gift of mercy ...

Yikes, another believer from my childhood is nearing this life's finishing line with the same kind of cancer that Cathy died of ... pancreatic cancer. This cancer is a beast. This believer is a grandma with kids my age. Her husband is a big man but this is too much for him. His lower lip and belly quiver with grief. He does not want to let go. My heart goes out to them.

God is trying to teach something as I am trying to grasp it. I went up to see Cathy in a spur of the moment and wasn't sure what to expect. I felt awkward because Cathy was a very tired and drugged up coming back from surgery but I did come away with a better since of how to pray for the family. Praying is something I can do when all else fails me. Then I heard Chuck Swindoll talk a little about the gift of mercy and then in my Bible reading I went through Job.

What grabbed my ears when Swindoll talked about the gift of mercy was that it is displayed in someone when they are quiet and with out words at a sick bedside or a death bed. Now some people have that gift naturally but I think all believers should practice this gift. What I have going for me is that I am naturally quiet and even if I have words, I don't say them because I am very shy. What I don't have going for me is that I feel awkward and feel like a heal for not being able to put others at ease. It doesn't mean my mind is blank. It is going a mile a minute especially leading up to the moment. So maybe God is teaching me how to use my quiet for mercy...

I remember a conversation with a dear one about Job. We agreed that Job was difficult. I left it that the best part was where God is speaking at the end. That was then and this is now. So what is the purpose of Job? Job is a good read when you are sick or dying because he goes into great detail about how his body looks and how horrible he feels. You are not alone. Someone else knows just how you feel physically and even asks what you want to ask emotionally. Job is a good read if you are a friend because you know what NOT to say! Just keep your mouth shut! Job is a good read if you are a spouse and you are experiencing the second hand stress of how your spouse is hurting and you don't know what to do. Be the support and don't tell them to curse God and die. Job is not a book that stands alone. There are other passages that help us in our pain. We are richer for what Job went through but I still have questions .... which is good because my learning isn't done.

Job's misery was not due to sin. Job didn't cause his loss of family or health. You could say it was satan's doing but the real truth is that God allowed this because He knew Job and knew Job would come through this without cursing Him. So why was Job wrong? Job got a real lecture from God in the end. Yes, some of it went to his friends but God really got in Job's face. Wasn't Job just asking why (I know asking why is a huge no-no) and want to hear God? Job was simply tired of hearing silence from the God he worshipped and loved. Aren't we to make our requests to God? Doesn't David ask God in his psalms? I may still struggle with this I still hold to NOT asking why and to always sing above the storm. Praise is beautiful and God inhabits the Praise of His people. I am must trust and obey for there is no other way ...

So back to mercy... there will always be questions .... but it is a waste of time to keep harping on them. It is much better to be still, talk back God's Word for our hearts, and to sing above the storm. The battle is the Lord's. All we have to do is run our race and at the end God's Loving Arms will greet us and hold us up......

lost ....

When I woke up yesterday I wondered what I would feel being it was September 11th. With feet on the floor to begin a new day, I wasn't feeling much but as the day wore on and I let my mind travel back through the memories. What really made me weepy was the relationship lost. I remember clearly that day was a day you wanted to make sure all the loves in your life was accounted for and you went down the list checking off their ok. One particular relationship I had to wait a while because he was reachable. He did check in but his habit of checking out littered our relationship until today he has checked out for good.

I am not one who goes into a relationship for a reason or a season. I view all my relationships as lifetimes or at least I try. As a believer, I think we really should understand that we touch other's life for a lifetime. We will see the 'brotherhood' in heaven. I doubt very much this comes to mind but it should! That is why I still pray for this 'brother'. I shall see him one day. I don't know what that day will hold. I had wished for arms outstretched and big hugs around but I just might think of the missed riches we both could have had. Or maybe just seeing the power of my feeble prayers working out a strong faith in him will wipe away all wistful tears.

So yeah, yesterday was full of prayers and tears for a personal lost on a day of national lost. Through it all I 'talked back' that I am not alone and that my Foundation is Sure. I am loved and sung over. I am not alone! And it is a lifetime endurance run. Don't forget to keep the eyes on the Eternal....

unfriendly world ...

I never have found the world a friendly place. So when it was said to take the world as friendly, my history prevents it. I understand the no exceptions because often I feel on the outskirts and being friendly with no exceptions speak of harboring love just like God has asked His children to do.

So what is it about my history that makes me timid and protective? I have always felt like an oddity. I couldn't make friends as a child so I found solace in my bike and my books. I have always hoped to find the world friendly and reading 'Anne of Green Gables' fed my hopes that oddities could have companionship. As friends came, they seem to go. Some I understand and but most I don't.

After many reflections on relationship interactions and failures, I find that maybe I am really messed up - like I need to change everything about me. I think as I hit my middle years, I have developed many layers of protection - actually I just don't deal. I am a shy little girl and have not found a safe place to exhale without quaking inside or without being forced to implode all over myself or without splattering over others. It is like playing my favorite childhood of concentration where you match up pairs but this pair has no match. I am not talking male match rather just that inner core matches. They say those are hard to come by but is it true that some people have no matches? How can this be true? God has designed the whole world on relationships...

I tried to change shy and in my twenties realized that I cannot change my personality. Yet as the years go by the more this shy has taken root within my inner being. From being born timid with a strong dose of stubborn to being buck tooth beaver to being a wall flower at high school (or so I thought) to making some small steps in college to living on my own to 36 food allergies to well on my way to being an old maid - isolation seems like it is closing in even though I have tried to reach out. Every time my hand gets slapped, the more I keep my hands and every other part of me tucked in so not to encourage more battering on my sensitive heart.

There are good things about personalities so aren't you suppose to accentuate the good bits? I keep trying but here I am at my wits end to dealing with silent walls and this quaking aching heart of mine. I am soooo tired. Tired of wailing with fists clinched at God when I should just shut up and go to bed ... Tired of failing God .. Tired of wondering how the dots will connect ... Tired of trying fix myself ... Tired of dead ends... yet as tired as I say I am, I keep renewing my mind and heart with God's Word. It is NOT about me being tired but rather if I am open enough for God to keep working His Mysterious Ways within me. It is NOT about me fixing myself but about God being able to mold me His Way. God never tires or gets weary about my failings. He is ever Constant and His Love never fails me...

Here is to a shy girl taking on a 'friendly' world...
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