crowed mind ...

I have a hot topic brewing in my from the weekend and wanted to digest it here this past Sunday. Even though this issue can put me to a boil other things have crowed in and taken over mind space!

I have a major prayer request for a step-dad in the hospital for unknown pain...

then I have a huge craft show on Saturday that I am nervous and excited about. I am so thankful Mom will be doing this with me. I've been painting every evening and with my day off today, I have a few odds and ends to finish off. Early start for me tomorrow. Ugh! So to bed early tonight? I hope.

No matter if this is a success or a bust, I will focus on enjoying every minute with Mom...

See you on the flip side ...

maybe I will find the time to wash clothes and decorate for Christmas! Ahhh, maybe a glass clutter free kitchen???? toooo much on my list... still not going to allow the enemy to steal my joy! he is thief, you know...

to be your friend ...

Dear Precious Gift,
I choose to be your friend whether you choose me back or not! It was confirmed once again to my heart last night.

I thanked God for you after our first meeting and have enjoyed our talks ever since. It seemed you cared back. I still have the memories. I cannot nor will I lean on my own understandings because it leaves me waffling back and forth wondering what I meant to you. I choose faith that the good work God has begun in you will continue until we meet again and not fear of rejection and aloneness. I choose faith that God will chase you down with the Joy that is only found in Him and not fear that the melchoney will take root in your heart. I choose faith that God will show you trust and not fear that you will never know how sure it is. I choose faith that God will hedge you in and protect you from the enemy who is a thief. I shall not fear.

So be gone forever but it is God Who whispers to my heart and directs my paths. He seems to be telling me to stay your friend and work it out in prayer. You can throw away friends but you cannot throw away a prayer warrior! Too stealth! Too powerful! I may never know the power of prayer here on earth when it comes to saving a soul from danger but when Heaven opens wide the annuals of history, I will trace my prayers and bow in awe of God and His Awesomeness...

Don't get me wrong, I see my talks with God every day that help me through and I am brought low. But when it comes to prayer for others, they never let me in to see. I am cursed that way. Like in the Wonderful Life when they prayed for George, I shall see God's Handiwork first hand one day in your life.

Shhh, my mind. Shhh, my heart and soul. Hide away. Hide away.....
always here - waiting for your final 'I'm back' ...,
a keeper

renewing the mind ...

Back in 2003 I had some catch phrases for myself to get through my job loss.

*more not less
*better not bitter


I've added some new catch phrases in the past few days to acheive some growth in the area of my space where it is physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. Right now I am looking to clear out my physical space. I really don't want to deal with the emotional or mental space. Ok, I admit - I do have some dark murky black holes in that mind and heart of mine! Here are my catch phrases:

*fleeting or abiding?
*waste or treasure?
*clutter or freedom?
*idol or tool?

I have choosen to ask myself these questions instead of using a statement form. I do this when at the store or when I am looking about my house. I see small improvements. I have experienced a small bit of freedom. I can't wait to wow Mom someday. I'll have her come over and I wait her to say 'somebody rob you?'

Then I shall say 'Nope, I put a stop to the thief and this is the result! Well, I allowed God to be my strong man. I am too weak'

turning of the leaves ...

It has been a wild ride for the leaves this week! It is the end of November and the usual is grey on black. Naked black trees standing against grey mist. This year summer pushed way into fall. The early trees have dropped their leaves but the stragglers were still holding on until Wednesday where it was raining buckets. While crushing numbers to get vendors paid you could hear the study hard rains. A rough go driving home. The leaves could not hold on any more. Thursday dawned a simple weather day until the evening where the snowflakes started fly. A nice soft blanket was there Friday morning. Nothing to keep it but a nice changing of seasons. Winter is here!!!

August Rush ...

Excellent Movie!!!! A resounding 10! A must see.

This will appeal to any music fan especially to the ones who hear the music everywhere. But to all who believe that your passions is a GIFT and that you must use this GIFT at all cost or that this GIFT is better than food or if this GIFT is your breath and life, you will absolutely applude this movie. Again a tear jerker!

I loved how the creator of this movie showed how the gift of music was passed from your family to you and how it connects you to them even if you are ripped away from them and how it will bring you back them.

In my own life I look at your passions and dreams with such awe. I have supported and cheered on a loved one. I don't know my impact. He has stepped out and this movie made me cry in sadness of me losing out on knowing his progress and I shed tears of knowing that these passions and dreams will take him far and wide in his life journey. God has His way and is stronger and more abundant in His dealings with this he. He is good Hands. Tears of knowing...

We are given gifts. They lie in our passions and dreams. How passionate are you to live out these dreams? Gotta do more than eating or breathing? If no, shouldn't you? Go be moved by August Rush. Make it happen in your own life!!!!!

Dear Precious Gift,

I thank my God every time I remember you which is often. I hate to admit how often! In all my prayers for you, I pray for JOY to envade your life. I pray with JOY because of your partnership in the saving gospel. We are believers and that is an language all its own. I am so confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it onto completion. What a day of rejoicing that will be on Heaven's shore! It is right for me to feel this way about you since I have you in my heart for you share in God's favor as do I.

This is is my prayer: that your love, joy, faith, and trust may abound more and more in the knowledge and depth of insight of God. Simply that you fall deeper and deeper in love with God so that you may be able to discern what is best and pure so that you are fiercely blameless before your King.

Recalling your dreams and even your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with JOY. Yes JOY, I have been reminded of your sincere faith which you have shared with me. What an inspiration you have been to me! What memories! Loved it all. For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God which is consuming and so freeing. Whew! For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline. Simply a overflowing joyful abundant everlasting life!!!!

You are a child of the Most High God. You are created and designed by Hands who bare your name. You are a Precious Gift.

always your prayer warrior and this is Holy ground
keeper

found encouragement of same thoughts as Paul in his letters recorded in Philippians 1:3-11 &II Timothy 1:3-9

my thank yous 07

* my family * As I anticipate sitting down at the table looking at each one and marveling how well we are woven together making a creative and unique group. * my parents * They are soooo supportive and there for me. They give me sooo much love. Huge thank you for being available when my Jeep's battery died! * my puppers!!! * They get soooo excited to see me and can't get enough of me. When they do settle down it, it is right beside me. Andy loves a goooood chest rub or an ear scatch. Bobby loves a total body rub down. * my precious gift* He is a memory that I hope does not fade. He has been a dear kinship and has great influence upon my mind and soul. No wonder I miss him and don't feel like I can let go. I do wish for a homecoming but thankful for him none-the-less. * my home* It is a retreat where I can be me. I'm learning to make better a small space. I have an abundance and it is time to trim down the clutter and feel a newness and a freedom. I am up for the challenge. * condo dream * Way to much money but has given me inspiration to make way for soup suppers invites. My apartment can be my art studio and a classic cafe to invite another to sup with me. * my desire to paint, write, and organize * This is my excitement and inspiration - my life. * 'Quiet Leadership' * It has opened up to me the way to generate depth of talk with someone without getting into an anger fit. It has enhanced my own 'table epiphany'. * my Heavenly Father * He is the greatest Teacher. He has a gentleness about Him that makes me great. I've learned great lessons this year all around what a relationship means. I call it 'table epiphany' which means you have only what is brought to the table to work with. * my summer Saturday walks * At the beginning it is hard to do for shy reasons but once I get into the routine, I get selfish and sad when I can't do it. * feeling more settled about food * After changing my food around due to severe HA's, I felt really messed up. Reading all the zone books and practising it in my life still didn't cover my weakness of treat binging. Time has helped me stop this bad habit. I avoid these treats too! I still felt something missing and read another book called Fiber 35 ( I think ). I have added more fiber and I can tell! I especially need it because of the family history on Mom's side. I just feel soooo much more satisfied with my eating. Have found success with one baking recipe. It isn't ready to share just yet but give me one more go and it should be. Will be trying a cheese cake soon. * my table epiphany * I don't give up. In a way you can say I've given up because if I linger on it, it feels that way. Really, I've made peace with relationships. I understand more fully that a relationship is only what is brought to the table. Nothing hidden underneath or forgotten. It is like packing for a picnic and somethings you have to be the one to bring everything and the kitchen sink. Or you have to be creative with what you have. Simply it is enjoying what was brought and enjoy the company. * my new job * It is hard work but I have invited God to help me when I am struggling and I thank Him when the way opens up! Amazing lesson! * learning he has a new job * I have had no answer to what was happening in his life. I knew he was struggling with 2 bit jobs and life pressures. God gave me a small answer and I am thankful to still be a prayer warrior. I still can cheer him on!

Huge Hug to You, Heavenly Father!
The hugest wow for me is my love for You is deeper and richer. I like this LOVE feeling that comes from really digging into Your Word. I am still learning NOT to lean on my own understanding. I am learning to really trust You by not trusting man. You said 'cursed is the one who trusts in man'. It is making soul sence.

I do have abundance and I do feel the overflowing joy in my life. It is amazing to feel it even when a burden or two that tug at me. I do feel like exploding!
always learning
your little girl

wonderings

Heavenly Father,
I wonder what work You are doing in a man's life. I wonder what new things he is learning. I wonder if he has found relief in his work. I wonder if he valuing his design. I wonder if he is making time for a day of rest with You. I wonder if he has tackled this anger thing he thinks he has. I wonder if his thoughts stray to our many conversations. I wonder if he really ever like me like his emails and voice said. I wonder if I really mattered to him. I wonder if he ever goes back over all the snail mails I sent. I wonder if I ever encouraged him. I wonder if he thinks of me...

I believer Your Sovereign Power works in him. I try to be patient. I want to honor Your answer to what he is up too. I am very contented that he is in Your Hands. I can't wait for the unveiling.
always yours

God, I have a question...
It seems that a person's best time is when they fall in love and become parents. Then you hear about the 40's being the new 30 and the 50's being the new 40's. Then it seems to quiet after that. What about the 70's, 80's, & 90's? Shouldn't this be the best of times? I worry. I am still single. I don't hear the mother call. I am afraid that single will be permante. I long for a teamship with another and You at the core but I fear it with and can't explain it... I want every part of my life to be the best times...
always wondering

yellow phase ...

The yesturday was grey and was tempted to rain but didn't. Driving around on my errands found my eyes attracted to lawns decked out in yellow leaves. The houses lining the roads took on a new brighter look. Houses painted in a Victorian rust or the brown brick looked the best. It is amazing what a change of color can do to change up things from the summer green. Soon all the leaves will be swept up and set a blaze (grrr) or taken away and the earth will change into drabby rain grey. I will be wishing for snow, but now is the time to enjoy the cheery yellow leaves...

mellifluous {adj}

' sweet sounding, honeyed, mellow, soft. liquid, silvery, soothing, rich, smooth, euphonious, harmonious, tuneful, musical '

There is a blogger who has a way with words but she uses words I never heard of and I am always doing the dictionary thing to find out what it means. I am not sure how this one is pronounced and am afraid to try it on my own tongue for fear I won't like the sound of it or that it won't do it justice. If it passes my ear test, this word just might become a pet word of mine. I certainly want my life to model it. I definately dislike strongly its antonym cacophonous which means noisy, loud, ear splitting, raucous, discordant, jarring, grating, inharmonious, unmelodious, unmusical, and tuneless.

scripture soak ...

I heard a story about Vietnam POW's who decided to write down all the Bible verses they knew between them so they could have some scriptures since they had no Bible. They were dismayed by how little they had.

I didn't memorize Bible scriptures when I was little and lately I have been putting verses that touch me in some way on 3x3 cards and carry them with me everywhere to go over in the small open spaces of my life as a way to hide away God's Word in my hart. In the morning I try sing hymns and recite verses. During the day I hum a hymn that always haunts the corner of my heart. I have always felt the need to hide the Word in my heart. I try harder these days.

What fun it would be to bring the young ones close opening the Bible and having them discover the Wonders and Mysteries of God! What fun it would be to get them all excited and prepare them to recite their favorite Scriptures to the family! Since I am a family of one, I shall do attempt to begin the ritual with God.

anti self help ...

Did you realize that 'self help' is anti-faith in God? The absolute ground work in a believer is admitting your HELPLESSNESS.

WOW! I wasted all my twenties in self help books. For my defense I had no clue what I was doing. I didn't mean to be faithless. I was tired of not fitting in with others. I am pretty dense because it I wasn't going no where but down and it took God taking my job away from me. I was left reeling but through it all God packed the Joy.

I am renewed every day with Joy and it is ever deeper with each moment. I must admit I am very helpless and very dependant on God. I choose to depend on God in the good times and bad. I give Him my gratitude for all the things I enjoy and I ask for for help when I just can't figure things out. My job fits me and yet I am overwhelmed. It is ok because it God and me and that makes things good. I am learning to bring God into my paint and my writing. I already see the world differently; it brings me closer to the Creator. However, I feel stuck in my passions. I need to bring it all to God and make sure He is my partnership. I want to experience my dreams exploding into Joy...

love letters ...

Oprah had a couple on today who wrote to each other every single day of their marriage so much so that they have 105lbs of letters! Oh, how I love that. But then again my love language is words.

Their letters consisted of 3 things:
1. How do I feel today
2. I love you because
3. a question <- they both answered the same question and would talk about it.

Ahhh, how I miss my Precious Gift. We were doing the question thing a loud. I ate it up. {sniffles}

found him!

I have been googling him to see if anything should come up like a blog. We were going to write together, so just maybe he would create a blog or something. Last month I noticed he wasn't in the online phone book, so I figured he moved. With what little I had to go on, I figured he moved back to the family farm. He didn't want that. Tonight I tried it again.

I found something with his name and something about a house. It wasn't in the same town as he was in before but who knows, lets give it a whirl. Hmm, real estate! It is a house for sale with pictures. Ok, strange. Then I scroll down and there is a picture with his name and contact info if you want to buy the house. The picture kinda looks like him. I pull out his picture. Can't tell for sure for sure. It seems like him. An instant thought came. Check to see if his mobil is the same! Yes!

I sent him a congrats on his new job. In our talks he told me he was a salesman inside. I am so happy for him. I doubt that I will get a response back. So no matter I am taking this as an answered prayer. I have been praying for Joy to hound him like it had tackled me. All I can pray for is what I know. I would tell God that He was all seeing and knew him better than what I could now. I didn't make a specific request but I did want to know how he was doing. God allowed me a peek in and I thank Him for that small answer. I've got a bit more to go on now when I pray him. I still miss him but I've got my prayers and that will have to do. Jehovah Jireh - the Lord provideth.

a hireling ...

I was listening to an audio book called 'Brother Andrew'. It is about a missionay who made trips behind the iron curtain to distribute Bibles. We were in Chapter 11 and my 'motives' were tested!

While in Cuba Brother Andrew is telling those Christians who wanted to get away from the persecution and go to the US not to. He used the passage in John 10 verses 12 & 13 as his back up. A believer is like a shephard. You stay with the sheep. You stay in the country and be the light and the salt there. If you leave, then you are a hireling.

'But a hireling, he who is not the shephard, one who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees; and the wolf catches the sheep and scatters them. A hireling flees because he is a hireling and does not care about the sheep.'

Brother Andrew felt that a believer who left because of persecution would have no divine protection any more and end up losing faith in God because of material things. When he put it like that, I was moved to tears. I had wanted a dear friend to come to my country for a bit of rest in 'hothouse faith'. I wanted him to get away from the pressures he was experiencing and rest up on all the faith stuff here. I wanted him meet my mom. My mom has a special way about her and I knew it would do him good. Now I have to take all that back. He is the salt and light in his own country! I cannot be selfish and take him away from that. He has kids and other family members who need salvation. God will protect his heart and soul. God always provide what we need even during suffering...

Are you a hireling? Are you there for your family? friends? Are you salt and light at work? home?

diseased ...

part I
I've caught his disease and I am madder than mad. Even though we had a developing relationship, we talked about his distrust issues and the cause and inwardly knew he did not trust me. Would he ever? I thought it possible. But now that he took off with out verbal reasons, I am facing distrust issues in my own life. I am aware so I hope I don't turn fully into this dehumanizing disease.

I was a girl who never was picked for marriage and still waiting. He was a guy pushed into a marriage and it fell apart. Maybe we could figure this out. No matter how good the talks and feelings were, he always had the bottom line of him being single the rest of his days. He even talked about being in the nursing home age tormenting others with his thoughts. I would cringe. I would never tell him but I thought and had talked long talks with God that we were something together.

Now with three years under my belt of being turned out without a clue, I distrust probably my own thoughts and feelings a bit more than any guy who would even try to get close to this (points finger to self). I've had it. I still want someone but I don't want to go through it again...

part II
She is shy and many who look upon her thinks she is doe like and very skittish. That is probably very accurate. Her eyes are woeful brown and tell many of her secrets like fear. Many conclude it to be distrust. If you are patient and don't come at her full force, you are rewarded. She isn't half bad and is very loyal. She will talk and she is friendly.

In her post college days there was this boy four years her younger who seemed to take notice of her. He would stare at her. Her parents told her she was too aloof. She didn't know what to do. She tried not to run. He never made the attempt. Even after he got married, she would keep catching him looking her way. Frustration built up. She talked about this years later to a guy who might give her understanding. He just said that this boy wasn't strong enough for her. She desired and deserved someone strong enough to get past her shyness. Ok, she thought. Was that consolation? She wasn't sure.

Then something in her early thirties a guy from church who would be considered a high school classmate even though he was either a year or two ahead of her decided to ask her out. He first came up and said hi ignoring her little brother. Little bro wasn't too happy and neither was she. He later called and she declined and that was the end of that. To her defence she knew of him. He was a son to acquaintances of my parents. She was not in his circle of friends and their paths never crossed during those school years. So for him to come up to her basically a total stranger, he really messed up by not taking the stranger out of the equation.

By mere chance she stumbled upon a really cool guy in a chatroom and developed a relationship - a good 3 years worth. Might not seem like a lot but they cut to the bare bones and wern't afraid to be deep with each other. Then as quickly as it came he left. She has been trying to disintangle herself but finding it impossible.

Recently another guy from church has begun his greetings again. It started a bit before the online friend. When visiting the church her middle bro stated that this guy was a classmate of his which makes him two years younger than her. He was married at one time; he has two kids. He is good looking. She just doesn't want to care. However, he is calling out hi and attaching her name. She attempts to be friendly and goes on. He had to get her name from somewhere. They never made introductions. Most likely he got it from the yearbook like she had to, but she was trying to place his face and to try remember him and nope, don't remember. What is so wild is that discomfort is her main feeling whenever he says hi. You can see her mentally talking herself into putting him in the just friendly box. If only she could have had a repreave during the week! No, Friday comes along and she is off at Walmart getting lotion, no sugar added grape juice, and prune juice that she can't get at her favorite store. She is in one of the quicky lines at the exit. While she is waiting next in line, she looks up. He comes walking in with his daughter. If you could of seen her face, her countance dropped and looked away putting her items on the counter. Instead of walking over to the entrance lane, he comes walking right by her in the checkout lane, says hi and how are you doing. She was so frustrated and beside herself with nerves, she picked up her bag and tore out of the store. Only to realize later that only two items where in her bag instead of the three. Argh! After telling her tale to a co-worker, co-walker said he is just being friendly. She still distrusts and it is in the ugly stage. She isn't just shy any more. Trust isn't a strong suite anymore. Too much heart break and she has had enough of that.

part III
Final thoughts....
If he should ask you out and you don't feel right, just say no thank you. Do not back it up with a reason even if he should ask for one. Giving a reason or a defense for not going out with him, subconsciously says you are trying to either change him or yourself. Big NO-NO. You cannot save, fix, or change another human being.

If you don't want this, don't get sucked into being nice. Be friendly yes but do not try to make it work in your head or your heart. Girls hurt themselves more than any guy. So don't overthink this stuff. Keep it simple. You have known what you want and you will know him when he walks in. Remember where your heartbreak is. Protect it all cost. No matter if you never find that one guy that gives you special attention, just keep reading Psalms 18. God is your Knight on a white horse...

where your heart breaks ...

My heart breaks right where I desire to have a bit of attention, to be valued, to be adored, to be loved. I don't need a stage with a huge spotlight. I am a shrinking violet type. No, I rather have a bit of starlight and pixie dust. And before you think I am off my rocker. Everyone's heart breaks for a bit of attention.

I have described this danger before as my tipping point and that still stands. Right where that need and desire to be liked is where I found myself tipping and finally falling off my place of faith. My biggest sin happens here. My biggest cry happens here. My biggest anger happens here. My biggest fear happens here. My biggest melancholy happens here. My biggest angst happens here. My biggest heartbreak happens here. My biggest torment happens here. And before you think you never, you too tip and fall here in this pit of attention aspiration.

My sin will look different than yours and you could go for years not thinking you will ever tip in your faith. It is important to explore attention needs and figure out what will make you tip and fortify yourself in filling up your love tank in the faith ways. There will be great times of lack. Desert times where living water will be scarce. You never want your desert time to be a wondering in the wilderness. Wondering in the wilderness comes because you lack faith. Desert times comes when God is strength training you. Know the difference. Are you plugged into the Living Water? Are you ready for when the heat comes?

This is what the Lord says: 'Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the Stream. It does not fear when the heat comes; it leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.'
Jeremiah 17:5-8

I wish that I would have been stronger and not tipped. I had a little bit of weight but I should have lifted more. As the years come and go from the fall, my wounds have healed and I have found to my greatest surprise is that I have fallen in love with God and I want to fall deeper. I used to feel dried up. I don't anymore. Where the heart breaks is still there and I am very aware of it. Yet, I don't feel so driven. I am more relaxed. Lonliness still perches heavily at times. When I droop and yellow, I go to the Stream of Living Waters. I talk back the Truths to the negatives and boost my faith by turning my face to my Knight on the White Horse (Psalms 18). Fairytales are true. Happy endings are authentic. Beauty can come from ashes.

My heart break will always be with me. It is my best teacher in being human and being God's beloved. It is also deep and I have more learning to go...

Hurricane Noel ...

She perked at this name when it was just a little storm two weeks ago. She used to know the silent he who lives downunder. He has never left her thoughts and she doesn't need another reminder.

Noel wreaked and brouhgt a lot of woes in his path down in the tropics before he became a hurricane and when up the East coast of the US. She doesn't like precious names used in storm naming. She remember her own named used in a cyclone touching his land and wondered if he thought of her. At that time she hoped it was good thoughts. Now that his name became a storm, she acknowledges he fizzled out and spun off into the unknown deep ...

wounded ...

She is there clutching her chest. Pain is sharp and dull at the same time. Breath short. Skin overheated. Cries overflow the soul. Teeth grit. Sometimes there is a void. She feels the dull steal over her. No matter. Her heart is broken in bits. She knows the steal will pour in and she doesn't want it. She rather have her heart fleshy and raw but does it ever hurt.

She is solid. She is tancious. She is strong willed. She is stubborn. She is a misfit. She is a half wondering if that is all there is. She is home. She is always here. He was always saying 'I'm back'. His son echos these same words. She shakes her head and the tears steal down her cheek every time a song hits home and there is a lot of that in country and enrique. She growls and tries to right herself... She gives in and goes to the Healer.

He has strong hands as He leads her into His office. It is a soothing sky blue and white clouds. She feels a slight numb as she floats into a conscious sleep. Here His whispers reminds her of her purpose and the dreams created for her to give. The Joy comes back and through the fog she feels the tingle begin to stream through her. It feels like strength. Her heart begins to throb. All too soon He begins to wake her.

Her hand reaches for her heart. It is there beating normal. No jagged bits. She looks into the Healer's eyes. Warmth and delight oozed over the brim of inner being. A smile popped and her eyes beamed. Wow!

"You will feel tender places in your heart. A wound healed doesn't mean you won't feel old pains again. It is a reminder of where you have been and where you want to go. It reasures you to go for the best and not settle for less. You just might break your heart again and don't be afraid of that. I made your heart soft and piable. Keep it that way. I made it so that your heart can break so that you will know love and joy that are both real and hard work. I am a Heart Healer. I mend and tend to your every care and need. I know how much you can handle and when you are overwhelmed, I sustain you. I am your God, your El Shaddai."

He heals the broken hearted & binds up their wounds. Psalms 147:30

longsuffering and kind ...

If you have read the previous entries, you would think I am having a break down. Not! I am exploring my dark feelings yet feeling pretty sunny. This week a radio speaker was talking about love being an action. (my soapbox scraps along the wooden floor, I jump on and yell here, here!) He lingered on love being longsuffering and kind (I Cor 13). It is like a reminder to me that even as I was left and he high tailed it out of my life most likely to lick his life-wounds, that I must be patient and kind if I truly love him like I think I do.

When I hear patient, I go to James 1:4 where it says 'let patience have its perfect work'. Often reading James you think of temptation - the bad kind like one of the obvious sins not the sin of going in head long without regard. I picture a horse on edge breaking through at the starting line before all the other horses. Ok yes, he isn't here for me to get all impatient with but it is a reminder to be patient as I pray to God for him and about him. If I love him no matter if he returns or not, I must love in my action with longsuffing and kindness. Embracing him with the Joy of the Lord - my strength - 'rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer ... (Romans 12:12)

Hmm, I wonder what this 'perfect work' will look like... mysteries!!!! what an adventure!!!

Martian Child ...

A 10! and bring kleenxs if you are a misfit. It rips your heart right open.

Don't you get tired of all the good byes? Doesn't your heart rip away more and more everytime someone leaves because for whatever reason they didn't give, it adds up in your own heart that you weren't good enough for them to stay? How do you cope? Imaginations are a more sure friend than earthlings any day! But when love is action it begins to melt the heart you have fortified with ice blocks to keep what is left of your heart from getting burned by absence and take aways that others seem to do to you.

Being a Martian Adult I see from both sides. I see wanting to go away into the imagination but the yearning to connect and the yearning to be accepted especially by at least one male outside family, keeps me trying to connect. So there you have it, me who is running away and running into head long, all the while standing in one place ... invisable.

A real true for me is that I am most likely a self imposed misfit. I have a stuborn streak with a mile berth. I don't go with crowd. I never like the crowd. It isn't that I want to be difficult, it is because there is a place in me that says go this way. It is important to be me and stop trying to be someone else. It is a huge struggle to be unique and accepted.

The movie is gets down and dirty in this misfit world. You cheer this father and son in their attempt to balance out their world - being themselves and connecting...

bye bye downunder ...

I had some not so happy feelings whisper to my soul this evening. Seems like everything Australian in my life is fading and fading fast. It has been a decline but again another phase seems to be coming apparent. 'Precious Gift' left me 3 years ago and I am still getting over it. I had my violent tear stage which was just horrid frustration and sadness. I had my reality phase when I allowed myself to really hear what he didn't say. That allowed the anger to be real yet that still did not get me over this habit. I began to heal even though I felt I would never get over him. He was a 'precious gift' and the returns of learning where still there. I would cherish that. I have to admit how long I would still continue to learn from the memories we made together. Would it come to an end without coming back to each other and make more memories?

Tonight a new phase silently came into my heart. A new sadness. I believe I am at the beginning of going on and living my life - just me. I have gleaned all I can from my time knowing him. I still have this yearning to pray for Joy to envade his life and for salvation for his kids. This was a gift given to me by God to shore up his life and his dreams in this way in the last phase. I will continue to do so in this phase. My heart and soul feel the life. It beats that you go on living and learning for myself. It isn't about what we shared together in our wishes anymore. How sad. It is wanting to be connected to someone and can't. I am just connected to myself. I don't feel that inner depth anymore. I desperately want that.

All lessons I have learned from someone, I make my own or I did not truly learn. I have brought some Australian things into my life for me and not to bring an essance of another person or place closer. I loved pumpkins and I tried to grow Australian blue pumpkins. I succeeded but they were diseased and I no longer can enjoy pumpkins because I discovered an allergy to them. I moved on to my love of citrus. I love lemons, limes, and oranges. So I am trying my hand at some indoor citrus. The Lime happens to be the Australian Lime Finger. It has showed some major signs of distress. I throw up my hands. Is everything Australian being taken from my life?

two leaves left ...

Neglect! Yikes, one of the days I returned to my apartment for a brief zip in and out while pup sitting, I was horrified as I looked over at my three citrus trees sitting in the perch of the west window. My AUSTRALIAN LIME FINGER drooped all its leaves! My Meyer lemon who always is quick to swoon for water wasn't showing any signs of distress. What!!!! Giving them all a drink of water, I figured all would be well again. Mine you, I gave them a drink about two days before. They are in clay pots so there is ample breathing room for them roots which I read that is what they prefer.

Next day on my quick trip in and out, I was beside myself over the major loss of leaves!!!! NOOOOOO, it can't happen to my Mate. I want this plant!!!! I want him to be happy, healthy, and fruitful!!!!! I am trying everything.

Third day in more dropped leaves. Two are left. I had expected them to fall of today too. They are holding on. I was trying to find info on this precious tree online. I guess he needs more shade than full sun. I moved it. I think the soil was too dry and that was a stress it could not handle. There where some leaves that yellowed so I feed it some food that contained iron. I guess citrus needs it to have green healthy leaves. I hope that didn't cause a problem... I still think it was lack of water.... No more absent minded, living in two houses, loving on pups, and forgetting to love on my citrus trees!

Oh by the way, don't turn me in to the citrus police. I am a newbie but I am very passionate about them...