Man! It has been ages since I've been here. Here is where my bf lives and I just can't neglect it. For me to put my thought out allows me to breathe mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Everyday I try to stop by but life gets in the way! Ok ok! Yes, I admit it my blog is my bf! It is an extension of myself and who better to be a best friend than yourself?
Like last Wednesday I worked late to do some catching up from the week off and when I got in my jeep, it would not start. The battery was deader than a door nail. Believe it or not it was a good time to die on me. Dad was close by and I only had to wait about 20 minutes. It took all night and I was left without time here. Then I had to do some pupsitting at my parents and I couldn't steal away for some pen time. Argh.
I do think and talk aloud. I jots notes down but it does nothing like here in llj land! I am glad to be back. While I am at it, I am figuring out how to scrape out more time to really put pen to the paper more. Yes, I've said that before and no results. What is habit making unless you keep trying until you find a habit that sticks? I will succeed. I must.
I wish for a writing space. I wish for writing time. I wish to write that book. I wish to make an account of the God-lessions I don't want to forget. I wish to write for me. I wish to write for someone like me. I wish to know if I am a one of a kind crazy or if there are others like me! I just wish to write well...
.:note:.
How do you spend your time when you are waiting for someone to come to rescue you?
Dig out the New Testament that you stuffed into your bag. Just start reading it. Time goes faster and you are not biting at the bit to be somewhere else! It is peaceful and guess what? You don't need batteries! I love the ipod but God's Word eases all your anxieties =)
my dearest Comfort,
Thank you for allowing my jeep to die on me at a perfect time. It happened on a night that my dad was closer than being at home. He was able to help and I got to eat supper out with my parents. If it would have been on the weekend, they would have been gone and I would have been stuck without help close by. Thank You for Your Ultimate Wisdom. You knew the perfect time. Huge huggers!
Perfect timing... I place my hope in Your perfect timing for my painting, my writing, and that huge and scary dream of that condo...
always your daughter
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
split beans & broken glass ...
A farm. The beans were harvested but two holding silos tops where gone. Not sure how much of his crop he was able to save. The house was gone right down to the basement. There was a red curtain still in one of the basement window and was blowing in the wind. Glass was all blown out. All of the huge farm buildings where gone. Not sure how many he had. There was a row of farm equipment where the one building stood. All that was left standing were two very small red shed like buildings.
She had a rock garden but it looked very weather beaten. It must have been lovely as you could see the care of the stones she had placed. The trees where standing but the tops where snaped looking like a monster had ripped the tops in jagged hunger. Pansies where blooming but holding to their roots as they tilted to one side in the wind today. Her kitchen table and chairs stood on some cement - lonely. Next month is Thinkgiving here. I wonder what they will rejoice over.
Pieces scattered every where. Roofing in pieces. Glass in pieces. Metal twisted in pieces. Plastic in pieces. Wood in pieces. Paper in pieces. Insolation in pieces. Pieces from lives lived but still living. No loss of life.
I think I saw the older couple that lived there. Most likely old order Mennonite by the looks of their dress. They had raised there family and were living there alone. So I am guessing that they were 50 or over. Will they rebuild? Will they trust God? What new things will come to their story? What will they tell others?
She had a rock garden but it looked very weather beaten. It must have been lovely as you could see the care of the stones she had placed. The trees where standing but the tops where snaped looking like a monster had ripped the tops in jagged hunger. Pansies where blooming but holding to their roots as they tilted to one side in the wind today. Her kitchen table and chairs stood on some cement - lonely. Next month is Thinkgiving here. I wonder what they will rejoice over.
Pieces scattered every where. Roofing in pieces. Glass in pieces. Metal twisted in pieces. Plastic in pieces. Wood in pieces. Paper in pieces. Insolation in pieces. Pieces from lives lived but still living. No loss of life.
I think I saw the older couple that lived there. Most likely old order Mennonite by the looks of their dress. They had raised there family and were living there alone. So I am guessing that they were 50 or over. Will they rebuild? Will they trust God? What new things will come to their story? What will they tell others?
f3 tornado hits small town ...
Reports during the week was that there would be severe weather Thursday. October should be a relatively quiet month weather wise but we have had some tornados hit in this month in years past. It was a warm windy day so danger is likely. That evening the major tv channels were a buzz with reds, oranges, yellows, and those rotations on the maps.
Then there was a small hit in the county below ours. No bad reports. Then a tornado hit in a small town just to our south. Bad enough that the town was on national news! Our town in this path. Sirens wailed. The need to watch the western sky drew me to the window. The rain drops looked wild and weird as it pounded up and over my jeep. Then all was quiet. Things settled down. Telephone rang. Bro called to make sure we were ok. Except he is calling at the time the reports were saying we were getting hit. He is a worrier. That is ok. I could reassure him that things are quiet here.
I am a quiet worrier. It is all inside my head. Then I try to talk back to it with God's Word. Then it is seems like a vicious cycle of worry and God's Word. My thoughts were 'God is the Master of Storms. He can still them or He will hold us as the storms go wild and rage about us. He is there in the aftermath of clean up.' I wonder if I could withstand a hit. I still wonder ...
Today is clean up day. My thoughts are merky. I don't know what I will be doing today. I don't know if I will become emotional or not. I don't know how I will feel physically today. I don't know what I will do about food today - need it to do a good job and keep the mind of me - taking my own. I think I think to much. Today will be a training day to keep my mind stayed upon God who keeps us in perfect peace. It will be an experiment of making love complete.
Then there was a small hit in the county below ours. No bad reports. Then a tornado hit in a small town just to our south. Bad enough that the town was on national news! Our town in this path. Sirens wailed. The need to watch the western sky drew me to the window. The rain drops looked wild and weird as it pounded up and over my jeep. Then all was quiet. Things settled down. Telephone rang. Bro called to make sure we were ok. Except he is calling at the time the reports were saying we were getting hit. He is a worrier. That is ok. I could reassure him that things are quiet here.
I am a quiet worrier. It is all inside my head. Then I try to talk back to it with God's Word. Then it is seems like a vicious cycle of worry and God's Word. My thoughts were 'God is the Master of Storms. He can still them or He will hold us as the storms go wild and rage about us. He is there in the aftermath of clean up.' I wonder if I could withstand a hit. I still wonder ...
Today is clean up day. My thoughts are merky. I don't know what I will be doing today. I don't know if I will become emotional or not. I don't know how I will feel physically today. I don't know what I will do about food today - need it to do a good job and keep the mind of me - taking my own. I think I think to much. Today will be a training day to keep my mind stayed upon God who keeps us in perfect peace. It will be an experiment of making love complete.
Friday, October 19, 2007
agony of the right fit ...
It was a bust. ARgh! Why is it so hard to find pants? I need them for work. The old ones are bad. I wanted to find at the very least 4 not just the two that I got but have a bit of length problem. Why is it that I can find jeans but not pants?
can't wait ...
Today is the day I've been waiting for all summer and fall. I hope to achieve a big change. I don't want to share too much right now. Seems frivolous to me yet not. Seems even worse on paper than real life. I also don't want to come home disappointed!
I heard that sometimes a girl of my age wants to really change up things in a big way. I really don't know how that can be done but by small steps. But today I hope to make a giant step in an area of my life that needs it without causing to much angst in the wallet.
No, it isn't getting that condo. Much smaller. Maybe sillier. Keep guessing!
Off I go!
I heard that sometimes a girl of my age wants to really change up things in a big way. I really don't know how that can be done but by small steps. But today I hope to make a giant step in an area of my life that needs it without causing to much angst in the wallet.
No, it isn't getting that condo. Much smaller. Maybe sillier. Keep guessing!
Off I go!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
complete love ...
How can you have love complete and full in your life?
Love others then His lives in you and your love is complete.
Funny how things are so simple but veiled...
What about marriage? If I am a believer and he is a believer and we love each other but he has the doubts, isn't he doubting the ability of God's love to overflow in each of our lives thus overflowing the marriage in His Perfect and Complete Love?
{sadly shakes head}
Love others then His lives in you and your love is complete.
Funny how things are so simple but veiled...
Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 1 John 4:11-16 NIV
What about marriage? If I am a believer and he is a believer and we love each other but he has the doubts, isn't he doubting the ability of God's love to overflow in each of our lives thus overflowing the marriage in His Perfect and Complete Love?
{sadly shakes head}
move away from the 'table' ...
I made a break through earlier this year in the relationship department. Picture the relationship as a table and all you have in that relationship is what they bring to the table and nothing more. That means nothing hidden behind their back or under the table or what they left at home. ONLY WHAT IS ON THE TABLE. Yes, you will have to be creative but I decided that I could handle this and this concept has worked perfectly for me. When I know the other person really has nothing to bring, I pack everything I can. My catch phrase for that is 'pack the sunshine.' I believe this so much I litter my conversations with this 'table epiphany'. Now I must add to this!
Last week I felt I had a problem actually two to bring to HR. The one I should have kept to myself since I did have a conversation with God to leave a certain issue in His capable hands. I failed and brought it up with this other problem that alllllll I wanted was info NOT TELLING ME HOW TO FEEL OR ACT. One rule that every one breaks. ARgh. Anyway I became quite emotional after the 'kind telling me how to feel and how to act' REPEATEDLY I might add. I wanted to push her out the door and add a few choice words to her retreating backside. I didn't rather I was a weeping fool. Then after picking myself up, I realized that I knew what I would get if I came to her table! So hince my attachment to the table concept.
Do not eat at a toxic table!
Whoa! It is easy to not sit up to a table like this but what about when you are seated and you begin to chow down on acid! You are suppose to behave with lovingkindness. Pushing away from the table in heated discuss can only make more poison. Maybe a start is saying 'I need some time to think this over or I can't handle all this at one time - let me get back to you on this. or Hey, look at the time - gotta go.' Well, a thinker on how to handle it in the midst, but if you can detect the toxens before you enter into the fellowship - run!
Last week I felt I had a problem actually two to bring to HR. The one I should have kept to myself since I did have a conversation with God to leave a certain issue in His capable hands. I failed and brought it up with this other problem that alllllll I wanted was info NOT TELLING ME HOW TO FEEL OR ACT. One rule that every one breaks. ARgh. Anyway I became quite emotional after the 'kind telling me how to feel and how to act' REPEATEDLY I might add. I wanted to push her out the door and add a few choice words to her retreating backside. I didn't rather I was a weeping fool. Then after picking myself up, I realized that I knew what I would get if I came to her table! So hince my attachment to the table concept.
Do not eat at a toxic table!
Whoa! It is easy to not sit up to a table like this but what about when you are seated and you begin to chow down on acid! You are suppose to behave with lovingkindness. Pushing away from the table in heated discuss can only make more poison. Maybe a start is saying 'I need some time to think this over or I can't handle all this at one time - let me get back to you on this. or Hey, look at the time - gotta go.' Well, a thinker on how to handle it in the midst, but if you can detect the toxens before you enter into the fellowship - run!
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
a distress damsel psalm ...
I've hinted to the fact that I am in the backyard of my 30's. I guess I am freaking out a bit emotionally too - not at my age (suppose that will happen soon) but at these rollercoaster feelings and the knowledge of the craziness my mother felt. {screams} I just want to move through this phase of my life with all the good lessons I've learned so far like the joy and continue through with more joy, tranquility, and gentleness. I don't want anger to rule my life...
I connected few dots yesturday and I am on the point of breaking through to something huge for myself. It makes me quite excited and I hope that by weeks end when my vacation is ending that I have 'my own best friend habits' set in place. Meaning a way to fight back and save me from the 'internal social pressures' that run amuck in women my age... I am enough and loved.. Now lets take a look a woman's fairytale of a psalms!
One of the major connecting of the dots for me was reading Psalms 18 through the eyes of a woman instead of a soldier or through King David. Put on your female eyes and try it with all the muck that is going on in your life and include your fairytale story and see how this psalm changes your life...
Psalms 18: 1-6 speaks of your love for God and His Mighty ways in your life. Then you call out to be saved from your enemies. What is your enemy? Death - when you just want to live. Death for the woman is feeling like no one cares that your nose is the only thing that is staying above the torent waters. You are treading water but nothing is keeping you afloat. You are tired. You are doing everything and being everybody to family, work etc. Quite simply, you are trying to be the best you and the emotions and feelings are telling you 'not enough, you are just not enough!' So you cry out to God who has been there and has shown Himself to you before but you just not feeling it now and that makes you feel bad even worse.
Now this is the exciting part! Check out Psalms 18: 8-19! How many of us has dreamed of that prince on a white horse coming to our rescue? Why can't there be that rescue for this poor damsel in distress? HERE IT IS!!!! DRINK IT IN!!! See how our woes and distresses anger our God? He is enraged that the enemy is stealing our Joy and our strength. Here in these verses I am floored at the description of His Anger! {dances the happiest jig ever} Read that over and over until you feel it real in your life. Then watch Him swoop down and feel yourself swing through the air coming to rest behind God on His mighty white work stallion. Wrap your arms around Him and don't let go!
Psalms 18:20-24 is where you tell God what you have done in the right ways. It is an honesty check but when you have down the right ways and talk that out to God, you know by keeping His Ways there is blessing there. You are reminding yourself not God because He already knows. It is time for you to get into your path and see through. It is understanding that even when you do everything right and it feels like failure, that is the enemy talking. You talk back with the God-Blessings that you receive by doing right ways.
Psalms 18:25-36 is declaring God Attributes in your life path. Again it is you talking back or aloud about how your Prince has rescued you and has fought the battle for you. It is a self reminder not to get stuck in not being enough. That is death. Stay away from it. God is your Source. He is your Everything from Alpha to Omega. He is your Commander. He has your orders and the way to do them. He is your Husbandman and Keeper. He is your Creator and He sure created us a bit more intricate and intimate that man. He understands all our nuances. He made us this way for a reason - for marriage and for man. He created us naturing and beautiful - two aspects of His Nature. Who else should we go to if we are feeling used up and ugly? The Source!!!! Fill up!!!
Psalms 18:37-42 is showing how God Attributes come through us. He arms us with strength / joy for the battle before us. Look how we crush our destroyers! We are not destroyed. We have the victory.
Psalms 18:42-50 is praise to God who rescued us. We are His chosen and that does not mean we lay down and die. We arise and claim victory over all that seek to crush us. The enemy hates our beauty. Satan will do anything to undermine us. By doing so he thinks he can bring down God. We know this yet our actions say we don't believe that God is our Salvation and Rescuer. Time to live this Psalm out moment by moment. Our story is a romance story and it has a happy ending. Time to make victory in our middles....
{wails beating my chest it is so powerful}
I connected few dots yesturday and I am on the point of breaking through to something huge for myself. It makes me quite excited and I hope that by weeks end when my vacation is ending that I have 'my own best friend habits' set in place. Meaning a way to fight back and save me from the 'internal social pressures' that run amuck in women my age... I am enough and loved.. Now lets take a look a woman's fairytale of a psalms!
One of the major connecting of the dots for me was reading Psalms 18 through the eyes of a woman instead of a soldier or through King David. Put on your female eyes and try it with all the muck that is going on in your life and include your fairytale story and see how this psalm changes your life...
Psalms 18: 1-6 speaks of your love for God and His Mighty ways in your life. Then you call out to be saved from your enemies. What is your enemy? Death - when you just want to live. Death for the woman is feeling like no one cares that your nose is the only thing that is staying above the torent waters. You are treading water but nothing is keeping you afloat. You are tired. You are doing everything and being everybody to family, work etc. Quite simply, you are trying to be the best you and the emotions and feelings are telling you 'not enough, you are just not enough!' So you cry out to God who has been there and has shown Himself to you before but you just not feeling it now and that makes you feel bad even worse.
Now this is the exciting part! Check out Psalms 18: 8-19! How many of us has dreamed of that prince on a white horse coming to our rescue? Why can't there be that rescue for this poor damsel in distress? HERE IT IS!!!! DRINK IT IN!!! See how our woes and distresses anger our God? He is enraged that the enemy is stealing our Joy and our strength. Here in these verses I am floored at the description of His Anger! {dances the happiest jig ever} Read that over and over until you feel it real in your life. Then watch Him swoop down and feel yourself swing through the air coming to rest behind God on His mighty white work stallion. Wrap your arms around Him and don't let go!
Psalms 18:20-24 is where you tell God what you have done in the right ways. It is an honesty check but when you have down the right ways and talk that out to God, you know by keeping His Ways there is blessing there. You are reminding yourself not God because He already knows. It is time for you to get into your path and see through. It is understanding that even when you do everything right and it feels like failure, that is the enemy talking. You talk back with the God-Blessings that you receive by doing right ways.
Psalms 18:25-36 is declaring God Attributes in your life path. Again it is you talking back or aloud about how your Prince has rescued you and has fought the battle for you. It is a self reminder not to get stuck in not being enough. That is death. Stay away from it. God is your Source. He is your Everything from Alpha to Omega. He is your Commander. He has your orders and the way to do them. He is your Husbandman and Keeper. He is your Creator and He sure created us a bit more intricate and intimate that man. He understands all our nuances. He made us this way for a reason - for marriage and for man. He created us naturing and beautiful - two aspects of His Nature. Who else should we go to if we are feeling used up and ugly? The Source!!!! Fill up!!!
Psalms 18:37-42 is showing how God Attributes come through us. He arms us with strength / joy for the battle before us. Look how we crush our destroyers! We are not destroyed. We have the victory.
Psalms 18:42-50 is praise to God who rescued us. We are His chosen and that does not mean we lay down and die. We arise and claim victory over all that seek to crush us. The enemy hates our beauty. Satan will do anything to undermine us. By doing so he thinks he can bring down God. We know this yet our actions say we don't believe that God is our Salvation and Rescuer. Time to live this Psalm out moment by moment. Our story is a romance story and it has a happy ending. Time to make victory in our middles....
{wails beating my chest it is so powerful}
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
sea glass {n}
Humans are much like sea glass or beach glass. Broken pieces of bottles or glassware ruffed down by rough water and sand are to humans - life experiences. Smoothed and simple, all the rough edges gone.
As I have been reading about sea glass lately, there are genuine and artificial means of sea glass. I equated this to the human experience of God changing us or us trying to change ourselves. A genuine God-change has a much better smoothing out ability. An artificial me-change still leaves edges and toxins!
genuine vs artificial sea glass
As I have been reading about sea glass lately, there are genuine and artificial means of sea glass. I equated this to the human experience of God changing us or us trying to change ourselves. A genuine God-change has a much better smoothing out ability. An artificial me-change still leaves edges and toxins!
genuine vs artificial sea glass
Monday, October 15, 2007
attic window ...
My morning was spent on my Jeep and getting carted home the long way. I did find something interesting and delightful to record here. Homes. I like looking at them and wonder what it is like on the inside. And just having seen a beautiful palace over the weekend, I am quite sensitive to all things that make a dwelling a home - what goes with what, what colors will go with dark.. etc. Anyway back to the exterior!
I saw this house painted in a shade darker than barnyard red and trimmed in white. It is an older house with two stories stacked on top and an attic window on top of that. It sat there in there central with a pumpkin beaming from its place. It was cute and enjoyable for a traveler like me on my long way home. Ahhhhhh to homes. Ahhhhh to inviting decorations. So simple and such a crazy gift to my eyes and being!
I saw this house painted in a shade darker than barnyard red and trimmed in white. It is an older house with two stories stacked on top and an attic window on top of that. It sat there in there central with a pumpkin beaming from its place. It was cute and enjoyable for a traveler like me on my long way home. Ahhhhhh to homes. Ahhhhh to inviting decorations. So simple and such a crazy gift to my eyes and being!
Sunday, October 14, 2007
dreams vs REALITY ...
SWF seeks her own dream house - a skybox of sorts, a porch of sorts, a basement, and a garage.
I found it!
My living means today is a very small apartment. My passion of glass and painting makes my tiny kitchen part craftroom. I don't host or invite others over because eveything is like a bull in a babydoll china shop. If you want to feel tall or if you want to feel claustrophobic, come to my place. To me it is all about cozy. What I have is enough I know and I am learning to strip the excess off and try for having just the best. Being a semi-packrat, it can be hard at times but the right mood comes along I ride it for all I got and throw out. I am finding my creative engery a bit passive because I cannot spread out. I must clean as I go or I go a bit loony.
I look at my situation and I wonder why I am still here. I am an established adult single woman in the backyard of her 30's. Why am I still renting? I have an allergy to tobacco and where I live out of the 9 people I share the building with at least 4 of them smoke with all the smell coming into my apartment. Today I woke to a smoke smell not from cigarettes but to someone burning something. Yikes! I long to have a garage! I long to have a porch for growing things and just enjoying. I have been dreaming of my dream house for a long time now. I don't know for sure how long proabably since I was playing house as a wee girl.
Being single my search for a house that will not require mowing or much structure help. I don't want to have to pull Dad away from his own home and yard or depend on bros who have entirely different lives and directions. That means the house or condo is going to be more expensive than a fixer uper. I don't plan to do much searching because as I will later tell you is how the dreaming makes for me being very messed up. So there are these nice condos near by me and the parents. Something that tweaked my interest. So I braved up and went to check it out allllll by my lonesome. Now that is brave for me!
WOW! I loved it and that has been the only thing I can think about. Very disastrous since this is my vacation week and I really need to focus all my energies on painting. I doubt I got much sleep. But I really need to put my feet on the ground and focus on spacorizing my place and be ok.
Let me tell you all the good stuff! You open the front door to stairs. There is a door to the garage and if you go to the back of the garage (I found the exact place to put my beloved bicycle!) there is the door to the basement. It is not finished but all that space I would have a great place to plan out a glass shop and storage!! Oh wow! with an ikea mag, I could definately design a storage area (add to get list) to die for! Back to the entrace there is a nice window that looks out to rosebushes. I would put a nice pew bench (add to get list)so it would be easy for taking shoes off and maybe a nice coat rack. Sorry, definitely no shoes in this palace! You climb these stairs and it comes to a nice size livingroom with a sliding glass door with a small porch area. A small lovely wire table with two small chairs (add to get list) would be just right for breakfast and watching the sunrise! To the left of the stairs is a small kitchen. It is all done in black. I forgot to check out the sink. I would love a stainless steal. Wished I would have spent more time thinking about that kitchen. No stove or frig! bummer! (add to get list) It had an area with barstools. Not sure my oak colored table and hutch would look alright in the darkstuff. But it would have to! It had a west window. Good for the evening meal. I like to watch the skies. Being able to watch the sunset ranks very high on my list and I wasn't sure this place would cut it because there are a lot of trees. I was pleasantly surprised as this place being entirely on the second floor and the windows have great views east and west. I wouldn't have a south view and I might miss that having it now but having the east and west just might make up for that. It has two bedrooms with the master bedroom having a small walk-in closet and a nice bath too. Nice! It has a washroom for washer and dryer (add to get list) There are to areas on either side of the livingroom that one side would make an area where I could have bookshelves (add to get list) for a library and writing area!!!! The other side I could have my computers and craft area. Ideas and the get list are just piling up! Besides the huge price tag is the $95 a month for maintaince fees. No lawn mowing or snow sholving!
My biggest question is if the market is for the buyer and I see on the tv that sellers are adding nice incentives to the buyer's package, why can't I ask them to add a washer, dryer, stove, and frig of my choice without add to the cost? If I could I ask for a finished basement too or at the very least a nice storage unit from ikea. Ahhhhhh dreams!
I really need to rip the flyer to shreds and muck out all these dreams and plans I have. I have a week of vacation to enjoy and make the most of. No pining away for a skybox of dreams. I have my skybox right here and now. I don't have to worry about utilities and maintainance fees. I don't have to worry about the inflated property taxes that are ever skyrocketing. I don't have to worry the cost of fixing anything that is broken. I don't have to bear the burden of something soooo big on these wee shoulders of mine.
As I was climbing out of my jeep that will cost me $1,300 dollars when I take it in tomorrow to fix a stearing rack problem, I asked God what the purpose of teaching me independence of others instead of dependence.
I've been reminding myself that Jehovah Jireh, the Lord provided. I am ok where I am at in a wee home without worry vs a really nice home and not being able to enjoy because I am slaving away at bills that threaten to take me out.
I found it!
My living means today is a very small apartment. My passion of glass and painting makes my tiny kitchen part craftroom. I don't host or invite others over because eveything is like a bull in a babydoll china shop. If you want to feel tall or if you want to feel claustrophobic, come to my place. To me it is all about cozy. What I have is enough I know and I am learning to strip the excess off and try for having just the best. Being a semi-packrat, it can be hard at times but the right mood comes along I ride it for all I got and throw out. I am finding my creative engery a bit passive because I cannot spread out. I must clean as I go or I go a bit loony.
I look at my situation and I wonder why I am still here. I am an established adult single woman in the backyard of her 30's. Why am I still renting? I have an allergy to tobacco and where I live out of the 9 people I share the building with at least 4 of them smoke with all the smell coming into my apartment. Today I woke to a smoke smell not from cigarettes but to someone burning something. Yikes! I long to have a garage! I long to have a porch for growing things and just enjoying. I have been dreaming of my dream house for a long time now. I don't know for sure how long proabably since I was playing house as a wee girl.
Being single my search for a house that will not require mowing or much structure help. I don't want to have to pull Dad away from his own home and yard or depend on bros who have entirely different lives and directions. That means the house or condo is going to be more expensive than a fixer uper. I don't plan to do much searching because as I will later tell you is how the dreaming makes for me being very messed up. So there are these nice condos near by me and the parents. Something that tweaked my interest. So I braved up and went to check it out allllll by my lonesome. Now that is brave for me!
WOW! I loved it and that has been the only thing I can think about. Very disastrous since this is my vacation week and I really need to focus all my energies on painting. I doubt I got much sleep. But I really need to put my feet on the ground and focus on spacorizing my place and be ok.
Let me tell you all the good stuff! You open the front door to stairs. There is a door to the garage and if you go to the back of the garage (I found the exact place to put my beloved bicycle!) there is the door to the basement. It is not finished but all that space I would have a great place to plan out a glass shop and storage!! Oh wow! with an ikea mag, I could definately design a storage area (add to get list) to die for! Back to the entrace there is a nice window that looks out to rosebushes. I would put a nice pew bench (add to get list)so it would be easy for taking shoes off and maybe a nice coat rack. Sorry, definitely no shoes in this palace! You climb these stairs and it comes to a nice size livingroom with a sliding glass door with a small porch area. A small lovely wire table with two small chairs (add to get list) would be just right for breakfast and watching the sunrise! To the left of the stairs is a small kitchen. It is all done in black. I forgot to check out the sink. I would love a stainless steal. Wished I would have spent more time thinking about that kitchen. No stove or frig! bummer! (add to get list) It had an area with barstools. Not sure my oak colored table and hutch would look alright in the darkstuff. But it would have to! It had a west window. Good for the evening meal. I like to watch the skies. Being able to watch the sunset ranks very high on my list and I wasn't sure this place would cut it because there are a lot of trees. I was pleasantly surprised as this place being entirely on the second floor and the windows have great views east and west. I wouldn't have a south view and I might miss that having it now but having the east and west just might make up for that. It has two bedrooms with the master bedroom having a small walk-in closet and a nice bath too. Nice! It has a washroom for washer and dryer (add to get list) There are to areas on either side of the livingroom that one side would make an area where I could have bookshelves (add to get list) for a library and writing area!!!! The other side I could have my computers and craft area. Ideas and the get list are just piling up! Besides the huge price tag is the $95 a month for maintaince fees. No lawn mowing or snow sholving!
My biggest question is if the market is for the buyer and I see on the tv that sellers are adding nice incentives to the buyer's package, why can't I ask them to add a washer, dryer, stove, and frig of my choice without add to the cost? If I could I ask for a finished basement too or at the very least a nice storage unit from ikea. Ahhhhhh dreams!
I really need to rip the flyer to shreds and muck out all these dreams and plans I have. I have a week of vacation to enjoy and make the most of. No pining away for a skybox of dreams. I have my skybox right here and now. I don't have to worry about utilities and maintainance fees. I don't have to worry about the inflated property taxes that are ever skyrocketing. I don't have to worry the cost of fixing anything that is broken. I don't have to bear the burden of something soooo big on these wee shoulders of mine.
As I was climbing out of my jeep that will cost me $1,300 dollars when I take it in tomorrow to fix a stearing rack problem, I asked God what the purpose of teaching me independence of others instead of dependence.
I've been reminding myself that Jehovah Jireh, the Lord provided. I am ok where I am at in a wee home without worry vs a really nice home and not being able to enjoy because I am slaving away at bills that threaten to take me out.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
hated & favored
There seems to be a paradox of sorts... well, honestly there seems to be quite a few in the Bible, but I thought I would work one out. {sighs} well, maybe!
You will be hated in this world vs God's favor/ man's favor
I've been thinking about favor for a bit now and I think it is safe to say that it is very normal to feel a bit alien here and yes, hated! So when I am feeling God's favor and yes, man's favor, I know that isn't coming from man but rather God. (Cursed is the one who trusts in man- Jeremiah 17:5-8) So whether I am hated or walking in favor, God is ultimately in control not man and I find comfort in that. Wow, do I sound confusing or what?
I've been thinking about Joseph's story. Thrown away by his brothers, falsely accused of rape, and thrown into prison, Joseph still had God's favor and even man's favor. He is sitting in the midst of this paradox! What is meant for bad, God makes it good. I think you can go futher and say that when you feel hated, God will make it good in your soul's path...
The favor given Joseph overflowed and he was able to save the entire chosen race. Amazing. Keep the FAITH. Always mediate on these great Bible stories. I may not answer this paradox to my statisfaction but hey, a mystery is always unfolding, always giving... more for me to discover...
I've been thinking about favor for a bit now and I think it is safe to say that it is very normal to feel a bit alien here and yes, hated! So when I am feeling God's favor and yes, man's favor, I know that isn't coming from man but rather God. (Cursed is the one who trusts in man- Jeremiah 17:5-8) So whether I am hated or walking in favor, God is ultimately in control not man and I find comfort in that. Wow, do I sound confusing or what?
I've been thinking about Joseph's story. Thrown away by his brothers, falsely accused of rape, and thrown into prison, Joseph still had God's favor and even man's favor. He is sitting in the midst of this paradox! What is meant for bad, God makes it good. I think you can go futher and say that when you feel hated, God will make it good in your soul's path...
The favor given Joseph overflowed and he was able to save the entire chosen race. Amazing. Keep the FAITH. Always mediate on these great Bible stories. I may not answer this paradox to my statisfaction but hey, a mystery is always unfolding, always giving... more for me to discover...
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Moody October!
October finally arrived today swooshing out summer with its huge blue comforter blanketing the sky and winds bringing in cool temps to scurry us into fall coats. I loved October moody ways because the earth is still clothed in gold from the crops the farmer is harvesting. Then there will be days when the sun will be out in full but that will be another day. Time for stew! mmmm
Oops, have to share .. On the way home a young black cow was skipping around. What a delight!!
Oops, have to share .. On the way home a young black cow was skipping around. What a delight!!
Monday, October 08, 2007
control emotions by thought ...
From the book 'Quiet Leadership' there is a model of how we make our habits. Picture a big rock half in the ground and half out. What the rock is resting on is thinking. From the bottom of the rock to earth level is our feelings. From the earth to half way to the top is our behavior. Then the peak is our habit. Ok, now enters a girl who is resting heavily in her late thirties remembering this was the age her mom's emotions were sort of wacking out much like her own wierd ups and outs.
I am looking at this model thinking 'so there is a way to control my emotions?' It is about what I am thinking? I am soooooo trying to 'whatever is true, noble, just, pure, lovely, good report, virteous, praiseworthy - think on these things (phil 4:8). And that verse that spoke to me as I was entering my workplace - 'Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee.' I must keep the faith and toe the line with my thoughts.
One draw back... You gotta have a good word of validation in there somewhere. I am finding it hard to come by. God covers it all the bases, but having family and friends give you a pat feels good to. Sometimes you just what God with some skin on.
Try thanking, appreciation, validation, recognition, affirmation, confirmation on some people today... it softens their behavior... and sure could use some today...
I am looking at this model thinking 'so there is a way to control my emotions?' It is about what I am thinking? I am soooooo trying to 'whatever is true, noble, just, pure, lovely, good report, virteous, praiseworthy - think on these things (phil 4:8). And that verse that spoke to me as I was entering my workplace - 'Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee.' I must keep the faith and toe the line with my thoughts.
One draw back... You gotta have a good word of validation in there somewhere. I am finding it hard to come by. God covers it all the bases, but having family and friends give you a pat feels good to. Sometimes you just what God with some skin on.
Try thanking, appreciation, validation, recognition, affirmation, confirmation on some people today... it softens their behavior... and sure could use some today...
Sunday, October 07, 2007
wacky October ...
I cannot believe we are seven days into October. It has been reaching high 80's this past week and the promise of 90 today! It has been wild to still be wearing shorts and tees and sweating to boot! October is usually about long pants and long sleeves but not this year. I like my four seasons and as I say that I have been relishing this summer like weather. I have been taking my Saturdays walks and thanking God for this opportunity to get out and enjoy His Creation. The clouds were out in hosts and pretty fierce like. I totally loved the blues and whites. Pure Heaven.
By the end of the week the real October sounds like it will show up. Jeans, long sleeve shirts, jackets, and blankets just might come out. Our bodies might go in shock! {smirks} Right now our visuals seems a bit wacked out with some of the leaves turning and Summer hanging on for dear life.
The Fall leaves are said to be less brilliant this year because of the summer weather. Bummer. But that is ok. I will enjoy whatever the day will bring.
By the end of the week the real October sounds like it will show up. Jeans, long sleeve shirts, jackets, and blankets just might come out. Our bodies might go in shock! {smirks} Right now our visuals seems a bit wacked out with some of the leaves turning and Summer hanging on for dear life.
The Fall leaves are said to be less brilliant this year because of the summer weather. Bummer. But that is ok. I will enjoy whatever the day will bring.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
darkside of friendships ...
Today I am going there. Where? To the dark side of friendships. I love quotes. You know that big Barlett's quote book? I found the page that had friendships and photocopied them. I starred them my favorites and kept them in a notebook. I think I did that way back in college. Since then when I worked in a bookstore I was able to purchase my own weighted copy of Barlett's quote book! Last night I happened upon my photocopied quotes... What I was drawn to where the ones NOT starred - the ones that I absolutely felt are way off based and not worthy of notice... until now after decades of friendships come and gone have colored my views. Lets see a few!
'The first tempation, upon meeting an old friend after many years, is always to - look the other way.' UGO BETTI
Old friend after many years apart? Yikes. My young soul would not have had many years in between {sighs}. Well, I do believe tis true that you want to look away. More for me I would be beating down his chest for a reason why the space between us. Yet, I would want to look deeply into his soul and find the old him, find the fresh scars and old wounds, and delight in his dreams accomplished and new breaths he wants to take. It is rediscovery that is the best choice...
'Friendship [n] a ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.'AMBROSE BIERCE
I don't like this one but I live in a world that most feel this true. I cannot believe how many people out there HIDE! They never ever truly share! I could never figure this out and don't want to. I still share way to much and still have people reject me. Friendship is for the bad weather! ARgh! I am so glad I have a FOREVER FRIEND!
'Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.' SAMUEL BUTLER
I understand the how insane it is to keep friends. The amount in my empty wallet equals the amount of friends. I don't seek friends. I let them come to me. I believe friendship is like money in the fact that it is hard to make and keep.
'It's no good trying to keep up old friendships. It's painful for both sides. The fact is, one grows out of people , and the only thing is to face it.W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM
Whoa! I agree to this statement only in the fact of those 'friends' that you create in the workplace or whatever place you find yourself in, you just might move on and outgrow. But deep friendships are simply 'throw-aways'? Wow! Hate this one. Not my view but again I live a world full of this.
/// the kicker ///:
'We need new friends; some of us are cannibals who have eaten their old friends up; others must have ever-renewed audiences before whom to re-enact the ideal version of their lives.'LOGAN PEARALL SMITH
Remind me never to be friends with this logan guy. I know this is a view of people. Very sad indeed and because of this pain people feel is spewed outwardly on the rest of us.
So all of this uck is very dark and my young soul would not have withstood such a lurking place. I am stronger now. Will always hate the darkside of friendships but maybe my new outlook will bring more light and a better soft place to land. Knowing what you are up against, helps you see others with the veil pulled back. Counterdictory to say, but easier to love them...
'The first tempation, upon meeting an old friend after many years, is always to - look the other way.' UGO BETTI
Old friend after many years apart? Yikes. My young soul would not have had many years in between {sighs}. Well, I do believe tis true that you want to look away. More for me I would be beating down his chest for a reason why the space between us. Yet, I would want to look deeply into his soul and find the old him, find the fresh scars and old wounds, and delight in his dreams accomplished and new breaths he wants to take. It is rediscovery that is the best choice...
'Friendship [n] a ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.'AMBROSE BIERCE
I don't like this one but I live in a world that most feel this true. I cannot believe how many people out there HIDE! They never ever truly share! I could never figure this out and don't want to. I still share way to much and still have people reject me. Friendship is for the bad weather! ARgh! I am so glad I have a FOREVER FRIEND!
'Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.' SAMUEL BUTLER
I understand the how insane it is to keep friends. The amount in my empty wallet equals the amount of friends. I don't seek friends. I let them come to me. I believe friendship is like money in the fact that it is hard to make and keep.
'It's no good trying to keep up old friendships. It's painful for both sides. The fact is, one grows out of people , and the only thing is to face it.W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM
Whoa! I agree to this statement only in the fact of those 'friends' that you create in the workplace or whatever place you find yourself in, you just might move on and outgrow. But deep friendships are simply 'throw-aways'? Wow! Hate this one. Not my view but again I live a world full of this.
/// the kicker ///:
'We need new friends; some of us are cannibals who have eaten their old friends up; others must have ever-renewed audiences before whom to re-enact the ideal version of their lives.'LOGAN PEARALL SMITH
Remind me never to be friends with this logan guy. I know this is a view of people. Very sad indeed and because of this pain people feel is spewed outwardly on the rest of us.
So all of this uck is very dark and my young soul would not have withstood such a lurking place. I am stronger now. Will always hate the darkside of friendships but maybe my new outlook will bring more light and a better soft place to land. Knowing what you are up against, helps you see others with the veil pulled back. Counterdictory to say, but easier to love them...
Thursday, October 04, 2007
clarifying ...
What a difference a day makes! I love coming here to put down my thoughts. It clarifies. I have used this space to empty out and become more at peace with who I am. I never thought I had a lot of words but I am realizing that I do! My problem is there are very few who listen so I just get tired. Being quiet around others is much easier. Here I let the words tumble out. I also get to listen to other bloggers where maybe a topic is interesting but mostly it is what the writer pens that makes the topic interesting. Sometimes I realize that maybe how I pen isn't up to standard. So I keep trying to write better. It is two fold - therapy for my heart and soul and practise for my writing. Sometimes I get jealous when I see the encouraging comments on every entry! I toil on. My time isn't yet.
I really need to hunker down, take a whiff of fresh paper and ink, and begin to get serious! Here I thought I was earnest! I know growing pains! These feelings are growing pains telling me to make some good habits on my writing passions.
I really need to hunker down, take a whiff of fresh paper and ink, and begin to get serious! Here I thought I was earnest! I know growing pains! These feelings are growing pains telling me to make some good habits on my writing passions.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
messed up ...
Depression.
Wheeeee, I have been having some really funky emotions lately. I can't pinpoint the reason. My happy should be up with all the fish and fish oil I consume. My Joy should be up because I am more in love with God than ever before and ever thought possible. So what is up? Ragweed? The pre-M word?
Once again someone had to jump to the conclusion about the d-word.
Proverbs 12:25 says "Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad."
I must admit I am starving for a good word. My main love tank has been on empty for a long time. People are really getting on my nerves because they cannot follow through on their word! Oh, how we can change the world with good word. I saw it with my own father. I saw the anxiety starting to mount and I gathered family to say some good words. It worked! Not everyone partook of this experiment, but for those of us that did, it was good to see!
Proverbs 20: 3 says "It is honorable for a man to stop striving since any fool can start a quarrel."
Hmmmm, I was striving to get an answer to a question about work today. I felt the angst and quarrel begin to turn my insides out. No, I was not seeking to fight. I am just having a hard time trying to understand how the system works. I know I was having difficulty trying to phrase the question right, but I most definitely wasn't getting the answer I needed or thought I needed. I dropped the conversation and walked away with tears in my heart. What is wrong with me? Oh, I was striving and way too hard. The striving causes the angst and sparks a quarrel! Wow! I wondered at this proverb... Striving doesn't seem like a bad word... but it is very dangereous!
No wonder I am having deflated thoughts! NOOOOO it is not depression but if I don't get some of my love tanks filled...
Time to water.
Proverbs 11: 25 says "The generous soul will be made rich, and he who waters will also be watered."
.: formulas :.
depression = anxiety
interference = striving
performance = potential - interference/striving
good word ÷'s anxiety = glad heart
Wheeeee, I have been having some really funky emotions lately. I can't pinpoint the reason. My happy should be up with all the fish and fish oil I consume. My Joy should be up because I am more in love with God than ever before and ever thought possible. So what is up? Ragweed? The pre-M word?
Once again someone had to jump to the conclusion about the d-word.
Proverbs 12:25 says "Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad."
I must admit I am starving for a good word. My main love tank has been on empty for a long time. People are really getting on my nerves because they cannot follow through on their word! Oh, how we can change the world with good word. I saw it with my own father. I saw the anxiety starting to mount and I gathered family to say some good words. It worked! Not everyone partook of this experiment, but for those of us that did, it was good to see!
Proverbs 20: 3 says "It is honorable for a man to stop striving since any fool can start a quarrel."
Hmmmm, I was striving to get an answer to a question about work today. I felt the angst and quarrel begin to turn my insides out. No, I was not seeking to fight. I am just having a hard time trying to understand how the system works. I know I was having difficulty trying to phrase the question right, but I most definitely wasn't getting the answer I needed or thought I needed. I dropped the conversation and walked away with tears in my heart. What is wrong with me? Oh, I was striving and way too hard. The striving causes the angst and sparks a quarrel! Wow! I wondered at this proverb... Striving doesn't seem like a bad word... but it is very dangereous!
No wonder I am having deflated thoughts! NOOOOO it is not depression but if I don't get some of my love tanks filled...
Time to water.
Proverbs 11: 25 says "The generous soul will be made rich, and he who waters will also be watered."
.: formulas :.
depression = anxiety
interference = striving
performance = potential - interference/striving
good word ÷'s anxiety = glad heart
change or not?
When is it good to change?
When I ask the question like this, I am also saying that there are going to be times when change is bad. I am all for learning and learning by all means is a force of change in your life because of the excitement you get over new stuff. But when someone begins to label you by asking you if you are part of the change or if you are part of the problem, there is something wrong... Are you allowed to question change? YES!
I have a huge pet peeve. IF SOMETHING CAN BE DONE BETTER AND MORE EFFICIENTLY, CHANGE! MAKE A NEW HABIT!!!!! and this is the only time change is good. Why must we bang our heads against the same wall before we realize that we could save precious brain cells?
No, I am not perfect. But I do try to always do better than before. If something is too hard, I am always trying to find an easier friendlier way. Life is hard enough so why would I want to make it harder!!! People bump into each other daily if not every moment. Be careful. Change is only good when you are doing in your own life and performance. Change is bad if you are trying to make it happen in someone else or if you bulldoze over another's feelings and life experience!
I do believe I got my soapbox out!!!
When I ask the question like this, I am also saying that there are going to be times when change is bad. I am all for learning and learning by all means is a force of change in your life because of the excitement you get over new stuff. But when someone begins to label you by asking you if you are part of the change or if you are part of the problem, there is something wrong... Are you allowed to question change? YES!
I have a huge pet peeve. IF SOMETHING CAN BE DONE BETTER AND MORE EFFICIENTLY, CHANGE! MAKE A NEW HABIT!!!!! and this is the only time change is good. Why must we bang our heads against the same wall before we realize that we could save precious brain cells?
No, I am not perfect. But I do try to always do better than before. If something is too hard, I am always trying to find an easier friendlier way. Life is hard enough so why would I want to make it harder!!! People bump into each other daily if not every moment. Be careful. Change is only good when you are doing in your own life and performance. Change is bad if you are trying to make it happen in someone else or if you bulldoze over another's feelings and life experience!
I do believe I got my soapbox out!!!
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
waste not ...
God does NOT waste my sorrow, nor my pain. Rather He redeems my tradegies with His Glory.
I have been thinking about 'waste not' a lot lately. I am finding it in the little rebutals I retort out loud in the quiet spaces of my home when I am trying to figure out who I want to be. I am trying to stand firm with what I say to what I feel deeply inside. I have high values and desires yet when it comes to my mouth, I am not as confident sounding. I blame my ever sweet shy side. I hate sounding closed down. See, I also like to known as a good listener. Oh, the excuses I am coming up with!!!!
I have desided that 'waste not' is a good way for me to really align my words with what I really want to do with my life. Here are a few marching orders:
* I will not waste my relationship with God on impure actions. I don't have time for curious about the things of the flesh or the things of human nature. I am bought with a price. (1 Cor 6:20 & 7:23)
* I will not waste my time over the future state of me like wondering if I will finally own my home (yikes .. stomach just bottomed out!) or if I will finally find some poor chap who can stand me enough to stick with me in marriage (puppy eyes). God only promised me today. So why waste my time? Daydreaming is fine but only if it is productive in the creative department! So it is what is on my plate today and that it enough! No more borrowing trouble of what might not be.
I have been thinking about 'waste not' a lot lately. I am finding it in the little rebutals I retort out loud in the quiet spaces of my home when I am trying to figure out who I want to be. I am trying to stand firm with what I say to what I feel deeply inside. I have high values and desires yet when it comes to my mouth, I am not as confident sounding. I blame my ever sweet shy side. I hate sounding closed down. See, I also like to known as a good listener. Oh, the excuses I am coming up with!!!!
I have desided that 'waste not' is a good way for me to really align my words with what I really want to do with my life. Here are a few marching orders:
* I will not waste my relationship with God on impure actions. I don't have time for curious about the things of the flesh or the things of human nature. I am bought with a price. (1 Cor 6:20 & 7:23)
* I will not waste my time over the future state of me like wondering if I will finally own my home (yikes .. stomach just bottomed out!) or if I will finally find some poor chap who can stand me enough to stick with me in marriage (puppy eyes). God only promised me today. So why waste my time? Daydreaming is fine but only if it is productive in the creative department! So it is what is on my plate today and that it enough! No more borrowing trouble of what might not be.
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