setting my mind on things above ...

When it comes to being alone, I just might have stumbled onto my next steps in this journey. By setting my mind on things above instead of setting my mind on the things of earth allows me to think more of the Kingdom and the King instead of striving to have my own castle and king here on earth. {Col 3:2}

I am to be a minister of God in patience and the behavior to do so is by longsuffering and sincere love. There are no restrictions but my own affections. Where are my affections? Ah, here is where I've been suffering. My affections have been here on earth instead of having a sincere love for God. I so want to be content with my journey as God has so designed. {II Cor 6:3-12}

Finally, my noel, my precious gift, farewell. Become complete. Be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in joy ; and the God of love and peace will be with you. {II Cor 13:11} As I send you good wishes, it too belongs to me.

I will continue to whisper these God-Truths every time weary, fear, and frustrations darken my door. This is calling my King to stand in the door. How can anyone enter at strong man's house and carry off his possessions unless he first ties up the strong man? Then he can rob his house. He who is not with Me is against Me, and he who does not gather with Me scatters. {Matthew 12:29-30} The enemy cannot stand against the Rock of Ages. I arrest my case.

Old Man Winter vs. Pixie Spring Girl

I was hoping for a nice sunny day for Friday and I got it! The weatherman had been off all week so there was a chance. Thursday evening ended with big juicy raindrops mixed with fat snowflakes then just fat snowflakes amounting to an inch covering the ground. Believe it or not there was thunder in this too.

I love the month of March mostly because I was born towards the end of it, so I have many memories of budding spring even though my parents tell me about the snow when I was born. Yet my adult years March is more the dance between Old Man Winter and a Pixie Spring Girl. One leads and then the other leads until finally Old Man Winter is totally exhausted and bows out, leaving Pixie Spring Girl have her time in the spotlight. My love for March has changed a bit and that is ok. I love this Winter Spring dance. It allows me to wear my winter clothes before I have to put them away. My hands aren't so cold - just cool to the touch! I can also lighten up on the layers. Always nice to let the skin breathe again. OOOO, can't wait for thongs (feet kind). Opps, getting ahead of myself!

Back to the Winter Spring dance - This time of year is the time of my favorite Winter Spring flower and second to my all time favorite Johnny Jump Up - the crocus!!!! Miss Crocus loves the touches of snow and sun. Totally crazy and I am totally smashed over it all!

can you give to much of yourself to someone?

expectant vs. expectations

My dearest daughter,
Am I not your Designer and Creator? Am I not your Protector and Provider? Didn't you come up with the table epiphany to handle yourself with your relationships? Don't you have a relationship with Me? What is your purpose in having expectations?

Shouldn't you sit up to My table and feel confident that I will provide only the best and finest for you? All you would have to do is show up and be willing to partake. Come to My table expectant that I will provide and care for your needs. Stop with all these little pesky expectations! These harm your journey and harm the character building I am doing within you. There is a difference. Expectant connects you to delight and joy. Expectations pull you under.

I am the Lord and I will not allow your soul to famish. I have assigned you your portion and your cup. The cup in My Word always refers to sorrow but remember I always make good from bad. I never waste your pain or sadness. The boundary lines I have placed around you fall in pleasant places. You have a delightful inheritance {aka: joy}. Use the joy! {Proverbs 10:3 & Psalms 16:5&6}

Number your days in God-Victories, God-Leanings, and God-Presence. Psalms 90 is about the Israelites stumbling around the wilderness. All they could do was mutter. Moses was asking for help in numbering the days the correct way. Don't doubt. Don't be wave tossed about. Your strength is in Me only if you let it. {James 1:6}

So how is your appetite?
~ always your Heavenly Father

what is worse?

Hmmm, an interesting question and one that really pumps up the faith...

What is worse than hardships?
What is worse than persecution?
What is worse than death?

answer: being lost !!!!

What a privilege to stand on the Rock and say 'LOST NO MORE'.

Where do you stand? to behold the Man of Sorrows

numbering my days ...

So teach us to number our days,
That we may gain a heart of wisdom.
~psalms 90:12

Today I will be 14,244.75 days old. I've been feeling pangs of a mid-life crisis coming on or rather just feeling very lethargic about my life. So as I am trying to flame up my life, I noticed Psalms 90 a psalm by Moses. It isn't really a fun passage rather it talks about the bad days. I am still trying to wrap my mind around it all for myself.

Dear Heavenly Father,
As I tackle each day whether it is a good one or a not so good one, I am learning to lean on You every moment. I want a heart of wisdom. To be sage like I think is a wonderful fulfillment of what is possible in me. I am in a haze and I am trying so hard to bring my passions center stage. I am entering days ahead that seem soooooo lonely but I have You. I number Your Presence on my life pages. Thank You for creating me and at times that seems hard to utter. Then I realized that I have let the enemy in. I need to keep You in the doorway. You are my Hiding Place. I am Your creation. I pray to be a vessel, a light, and salt ...
Huge Huggers to You, my Designer and Creator.
~always much love,
your daughter

to behold the Man of Sorrows ...

That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. ~Romans 10:9

What a wonderful day the first Easter morning was but what will complete the picture is when all the believers are resurrected from death to live forever more in the Kingdom. When we shall behold the Man of Sorrows and His wounds He bore for us, no words will express all of the emotions felt in that moment...

What a celebration!

never alone ... Easter's gift

never alone ... Easter's gift

All the radio guys have been talking about Jesus and His last week. I ate it up and my eyes watered at it all. Here are some thoughts that tugged at me.

*Jesus became our sins.
Have you wondered at Nazis and the killing of the Jews? Have you wondered at the rapist? or the child abuser? or wife beater? or murderers? What about the ones who got off and never paid for their sins? Has someone hurt you with their words or their hands? Have you done so to someone else? Jesus took every ugly sin and bore it. He drank the cup given by God the Father with His eyes WIDE OPEN. He became our disgusting sins. To see Jesus in this way is very disturbing! But He had to this for us so that we can live our eternal lives in a pure and holy kingdom.

*God the Father deserted His one and only beloved Son Jesus.
Jesus experienced for the first time God's exclusion. Jesus felt utter loneliness like no other so that we don't have to ever be lonely again! Wow!!! Hmmm, maybe I need to just hush up about my alone journey!!

*The Resurrection is God's AMEN to Jesus' Crucifixion.

not abandoned ... Easter's gift

all in the title ...

I always strongly felt that God made marriage as a gift unfolding for us. As a single girl in want of this gift and having God say no baffles my tiny heart. I could go on and on about my conviction ... but I will just give you some book titles that caught my eye and supports my little conviction. Now I have not read any of these books but just might when I am feeling strong again.

• Sacred Marriage: What if God made marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy.
  
• Sacred Influence: How God uses wives to shape the souls of their husbands.
  
• Sacred Parenting: How raising children shape our souls.
  
• Sacred Pathways: Discover your souls path to God. 
all written by Gary Thomas.

Often I see a title and I don't need to read the book. I start to answer them on my own. So I kinda hate to read the book - afraid that I just might be disappointed.

So are these titles stirring up anything for you?

isolation & selfishness

I have been seeking to be at peace with my alone journey and especially the future. I know that I won't always have my parents and that is a nightmare I don't even want to think about but it creeps in. I think I am trying to finally close the huge cranky door on a very intense and powerful relationship that went belly up. I have made slow and a very torturous progress. I just can't seem to shake this one. What will it take to get over x?

I always find it quite interesting that when I seek, I find little bits. God has that effect on His children when they seek. He keeps lining up finds in twos and threes. I abhor desertion. To my surprise God's Word has something to say about this and I just happened to read it on Tuesday. This is dot one:

A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he rages against all wise judgement. Proverbs 18:1

Whoa! He is wrong to isolate himself and the conversation before was about me being my 'nude' self instead of 'fattening' myself up to avoid hurt. Interesting to was that he was floored that someone thought he was an angry bloke. Look there in that verse. Rages against all wise judgement sounds like anger to me. Yet as I see his wrong, I also see his pain and his dreams unrealized. I cannot fault him and that makes way for my claw like fingers on his memories. There is warning here for me. I cannot escape. I have watched others take leave of my life. I am down to the bare bones. I am fine at the moment and don't want to develop any 'ships'. However, I cannot avoid the verse. I cannot isolate myself. I must reach out. It is just so tiring to reach out only to get burned for touching a hot stove.

The other dot was came from reading another's blog. 'Sometimes we outgrow people'. It seems to be a universal human experience my mother did not warn me about. Probably because we don't think like that or perhaps because my mother could never hold down a friendship either so it never came up. Wait!! Kudos for my parents for keeping a marriage strong for over 30+ years!!! So our dna is all about sticking to it for life; it NOT about outgrowing others.

I have never thought that my broken 'ships' where because I out grew them! I did have one that I was feeling that we wereN'T going in the same direction. I did have thoughts of relief when she finally dumped me on my birthday. I did have a conversation with x about friendships and he mentioned the outgrowing - that friends have certain life spans. I didn't like the conversation then nor now. What is wrong with growing together? What is wrong with experiencing their lives even if it on the sidelines cheering them through their 'holy mud'? I am not sure I am ready to bury my toughing it out to go along this line of thought.

Watching a program displaying the silent mode of relationships is where I found the third dot. 'As children we are thought to express ourselves. (use your words!!) As adults we just check out.' Why is it that a guy go through a life and death experience only to claim up around his loved ones because they can't possibly know what he went through? How is she ever going to understand and hold him up in this battle? Remember Moses had two men helping hold his rod up for the Israelites to win in battle. Well, beats me. x checked out. Why only makes one stay in the past.

So I have these three dots. They seem connected. I feel that dot one was the most important and that dot two and three were merely underlines drawing the eye back to the power of isolation and what it will do to your very soul! You became a raging selfish black hole.

seasons of friendship

Apple Classifieds ...

::: W A N T E D :::
an apple guru who can mentor an advance novice! with her iMac and downloading issues. All I have owned is Apple and I need to maximize my knowledge. I have struggled and thought I was on my way last night only to have an error -4960. I have broken my Appleworks. ITunes won't work because I can't update to 10.4.11. I have searched the web and have come up short. I am off to reload OS X and cleaning off system 9. I am afraid, very afraid. I don't want to lose everything! I need help!

the enemy companion ...

I decided to take a time out before bed to read God's Love Letter. Feeling desperate and tears coming, I needed to climb into God's Strong Arms to feel safe and loved. In Psalms 55 there is a feeling recorded there. There was no telling me what to do or how to feel. It was perfect to know that God hears and understands what I feel.

King David is describing the enemy and how he is trouble, how he hides, how he depends on God. Then in the middle of it David is describing a different kind of enemy. This new one was once a verrrrrry close friend! He feels betrayed. He can't seem to grasp it. But an enemy is an enemy and King David puts his trust in the One and Only - God.

companion enemy:
12) If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were raising himself against me,
I could hide from him.

13) But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,

14) with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

20) My companion attacks his friends;
he violates his covenant.

21) His speech is smooth as butter,
yet war is in his heart;
his words are more soothing than oil,
yet they are drawn swords.

the Ultimate Companion
17) Evening, morning and noon
I cry out in distress,
and He hears my voice.

18) He ransoms me unharmed
from the battle waged against me,
even though many oppose me.

22) Cast your cares on the LORD
and He will sustain you;
He will never let the righteous fall.

My enemy companion is a believer. He has deserted me. His voice captured in emails and memories is smooth. I believed we had sweet fellowship together and with our God. Yet the battle rages within me. God knows how I feel and He pulls me close. He knows that I feel like my feelings have been jerked around. Why come in and leave? Trust and faith have been questioned. But God will ransom me unharmed!!! He does not waste my tears, my frustrations, my pain, nor my sadness. He works all things for good even the ugly, He creates good. I still care about x. I don't think ill of him when I am strong (quirkysmirk!). What of that?

God is good to me. My feelings, my sweat, and tears - He heard them all and recorded them. He gently wipes my tears and hugs me close. AMEN!

a March beauty ...

Winter is going and Spring is coming. It is the middle march of seasons. There are still crusty snow piles in parking lots all over town. The one behind my jeep is still there so I am backing out of my parking space on edge so that I don't back into other cars. The sun has been out the last three days. The snow not lucky enough to be in a pile is gone and instead is the yellow brown grass. It doesn't seem usual if my memory serves me correctly. In the past it seems that there is a bit of green mixed in and not such a harsh dead color. Wednesday after fueling up (too numb to shed tears - might as well just stuff 50 dollar bills into the tank!), I had my jeep washed. Woo hoo, amazing to see the brillant Patriot blue shine through again! But to top that, when I parked for the day at my place last night, my eyes stopped in their tracks. I was captured by the pale purple white crocuses blooming along side the apartment house!!!! I looked to see if the black truck was parked. Shucks! The man neighbor is home. I can't take a pix of the endearing flower; they sit in front of his closed blinds.

Ahhhhhhh, crocuses - a March beauty!

to rid a clinger ...

Guess I will try to recreate a lost blog entry...

If you are a male in need of getting rid of some girl that has taken a shine to you and you have been NICE to her and seemed to have shared great a great friendship, DO NOT JUST VANISH! Be mean and make her hate you. It is the kindest thing you could ever do for her. By making her hate you, you have allowed her to get rid of you quicker and on to her life. But noooooo you think you are being nice by just pooof goooone. What you are really doing is allowing you to stay in her life. All those good memories put up a real hard fight against your disappearance. The girl makes all kinds of excuses for you. It does not matter even if she has finally stopped obsessing over you, there are those moments that she still gives you credit over herself. You probably think that is just fine that you still look good in character when you should be classified as a monster and a bounty on your head for being a deserter.

If you are a girl in need of ridding yourself from a guy who has deserted you for no obvious reason, GET MAD. Stop being nice to him and be kind to yourself. He has told you that you are not good enough for him by not being man enough to face you. Translate that to the real equation: He is not good enough for you! He is not what you want. You want someone to say hello and STAY!!!!!!!!! He is a toxic clinger not you! So you are all alone. Horizons look bleak. Purge the old. Now is the time to be who you want to be. Make a list and start seeking this out before God.

prayer gift ...

All I had to offer was prayer. It was your birthday but I have no access to your life. From what I can tell is that you have shut down all means of approach. Latest word is to stop blocking the blessing. I have gone quiet ... outwardly. Privately the battle still seems to rage on. Will I ever give up and get on?

If prayer is as powerful as what God's Word says it is then why am I waffling? Prayer moves mountains. Prayer comforts a sad soul. Prayer brings joy. Prayer is a moving strength of confidence. Am I doubting that my prayer can move accross lands and seas to reach someone I once knew? Am I doubting that x would feel prayer wrapping around him? Am I doubting that x would go about his day unfazed by a feeling that someone is praying for him? Am I doubting that I can pray without selfish motive? Am I doubting that prayer can change me?

I do struggle with prayer. I pray to God every day. To others I am talking to myself. I have no other who listens and no other who can see what I cannot see. I find prayer a great help with my work. But often in my dreams and passions, I struggle with prayer. Why do I cry when I am praying? Why do I find grief? Is it because I am seeking my own will even though I try sooooo hard to seek God's? It is alright to have tears over people but for myself?

Will I get to know if x had a day that he could not explain other than someone prayed for him?

as for me ...

Making God the apple of my eye via Psalms 17:8 made me go read the whole chapter. What really struck me was Psalms 17:14-15. It is a difficult read when you are reading through the NKJV so I went over to the NIV. At the beginning of verse 14 seems to be a hiccup that even trying to compare the versions didn't seem to iron out. However, I could not shake the feeling I had.

The underlying feeling is that you are looking at God's children whose bellys are full with His hidden treasure and to the point that this treasure overflows unto the children's children. But in the NIV verse 15 you see one who is on the outside looking in at those who are blessed with family. This one feels single and without the abudance of family and fullness.

O LORD, ... You still the hunger of those you cherish;
And whose belly You fill with Your hidden treasure.
They are satisfied with children,
And leave the rest of their possession for their babes.
As for me, I will see Your face in righteousness;
I shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness.
~Psalms 17:14-15 mostly NKJV with a tiny bit of NIV

I fell in love with verse 15 because that is where I am in my life. Stuck here forever it seems. I don't want to be happy with this because I want more. I want a teamship. I am afraid that if I settle in, I will be this way forever and there will be no companionship. The better part of me says to be content and take on verse 15 as my theme. It does not matter. Keep the faith! No doubts...

*swallows - lump still stuck in throat / heart & soul bent on singing verse 15* One way or the other the lump stays or will be pushed out...

tech bytes ...

Breathe......

I am just out of sorts and frustrated with dial up and trying to get the updated downloaded for my operating system. (Tiger, hear me roar!) It takes hours and just when it is almost finished, the connection drops and I am left with no download. I tried a different way thinking that I could download it bits at a time but noooooo, it will not be working out this way.

I have no iTunes and I managed to break my Appleworks to add to my mess. I am so tired of trying to keep connected so I can write and do some creative things online. I want so badly to make this work so I spend less time on the problems and get to being creative......

While I am having a splish splash in my pity pool, ticks me off to have made a blog entry last saturday as I pushed the publish button - poof Safari shut down. When I got back onto my little place, the entry did not save nor where there any drafts saved in my posts. What good is autosave if it doesn't work?

One last thing - I have made a notch on my virtual front steps in hopes to find a good, knowledgable, and very patient apple friend. No bytes there... bummer. Maybe I will have to break down and beg for some poor chap or chapette to help. Opps tooooooo neeeeedy. Crossing that off the list. I will mutter through and survive...

my heart is steadfast ...

To best way to describe the Psalms would be they are quite simply each a painting depicting a time in your life. I have gone on about Psalms 18. Now I am going to show you the art of Psalms 57.

It is your darkest night. Monsters and beasts are everywhere. In the midst of it you are sheltered by the Almighty Refuge. All you have to do is call and He is there. What I love about it is that in the that dark the author is humming a tune and it gets louder until he awakes the dawn with his passion and love of his Shelter! It is like an explosion of light!

When I was reading it I couldn't help but love verse 7 & 8:

My heart is steadfast, O God,
my heart is steadfast;
I will sing and make music.

Awake, my soul!
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.

Being in a place where I need to harness my thoughts and not trudge through memories, I need this song to sing. And to think about awakening the dawn? I am so not a morning person. Of late the dull headaches, an erge to upchuck, and cotton lodged in my throat, mornings just don't suit me. I am fighting the sickness around me so mornings are even more of the need to shut the world out by pulling covers over my head and snuggling in for more zzz's. Tired is a 'night'. Memories are a 'night'. My heart needs to remain strong. My heart needs God, my Refuge. So I will sing and I will grow louder to shut down the night.

my heart is steadfast!!!!

quickly, sweetly, completely ...

I was listening to a speaker talk about what he learned from McDonald's playland in disciplining children. He had a phrase that spoke to the adult in me! Do you obey quickly, sweetly, and completely? Oh, that is one thing we never outgrow! All through our lives, we have choices. Do we do it God's way or our way? But, it does not stop there... it is how we obey - how we do it God's way!

I feel a moving in my heart to make God smile. This is a best way to do so...

So what do I do when He asks me to wait? arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! I am sooooo lame. I trudge through muddled thoughts, cry myself to sleep only to wake with a cry-hangover, and devise self-plans that go awry. Why can't I just stop striving and let Him? A better question is what would happen if I stopped striving, stopped trudging through the past, stopped crying myself to sleep, and stop with the question and answers over what I cannot get back or change? What would happen if I started enjoying my alone journey and put my hand in His?

Not only would He be smiling, but so would I!

obedience

the table test ...

I have to admit that I am quite a misfit and carry a tad bit of anger about boys and the games they play on us girls. I would really like to get over this because I think it is the next thing I am to learn about the relationships between the sexes. I don't think I will get much of an audience or much of a conversation calling it boy games. Plus, it isn't the kind of language to use if I really want to get this.

I moved my mind back to what I believe relationships are and then maybe I can make a better map as I move out. I believe relationships are best pictured as tables. A relationship is whatever you bring to the table. Yes, you maybe hiding things under the table or you just might be hiding out on fancy chocolate in your cupboard and there is no way you will be sharing at the table, but you can only work with what is brought to the table. So they bring junk food or toxic food, it does not mean you sit down to eat it. You choose to get up and not partake.

I will not use aloof or running away when it comes to guys and their advances. I will say that you must test them on everything they say. Make them toe the line and do not let them get away with anything. If they say they are going to do something like call or txt or email etc, let them do it. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE pursue it. If they fail, they fail and you move on. If they engage, you can and should engage back especially if you like them. Always go about it as a test. You deserve to be treated as a beauty that God has made because you are. That means they should respect you and not play with your heart.

Being a beauty, you should be treated with pure thought and pure motive. That means you should never allow him to talk to you in a sexual matter. Be strict. Any little crass talk or even wanting a photo can lead you right through the mud. This is trash and you do not eat trash. Be as pure as you can be.

In my past I was criticized for being too aloof. I did not know how to change. I think it most helpful and would have kept me more safe and strong in my faith if someone could have discribed how to handle boys with a table picture. You cannot hold guys at arms length. You do have to some interaction and yes, there will be missteps and heartbreak. It might even take years and a ton to tests to find the him, but hey, I deserve the best after all this is a life time commitment for me. One. Not two or three. Not settling here.

A parting picture: He is the cook and the picnic packer. You are the invited. See what he has brought. This dinner you can be as picky as you like. Be very observant. He is telling you about himself with what he is offering to you or hiding from you. Is he looking out for your happiness, your health, and your passions/dreams? This is a table test. Test everything and hold to what is good... I Thessalonians 5:21

joy vs sad

Of late I have had a mental discussion with myself over which has top importance in a believer's life, love or joy. I know love is the first commandment but I think it fails when I put it into my life. To me Joy is key to my love. How can I love with out the energy of Joy that seems to give me to keep going?

Today listening to Ravi he made a statement that encouraged my thoughts. He said that Joy is fundamental in a believer's life as sadness is fundatental to an unbeliever's life. How true!!!!

In my teens and twenties I was a mess. I had sadness even though I was saved around the age of 5. I was not in love with God and I was struggling to have Joy. Until God reached down into my life and set me back, I would have never known how Joy can change my life. It is the one thing that really drawns out my concern in saved loved ones who struggle with their sadness.

See, when the world looks at a believer they should know them as being and having an unexplainable happiness. Being a believer and knowing you should be a happy lot and you just don't feel it makes it real difficult to grow.

Joy is a lesson between you and God and it is about enjoying as well. You will have to figure it out but when you do, your life will no longer be the same.

The first step is stop striving and letting God free in your life. Second step is letting go and enjoying God and His Handiwork whether it is His creations or His work in your life.... Next steps are His to write out in your story...

bury the seed, bloom the flower ...

Bury the seed ...
When you leave me and I haven't a clue why, I will bury the seed and will still be a friend to you when you have chosen not to be one back.

When I have nothing else to go on and my heart breaks with lonliness, I will bury the seed and pray for you.

When I would rather think the worse of you because it makes goodbye easier, I will bury the seed and remember your dreams and your hurts and hold them close to my heart.

When I feel like crying or falling apart, I will bury the seed and smile.

When I have empty days, nights, and weekends, I will bury the seed and fill up those moments by being creative.

When the weight seems to much to bear, I will bury the seed and sing or hum a hymn.

When I need the white knight to come on his white horse, I will bury the seed and read Psalms 18.

When I bury each seed here and there as I journey this life, it hurts. It is such a struggle because each time I do so, it is like I am dying bit by bit. So I keep burying the seed and dive into a God-Promise holding on for dear life. I have got to believe that with each seed being dropped into the earth and covered by dirt, it will begin to rumble with life. I want to come back out and see flowers blooming and popping up everywhere. I am an impatient child and the wait is harder than burying the seed! Bury the seed.... Wait .... Wait .... Wait .... look .. maybe.... hey!!!! Blooooooooom the flowers....

vain attention = boy games

She couldn't wait to tell me about her weekend. She is engaged and living with a guy but was getting hit on by another guy all weekend. She enjoyed the attention yet knows this guy is crossing the line with excessive phone and text messages. She is feeling the relationship that she is in is a bit dull and she feels a tad ugly and the tummy pudge is because she is cushioning herself from the comments that bf is telling her. All the while she is telling me her escapade, I am having a dual conversation with myself over where to draw the line and what would I say to a guy with a flattery tongue when I should be figuring out what to ask her to see if she is thinking clearly...

I believe you must ask yourself what do you want. Do you want attention or do you what a quality man and a quality relationship? I know I have been there where you are craving attention and you choose that over the quality. Until you get sick and tired of wondering if a man is into you and start making that list of the wants, you are going to continue to pick attention over a long lasting and enjoyable relationship. I'm sorry but if you are wondering if he is into you, you are allowing him to play with your emotions like a cat cornering a mouse. Stop it! Be strong. Always go through the list.

A woman wants to be his beauty. This means she wants him to keep her pure and the relationship pure. He does not allow others to use her nor does he use her. He is always filling her with clean and pure love. He does not hurt her with comments that undermine her beauty. He knows just what to say to bring out her best. When he treats her as his beauty, there is no way she is going to look elsewhere for attention.

Why does it feeeeeels sooooo gooooood for a guy to pay attention to you? Why does the heart pound a little quicker? Why does the smile flash more? Why do the butterflies come? Why do we dress a bit more snappier and wear more make-up? I know I feel more alive and hey, even beautiful. But it is fleeting. Has it ever lasted? Something in our heads shuts off and we forget to remember what we really want. Totally boy games. Must stop losing my wits.

I have been picturing myself ... future self ... if some boy decides to pay attention to me that I will be a stronger more a whatever girl - a girl that does not get swayed by a look or by flattery - a girl who is calm and friendly yet makes the guy work for me. How else will you know he is made of endurance or is of quality? No digits given out. No allowances what-so-ever. And if I see any character flaw, test him more. He must show to be true down to his core. (Oh, how I wish I was as strong as I was at 8!)

..if anyone cleanses himself from the latter, he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work. II Tim 2:21

I like that - being a vessel. I am not trying to mean to boys. I am just sooooo tired of it all. There is something about being a clean sleek vessel that is useful that is so appealing to me...

A prudent girl foresees evil in vain attention and hides herself; the simple girl passes on and is punished.
`keeper's version of proverbs 27:12.

The girl at work keeps asking if she is wrong. She knows the answer. We shall see if she can get this out of her system.

enjoying others ...

I had planned a day with Mom where I had a few stores I wanted to hit and pack in a movie. On past two outings there where things I wanted to achieve and failed which I allowed to ruin the day. Not on this day! Sure I had planned things I was looking for and I told God about them but that my main goal was to enjoy my Mom. I told her my plans even about enjoying her. I did it! Mom said she enjoyed the day!!! wooo hooo.

I was able to finish out my work pant swap out. Now I have a week's worth of decent pants. I hope to have confidence Monday when I where the blue. I know I am a crazy one. I did not find the loom or knit wit or the knitting board book but I did find the stitch counter and stitch keeper which helped me make and understand the heart pattern I made! My heart is finally looking like a heart!

A very good day indeed. Enjoying my Mom primo and the other little things where sprinkles!

40 vs 40 ...

Two competing thoughts have bumped into each other in my thinking world. First thought came from a study that people in their 40's in every part of the world are more depressed than at any other age. Uh oh! Does that mean that in a couple of years I will be in a more depressed state than when I was in my teens and twenties? The second thought came from a book by a Korean believer. He was describing a culture where the young ones could not wait until they where 45 because that meant everyone would then treat you with respect and honor. Wow! But then again 45 just might be the turning upward point for the 40's.

As the new year began and I saw my life ahead and not wanting to do or be someone that didn't make it to their dreams, I decided that I should start 'planning my mid-life crisis' as a way to be funny and maybe curb my upcoming downward spiral. I guess if I really put in the time to try to reach my goals than maybe I won't have time to get defeated...

hurt me ...

How do words sting! I am an adult with 3o some years to take the edge off the pain of a raised voice and angered filled words and I still am crushed every time. I was in a numbing pain quiet pain so I was keeping to myself and trying to do my best when sleeping in and reading a book with a warming liquid soothing out my frays. To my wildest shock a man ripped into me. It doesn't matter who was wrong, what matters to me most is playing as a team.

I am sick of others feeling it is alright to attack me and I am suppose to do the right thing and take it. Pretty much I am shocked stiff with eyes in a rage and my voice gone. I cry and talk myself right then my mind goes right back and my heart bleeds. Where can I go? I have no team player. I have no arms to hold me and have no words that soothe my being. Am I that loathsome? Or is the world that petty?

Don't get me wrong. I do have Arms and I do have Heavenly Words. I do have one Awesome Teammate but aren't believers called to love? Where are they?

Dear Heavenly Father,
Junk was brought to the table and again I find myself floundering with the right way to defuse the problem. All I could do was walk away. I probably will have to deal with some of it again tomorrow. I need YOU. How do I fly above it? How do I live exceedingly abundantly beyond? It is not eternal but it sure stings now...

I am glad to come home and sigh. I am glad that food awaits my hungry tummy. I finished an easter egg on my loom and even though I feel numb about it, I hope when I show my mom her excitement will encourage me. Right now I just want to hide me and all my creative things.

It is bedtime and as I close my eyes and myself from all the hurts, I ask for Your Words to cuddle me into Your Presence. You are the Great Shephard and You pull me close. I have only You to answer to and look to. You never fail. Your eyes are always friendly, Your voice always deep and calming...

I love You because You first loved me and pursued me. You called beautiful and beloved. Ahhhhhh, ' whom shall I fear?' Thank You. I knew You only could provide me with comfort. May I curl up in Your Arms and go to sleep ....
~always your fearful little girl

My Girl,
I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you to fear man? (Isaiah 51:12) You are a child of the King. You are the girl - your Bridegroom cometh. Keep being beautiful. Keep your smile about you.
~always the King, always the Bridegroom

hurt me no more!

Love never fails ...

These three words to a longer passage of love appeared by themselves above a devotional. I could not really read the devotional because the words were speaking very loudly. Love never fails. Wow! On this broken down earth, love is very hard to come by. Even though I know love is work and I am not afraid to give it my all, I have not found another that thinks like this pursuing me. Fortunately these where not my first thoughts. Rather these words gave me comfort because what God has done for me.

God so loved me! that He gave His Son Jesus to die/pay for all my sins. Jesus gave His life so that I could have a joyful everlasting life. I could finally rest in His Resting place. It is uncommon for another to give his life for even a friend, but MY God did. So when I get stuck in the heartbreaks of love and live, my focus needs to be put back on the love that never fails*...

Read Psalms 18!!!! This is the best love story and it is a real happy ending. Be the character in this story and kneel in awe of the Awesome God coming to your rescue.

*1 Cor 13 (8)

giving love a good name ...

Here are some statements ....

'You can choose your sin. You canNOT choose your consequence.'

'Do not marry someone you think you can live with. Marry someone you canNOT live without.'

'It is not what you can get away with but rather how pure you can be.'

A lot to think about when you start out on your love life. It only gets harder as you pack on the years. I keep looking at what life has brought to me and I get this mother instinct going to where I want to warn or impact a young person into deep thinking... I feel very strongly that you should have practice discussions on life issues with your family. And if you have no one to practice with surely blog! - just write out scenarios and have an answer.

Here is one. The web is a new frontier. It is a great place to learn new things and learn about cultures and maybe meet some decent and great human beings. Unfortuantely, there are a lot of peeps out there looking for trouble and looking to prey. It is always prudent to strengthen your resolve.

So to beef up I have put down some words to bolster my faith. However, from experience I doubt saying this to a hunter will make them go away. By experience if you say your a christian, they retort back they are christian too and see nothing wrong with 'such in such' (fill in the blank). But from what you think about comes feelings, from feelings comes behavior, from behavior comes habits. So by practicing you are getting your own thoughts in order. From there you can decide if you need to flee to God or be bold for Him.

Here is my snap back to hunters whating what they cannot have from me...

No. No discussion to what I hold in high esteem and desire to keep pure. I serve God not flesh. I am free to love Him fiercely and acutely. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am free to keep my image sacred and protect it at all costs.

If I was doing this with others, I would have them give their response and even have them challenge me. Having one response isn't wise. You must have several responses. Arrows will come at you from all sides. Again the best way to deal with hunters is to flee. But having practice drills with others will only help you should you find yourself not as strong as you thought you were...

a lot of fine dusting ...

I forgot to count how many snow storms we have had in the past two months - definitely over a hand full! Each snow fall is different. Sometimes it is big and fluffy. Sometimes it is small and light or it could be heavy. Sometimes it is just flakes and no ground cover which usually happens in December teasing us but not letting us have a white Christmas.

On Sunday this snow was super fine and there was a good amount of it. It was like a mini blizzard without the show stopping and keeping in that a real big blizzard will do to you. Plus, it was suppppppper cold - in the negative F*. Snow still amazes me with its variety.

I have a jeep and I love how it handles. I do not have anti lock brakes (scary) and I can pop it into 4-wheel. Deciding when to use it and when not to is a bit frustrating. However when there is a good amount of snow, I love putting it into gear and hearing or rather feeling the low crunch the tires make as they eat up the snow. Even though it has taken me a good while to have confidence, I love how my liberty baby tackles the snow.

Like I said before, I do love winter and I love my jeep but I am getting tired of winter roads. Probably because I fail to give myself enough to time to make it to work and I have been going through town because of bad roads (too much traffic, school buses, and school crossings). I do not like slippery or black ice. Had a wreak on black ice. Do not want to do have a death ride again. We also had two warm ups with a ton of rain and snow melt off causing 2 major floods here in town. It limits available roads. Then more snow and you begin to wonder if the water receded or if the ice is hiding underneath. I think they receded. Know so on my favorite back road.

Crazy though under all this snow that within a month, spring will show up. Then again we've had snow in April!

enjoying God ...

Ok, here is a corker! Do you ENJOY God? If so, what do you ENJOY about Him?

Not to long ago I would have to be honest that I did not enjoy God but today I can truly say that I do enjoy Him. I talk to Him like having a conversation with another human. If I am having trouble understanding something about my job, I ask Him to show me what I am missing. He does! It amazes me. I say thank you straight away too. I wish I was more so with my painting and looming. In those places I tend to zone out a bit on my life or thoughts but then again I am often talking to God about other things. I really have no one who listens to me and it is great to chatter away. I chatter so much that I worry that I am not spending enough hush time with Him.

Another thing I enjoy about God is His amazing Beauty. I can walk out of my building or on my drive to work and see something special in God-Artwork. I especially enjoy the sunsets and the winter sunrises. Going to work on a chilllllllly morning only to have a huge orange fireball kiss me on the cheek is such a great way to start my cold days. Who doesn't like looking up into the night sky and watch the stars sparkle!

I do. I do enjoy God...

What is up will come down?

I can't get on blogger? What is going on? Is anyone else having issues?

I have been preoccupied with getting more instruction on my looms and haven't been mentally ready to write. Bummer, too. I need to write to be sane. A lonely existence needs outlets as well as a creative.

I have been running into glictches. My iTunes needs my iMac updated and when I go to upgrade it takes alllllll day and even into the night then it gets a networking error - timed out (-1001) Before that I had to delete old systems to make room. Guess what? My currant Appleworks is messed up because of me! And the fourth break down is blogger not allowing me on and it smells of Safari not working with Blogger.

On the looming side of things, I have made progress on finding a great instructor. She creates small projects that really make for great impact! She labors over the instructions more than the actual creation. What dedication! I am too new at looming and have no back ground in knitting or crocheting. I doubt I will ever to create anything that far out. I can make some creations and maybe when I am over my frantic need to grasp everything, I will be able to really have some creative vision instead of relying on patterns.

At work the auditors have come. Grrr. I know that they are there to make sure we measure up yet it feels like 'big brother' breathing his grimy breath down my exposed neck.

All the while God still whispers that He is still there and reminds me what is important for the Eternal. Swindoll has been taking about 'living life exceedingly, abundantly, beyond'. It came at the right moment. It that amazing of God? It is flying over and seeing all the crazy chaos below and not being touched by them nor hindered. This learning sticks to my bones. I care very much about how I do things and the tools that I use but I don't get bogged down. Not necessary. Not eternal either.

Another thought came this week and I think it was Swindoll again. ''The struggle in coming around is as important as doing what God asks'. I so often get frustrated with others when they are struggling and just don't do it as well as getting frustrated with my ownself. I do come around to excepting it. Hmmm, a struggle isn't it. The struggle is 'holy mud'. It fashions us into being a better reflection of God.

What won't kill us makes us stronger. eh?

c word ...

A woman in my extended family found out she has cancer before Christmas. What do you say or do when you are shy and she isn't in your immediate family circle?

I always think about 'what would I do' in this situation or that situation. What would I do if I had cancer or lost a body function like my legs? Would I be able to shine with God's Light? Would it be a trial or tribulation or are these the same things? Would it be something God wanted to work in me or would it come because I did not take care of myself?

I think any one would want to travel through a hardship well and with joy abounding from with in. I also think anyone would rather take God working in us than being dealt a woe from doing something wrong. I do get beside the point.

This woman dove right in getting treatments and started blogging. She is even preparing for when she loses her hair. She walks with God and I think she will come through this saying that she was glad God touched with her this. She seems right on so what do you say?

I found a verse today and God's Word is always better than my own words.

.... Christ Jesus our Lord. In Whom we have boldness and access with confidence through faith in Him. Therefore I ask that you do not lose heart at any tribulations for you, which is your glory. For this reason I bow my knee to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. ~ Eph 3:11-14

I am picturing it... bowed knee to God's heavy hand with Joy. What seems to others as a dark black cloud weighting you down is really a bright cloud of glory resting over you. Your faith is bold and confident. Your face is radiant as you look into His Eyes with trust.... absolutely noting to lose. Why die every day? Got eternal life? Then you have every day to live exceedingly abundantly beyond....

muddled daydreams ...

Oh boy, I am obsessed with looming and finding patterns that work! On top of that I am trying to get my imac updated and getting a bunch of errors. I also am trying to put time into getting rid of stuff besides squirreling away time to come write! Don't forget to add in the photobooks that make great gifts as well as eat away time. I soooo desperately want to be creative but I must pigeon hole allotments of time for each creative bit I want to do as well as working an eight to five accounting job to feed my hungry tummy, clothe my bod, and provide sleep and shelter for my weary soul. What is a girl to do?

Besides that I am in such a mommy mode. Noooooo, I don't want kids but rather I am feeling such an urgency to impart hard fought wisdom to kids. What a mess this world is in and I hurt when I see such trouble. It isn't just the teenagers that seem in trouble but the twenty-somethings are really getting messed up. It is really scaring the daylights out of me. I pace and mutter. Yes, I know that might look a bit funny to an on-looker. I am not a mom but an aunt and I do wonder what influnence I can bring to my own nieces and nephew.... I have to answer my many questions with what I have learned in Quiet Leadership. Ask the questions...

Having my mind daydreaming on words, looms, and saving the world, I have to finish this crazy rant with a success, I completed a red and pink valentine hat for my niece. It has an interesting crazy knot on top but wanted to add some corkscrew fringe. Failing at this. I think the instructions are lousy! On an up note, I sewed an inside to my loom purse and stitched it in. Finally completed! Quite happy. Have some cool patterns! Some I am sure I can figure out and unfortunately some that I might not be able too...

loyality to me ...

A phone conversation. One sided. You are an intelligent and intuitive reader, you can come up with the other side of the conversation. However, this side of the conversation is the most important...

~ ` ~ ` ~
[x:]

[girl:] Hello! It has been a long long time! What have you been up to?

[x:]

[girl:] I am glad you are back but I have always been here. I have always prided myself in being loyal but I have failed in being loyal to myself. To be clear, I am glad you are back but I will be loyal to myself first. I have a set of rules for my watch. I am not saying you must jump hoops. They are just benchmarkers for me to know if I am getting the real deal or just taking in scraps. I am enough. I am valuable. I have finally figured out what real loyality and real friendships and real relationships are... I cannot go back if I have learned what I was to learn...

sharp & straight ...

My dear children,
Do not be nice people. I know I used to say nice matters and in a way it does but only in kindness and respect. You are living in a world full of ulgy and meaness. You will get your heart broken and you just might find your heart getting hardened. I don't want that for you. Your Heavenly Father doesn't want that for you.

I want you to be joyful in the Lord as it is your strength, staight and sharp like an arrow, and majestic in your pace like a lion unhindered by the enemy. That is why I bring us together as a family in our quiet time and why I challenge us all to dig deep in God's Word on all the issues that come up in world. I love our family discussions. I challenge you to hide His Word but also to it to us. I love your different views and get excited over your discoveries! I see how His Word lights up your eyes. When you leave the nest, I want you to be able to continue this in your own life and start it up in the families you will create.

Nehamiah 8:10 ~ The Joy of the Lord is my strength. A simple verse that you have hidden in your heart and a challenge we have done daily make Joy a priority in all that we do.

Proverbs 127 ~ You are the arrows staight and sharp in my quiver. As I release you out into your world with all your dreams, passions, and purpose, my fullest desire is to never stray. Stay in love with God. He is the best Keeper ever and He makes not only your way straight, He makes you straight and very sharp. You won't get lost or fall short. Act on His Love Letter.

Proverbs 28:1 ~ The righteous are as bold as lions and what about a lion that makes them bold? The pace of the lion is described as stately in their stride and retreats at nothing. Wow!!! There is a time to retreat and hide when your safety is in question whether it is physical or spiritual. But there is a time to be bold and it is your faith. Be proud of God and let God be proud of you and delight over you. You do that by walking in right ways. Don't question His Promises. Believe them. Be the lion!

The bigest most precious of all truths is to be soft. Guard against the hardening of your heart. You know my home is always open to you just as God's Arms will always welcome you. No matter the missteps or heartache that you fall into, we will always take you back. Never ever feel that you have done something so wrong that we could never love you. If you don't know how to 'fix' things back up, remember you can't only God can.

Happy is the man who is always reverent, but he who HARDENS his heart will fall into calamity. ~ Proverbs 28:14
He who is often rebuked , and HARDENS his neck, will suddenly be destroyed, and that without remedy. ~ Proverbs 29:1

Keep straight. Keep sharp. Keep Joy of the Lord. Keep bold. Keep soft.

I love you and I believe in all your dreams, passions, and purpose. Go!!!!

huge huge huggers my luvs,
always your biggest mommers

not a good girlfriend ...

A woman's retreat is coming up in March at church. This kind of thing does not interest Mom or me. We just know that if we would go we would feel like an outcast etc. Welllllll, a lady I admire for some time from a distance asked if I would consider going to the retreat. I smiled and said no, its to loud for me. She again pleaded asking if I would think about it. I said no and that I admired her as I reached out to touch her arm. Tears filled my eyes as I turned to go. This was hard to say no but I am that sure. However, by saying a final no does not mean this girl won't think about it. I was moved.

A comment she made has stuck with me. She said that she was not a good girlfriend and all her life she was around guys. I was like wow! I am not a good girlfriend either! However, I wondered what her birth order was. I am a first born girl of two brothers. My brothers' worlds had no influence over me so besides me not fitting into a girls world, I don't fit into a guys world. I have and will always struggle with understanding the friendship thing. I am the classic loner. I am single. She is married with boys in their late teen years. We are probably around the same age. I think she have been a tom boy. I am very creative. There are a lot of unknowns and with my track record, I am not sure I want to risk taking on a friendship only to have her walk away.

I would like to send her a card but I am concerned about messing up admiration that is already established. Why risk admiration that is a sure thing on an uncertain gamble of friendship?

In this lull where most of my frienships are dead or quiet, I have studied my history. I do not pursue friendships rather I let them come to me. I thought I did my very best and wondered why they left. Then I had a 'table-epiphany'. I wanted deep. I craved deep and all I got was what they brought to the table. I finally realized that I could only have what they brought and nothing more. Then I was reading in Proverbs that I could be choosy when it came to friends! Here I was taking what was coming my way and jumping in with all of me! Ok, I know - loser! I am understanding that if someone comes in friendship, I have a choice to decide if and how much of a friendship I wanted. I understand that I too bring something to the table.

I am unsettled when it comes to new friendships. I am learning but I am not sure of these new legs. Maybe I am learning something about 'not being a good girlfriend'. Just maybe there is a whole group of women out there who belong to this 'not a good girlfriend' club. Hmmm, so I can stop wondering what it is like to have a ton of girlfriends doing the game nights and girls night outs. Whew!!! I know I don't handle groups. I'm just a one on one type.

I knew here would be a good place to pull out all my thoughts and maybe I will figure out my next step or maybe I will be still...

to hide a doper ...

Mr. Policeman,
Is it wrong to look out the window at you to see what you are up too? First off you ruined the peace and quiet of a Saturday night by loud knocking and threats shouted to a downstairs apartment dweller. There were three of you but I only heard your loud threats. After the two other cops left, you sat there in your car. Aren't suppose to work in twos on weekends? Then when you saw me looking out and dragged yourself up to my apartment with your threats and demanding to come into my apartment to see if I was hiding the her.

You were loud and that just made me boil. I knew I did not have to let you in but you were tall and big and loud. All that came into mind was that I would let you in if you would take off your boots. You said you could not do that. Then you said 'just let me look around the corner'. I let you but you kept accusing me of hiding her.

''I keep to myself. I don't know if she is here. I did see her leave at noon to go to work but I did not see her come back. I don't care if I see her car out there or not. I did not physically see her come back.'' (So she stole drugs from patients at the nursing home and she smokes dope? I am allergic to tobacco so why would I allow her to hide out in my place?')

I wish I could talk in the heat of the moment but I can't and probably best that I can't. I am livid you threw your weight around here making me the victim. If you had a warrant than you could have gotten a key to get into her place instead of throwing your weight around and getting your sorry self into every other apartment instead of hers.

Thanks for letting all the smoke from the 5 smokers that live in this building get into my apartment and make my eyes burn. I have a hard enough time of it when the door is shut. Thanks for making me so livid. What a way to end a very weird emotional week. I think you need to learn to be quiet and observe people. You are lousy at reading people. Sorry that you have to work around criminals, it is sure rubbing off on you.

I much rather live peaceably and quietly. I do not like policemen up close and in my face. You are needed but for me at a distance. I do not like this feeling but because the days are evil I know you are 'just doing your job'. I still will pray for your safety and I will still cry when one of you fall. But please don't through your weight at me unwarrented...

always the concern citizen and I guess noisy neighbor

to stifle a craft ...

Help! I just do not understand. The round and rake looms are said to have been around a long time. I had never heard of them until they became a big thing in '05. So what has happened to the history? It cannot just be about the chucky e-wrap. Let me tell you that ain't pretty. My biggest grief is that there are very little in the way of patterns out there compared to the formal knitting. On top of that when I find out there are new instruction books out there the craft stores will not carry them nor do they give the time of day in trying to locate these books. Sure, I could get them online but I will not trust that until I know the patterns are good ones. There was a book that I did find that after looking at the ridiculous patterns, I ditched the thought of getting them.

I have three books that I want I think will inhance my loom knitting journey but to locate them is becoming a nightmare. I have a lead that I might be able to snag one of the books at a local department store. I hope so as it was on there website and it could only be available online....

The three books in question are:
Learn New Stitches on Circle looms by Anne B
Learn to Knit Cables on Looms by Isela Phelps
Loom Knitting Primer by Isela Phelps

If you can actually pick up the book and take a peek inside, then I want to know about the place.

Why is it that this craft is soooo secretive? Let this craft come out in the light of day! Let us be able to self learn and give away beautiful homemade gifts from the labor of our hearts!!!! It has been great with the limited ideas and patterns to see my brother light up over fun baby hats for his little girl. Great inspiration for me!!!

to disturb a mind ...

I love the movies because I get to get inside a story visually. I love the nuances you can pick up on by the demeanor of the character as well as from his clothes or walk. I love certain actors who can get a character so well that you see the character and not the actor. I get chills when I hear how my favorite actors get into their characters. It is so down right scary how deep they go into and how hard it is to come out of it a.k.a. Joaquin Phoenix when he portrayed Johnny Cash in Walk the Line. I love deep but with deep comes the fine line of dark and keeping from falling into the dark dark blackness... I am deep and have had a very tiny piece of dark. I have grown up around men who are deep and have had a piece of dark- hopefully not as dark as dark can get....

As I have pondered over why actors take on very dark roles, I realized that they do so because we all are human and the tale we all tell is about the good and the dark. They take on these dark roles and we the listeners to these tales begin to feel for the characters. An actor can NOT do his character justice without being able to empathize. That hits very close to me. I feel that I empathize well with others around me and it can leave me in a very bad place where I become less of me and my nerve endings become exposed...

It is sooooo distressing and upsetting to hear the news about Heath Ledger. I loved the Patriot, the Knight's tale, and yes, the 10 Things I hate about you. I heared that he was doing the Joker in the next Batman where he really went to the dark side and to find out that he had been doing some really dark characters.... I get this panic fear inside.

I have had my spell of dark and it was only a little bit then God showed me great Joy. I have been scared straight and scared senseless when loved ones around me begin to tip... Our minds can travel at the speed of light and often in may different directions at once but when you begin to focus in on dark, you can go too far and either fall off by accident or so far out there you can't get back.

We have to condition the mind. Whatever is true, noble, just, pure, lovely, good report, virteous, praiseworthy - THINK ON THESE THINGS. (proverbs 4:8) We must say when.

I am soo sorry and sooo disturbed. My heart goes out to Heath and his family. Empathy is a great gift and a scary one too. Empathy is very much needed in a hurting and broken world. I feel empathy and know it is a gift but I don't know very much on how to use it... I am still learning.... Maybe the lesson here is that human life is fragile and only God can hold all of us together...

Heath, you were a great story teller and had a great smile that reached your eyes.

boundary lines in pleasant places ...

On Sunday the pastor said that God uses two things to bring us closer to Him - beauty and pain. My mind tried and tried to add more to the list. I think I had another thought trying to intrude because I want to be drawn closer to God through beauty than pain. I think I was trying to get out of the pain part but there is no way, is there? Then yesturday I was listening to Elizabeth Elliott and the topic was about pain AGAIN and accepting God's portion and cup for us. Ok - when topics repeat in my life, I know I better listen...

To stuff it down into a bite size piece, you must suffer, bear the cross, receive pain in your life to really know Christ. He ultimately took on the cross. At what price? A price toooooo much? Yikes! As she continued on I wrote out my pain and how this 'suffering' is allowing me to know God.

To be single, to wait and wait, to feel unseen, unwanted, and not enough all the while wanting to be connected to another in marriage is to know God as my Husbandman, as my Great Keeper, as my Hiding Place, as my Refuge, as my Protector and Great Lover, as the Burly Big ARms wrapped around me letting me know that I am seen, kept, and delighted over... Wow!

Then she used this verse!

Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, surely I have a delightful inheritance.
Psalms 16:5&6

Submit to the portion and the cup given to you and you will feel secure. He is the Great Keeper and He knows me because He created everything about me. He sees the future and without Him I have no good thing... (ps16:2)

He surely knows that I would not handle being alone with someone than being single and alone... Yup, I do love my boundaries ... secure and pleasant....

the wild flower power loomed hat ...

Ah my dear Lucia,
OOOO I am sooooo excited! I completed your new hat!!! I know I made you one for Christmas but this is a pretty wild one. Your daddy loves to put you in hats. You were wearing the one I made you last Sunday and your daddy was telling them that his sister made it for you. Your Grandma told me this and I beamed!!! I think that is what motivated me try another hat this week.

Your daddy said that you could use a green one. Well, you are in luck. I happened to have a green yarn and a green, pink, and purple yarn. I did the trim in green and the hat part is in the multi yarn and turned out longer! Opps, hard to gauge how things will work out on a loom. No matter becuase as I was thinking on it, the longer part works out better for the big loopy flower I loomed for the top! Yes, I made a six loop flower in green with the multi pom pom for the middle. Wow! I am just buzzy over this. It looks unique and cute. I think you will look sooooo coool. It is a good thing you are young and no bad or squirrelly comment can hurt you. It will be a show stopper!

I am all smiles. I can't wait to see if it fits and what the reaction will be!!!

love you
always
aunt keeper

to understand ...

Tell me & I forget,
show me & I remember,
involve me & I understand.
chinese proverb

.:first angle:.
I wiggled with delight when I stumbled upon this today only because I know this is a truth. I have had a moment in a relationship where I was just screaming on the inside for you to involve me.... It wasn't just for my benefit but for you as well. The only way to be a good team is to take this step and ask me to come in... 'You just do not understand' is an excuse! Stop it! Involve me!!!

.:second angle:.
I feel that I am empathic. I tend to listen and often deeply. I am inclined to go over the moments after I am alone. I truly like to listen. I don't forget... mainly because I engage my own feelings to the intensity that I think you are going through something and try to feel it. I involve myself very quietly and under the radar. I desire to understand... whether or not you let me!

Wow, when I look at it from the other angles like a personal rule 'not to tell others what to do, rather ask', I begin to connect-the-dots. Isn't asking involving another's thought and learning process? You betcha!

a good thinker...

1st pizza ...

Nooooo, I've had pizza before but with my food allergies, pizza just would not do because of the flour. Last night using the corn torilla recipe made the dough more wet and patted out the dough onto a stone. I slathered spaghetti sauce on top with shredded cheese and parsley to top it off. Yes, very simple. That is how the very first pizza was made! Then I put it in for 30 minutes at 400*. The crust is very thin and crispy. It was perfect for me. I can't wait to do it again with maybe just a few more ingredients like onions and olives....

man-harlot/man-whore ...

Dear Daughter,
Having teenagers in the house, our family quiet time has focused on reading the Proverbs daily each month since the book and the month have 31 days. By starting this practice, we hope that when you are out in the big wide world you will come back to the Proverbs and find the strength to stay in obedience with your God. Also being a teenager means you are beginning to test your wings. You are learning to think for yourself. What better way to develop your wisdom than going to a book where the wisest king wrote down God-Wisdoms. Remember King Soloman may have been the wiset king yet he too had times of stumbling but keep the words in your actions. Be tenacious in actively obeying because as you obey, you are loving your God, the first commandment.

Always remember that you at your youngest was a strong little girl in your faith. Nothing could deface God in your bright eager eyes. Sadly as you grow older life and stuff of earth will tear at your flesh and your eyes become dull with pain and your innermost being feels so weak. Get back to that little girl and hold her hand! She has much to teach you about strength and the love God desires from you.

Let me tell you about what will tear at your flesh. I will use strong language not to scare you to tell you like it is. Proverbs 1-10 but especially 5 talks to the men warning them of the harlot. But I warn you of the man-harlot or the man-whore.

A man-whore is smooth and kind. He will give you attention where you have been dry for so long that you think that maybe you have some nasty mole growing on your face that you cannot see. You smirk but tis true. The enemy is a thief and he will steal your beauty and your God-confidence. You will feel so empty. And when you are in the light of the man-whore, you will feel things you never felt but longed for - acceptance. I hope and pray that the hollowness stings you before you walk to far into this false-light. It is my job to build up your faith.

The man-whore will take any form to get you. First he will be a friend but watch because when he starts to persuade you into things that you don't want - RUN! Hide! Proverbs is alllllll about hiding! It is ok to do as long as you hide under God's wing.

What will the man-whore persuade you to do? Bondage. Yes, M&S - the whole master-slave thing. You are called to be free. The whole bondage thing isn't foreign to you because you have grown in the Bible. You know submission. Beware, the enemy is cunning and can make it feel right. Don't hush your faith. God wants you free. Keep reading Proverbs. Submit to God only. No Godly man will persuade you to do anything that does not feel right in keeping with God's word.

The man-harlot is also a pimp. He will use you and sell you. He defames your beauty. Don't think he looks like what the tv and movies portray him to be. He can look safe and trustworthy. He is a one nighter as well as someone you can't get rid of once he has his talons in you. Don't ever get caught. If you do, seek God and He will free you. You will have pain to go through so it is best never to find yourself in this position.

Key things to remember:
If he persuades and persuades you,
If he uses your beauty against you,
If he pays attention to you,
If you hear a quiet voice saying no,
If he defames submission,
If he sells you or cuts you in private or in public,
he is a man-whore and man-harlot. It doesn't matter how simple he may seem. He will become the monster you never thought would happen to you.

I use to tell you that 'nice matters' - while it speaks of respect and good manners, around man-whores your nice becomes your acceptance to what he is selling. Your nice is thrown back in your face with 'so this what your really want'. When you are nice by talking and listening, he will twist this around and claim that you want to be dominated, used, and abused. Oh, they will be cunning alright and dress up the words so they lure you in ever so slow but surely. Don't be nice. Don't be mean. Don't stay. Leave without a word or trace. HIDE.

You may think that you will be safe within a marriage. I know your dreams and yes, Daddy has been a great role model for you and what you are looking for in a man. Thank you, Daughter, for sharing your dreams with me. Know I pray for you every morning and cherish your dreams. Back to plans. Remember God-plans do not go according to your time schedule. You may have a season where you will be and live alone. Maybe it will be a lifetime of aloneness or maybe it be before you meet the man of your dreams or maybe it will be after you spent a season with that man of your dreams or maybe it will be within your marriage that alone comes to you. Just know that you are not safe alone or in a human bond. You are only safe in God-Arms. The enemy is a thief. He even thinks he can pluck you from God-Arms. Keep your faith and turn your eyes to Jesus.

The harlot warning in Proverbs isn't for the young men or your brothers only, it is for you. The days are evil. Monsters lurk everywhere. The enemy is a thief. Protect your beauty. It is your value and the enemy knows it. You remind him of God's Beauty and that makes him livid. The more beautiful you are inside the more he will try anything and everything to kill the beauty in you. Hiding in God will keep you.

I love you, my daughter. You are beautiful. Keep guard. Love your God with all of your strength (physical), mind, heart, and soul. I will always pray for you.

always with love
mom

death thoughts!!!

I have to admit that I do my share of thinking about death. I have an overwhelming sense that I will out live my family and probably my friends too. Yet, as I say this I think about my own funeral plans. Why I do this I don't know especially if I will out live all those I hold dear! But maybe I am not the only one that thinks about death...

My latest thought about death is about knowing when a believer dies. You know that when they walk on Heaven's shore there will be a great celebration while we who are left on earth are sad. So why not begin the party here on earth? Sure Heaven's been preparing but we still have the edges of this believer. It is time to pull out all the stops. Why do we hush up or hush others from talking about death? Talk!!!! Sing!!!! Dance!!!! Enjoy!!!! They are leaving and they most certainly won't be coming back once they stepped on that celestrial shore!!! I won't blame them either!!!

I don't know but I say it just might be worth a try. Make death a party! Being saved is the ultimate gift given by our Heavenly Father. It is a gift that gives and gives. With death we finally receive everlasting life!!!! Wow! Pure, whole, beautiful, and strong. What more could you ask for??? A forever union with God, your maker!!!! Oh yesssss!!! Purely Heavenly!!!!!

high waters ...

We had a nice huge snow storm on New Year's. Big snow. Pretty snow - the kind that sticks on trees an inch thick making everything like a big huge winter wonderland. My Dad went out and got some really coooooool pix. I am thinking I need to get copies... They are so beautiful!

It was cooooold too. 8* was the high temp. Now that a week has gone by and a warm up happened. All that snow begun to melt making the earth very soggy. Monday going to work there was lightening spraying across the sullen skies. Monday night cames heavy thick raindrops pelting and beating everything in their path. It was freaky as the tornado watches were in implemented. We are listening to the wind. Is it coming? Looking out the window, the raindrops where huge and flashing silver as they forced themselves 100 miles an hour earthward. Where is all this water going to go??? You just knew there were going to be hign waters everywhere.

My town is a town that has a river running through it with tiny creeks running around. Where ever you go, you cross a small bridge. From past rainfalls you know where the water will collect. You know the park downtown will overflow into the grocery complex. You run through how you are going to get to work - go throught town or risk going through the country. I tried the country and then half way through, I decided to cut back into town. There was water in places I didn't know would collect. What is terrible is that the river won't crest until Thursday and here it was just Tuesday, the day after.

I made myself go through town even though it takes longer and having to deal with slow down areas around the schools make for a very hands on driving. Ugh. But the good side is to see the rivers swollen and brown. It is amazing to see first hand Nature's rhythm. I have a small remembrance back in the 80's where it was just this bad. Today I am collecting these visuals in my memory and wonder if it would ever get worse than this. What would it be like?

I am safe. My place is safe. Parents basement got wet but Mom said the eve drain away was off track... Wonder what it is like now? We always had problems with the wash room side of the basement. A human condition is going around finding out how family and friends fared. It must be like when our Bobby and Andy (family pups) wash their paws after they had a tussle just to make sure what was mussed up is put back into place...

1st photobook ...

I finally did it! I had some pictures on one site and they said move it or lose it. I began to shop around and finally decided on Shutterfly. They offered me a free photobook for switching. I spent some time two weeks ago scanning in photos and all day Saturday finishing up the book. It probably could be better but it shall do. It is for me anyways! The finish product should reach my door by the middle of January...

I now am bitten by the bug. I gotta do more photobooks! Ideas are just boucing around. Just what I need to take away more time from my writing project!!!

Next photobook will be for my Mom for Mother's Day. She wants a photobook on her parents. I can't wait!!!

divine power of love ...

I have two stories to tell today. They are true stories. I hope I remember them well and tell them well.

1st story is about a woman and a man who are married and in love. They have children. The man has to go to another country for a job, I think. He writes home often. One day the woman receives a letter from him saying that he will not write her anymore that he has fallen in love with another woman. The woman is a mess and doesn't know how to tell her children about their father. The children know something is up with their dad because their mother isn't doing very well at hiding the tears. One of the children asks if they will be getting any more letters from their father. Knowing that she is caught, she must tell them the true. "No, your father has fallen in love with another woman." The children think a moment and come back to her with a question, "Is it ok that we still love our father even though he doesn't love us back? Would you tell him to write us letters anyway so that we can love him still?"

(ok, the story does not end here ... !)

The letters from father continued to come and mother continued to read them to the children. One day a letter came for her and this was the most painful for her to read. This letter contained the news that he had cancer and would not be living long. The request he had hit really hard and what would she do. He requested that from her that she save back some money and send to his new family saying it was from him. He had no money left and he didn't want his new family to run into destitution. She sent back a letter saying that what she could do was have the new family come live with her and she would help them learn the new language and get them set up here.

Wow, that is loving! This is the second time that I have gotten the nudge that I can still love someone even though they don't love me back. I must eat my words! I am always spouting off that love is work. The hardest work is loving someone without getting love back in return. And... isn't this what God has done and continues to do?

The next story is about love and time and a true story.

A solder in the midst of a fury of battle with bullets raging on all sides was told to get to on saving the fallen conrads by his commanding officer. However, he hesitated and kept his eyes on his watch. It seemed ages before he finally looked at his watch one last time and then began pulling his fallen buddies to the rescue. After the firefight he was asked why he hesitated and what was so important about his watch. He said that he wasn't a christian and he didn't know about life after death but his mother told him before he left to read the Bible and that at a certain time everyday that she would be praying for him. In this battle of life and death, he thought best to wait for his mother's devine intercession...

Whoa!!!! I think enough said and time for the mental gears to chew on this...

latter times: forbidden to marry ...

Several times I have heard that in the latter times marriage will be forbidden! Yikes! NNNNNooooooooo!!! Can this be??? They are taking it from I Timothy 4:1-3 "Now the Spirit expressly says that in latter times some will depart from the faith ... forbidding to marry ..."

I am an old fashion girl with a verrrrrry high regard to marriage. I believe the marriage of a man and woman two pictures of God's whole reflection - a man being the warrior and the woman the beauty. God designed it so that each has a job to do and together they are a reflection of God. This bond of marriage can only be strong with hard work and the covering of God.

Ok, yes still single here and don't know the trenches and I've heard the 'be glad your not married'. I quietly look away as I roll my eyes. I am not stupid but I would love to have marriage yet as I say that I have to admit to you that when I bring my requests to God, I admit to Him I don't want marriage if it will be heartache and misery. It doesn't have to be! I am not afraid. {sighs}

Anyways I just get super frustrated hearing doom and gloom on the marriage front from Paul. I know he thinks a single person can better serve God than one distracted with marriage. Then here he goes on about the latter days and being forbidden to marry. I know that what Paul has written is God-Breathed, but I just struggle with it.

Here is my grief:
So in latter times it will be forbidden to marry ... so wouldn't it be the best of times to keep a marriage? You know the kind of marriage between a man and woman who love each other and love God and that love just spills over into the world with kind acts. Now I say that is the best kind of preaching!

As I write these things I can't help but reflect on all the broken marriages and lives out there. No wonder the forbidden to marry movement comes to be. Whose to say it isn't here already? With all the live ins and co-habitations? Or take the single population on the rise? Not to mention the multiple marriages.

Hmmm, latter days...

hiding place ...

This song happened to come across the radio waves on a station that plays hymn music. I love this radio station because the old greats are so soothing and fortifying to my soul. This radio station is very picky in choosing new up-to-date songs. If they like a new song, it must fit the old hymn like feel. This song did just that for me. I went to find the words and realized that it is a now song. Quite surprised!

What grabbed my attention was 'hiding place'. I often go to the Psalms because King David is my favorite Bible author and my favorite Bible character. I need to do a word study on 'hiding place' to see how many times it is mentioned in the Psalms. I did a quick check using the internet and was disappointed in finding two places in the Psalms. I don't think it took in the account the times David mentions 'hiding in God' etc. I think it needs a human study...

Check out this verse from Proverbs where David's son is writing down God-Wisdoms. "A prudent man foresees evil and hides himself; the simple pass on and are punished" Prov 27:12. What about having a God-Confidence? Wow. Again it takes a balance to hide and to stand firm. You must do both. They walk hand in hand.

Here is the song:

There is a hiding place where hope is born.
In a time of danger, when our faith is proved
There is a hiding place where we are loved.

There is a hiding place, a strong protective space,
Where God provides the grace to persevere;
For nothing can remove us from the Father's love,
Tho' all may change, yet nothing changes here.

In a time of sorrow, in a time of grief,
There is a hiding place to give relief.
In a time of weakness, in a time of fear,
There is a hiding place where God is near.
~ Bryan Jeffery Leech

Happy 2008

Big white puffy snowflakes began to fall last night. Candles and Christmas tree lights aglow. Me in blankets watching some movies and looming was a soft and delightful way to ring in the New Year. I do have moments of delight and joy while the gloomy numb ones sit in the dark corners. I know a bit off but I am a fighter so I am bringing it home. I will dive into all that brings my lips into a upwards curl and lights up a brilliant sparkle in my big brown eyes all the while not striving! Tall order but hey that is what living in balance means...

Here are a few good words from the Almighty...

"I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
jeremiah 29:11

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all that you do, and He will direct all of your ways."
proverbs 3:5-6

You can have many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail.
proverbs19:21

The Lord says , "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you."
psalms 32:8

We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.
romans8:28

... what reassurance!!!

maybe I am planning my midlife crisis!!!

I still have joy and I still have my lows but I have this feeling of being void or numb. I am always close to tears and feeling like I am stuck on this mouse wheel going no where. I've been looking back over my very dull year and wondering where the real highs were. There is no romance, no stimulating mind convos, no healthy social stimuli, and my passions seemed grounded upable to fly.

There I am willing myself not to cry as I have my head buried in my bed looking over my past and wondering about the future. Today leaving work I was crying. I am glad to have my job and I know every job has it bad sides but I am on this wheel and I can't get off! I would rather be at home being creative. I have got to stop waiting for someone to do life with. I also got to do something or I will be knocking on death's door with a boring life attached to my backside. I want morrrrre.

So as I was searching through what I call my life, I stumbled upon this quote: Live the life you imagined. Maybe there is something to this. So as I close out this year, I will be seeking to really live in 2008.

What is do I imagine for me? Do you really want to jump into my dark mind?

Here is a list of beginnings that I really need to follow through...
*writer - get back to being a poet, practise my story telling, really begin that book
*painter - step beyond the HT books and find my own style
*a creative - allow this child to really play in every part of my life
*organizer - let lose and really hone my home to be sleek and cozy too
*walker, dancer, 'weighter' - to feel good inside my body
*crackfiller - to be generous with my love
*joyful - training every part of me to seek Joy and be Joyful above all else

notes on encouragement ...

Just want I needed! So here are the notes I jotted down from Steven Davies' message on Encouragement/Discouragement.

ENCOURAGE= put heart in
DISCOURAGE= take heart out

causes of discouragement:
-sickness
-relationship discord
-maintaining purity in a dirty world

loss of:
-strengh
-vision
-confidence
-security

thoughts:
'God has forgotten me'
'God hides His face from me'
'God does not have the answer'
'God is gone'

---> We then begin to plan our steps instead of allowing God. We forgot that God has designed and has determined the length of our trials.

courage builders:
*encourage one another
*courage comes from instruction (Old Testament, Bible) - obedience =practise what I learned)
*courage comes from waiting on God
--->twist yourself like a grape vine aroung God!!!

highlights of 2007

* getting Tiger for my iMac
* receiving my iPod
* learning how NOT to tell others what to do! *wink*
* figuring out relationships with the 'Table epiphany'
* new job in Accounts Payable
* welcoming a new niece to our world- Lucia Irene 'peaceful light'
* recycling weekly!
* summer saturday walks!!!
* paid off Jeep
* checked out a condo! loved it...
* a shocker - am I blocking a blessing?
* Tornado hitting a small neighboring town
* being allowed to know how x is doing
* tried a big craft show - won't do it again

firsts of 2007

*1st podcast – downloading & listening – jan 14
*painted 1st pansy!
*painted 1st ‘3’ star flower – my own
*painted 1st pea pod –my own
*1st taste of agave
*1st go on citrus trees (they are naked - not sure they will survive)
*loomed 1st baby hat for Lucia for her 1st Christmas
*1st time seeing tornado damage

fav tunes of 2007

* "A Feeling like that" by Gary Allen
* ''Fall'' by Gary Allen
* "Watching Airplanes by Gary Allen
* “Need a Hand to Hold on to" by Dierks Bentley
* ''Don't Make Me" by Blake Shelby
* "Winner at a Losing Game" by Rascal Flatts
* ''Take Me There'' by Rascal Flatts
* ''If you are reading this" by Tim McGraw
***** ''More than a Memory '' by Garth Brooks
* ''Stealing Cinderella'' by Chuck Whitt (newcomer) ??
* "Let the Wind Chase You" by Trisha Yearwood w/ Keith Urban

Flashback: Imcomplete CD by Backstreet Boys
- needing to feel this deep enough to get rid of the imcomplete feelings that haunt me... will it work?

basically give me heartbreak and I will love it.

fav reads of 2007

*Quiet Leadership by David Rock
--->Lovvvvvvve this book. I am soooo sick of others telling me what to do! This little read appealed to my mind and I turned it onto myself - teaching myself how to think and do better and I hope to master the art of conversation without straying to conflict!! Top book of the year.

*The Way of the Wild Heart by John Elderidge
--->This was way better than his Wild at Heart because he offered a way through a man's path. I found it very helful even in my own girl path. Wonder if he will have a sequal to Captiviting???

*P.S. I Love You by Cecelia Ahern
--->I do watch what I read and I wasn't sure if I should partake of this one. However, I am a weird place (more on this weirdness in an entry coming soon). I want to grieve and I want to experience someone else's grief and not my own. My grief isn't a real death but rather ridding myself of feelings and wishes that need to die. The best and the saddest part of the book was the Gerry. He was a husband who was funny and could make his wife smile. I am not sure how to put it to words other than he got his role right and completed his wife - not that he made her whole but they were just great. It just makes the ache in my own heart deeper. The book is much better than the movie but they did get Gerry spot on. One thing not good about the book was the language.

*True Believer by Nicholas Sparks
---> I like reading his books to get a guys insight on relationships. His other books I've enjoyed better.

*Psalms 18
---> Do you want the guy on the white horse coming to your rescue? Read this as a damsel and see how God is the Knight in Shiny Armor. I read it when especially low.

fav movies of 2007

*August Rush & Marian Child - best tear jerkers of the year!!!
*3:10 to Yuma - best western of the year & best intense eyes
*Bourne Ultimatum - best energy adrenaline of the year (will have soar eyes and a smidge of ha after)
*No Reservation - best romantic chick flick of the year!

monthly thoughts from 2007

Jan: Be a good stewart of His Gifts
Feb: Prepare for His Abundance
Mar: Value the person - value their dreams
Apr: Am I faithful?
May: Love is chosen
Jun: 'to hear Him pass'
Jul: trust & obey
Aug: seek God & He will find you
Sep: love= waste not
Oct: it is all about today
Nov: 365 Happy Days
Dec: your value is in your smile

death or rejection ...

Having a conversation about losing your significant other to death, I do believe that life is easier to go with if you lose your SO to death than losing him to rejection. See with death you know for sure that there is etneral life and you will see him. All the memories made will still be held in beauty and revisited often with a smile shining through the tears.

With a rejection the beautiful memories made tend to turn to ash in your hands on a windy day. Really there is nothing to hold onto. Even if the other is a believer, you are diffently not sure you really want to see him. Sure I might see things with my new eyes, but I don't think anything can make coward behavior good.

what woman want ...

A thought popped into to my head the other day and it goes like this ...

If I am wanting within a relationship with a man, he ain't the one!

... whew & wow! Pretty big thought for little ol' me! Then I started to list my wants and began to realize to fight back the 'he's just not into you' and all those guys who give off mix messages with my own 'he's just not want I want'. Two can play the game.

my want list
I want :
1. to be choosen/pursued by him
2. to follow his leadership.
3. to be filled by him & to receive from him.
4. to be his beauty and know his eyes light up when I walk in the room.
5. to be rescued by him.
6. to be protected by him & know I am safe.
7. to be kept by him.
8. to hear endearments & I love you's from him.
9. to be of value to him.
10. to be needed by him.

I feel these are basic needs all women need within the agreement of marriage. And if I find that I cannot function safely within these bonds, then he ain't the one! I WILL NOT accept motley and muddled inbred messages from boys who claim they arn't into you half the time and the other half of the time want you to pant after them. I am making boys sound bad but I have had grown men, a few who were suppose to be believers and even one I really looked up to mess around without regard to my heart and I am sick of it.

Truth be told I am sick of myself who broods over all the mixed messages trying to knit together something thick enough to keep me warm. Oh, to be safe .... NOT GOING THERE! Bye! I got to go read Psalms 18! The True Knight in Shining Armor on a white horse to boot....