hawk flights ...

The day was suppose to have rain but lucky me the sun came out this afternoon. Good timing for my Saturday walk. The blue sky was full of white fluffy clouds. Being a hot and humid day, the wind was a welcomed breeze. As I walked my last stretch home, out of the corner of my eye I saw the hawk swoop up from the grass up, up into the sky. It flapped his winds in strong slow movements and then would glide to one side then the other side. It wasn't a straight line rather a meandering path - like he was out for a stroll on whatever wind currant took him. Wouldn't it be nice to take flight like that?

I did try to see if this hawk had swooped to earth to cart of some poor little animal. Glad that there was nothing that I could see...

living a lie ...

Why write? To record personal lessons? What about fleshing out choices we don't make or cannot make in our lives?

I am a writer who tends to write out my lessons which are many. So what if I fleshed out a character to take on the choices I cannot seem to make in my own life to see what journeys and paths this character would have to take on even if it got ugly. Who knows maybe this character ends up making the correct choice for her but not for me the writer.

I was watching a show where a girl got to ream out a boy for not showing how much he cared for her. I was going to be really miffed if she kept him on because she was intensely attracted to him. I was pleasantly surprised. I having been in a place where I had kept my mouth shut and had a broken heart looked on feeling old (was hoping for wise) all the while cheering was going on in my heart. About time for a girl victory in the broken heart department. Don't get me wrong. The girl was broken hearted. Her chilling statement was what if she won't ever get to have the happy ever after. She really loved this guy but she wanted to be loved back. She was brutally honest. And she hurt anyway. But to have the ability to be honest can cut like a knife and it will cut your own heart if used. I want to be honest but I fear. I don't know how to balance kindness and honesty.

So my shower thought this morning was be a little-god and direct out a path not taken for myself in a 'throw away' character! Would I be able to grow some honesty? Or should develop a self portrait character and create a noble tale...? Maybe this is all a rouse to help me find my way back to an honest 8 yo and then I can do what I do best - record personal lessons...

I do think what is quite interesting is that whether a girl keeps quiet or is brutally honest, she ends up with a broken heart. However, in one scenario the hardship rest totally on the girl but the other the hardship rests on both if not more so on the guy. Just maybe the guy will be haunted enough to do something about his inability to love. I had thought so all along in my own choice and to see it played out in this way allows me to try baby steps to honesty.

PS: The opposite of honesty is a lie. I have to say that I am not going around and telling lies verbally. And I am not going around and fibbing with my actions. Rather, I live quietly and hide my actions if I don't feel safe. So by omission I live a lie! Yikes. How is that for BRUTAL HONESTY!

not giving up ...

I love my Rings movies. A huge thank you to a co-worker who lent me the movies and tempted me to read the book. It has been 4 years since. The first and second time I read and watched the movies all I could think of was war. The third year I watched the movies and all I could think of was depression. Now the forth year and all I can think of was not giving up. There were sooooo many times Frodo wanted to give up not just mentally but physically. I know the feeling of being so tired that the easiest thing to do is give up. However, I have never been so beaten up like Frodo. It could be possible that I would not pass the test. I am here and alive. I have been a tenacious lot and giving up is so not my style. So much not my style that I kind of detest the giving up one sees in others. I love how the Rings show worth and honor in the fight and in sticking it out with the ones you have pledged to endure the adventure with.

I dearly love Sam and I feel most kin too. I have to peal my eyes off him and his story to the other characters like Aragorn & Arwen. Especially in movie two, I was very ticked off by Aragorn's eyes seemingly to take in another woman instead of Arwen who had told Aragorn that she would give up being an elf and become mortal. Aragorn who is a warrior through and through faltered with his love towards Arwen. I being a fan of love stories and tenacity was chalking it up that men just play games with girls hearts and here we go again allowing them to do so. This time for some silly reason my heart gave Aragorn a small glimmer of a chance to redeem himself. Arwen promised and pleaded with him to trust and believe in their love. Aragorn away at war I think began to wonder if he himself could allow Arwen to become mortal. But the other side of me is sooooo sick and tired of the guy not trusting the girl. Not every girl out there is going to be a fallen Eve. There are those of us that come from the Redeemed Eves. Anyways! He did pull through and did not give up on Arwen even though he seemed surprised to see her there when he was crowned king.

I am all about not giving up. The book/movie is all about decorating the 'not giving up' with honor. It makes you walk away daydreaming of a day when honor reigned supreme all across the land. Then you are awaken by blares of alarm clocks and horns and rude people. That is way I keep going back to the movies and will eventually reread the book. I want honor and valor in my life. It makes you feel worthy of the life you are given!

'whatever is noble - think on these things!' Phil 4:8 We are made for nobility!!!

poo stomping ...

The more you stomp in poop the more it smells.
~ Billy Ray Cyrus

Hmmm! Interesting and quite true. Soooooo, what poo have you been stomping around in and really quite frankly making a big muck and stick? I believe it is a question we should answer honestly.

reasons for war ...

I have decided to read all of the Narnia series and have watched the two movies. I am also going through the Ring movies as this is one of my yearly pacts with myself. I do not know too much of these two authors' personal history other than they were British authors and friends in a time where war was on their minds. Reading their most popular stories, war is the theme. I wonder if they would be rolling around in their graves if they could see today's 'war' mindset.

What is happening to our vision? Yes, there is a veil covering our eyes but a believer has the ability to know what is on the other side of the veil. No, we don't fully understand but we've been told in the Letter from God. War is apart of life. To fight evil - to hold to good. Anyways this is not to debate war but just an observation. A first thought .... a continuing thought ... and a thought that might not get answered until I reach the other shore...

872 less ...

An achieve was made on my blog and there where 872 less this year than last to take a gander here. It is interesting to compare the maps for the 'whos and wheres'. Disheartening for the lower numbers, yes. But maybe a new year brings new readers and thoughts...

blogsphere {n} ...

I love the blogsphere. It is an more intimate setting between writer and reader, talker and listener. It is about everyday life and it is about depth at the same time. You can visit anytime because the welcome mat is always out. There is no need to watch the clock and leave before you get thrown out. You can be quiet as church mouse nibbling on cheese and I suppose you could be loud too without disturbing the peace too much. I favor the smaller quieter places of the world. I like depth and really knowing someone dreams and passions. I want no social ranking games. I don't want it to be too loud but just right. I can throw a laugh that echos on the walls but just smiling down to the depth of my toes feels sooooo goood and the blogshere is just the place for me to 'socialize'.

I have a blog I read because she writes so well. I don't care for her world as she made it but I do keep coming back because I want to be encourage to write well. Another blog I read is because of her location and she is a single girl coping with no men. She will soon be crossed off my readership because she is getting a bit to negative and too worldly for my stomach. She was teaching art and now she is teaching first grade, I think. Now for my favorite blogs to read - I love reading this french cook's blog. I can't enjoy the food the way she does because of my food allergies, but I just love how she writes!!!! She has a cookbook! But in her blog her foods are characters and you just feel so much apart of her world. She travels too and has parties to meet her readership! She has been to Perth, Australia and of course New York - job thing. She traveled to the US for a vacation but of course she blogged about the foods she encountered. Pretty cool. Another favorite blog of mine is from a place I would love to visit, Brisbane, Australia. She just moved from Melbourne with her hubby. She started a cafe and is expecting her first baby. She blogs about her life, her cafe, her craft projects, and about her family. She includes small photos and she is pretty good with it too. It is a wonderful peek into someone's life. From her I have learned that while Martha Stewart might be big here in the US, but it is Donna Hay downunder. I have noticed Ikea is big and so is the Oriental touch in their fabrics and crafts. These are a few blogs I enjoy. I see that I navigate those that inspire me in my own life.

I think if someone was to describe my blog it would be that is about enjoying the little things of my life, it about letting go the past and pressing towards what lies ahead, it about learning and growing, it about certain soap boxes like anger, melancholy, abandonment etc, it about my life with God, it is about words and my love how songs and hymns impact my thoughts, it about my passions like writing, painting, pups, creativity etc, ... I do get heated at times and light hearted at other times. Of course I want my blog to be enjoyed but that is part of my need to be liked. It is quite possible to turn people off with what I write. I have to be ok with that just as long as I feel that there is balance of depth and joy here.

Blogsphere is a great place to inhale and exhale...

Happy 4th Birthday, llj!

Looking back over the past four years, I realized that I just skipped over reminiscing last year! Not sure why... This year I can't help but reflect. Since I started this blog and it soon became the voice to fill the void that I had. This quiet girl has always needed to speak and surprising she has a deep need to have someone to listen and validate her. Though I do not have any readership to listen, just the process of getting my thoughts on virtual paper allows me to stop and listen to myself.

The lack of readership and the lack of interaction weighs on me. I had wanted this to test my writing skills to see if I am worthy. Either I have failed in writing ability or I have failed to pull readers into this bit of space. Working on llj attraction skills takes time away from writing and then after all the work nothing happens. I am still working on getting some curb appeal. Not giving up.

Celebrating this milestone is a bit bitter too. It now has been four years since x took off. Four years since which is now longer then the time we spent getting our friendship on. x was the one who planted the blog idea in my head. I went for it like I always do. I am tenacious like that. No apologies.

Frustrating! This kind of birthday should feel like getting another year older...

1st b-day

I AM SMART ...

My life journey has been about how I learn and how others learn. I was a poor student in school and it took every bit of my education to slowly figure out that I indeed was a very smart cookie. No need to worry about me getting a big head. This life journey has not been easy nor is it easy now.

I have learned that to be smart you need a way to express yourself in your best way and even in the worst (like fighting). I have learned to express myself through writing - my strength. It gets my thought process hashed out in complete sentences instead of those dread flying fragments. Not until I had my blog where I could weld a virtual pen was I a complete person. All I could do was inhale and no exhale was making me burst at the seams with a chilling red hot anger. Now I am a bit more chilled and quite at ease with my thoughts. Being a true thinker becomes me.

However, when it comes to fighting, I run. I have been 'taught' badly from all my failures at fighting to keep relationships even with my truest and best intentions. Even now as I know my best way to fight (asking questions), I have no one to practice on who is safe to rehearse the precision knife skills needed to not harm or maim but to get to the heart of the matter to heal. Rather, it is like giants tossing about a ball just of my reach and I am running around trying to steal it away. Fighting alludes me. It is the 'last frontier' of being smart. I must accomplish this if I am fully smart.

Because I cannot isolate myself and become insular, I will sit and muse on 'random' (well ruminated and maybe a bit about the mulberry bush) thoughts and questions to pull the intended target in line and provoke them to thought without them realizing I am fighting... Make them do all the work!

To fight with out yelling and tears and separation ... ahhh bliss...

reasons to fight

I hate fighting. I hate yelling. And it never ends well. However, pushing yourself to the edge, you must fall. So here is a list of very important reasons to have an all out brawl.

* to feel what someone else feels / to gain understanding
* to clear the air
* to learn what will make the particular relationship stronger
* to come together (proverbs 18:1)
* to be friendly and civil (proverbs 18:21)
* to obtain relational wisdom
* to have harmony

'a brother is born for adversity' ~proverbs 17:17

'A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle.' ~ proverbs 18:19

Maybe it is time to stop avoiding the fight and start something ...

'A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.' ~proverbs 18:24

girds herself with strength ...

She went to bed in tears. Abandonment bit at her heels again as her thoughts grazed over the little cry of Tink when he saw his so-called master leave. The morning left her in a funk of weakness. The weakness that comes in a cyclical fashion and without warning. Feeling desperate for some strength, she decided to go to Proverbs 31. No, she isn't afraid!

Her eyes rest on verses 17 & 18 and her heart found the strength to continue. 'She girds herself with strength.' Girding about her core is the passions and dreams that fuels her joy like writing, painting, cross stitching, looming, and anything creative or that aids her in organizing. By digging into these delights, she 'strengthens her arms' to battle the ever creeping weakness.

She fills her home time with little projects that become gifts for dear ones or beautify and cleans up her space. Shouldn't her home time be filled up wisely with her strengths? 'She perceives that her merchandise is good, and her lamp does not go out by night.' She doesn't let the dark creep in and steal her joy. She doesn't zone out to the grey spaces that can put its talons in deep. The light is strong and steady. Her work bears up her spirit and her walk is soft and gentle.

Those that walk in the shadows of the night look up to her window shedding a soft glow and know this is a safe harbor...

commit ...

With "Quiet Leadership" there is a simple equation to change your habits. You start with your thinking. By changing your thinking, you change your feelings. By changing your feelings, you change your behavior. By changing your behavior, you change your habits. Of course you can only change your thinking by asking progressive questions.

While reading Proverbs 16, the first three verses caught my eye and made me question the simple equation presented by "Quiet Leadership". Proverbs has it where it ends with God establishing your thoughts! Hmmm! So I reread the verses again and again to test and to see what Proverbs' equation looked like. First, you must prepare your heart to act even then God has the answer. He knows exactly what you are harboring within your heart. No matter how clean you feel your motives might be God weighs your character and your actions. After you prepare your heart to act, commit your act (actions) to God. Then He will establish your thought. When I read that I understand it to mean that by committing my actions to God, God cleans up my thoughts. Let me tell you that there are some times when I hang on to some frustration or some hurt when I am trying to do the right thing. For example, I want to forgive my brother for abandoning the responsibility he took in getting Tink. I want to hash it out with him which won't work because the one thing brother taught me about verbal combat that it never ends well even if my intent is understanding and a win win situation for both. So I know with out a doubt that my best action is to shut up and forgive him. My thoughts are not there but with committing this act to God, I know that He alone can change my thoughts.

Putting these two learnings together, would be to commit the act or habit that I want to do in my life to God then God changes my thoughts, then my feelings, then my behavior, and finally I have a new and good habit. All I must do is commit and lean into God.

The preparations of the heart in man, and the answer of the tongue, [is] from the LORD.
All the ways of a man [are] clean in his own eyes; but the LORD weigheth the spirits.
Commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established.
~Proverbs 16:1-3

Happy Father's Day

Father's Day, 2008
A Proclamation by the President of the United States of America


White House News
On Father's Day, we honor our Nation's fathers for the unconditional love they give to their children and for their selfless dedication to the well-being of their families.

Fathers play a unique and irreplaceable part in the lives of their children and pass along values that help children grow into responsible adults. By providing their sons and daughters with a positive example, fathers help give their children the necessary foundation they need to make wise decisions throughout their lives. Fathers strive to inspire their children to lead lives of integrity, honor, and purpose, and they pray for wisdom and the strength to give their children the love and support they need to achieve their dreams.

All Americans are thankful for the extraordinary efforts of our Nation's fathers, stepfathers, grandfathers, and guardians. Their devotion and encouragement as mentors, providers, and role models help strengthen their families and our country. We are especially grateful for the fathers who serve in our Nation's Armed Forces. These dedicated fathers protect liberty so that all children can have a more promising future. We pray for the safe return of all those serving overseas, and we thank the fathers who support sons and daughters who are defending our freedom around the globe.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, in accordance with a joint resolution of the Congress approved April 24, 1972, as amended (36 U.S.C. 109), do hereby proclaim June 15, 2008, as Father's Day. I encourage all Americans to express their appreciation to all fathers for their many contributions to our Nation's children. I direct the appropriate officials of the Government to display the flag of the United States on all Government buildings on this day. I also call upon State and local governments and citizens to observe this day with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this twelfth day of June, in the year of our Lord two thousand eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-second.

GEORGE W. BUSH

Thank You, Heavenly Father for my Dad who is a strong foundation to my life. I am rich because I have my Dad's God in my life.

I live in a generation where there are dads out there who love You and are divorced. I have seen two of them doing what they can and I feel for their struggle in being dad's in this time. By being fathers the same feelings they feel must be what you feel. May this be a comfort and a strength for them.

I give You much gratitude for being there for me when every thing seems to give way. You are always there with Arms to sheild and to guide. Thank You for YOU and for my earthly Dad.

~always your daughter

he knows ...

Brother and his family left Father's Day gathering yesterday and Tink started his typical barking because he hates being left and entering his plea was a cry. He knew he wasn't going home. Later, when he went inside he looked out the bay window with his ears flopped over looking, tears welded up and anger seethed in my heart. Tink has feelings. He is sad and he doesn't understand.

Tink, brother's dog, has been dumped upon my mother's conscious and she packed him and took him home a week ago Friday to live with the other two boys, Bobby and Andy. Tink is a mid size dark coat toy fox terrier. Tink is more of a challenge to train but being a last born brother was at odds at trying to train. Pretty much he was lazy and quite lousy with his training of Tink. Now with a daughter he wants Tink out. He says there is biting issues and waking up the baby issues. And to be fair with brother, there was a time I wouldn't have known what to do with Tink either. But Tink has found a place in my heart and being abandoned has tempered me and even slowed me down. I feel and love Tink as much as I love Bobby and Andy. I do worry because Bobby and Andy don't care for Tink. Andy is the Enforcer of rules and guards all cookie boxes or food bags. Andy is the pack leader. Bobby too curls his upper lip and gives sad eyes saying he isn't getting the rightful amount of attention. So Mom, Dad, and I try to give much love to all three. It looks like it is a forever deal especially of the off handed remarks made by brother about hating fox terriers and how it has been so great to get rid of Tink.

I am so livid. He knows better. Mother had better make it real clear to him as she said to me that he must swear never to get another dog until Tink dies. I am crying as I write. I know I said that I would be respectful of family but this hurts. The once twin 10 years apart is quickly becoming a stranger to me. In fact I am finding my middle brother much more in common with me.

One of my top pet peeves is abandonment. When you take on responsibility, you have got to see to it to the end. Abandonment is worse than death. It hurts and it is such a slow death. How do convey to a dog that he is better off in my parents home where he is loved unconditionally when humans don't even understand abandonment? He is in a tough situation where he is loved by humans but not really by the other dogs... How do you convey to all the dogs that you love each and every one equally?

After the bros and families had left, the boys got there wish of humans sitting with them. Tink laid down with his head nestled within his blanket and with ears durped, he fell asleep. I am left to wonder if he sad or tired... probably both.

Maggie unwanted

A righteous [man] regardeth the life of his beast: but the tender mercies of the wicked [are] cruel.
Proverbs 12:10

American Flag Day ...

I love the American Flag. Every time I sing the National Anthem my brain is seeing the flag flying in a tattered mess but it is still there. I see the flag being set upon the hill in Iwo Jima. I see the flag set in the rubble of 911 by the fire fighters. I see the flag flying in the waters of Hurricane Katrina. Why do we set that flag up in every national disaster? Because it is a tribute to our fighting nature. We are fighters. America, please never stop fighting...

THE STAR SPANGLED ANTHEM
Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, thro' the perilous fight'
O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming.
And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

On the shore dimly seen, thro' the mists of the deep,
Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam,
In full glory reflected, now shines on the stream;
'Tis the star-spangled banner: oh, long may it wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion
A home and a country should leave us no more?
Their blood has wash'd out their foul footstep's pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave,
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Oh, thus be it ever when free men shall stand,
Between their loved homes and the war's desolation;
Blest with vict'ry and peace, may the heav'n-rescued land
Praise the Power that has made and preserved us as a nation.
Then conquer we must, when our cause is just,
And this be our motto: "In God is our trust";
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Tune: Anacreon in Heaven

Written by Francis Scott Key on September 14th,1814.

US takeover = falsehood ...

I read an opinion poll about the USA and her relationship with the rest of the world. I am always livid when it comes to these most likely is because I never liked following the crowd and I have a slight hang up or a major hang up when it comes to being liked. These two things just don't mix and causes me much angst.

However, you can hate the President that I love and you can hate a country that I love but when it comes to the comment where the Americans are all about taking over the world, I become enraged with a white hot searing anger. I've been on this planet nearing 40 years and there is not an agenda in our DNA to take over the world. It is in our DNA that we fall in love with the underdog and cheer him on. It is in our DNA to act like a young teenager who thinks in new ways instead of older more sour ways. Yes, we should not overlook the older wiser tried and true ways. It is in our DNA to be more of a cowboy with its rugged black and white in the sense of good and evil. It is in our DNA to give when a need arises. It is in our DNA to take out the evil. It is in our DNA to be free and allow others to enjoy that freedom too. Yes, we are a rambunctious lot and we get ahead of ourselves. My only fault with America and I can say this because I am an American is that we do need to return to our faith for which our country was built upon. We need to keep our balance and not stray to far on the wild side/ no boundaries or to the calm-do-nothing side/ all walls to hold everything out. We need to be creative and change our world in kinder and fresher ways. Holding to our faith, staying balanced, and being creative will only add to our entrepreneurial 'cowboyishness' love for the underdog.

Q's:
What fear is there in freedom? Could you be listening to the voices of the wind and making up your mind than standing firm on what you have tested? Are you listening to the oil markets and causing the prices to rise? Did you buy the extra house to flip or the house out of your means because of lax rules? Did you not go with the flow? Do you like to blame the government instead of yourself? Would you like to live a cushy existence given by the government than to go out and cease the day or cease the dreams and passions you might harbor in the forgotten corners of your heart? Would you rather let the government take care of the poor or would you rather get dirty in the trenches of life and give a helping hand? Do you like to put in too small preset notches? Do you liked to be mislabeled? Do you always want to be whatever you are doing at this moment? Do you want better? Do you want the government to condition your children's faith and learning? Or do you want to have a say in teaching your kids? Are quite fat and happy depending on mortal man and his fleshy ways? Or would you rather have the Almighty God in your life? Are depending on your wisdom or the general earth wisdom or God's Ultimate Wisdom?

ARE YOU JEALOUS? WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS? WHAT IS YOUR CHOICE? FINALLY, BE HONEST - AREN'T YOU JEALOUS?

See if you are going to make your opinions known about us, isn't that being too interested in our doings? Wouldn't that energy be put to better uses by changing your own world? Talk is cheap. Action is rich.

change your thoughts - change your life

Quit looking at us and start living your own...

stop trying - start training ...

My ears perked when I heard these words. So often I find myself defeated when I can't get it right and this was a piece of wisdom that really nailed it for me.

Training is about getting into God's Word and harboring it in heart and repeating it in your mind when you feel yourself falling backwards into old rutted ways. Training is about learning the self control fruit of the Holy Spirit. It is reconditioning your walk. It is about renewing your mind. Dig into the Word and find the bits of comfort that soothe you. Personally, I like simple phrases that grabbed me and I jot them down on 3x5 card so that I have it handy to memorize. Another little thing I do is when my thoughts stray to the no's in my life when I am trying to focus on the yeses, I mutter aloud or quietly within my mind a verse or a hymn or if all else fails - Psalms 23. Yes, I do a lot of talking to myself {smirks}.

By how often my thoughts stray away, I am dire need of the gym. Pretty much flabby everywhere even for an avid thinker. I have made huge improvements but I have a ways to go. It reminds me of tummy fat - you can be trim everywhere else but the belly holds the padding than a new pillow. In the physical word my arms have a nice contour from lifting 5lbs in each hand. I can lift maybe once a week and arms look good. However, with the stubborn tummy, I could do crunches every day and get no where. Just like my straying thoughts!

I do have to say that on the belly front, I found a crunch that started to do faithfully each day this week (progress!!). It doesn't hurt my back which some do so that is a good start. Maybe I will find a healthier stomach one day and while I am at it, trimmer grey matter too!!!

1000th

This is my 1000th llj blog entry and on the 19th of this month will be my third year of this writing experiment. Speaking of an experiment, I have put a lot of sparkle and spackle upon the walls of this space. I have been honest but respectful to family and friends that I have talked about here. I have tried to find a nice welcome sign but the walls still have an echo to them. I am afraid that as I do in real life, I am doing in my virtual space - talking to myself. I talk about everything. I talk about life. I talk about my relationship with God. I mix it all together because that is life of a believer. I have jotted down all my learnings that God has provided in my life. I am learning everyday. I would be disappointed if I couldn't. I am a girl and it seems the fairer sex talks a lot. Well, I may not do it aloud nor have I found a friendly loyal ear, so I spill my guts here. I had high hopes that my rants and raves would touch others but some how I've missed the mark. So if this was an episode, the party would be God and me. That's ok because I am a much more peaceful person now. Just having the avenue to process and form my thoughts out on virtual paper is my inhaling and exhaling. Yes, it is my breath.

My blog beginnings is a sad tale of a girl who was shut out of a life of someone who became like family to her. She talked way to much it seems. So in order to feed her addiction she blogged. That someone never returned but still she blogs. She has some tough learning curves and the curves seemed to keep coming around the same bends with more steepness and edge. She has held on for dear life until the force has pried her grubby mitts off the wheel of her life.

So without too much ado to any silent but faithful readers - sorry the glare of the headlights must be blocking my view of you fear of being run over!- thank you for reading my humble despairing tales of my thoughts. If you dare, share a comment. Be kind though. I am timid and fragile and most violent when it comes to mean or selfish comments.

wiiiiii!!!

I love games and wished for more game time when I was young for mental growth and social interaction. Now that the family is older and more of us, I hoped for game time. Not so much. However, my father bought a Wii a couple of months ago! Can you believe that? (However, we have got to get Dad to play more. Still a bit of a struggle...)

I am not a gamer and never wanted to be sucked into the vacuum world that makes you anti social. Books alone can do that to me when I have gone to another world. I remember back in college in the late 80's early 90's. I didn't like the guys stuck on the games in the lobby. Funny today it seems more out of control. Now I don't mind gamers. I just don't like the anti social feelings associated with them. I already feel out of sorts when it comes to the social scene.

So what makes the Wii different than the other games? It is a social game and it is about moving more than just your thumbs. I love getting my parents to play and all family members can play no matter the age. Memorial Day weekend the four yo nephew was playing with us. Just last Sunday Mom couldn't wait to play tennis that she didn't sneak in a nap before playing. She hated tennis a week ago but finally got the hang of it and wanted to make sure she hadn't forgotten. We've notice the amount of fans along the sidelines watching the tennis matches and Mom isn't happy that I have more fans than her. That is pretty cool of the Wii to make little nuances like that within the games. The better you are in tennis the more fans/Miis you get to watch you! Nifty!

Mom loves bowling and this past Sunday, she hit pro status! So we go and play another game of bowling. She is up to bowl and behind her name is pro. Ok, that is nice. I am watching her bowl and then it my turn. But I couldn't help but wonder about her ball. I asked her if she saw that her ball had stars on it. She said no. It was my turn and we couldn't see her ball any more. So when it was her turn sure enough there were diamonds on her ball. What! She is gets a special ball for being a pro!!!!!!! We were all excited and I just could not help but think that Wii did a real good design job with there game. I can't wait to see what happens in tennis when I hit the pro status. Will I get a special racket? Will I have the statdium rocked out with fans???

Way to go Wii on taking the gaming aspect and making it more social and family friendly!!!

wisdom + God's Glory ...

I have been thinking about Wisdom. In Proverbs Wisdom* is linked together with Understanding and Knowledge and I often wondered about this so much that I wasn't even sure what Wisdom was. It seemed to lofty and high for me to get. Then I landed on Learning. Knowledge is what you learn. What you learn is what you understand. What you understand you begin to put into your life. What knowledge you begin to use in your life shows up as growth. The growth has got to be wisdom!

* Through Wisdom a house is built, and by Understanding it is established; by Knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. ~ proverbs 24:3-4

With relinquishing the No's in my life and putting my eyes on the yeses, my eyes still want to look at those precious No's and figure out the whys. I still pray for understanding on those No's when I realized that I really need to stop looking at my want list or rather use my want list with the No's beside them as a launch pad and ask for wisdom and learning for what is my life. But further than that what is Wisdom without God's Presence? Yes, you can have all the wisdom in the world but without God in it, it is quite useless. Note: King Solomon.

My want list includes a great guy (yes, there is a nice long laundry list here even more so after the big fat NO but it is too long to add here), a condo (a bit of list here too>, and to write for a living. I will continue to work on the writing bit but I am revamping my prayers to include the Wisdom with God's Presence. I have learned a ton from that great guy who cut and run and left me without a clue. There is much Wisdom here and I could not have learned it or make use of it without God. I don't want to loose this. I am afraid too that I won't be bold as a lion when it comes time for me to really put all this guy learning to the test. I don't want to get stuck on being guyless or husbandless, even friendless. I want to be full and abundant as God intended me to live. So as I go forth with my eyes on what yeses I have, I want God here in it all. I want to learn all I can and be content with this life He has given me.

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
~James 1:2-8

I know I can bring my needs to God and I believe we can bring our wants too. But I fail at praying for wisdom. What I have missed here is that even though it is hard to relinquish the No's, it should not be that hard to ask for Wisdom and believe that God will bring the knowledge and open my heart to understand. I am very thirsty for learning and especially the God kind. What I know for sure is that guys can come and go and pretty much be a panty-waste when it comes to me, but God has come through in a huge way. He isn't afraid and He keeps me. I am pretty much a keeper in His eyes. He has a purpose for me. So what do I have to lose when I am learning and growing? God's Voice is not silent when He is in the Wisdom!!

Better rethink those times you think God is silent!!!

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways seek Him and He shall direct your paths. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

Rejoice in the Lord and have no confidence in the flesh. ~Phil 3:3

God's Glory ...

According to Ravi the definition of God's Glory is His Presence and His Voice. No Glory. No Voice. Read Zachariah.

Ravi was using King Saul and King David and their reliance on spiritual leaders to guide them in their ruling. Then Ravi used King Solomon and his total lack of using any spiritual leaders. Solomon choose wisdom but without the use of God. He began to rely on this wisdom he had with no use to protect the high places nor himself.

Ravi went on to say that it isn't the political leaders that we should worry about but the spiritual leaders that guide the nation. Yes, I come from a country founded by very Godly men who designed this country to rely on God. No, we are not Israel nor can we claim the equal standing as Israel. Yes, God has turned away from Israel and has turned to the Christain. No, there are no borders but rather it is a kingdom that has citizens living as aliens in all the countries of the world. Yes, God's Presence is with the Christian. My biggest fear is that America will totally turn from God and all the blessings that belong to a nation whose God is the Lord will cease. I hold up the fact there are still many Christians that hold to the faith and will keep this nation afloat. I do have a better sense that is the spiritual leaders that must stay focused on God and I will pray hard for this. I will not just leave it to the spiritual leaders but be the one who dives more fully into God's Word and practice it.

Much to do!

pity sakes ....

I heard some one's definition of friendship as loyalty and honesty so I thought I would chew the cud on this thought.

What is loyalty? Doesn't loyalty have a dash of tenacity in the mix? I feel that loyalty has to have a stick-with-you-through-thick-and-thin. I guess I should have listened to my gut when I doubted his ability to share the good and the bad with me or even be there for my own good and bad.

What is honesty? Shouldn't it be the safe harbor to share your fears even the ones that might affect the relationship? I didn't share aloud my fear of his cut and run. Now I have suffered the loss. I should have spoke up. Then maybe he would have to shoulder some of my pain.

Then again if friendship is about loyalty and honesty then I have to call it as it should be - he wasn't a friend because he wasn't loyal nor honest. Whew, that is hard to say! I don't want to but it is about being realistic. grrrrrr.....

power of a smile

It is totally amazing what a smile and a greeting with your name attached from a good looking guy can do to you! Now this guy had to have remembered my name from school or had to go to the yearbook like I did to remember my name because I didn't give it to him. In fact I only knew of him because I recognized him only when I went back to the yearbook instead of knowing him from memory. Anyways, the brain was in total happy mode.

So the good thing about smiles is that it does have real power. It changes others when you spread it around. I like that and I have decided that I need to spread my mischievous smile around and really freak others out. I think I have two smiles, the sad smile and the warm smile. I do have a thinking face that makes people think I am mad and I have to clarify. Argh! Then I a very mean eagle eye that tear into the very soul with steal like force. So the mischievous smile is needed to counter the aloofness that I portray even though I am very much a lightweight fraidy-cat. It will need some practice because I need to think at the same time; however, it is a known fact that I can't do two things at once!

So the bad thing about a good looking guy flashing a really nice smile is that he has been doing this for some time now. Good looking smiles put spells on girls and they go weak in the daydreams. Not good. Must stop. I've been saying 'focus' a lot to myself. Finally, today the flashbacks and the ahhs have subsided. Wonder if a mischievous smile on my part back to this good looking guy would fluster up his day instead of mine!!!

{an extremely mischievous smile}

relinquish the no's - eyes on yes ...

Ahhh, King David, my favorite Bible character... You know that God told David 'NO' on his desire to build God a home. David did not throw a fit and become a bitter old man. He did get excited that his son Solomon would be the one chosen.

So the key points to remember and to live out:
1. relinquish the NO's
2. put gratitude on God's Allowances - eyes on the yeses!!
from Steven Davies, radio speaker

My soul was pricked. Some no's seem easy to let go and there are others that just sooooo painful to let slip through your fingers. I am so thankful that it just doesn't stop with relinquishing but the best step forward is that focusing on the yes. It just isn't that he vanished but rather that I got to know someone, love, and even feel that I wasn't a misfit because there was someone else was like me too. {sighs}

I had a weekend where I was thinking about the past. God has a way of having the last word even when I had decided not to speak to Him about my racing mind. I knew what He wanted me to do but I that other part of me wanted to wallow. Why? I haven't a clue. Oops, hear the voice from the back? She is saying that she doesn't understand, hopes he comes back, and quite possibly is that she is selfish.

Self control is hard work but training the mind to think on God's yeses has got to change and whip that selfish beast into submission!!!

life God-lived ...

Trouble, trouble, toil, and trouble... I can see the witches stirring their brew in Shakespeare's Macbeth. My soul feels the trouble, trouble, toil, and trouble in the world today as hurricanes, earthquakes, fires, drought, flood, and tornadoes tear up and eat away the fleshy part of earth. It is not just the wrath of nature but the human demise as well. Just look at the character miming of those in office or seeking the office. Just look at the way of a country founded on the Bible and on God that has taken prayer out of the public and is rather loose with taking His name in vain.

I was just lamenting with my Mom the other day over the nature, gas prices, food prices, genetically altered food, and the fate of our country. I keep going back to the Abraham and his request to save Sodom and Gomorrah. Is there enough of us Christians to save the country and the world?

Anyways today Ravi talked about Daniel and how he choose to eat God's way instead of the foods offered to the idols. Daniel choose to live differently in the land that captured him. He made a difference and changed 3 kings lives. That in time when the world seems like it is winning and you are captured with in this mess, you must stay true to God and His Word. "You cannot argue against a life well lived.'' This was Ravi's closing line and it caught me. Of course, me and my word fetish, I had to change but I shall let this echo with in and make sure that I hold my head up and live as purely and beautifully as I can. I have a certain someone who has been attacked repeatedly while serving his country and I think I need to send encouragement. He has not fallen into public depression and he has not faltered. He loves God and it shows.

You cannot argue against a life God-lived