investment vs. ball and chain...

No, I am not talking marriage here!  Marriage should never be associated with such confinement but rather should be home, a safe place.  Talking about a home and I hate to admit it but buying a home is a ball and chain.  I just don't see it any other way.

I didn't always feel like that.  My little girl dreams always had a home.  It just was a matter of fact.  That is what adults do.  They have a family and a family home.  They had a patch of land and of course, a picket fence.  Don't forget the pups.

Whoa!  My life hasn't ended up that way.  I have a single life and lifestyle.  I have just gotten to a place where I feel the money is just right.  I'm not scraping the barrel.  The groceries and the gas has gone up and yet I feel that for the most part that I can get by ok.  Yet with the rumors and the uneasiness out there, it is nice to have a cushion.  I feel like I have that.  Yes, I like to shop and my weekly shopping excursions are my only dependable social entertainment.  Of course, I not afraid to spend even though I do pretty well at pinching pennies.  I have this new feeling of being able to give money to God above and beyond my tithe.  I like this feeling a lot.  I don't want to go back.  I can't go back.

I am also feeling that Jesus is coming back soon.  Do I really need a house?  Why sock money into a house when that money could have a better use.  But then again, I don't know the time.  This world could have a few more spins around the dial even though there is a lot of shaking and rattling.  It just isn't the waters and earth giving way but governments, housing, gas, and the economies.  No body or country is immune.

I may be hitting the mid life crisis zone but I look young and feeeeeeeeeeeeel like a little girl.  Buying a house all by my lonesome is sooooooo out of my league!  I admit I am a shy one maybe not so much in my writing, but have a quiet personality and it suits me just right.  It is what makes me a goooood listener but when I have something to say aloud, I'm usually not heard or they put their own spin on what they think I am or on what I say.  I may be a first born and forge ahead on my own leaving the herds behind, but I have this strong wingman trait and it does NOT like to be a sole pilot in such huge endeavors.  Help!  This is way too much for me.

Like I said I am single and if I set down roots in brick and mortar then there are no more dreams of wings.  I have friends to the west and a couple of friends in other countries.  It would be cool to go see them if I could muster up strength in my wings.  I do admit that making a home out of a house is a dream too.  I love house magazines and blogs for color schemes, storage ideas, and layouts.  Having it become a reality is a bit scary.  I will have to make a go on my ideas and supposed talent.  I know I could never have a dream house, the house must it meet it in a general sense because this house will have to do until the end of my days.

Things have been getting a bit dicey  here in my apartment building.  Had a bad neighbor in December and things were getting bad.  I also deal with cigarette smoke getting into my home and I am allergic to it.  Then the apartment dweller below like to leave his bathroom fan on for weeks at a time and I can't stand unnecessary noise.  Besides being a crafter makes my little dwelling even smaller.  It would be nice to stretch out a bit.

My coworker who has been searching for house herself found me a house she thinks has my name all over it.  Argh!  So far she is right!  It is a condo with a garage.  It has a place for a library!!! Something I have dreamed about.  The basement is finished so it would take the place of having a cute upper floor.  I could see a craft room downstairs.  What topped it off because it was unexpected but right down my alley was the flag pole out front.

I need to get my brain and heart under the Great Shepherd's care.  The future can keep.  I must trade in the fear for trust and obedience.  God has proven Himself.  He has never forsaken me.  Not only has He been there in the little everyday things but He helped my parents with their house and He answered a big prayer of mine.  I cannot forget these answered prayers not only because they were huge but also because they are small and everyday.  He has been the Partner and the Pilot and I have been treating Him as such.  I bring things to Him.  I need to let Him drive this adventure and I just relax and go for the ride.  If I push or even if I pull (can't believe I just said pull but it is true - I can't pull back), I would usurp God's hold on my life.

Keep me safe, O God,

for in You I take refuge.

I said to the Lord,

"You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing."

~ Psalms 16: 1&2

Dear Heavenly Father,

I am going to share with my parents my feelings so that they know my fears but I will also show my Dad the link to that condo.  Most importantly You know my fears and dreams.  You know my personality and You know what I can handle.  This house might not even by mine.  You will be there in pain and in 

happiness.  Your Presence is fullness of JOY.  I must stay in Your Arms.  I am here for the ride.  I am putting in place Your Words to keep my mind stayed on You.  Thank You for keeping me.
always,
keeper

keep a secret ...

Sometimes I jot down what I feel is important to keep my focus on in who I am. Sometimes it stuff I have been working on over the years and other times it is new stuff to build up on the old. Here are the 10 things that keep me on my toes.

1. Smile like keeping a secret.

2. Bright eyes gladden the heart.

3. Cheery greetings.

4. Be still - listen.

5. Ask - do not tell.

6. Teach the problem not the answer.

7. Draw a picture.

8. Enjoy, Bless, Honor.

9. Talk back Truth - send Jesus to the door.

10. Walk tall because you are Loved, Protected, and Secure.

Sometimes I feel so very small and inadequate. So by writing these things down, I can drop the facade like an old heavy winter coat on a hot summer day. Oh, to be comfortable in my skin.....

Bezalel & Oholiab ...

"The the Lord said to Moses, 'See, I have chosen Bezalel son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, and I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, ability, and knowledge in all kinds of crafts, - to make artistic designs for work of gold, silver and bronze, to cut and set stones, to work in wood, and to engage in all kinds of craftsmanship. Moreover, I have appointed Oholiab son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan, to help him. Also I have given skill to all the craftsmen to make everything I have commanded you: the Tent of Meeting, the ark of the Testimony with the atonement cover on it, and all the other furnishings of the tent - the table and its articles, the pure god lampstand and all its accessories, the altar of incense, the alter of burnt offering and all its utensils, the basin with its stand - and also all the woven garments both the scared garments for Aaron the priest and the garments for his sons when they serve as priests, and the anointing oil and fragrant incense for the Holy Place. They are to make them just as I commanded you.' ~ Exodus 31:1-11 ( to read more here Ex 36:2-7)

Oh this passage makes me soooooo excited because being very crafty myself it brings me great Joy to have God put special importance on the crafts of the hands. What ability to be ordained to do that many mediums of crafts!!! - from wood, stone, weaving, and sewing ....etc.... I also find it precious to these names are obscure. It gives me hope and a smile as I go about crafting and giving that craft away.... I always knew that God gave us passions that the world needs and for us to give but to have this spelled out just makes me giddy....

depending on God vs depression ...

Hmmm, it seems I do have a very important choice. When the blues or grey clouds invade my mind like now, I can fall into despair & depression or I can depend on God. Yes, I know I need to renew the mind and I do but what a battle. I still walk in the dark for a while until the sun begins to appear. Yet at times, I feel I am just glossing over and it is just right under the surface only to rear up quicker.

I could try to figure out where the feelings are coming from but that is old hat. Food, loneliness, messed up plans .. I think all selfish motives if I am going to be really honest at the end of the day. I will keep going into training the brain and rereading God's Love Letter especially the tear stained ones about His Great Love for me. I will busy my hands at creating new things and give them away. I will train myself at reaching out ... instead of decompressing...

I could get my soapbox out but I am going to put it away. However, I will keep the soap out and suds away the dirty windows... I do have a lot of nice gifts in the form of family and pups. I have some neglected gifts that I need to bring out and put in the display like old friendships ... kinda scary because Mom says it is like tennis you have to put the ball in the other court so the other can volley... I do put that ball in the other court but I am always waiting for the return... Maybe I need a new picture to understand the game because I don't get it. Then I have some talent that I have no clue what I am suppose to do with it. I have an overflow of glass unwanted and maybe my amigurumi will begin to fall into the unwanted category as well. Ok, better turn the car around ... I also have some gifts like teaching and encouragement that I am not sure what to do with ...

Well, I better go get busy instead of mopping {{lopsided smile}}

Oh, I got fireworks tonight to enjoy! Must take my patriotic music to enjoy with!!! See, I do have great blessings in my life to count and delight in... offf I go to unwrap!

dream promise ...

Hebrews 11 is God's listing of the Ancients who lived their lives in FAITH. What really pulled on my heart was verse 13 and following but here I will just talk about verse 13.

''These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth.''

Did not the Ancients dream these promises given by God? You bet they did!!!! I am pitched over in wonder and in this frighting awe. Could I dream my dreams without them coming true? Please note that I am not saying my dreams born deep inside just begging to come out is the same as God-Given Promises to the Ancients. However, just thinking what I should do about my dreams ... Again seeking God is the perfect plan...

anatomy of strength ...

Strength is lightness in your step.
Strength is an insatiable need to learn more.
Strength is addictive.
Strength makes the twinkle in the eye.
Strength is time stopping or getting lost in the moment.
Strength is food most necessary for the heart to survive.
Strength is humble and in awe of the potential.
Strength is not of your own making but is from God's.
Strength is an uprising of unstoppable excitement.
Strength is highly desired in what you do.
Strength gets you out of bed and makes you ready for the day.
Strength is a challenge you want to achieve.
Strength is growing and stretching.
Strength is feeling alive.
Strength is arms open wide and a glowing face tipped back with a smile bursting.

Here I go again getting my 'believe in your dream' soapbox out and standing firmly up it. But after going in a tailspin over a job offer that I would have to break my will to do, I came to the midnight conclusion that this job offer needs to go to someone who really enjoys it. I have found a peace that it will be alright if it goes to someone else. However, I am not sure what I will make of it if the job offer is offered to me. I have prayed and I am still seeking God's Word in this matter. I most hated myself and my feelings yesterday. Today's outlook is bright. I do have a renewed energy to enjoy my jobless state. I felt very embarrassed when an old co-worker asked if I was enjoying my time off. Honestly I wasn't ... totally - just in parts. Now for enjoying all parts.

herbal dream seeds ...

This no green thumb girl is at it again. I have always wanted to grow herbs because they bring simple flavor to a simple dish of grub. I think it all started because Mom had chives out in the garden and it was my job to cut the blades for that nights supper whether it was for the potatoes or lettuce salad or Mom's favorite chicken salad. Chives has always been my favorite herb with its soft bite of onion or garlic pizazz.

Being an apartment dweller I have tried to be an indoor pot green thumb. Chives, lavender, lemon trees - I am sure there where other things that I have tried with tears of frustration and anger pooling in my eyes because they ended in failure. So have I learned my lesson that I am only successful at growing the Philodendron? Nope. The Philodendron is a plant that takes it when the water source is lacking but for my love of herbal side, it doesn't feed the flavor of food.

Being unemployed at the moment I thought it was time to try my thumbs at some herbs. Instead of doing them indoors or even outdoors here at the apartment, I will be doing them at my parent's place. It won't be as convenient as running down to sip herbs for the meal at hand but maybe being outside where animals won't pee on or where they won't be mowed down by fast lawn boys or ripped out by children. They might have a chance.

My three choices in this round of the green thumb dream is Garlic Chives, Oregano, and Cilantro. The pots where selected, the holes covered, the dirt filled in and watered, the seeds planted. Now for the wait. Oh, if I could stop the worry too. The Oregano seeds were sooooo tiny! But with every seed within lies a living hope, right?

As I tell this tale of my herbal journey, it really is about my dream journey too. I have soooo many dreams that I keep planting and nothing happens. I am sooo tired. I am sooooo frustrated. I wonder why God has made me so with these creative dreams and this drive where I am a bit of a loner. I hate following the crowd and question the followers true path.

I figured that God was working a new thing in my life with this job loss as He had with the last one. Maybe this time I would be able to follow my dreams. But I got a call last night from the work that permanently laid me off. It is not the Accounts Payable that I was in but for costing. Accounts Payable was a good place and much better than costing for me. Don't I have to take this job in order to get Unemployment Benefits? Here it goes again that the company has more power than I and there goes my dreams. It upsets me so that I feel this way. I was suppose to be more grow up in my faith. I am suppose to tackle this with JOY and I am failing.

I so wanted to try to write for a living where in my free time I would be creative. I have planted the dreams seeds out to see what would happen. I was hoping for little green to peek through the dirt. Some seeds died underneath the dirt and some popped up green leaves to only wither away. I know every crisis contains a gift but I haven't figured out what is beneath the painful wrappings. I am out of whack so I am trying to seek God's Word. Do I really trust and obey? I must. I must...

from Bedside Blessings - May 18 by Chuck Swindoll
'You don't have to promote yourself if you've got the stuff. If you're good, if you are to be used of God, they'll find you. God will promote you. I don't care what the world system says. I urge you to let God do the promoting! Let God do the exalting! In the meantime, sit quietly under His Hand. That's not popular counsel, I realize, but it sure works. Furthermore, you will never have to wonder in the future if it was you or the Lord who made things happen. And if He chooses to use you in a mighty way, really 'exalt' you, you won't have any reason to get conceited. He did it all!
A humble spirit will obtain honor.
Proverbs 29:23

I have a castle to keep, armor to put on, and hiding the Word of God in my heart so that all that I say and do is humble and gives glory to God. I must keep the flag of JOY, Living Hope, and Trust flying high and strong. I will see in due time the dots that seem erratic line up.

Fear NOT little girl. Do you trust Me?