maybe I am planning my midlife crisis!!!

I still have joy and I still have my lows but I have this feeling of being void or numb. I am always close to tears and feeling like I am stuck on this mouse wheel going no where. I've been looking back over my very dull year and wondering where the real highs were. There is no romance, no stimulating mind convos, no healthy social stimuli, and my passions seemed grounded upable to fly.

There I am willing myself not to cry as I have my head buried in my bed looking over my past and wondering about the future. Today leaving work I was crying. I am glad to have my job and I know every job has it bad sides but I am on this wheel and I can't get off! I would rather be at home being creative. I have got to stop waiting for someone to do life with. I also got to do something or I will be knocking on death's door with a boring life attached to my backside. I want morrrrre.

So as I was searching through what I call my life, I stumbled upon this quote: Live the life you imagined. Maybe there is something to this. So as I close out this year, I will be seeking to really live in 2008.

What is do I imagine for me? Do you really want to jump into my dark mind?

Here is a list of beginnings that I really need to follow through...
*writer - get back to being a poet, practise my story telling, really begin that book
*painter - step beyond the HT books and find my own style
*a creative - allow this child to really play in every part of my life
*organizer - let lose and really hone my home to be sleek and cozy too
*walker, dancer, 'weighter' - to feel good inside my body
*crackfiller - to be generous with my love
*joyful - training every part of me to seek Joy and be Joyful above all else

notes on encouragement ...

Just want I needed! So here are the notes I jotted down from Steven Davies' message on Encouragement/Discouragement.

ENCOURAGE= put heart in
DISCOURAGE= take heart out

causes of discouragement:
-sickness
-relationship discord
-maintaining purity in a dirty world

loss of:
-strengh
-vision
-confidence
-security

thoughts:
'God has forgotten me'
'God hides His face from me'
'God does not have the answer'
'God is gone'

---> We then begin to plan our steps instead of allowing God. We forgot that God has designed and has determined the length of our trials.

courage builders:
*encourage one another
*courage comes from instruction (Old Testament, Bible) - obedience =practise what I learned)
*courage comes from waiting on God
--->twist yourself like a grape vine aroung God!!!

highlights of 2007

* getting Tiger for my iMac
* receiving my iPod
* learning how NOT to tell others what to do! *wink*
* figuring out relationships with the 'Table epiphany'
* new job in Accounts Payable
* welcoming a new niece to our world- Lucia Irene 'peaceful light'
* recycling weekly!
* summer saturday walks!!!
* paid off Jeep
* checked out a condo! loved it...
* a shocker - am I blocking a blessing?
* Tornado hitting a small neighboring town
* being allowed to know how x is doing
* tried a big craft show - won't do it again

firsts of 2007

*1st podcast – downloading & listening – jan 14
*painted 1st pansy!
*painted 1st ‘3’ star flower – my own
*painted 1st pea pod –my own
*1st taste of agave
*1st go on citrus trees (they are naked - not sure they will survive)
*loomed 1st baby hat for Lucia for her 1st Christmas
*1st time seeing tornado damage

fav tunes of 2007

* "A Feeling like that" by Gary Allen
* ''Fall'' by Gary Allen
* "Watching Airplanes by Gary Allen
* “Need a Hand to Hold on to" by Dierks Bentley
* ''Don't Make Me" by Blake Shelby
* "Winner at a Losing Game" by Rascal Flatts
* ''Take Me There'' by Rascal Flatts
* ''If you are reading this" by Tim McGraw
***** ''More than a Memory '' by Garth Brooks
* ''Stealing Cinderella'' by Chuck Whitt (newcomer) ??
* "Let the Wind Chase You" by Trisha Yearwood w/ Keith Urban

Flashback: Imcomplete CD by Backstreet Boys
- needing to feel this deep enough to get rid of the imcomplete feelings that haunt me... will it work?

basically give me heartbreak and I will love it.

fav reads of 2007

*Quiet Leadership by David Rock
--->Lovvvvvvve this book. I am soooo sick of others telling me what to do! This little read appealed to my mind and I turned it onto myself - teaching myself how to think and do better and I hope to master the art of conversation without straying to conflict!! Top book of the year.

*The Way of the Wild Heart by John Elderidge
--->This was way better than his Wild at Heart because he offered a way through a man's path. I found it very helful even in my own girl path. Wonder if he will have a sequal to Captiviting???

*P.S. I Love You by Cecelia Ahern
--->I do watch what I read and I wasn't sure if I should partake of this one. However, I am a weird place (more on this weirdness in an entry coming soon). I want to grieve and I want to experience someone else's grief and not my own. My grief isn't a real death but rather ridding myself of feelings and wishes that need to die. The best and the saddest part of the book was the Gerry. He was a husband who was funny and could make his wife smile. I am not sure how to put it to words other than he got his role right and completed his wife - not that he made her whole but they were just great. It just makes the ache in my own heart deeper. The book is much better than the movie but they did get Gerry spot on. One thing not good about the book was the language.

*True Believer by Nicholas Sparks
---> I like reading his books to get a guys insight on relationships. His other books I've enjoyed better.

*Psalms 18
---> Do you want the guy on the white horse coming to your rescue? Read this as a damsel and see how God is the Knight in Shiny Armor. I read it when especially low.

fav movies of 2007

*August Rush & Marian Child - best tear jerkers of the year!!!
*3:10 to Yuma - best western of the year & best intense eyes
*Bourne Ultimatum - best energy adrenaline of the year (will have soar eyes and a smidge of ha after)
*No Reservation - best romantic chick flick of the year!

monthly thoughts from 2007

Jan: Be a good stewart of His Gifts
Feb: Prepare for His Abundance
Mar: Value the person - value their dreams
Apr: Am I faithful?
May: Love is chosen
Jun: 'to hear Him pass'
Jul: trust & obey
Aug: seek God & He will find you
Sep: love= waste not
Oct: it is all about today
Nov: 365 Happy Days
Dec: your value is in your smile

death or rejection ...

Having a conversation about losing your significant other to death, I do believe that life is easier to go with if you lose your SO to death than losing him to rejection. See with death you know for sure that there is etneral life and you will see him. All the memories made will still be held in beauty and revisited often with a smile shining through the tears.

With a rejection the beautiful memories made tend to turn to ash in your hands on a windy day. Really there is nothing to hold onto. Even if the other is a believer, you are diffently not sure you really want to see him. Sure I might see things with my new eyes, but I don't think anything can make coward behavior good.

what woman want ...

A thought popped into to my head the other day and it goes like this ...

If I am wanting within a relationship with a man, he ain't the one!

... whew & wow! Pretty big thought for little ol' me! Then I started to list my wants and began to realize to fight back the 'he's just not into you' and all those guys who give off mix messages with my own 'he's just not want I want'. Two can play the game.

my want list
I want :
1. to be choosen/pursued by him
2. to follow his leadership.
3. to be filled by him & to receive from him.
4. to be his beauty and know his eyes light up when I walk in the room.
5. to be rescued by him.
6. to be protected by him & know I am safe.
7. to be kept by him.
8. to hear endearments & I love you's from him.
9. to be of value to him.
10. to be needed by him.

I feel these are basic needs all women need within the agreement of marriage. And if I find that I cannot function safely within these bonds, then he ain't the one! I WILL NOT accept motley and muddled inbred messages from boys who claim they arn't into you half the time and the other half of the time want you to pant after them. I am making boys sound bad but I have had grown men, a few who were suppose to be believers and even one I really looked up to mess around without regard to my heart and I am sick of it.

Truth be told I am sick of myself who broods over all the mixed messages trying to knit together something thick enough to keep me warm. Oh, to be safe .... NOT GOING THERE! Bye! I got to go read Psalms 18! The True Knight in Shining Armor on a white horse to boot....

not my plan!

She is a teenager with child. Engaged but not married. The child is not his. Honest, she is a good girl. If it was her plan she would not be with child without being married and the child would be his. She doesn't mess around. She knows the Bible stories passed down. She seeks to please her God. But ...

He is a few years older and is engaged but she is with baby that is not his. He knows the law. He could parade her through town and then have her stoned, but he is a gentle soul and will put her away quietly. He seeks to obey his God. But...

But God wanted Mary, a virgin, to carry and bring Jesus into the world. He knew there would be talk of His Son being born of a wayward woman but see His plans are not our own. Can you imagine the glares and the fingers pointing at Mary?

But God wanted Joseph to step up and protect Mary. God wanted Joseph to father the Son who was not his own. Can you imagine the whispers and the eyes avoiding you just because you went a married a woman who was with a child not your own?

It really went deep for me this year for some reason. We think obeying and loving God is a neatly wrapped plan of doing what is right and that it will be easy. Or at least it should be! Why do we think like this? Remember God says His Plans are not our plans so we shouldn't be so surprised when His Plan asks us to obey and love God when it is not so neatly wrapped. In fact our plan is way to easy and we think we should get a ton of favor (human) heaped upon us for doing the right things. Problem - that isn't a true obedience or a true love. We need to do His Messy Wild Plan with all our obedience and love. Now that is true - when you can do it when others laugh at you and think you lost it - true love for Him ... our gift back to a God who loved us first...

Merry Christmas!

Noel {n}

= birth.

As a young girl I remember this word intriguing me. It was night time and I was in the backseat of the family car watching the Christmas nights. This word was painted white on a dark wood plate hanging by a porch light. I still see it as it is engraved deeply in my mind. I thought the word interesting yet didn't understand it. It is not a native word of the English language. It seemed French and I don't like French because they make strange sounds from letters that seem crazy to me.

(Another young memory was when Dad was giving his name and address. Our last name usually has an the letter L in it, but our family line is the only one that does not have the L. So he states his first name with two N's and his last name with no L. The lady repeats it back 'So you live on Noel street?')

Not to long ago I have come to know a man named Noel. To my surprise it is not pronouced like the Christmas Noel but like 'No' with a light L touch. He didn't seem to have a good understanding of his name. That happens if peers make fun of your name or if family use it with distain. I was frustrated by that so I set out to figure out this name for myself. To the name book I went. It means 'Birthday of the Lord'. Ok, he sould be proud of the name! Later, I found another name book (see, I am addicted to name books because I lovvvvvve words and I look up my favorite names). This name book suggested a more modern take on Noel. It was perfect! Noel = precious gift! I took this and wrote a very long letter to encourage him.

Today Noel takes on a new meaning. It is not from the French. I can't remember for sure what country, but Noel = birth. I like that especially when everything is ending. An Ending means a new beginning is there for you to begin. New birth.....

But most of all Noel is about the BIRTH of the MOST PRECIOUS GIFT ever! Have you received the BIRTH of the MOST PRECIOUS GIFT ever? Seek and He will find you. Unwrap the GIFT and HE WILL TRANSFORM YOU AND YOUR LIFE!

fierce winds ...

Wow! I awoke yesturday morning at 3:30AM to winds. I usually don't minds winds but for some reason I could not fall back to a sound sleep. Or that could be because I didn't have enough activity in my day. Whatever the case I laid there listening as the winds fingered their way over roof tiles and eaves and pounded with anger against the window panes. These winds gusted 40+ mph through out the day and through last night! The winds meanly came through every crack in my livingroom wall being it has windows and the west wall. There was no way of keeping warm but to snuggle under my burgandy red fake fur blanket.

For some reason I was ready for these winds to stop. On my trek home after church I saw two verrrrrrrrrry tall evergreens uprooted. The one was old and a bit thin for an evergreen. The other across the street from the old was also tallll but he was full and vibrant. For me I was amazed - everything but the winds where a strange quiet and stillness. There were other felled trees and broken powerlines, but no one would tend to them. You just had to make your way through another way. It was eerie. I usually don't mind the winds especially when they are way up in the tree tops. It is like feeling God sweep by and it is a comfort. But not these winds. Finally, about 6AM today, the winds finally stopped. Whew!

Matthew 8:26-27 And He saith unto them, Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then He arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm. But the men marvelled, saying, What manner of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey Him!

MarK 13:27 And then shall He send His angels, and shall gather together His elect from the four winds, from the uttermost part of the earth to the uttermost part of heaven.

No matter how fiece the winds, I know the Master of them...

trying times ...

Is it much different then in 1776?

The American Crisis - December 23, 1776.
"These are the times that try men's souls... Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph... What we obtain too cheaply, we esteem too lightly... Heaven knows how to put a price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as freedom should not be highly rated... Let it be told to the future world, that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive, that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet and to repulse it... "show your faith by your works," that God may bless you."
~ signed "Common Sense" (Thomas Paine)

We have obtain too cheaply and have esteemed too lightly. We fail faith when our hope is in man or if we have let it die. Fan the flame of faith. Hope in the Eternal. Sure it is trying times for our souls but the greatest mircles happen when we surrender all to God. Then and only then can we sit back and see His Mighty Hands at work. Most often His Plans are the hardest to wrap our feeble minds around and the hardest to dive into with obedience. Our plans are often simple and good but anyone can do good in good times. God wants us to choose Him in every time whether even or trying but most importantly during extreme times. The light is brightest and the salt more preservative.

The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.

Trust the Lord and do good! Dwell in the Lord and feed on His Faithfulness. Delight in the Lord and He will take care of your heart. Psalms 37:3&4

I saw Santa Claus ...

... riding his motorbike on the highway that runs through our town. Wow! I thought I wouldn't see anything like that here. Maybe California or the movies but not here. Today our big snow from the previous weekend has melted away. The highs are in reaching for 50's but it is soggy and grey. Guess Santa thought that he should get his motorcycle out for another spin before Old Man Winter blows into town again. It was a great sight - red hat covering his long white hair and his white beard blowing in the wind. He had a brown leather coat keeping him snug and warm. He didn't forget his red pants and black boots! It is a bummer that I left my camera at home. Anyways I would have to be a quick shot and known ahead of time.

Now why would a girl who doesn't believe in the commercializm of this holiday get a kick over a man wearing a santa suit while motorbiking? 'Cause it ain't normal and I love it when I see someone enjoy life. Pretty great to see him all decked in red on such a grey, grey day! Hats off too to those who put wreaths on their vehicles and wear santa hats while shopping. I could not do it but you make me smile. thank you!

diserned ...

Days later and I have a some disclaimer for a previous blog entry.

... rebuke one who has understanding
and he will discern knowledge.
proverbs 17:25

I really was hurt when she gave me counsel without my asking and honestly, I have felt God not take away her statement but allowed His good courage and pleasant words soak in around the hurt. I weighed what she said and stripped away everything and changed it into a question. Making it a question allows my own heart to map out what is true. In doing so I will no longer share about x aloud. I may use x in a such a way you wouldn't even know. x has given me a lot of learnings. I will not deny.

It is about not taking everything in rather be strong enough to weigh things out for yourself. Know what is true to you. Not everything out there will work for you. It is best done between you and God. He is a custom designer. You are unique. What is an opinion of another will not work for you. Do you.

Enough said! {Can't you see me with my hands on my hips, eyes ablaze, and voice quiet and intense?}

snow day!

You get use to snow reports around here. A lot of times it just means snowflakes (no accumulation). And sometimes the report of heavy snow doesn't include us because it is lake effect and we are located just a bit more south of the heavy stuff. So I tend to dismiss it until it happens. I should have known since it wasn't lake effect.

It started to snow Saturday morning. I had one more errand and I was hoping to do it before the snow fall. By the time I got around it had stopped. I ventured out. It would be a quick stop for cottege cheese, carrots, and quarters. Gotta wash clothes! When I got home and got busy with house chores, I noticed the snow began again. It hasn't stopped! Last night the flakes where huge white blobs and very heavy. This morning the snow is fine and many. No church. County under snow emergency. They want you to stay off the roads so they can clear them. Christmas is coming!

I love the snow and I especially love a snow day. A snow day is better than a normal stay in. You can do what you want well, you do have to go outside and make paths because they expect you to get back to work (grr). But having a snow day is God's way of saying it is Winter and in some ways people are a lot like bears. He wants us to have down time and snow days are great down times. And it is what you make of it. If I had a family it would be game time. But I don't so I am going to spend some time with God today and then I have painting projects to do. I would rather do some writing (this space could use some tlc) and organize some pixs. But maybe I can hope for another snow day soon. Hooray for snow. It is so peaceful and beautiful. So silent!

Shhhhh, enjoy!

gotta go...

interference ...

OOOO, had a family conversation about conflict over the Thanksgiving holiday!!!! I was actually shocked and had to pipe up. I have verrrrrrry strong feelings about conflict. Just so you understand how volatile this topic makes me lets do word association. These are the words that pop into my head when I hear the word 'conflict' = discussions, anger, out of hand, confrontation, distruction, melt down, raised voices, sweating, face flushed. All of these things I loathe. Why can't I have a discussion that uses soft words, where no one trying to be the winner or right, where there is new insights learned, and ultimately being able to walk away feeling good about yourself and about others?

I once was able to really have a happy discussion. Well, he was gone before I could figure it out but God in His wise ways brought a book into my life that changed my ways. 'Quiet Leadership' by David Rock is an excellent teacher. I have it all in my head and I use it on myself. I haven't mastered the discussion part because I really don't have a person I can practise on. I do try to phrase the questions but usually after a potential target has left the conversation.

In 'Quiet Leadership' there is an equation which goes like this performance = potential - interference. While learning a new and very difficult job this year, I saw this equation work out in my learning process. The interference was coming into play by the teacher's tone of voice as well as me striving too hard to learn everything like yesturday! The interference was hindering my ability to learn. I was breaking down in tears and frustration. I began to doubt myself and wonder if I made the wrong decision. So isn't conflict interference?

So I piped up and laid the question down. So you need conflict to change? I got a big yes from Dad. I didn't know where to go from there. It is just best to save it for here.

Dad is raising questions at work where he normally just would absorb it all. He is being confrontational and doesn't care anymore. He says he is retiring in the near future so what does he have to loose? If he can see how something can better a different way than what was always done, then he is going to say something. I must say that I have noticed his mood is more upbeat. He doesn't seem to be fighting that ever present depression. I have to say it is good for Dad to pack a bit of heat and not be afraid of conflict. Conflict is good for Dad's voice. I just see it a different way.

First I do need to have a disclaimer. If something isn't working, change it. However, I do not like conflict. I hate it. I don't do change well either unless it makes a job easier and more efficient. Ok, now on with my beef with conflict...

Take a hockey team. In order to make a goal, you must take out the interference. The defense cannot put the whole team in just to interfer with the goal making! That would be major penalty box time. Not into sports? Take the radio. You have to take out the static to hear the music. I cannot do conflict. I have interior melt down so bad that you can see it come through me with my blushed cheeks and sweat. I have massive urges to run. It does not serve me well to have conflict.

It is honorable for a man to stop striving,
since any fool can start a quarrel.
Prov 20:3

Make no friendship with an anger man,
and with a furious man do not go.
Lest you learn his ways
and set a snare for your soul.
Prov22:24-25

... do not associate with those given to change.
Prov 24:21

It all could be just the word conflict and what I associate with it. But my personal truth is to take out the interference and interference looks like striving, conflict, anger. To me taking out striving, conflict, and anger enables my best and that really means change for the better. I just want to do it without conflict.

counselor of decit or of peace?

All I was doing was sharing God-Moments but in reality I was giving away pearls to pigs! I did not go to her for help so why did she interupt me with her own brand of wisdom? ARgh! This time the pearl was toooooo precious and I've made some ultimatums. Yes, making an ultimatum is very drastic but when it happens time and time again, I will protect heart because no one else will.

Even though she hurt me with her counsel, I can't help but wonder if God was trying to get my attention. However as I stood there listening to her go on and the hot tears building up in the back of my eyes, my heart was screaming that I have been paying very close attention to what God might have me do so how can this tidbit - DON'T BLOCK THE BLESSING- be what I was to hear and do in my life?

I had to get some help so I went to Proverbs. These words grabbed my attention - counselors of peace have joy. Hmmmm, this self-proclaimed counselor did not give me peace rather she jumped at me with her 'help' from her 'idea' of what was going on in my life. She didn't listen. I was not there to get help. Her kind of wisdom aways errs on caution and discouragement. Never ever has she erred on good courage or good words. I should know! Like when I was trying to decide weather or not to take the AP job, all she could do was discourage me. She is HR so you kind of have to get a feel of what is happening and she is the one to know. She is not a counselor of peace. She brings discord.

I happen to have a passion for words and with that I am sensitive to the tone wheather written or spoken. When I am distressed I often recall God's Word where it takes about being of good courage or where a good word will left an anxious heart. So why is it ok to bring caution and discouragement in your counsel? I know there is a place for rebuke but where? Shouldn't that be reserved for the wrong doer? Not for seeking counsel...

I only gave you part of the verse because I first didn't know what to do with the first half, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that hmmmm, I should take a deeper look. Proverbs has a lot of contrasts or opposites. Here is the opposite of the counselor of peace - deceit is in the heart of those who devise evil! Whoa! See why I didn't understand? If your counsel isn't taken from the place of joy then it isn't peaceful. In fact you have left desolation! If you don't give peace, you are giving decit! That is huge! But as I have been digesting what happened, I do see decit. She closed her ears to the full story. There was no questions only telling me from little she could interupt. Then she whammed me with her own verbage. I am a different story. She is not the author. She doesn't know the workings of God in my life. She didn't even listen for that and she is a fellow believer to boot. You really deceive others when you try to put your own learnings into someone else's life and it is evil! Scary!!!!

I just stood there with who knows what staring from my eyes. I could not say a word back to her. After the fact I so what to tell her to stop it. I have been practising the good words to use then I realized that if God told Moses he could speak because God would give him the words and I think it was Paul who says not to practise your speech but to let God speak through you, then why can't I speak out when someone is hurting me or possibly erring...?

Funny, I am trying to discern her judgement and see if I am blocking the blessing but since Wednesday I've heard two broadcasts on good words and critisim in the church. Maybe God is trying to negate her counsel or maybe He is trying to give me pictures of Wise and evil Counsel... all a Mystery .... unfolding...

Deceit is in the heart of those who devise evil, but counselors of peace have joy.
Proverbs 12:20

Yikes! I have put ultimatums in place and as I have, I feel like I am living a bad attitude! Is it ok to put my pearls away and live my life full and happy and yet save a soft place for x? Don't you wish you could know if you will be single for the rest of your life? Maybe if you know, you can let go of the baggage of not being chosen or maybe you would give up because you mattered to no one ...

Enough! I say, enough!!! (as this leaves a crazy smirk on my face. why? I haven't a clue! total nutter I guess)

harvest of blessing...

I stumbled upon the 10/10/05 email. It is his second rejection letter ... then back when I read it the first time, I thought I saw him coming back. Well, today I rediscovered it and felt his rejection of me all over again. With all this time since, I guess it made it more clear. I was too much and not enough wrapped up all in one. If he has hurt me, than so be it. He has to have anti-social behavior to recharge...

I promised myself that my free Friday would be spent getting birthday and christmas things done. I would not feel lonely or cry. ARgh! Why did I reread that email? Never the less, I was hear in a puddle of tears. What a sap I am! I cried my bitter tears to God - angered that I was ruining my day.

I love God so much because He always whispers to me enabling me to carry on. His whisper was Galations 6:9:

Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest of blessing.

Ok, I will keep my channel open to him and I will bathe him in prayer. I will keep doing the good ... It is still a mystery but God whispered and peace came into my heart... I wonder what God is up too...

pleasant words ...

I have such a hard time with my words when I feel that I am not being heard. I have this one person that I dread dealing with because no matter how hard I try to be pleasant and smile full, I get caught with my words being a bit more hard than I would want. Today I ended up with egg on my face and trying to figure out how to deal with being in a pinch. Help!!!

When I am scream help, I turn to God's word. I turn to Proverbs a lot when I need a simple guide to get through the daily dealings with people. I needed something about words. I hoped that I had something underlined and ready for a quick scan to calm my achy heart. Proverbs 16:26 came into view.

What are pleasant words?
- sweet and healthy

What parts of the body does pleasant words affect?
- It touches your very core with sweetness and travels to your very outer part with health. It washes over your whole being.

What if you find someone too hard for you to give pleasant words to?
- Do it for yourself! Use pleasant words so that you can benefit from it!

'Pleasant words are like a honeycomb,
sweetness to the soul
& health to the bones.'
-Prv 16:26

Will will find me talking back this verse, as well as trying on a whole of smiles and trying to be lighthearted. I am seeking God on this and I know He will find me...

mmmm snow!!!

The snow is falling so quietly and steady. It began about 7PM and it doesn't look like will stop anytime soon. Yeah!!!! It looks like it will tuck in the grass blades and it just might stick around for more than a day or two!!! Ahhh, this is the moment I would love to share it with someone special. I would turn out the lights and maybe have a candle or two instead. I would capture him and make him sit with me under the covers. He would have to hold my cold hands to keep me warm and toasted. We might share a few words to wind down our day or maybe we would fall silent in awe of God's smallest wonder in bulk! As my mind wondered away, my soul reminded me that it doesn't matter if I could not share it with someone so far but that God was sharing this first significant snowfall with me and I could enjoy it with Him. Ahhhhhhh! A sad happy smile envelopes my face...

no more craft shows ...

Zippo. El fin. No more, no more. I have done 3 'explicative' craft shows. All have broken my heart. This is the last straw. I will not waste my time, my passion, my love on these 'shows'. I paid $55 to this show that is well known christmas stop for unique gifts. I sold 5 items to the amount of $35 dollars. This is pennies compared to the show in the spring that was a new one and very few people showed up and where I sold 12 items for the tune of $155. Again I say no more.

I know I mentally hope for huge dreams and every time they burst like a broken ornament pieces so fine and dust like you know you can never clean up all the pieces. As I process this, I have a new and a better fitting goal. I hope that to my family and those who will ask how it went that I don't sound bitter but I am! They are the ones that keep saying that I should go into business and do this. Sorry, can't went it wouldn't even feed me let alone give me a roof over my head. I do hope I sound joyful and hopeful because that is still there. This desire to paint started when I was a child and those are the dreams to keep. However, I have other dreams that are getting crowded and I cannot let that happen.

Fact - What went right? Mom helping me this time. It is such a help to have someone to this with. I was able to this big show and now I know that it isn't any better than a small one. I needed to know. I tried and now it is time to regoal.

Emotions - What are the positive feelings? I love completing new things or trying new things like the 15 piggy banks and the Snowie ornaments I tried. Pretty fun.

Encouragement - Wellllll, I did get a lot of 'oh, how pretty. Who is the artist?' Still doesn't fix the boxes of unchoosen glass that is in my kitchen. What personal encouragement can I give myself? Painting was something I wanted to since childhood and I will keep painting because it feels good to me.

Learning - What have I learned? - I have learned that what I do is more art than craft and it doesn't do well in a craft show.

Implications - I am 'downsizing'. Meaning all glass will be spoken for and I will allow myself 5 new pieces that I must sell or gift before I can paint more.

New Goal - Downsizing will allow me to be even more push to give or present my art with more flare. As I am trying to be creative on getting rid of the boxes of glass, I see that I am going more on the details which is exciting. ie: I have two christmas vases done on blue glass. What if I took it into the floral shop and ask them to use the vase to make an arrangement to send to someone????

I know I have some bitter, some anger, some sadness going on in my heart. I don't want to be ungrateful but I have allllll kinds of emotions that I have felt Saturday. I don't think I am wrong because I felt these feelings. Plus, I am moving unto new goals and not staying stuck in bitter. Just because I am solid on no more shows doesn't mean I am saying no more painting. You should hear others when they respond to my answer to 'Did you have a good show?' I swear they do not listen and jump down my throat! Oh well, I say you do it. Stop telling me how to run my dream!!!! Yikes, I know settle down ol girl, settle down. I just need a hug! {smiles}

crowed mind ...

I have a hot topic brewing in my from the weekend and wanted to digest it here this past Sunday. Even though this issue can put me to a boil other things have crowed in and taken over mind space!

I have a major prayer request for a step-dad in the hospital for unknown pain...

then I have a huge craft show on Saturday that I am nervous and excited about. I am so thankful Mom will be doing this with me. I've been painting every evening and with my day off today, I have a few odds and ends to finish off. Early start for me tomorrow. Ugh! So to bed early tonight? I hope.

No matter if this is a success or a bust, I will focus on enjoying every minute with Mom...

See you on the flip side ...

maybe I will find the time to wash clothes and decorate for Christmas! Ahhh, maybe a glass clutter free kitchen???? toooo much on my list... still not going to allow the enemy to steal my joy! he is thief, you know...

to be your friend ...

Dear Precious Gift,
I choose to be your friend whether you choose me back or not! It was confirmed once again to my heart last night.

I thanked God for you after our first meeting and have enjoyed our talks ever since. It seemed you cared back. I still have the memories. I cannot nor will I lean on my own understandings because it leaves me waffling back and forth wondering what I meant to you. I choose faith that the good work God has begun in you will continue until we meet again and not fear of rejection and aloneness. I choose faith that God will chase you down with the Joy that is only found in Him and not fear that the melchoney will take root in your heart. I choose faith that God will show you trust and not fear that you will never know how sure it is. I choose faith that God will hedge you in and protect you from the enemy who is a thief. I shall not fear.

So be gone forever but it is God Who whispers to my heart and directs my paths. He seems to be telling me to stay your friend and work it out in prayer. You can throw away friends but you cannot throw away a prayer warrior! Too stealth! Too powerful! I may never know the power of prayer here on earth when it comes to saving a soul from danger but when Heaven opens wide the annuals of history, I will trace my prayers and bow in awe of God and His Awesomeness...

Don't get me wrong, I see my talks with God every day that help me through and I am brought low. But when it comes to prayer for others, they never let me in to see. I am cursed that way. Like in the Wonderful Life when they prayed for George, I shall see God's Handiwork first hand one day in your life.

Shhh, my mind. Shhh, my heart and soul. Hide away. Hide away.....
always here - waiting for your final 'I'm back' ...,
a keeper

renewing the mind ...

Back in 2003 I had some catch phrases for myself to get through my job loss.

*more not less
*better not bitter


I've added some new catch phrases in the past few days to acheive some growth in the area of my space where it is physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. Right now I am looking to clear out my physical space. I really don't want to deal with the emotional or mental space. Ok, I admit - I do have some dark murky black holes in that mind and heart of mine! Here are my catch phrases:

*fleeting or abiding?
*waste or treasure?
*clutter or freedom?
*idol or tool?

I have choosen to ask myself these questions instead of using a statement form. I do this when at the store or when I am looking about my house. I see small improvements. I have experienced a small bit of freedom. I can't wait to wow Mom someday. I'll have her come over and I wait her to say 'somebody rob you?'

Then I shall say 'Nope, I put a stop to the thief and this is the result! Well, I allowed God to be my strong man. I am too weak'

turning of the leaves ...

It has been a wild ride for the leaves this week! It is the end of November and the usual is grey on black. Naked black trees standing against grey mist. This year summer pushed way into fall. The early trees have dropped their leaves but the stragglers were still holding on until Wednesday where it was raining buckets. While crushing numbers to get vendors paid you could hear the study hard rains. A rough go driving home. The leaves could not hold on any more. Thursday dawned a simple weather day until the evening where the snowflakes started fly. A nice soft blanket was there Friday morning. Nothing to keep it but a nice changing of seasons. Winter is here!!!

August Rush ...

Excellent Movie!!!! A resounding 10! A must see.

This will appeal to any music fan especially to the ones who hear the music everywhere. But to all who believe that your passions is a GIFT and that you must use this GIFT at all cost or that this GIFT is better than food or if this GIFT is your breath and life, you will absolutely applude this movie. Again a tear jerker!

I loved how the creator of this movie showed how the gift of music was passed from your family to you and how it connects you to them even if you are ripped away from them and how it will bring you back them.

In my own life I look at your passions and dreams with such awe. I have supported and cheered on a loved one. I don't know my impact. He has stepped out and this movie made me cry in sadness of me losing out on knowing his progress and I shed tears of knowing that these passions and dreams will take him far and wide in his life journey. God has His way and is stronger and more abundant in His dealings with this he. He is good Hands. Tears of knowing...

We are given gifts. They lie in our passions and dreams. How passionate are you to live out these dreams? Gotta do more than eating or breathing? If no, shouldn't you? Go be moved by August Rush. Make it happen in your own life!!!!!

Dear Precious Gift,

I thank my God every time I remember you which is often. I hate to admit how often! In all my prayers for you, I pray for JOY to envade your life. I pray with JOY because of your partnership in the saving gospel. We are believers and that is an language all its own. I am so confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it onto completion. What a day of rejoicing that will be on Heaven's shore! It is right for me to feel this way about you since I have you in my heart for you share in God's favor as do I.

This is is my prayer: that your love, joy, faith, and trust may abound more and more in the knowledge and depth of insight of God. Simply that you fall deeper and deeper in love with God so that you may be able to discern what is best and pure so that you are fiercely blameless before your King.

Recalling your dreams and even your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with JOY. Yes JOY, I have been reminded of your sincere faith which you have shared with me. What an inspiration you have been to me! What memories! Loved it all. For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God which is consuming and so freeing. Whew! For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline. Simply a overflowing joyful abundant everlasting life!!!!

You are a child of the Most High God. You are created and designed by Hands who bare your name. You are a Precious Gift.

always your prayer warrior and this is Holy ground
keeper

found encouragement of same thoughts as Paul in his letters recorded in Philippians 1:3-11 &II Timothy 1:3-9

my thank yous 07

* my family * As I anticipate sitting down at the table looking at each one and marveling how well we are woven together making a creative and unique group. * my parents * They are soooo supportive and there for me. They give me sooo much love. Huge thank you for being available when my Jeep's battery died! * my puppers!!! * They get soooo excited to see me and can't get enough of me. When they do settle down it, it is right beside me. Andy loves a goooood chest rub or an ear scatch. Bobby loves a total body rub down. * my precious gift* He is a memory that I hope does not fade. He has been a dear kinship and has great influence upon my mind and soul. No wonder I miss him and don't feel like I can let go. I do wish for a homecoming but thankful for him none-the-less. * my home* It is a retreat where I can be me. I'm learning to make better a small space. I have an abundance and it is time to trim down the clutter and feel a newness and a freedom. I am up for the challenge. * condo dream * Way to much money but has given me inspiration to make way for soup suppers invites. My apartment can be my art studio and a classic cafe to invite another to sup with me. * my desire to paint, write, and organize * This is my excitement and inspiration - my life. * 'Quiet Leadership' * It has opened up to me the way to generate depth of talk with someone without getting into an anger fit. It has enhanced my own 'table epiphany'. * my Heavenly Father * He is the greatest Teacher. He has a gentleness about Him that makes me great. I've learned great lessons this year all around what a relationship means. I call it 'table epiphany' which means you have only what is brought to the table to work with. * my summer Saturday walks * At the beginning it is hard to do for shy reasons but once I get into the routine, I get selfish and sad when I can't do it. * feeling more settled about food * After changing my food around due to severe HA's, I felt really messed up. Reading all the zone books and practising it in my life still didn't cover my weakness of treat binging. Time has helped me stop this bad habit. I avoid these treats too! I still felt something missing and read another book called Fiber 35 ( I think ). I have added more fiber and I can tell! I especially need it because of the family history on Mom's side. I just feel soooo much more satisfied with my eating. Have found success with one baking recipe. It isn't ready to share just yet but give me one more go and it should be. Will be trying a cheese cake soon. * my table epiphany * I don't give up. In a way you can say I've given up because if I linger on it, it feels that way. Really, I've made peace with relationships. I understand more fully that a relationship is only what is brought to the table. Nothing hidden underneath or forgotten. It is like packing for a picnic and somethings you have to be the one to bring everything and the kitchen sink. Or you have to be creative with what you have. Simply it is enjoying what was brought and enjoy the company. * my new job * It is hard work but I have invited God to help me when I am struggling and I thank Him when the way opens up! Amazing lesson! * learning he has a new job * I have had no answer to what was happening in his life. I knew he was struggling with 2 bit jobs and life pressures. God gave me a small answer and I am thankful to still be a prayer warrior. I still can cheer him on!

Huge Hug to You, Heavenly Father!
The hugest wow for me is my love for You is deeper and richer. I like this LOVE feeling that comes from really digging into Your Word. I am still learning NOT to lean on my own understanding. I am learning to really trust You by not trusting man. You said 'cursed is the one who trusts in man'. It is making soul sence.

I do have abundance and I do feel the overflowing joy in my life. It is amazing to feel it even when a burden or two that tug at me. I do feel like exploding!
always learning
your little girl

wonderings

Heavenly Father,
I wonder what work You are doing in a man's life. I wonder what new things he is learning. I wonder if he has found relief in his work. I wonder if he valuing his design. I wonder if he is making time for a day of rest with You. I wonder if he has tackled this anger thing he thinks he has. I wonder if his thoughts stray to our many conversations. I wonder if he really ever like me like his emails and voice said. I wonder if I really mattered to him. I wonder if he ever goes back over all the snail mails I sent. I wonder if I ever encouraged him. I wonder if he thinks of me...

I believer Your Sovereign Power works in him. I try to be patient. I want to honor Your answer to what he is up too. I am very contented that he is in Your Hands. I can't wait for the unveiling.
always yours

God, I have a question...
It seems that a person's best time is when they fall in love and become parents. Then you hear about the 40's being the new 30 and the 50's being the new 40's. Then it seems to quiet after that. What about the 70's, 80's, & 90's? Shouldn't this be the best of times? I worry. I am still single. I don't hear the mother call. I am afraid that single will be permante. I long for a teamship with another and You at the core but I fear it with and can't explain it... I want every part of my life to be the best times...
always wondering

yellow phase ...

The yesturday was grey and was tempted to rain but didn't. Driving around on my errands found my eyes attracted to lawns decked out in yellow leaves. The houses lining the roads took on a new brighter look. Houses painted in a Victorian rust or the brown brick looked the best. It is amazing what a change of color can do to change up things from the summer green. Soon all the leaves will be swept up and set a blaze (grrr) or taken away and the earth will change into drabby rain grey. I will be wishing for snow, but now is the time to enjoy the cheery yellow leaves...

mellifluous {adj}

' sweet sounding, honeyed, mellow, soft. liquid, silvery, soothing, rich, smooth, euphonious, harmonious, tuneful, musical '

There is a blogger who has a way with words but she uses words I never heard of and I am always doing the dictionary thing to find out what it means. I am not sure how this one is pronounced and am afraid to try it on my own tongue for fear I won't like the sound of it or that it won't do it justice. If it passes my ear test, this word just might become a pet word of mine. I certainly want my life to model it. I definately dislike strongly its antonym cacophonous which means noisy, loud, ear splitting, raucous, discordant, jarring, grating, inharmonious, unmelodious, unmusical, and tuneless.

scripture soak ...

I heard a story about Vietnam POW's who decided to write down all the Bible verses they knew between them so they could have some scriptures since they had no Bible. They were dismayed by how little they had.

I didn't memorize Bible scriptures when I was little and lately I have been putting verses that touch me in some way on 3x3 cards and carry them with me everywhere to go over in the small open spaces of my life as a way to hide away God's Word in my hart. In the morning I try sing hymns and recite verses. During the day I hum a hymn that always haunts the corner of my heart. I have always felt the need to hide the Word in my heart. I try harder these days.

What fun it would be to bring the young ones close opening the Bible and having them discover the Wonders and Mysteries of God! What fun it would be to get them all excited and prepare them to recite their favorite Scriptures to the family! Since I am a family of one, I shall do attempt to begin the ritual with God.

anti self help ...

Did you realize that 'self help' is anti-faith in God? The absolute ground work in a believer is admitting your HELPLESSNESS.

WOW! I wasted all my twenties in self help books. For my defense I had no clue what I was doing. I didn't mean to be faithless. I was tired of not fitting in with others. I am pretty dense because it I wasn't going no where but down and it took God taking my job away from me. I was left reeling but through it all God packed the Joy.

I am renewed every day with Joy and it is ever deeper with each moment. I must admit I am very helpless and very dependant on God. I choose to depend on God in the good times and bad. I give Him my gratitude for all the things I enjoy and I ask for for help when I just can't figure things out. My job fits me and yet I am overwhelmed. It is ok because it God and me and that makes things good. I am learning to bring God into my paint and my writing. I already see the world differently; it brings me closer to the Creator. However, I feel stuck in my passions. I need to bring it all to God and make sure He is my partnership. I want to experience my dreams exploding into Joy...

love letters ...

Oprah had a couple on today who wrote to each other every single day of their marriage so much so that they have 105lbs of letters! Oh, how I love that. But then again my love language is words.

Their letters consisted of 3 things:
1. How do I feel today
2. I love you because
3. a question <- they both answered the same question and would talk about it.

Ahhh, how I miss my Precious Gift. We were doing the question thing a loud. I ate it up. {sniffles}

found him!

I have been googling him to see if anything should come up like a blog. We were going to write together, so just maybe he would create a blog or something. Last month I noticed he wasn't in the online phone book, so I figured he moved. With what little I had to go on, I figured he moved back to the family farm. He didn't want that. Tonight I tried it again.

I found something with his name and something about a house. It wasn't in the same town as he was in before but who knows, lets give it a whirl. Hmm, real estate! It is a house for sale with pictures. Ok, strange. Then I scroll down and there is a picture with his name and contact info if you want to buy the house. The picture kinda looks like him. I pull out his picture. Can't tell for sure for sure. It seems like him. An instant thought came. Check to see if his mobil is the same! Yes!

I sent him a congrats on his new job. In our talks he told me he was a salesman inside. I am so happy for him. I doubt that I will get a response back. So no matter I am taking this as an answered prayer. I have been praying for Joy to hound him like it had tackled me. All I can pray for is what I know. I would tell God that He was all seeing and knew him better than what I could now. I didn't make a specific request but I did want to know how he was doing. God allowed me a peek in and I thank Him for that small answer. I've got a bit more to go on now when I pray him. I still miss him but I've got my prayers and that will have to do. Jehovah Jireh - the Lord provideth.

a hireling ...

I was listening to an audio book called 'Brother Andrew'. It is about a missionay who made trips behind the iron curtain to distribute Bibles. We were in Chapter 11 and my 'motives' were tested!

While in Cuba Brother Andrew is telling those Christians who wanted to get away from the persecution and go to the US not to. He used the passage in John 10 verses 12 & 13 as his back up. A believer is like a shephard. You stay with the sheep. You stay in the country and be the light and the salt there. If you leave, then you are a hireling.

'But a hireling, he who is not the shephard, one who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees; and the wolf catches the sheep and scatters them. A hireling flees because he is a hireling and does not care about the sheep.'

Brother Andrew felt that a believer who left because of persecution would have no divine protection any more and end up losing faith in God because of material things. When he put it like that, I was moved to tears. I had wanted a dear friend to come to my country for a bit of rest in 'hothouse faith'. I wanted him to get away from the pressures he was experiencing and rest up on all the faith stuff here. I wanted him meet my mom. My mom has a special way about her and I knew it would do him good. Now I have to take all that back. He is the salt and light in his own country! I cannot be selfish and take him away from that. He has kids and other family members who need salvation. God will protect his heart and soul. God always provide what we need even during suffering...

Are you a hireling? Are you there for your family? friends? Are you salt and light at work? home?

diseased ...

part I
I've caught his disease and I am madder than mad. Even though we had a developing relationship, we talked about his distrust issues and the cause and inwardly knew he did not trust me. Would he ever? I thought it possible. But now that he took off with out verbal reasons, I am facing distrust issues in my own life. I am aware so I hope I don't turn fully into this dehumanizing disease.

I was a girl who never was picked for marriage and still waiting. He was a guy pushed into a marriage and it fell apart. Maybe we could figure this out. No matter how good the talks and feelings were, he always had the bottom line of him being single the rest of his days. He even talked about being in the nursing home age tormenting others with his thoughts. I would cringe. I would never tell him but I thought and had talked long talks with God that we were something together.

Now with three years under my belt of being turned out without a clue, I distrust probably my own thoughts and feelings a bit more than any guy who would even try to get close to this (points finger to self). I've had it. I still want someone but I don't want to go through it again...

part II
She is shy and many who look upon her thinks she is doe like and very skittish. That is probably very accurate. Her eyes are woeful brown and tell many of her secrets like fear. Many conclude it to be distrust. If you are patient and don't come at her full force, you are rewarded. She isn't half bad and is very loyal. She will talk and she is friendly.

In her post college days there was this boy four years her younger who seemed to take notice of her. He would stare at her. Her parents told her she was too aloof. She didn't know what to do. She tried not to run. He never made the attempt. Even after he got married, she would keep catching him looking her way. Frustration built up. She talked about this years later to a guy who might give her understanding. He just said that this boy wasn't strong enough for her. She desired and deserved someone strong enough to get past her shyness. Ok, she thought. Was that consolation? She wasn't sure.

Then something in her early thirties a guy from church who would be considered a high school classmate even though he was either a year or two ahead of her decided to ask her out. He first came up and said hi ignoring her little brother. Little bro wasn't too happy and neither was she. He later called and she declined and that was the end of that. To her defence she knew of him. He was a son to acquaintances of my parents. She was not in his circle of friends and their paths never crossed during those school years. So for him to come up to her basically a total stranger, he really messed up by not taking the stranger out of the equation.

By mere chance she stumbled upon a really cool guy in a chatroom and developed a relationship - a good 3 years worth. Might not seem like a lot but they cut to the bare bones and wern't afraid to be deep with each other. Then as quickly as it came he left. She has been trying to disintangle herself but finding it impossible.

Recently another guy from church has begun his greetings again. It started a bit before the online friend. When visiting the church her middle bro stated that this guy was a classmate of his which makes him two years younger than her. He was married at one time; he has two kids. He is good looking. She just doesn't want to care. However, he is calling out hi and attaching her name. She attempts to be friendly and goes on. He had to get her name from somewhere. They never made introductions. Most likely he got it from the yearbook like she had to, but she was trying to place his face and to try remember him and nope, don't remember. What is so wild is that discomfort is her main feeling whenever he says hi. You can see her mentally talking herself into putting him in the just friendly box. If only she could have had a repreave during the week! No, Friday comes along and she is off at Walmart getting lotion, no sugar added grape juice, and prune juice that she can't get at her favorite store. She is in one of the quicky lines at the exit. While she is waiting next in line, she looks up. He comes walking in with his daughter. If you could of seen her face, her countance dropped and looked away putting her items on the counter. Instead of walking over to the entrance lane, he comes walking right by her in the checkout lane, says hi and how are you doing. She was so frustrated and beside herself with nerves, she picked up her bag and tore out of the store. Only to realize later that only two items where in her bag instead of the three. Argh! After telling her tale to a co-worker, co-walker said he is just being friendly. She still distrusts and it is in the ugly stage. She isn't just shy any more. Trust isn't a strong suite anymore. Too much heart break and she has had enough of that.

part III
Final thoughts....
If he should ask you out and you don't feel right, just say no thank you. Do not back it up with a reason even if he should ask for one. Giving a reason or a defense for not going out with him, subconsciously says you are trying to either change him or yourself. Big NO-NO. You cannot save, fix, or change another human being.

If you don't want this, don't get sucked into being nice. Be friendly yes but do not try to make it work in your head or your heart. Girls hurt themselves more than any guy. So don't overthink this stuff. Keep it simple. You have known what you want and you will know him when he walks in. Remember where your heartbreak is. Protect it all cost. No matter if you never find that one guy that gives you special attention, just keep reading Psalms 18. God is your Knight on a white horse...

where your heart breaks ...

My heart breaks right where I desire to have a bit of attention, to be valued, to be adored, to be loved. I don't need a stage with a huge spotlight. I am a shrinking violet type. No, I rather have a bit of starlight and pixie dust. And before you think I am off my rocker. Everyone's heart breaks for a bit of attention.

I have described this danger before as my tipping point and that still stands. Right where that need and desire to be liked is where I found myself tipping and finally falling off my place of faith. My biggest sin happens here. My biggest cry happens here. My biggest anger happens here. My biggest fear happens here. My biggest melancholy happens here. My biggest angst happens here. My biggest heartbreak happens here. My biggest torment happens here. And before you think you never, you too tip and fall here in this pit of attention aspiration.

My sin will look different than yours and you could go for years not thinking you will ever tip in your faith. It is important to explore attention needs and figure out what will make you tip and fortify yourself in filling up your love tank in the faith ways. There will be great times of lack. Desert times where living water will be scarce. You never want your desert time to be a wondering in the wilderness. Wondering in the wilderness comes because you lack faith. Desert times comes when God is strength training you. Know the difference. Are you plugged into the Living Water? Are you ready for when the heat comes?

This is what the Lord says: 'Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the Stream. It does not fear when the heat comes; it leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.'
Jeremiah 17:5-8

I wish that I would have been stronger and not tipped. I had a little bit of weight but I should have lifted more. As the years come and go from the fall, my wounds have healed and I have found to my greatest surprise is that I have fallen in love with God and I want to fall deeper. I used to feel dried up. I don't anymore. Where the heart breaks is still there and I am very aware of it. Yet, I don't feel so driven. I am more relaxed. Lonliness still perches heavily at times. When I droop and yellow, I go to the Stream of Living Waters. I talk back the Truths to the negatives and boost my faith by turning my face to my Knight on the White Horse (Psalms 18). Fairytales are true. Happy endings are authentic. Beauty can come from ashes.

My heart break will always be with me. It is my best teacher in being human and being God's beloved. It is also deep and I have more learning to go...

Hurricane Noel ...

She perked at this name when it was just a little storm two weeks ago. She used to know the silent he who lives downunder. He has never left her thoughts and she doesn't need another reminder.

Noel wreaked and brouhgt a lot of woes in his path down in the tropics before he became a hurricane and when up the East coast of the US. She doesn't like precious names used in storm naming. She remember her own named used in a cyclone touching his land and wondered if he thought of her. At that time she hoped it was good thoughts. Now that his name became a storm, she acknowledges he fizzled out and spun off into the unknown deep ...

wounded ...

She is there clutching her chest. Pain is sharp and dull at the same time. Breath short. Skin overheated. Cries overflow the soul. Teeth grit. Sometimes there is a void. She feels the dull steal over her. No matter. Her heart is broken in bits. She knows the steal will pour in and she doesn't want it. She rather have her heart fleshy and raw but does it ever hurt.

She is solid. She is tancious. She is strong willed. She is stubborn. She is a misfit. She is a half wondering if that is all there is. She is home. She is always here. He was always saying 'I'm back'. His son echos these same words. She shakes her head and the tears steal down her cheek every time a song hits home and there is a lot of that in country and enrique. She growls and tries to right herself... She gives in and goes to the Healer.

He has strong hands as He leads her into His office. It is a soothing sky blue and white clouds. She feels a slight numb as she floats into a conscious sleep. Here His whispers reminds her of her purpose and the dreams created for her to give. The Joy comes back and through the fog she feels the tingle begin to stream through her. It feels like strength. Her heart begins to throb. All too soon He begins to wake her.

Her hand reaches for her heart. It is there beating normal. No jagged bits. She looks into the Healer's eyes. Warmth and delight oozed over the brim of inner being. A smile popped and her eyes beamed. Wow!

"You will feel tender places in your heart. A wound healed doesn't mean you won't feel old pains again. It is a reminder of where you have been and where you want to go. It reasures you to go for the best and not settle for less. You just might break your heart again and don't be afraid of that. I made your heart soft and piable. Keep it that way. I made it so that your heart can break so that you will know love and joy that are both real and hard work. I am a Heart Healer. I mend and tend to your every care and need. I know how much you can handle and when you are overwhelmed, I sustain you. I am your God, your El Shaddai."

He heals the broken hearted & binds up their wounds. Psalms 147:30

longsuffering and kind ...

If you have read the previous entries, you would think I am having a break down. Not! I am exploring my dark feelings yet feeling pretty sunny. This week a radio speaker was talking about love being an action. (my soapbox scraps along the wooden floor, I jump on and yell here, here!) He lingered on love being longsuffering and kind (I Cor 13). It is like a reminder to me that even as I was left and he high tailed it out of my life most likely to lick his life-wounds, that I must be patient and kind if I truly love him like I think I do.

When I hear patient, I go to James 1:4 where it says 'let patience have its perfect work'. Often reading James you think of temptation - the bad kind like one of the obvious sins not the sin of going in head long without regard. I picture a horse on edge breaking through at the starting line before all the other horses. Ok yes, he isn't here for me to get all impatient with but it is a reminder to be patient as I pray to God for him and about him. If I love him no matter if he returns or not, I must love in my action with longsuffing and kindness. Embracing him with the Joy of the Lord - my strength - 'rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer ... (Romans 12:12)

Hmm, I wonder what this 'perfect work' will look like... mysteries!!!! what an adventure!!!

Martian Child ...

A 10! and bring kleenxs if you are a misfit. It rips your heart right open.

Don't you get tired of all the good byes? Doesn't your heart rip away more and more everytime someone leaves because for whatever reason they didn't give, it adds up in your own heart that you weren't good enough for them to stay? How do you cope? Imaginations are a more sure friend than earthlings any day! But when love is action it begins to melt the heart you have fortified with ice blocks to keep what is left of your heart from getting burned by absence and take aways that others seem to do to you.

Being a Martian Adult I see from both sides. I see wanting to go away into the imagination but the yearning to connect and the yearning to be accepted especially by at least one male outside family, keeps me trying to connect. So there you have it, me who is running away and running into head long, all the while standing in one place ... invisable.

A real true for me is that I am most likely a self imposed misfit. I have a stuborn streak with a mile berth. I don't go with crowd. I never like the crowd. It isn't that I want to be difficult, it is because there is a place in me that says go this way. It is important to be me and stop trying to be someone else. It is a huge struggle to be unique and accepted.

The movie is gets down and dirty in this misfit world. You cheer this father and son in their attempt to balance out their world - being themselves and connecting...

bye bye downunder ...

I had some not so happy feelings whisper to my soul this evening. Seems like everything Australian in my life is fading and fading fast. It has been a decline but again another phase seems to be coming apparent. 'Precious Gift' left me 3 years ago and I am still getting over it. I had my violent tear stage which was just horrid frustration and sadness. I had my reality phase when I allowed myself to really hear what he didn't say. That allowed the anger to be real yet that still did not get me over this habit. I began to heal even though I felt I would never get over him. He was a 'precious gift' and the returns of learning where still there. I would cherish that. I have to admit how long I would still continue to learn from the memories we made together. Would it come to an end without coming back to each other and make more memories?

Tonight a new phase silently came into my heart. A new sadness. I believe I am at the beginning of going on and living my life - just me. I have gleaned all I can from my time knowing him. I still have this yearning to pray for Joy to envade his life and for salvation for his kids. This was a gift given to me by God to shore up his life and his dreams in this way in the last phase. I will continue to do so in this phase. My heart and soul feel the life. It beats that you go on living and learning for myself. It isn't about what we shared together in our wishes anymore. How sad. It is wanting to be connected to someone and can't. I am just connected to myself. I don't feel that inner depth anymore. I desperately want that.

All lessons I have learned from someone, I make my own or I did not truly learn. I have brought some Australian things into my life for me and not to bring an essance of another person or place closer. I loved pumpkins and I tried to grow Australian blue pumpkins. I succeeded but they were diseased and I no longer can enjoy pumpkins because I discovered an allergy to them. I moved on to my love of citrus. I love lemons, limes, and oranges. So I am trying my hand at some indoor citrus. The Lime happens to be the Australian Lime Finger. It has showed some major signs of distress. I throw up my hands. Is everything Australian being taken from my life?

two leaves left ...

Neglect! Yikes, one of the days I returned to my apartment for a brief zip in and out while pup sitting, I was horrified as I looked over at my three citrus trees sitting in the perch of the west window. My AUSTRALIAN LIME FINGER drooped all its leaves! My Meyer lemon who always is quick to swoon for water wasn't showing any signs of distress. What!!!! Giving them all a drink of water, I figured all would be well again. Mine you, I gave them a drink about two days before. They are in clay pots so there is ample breathing room for them roots which I read that is what they prefer.

Next day on my quick trip in and out, I was beside myself over the major loss of leaves!!!! NOOOOOO, it can't happen to my Mate. I want this plant!!!! I want him to be happy, healthy, and fruitful!!!!! I am trying everything.

Third day in more dropped leaves. Two are left. I had expected them to fall of today too. They are holding on. I was trying to find info on this precious tree online. I guess he needs more shade than full sun. I moved it. I think the soil was too dry and that was a stress it could not handle. There where some leaves that yellowed so I feed it some food that contained iron. I guess citrus needs it to have green healthy leaves. I hope that didn't cause a problem... I still think it was lack of water.... No more absent minded, living in two houses, loving on pups, and forgetting to love on my citrus trees!

Oh by the way, don't turn me in to the citrus police. I am a newbie but I am very passionate about them...

write drought ...

Man! It has been ages since I've been here. Here is where my bf lives and I just can't neglect it. For me to put my thought out allows me to breathe mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Everyday I try to stop by but life gets in the way! Ok ok! Yes, I admit it my blog is my bf! It is an extension of myself and who better to be a best friend than yourself?

Like last Wednesday I worked late to do some catching up from the week off and when I got in my jeep, it would not start. The battery was deader than a door nail. Believe it or not it was a good time to die on me. Dad was close by and I only had to wait about 20 minutes. It took all night and I was left without time here. Then I had to do some pupsitting at my parents and I couldn't steal away for some pen time. Argh.

I do think and talk aloud. I jots notes down but it does nothing like here in llj land! I am glad to be back. While I am at it, I am figuring out how to scrape out more time to really put pen to the paper more. Yes, I've said that before and no results. What is habit making unless you keep trying until you find a habit that sticks? I will succeed. I must.

I wish for a writing space. I wish for writing time. I wish to write that book. I wish to make an account of the God-lessions I don't want to forget. I wish to write for me. I wish to write for someone like me. I wish to know if I am a one of a kind crazy or if there are others like me! I just wish to write well...

.:note:.
How do you spend your time when you are waiting for someone to come to rescue you?
Dig out the New Testament that you stuffed into your bag. Just start reading it. Time goes faster and you are not biting at the bit to be somewhere else! It is peaceful and guess what? You don't need batteries! I love the ipod but God's Word eases all your anxieties =)

Psalms 94:19 In the multitude of my anxietes within me, Your Comforts delight my soul.

my dearest Comfort,
Thank you for allowing my jeep to die on me at a perfect time. It happened on a night that my dad was closer than being at home. He was able to help and I got to eat supper out with my parents. If it would have been on the weekend, they would have been gone and I would have been stuck without help close by. Thank You for Your Ultimate Wisdom. You knew the perfect time. Huge huggers!

Perfect timing... I place my hope in Your perfect timing for my painting, my writing, and that huge and scary dream of that condo...
always your daughter

split beans & broken glass ...

A farm. The beans were harvested but two holding silos tops where gone. Not sure how much of his crop he was able to save. The house was gone right down to the basement. There was a red curtain still in one of the basement window and was blowing in the wind. Glass was all blown out. All of the huge farm buildings where gone. Not sure how many he had. There was a row of farm equipment where the one building stood. All that was left standing were two very small red shed like buildings.

She had a rock garden but it looked very weather beaten. It must have been lovely as you could see the care of the stones she had placed. The trees where standing but the tops where snaped looking like a monster had ripped the tops in jagged hunger. Pansies where blooming but holding to their roots as they tilted to one side in the wind today. Her kitchen table and chairs stood on some cement - lonely. Next month is Thinkgiving here. I wonder what they will rejoice over.

Pieces scattered every where. Roofing in pieces. Glass in pieces. Metal twisted in pieces. Plastic in pieces. Wood in pieces. Paper in pieces. Insolation in pieces. Pieces from lives lived but still living. No loss of life.

I think I saw the older couple that lived there. Most likely old order Mennonite by the looks of their dress. They had raised there family and were living there alone. So I am guessing that they were 50 or over. Will they rebuild? Will they trust God? What new things will come to their story? What will they tell others?

f3 tornado hits small town ...

Reports during the week was that there would be severe weather Thursday. October should be a relatively quiet month weather wise but we have had some tornados hit in this month in years past. It was a warm windy day so danger is likely. That evening the major tv channels were a buzz with reds, oranges, yellows, and those rotations on the maps.

Then there was a small hit in the county below ours. No bad reports. Then a tornado hit in a small town just to our south. Bad enough that the town was on national news! Our town in this path. Sirens wailed. The need to watch the western sky drew me to the window. The rain drops looked wild and weird as it pounded up and over my jeep. Then all was quiet. Things settled down. Telephone rang. Bro called to make sure we were ok. Except he is calling at the time the reports were saying we were getting hit. He is a worrier. That is ok. I could reassure him that things are quiet here.

I am a quiet worrier. It is all inside my head. Then I try to talk back to it with God's Word. Then it is seems like a vicious cycle of worry and God's Word. My thoughts were 'God is the Master of Storms. He can still them or He will hold us as the storms go wild and rage about us. He is there in the aftermath of clean up.' I wonder if I could withstand a hit. I still wonder ...

Today is clean up day. My thoughts are merky. I don't know what I will be doing today. I don't know if I will become emotional or not. I don't know how I will feel physically today. I don't know what I will do about food today - need it to do a good job and keep the mind of me - taking my own. I think I think to much. Today will be a training day to keep my mind stayed upon God who keeps us in perfect peace. It will be an experiment of making love complete.

agony of the right fit ...

It was a bust. ARgh! Why is it so hard to find pants? I need them for work. The old ones are bad. I wanted to find at the very least 4 not just the two that I got but have a bit of length problem. Why is it that I can find jeans but not pants?

can't wait ...

Today is the day I've been waiting for all summer and fall. I hope to achieve a big change. I don't want to share too much right now. Seems frivolous to me yet not. Seems even worse on paper than real life. I also don't want to come home disappointed!

I heard that sometimes a girl of my age wants to really change up things in a big way. I really don't know how that can be done but by small steps. But today I hope to make a giant step in an area of my life that needs it without causing to much angst in the wallet.

No, it isn't getting that condo. Much smaller. Maybe sillier. Keep guessing!

Off I go!

complete love ...

How can you have love complete and full in your life?
Love others then His lives in you and your love is complete.

Funny how things are so simple but veiled...

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 1 John 4:11-16 NIV

What about marriage? If I am a believer and he is a believer and we love each other but he has the doubts, isn't he doubting the ability of God's love to overflow in each of our lives thus overflowing the marriage in His Perfect and Complete Love?

{sadly shakes head}

move away from the 'table' ...

I made a break through earlier this year in the relationship department. Picture the relationship as a table and all you have in that relationship is what they bring to the table and nothing more. That means nothing hidden behind their back or under the table or what they left at home. ONLY WHAT IS ON THE TABLE. Yes, you will have to be creative but I decided that I could handle this and this concept has worked perfectly for me. When I know the other person really has nothing to bring, I pack everything I can. My catch phrase for that is 'pack the sunshine.' I believe this so much I litter my conversations with this 'table epiphany'. Now I must add to this!

Last week I felt I had a problem actually two to bring to HR. The one I should have kept to myself since I did have a conversation with God to leave a certain issue in His capable hands. I failed and brought it up with this other problem that alllllll I wanted was info NOT TELLING ME HOW TO FEEL OR ACT. One rule that every one breaks. ARgh. Anyway I became quite emotional after the 'kind telling me how to feel and how to act' REPEATEDLY I might add. I wanted to push her out the door and add a few choice words to her retreating backside. I didn't rather I was a weeping fool. Then after picking myself up, I realized that I knew what I would get if I came to her table! So hince my attachment to the table concept.

Do not eat at a toxic table!
Whoa! It is easy to not sit up to a table like this but what about when you are seated and you begin to chow down on acid! You are suppose to behave with lovingkindness. Pushing away from the table in heated discuss can only make more poison. Maybe a start is saying 'I need some time to think this over or I can't handle all this at one time - let me get back to you on this. or Hey, look at the time - gotta go.' Well, a thinker on how to handle it in the midst, but if you can detect the toxens before you enter into the fellowship - run!

a distress damsel psalm ...

I've hinted to the fact that I am in the backyard of my 30's. I guess I am freaking out a bit emotionally too - not at my age (suppose that will happen soon) but at these rollercoaster feelings and the knowledge of the craziness my mother felt. {screams} I just want to move through this phase of my life with all the good lessons I've learned so far like the joy and continue through with more joy, tranquility, and gentleness. I don't want anger to rule my life...

I connected few dots yesturday and I am on the point of breaking through to something huge for myself. It makes me quite excited and I hope that by weeks end when my vacation is ending that I have 'my own best friend habits' set in place. Meaning a way to fight back and save me from the 'internal social pressures' that run amuck in women my age... I am enough and loved.. Now lets take a look a woman's fairytale of a psalms!

One of the major connecting of the dots for me was reading Psalms 18 through the eyes of a woman instead of a soldier or through King David. Put on your female eyes and try it with all the muck that is going on in your life and include your fairytale story and see how this psalm changes your life...


Psalms 18: 1-6 speaks of your love for God and His Mighty ways in your life. Then you call out to be saved from your enemies. What is your enemy? Death - when you just want to live. Death for the woman is feeling like no one cares that your nose is the only thing that is staying above the torent waters. You are treading water but nothing is keeping you afloat. You are tired. You are doing everything and being everybody to family, work etc. Quite simply, you are trying to be the best you and the emotions and feelings are telling you 'not enough, you are just not enough!' So you cry out to God who has been there and has shown Himself to you before but you just not feeling it now and that makes you feel bad even worse.

Now this is the exciting part! Check out Psalms 18: 8-19! How many of us has dreamed of that prince on a white horse coming to our rescue? Why can't there be that rescue for this poor damsel in distress? HERE IT IS!!!! DRINK IT IN!!! See how our woes and distresses anger our God? He is enraged that the enemy is stealing our Joy and our strength. Here in these verses I am floored at the description of His Anger! {dances the happiest jig ever} Read that over and over until you feel it real in your life. Then watch Him swoop down and feel yourself swing through the air coming to rest behind God on His mighty white work stallion. Wrap your arms around Him and don't let go!

Psalms 18:20-24 is where you tell God what you have done in the right ways. It is an honesty check but when you have down the right ways and talk that out to God, you know by keeping His Ways there is blessing there. You are reminding yourself not God because He already knows. It is time for you to get into your path and see through. It is understanding that even when you do everything right and it feels like failure, that is the enemy talking. You talk back with the God-Blessings that you receive by doing right ways.

Psalms 18:25-36 is declaring God Attributes in your life path. Again it is you talking back or aloud about how your Prince has rescued you and has fought the battle for you. It is a self reminder not to get stuck in not being enough. That is death. Stay away from it. God is your Source. He is your Everything from Alpha to Omega. He is your Commander. He has your orders and the way to do them. He is your Husbandman and Keeper. He is your Creator and He sure created us a bit more intricate and intimate that man. He understands all our nuances. He made us this way for a reason - for marriage and for man. He created us naturing and beautiful - two aspects of His Nature. Who else should we go to if we are feeling used up and ugly? The Source!!!! Fill up!!!

Psalms 18:37-42 is showing how God Attributes come through us. He arms us with strength / joy for the battle before us. Look how we crush our destroyers! We are not destroyed. We have the victory.

Psalms 18:42-50 is praise to God who rescued us. We are His chosen and that does not mean we lay down and die. We arise and claim victory over all that seek to crush us. The enemy hates our beauty. Satan will do anything to undermine us. By doing so he thinks he can bring down God. We know this yet our actions say we don't believe that God is our Salvation and Rescuer. Time to live this Psalm out moment by moment. Our story is a romance story and it has a happy ending. Time to make victory in our middles....

{wails beating my chest it is so powerful}

sea glass {n}

Humans are much like sea glass or beach glass. Broken pieces of bottles or glassware ruffed down by rough water and sand are to humans - life experiences. Smoothed and simple, all the rough edges gone.

As I have been reading about sea glass lately, there are genuine and artificial means of sea glass. I equated this to the human experience of God changing us or us trying to change ourselves. A genuine God-change has a much better smoothing out ability. An artificial me-change still leaves edges and toxins!

genuine vs artificial sea glass

attic window ...

My morning was spent on my Jeep and getting carted home the long way. I did find something interesting and delightful to record here. Homes. I like looking at them and wonder what it is like on the inside. And just having seen a beautiful palace over the weekend, I am quite sensitive to all things that make a dwelling a home - what goes with what, what colors will go with dark.. etc. Anyway back to the exterior!

I saw this house painted in a shade darker than barnyard red and trimmed in white. It is an older house with two stories stacked on top and an attic window on top of that. It sat there in there central with a pumpkin beaming from its place. It was cute and enjoyable for a traveler like me on my long way home. Ahhhhhh to homes. Ahhhhh to inviting decorations. So simple and such a crazy gift to my eyes and being!

dreams vs REALITY ...

SWF seeks her own dream house - a skybox of sorts, a porch of sorts, a basement, and a garage.

I found it!

My living means today is a very small apartment. My passion of glass and painting makes my tiny kitchen part craftroom. I don't host or invite others over because eveything is like a bull in a babydoll china shop. If you want to feel tall or if you want to feel claustrophobic, come to my place. To me it is all about cozy. What I have is enough I know and I am learning to strip the excess off and try for having just the best. Being a semi-packrat, it can be hard at times but the right mood comes along I ride it for all I got and throw out. I am finding my creative engery a bit passive because I cannot spread out. I must clean as I go or I go a bit loony.

I look at my situation and I wonder why I am still here. I am an established adult single woman in the backyard of her 30's. Why am I still renting? I have an allergy to tobacco and where I live out of the 9 people I share the building with at least 4 of them smoke with all the smell coming into my apartment. Today I woke to a smoke smell not from cigarettes but to someone burning something. Yikes! I long to have a garage! I long to have a porch for growing things and just enjoying. I have been dreaming of my dream house for a long time now. I don't know for sure how long proabably since I was playing house as a wee girl.

Being single my search for a house that will not require mowing or much structure help. I don't want to have to pull Dad away from his own home and yard or depend on bros who have entirely different lives and directions. That means the house or condo is going to be more expensive than a fixer uper. I don't plan to do much searching because as I will later tell you is how the dreaming makes for me being very messed up. So there are these nice condos near by me and the parents. Something that tweaked my interest. So I braved up and went to check it out allllll by my lonesome. Now that is brave for me!

WOW! I loved it and that has been the only thing I can think about. Very disastrous since this is my vacation week and I really need to focus all my energies on painting. I doubt I got much sleep. But I really need to put my feet on the ground and focus on spacorizing my place and be ok.

Let me tell you all the good stuff! You open the front door to stairs. There is a door to the garage and if you go to the back of the garage (I found the exact place to put my beloved bicycle!) there is the door to the basement. It is not finished but all that space I would have a great place to plan out a glass shop and storage!! Oh wow! with an ikea mag, I could definately design a storage area (add to get list) to die for! Back to the entrace there is a nice window that looks out to rosebushes. I would put a nice pew bench (add to get list)so it would be easy for taking shoes off and maybe a nice coat rack. Sorry, definitely no shoes in this palace! You climb these stairs and it comes to a nice size livingroom with a sliding glass door with a small porch area. A small lovely wire table with two small chairs (add to get list) would be just right for breakfast and watching the sunrise! To the left of the stairs is a small kitchen. It is all done in black. I forgot to check out the sink. I would love a stainless steal. Wished I would have spent more time thinking about that kitchen. No stove or frig! bummer! (add to get list) It had an area with barstools. Not sure my oak colored table and hutch would look alright in the darkstuff. But it would have to! It had a west window. Good for the evening meal. I like to watch the skies. Being able to watch the sunset ranks very high on my list and I wasn't sure this place would cut it because there are a lot of trees. I was pleasantly surprised as this place being entirely on the second floor and the windows have great views east and west. I wouldn't have a south view and I might miss that having it now but having the east and west just might make up for that. It has two bedrooms with the master bedroom having a small walk-in closet and a nice bath too. Nice! It has a washroom for washer and dryer (add to get list) There are to areas on either side of the livingroom that one side would make an area where I could have bookshelves (add to get list) for a library and writing area!!!! The other side I could have my computers and craft area. Ideas and the get list are just piling up! Besides the huge price tag is the $95 a month for maintaince fees. No lawn mowing or snow sholving!

My biggest question is if the market is for the buyer and I see on the tv that sellers are adding nice incentives to the buyer's package, why can't I ask them to add a washer, dryer, stove, and frig of my choice without add to the cost? If I could I ask for a finished basement too or at the very least a nice storage unit from ikea. Ahhhhhh dreams!

I really need to rip the flyer to shreds and muck out all these dreams and plans I have. I have a week of vacation to enjoy and make the most of. No pining away for a skybox of dreams. I have my skybox right here and now. I don't have to worry about utilities and maintainance fees. I don't have to worry about the inflated property taxes that are ever skyrocketing. I don't have to worry the cost of fixing anything that is broken. I don't have to bear the burden of something soooo big on these wee shoulders of mine.

As I was climbing out of my jeep that will cost me $1,300 dollars when I take it in tomorrow to fix a stearing rack problem, I asked God what the purpose of teaching me independence of others instead of dependence.

I've been reminding myself that Jehovah Jireh, the Lord provided. I am ok where I am at in a wee home without worry vs a really nice home and not being able to enjoy because I am slaving away at bills that threaten to take me out.

hated & favored

There seems to be a paradox of sorts... well, honestly there seems to be quite a few in the Bible, but I thought I would work one out. {sighs} well, maybe!

You will be hated in this world vs God's favor/ man's favor

I've been thinking about favor for a bit now and I think it is safe to say that it is very normal to feel a bit alien here and yes, hated! So when I am feeling God's favor and yes, man's favor, I know that isn't coming from man but rather God. (Cursed is the one who trusts in man- Jeremiah 17:5-8) So whether I am hated or walking in favor, God is ultimately in control not man and I find comfort in that. Wow, do I sound confusing or what?

I've been thinking about Joseph's story. Thrown away by his brothers, falsely accused of rape, and thrown into prison, Joseph still had God's favor and even man's favor. He is sitting in the midst of this paradox! What is meant for bad, God makes it good. I think you can go futher and say that when you feel hated, God will make it good in your soul's path...

The favor given Joseph overflowed and he was able to save the entire chosen race. Amazing. Keep the FAITH. Always mediate on these great Bible stories. I may not answer this paradox to my statisfaction but hey, a mystery is always unfolding, always giving... more for me to discover...