not a good girlfriend ...

A woman's retreat is coming up in March at church. This kind of thing does not interest Mom or me. We just know that if we would go we would feel like an outcast etc. Welllllll, a lady I admire for some time from a distance asked if I would consider going to the retreat. I smiled and said no, its to loud for me. She again pleaded asking if I would think about it. I said no and that I admired her as I reached out to touch her arm. Tears filled my eyes as I turned to go. This was hard to say no but I am that sure. However, by saying a final no does not mean this girl won't think about it. I was moved.

A comment she made has stuck with me. She said that she was not a good girlfriend and all her life she was around guys. I was like wow! I am not a good girlfriend either! However, I wondered what her birth order was. I am a first born girl of two brothers. My brothers' worlds had no influence over me so besides me not fitting into a girls world, I don't fit into a guys world. I have and will always struggle with understanding the friendship thing. I am the classic loner. I am single. She is married with boys in their late teen years. We are probably around the same age. I think she have been a tom boy. I am very creative. There are a lot of unknowns and with my track record, I am not sure I want to risk taking on a friendship only to have her walk away.

I would like to send her a card but I am concerned about messing up admiration that is already established. Why risk admiration that is a sure thing on an uncertain gamble of friendship?

In this lull where most of my frienships are dead or quiet, I have studied my history. I do not pursue friendships rather I let them come to me. I thought I did my very best and wondered why they left. Then I had a 'table-epiphany'. I wanted deep. I craved deep and all I got was what they brought to the table. I finally realized that I could only have what they brought and nothing more. Then I was reading in Proverbs that I could be choosy when it came to friends! Here I was taking what was coming my way and jumping in with all of me! Ok, I know - loser! I am understanding that if someone comes in friendship, I have a choice to decide if and how much of a friendship I wanted. I understand that I too bring something to the table.

I am unsettled when it comes to new friendships. I am learning but I am not sure of these new legs. Maybe I am learning something about 'not being a good girlfriend'. Just maybe there is a whole group of women out there who belong to this 'not a good girlfriend' club. Hmmm, so I can stop wondering what it is like to have a ton of girlfriends doing the game nights and girls night outs. Whew!!! I know I don't handle groups. I'm just a one on one type.

I knew here would be a good place to pull out all my thoughts and maybe I will figure out my next step or maybe I will be still...