singing ...

She will enter Zion with singing;

Everlasting JöY will crown her head.

Gladness and JöY will overtake her;

sorrow and sighing will flee away.

Arise!  Shine!

her Light has come.

The Glory of the Lord rises upon her.

She looks and is radiant,

her heart throbs and swells with JöY!

Isaiah 35:10 ; Isaiah 60

his presence - my present ...

Do you know what makes me happy?  His presence.   He lives on the other side of the world but his presence is in his emails or in the his voice on the telephone or in a letter.  It is like he walks into a room full of people and I am there a wallflower of course.  He searches for me until our eyes lock and dance as we find home.  It is like a song that lifts me up and makes me walk a little taller with my feet walking on air.  It is like a hot coal that warms the recesses of my heart making my cheeks warm and revs up my thoughts.  It is like a breeze that ever so lightly touches the skin, like his hand that wipes away a fleeting tear and lifts my chin.  His presence makes me happy. {happy sigh} Just a little happy that I am thankful for.

taking a wife ...

Cancer took another wife today.  Yes, women are like a fine china teacup and men are sturdy ruff and tuff  fill a man's hand coffee mug but when it comes to death taking a spouse I always thought a woman could handle it better.  No, they don't want too but to be male and to be the left behind seems so painfully fragile.

"A wife of noble character who can find/
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value,
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
Charm is deceptive,
and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
Proverbs 31:10, 11, 12, 25, 30

"A wise woman builds her house"
"those who plan good find love & faithfulness."
Proverbs 14:1, 22

better single or together ...

So it seems there are some girls who find they are a better person single than in a relationship. They can be successful and travel and be the life of the party without being tied down. Or maybe they can be the strong independent woman without their 'these boots are made for walking' leaving tread marks over the man's ego.

Then it seems there are some girls who find they are a better person in a relationship than alone. It is like they can come to full bloom because he is her stem. She feels more beautiful... more woman... God made her a nurturer and being a wife allows her to do so.

man plans ...

''So do you think what we have has a future?'' he asks. Wanting to drop the bomb and leave without a proper answer, he tried to end the conversation quickly.

''Wait a minute buddy. I know exactly what I feel about this relationship. I believe in you and I believe in us. I have made my vows know to God about keeping this friendship in the eternal mode. I know my side very well but in any 'ship' there is another side - your side. You have kept silent about your plans for this. You lead this. What do you want? What are your plans?'' ....

Oh how a few years away from this actual questions gives you lessons you wish you had when the it happened. I just learned that every man has a plan. They are possessors & protectors. They have a plan. They just don't come up to you for no good reason.

Two disclaimers:
If the plan is not voiced, the girl should never think up plans for the two of them. Never Never. A big no no. The girl has a life and she should be getting on with her own life. A girl knows what she wants and if the girl don't she better get to knowing because this girl will grow up to become a frustrated stressed out woman wondering where her life went.

If the plan is voiced, the girl has a right to veto or go for the guy. Remember a good girl knows what she wants. He might not be into you but to our defence a girl just might not want the boy or his 'plans'. {smiles}

hormones ...

I wonder what makes an imbalance of hormones in a woman when she begins her transition from child bearing and rearing to a woman of stature and sage. Is it the years of not taking care of your needs or is it the lack of proper eating and exercise? Is it working some job because it brings home the 'mula' but depletes the soul or is it the sour atmosphere that you keep or tolerate at work or at home? Is it plain and simply s-t-r-e-s-s? We all know what stress does to us so that is why I have been thinking this out..

I wonder if keeping my mind stayed upon Christ the Solid Rock and staying in the Word will keep my hormone levels balanced and keep stress at bay. I will be making this transition soon and have heard the horror stories and have question my own mother. I have become more and more anti-drugs for most things. For example, taking an aspirin for my food HA's only covers up the pain; it does not protect or prevent the blood cells from dying. I am not naive for there is a time for medication and a time for no medication and kicking the stress habit our lifestyle has created as a monster has got to be the key.

I have noticed some stress beaters for myself and the biggest stress reliever is my relationship with God. It has been a long time coming and I have a long way to go. I am a big time feeler and I will always feel but to rightly put them in God's hands by going the Word and laying hold of God's promises. I have got the praying without ceasing down as I rattle about alone at home but often before going to bed, I would cry as I battle out my frustrations. I hated it and myself. The last couple of years I have found solace in God's Word and now it has become an obsession to pray the Word. I don't cry over the frustrations before bed anymore. I am repeating the fear not messages.

This year's theme is allowing myself to be Romanced by God and to find my true beauty. Already I have come to terms with a certain desertion in my life. I have been getting over it only to find myself not over it. I think it is a growing experience and can't be learned at the drop of a heart. Hearts shatter and it takes time for them to heal because there are so many angles and edges to bring back together. God has been so very patient with me and has been very Masterful at gently healing my heart. I have soooooo many learnings that even through a fleshy experience God has worked it for my good and betterment. At this point in time I feel a satisfied heart beating in my chest because I am letting God romance me. I am so tired of being alone and learning everything I can about being a couple that I am finally going to embrace this single life. It was a dual life that began to eat me alive. God has said to choose life and I am making a life decision to choose a JOYFUL life.

So by embracing my relationship with God and embracing my single JOYFUL life, stress is on the run. So I wonder if by keeping a balanced and whole life, will it keep my hormones in balanced and I can enjoy the transition...? I kinda think so...

Fear NOT little one! Fearlessly walk with Me. I will keep you! Always your Heavenly Father and Keeper

one woman ...

He who loves one woman
has loved them all.
He who has loved many women
has loved none.

Interesting! I heard this quote and had to write it down. It does seem that some men (I won't say all {smiles} ) think they need more than one woman. I can't crawl inside their thinking nor do I want to but what is up with them trying? What is up with their excuses?

Being a woman looking at this what is it that is purely nugget worth? I think it is the loved none part. It is not love that they say they are giving and every thing they do pivots on this. It rings up uneven. It has been weighed and measured and it comes up wanting.

This one woman doesn't seek to be empty; she rather be full. This one woman doesn't want unrest; she rather be at peace. This one woman doesn't yearn for average; she rather have intense and deep - exceptional. This one woman doesn't hanker for like, hate, or evil; she rather have love - pure and beautiful. Give this one woman one man totally into her and wrapped in love...

girds herself with strength ...

She went to bed in tears. Abandonment bit at her heels again as her thoughts grazed over the little cry of Tink when he saw his so-called master leave. The morning left her in a funk of weakness. The weakness that comes in a cyclical fashion and without warning. Feeling desperate for some strength, she decided to go to Proverbs 31. No, she isn't afraid!

Her eyes rest on verses 17 & 18 and her heart found the strength to continue. 'She girds herself with strength.' Girding about her core is the passions and dreams that fuels her joy like writing, painting, cross stitching, looming, and anything creative or that aids her in organizing. By digging into these delights, she 'strengthens her arms' to battle the ever creeping weakness.

She fills her home time with little projects that become gifts for dear ones or beautify and cleans up her space. Shouldn't her home time be filled up wisely with her strengths? 'She perceives that her merchandise is good, and her lamp does not go out by night.' She doesn't let the dark creep in and steal her joy. She doesn't zone out to the grey spaces that can put its talons in deep. The light is strong and steady. Her work bears up her spirit and her walk is soft and gentle.

Those that walk in the shadows of the night look up to her window shedding a soft glow and know this is a safe harbor...

power of a smile

It is totally amazing what a smile and a greeting with your name attached from a good looking guy can do to you! Now this guy had to have remembered my name from school or had to go to the yearbook like I did to remember my name because I didn't give it to him. In fact I only knew of him because I recognized him only when I went back to the yearbook instead of knowing him from memory. Anyways, the brain was in total happy mode.

So the good thing about smiles is that it does have real power. It changes others when you spread it around. I like that and I have decided that I need to spread my mischievous smile around and really freak others out. I think I have two smiles, the sad smile and the warm smile. I do have a thinking face that makes people think I am mad and I have to clarify. Argh! Then I a very mean eagle eye that tear into the very soul with steal like force. So the mischievous smile is needed to counter the aloofness that I portray even though I am very much a lightweight fraidy-cat. It will need some practice because I need to think at the same time; however, it is a known fact that I can't do two things at once!

So the bad thing about a good looking guy flashing a really nice smile is that he has been doing this for some time now. Good looking smiles put spells on girls and they go weak in the daydreams. Not good. Must stop. I've been saying 'focus' a lot to myself. Finally, today the flashbacks and the ahhs have subsided. Wonder if a mischievous smile on my part back to this good looking guy would fluster up his day instead of mine!!!

{an extremely mischievous smile}

what woman want ...

A thought popped into to my head the other day and it goes like this ...

If I am wanting within a relationship with a man, he ain't the one!

... whew & wow! Pretty big thought for little ol' me! Then I started to list my wants and began to realize to fight back the 'he's just not into you' and all those guys who give off mix messages with my own 'he's just not want I want'. Two can play the game.

my want list
I want :
1. to be choosen/pursued by him
2. to follow his leadership.
3. to be filled by him & to receive from him.
4. to be his beauty and know his eyes light up when I walk in the room.
5. to be rescued by him.
6. to be protected by him & know I am safe.
7. to be kept by him.
8. to hear endearments & I love you's from him.
9. to be of value to him.
10. to be needed by him.

I feel these are basic needs all women need within the agreement of marriage. And if I find that I cannot function safely within these bonds, then he ain't the one! I WILL NOT accept motley and muddled inbred messages from boys who claim they arn't into you half the time and the other half of the time want you to pant after them. I am making boys sound bad but I have had grown men, a few who were suppose to be believers and even one I really looked up to mess around without regard to my heart and I am sick of it.

Truth be told I am sick of myself who broods over all the mixed messages trying to knit together something thick enough to keep me warm. Oh, to be safe .... NOT GOING THERE! Bye! I got to go read Psalms 18! The True Knight in Shining Armor on a white horse to boot....

The Model Wife

by Oswald J Smith

She was like a clinging vine,
He was bold and brave;
She was happy in his love
For herself she gave.

She was not a suffragette,
Self-sufficient? No!
She had found him all her world
For she loved him so.

Never empty were his arms,
She was always there;
When he needed her the most
He was then her care.

All she had she freely gave
For she was his own;
Love had come and made them one,
They were not alone.

She completely filled his world
For she was his wife;
No one else could steal his love,
She became his life.

Other pleasures had she none,
He was more than all;
Nothing ever interfered,
She was at his call.

When children came, her love
Still remained the same;
They could never take his place
Though they bore his name.

He was with her night and day
For he held her dear;
She was never satisfied
Unless he was near.

He was gentle, kind, and true,
She had won his heart;
Never had she cause to fear
For she did her part.

Arguments she did not use
Stronger where her charms;
He could never disagree
Lying in her arms.

What a welcome she bestowed
When he'd been away!
Tender were the words she spoke,
Nothing to dismay.

Such a marriage could not fail,
God had shown her how;
Without her he could not live,
She had kept her vow.

Down the path of life they'll go,
Walking hand in hand;
Guided by a Father's love
To the better land.

Eugene, 1952

Hmmmm, lately I've been thinking of how to be if a marriage went all quiet and distant. How would I respond? Would I become desprate and depressed? Would the self-growth I have now become withered and dried up? Would all my dreams of a great marriage and a great love vanish? Or could there still be a way for me to florish because God is MY First Love, MY Husbandman, and MY Great Lover of my soul? Could I be a great partner and lover?

I know I could never knowing enter into a partnership with a distant man, but if the marriage got onto this path, I would be sad but I feel with God-Alone He could guide to be the best lover possible yet remain intact and ever-growing in Him. I must always remind myself that I am not defined by other's bad moods or even their good ones. I am defined by my seeking and response to God's love. Am I falling deeper in love with God? That is where it all wrapped up...

mud slogging ...

The bad feelings come from some internal trigger. There is no control and it comes right on schedule - a stretch of good mood days followed by a stretch of bad mood days. It comes on especially hard when things don’t go smoothly land in the stretch of sad feelings like the vehicle that seems to drain you of funds. The middle to mundane becomes unbelievable monsters. You feel crushed and attacked. It is like your energy field is hyper sensitive to all around you and there is no way to desensitize. If you have ever been around an autistic person and watched how sensitive they are to their surroundings yet seem so far away verbally, you can begin to picture how these sad emotions take root in a woman’s soul and her struggle to stay on top. You know those feelings where you need to explode but you hold it inside because you want to be a good girl.

Women are God-Created as beautiful creatures so He knows how His girls struggle with these not so beautiful feelings. No matter how I try to focus on the good, I feel like I am walking up a mountain in mud up to my knees. I am trying to surround these days with music and beautiful pictures. I hum a soothing hymn. I shout out His Attributes. I declare Victory. But I got to figure out if I can incorporate some good clean stress relieving humor into the mix. I need laughter and that is the hardest to accomplish. Oh, and more sleep too! Yesterday and two preceding days were bad, today is better. Opps, no the day got worse after I wrote these words. I am doing a bit of an edit now that I came back to my words. I will keep trying! I want to work with it and not against it. This will only happen for a little while more. Then I am told the mood stays good! Hurray for that!

Mom can't remember what it was like and her advise is 'and this too shall pass'. Ok, not the words I want to hear! May I will love thoses words someday just not now!! Just give me my blankie and my teddy bear. Hibernation sounds good for the soul ... no, claw marks left on others...


Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Refrain:
I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

Words: Ci vil la D. Mar tin, 1905.
Music: Charles H. Gabriel

she's out ...

Enough! Steel has filled in behind her warm brown eyes. A reckless resolve has broken the wasted completely from her ideal wish. No more will the hunger of value and attention gnaw at her gut. She will never give up on her relentless pursuit of engaging others and becoming more full bloom. However, since no one will step up on the return, she will be all she ever wanted in companionship...

I > with in the thick

gathering in Christmas ...

I was cruising through my favorite store and my heart moans happily as Christmas is stealing in the aisles. Glitz, glimmer, and shine come in pretty packages that tempt me with gathering...

My girlish heart at this time of year yearns to gather in loved ones around the hearth of home. While the weather promises a heap of snowflakes, I have dreams of smiling faces and warmth of love everywhere.

The notecards and gift bags with tall skinny man and woman in holiday fun of snowmen, packages, and wreaths just touched my holiday making spirit. Oh to really fill that one spot always left empty at the holidays has been and will always be my dreamwish ...

her label reads the following...

Warning: Do not shake her unless you are ready
for the vivacious overflow of her passion!
This vintage bottle is a deep soul, quiet and smooth. From her innermost flavors you will get a blast of tenacity, stuborness, creativity, and thinker tempered with a long journey through melancholy and into Joy. She is a complex taste ... one that only gets better with age...

It will take a strong man to pop the top and fully understand her intensity and value. It is what she will bring out in him and his dreams. He knows with her that she will not peak but always become richer and deeper. This is not a wine that will tolerate being watered down. The strong man will never hide this bottle away but keep it in a place of value ....

Maggie unwanted...

Let me tell you about Maggie. She is one of God's special creatures that often describes in furry pup love the meaning of unconditional.

Maggie comes from my favorite breed, the toy fox or rat terrier. This line of terrier is extremely smart, animated, and loyal. Their coats or washable pjs are usually white with spots of black or brown. Sometimes you can find coats of black with dapple white tummys with white socks and white tips to their skinny tales. Maggie was a mid-size fox terrier with a coat of white and big paws. She was beautiful and very friendly.

Maggie was an unwanted dog. She was tossed out in the rural country side at a farm house. Now to make it she would have to make a human fall in love with her. Someone who had a home where she would be a welcomed house member to the warmth of hearth and home for not just those wintry nights but for sunny days too.

The farmer's wife did enjoy Maggie's friendly companionship, but she was looking for someone else to take Maggie. I would have loved to taken Maggie but not being allowed to have a dog, I passed the info to my bro who was looking to take in a pup.

I had a heighten urgency to get Maggie a home. Maggie being female was bleeding and was not allowed to be in the farmer's house at night. I know this breed very well. Bobby and Andy are my furrry bundles of joy. They need to be inside dogs because they are short haired and shake a lot. They also need security of a fence or a human presence to care and watch out for those cars.

When I took my brother and his wife to see Maggie, she came bounding out towards us and was super friendly. Her chocolate brown eyes were sooo full of love and she just could not get enough pets. I had fallen in love. My brother wasn't ready to take her and had asked the farmer's wife if she would care for Maggie another week.I did not want to wait. Maggie needed a home she could stay inside at night.

Maggie knew what her job was. She was here to love her human companion unconditionally. Right next to her master was her place to sleep. Walking together to maintain a healthy body and mind. Animated facial expressions that would crumble any human into a huge hug. Sure she would enjoy cookies and full body massages, but her job was to ease her human's heavy burdens.

Maggie didn't get to have a chance to enjoy these creature comforts. While wedding plans of couples uniting where every one's focus, Maggie lost her life to a speeding car that left her to die along side the road a year ago October on a crisp Sunday morning.

Who will mourn for this precious gift called Maggie?

I did not understand why Maggie came and left so quickly. My gut was saying to get a home for her quick but I couldn't get others to move fast enough. My heart broke. I felt alone in my tears.

A whole year has gone by and I am not one step closer to understanding God's purpose for Maggie except today I feel like her.

What if Maggie was a human? What if her job was to nourish and give life? What if all she needed was another human to share her gifts with? What if she was sent here for you to feel a your load lightened? What if she was a very cheery and made you feel good? Would you allow her into your world? Or would the stuff of life like other unions be more important than a simple connection?

Who will take Maggie in and let her gift unfold?

a little fire ... a little quiet....

She is this wierd mix of fire and quiet. There were the years where she was banished to her bicycle and her books for companionship. She felt a kinship to Anne of Green Gables. Anne loved her books and her imagination. She drank up Anne's dramatic antics feeling those feelings inside but never able to live it.

There were the years where she just tried to survive as a wallflower. She didn't want other teenagers to look at her and see the clothes that did not fit. When her parents went to parent teacher conferences, the teachers could not remember their daughter. "Oh, she must not be a problem then," was the comment her parents brought home. Not great news when even her teachers couldn't remember her. Oh, if she had the nerve, she should have introduced herself to the teacher! No, she was quiet because she was taught respect.

There were the years she studies up the on self. Wondering why she was such a wierd person that no one really saw the depth of her heart. Amazing that she did not pick up some habit to fill this void. She probably could credit the fire that is always brewing inside keeping her breathing and alive.

There were the years where she finds her ears ringing when she goes home after a family gathering. Everyone chattering on about news of everyday happenings, yet no one heard a peep from her. Some extended family members would make a remark about her futher excluding her. Oh, if she had the nerve, she might just have twisted the comment back to hurt them. No, she was quiet she was taught to honor her elders.

There were the years where she is trying to find her place as a woman. Is she beautiful enough? Will someone ever love her fire? Will someone ever acknowledge her passions and dreams? Will she be enough to love? Will someone ever see how amazing smart she is and not run from it? Will anyone know she how hard she loves? Will she succeed in her dream being heard?

Through out all the years she just wanted enough attention but she was given disregard. She has struggled with knowing how to live this wild mix of fire and quiet. She still has the fire and she has learned the worth of her quiet nature. Yet, she still struggles....

I am Sam

I have watched all three movies of the Lord of the Rings this past May. I have such a kinship with Sam. I know acutely know how he feels. I know what it is like to be made harmony and I know what it takes to work along side the melody. I know what feels like to be tossed out. I am a Sam.

My favorite parts of Sam was at the end of movie two where he made his speech of not leaving Froto. And in movie three Sam proves his metal by saying, ‘’ I may not be able to take your burden, but I can sure carry you.’’ My insides screamed as my tears flowed at the impact of his actions.

Sam never left Froto's side no matter how many times Froto told him to get. What do you do when someone tell's you to leave and treats you with no value? Do you stick by? Persistent and enduring love is a drop contining wearing down the other's resistance. Always proving
unconditionally that you love and value that person.

Do you hear what I am saying? ‘’ I may not be able to take your burden, but I can sure carry you.’’