Highlights of 2012

January :
• the bottom front teeth that have been hurting for the last month where the roots are showing through are all right. One doesn't need gums to keep the teeth grounded.
• Have stopped taking my Jeep Libreety to the big auto place and instead take to a local pop shop.
• After thinking there was no way I would own a home, I took a look and now I must make steps to see if it is truly mine. It has my name all over it.

February :
• Noel is moving! New choices. New changes for him. So much to talk about.
• I've been banging my head against the table over a mortgage loan.
• Buying a house!!!!

March:
• packing!!!!!
• 29th - house key in hand. Moving!!!
• 30th - dropped a frozen turkey on my left foot. Probably broke in two spots - big toe & between little toe & the one next to it.

April:
• cleaning carpets
• hobbling & in pain; foot swollen
• enjoying the wildlife - a black squirrel came up to the back step to say hi!

May:
• still hobbling & some pain
• enjoyed 4 baby raccoons in my back yard.
• painted my craftcave white & move in my crafty bits.

June :
• getting hot out there
• able to wear other shoes than those white slip one tennis shoes.
• painted toe nails purple to let my big toe fit in while wearing flip-flops.

July :
• over 100° for days. Drought setting in.
• Fourth of July week had a young doe come into my back yard at sun set. Wow!
• no fireworks - too dry
• painted my library to be in a dramatic Blue Cloud. The one wall is over eight feet tall and I did it all by myself. The foot wasn't happy with the tiny steps on the latter.
• while babysitting my littlest niece, I discovered swollen lymph nodes in the crease of left leg but I thought it was a hernia.

August :
• The slice and dice doc said the lymph nodes fight off germs and they can get infected and if doesn't get better, they take it out. He turned down the notion that it was quite possible that because my foot was broken and swollen for over two months that the lymph nodes got tired and took one for the team…

September :
• painted my master bedroom in a very dusty purple. It is my jewel box!!!!!
• The verdict is in - some lymph nodes need to come out sooner than later. Will test to make sure it isn't cancer. Very sure that it isn't.
• REALLY? Talk about freaking out!

October :
• 1st - day surgery.
• I've learn to pray that if I must go through this fire, I want my eyes wide open to see God's Presence. He answered according to my personality. I wasn't keen on bearing all but God was there with warm covers! I woke with 'thank You' on my lips and in the single tear that escaped.
• my sister in law is dealing with her health journey & with her mother's.

November :
• began grieving after realizing that my beloved Andy's days were numbered. Tried to catch as much time with him as possible and with photos.
• struggling with letting him go - will I get to see him again.
•. Spent my last Thanksgiving with Andy and he enjoyed his turkey and sitting with me.

December :
• 15th - Andy passed 6 days too late or so I had thought.
• 17th - shared my faith with a fearful coworker over Sandy Hook and my personal lost of my beloved Andy. Again I prayed that my eyes would see Jesus and He showed me that He wasn't late but right on time.
• 20th - NS sister is dying of brain cancer and needs Jesus
• there is no rest during the holiday season because of work.

fav quotes of 2012 …

• "Don't demand to understand when you don't understand."
~ Pastor Adrian Rogers on waiting on God

• "Don't doubt in the dark on what God has shown you in the light."
~ Pastor Adrian Rogers on not giving up on a God-Given dream / Joseph

• "All encouragement comes from God. "

• "Opportunities multiply when they are seized."

• "Attitude determines altitude. "

• "God is most glorified when I am most satisfied with Him."

• "God is NOT the reflection of your earthly father. He's the PERFECTION of your earthly father.". ~ Louie Giglio

• "The closer you are to the Shepherd the further away you are from the wolf."

• "Growth is intentional."

• "God's Glory is my award."

• "You can't see plants grow but you can't have life without growth."

• "...looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen."
~ Max Lucado

• "It is about focusing on the fight not the fright.". ~ Robin Roberts

•. "Take the next step."
~ Elizabeth Elliot on God's Will

• "too blessed to be stressed"
~ "practice His presence"
~ "count your blessings, cast your burdens" ~ Michelle Bowmen

• "We are at our best when we are shipwrecked on the island of God's Sovereignty." ~ Spurgeon

• "God hasn't promised safe passage but has promised safe landing."
~ Pastor Adrain Rogers

• "You are as young as your faith and as old as your doubt."

• "If you make a choice, God will make the change." from the story Treasures in the Dark.

• "Isn't Sacrifice about burn up?"
~ Elizabeth Elliott

• “The Lord's mercy often rides to the door of our heart upon the black horse of affliction.” ―Charles Spurgeon

• "FAITH is the refusal to panic."

• "Worry is a mild form of atheism."
~ Pastor Adrian Rogers

• "If you want to leave your footprints in the sands of time, you got to put your work boots on."

• "The measure of a life, after all, is not its duration, but its donation."
~Corrie Ten Boom

• "Wisdom begins with wonder."
~ Socrates

• "Who, being loved, is poor?"
~ Oscar Wilde

• "Over confidence in self is under confidence in God."
~ Francie Taylor

• "There is a short distance b/t your head & neck. Look long enough at your halo & the YOU will reposition it into a noose." ~ Ravi Zacharius

accepted wedding invitation?

As the night comes and candle and twinkle lights make merry, I sit in the stillness to send time with my Lord. More than any other Christmas before is the powerful realization of the greatest gift ever - salvation!. Isaiah 61:10 describes it as a grand wedding party. "I delight greatly in the Lord ; my soul rejoices in my God. For He has clothed me with garments of Salvation and arrayed me in a robe of Righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels." Wow!

A very grand party indeed! Beautiful best regal party clothes from His closet because you could never afford them. Look into the faces. They are glowing from His Glory. Eyes bright and smiles megawatt. Then the feasting begins and tummies satisfied. How trilling! Then as you look away…

Oh! What darkness when the soul is lost. It is so bitter. I relish in my salvation but my heart is so sad this Christmas for Mj and Anna. They need my Jesus. They need to surrender their lives. One is fearful of this world and what horror it contains for her dear little ones. The other has limited days left as brain cancer has his way with her. Oh to be saved from this world's fears. Oh to be saved from eternal torment.

So this Christmas I am most grateful of Salvation and earnestly pray that the best gift ever comes and unwraps itself to two special people in my life - one I know and one I so hope to greet in Heaven with a bear hug.

~*~ Merry Christmas ~*~

Is it merry for you? It could be. Accept the gift of Salvation and be amazed in the unwrapping …

receiving the GIFT…

There is a battle for a soul. An urgent plea has gone out, heard, and the pleading has begun. I don't know her but because I know her brother I want to greet her in Heaven not with a causal hello but with a giant hug. Her days are numbered. She is experiencing a spoonful of hell as she battles with brain cancer. To have Jesus and to have everlasting life free from eternal torment - best Christmas.…

"Dear Jesus, help! We are small little night lights in a very dark world. You are Mighty to Save. Let our eyes be open to see You and to feel Your Presence in this … may this precious soul be treasure in Heaven…"

bean watching …

What a child I am! Any adult knows that when you plant a seed that it takes time to grow. But here I am checking the seed and just like a child who checked his bean seed in that white styrofoam cup on the windowsill every hour and then in the morning to rush out to see if a bit of green has popped through the wet dirt. Nothing. How the heart slumps. And isn't it just the time the utter dejection sets in and you feel the 'whatever' coming on that a green shoot appears?

I hope and wait and pray … for the out of the blue verbal seed to germinate and continue with sowing the walking seeds.…

six days too late …

A month a go we realized that Andy's health was in decline. Our fervent prayer was that Andy would fall asleep and not wake up. We did not want to take him to vet as he hated it so much that we would have to sedate him for fear he would have a heart attack - way too traumatic and not what we wanted his last moments to be.

As I tried to capture as much time with him, I would see how he was still engaged and wanted to be apart of the family. As I held his furry body close to mine and feeling his heartbeat, I could not fathom taking it. I kept praying that the God Who cared about the fallen sparrow would take Andy sooner than later. Last week I was getting mad at God and saying in the same breath that I didn't want to be mad but what was the purpose of this wasting away. He allowed Muffy our cat to die all curled up in sleep. We didn't know anything was wrong with her. Why couldn't Andy be allowed that escape?

Mom couldn't be home Monday through Wednesday so last Sunday would have been perfect timing except we would have missed out on what we thought was his last story to tell - waking up Mom to clean his bed and then went back to sleep contented. I spent a little time with him. Thursday night and as he tucked his nose under the covers with his paws curled under his head, I captured the last picture to remember him by. Friday I barely had tears because I couldn't understand why God couldn't take him. Then Sandy Hook happened and I was noooo, not more loss for Christmas. Saturday morning and still no word of Andy passing I just bawled. I didn't want to start the day. But then word came.

My second prayer was that I could see God's Presence through the loss of Andy like I saw His Presence through the warm blankets during my surgery. It is best to not dictate what you want to see. You want to be surprised. You want your eyes open. You don't want to miss it. But I couldn't see anything - just yet…

I did breathe a thank You to God for the relief of death to put an end on suffering. I thanked Him for giving Andy a lot of sleep. Even the timing was good. Mom wasn't alone. The passing was in the morning and while she was cleaning him up. Being Saturday Dad was home with her and we could bury him and not struggle through a work day. Plus, little ones that were coming the next day wouldn't have to see this. Even with these small blessings, the biggest blessing was yet to come.

I gathered a couple of pictures and wrote an email and sent to couple of coworkers that knew Andy was sick. I didn't want to talk about Andy aloud. I didn't want to cry any more. At the end of my email about Andy's contentment with us, I simply stated that "through this pain, I was contented in Who has me." That was my only reference to God.

A coworker began to share all her hyperventilating fears that she was having this weekend over the Sandy Hook incident. Mj has been on my wish list for Jesus. Was this an opportunity to share Him with her? Through shaking hands I typed out my struggle this year and that the only light I had in this dark world was God's Word and a personal relationship with Him. I hit send. A verbal seed has been planted after much walking seeds have been showered in her life.…

Then I realized the purpose of Andy passing was right on time in God's Plan and not mine. Andy passed six days too late so that my raw personal pain could be added to the national pain so I could share my True Hope and Real Light to a coworker friend who needs Jesus.

Isn't amazing? God does not waste my pain nor my tears!

raw & contented …

I've been grieving for a month because what I had dreaded was becoming quite evident now. At the beginning of the the week my earnest prayer that God would take Andy sooner than later wasn't being answered on my terms. I went to see Andy Thursday night as curled up with his paws tucked up under his head and his nose under the covers. Friday I had barely a tear. I did think that maybe sleep was a gift God was giving Andy. Saturday I just didn't want to get out of bed. Losing a precious gift on top of a year filled with stressful decisions and with dark passages has been much - too much. I can't take much more. I long for rest, for healing, for comfort and joy.

My dear Andy did pass at 7:45AM. I bawled upon my pillowed and got up and started the day. As we covered Andy with earth's heavy blanket the heavens began to tear up pelleting us with soft drops matching our sorrow.

Andy was was born with his brother Bobby on February 26, 2000. Mom and Dad not being able to pick just one brought both home on April 13, 2000. Andy passed 7:45AM December 15, 2012. Bobby is still with us. He was worried and confused. He has Tink who is also worried and confused, but will keep each other as well as us focused on today.

I will miss this precious pupinator greatly. My biggest fear is that his memory will fade like all the beloved pets that I have had. It helps the grief process but this guy has touched my heart like no other. I want to remember all the goodness he was. I do not want that to fade.

I'm not grieving like I was. Maybe I'm numb. Maybe it is because the wasting away is finished and it is a relief.

I finally put the tree up because I wanted some twinkle in my life. I won't have extended time off - just the holiday. We will be slaving to get inventory done. So I don't know if I will be able to recharge fully. I do plan to find some quiet Christmastime with God. I need to give God my gift of contentment.…

My dear contented Andy! What an inspiring story!

for Sandy Hook …

Dear Heavenly Father,
"Have mercy on me, O God,
have mercy on me,
For in You my soul takes refuge.
I will take refuge in the
Shadow of Your Wings
until the disaster has passed.
I cry out to God Most High…
~ Psalms 57:1-2

We are hurting. The gifts You have given have been taken. At Christmas we are reminded that You gave Your only Son as a gift to mankind. Jesus paid with His Life - He paid for this evil done so that we have HOPE and EVERLASTING LIFE.

Thank You, Heavenly Father, for You are the Great Keeper. You keep our dreams and wishes. You collect our tears. You Alone can give Perfect Peace. You Alone can change the evil heart. You Alone can heal a wounded bleeding heart. I will bow the knee and rest my fevered brow and broken heart in Your Strong Everlasting Keeping Arms.

with a heavy heart,
keeper

a cupful of Andy …

A text this morning from my Mom:

"I have a little Andy story to tell. As sick as he is, he pooooped and potty his bed. He comes up to the head of the bed and hits the bed until he get me awake to fix his bed. He does not like a mussed up bed. He gave a little purrrrr after he got cleaned up."

That's my beloved Andy. He still has a story to tell.

bitter cupful vs abundant life …

Life is a paradox and quite frankly I am a paradox but for right now life is right in my face in a stare down. I've had enough. I'm sure I've blinked but I'm still in its clutches.

Just as I was clutching to the fact that I do have an abundant life full of hope, salvation, love, peace, contentment, JOY, compassion,… Just as this world is getting darker and that I have the Light to make a difference in my world, my cup has gotten very bitter. Like Jesus I want this cup taken away. Please let up. Please give me warm honey water. My heart is shattered.

I know I must give up my good gift, my beloved Andy. I have asked for mercy. Let him go quietly in his sleep where he is near us. In my opinion last Sunday would have been good timing but he is still here wasting away. I couldn't bear to take his life away. He was engaged and giving. We did not want his last moments be traumatic. He goes nuts when he goes to vet.

{heavy sigh} What a stressful year this has been. I felt God's Presence when I was freaking out about the surgery. He covered me. I'm looking for His Presence again. I'm trying not to dictate my expectations but they are there larger than life.

What a paradox. Abundant life and my cup is bitter.

my favorite things 2012

1. The favorite thing to top my list would be furry pupinator Andy hugs and kisses. He is my cuddle bug. Touch isn't top on my love language list but when your single and to have and hold isn't in your future, touch becomes important. I've been cherishing all his hugs before he is gone…

2. Covers. Covers are my 'arms' that surround me to hold me in when I want to hide. This year has been very traumatic and continues to be. God has a Strong Arm and I find that ever so comforting. So as I hideaway under my covers, I treasure that His Arms surround me.

3. God's Word. I love how God begins to connect the dots as different passages come together to show me a promise, a help, and a picture …

4. My craftcave. I have a place I can get away and create. If I need to come back to reality, I can go and it is all there to come back to. I also can take bits with me like to work so that I can have a mini break.

5. Shaded big windows that look out into a woods. What a little wonderland I have. I could waste an afternoon curled up in a chair viewing squirrel and birds antics. If your fortunate, you just might see raccoon babies waddle about or a young deer slip quietly to the edge of your world.

6. Blue Cloud paint. I painted this all over my tall library walls. I was afraid of the boldness but I love it now. While we are on paint, I live the dusty purple that graces my bedroom walls making it feel like a jewelry box. To top off these paints is silver faceplates to cover light switches and outlets! It is the bow atop a great prezzie!

7. Perfect lampshades. I like the new mode shapes that allow the light to be closer to the wall. It really makes a room.

8. iPod Touch. I have been enjoying the audio capabilities like the audio Bible and the podcasts. I also like the ability to write down my thoughts especially in the warmth of my covers!

9. My home & garage. Never had before and saying thank You to my Heavenly Provider.

10. Australian Tea Tree Oil. I've been using on my traumatic toe injury to keep infection away.

what thankfulness can do …

Having a grateful heart and expressing it to the Heavenly Father in the moment is the key to love, JOY, praise, contentment, peace, hope, faith, … Some of these words are a bit abstract and when I try to break it down, I get a little lost.

In another part of my life I started to thank my Heavenly Father in the moment. If I ask for help and I get it, why shouldn't I say thank You right then and there? Not only has it fix my melancholy and frustration, it has given me JOY and contentment. It has helped me understand faith, hope, and love.

Next lesson is to thank my Heavenly Father for the dross removal moments - (you know, the painful stuff!). Yikes!

grieving at His Knee …

dear Heavenly Father,
I am so grateful that I can come to You alone and pour out my grief. I need to cry, to let it out without hurting anyone else, without making anyone feel bad. My tears are liquid feelings, liquid empathy. What they don't see is that I am offering up sacrifice of praise to You even when tears stream uncontrollably.

I know I must give back this gift You've given. I know this will be a great void yet each time I feel it, I will praise You. It will hurt. I don't know how I will get through. I don't want to let him become a bygone memory. I want him to be a happy memory daily.… I am hoping to celebrate him in a x stitch journal.

Watching his decline even as he clings to us, I feel like King David. I will give my presence now and hold him close. When You take him, through the tears I will clean up and get up and praise You.

Thank You for collecting my tears. Thank You for Your Strong Arms that hold me together.

always,
tearful keeper

Andy snapshots …

Why do good gifts have an expiration date? I know why good gifts come. The Heavenly Father loves to lavish us with good gifts but why do they go?

Sometimes good gifts are people and people at times fail us. Sometimes good gifts are pets to cheer us and to teach about unconditional love yet they have frailty written into their DNA too. Sometimes good gifts are jobs or homes or things that can crumble away. Is that really a good gift if it is so easily ruined? I just cannot wrapped my brain around it -especially around the gifts we take to Heaven and those God-created creations.

God has given me a picture to help me understand a little more…

I struggle because I get attached to these furry animated toy fox terriers. They bring me such joy! I know they have no souls but they have such life and personality. Jesus cares about a the fallen sparrow. He gave the donkey speech to get a defiant human to listen. And one day the lion will lie down with the lamb. After reading about pets in Randy Alcorn's book on Heaven for kids. I have a couple of snapshots…

Today's snapshot is me handing over a sleeping Andy into the Strong Arms of Jesus. A picture of allowing Jesus to comfort a sad grateful heart. Andy is well enjoyed gift.

I have have couple more snapshots …

After some of the big things happen like seeing Jesus face to face and having mini reunions of with special people that have gone before us and meeting first time face to face those who we knew their heart but never got to see and that big thing where we come back with Jesus on those horses … after that when things 'quiet' down and I walk on streets of gold, I will walk out into the yard and there peering out from behind the tree will be Andy with his beautiful masked face. He will pause like always and he will do his slightly sidestep happy trot to greet me. He will jump into my arms. In that moment as my hands capture his little tank body there will be to lumps, bumps, tender spots, worry spots, or itchy ears. As salty happy tears flow and pupinators kisses lap up, we rejoice that the Creator King has broken sin's curse. Not only has my body been made new and perfected but God has made His creation perfect too. This snapshot is the giving of PRAISE to God Most High.

I have one more indulgent snapshot…

Andy and I have this tradition after meals when the family talks. Andy gives me sad eyes and I would let him jump into my lap and lately I have scooped him up. He sits there enjoying the elevated view and of course a nibble on a scrap or two. I know that Thankgiving was the last time Andy and I truly enjoyed this together. But just maybe after the Marriage Feast in Heaven, Andy will be there with his puppy eyes…
and once again like old times he will jump into my lap as we fellowship at The Lord's table. This snapshot is pure indulgence and a reminder that God the Father lavishes us with so much, are we indulgent in our praise back to Him?

What a Day of Rejoicing that will be! True gifts will be fully realized. Good gifts will be perfected. No expiration dates. No frailty. No brokenness. No loss.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the Heavenly Lights, Who does not change like shifting shadows. ~James 1:17

golden bowls & harps …

…"the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb, each having a harp, and golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints." ~ Revelations 5:8

Interesting! A harp and a golden bowl of incense. Would a harp represent my thankfulness? The verse says prayer is incense honored with a golden bowl. Wow! This puts a new perceptive on the gifts I bring to my King!

rich generosity …

"… Out of the most severe trial, their overflowing JÖY & their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity." II Corinthians 8:2

I stumbled on an interesting treasure! I have this walking sadness going on because I let this adorable flurry pupinator into my heart and now this good gift is going… This is just the latest on a very trying year. I'm not sure I can take much more.

This passage encourages me that out of all my stresses and depleted heart and soul, there is always JÖY abundant when I am thankful to the Almighty in whatever He gives and in whatever He takes. This JÖY just bubbles up and I can give even when I don't know how I can…

overflowing JÖY + extreme poverty = rich generosity

x stitch …

Not that I need another craft but rather going back to my first self taught pursuit as a way to grieve and honor my beloved Andy. I need something quick where words and crocheting a likeness would take too much time in this busy season.

I have been wanting to get back to x stitching and have been getting small nudges along the way. I found sometime this summer a second Martha Stewart Living catalog that had an article promoting x stitch to little girls. All you do is get graph paper and encourage them to draw themselves and their family then x stitch. I loved it and can't wait to try on my nieces but in the meantime just tucking it away.

I've been picking up wonderful x stitch pieces at my local second hand shop. I have this battle going on inside me - why am I buying someone else's hard work when I should create them? The beauty and length always wins! I lack the time! You should see the piano one! I cannot believe someone got rid of it.

I like simple things to make quick work. I found this really cool x stitch maker app for my iPod Touch! I made Andy's face in x stitch and this app shows you what it looks like finished. I now am on the hunt for a graph paper journal. I think I will have to make one instead as I am coming up empty. I want to fill the pages with Andy first and then with the rest with the toy fox gang with Andy as top dog as he is. Then I will have a journal as well as x stitch pieces.

I think this will be a good way to grieve. Andy has been cuddling with me and I cherish these moments. I don't want to let him go but I must. I long for Heaven where good gifts are perfected…

through it all…

Songwriters: BROWN, GARY VICTOR / HARVEY, STEVE

I've had many tears and sorrows
I've had questions for tomorrow
There've been times I didn't know right from wrong
But in every situation
God gave blessed consolation
That my trials only come to make me strong

I've been a lot of places
And I've seen so many faces
But there've been times I've felt so all alone
But in that lonely hour
In that precious, lonely hour
Jesus let me know I was His own
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/selah/through_it_all.html ]
Through it all
Through it all
I've learned to trust in Jesus
I've learned to trust in God
Through it all
Through it all
I've learned to depend upon His Word

So I thank God for the mountains
And I thank Him for the valleys
I thank Him for the storms He's brought me through
Cause if I never had a problem
I wouldn't know that He could solve them
I wouldn't know what faith in His Word could do

Through it all
Through it all
I've learned to trust in Jesus
I've learned to trust in God
Through it all
Through it all
I've learned to depend upon His Word
Yes, I've learned to depend upon His Word
I've learned to depend upon His Word

I was sitting at my desk trying to keep on task with a very tired brain when 'through it all' perked my ears. 2012 had a very exciting change tempered with stress, injury, surgery, and now watching death come for my beloved pup.

Through it all I have joy in the midst. I have felt the Presence of God. I have seen Him Provide. I have been blanketed by His Almighty Wing. I have had my fears covered. I am ever so grateful. through it all I will trust Him.

being the right love …

I wrote these notes down over the summer to write down here and I am finally fulfilling that task! Sadly, I forgot to make a notation on who said these wise things on being the right kind of love instead of finding the right person to love and marry.

~~~~~
1. it's not about finding the right person rather become the right kind of person

2. it's not about falling in love rather walk in love

3. it's not fixing your hope on a person rather fix your hope on Christ

Woman should represent love's contentment while man should represent unending, uninterrupted, unquestioned love.
~~~~~

Now this is something to truly strive for in my life! It will lead to a more joyful me because I will ultimately be working on my relationship with my Lord, Jesus Christ Who makes all things new. It will show true beauty inside out. Who wouldn't want more beauty?

thankful 2012 …

Wow, what a year!! So much has happened!! I can barely catch my breath but I shall count my blessings!! I am dazed and amazed and full of praise for the Almighty!!

• I am thankful for 16 years of my small apartment and I am thankful for a new year of being a homeowner. I could not do so without Him. I have a beautiful library where I can have a book in my hand or I can daydream out big windows and I have a craftcave that I can mozy on down in my hideaway and craft to my heart's content without having to put my little creations away just to live!!

I have a three nice bathrooms where before I had one nasty calcified one. I'm looking to change the color of the master bath but i still can't believe how clean and spacious this small bathroom is. The guest water closet is right by the door for easy access after a long day of avoiding the public loos. The gem is the guest bathroom that is big and high for a tall man. With that guest bath I have great potential for a nice guest room in the basement. I would like to finish it before having someone over but excited over the potential.

I've got a nice little pantry for food and for utilitarian dishes leaving the kitchen cabinets for the pretty dishware. I could go on and on with the house but I'll end by saying it is pretty nice to have a garage for the jeep. I finally got it in at the beginning of November, beating out the frost! I won't know what to think when the snow piles up deep!

Huge blessing! I still can't believe it.

• I am thankful for my Dad who helped me move in three days. He had the stick to get this job done especially when I felt very overwhelmed and got injured. He also has the handyman talent and helped trim out my craftcave and helped to stabilize the bookcases.

• I am thankful for the traumatic foot injury and swollen groin lymph node and surgery. I have seen God's Presence in my life. I was quaking in fear when I would have rather had strong rock solid faith but God took the tiny shivering faith that I did have and covered my naked fears all with warm blankets. I woke from the surgery with a huge thank You! Wow!!! I later got the news that it wasn't cancer which I knew it was the traumatic foot injury all along but if course the c-word gets in there and shakes everything up.

• I am thankful for my Mom who went to my appointments and to surgery with me. I needed her. Even when I grew quiet trying to keep myself contained and still she tried to draw me out and didn't get mad or frustrated at my lack of words. I need to say here that I am very blessed with the timing of everything and that again was God.

• I am thankful for NS who is busy with his hectic life but was there with comfort and strength just at the times I needed - again God's timing. I am blessed to have this friendship in my life. There is nothing compared to someone who understands a spaghetti brain like mine and loves God passionately too.

• I am thankful for my brothers and their families that I can look after and love on. There has been a lot pain come into their lives and family is important to have. Sometimes I don't know what to do but God will bring me something to mind to shower them. I know that they in turn are there for me. There is nothing better to have the quietness of family to stand with you when you need to shut out the rest of the world.

• I am thankful for my job, boss, and coworkers. My job is NOT my passion but sowing little seeds of God's love is my job. I am beginning to see the big picture and want to desperately sow more seeds especially for M. There is a tiny thirst there and I hope she gets more thirsty! So lunch notes for her daughter it is. Pretty fun to do but it is seeds… 🌱

• I am thankful for my three pupinators, Tink, Bobby, and Andy. They make me laugh … and cry. They comfort … and I comfort them. I got out the picture books and memories last night… I could go on and on … my heart is hurting right now . I love Tink and Bobby equally and uniquely but Andy is special. I get his personality because it is like mine own. He likes to be still on the outside until action is needed. He likes rules and placement and let's the other pups know. He looks at you with his soulful eyes and you melt. He is playful and animated. He is deathly afraid of the vet. Sadly, his days are numbered… he has growths all over inside and they have growing extremely fast the past two weeks. He isn't in pain yet and still is very lively. We are praying that when it is time for him to go that it is when he is sleeping. It would be too traumatic for him to be taken to the vet. I've been wondering if I will see my dearly beloved pets in heaven … I am so grateful for Andy.

• I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father Who holds my hand and walks with me. He nudges me when I need it. He covers my fears when my heart starts quivering. He quiets me when my brain starts shouting. He gives me strength to endure when I am in pain. I have value because of Him. How blessed I am!

no escape …

When you have trouble at work, there is always an escape. When you have trouble at home, there is always an escape. When you have relational trouble, there is always an escape. When you have personal trouble, there is always an escape. When you have marital, there is always an escape. When you kid problems, there is always an escape. When you have money problems, there is always an escape. When you have problems with electronics, there is always an escape. Name any kind of trouble or problem and you can name several escapes except for one trouble where there is no escape.

This one trouble is most precious because it is our life and anything that hinders it is a sucker punch that reverberates throughout our body and soul. When pain enters or when fear of cancer enters our world, there is no escape. It gnaws at the linings of our brain and our soul. We see numbering of days of our lives or the days of agony deepen on our horizon.

We may try every escape and often do only to fine we are quivering in fear. We may turn to God and His Word and still find some part of you quaking in fear. Be not alarmed. God is still bigger than your problem. God can still the storm. But what if He wants to carry you THROUGH the storm with all the wind, hail, and cold steely water? What if He wants to show you that He alone can cover every little quivering quaking fear that overwhelms you? What if the only way for you to truly see HIS PRESENCE is for you to experience the fear and tread while in His capable hands and to wake up to see a newness has spread its soft warm glow through out your body, heart, mind, and soul? How wonderful to wake with thankfulness on your lips as you realize that God covered every fear uniquely fitting your personality and character. He created your being to make you unique and He will keep designing and crafting you through your life as uniquely. He is the Author and Finisher of your faith. He knows what He is doing. Fear not isn't working for you? Keep expectant in His Hands. Wait for the morning. He will come… Rejoicing comes after you come through … rejoicing comes in the morning … Psalms 30

passages…

Back in February I was flip-flopping between being a renter or a house owner. Each day is new step into the unknown because last year at this time, I've would have never known that I would be in a different place - more open in space and opportunity.

My parents are being made to feel unwelcomed at work because of their age. Both want out badly but they have one more year to pay off their house. My father especially feels the squeeze where my mother just wants to walk by faith. Dad doesn't want to step out and loose it all but Mother has had enough.

Passages. Passing out of one age. Passing into another age. Ending. Beginning. Different. SAME!!!!!

dear Ancient of Days, how I love Your Name. Great solace! Nothing is new or scary to You. You are Strong and Mighty to save. Open our eyes to Your Presence. May we see Your Mighty Arm in our little situation that feels like a hot and heavy monster breathing down our neck ever so close to take a bite out of our backside. You will never fail us. We have such peace in that. May we never forget Your Mighty Works so that we can remember to be expectant in Your Mighty Works to cone. And Dear Heavenly Father, especially my earthy father, my he feel Your Strong Arms about him today.In Jesus Name.… Amen.

feeling past pain…

I was listening to a podcast about "fighting for a stronger marriage" and what I got from it will help me greatly in all my relationships even though I don't have a marriage.

Anytime anger flares up what caused that in you? Instead of attacking the other person find out what 'log is in your own eye'. What closed your heart? Don't be surprised to find that it was a childhood wound! To me that was eye opening. Here we go blaming a childhood again but as I just had anger flare up just minutes before, I realized that it doesn't matter if you are an adult now and you've taken responsibilities to heal and grow up. Those scares have memory and themes weaved into the fabric of your heart. You have to understand it again and again. You have soften your heart and be willing to share it.

I just had gotten angry about the old sister in law honking as she went by carrying my nephew and the niece to a Thanksgiving with her side when we were trying to a birthday with my brother. Then afterwards she comes into our driveway honking with her mother waving and the two kids came up allowing us to have a hug fest. I'm glad we got to have that because we don't get to see the niece because she 'isn't blood' but I had such anger burn inside! Why?

This sister in law divorced my brother and is now going after a third guy. My brother is moving on too. I am just sick - sick that this happened to my brother - sick that two innocent kids have to deal with it. How is my teenager niece going to find lasting love?

Now to my own log - why am I struggling so? Where is my forgiveness? I need to to behave for the kids…. My log, my pain is that I never got chosen to be loved and cherished for a lifetime. I've always wished to be married. I've wanted be a team player. Instead I get to do life in a singular fashion. Rejection. Team failure. Not having your back. Huge investments no returns. Stuff that would kill me if I had a marriage fail. I know what a blessing to be single! It is a scar that keeps wanting to be a wound.

Here is the second part of the fighting for your marriage: L.U.V.E. After you find your pain and have soften your heart, you take to your spouse and share with L.U.V.E. in place. L is for listening. U is for understanding. V is for validating. E is for empathizing. Of course this will work with safe relationships but for the unsafe ones or for those private angers, you take it to your Heavenly Father. He is the Healer and then you can be forgiving or as forgiveness in the unsafe relationships.

I need to wrap this up and take my private pain to God and let Him heal. His soothing oil will soften the rejection scar and I can once again move freely…

-------

Resources:
http://www.smalleymarriage.com/
"The Wholehearted Marriage" book

material for the Silversmith …

Silver is fascinating to me and I perk up when I discover it in the Word. It always seems second place to gold so why is it used in the Bible? So here is my musings:

It looks like it is only the beginning when our furnace days are completed! Then comes the hammer days!! And this cycle makes up for all our earthly days! However, the SILVER lining is that we are freed of the unneeded and we become more shiny and beautiful like Him!

Remove the dross from the silver,
and out comes material for the silversmith;
~ Proverbs 25:4

I jot down notes of interest from Bible speakers and I just stumbled on a tidbit from Joni Erickson Tada: 'God choose silver to describe His Word. God's Word is purer than choice silver. ~ Proverbs 10:20. Why? Pure silver holds together; gold cannot. Silver kills bacteria and that is why they put it in teeth.

I wrote the above back in May little knowing that I would be put into the furnace a few months later. It all started back at the end if March where I had a traumatic foot injury. After two months of hobbling on a swollen left foot, things were going great. The foot was getting better. I could walk again. It still was healing and I thought I was coming out of it. At the end of July I discover a bump in crease of my left leg where it attaches to the body. Trying to figure out what caused this and having it removed was traumatic to my mind and to the heart. Having something removed is so having the dross removed. This was a vivid visual to me.

My troubled brain had to make this verse into a formula for easy meditation and focus.

silver - dross
= precious metal useable by the Silversmith

thank You, Heavenly Father, for Your sure Hands and Your Ultimate Wisdom!!

twinkle, twinkle…

The Star
by Jane Taylor

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

When the blazing sun is gone,
When he nothing shines upon,
Then you show your little light,
Twinkle, twinkle, all the night.

Then the traveler in the dark
Thanks you for your tiny spark,
He could not see where to go
If you did not twinkle so.

In the dark blue sky you keep,
And often through my curtains peep,
For you never shut your eye
Till the sun is in the sky.

As your bright and tiny spark
Lights the traveler in the dark,
Though I know not what you are,
Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

It is always good to do a little research on lost stanzas to those little childhood poems. Sometimes you might find a gem to live out in your adult life. Who knows what fellow traveler might need you to share your light.…

3 fav Bible words…

***JOY***
God has brought me through my spells of melancholy to show me that even though my name might mean 'dark valley' He has changed it to 'from the dark valley comes a joyful one'. I quite like that!

I am quiet by nature so being singled out is frowned upon. I couldn't understand the desire if getting crowns in Heaven. Too showy for me. Besides aren't we too cast our crowns at His Feet? However, I have stumbled upon a the crown I wouldn't mind wearing.

and the ransomed of the LORD will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away. ~ Isaiah 35:10

***one another***
Again God has taken me through this pairing of words that has transformed me. I have this significant relationship that is so sparse at times meaning he is gone for long periods of time. He came back and I had the choice of throwing him out for good or to pick up what we have and go for it. I had long conversations with God in the down time on what I should do if he came back or never did. God gave gave me this opportunity to have him back and the first word that came to me was 'one another' like bear one another's burdens. There is a whole listing in the Bible that I shared with him. This healed our relationship. A deeper look it is the practical nitty-gritty word for love.

***Arm***
I liked to be contained. I like to be safe and secure. I like to be protected. Being surrounded by big burly arms is a craving that I have. It means you are wanted and cherished. Psalms 18 is my burly Arms! Not only does He save me with His Arm but He arms me with His Strength!!!!

Your Arm is endued with Power; Your Hand is Strong, Your Right Hand Exalted. ~Psalm 89:13

AMEN!

welcome my Bridegroom…

In the heavens He has pitched a tent for the sun,
which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.
It rises at one end of the heavens and makes its circuit to the other; nothing is hidden from its heat.

I have an eastern window now that allows the sunrise to brilliantly shine through the naked woods and into my Blue Cloud library in late fall. I just want sit in my little rocker letting its radiance shine on me and soaking up its every beam.

Ahh, how genius that the poet gives us a magnificent visual of the sun in bridegroom attire coming forth and then the poet moves into the Law of the Lord. How I need and find God's Word come to me with its intense Light warming but cleaning. I, the bride small as I am tremble and full of awe, desire and welcome my Bridegroom. I am only worth something with Him.

The Law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul. The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The precepts of the Lord are right, giving JÖY to the heart. The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.
The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever. The ordinances of the Lord are sure and altogether righteous.
They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb. By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward. Psalm 19:4-11

a single dad's Christmas…

What do you do when this is your first year divorced from your wife and you have a young son of 8 who would wonder why dad isn't decorating for Christmas? This thought was given to me by God yesterday and all I could do was chew on it all day. It is a scenario happening in my family.

I felt moved to step up and be the female - to be a gentle help in any way I can. I sent a text with the question and some ideas. This dad was thinking about this and welcomed the help.

I'm excited. In my opinion it doesn't have to be girly so I am exploring some different options to see what they might enjoy. I am also thinking of a nativity set would be nice. Maybe a plastic Christmas tub filled with decor so that he has a way to store it after the holidays.

A Christmas gift can come in the prep and relieving some if the pressure of perfection. A gift of the heart.…

the printed page…

I love books. There is a sacredness to them. They have taken me places far and away. They have been good friends. They have inspired me to change. These books have been so good to me that I hold them in such a way that they look new even if they aren't.

I love words. I just might have been a printer working with the type setting back in the day. But today ink stamps hold my fascination.

However, there is a dilemma! Have you seen book pages taken from their home and then forced into hard labor being folded this way or that making beautiful ornamentation for the home? Or have been seared by ink stamps forever tattooed by images marring the original intent yet not marring beauty?

I have such guilt but such pleasure. I can't think of messing up precious books yet I have this string desire to marry these two off. Ink stamps and printed pages make for a lasting couple.

I have my limits. I won't buy books to 'destroy'. I won't use the books I have… wait, unless the books I have aren't doing what they should.…

I happen to have on such book. It is a small dictionary where the words are too tiny. I found two full grown older and wiser $1 resale replacements so it won't be missed though I think I might shed a tear before it's demise! No, I am really doing it a favor right? It is difficult to use because it doesn't open nicely and isn't comfortable In my hands. It doesn't fit it's job! (I know excuses!)

After moving and trying to contain all my books, I realize I have some paperback books that do not wear their stories well. They just might be on the chopping block as well.

I just might become a book murder yet. So sad but sooooo many possibilities. Just think of the beautiful artwork celebrating the printed page!

the little 'bams' of life …

You go along life same as always in a small living space that gets smaller as you go. You put up with smells and noise because living in an apartment has this put up or move out to it. You think this space will be yours for many more years to come then 'bam'.

Life for me has changed in a big way this year. Things were getting bad at the apartment and finding my new home was quick though not mentally easy. Then with a traumatic foot injury things got physically harder. I have been left feeling smaller and very scatter yet all the while very thankful.

I have found it quite necessary to write as it essential to quality thinking but I haven't stole away to come here and harbor my words. I have so much to record and keep! Just like the fun furry squirrels that are my new neighbors.

As things settle and yet flooding of many more to-dos, new habits can and must be made. I have the words. They are bursting at the seams of me. So as this year closes, I'm opening up the floodgate of my words and hoping to recapture them again here. For keeps…

Elections 2012

Help, Lord, for the godly are no more;
the faithful have vanished from among men.

Everyone lies to his neighbor;
their flattering lips speak with deception.

May the Lord cut off all flattering lips
and every boastful tongue that says, “We will triumph with our tongues;
we own our lips—who is our master?”

“Because of the oppression of the weak and the groaning of the needy,
I will now arise,” says the Lord.
“I will protect them from those who malign them.”

And the Words of the Lord are flawless,
like silver refined in a furnace of clay,
purified seven times.

O Lord, You will keep us safe
and protect us from such people forever.

The wicked freely strut about
when what is vile is honored among men. ~Psalm 12:1-8

I was listening to this passage being read and I have stopped to go over it repeatedly and meditatively This is America. This is the world. …

Where are God's faithful? Where is the salt? Where is the light? Am I making a difference in my world? Am I doing my part and keeping America from the burning sulfur? Oh, how I feel the heat on the back of my neck and the sulfur stench burns my tender nose.…

Having a liberal minded orator spew his jargon promoting moral decline and calling it part of the civil rights. Let's call it the truth. Live without self control. Live to your flesh. It is your choice. Lies all lies.

To live as you choose, to live your life outside the box and splatter all over, to have no rules is to live with your fist against God and against your fellowman. If throughout time we had one man and one woman marriages without divorce or same sex connections, there would be no sexual disease. In fact our families would be stronger and in turn our country and then our world. Honoring God in every part of our life is far more important than having superpower status.

We are a needy people but why would God save us a defiant people and bent on doing it our way?

O Lord, You will keep us safe
and protect us from such people forever.

The wicked freely strut about
when what is vile is honored among men. ~Psalm 12:1-8

Blue Cloud ...

I am in love!  I am in love!!  I am in love!!!  Can you tell?  I am in love!!!   I am going to sound just like a wine connoisseur!  You know the ones who twirl the juice around in their glasses, the ones that sniff, and the ones that taste by swishing and spitting out the wine.  They then proclaim they can taste rain or some fruit or maybe it taste a feeling like maybe it was rustic.  I just cannot phantom all those tastes in some fermented grape juice!  That is until now....  that is what love is all about.

My house is full of multi beiges and this washed out beige pale sick green.  I lived 16 years of beige.  I want crisp white.  I like it stark and cool.  But for one room I want something different than white so I was thinking a grey that is all the rage.  However grey can be too boring or it can even have a base of green in it.  I was struggling.  See I have this really cool room that gets a lot of sun with vaulted ceiling.  It also has a sliding glass door.  It gets real hot in there. I want this to be my library and where I house my iMac.  I want it to cool in the summer and warm in the winter.  I want this room to inspire me.  I want to get lost in my thoughts and to be able to daydream all the while with my fingers dancing out my thoughts and dreams upon my silver keyboard.

I thought I would find a perfect grey but the paint cards I was bringing home were shades of dusty blue.    They would change to green in certain lights.   Some were too bright.  Some too dark.  Most not grey at all.  The days were counting down to my paint vacation.  I had to make a decision and fast.

I walked into my home improvement store and found an all in one paint.  Then I found the color.  I bought it and came home with it.  It is a bit DARK!  I thought my house was going to be white!  I hoped others would like it too.  I had taken far too long in deciding the paint color and I needed to power through!  I have got to get this house done.  I have to get the jeep inside the garage before winter.  I am taking far too long getting this done.  Never mind that I had foot injury keeping me out of the of commission for those first two months.

I put this dark blue color on the walls.  No turning back now.  In the midst of it I looked out into my living room and noticed this same blue in my furniture.  Then I realized this same blue is my white dishes.  Duh!  No wonder I didn't flip flop.  I picked this color and just went with it!  This is my ultimate favorite social color!  It is calming - something I hope others see in me.

This color that is on my library walls is called Blue Cloud.  I describe it as the color an oil artist would pick for those chilly mountain scene.  When the sun shines full on it is a bold strong blue.  When it night out and you turn on a low lamp, it has soft accent of purple.  If you turn on the overhead light, there is a rich red berry tone that echoes.  Creamy white window treatments and carpet gives a good pop.  Reds compliment.  Dark woods make it rich.  Silver makes it elegant.

Now all I need to find is a beautiful corner desk so that I can put the iMac there so that on side I have the window and the other side have the sliding glass door.  Then I can take it all in and then exhale through my fingers and onto the screen.

My brain is soothed and energized by Blue Cloud paint.  I cannot help but BEAM I am so in love!!!

paint here, paint there, paint on my feet...

What a difference it makes when you have a comrade in arms!  I have had the grumps this week and I think it had to do with just missing someone special.  I crave partnership and I have found that I work better about the house when I can do it with someone.  I feed off their energy.   I also know how to do the supportive undertones.  Mmmmm, duets fascinate me.  I love to harmonize.

I took the day off and I wasn't sure how today would end up.  I had Mom come over and we painted my craft cave white.  I should love painting because I love to paint on glass.  I just wasn't sure I wanted to do it with walls and have a mess.  I have these paint nightmares that you make a little mess here and when  you go to clean it up, the mess grows and grows...... Yikes!!!

With one gallon of white ceiling paint left by the previous owners, we had Menards spin the paint which they did for free.  I now have the start of white walls to my craft cave.  I must get another lamp.  It totally brightens up the place.  I wanted everything white so that I can take pictures down there.  My craft furniture and storage is mostly white.  I do not care if it is toooo much white.  I love it.

When Mom left I realized my brain had a wonderful vacation from over thinking and I am feeling pretty happy!  There is just something about having another person around helps lighten the load.  So as I look forward to a holiday weekend, I think I have enough fuel to put on a second coat of paint all by myself and maybe this time I won't get it on the bottom of my feet!

He tells me I am His own...

A hot shower wakes up my brain but sadness lingers in my soul. Songs and hymns have always chased darkness away allowing Light to enter. A split second ticks ♪ "and He walks with me and He talks with me and He tells me I am His own" ♪. How perfect!

I have Someone Who walks with me. I'm not alone! I have Someone Who talks with me. He knows my thoughts and isn't afraid! He tells me what to do even if it is to wait. I belong to to Someone. This misfit isn't an outcast! I had to pour out my gratitude to my Heavenly Father.

Dearest Heavenly Father,
This is where I struggle most.  I desire at the very least a mental soul partnership yet I am a loner.  I can't stand herds or going with the in crowd but I crave that one on one connection.  I was a melancholy until I realized that my voice needed to sing.  You brought someone into my life yet as he roves I am here alone with You.  Thank You for walking with me on my journey.  Thank You for listening and speaking.  You are comfort and peace to a heavy withering old soul.  Thank You for creating me even if everything I am doesn't fit that well.  There is a reason and a purpose for my life.  Thank You for keeping me.  You are the Great Keeper and Lover of my heart and soul.   Thank You for this blog.  I often meet You here as my thoughts form and fly out through my fingers.  Your Ways are secret and higher than mine.  I long to stop striving!  I long to simply and peacefully rest in YOUR ALMIGHTY ARMS!!!!
always Yours,
little keeper

Prayer of Salvation …

I heard this story second hand so I'll try to retell it the best that I can.

"A pastor said that no one gets saved without someone else saying a prayer for you.

A man boldly proclaimed that it was not true. He had no family nor friends that made that prayer for him.

Later when he got married his soon to to be parents-in-law welcomed him into the family by saying that they had been praying for him - the Christian man their daughter would marry."

How interesting and thought provoking!! I'm I praying for salvation for a lost dear soul that has no one else that will pray for them? I have some dear ones - lost ones. I can get weary and I must not!!!!

Contained ...

Lucy Swindoll asked her brother this question.  I saw it and thought it was an interesting question.  Of course, I love questions and I love to ask them and mostly like to hear the response.  So, I ask you - What is your favorite feeling and why?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think my favorite feeling would be 'contained'.  Maybe better words would be 'at rest', 'peaceful', 'calm', 'safe'...  I like crawling under the heavy covers and pulling them up tight to my chin or nose and turning down the dimmed lights to darkness.  I imagine God's Arm over me and everything else is shut down.  No more worries.  I can't stand drama.  It doesn't need to be that hard.  I deal with a boss that makes things bigger than they are.  I shake my head (when she isn't looking) and send a prayer.  I have a little brother that is a huge worry wort and gets dramatic about things.  I keep thinking that I have 10 years on him and maybe he will mellow out or not!  I do have those feelings of angst in me but I try to keep the outer layer calm.  I do go quiet when there is turmoil about or if I am in pain.  Keeping contained or calm is my coping mechanism.  Don't get me wrong, I am very passionate and I have some majorly strong feelings and they do walk about aloud.  I do have my moments that I am out of control.  I do think that they are less as I have grown up. {wink wink} But like we have uncovered I am still very much a girl with brainy moments.  I am a quiet person and I believe in being a good neighbor.  I have been an apartment dweller in a building of 8 where it was more like communal living.  I lived in someone's else cigarette smoke and violent rampages.  Yelling makes me shut down.  All this is what I call 'living outside your box'.  I believe the only thing you should do outside the box is creative thinking!  Yes, my favorite feeling is 'contained'.  

chaos & home sweet home!

Whew!  I am a new home owner all of three weeks plus an added bonus of a broken toe(s) or foot as well making it very difficult to unpack and carry heavy loads.  It has been hard to keep my little nose above the  chaos.

Stuff is everywhere.  There is stuff in the basement and stuff in the garage and stuff in the little room.  I wouldn't mind so much if I wasn't hobbling up and down the stairs and out into the chilly garage with a bum foot.  My foot lets me know by throwing a very hot temper tantrum.  I finally popped the blood blister but the toe nail needs to come off.  So I am in for a few more weeks of discomfort.  Oh, how did I break my toe/foot?  Well, blunt force trauma from a 20 pound frozen turkey when I tried to help and empty out the frig and freezer for the move!

Then there were the verrrrrrrrrrrry dirty carpets!  My Mom has three boy dogs and a hubby that can track up a white carpet in a jiffy and her carpets are pretty clean.  I just can't believe how many spots that should have been an easy clean was left untreated.  We are tackling the carpets which means stuff is moved about which leaves me in a state of mess.  The master bedroom carpet was majorly a mud room!  The water was sickening very dirty!  Not sure if I will sleep in there or out on the sofa tonight as the carpets dry out.

After the carpets I would like to tackle the walls with fresh coats of paint.  I want white for most of the living parts and the for the craft room and a grey for the library and for the hallways.  I would like to tackle the craft cave as my first room to complete.  I already know what I want in that room.  All the white furniture is going in there with pops of blue.  Once I get my craft room organized, I can have a place to go to when it gets overwhelming.

I know this is all good.  I have been hearing "God Will Take Care of You" on BNNRadio.org a lot this week.  It sort of made me nervous but then I just took it heart that it is God just calming me down.  Don't get me wrong, I do love this place and the chaos will pass.  This is a huge feast and I plan on not choking!  I do have lots of blessings.  I am very happy that the spots came up in the dining room and I will be happy about the bedroom carpet too.  I have a pantry!!!  I love that!  No more excuses of over buying an item of food and missing out on another.  Once glance - ok, a looooong glance - and I know what to buy at the grocery store.  My cupboards are nice and everything is organized and pretty.  I do have a few drawers to figure out and some things to decide if I really need to keep.  These things are all lovely and I am grateful for but there is something that really toppings!

I have changed wildlife for God's wildlife!  I have bunnies eating Sunday breakkie with me.  A squirrel tapped the patio door and scared me but he stayed there a bit and then scampered off.  I was so happy to have that visit.  Then Thursday morning when I opened up the house for the day, I spied a silver tan girl squirrel with a brown ombre boy squirrel drinking from the birdbath like two lovers at the soda shop!  Then of course I enjoy the robins and the cardinal couple but not so much the big black birds.  Then there is this orange butterfly that is hanging out.  I just don't understand why I am seeing this butterfly in spring when I think I should be seeing caterpillars.  Dad says you have to have butterflies before caterpillars.  Yup.  Of course there are the flowers too that is a new surprise with each bloom like gifts at your birthday party.

I have taken advantage of eating on the patio step twice now when the weather has been warm enough to enjoy.  So who needs a vacation on a secluded sandy beach somewhere warm when you have a nice little home to make your own and a nice little patio to enjoy and some nooks to make an herb garden in?

boast in the Lord...

I will extol the Lord at all times;
His Praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the Lord;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the Lord with me;
let us exhale His Name together.

I sought the Lord,
and He heard me
and He delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to Him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
He saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him
and He delivers them.


Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him.
Fear the Lord, you His saints,
for those who fear Him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

Psalms 34:1-10

Old songs straight from His Word sung from an aching heart finds healing salve of peace.

I found fear was the enemy.  Then I found that when I sought after the Lord that He heard me and calmed the fear that rages within my heart.  I made the next step to see if a dream was within my grasp but I wanted a no if this dream was going to be a nightmare after all the bells and whistles faded.  That no is more evident and I need to graciously bow out.  My Heavenly Father not only asks for me to trade my fear in for faith but asks me to rejoice no matter which way the path goes....

clip the butterfly wings...

I got to see the condo on Tuesday.  I liked it from the pictures but the pictures did not do it justice and I love it!  I won't lie but I have been daydreaming of paint colors and room schemes.  I want all the greens and beiges out of the place.  I think grey along with white should be slathered on the walls.  Then I am wondering if I can get that all done at least for the main floor before I move in and make it mine.  Sighs.

The daydreaming stops today.  Before I had let my brain race away in all the possibilities, I had asked God to say no if I couldn't do it and for me to accept it.  Well, I am 99.9% sure that it will be a no come Tuesday.  With all the upfront fees, it will wipe out my savings.  I don't think they will accept the loan for the amount I need and I could not feel safe in allowing myself no cushion.

So I must pack away the library, the patio, the kitchen, master bedroom and bath plans.  Now is the time to purge.  With all that daydreaming, I allowed the cramped space fuel the desire to get out and see if I could spread my wings.  Can you stuff butterfly wings back into the cocoon?  Nah, I don't think so.

investment vs. ball and chain...

No, I am not talking marriage here!  Marriage should never be associated with such confinement but rather should be home, a safe place.  Talking about a home and I hate to admit it but buying a home is a ball and chain.  I just don't see it any other way.

I didn't always feel like that.  My little girl dreams always had a home.  It just was a matter of fact.  That is what adults do.  They have a family and a family home.  They had a patch of land and of course, a picket fence.  Don't forget the pups.

Whoa!  My life hasn't ended up that way.  I have a single life and lifestyle.  I have just gotten to a place where I feel the money is just right.  I'm not scraping the barrel.  The groceries and the gas has gone up and yet I feel that for the most part that I can get by ok.  Yet with the rumors and the uneasiness out there, it is nice to have a cushion.  I feel like I have that.  Yes, I like to shop and my weekly shopping excursions are my only dependable social entertainment.  Of course, I not afraid to spend even though I do pretty well at pinching pennies.  I have this new feeling of being able to give money to God above and beyond my tithe.  I like this feeling a lot.  I don't want to go back.  I can't go back.

I am also feeling that Jesus is coming back soon.  Do I really need a house?  Why sock money into a house when that money could have a better use.  But then again, I don't know the time.  This world could have a few more spins around the dial even though there is a lot of shaking and rattling.  It just isn't the waters and earth giving way but governments, housing, gas, and the economies.  No body or country is immune.

I may be hitting the mid life crisis zone but I look young and feeeeeeeeeeeeel like a little girl.  Buying a house all by my lonesome is sooooooo out of my league!  I admit I am a shy one maybe not so much in my writing, but have a quiet personality and it suits me just right.  It is what makes me a goooood listener but when I have something to say aloud, I'm usually not heard or they put their own spin on what they think I am or on what I say.  I may be a first born and forge ahead on my own leaving the herds behind, but I have this strong wingman trait and it does NOT like to be a sole pilot in such huge endeavors.  Help!  This is way too much for me.

Like I said I am single and if I set down roots in brick and mortar then there are no more dreams of wings.  I have friends to the west and a couple of friends in other countries.  It would be cool to go see them if I could muster up strength in my wings.  I do admit that making a home out of a house is a dream too.  I love house magazines and blogs for color schemes, storage ideas, and layouts.  Having it become a reality is a bit scary.  I will have to make a go on my ideas and supposed talent.  I know I could never have a dream house, the house must it meet it in a general sense because this house will have to do until the end of my days.

Things have been getting a bit dicey  here in my apartment building.  Had a bad neighbor in December and things were getting bad.  I also deal with cigarette smoke getting into my home and I am allergic to it.  Then the apartment dweller below like to leave his bathroom fan on for weeks at a time and I can't stand unnecessary noise.  Besides being a crafter makes my little dwelling even smaller.  It would be nice to stretch out a bit.

My coworker who has been searching for house herself found me a house she thinks has my name all over it.  Argh!  So far she is right!  It is a condo with a garage.  It has a place for a library!!! Something I have dreamed about.  The basement is finished so it would take the place of having a cute upper floor.  I could see a craft room downstairs.  What topped it off because it was unexpected but right down my alley was the flag pole out front.

I need to get my brain and heart under the Great Shepherd's care.  The future can keep.  I must trade in the fear for trust and obedience.  God has proven Himself.  He has never forsaken me.  Not only has He been there in the little everyday things but He helped my parents with their house and He answered a big prayer of mine.  I cannot forget these answered prayers not only because they were huge but also because they are small and everyday.  He has been the Partner and the Pilot and I have been treating Him as such.  I bring things to Him.  I need to let Him drive this adventure and I just relax and go for the ride.  If I push or even if I pull (can't believe I just said pull but it is true - I can't pull back), I would usurp God's hold on my life.

Keep me safe, O God,

for in You I take refuge.

I said to the Lord,

"You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing."

~ Psalms 16: 1&2

Dear Heavenly Father,

I am going to share with my parents my feelings so that they know my fears but I will also show my Dad the link to that condo.  Most importantly You know my fears and dreams.  You know my personality and You know what I can handle.  This house might not even by mine.  You will be there in pain and in 

happiness.  Your Presence is fullness of JOY.  I must stay in Your Arms.  I am here for the ride.  I am putting in place Your Words to keep my mind stayed on You.  Thank You for keeping me.
always,
keeper

skinny comments ...

I was born skinny and have always heard the comments about my weight.  One thing that is really hard to forget was the comments at Thanksgiving.  I never was a big fan of bread.  It had its place like a sandwich or toast for a quick brekkie but at Thanksgiving I was never going to allow it to trump the good food.  I could have a nice plate full of food and even take seconds now and again but because I didn't take a biscuit my poor grandmother would go on and on about how skinny I was and why wasn't I eating.  She knew better too as she thought my father was too skinny and hauled him off to the doctor only to hear that he was fine.  Like father like daughter.

Now with 36 food allergies keeping my food intake in check, I still hear the comments.  I go to a church that likes to eat and when I don't, the ladies make comments like 'no wonder you stay skinny.'  I still have body issues like all women and feel like I have to keep my mouth shut so as not to offend anyone else but oh, I am treated like their comments don't hurt or bother me.  I am quiet person and keep my raging thoughts inside because I don't want to backbite.  Then when I am having a low day, all these little things pile up into how big of a misfit I am.

I happened across a verse in the Bible that encourages me.  You can say that it is a bit out of context but then again it really fits. I am thinking I should make up a shirt to wear on the food events at church but then again that would be too pompous of me right?

"For the Kingdom of God 

is not the matter of eating and drinking,

but of Righteousness, Peace, and JOY in the Holy Spirit."

~Romans 14:17

I know that fellowship seems to involve food but that fellowship is broken when the peace is crushed and the JOY is stolen when you make the bad choice of making a food comment that breaks a woman's heart in two.  Please fellowship with me by taking a walk and talking about God's Beautiful Handiwork.  Please fellowship with me by making something with our hands and encouraging others with homemade happiness.  Oh, how much more we all could get out of fellowship if we could get rid of the food!

Though one day I will be able to eat in fellowship with Right Ways, Peace, and JOY in the Holy Spirit and it will be all the beautiful brightly colored fruits and veggies.  I will look at you with a twinkle in my eye because truly this is my Bridal Feast and no skinny comment will hurt or break me again.

ps.  Don't get me wrong.  I am glad I am skinny but it still hurts to hear women make comments.  And I am glad you can't read my mind because as you fill your plate with four and five desserts, all I can think of is cancer...... or diabetes..... all the borrowing of health issues...... and by no means does that mean I am safe but why borrow trouble we don't have to...

Heavenly Snow in Heaven ...

sandboy: Looks soooooooooooo cold. I have to feel it before the Lord comes!! Might not be snow in heaven????


snowgirl: You are probably right about there not being snow in Heaven so you better start making plans. 

 But I have a couple wild thoughts - you know my speciality - where I see things from different sides.

 Maybe there will be snow because God describes our hearts that are cleaned through the blood of Christ as white as snow. When you you go through the dark rainy muddy days of November and see the world transform into a winter wonderland, you gave a new take on beauty.

 Another thought that is really out there is that yes, we will know things but when we get to Heaven, I think we will get to discover more and more about God. What better why to Praise God than to get excited about learning more and more about Him. If I can't continue this discovery that I so enjoy here on earth, I'm afraid that Heaven would be a bit boring and God wouldn't have that! So what does this discovery look like? God has this huge library of HIStory. Not only is it full of books for the book lovers but it is out this world state of the art multimedia room. Better than anything Apple could dream up. You know how people describe it as a tapestry and we only see one side of it … well, I think we will get to see how God wove everything together but better yet I think we can step into that HIStory and experience how all the intricate details came together. Mind blowing!!!!! I can't wait!!!!!!! We will be able to see our part of HIStory but others too and how God worked all things together. Like Abe Lincoln or King David or Queen Esther etc. So why not experience the creation of things He created like snow. Again I think enjoying the snow like walking in it or throwing a few snowballs or making snow angels or snowmen or stuffing snow playfully down the neck of a loved one is enjoying God.

 I know that it is more likely that the new earth will be like it was before the flood but this girl has some wild thoughts and can't wait to see how He will reveal Himself to us.


sandboy:  I think you are right to assume there will be exciting days with our Lord; experiencing Him dwelling in us as One. And I think there are excitingly interesting things to do and see when we go to be with Him.

He is a creator. No; better; He is the Creator of creators. So I think it's fairly safe to say He will go on creating; it's His nature and character to create.   What wonderful things will He create, and what wonderful things will we create with Him? 

Wondrous times ahead indeed!!

As a side thought, if He is revealed in creation, and Creation is an expression of Him (Rom 1:20), and He has no end, then does it suggest that there will be no end to Him expressing Himself, and so no end to His creating?

beaming {v.}

I love words.  I put certain value on certain words that I hold dearly.  So what do you do when you feel sooooooo much adoration and feeling like it is growing in the pit of your heart to the extent that you just might burst into a million little pieces?  What do you do when you want to scream "I love you" or "you are making me fall in love with you, please don't stop!" and you really can't because you are a girl and you are waiting for him to declare first?   I have been saying everything all around the those three little words but I just wanted one word because it is all I can get out and I need it to say everything...... I need it to be a word that captures a 'pictureful'.

BEAMING has to do.  It is little o' me with bright eyes like big brown stars and a magawatt smile as wide as my face. It is me bursting with a happy glow and tingly electricity pulsing through my veins.  Maybe a little nervous giggle and bashfulness like you have a secret that is just killing you to keep.... ahh, beaming should do.... pretty much my state of being

Giving and Forgiving ...

What makes life worth the living

Is our giving and forgiving;

Giving tiny bits of kindness

That will leave a JOY behind us,

And forgiving bitter trifles 

That the right word often stifles,

For the little things are bigger

Than we often stop to figure.

What makes life worth the living

Is our giving and forgiving.

~ poem written by Thomas Grant Springer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ahhh, yes!  It is those little things.... those enjoyable things.... that are soooo huge.  Like his laughter.  Like his insight.  Like his love of God.  Like his gentleness with oh so shy me.  Like his words of encouragement.  I hold those so dear in my heart....  I will forgive to have all those precious little things back ... I did and phew! my heart has grown bigger than ever .... I think I shall burst!

I will wait for you ...

If it takes forever I will wait for you

For a thousand summers I will wait for you

Till you're back beside me, till I'm holding you

Till I hear you sigh here in my arms

Anywhere you wander, anywhere you go

Every day remember how I love you so

In your heart believe what in my heart I know

That forever more I'll wait for you

The clock will tick away the hours one by one

Then the time will come when all the waiting's done

The time when you return and find me here and run

Straight to my waiting arms

If it takes forever I will wait for you

For a thousand summers I will wait for you

Till you're here beside me, till I'm touching you

And forevermore sharing your love

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I heard this songon the Lawrence Welk show tonight.  I had to search for the lyrics... and note it here.  See I waited for someone.  I didn't think he would come back and was pleasantly surprised.  Now the question to why did I wait comes up.  Hard to explain.  It does have to be the right person.  I suppose it is only right that if I truly don't understand why he went away that he won't understand totally why I stayed.  I chalk it up to God's Knowing and His Doing.  I am so grateful because God made me better through his leaving and it could be possible that the one who left needed me to wait for him.  God's Ways are a bit mysterious yet I love that about Him.  

over the wall thief ...

I know that John 10:1 is about salvation but after listening to John Bunyan's Pilgrim Progress where Christian confronted the those who had come into the fold by the wall and called them thieves, I see marriage as a sheepfold of sorts.  As always my mind had many other strands of thoughts and this struck a cord with me and connected a dangling dot.  It gave me a visual.

Marriage is scared and God ordained.  I just cannot understand why gay people want marriage.   They are already living in defiance against God according to Romans 1 so why do they feel the need for marriage?  Just live in defiance, shake your fist against God, and live together.  These days you don't really need marriage with all the living together, right?  Lets be truthful - marrying the same sex would have more of a mutinous impact, right?  Lets show God who is god!

To enter the fold of marriage though the gate is to be a Christian man and wife following God's rules.  To enter into marriage any other way is to climb over the wall like a thief trying to gain all the goodies but without rules.  Just because you are inside the walls of marriage doesn't mean God will overlook how you got in over the wall.  You will be standing there in all your thieving shame.  See, God will always have the last word.  Your dirty rotten sniff-neck obstinate will be nothing compared to the passionate heat of jealousy from the Almighty.  If only you would look deeper into God's design for marriage.  He is showing you the picture of how beautiful our relationship can be with God.  Trust Him.

Needless to say marriage is different than salvation but I see marriage as a crown to cast upon my Heavenly Savior as well as a very important mission field in these deteriorating last days.  Be encouraged this visual goes both ways.  If you have entered though the gate of marriage, what an honor to give to the King of kings.

I guess what really caught my thoughts was that if within the fold whatever the fold it might be and their is someone in there that doesn't belong it is because they are a thief. What thief would steal garbage? They are going to steal the diamonds!  And maybe that is all that needs to be said...???