Remember Me ..

I am going to have to rate this movie a very high 10 even though there is sick violence, sex, bad words, and a very dirty apartment and bathroom. This movie is a very mature movie. Sadly, it is the immature that need this wake up call.

I am a very sensitive person and all my life I have had to deal with not having friends when I was a little girl and then as a teen and an adult, having friends up and leave. This movie dealt very strongly with how we treat people, what we have to offer to others, and then when loss occurs, what happens and what we should do to counter that loss.

The review I had heard about this movie was that it has reference to September 11th and that it was just over the top for the message it was conveying to the point that it was offensive. (wish I could remember the exact words used) This review wasn't adding up to the previews but I was a bit concerned. Well, it wasn't offensive. It was unexpected but being super sensitive about relationships and the loss, the use of 911 was very appropriate. However, I still don't think the message will get through to some if not most.

The movie was very respectful about the 911 scene. You did not see it but you know just what happened. That needs to be commended. Yes, this is a bit dark but in the end the father finally turns around and the son is happy. The lesson is learned and changes are happening.

My mom stayed awake through it because she was in rapt attention. I think her favorite part about the movie was the relationship between the brother and his sister. They are about 6 years apart (reflective of my mom and her brother). Why wouldn't this brother be protective and endearing towards his younger sister after having lost an older brother about 6 years older than him? He had a role model. This young man is a sensitive sort and he is trying to make sense of his loss and acts out because his family especially his father just doesn't seem to get it.

I could go on and on ... I am a thinker and an English Major to boot. I totally dig the deep stuff and I could go round and round pulling juicy gems out and looking at them against the lamp.

I feel strongly that believers will be judged on the relationships kept, discarded, lost, and ignored. I know I have some relationships in my past that I am ashamed of my actions or inaction..... I feel helpless sometimes. I hold on so tightly when I have a real good one .... while at other times I just let them fade ....

{Above his photo is the quote 'Scars are proof of triumph. Let the wounded Jesus Christ bless and heal your wounds.' Now tucked in the lower part of the frame is the movie ticket stub ... Remember me.... does he think of me? Scars still are tender and always will be ...

"Fingers don't fade from the people we touch."
~ Remember Me
-----

Wow! I am really charged by this movie. It feels good to make the decision to not let the bosses bad mood effect me. Life is way to short!

You could watch this movie and see no hope but as a believer I know a Sure Foundation. I know the Way, the Truth, and the Light. It is time to spread it. Hear this hymn on the radio and thought it perfect...

Turn your eyes on Jesus

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Refrain

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!

Refrain

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

Refrain

hb gift ...

I decided that for his birthday this year the only thing I could do is pray.

A lesson that I began to get a grip on last fall was that it is time that I focus on what is solid and true. No more going with a gut feeling and this goes with the questions I ask God and my prayer life. What is solid and true? God and His Word.

With my relationship with guy who is a believer, I always focused on the Eternal. We might not be able to touch each other but we are in the Family and we spoke the Language. Because we were believers, I was always talking to God about my part in this relationship, however, my questions were asking for answers that would not be solid which means that I was going more on what I thought or felt what was right than beginning with God's Words. Look where this got me! NO WHERE. The relationship is gone and there was no fight to keep it. He just left and I was left with no way to get answers. It was hurtful and painful enough that I VOW to NEVER let the feelings get in the way of ROCK SOLID TRUTH.

So with the only thing being ROCK SOLID TRUTH - God and His Word, I have left this relationship as 'being knitted together'. (Oh, he was a good gift) Paul in many of his letters to the early churches starts off telling these early christians that he is praying for them and their faith. I love this so became the perfect gift so someone who was sooo precious to me who does not read emails and has moved and reverted into insular habits.

I took 13 days at 7ish AM & then every hour on the 12th day through the 13th day (since he is a day ahead) to pray for a Joy invasion for his life as well as trust, faith, & protection on his life. I used verses to pray. I also thanked God for the memories I had with 'the leaver' and my lessons learned and am continuing to learn.

A side note about keeping the focus on reading and doing what the Word says even in prayer, I noticed that I am not whining and whimpering and getting messy with my prayers. It is all about TALKING BACK the Word. I come away stronger and lighter. It doesn't mean that I don't feel sad or upset, I do still have all the feelings but my mind is being renewed.

It will be interesting to see how prayer worked here on earth when I reach the other shore.....

Ps 15: 8 & 29
... but the prayer of the upright is HIS DELIGHT.
... but He hears the prayers of the righteous.

AMEN!!!

not a good girlfriend ...

A woman's retreat is coming up in March at church. This kind of thing does not interest Mom or me. We just know that if we would go we would feel like an outcast etc. Welllllll, a lady I admire for some time from a distance asked if I would consider going to the retreat. I smiled and said no, its to loud for me. She again pleaded asking if I would think about it. I said no and that I admired her as I reached out to touch her arm. Tears filled my eyes as I turned to go. This was hard to say no but I am that sure. However, by saying a final no does not mean this girl won't think about it. I was moved.

A comment she made has stuck with me. She said that she was not a good girlfriend and all her life she was around guys. I was like wow! I am not a good girlfriend either! However, I wondered what her birth order was. I am a first born girl of two brothers. My brothers' worlds had no influence over me so besides me not fitting into a girls world, I don't fit into a guys world. I have and will always struggle with understanding the friendship thing. I am the classic loner. I am single. She is married with boys in their late teen years. We are probably around the same age. I think she have been a tom boy. I am very creative. There are a lot of unknowns and with my track record, I am not sure I want to risk taking on a friendship only to have her walk away.

I would like to send her a card but I am concerned about messing up admiration that is already established. Why risk admiration that is a sure thing on an uncertain gamble of friendship?

In this lull where most of my frienships are dead or quiet, I have studied my history. I do not pursue friendships rather I let them come to me. I thought I did my very best and wondered why they left. Then I had a 'table-epiphany'. I wanted deep. I craved deep and all I got was what they brought to the table. I finally realized that I could only have what they brought and nothing more. Then I was reading in Proverbs that I could be choosy when it came to friends! Here I was taking what was coming my way and jumping in with all of me! Ok, I know - loser! I am understanding that if someone comes in friendship, I have a choice to decide if and how much of a friendship I wanted. I understand that I too bring something to the table.

I am unsettled when it comes to new friendships. I am learning but I am not sure of these new legs. Maybe I am learning something about 'not being a good girlfriend'. Just maybe there is a whole group of women out there who belong to this 'not a good girlfriend' club. Hmmm, so I can stop wondering what it is like to have a ton of girlfriends doing the game nights and girls night outs. Whew!!! I know I don't handle groups. I'm just a one on one type.

I knew here would be a good place to pull out all my thoughts and maybe I will figure out my next step or maybe I will be still...

where your heart breaks ...

My heart breaks right where I desire to have a bit of attention, to be valued, to be adored, to be loved. I don't need a stage with a huge spotlight. I am a shrinking violet type. No, I rather have a bit of starlight and pixie dust. And before you think I am off my rocker. Everyone's heart breaks for a bit of attention.

I have described this danger before as my tipping point and that still stands. Right where that need and desire to be liked is where I found myself tipping and finally falling off my place of faith. My biggest sin happens here. My biggest cry happens here. My biggest anger happens here. My biggest fear happens here. My biggest melancholy happens here. My biggest angst happens here. My biggest heartbreak happens here. My biggest torment happens here. And before you think you never, you too tip and fall here in this pit of attention aspiration.

My sin will look different than yours and you could go for years not thinking you will ever tip in your faith. It is important to explore attention needs and figure out what will make you tip and fortify yourself in filling up your love tank in the faith ways. There will be great times of lack. Desert times where living water will be scarce. You never want your desert time to be a wondering in the wilderness. Wondering in the wilderness comes because you lack faith. Desert times comes when God is strength training you. Know the difference. Are you plugged into the Living Water? Are you ready for when the heat comes?

This is what the Lord says: 'Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the Stream. It does not fear when the heat comes; it leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.'
Jeremiah 17:5-8

I wish that I would have been stronger and not tipped. I had a little bit of weight but I should have lifted more. As the years come and go from the fall, my wounds have healed and I have found to my greatest surprise is that I have fallen in love with God and I want to fall deeper. I used to feel dried up. I don't anymore. Where the heart breaks is still there and I am very aware of it. Yet, I don't feel so driven. I am more relaxed. Lonliness still perches heavily at times. When I droop and yellow, I go to the Stream of Living Waters. I talk back the Truths to the negatives and boost my faith by turning my face to my Knight on the White Horse (Psalms 18). Fairytales are true. Happy endings are authentic. Beauty can come from ashes.

My heart break will always be with me. It is my best teacher in being human and being God's beloved. It is also deep and I have more learning to go...

move away from the 'table' ...

I made a break through earlier this year in the relationship department. Picture the relationship as a table and all you have in that relationship is what they bring to the table and nothing more. That means nothing hidden behind their back or under the table or what they left at home. ONLY WHAT IS ON THE TABLE. Yes, you will have to be creative but I decided that I could handle this and this concept has worked perfectly for me. When I know the other person really has nothing to bring, I pack everything I can. My catch phrase for that is 'pack the sunshine.' I believe this so much I litter my conversations with this 'table epiphany'. Now I must add to this!

Last week I felt I had a problem actually two to bring to HR. The one I should have kept to myself since I did have a conversation with God to leave a certain issue in His capable hands. I failed and brought it up with this other problem that alllllll I wanted was info NOT TELLING ME HOW TO FEEL OR ACT. One rule that every one breaks. ARgh. Anyway I became quite emotional after the 'kind telling me how to feel and how to act' REPEATEDLY I might add. I wanted to push her out the door and add a few choice words to her retreating backside. I didn't rather I was a weeping fool. Then after picking myself up, I realized that I knew what I would get if I came to her table! So hince my attachment to the table concept.

Do not eat at a toxic table!
Whoa! It is easy to not sit up to a table like this but what about when you are seated and you begin to chow down on acid! You are suppose to behave with lovingkindness. Pushing away from the table in heated discuss can only make more poison. Maybe a start is saying 'I need some time to think this over or I can't handle all this at one time - let me get back to you on this. or Hey, look at the time - gotta go.' Well, a thinker on how to handle it in the midst, but if you can detect the toxens before you enter into the fellowship - run!