prodigal son's older brother ...

About 10 years ago I heard a sermon or podcast about the prodigal son's older & angry brother.  I am an older brother type.  I couldn't understand why the older brother would be reprimanded for his anger.  What he stated was true.  He toed the line.  He stayed home and worked hard, loved his family, and wasn't a heartache to his parents. Why all the celebration for the younger sibling?  How many times will this sibling get away with the talk but not the walk?  I didn't get it but I filed it away for later.  Well, later has arrived and I was right there being that older brother and down right LIVID.

Well, I received second hand news that my brother is "coming back home."  He is trying to restore and make things right.  Great! Yay!  But what made me boil was his excuse for living as he has been living.  He isn't a harden criminal.  In fact he has a soft heart and he likes girls who take advantage of him.  He married one and 3 years ago the it ended.  I don't fault him for that.  However, he is off trying to feed that want of a woman.  He has gone to this Christian men's group and it really touch him.  He stopped by Mom & Dad's house and was talking with Mom.  One of the things that came up was how he couldn't understand why his sister and brother really didn't want to have anything to do with him and that is why he has all these issues.  Supposedly he realizes that was a wrong thing.    WHAT? Ok.  I know that is what he had thought but it doesn't do anything to quiet how LIVID I am. What a lousy excuse to waste about 40 years of his life.

Let's just start at the beginning.  Back in our elementary days, being poor our parents every Saturday night would go to the mall to window shop.  It was a chance for Mom to get out of the house being a 1 car family.  I remember leaning over to by brother to say something as we were walking along.  He said "get away from me.  I do not want anyone to know you are my sister."  I am an adult and that was said when we were mere kids.  I am not angry at him for this.  Nor have I held it as an excuse to blame him for all my problems like he is the reason I have never married.  No.  Lame excuse.  However, I have given him wide berth.  I desperately wanted him to like me.  Mom had always said she wanted her kids to be friends.  Family should be the best place to have real good friends that will have your back.  Well, when I wanted to play in the neighborhood games at the ball field, I didn't because my brother was there playing and I would embarrass him.  Instead books and my bike were my friends.  For high school we had two years of band together, but I let him do his own thing and stayed away.  Very few people knew we were brother and sister even though our last name was not common.  Same way with college, we had two years and very few people knew we were brother and sister.  Giving him space did not mean I hated him.  I have always wanted to be close to him.  Maybe with years we would get closer.  I felt that allowing him to do his thing was what he wanted.  I have had moments of where I felt more connected to him in conversation than my "twin" brother ten years younger.  Those moments were because we are nearer in age but those connections have been so brief.  Because I didn't understand him, I have read many books about guys to help me get a man's world but never could I use my brother as an excuse for the voids in my life.

I have champion him all his life.  After he broke up with some girl, my little brother and I went to his seedy apartment house.  We got pizza and a movie.  We were there to cheer him up.  After his marriage broke apart, I got him Christmas things like a small tree and a lot of cookies that all he had to do was put them on a cookie sheet and bake and warm cookies right from the oven.  I wanted my nephew to know that his dad was good and that he still would have Christmas.  For his birthdays after the divorce, I was very strategic.  I got him things to encourage his gifts.  I have gotten him some art pencils and drawing paper.  I got him a book about the Hobbit movie.  Inside was an artist dream.  There were drawings of the different characters.  What boy wouldn't want his father to draw Hobbit characters and have them framed on his bedroom walls?  My thought throughout the years has always been what can I do to draw out his gifts.  That first Christmas he was invited to send the day at my house so he would not be alone on Christmas day.  I cared about his heart.  I have lived the single life and I know the dark corners.  I cared enough to shine light on him.

Mom was taken aback when I exploded.  She doesn't want me to ruin any comeback he is trying to make.  She doesn't want me to be mad at him.  Good grief.  I have always come around.  I will again but I so need time to process this all.  Argh!  The past three years after each family gathering, you can find me tattling on my brother and what the kids are going through to my Heavenly Father.  I am pouring out my guts and tears to God.  What a mess my nephew and his sister has to go through.  I don't care if they look like they are ok.  The bro is with a girl and her three daughters -- one which we haven't met because she is a troubled teen.  Come on!  I feel he should go stag.  Forget these women.  Get right with God and your son.  Maybe then my anger would go away.  Mom said things used to be black and white but today is grey.  Mom, the Bible is still black and white.  "Obedience brings blessing.  Disobedience brings punishment."***

Back to the prodigal son's older and angry brother--
I don't like being angry.  I needed God to be patient with me but to help me through this mess in my heart and mind.  O, how He has.  Each day He brought things to me like:

* I do not want to be disqualified.  Didn't I just tell a co-worker to get through and not wallow?  I must too.

* the FORGIVEN forgive

* act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God -- Micah 6:8

* Joseph didn't blame his brothers.  "God made me not you."
I have fallen in love with the story of Joseph.  Again.  Rejected?  Thrown away?  But never rejected or thrown away by God.  He was always there.  Redeeming the bad things.  AMEN!!

* Who is the enemy?
→ lies, excuses, duplicity, hoodwinked
not flesh and blood!!

* Am I not tenacious?
So what is a little more long-suffering?

Well, I have spewed.  I have pushed out of my brain and heart and into my fingers and out onto the page.  I can exhale and can love again.  Hopefully, my outbursts of mutterings after remembering some little history that proves I have always cared about him will cease.  And that red bump on my forehead from banging my head on the table will stop throbbing.

*** Adrien Rogers

little bird, big storm ...

Bravely the little bird clung there out in the storm;

torn by each blast that was flung there,

chirped to keep himself warm;

ruffled his feathers and clung there,

till frozen and stiff it hung there,

spring came and still it swung there,

    all that was left of the storm.

by Ruth Graham Bell's Collected Poems

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I do not like this poem because it is so sad.  It is not a pretty picture.  On a normal day I would turn the page in search of a happier place but today it is exactly the words I needed to hear.

I am that bird.  I clung to my little perch.  I chirped.  I ruffled my feathers.  That storm did not care.  It took me out.  It does not matter if the storm was wrong or petty.  It does not matter if the storm is full of it's own power.  It does not matter if the storm is controlling.  It does not matter if the storm is all-consuming. I am little.  Storm is big.  Blasted, frozen, dead stiff are all consequences for thinking this was a silly little matter.  

To ultimately honor my Heavenly Father I must honor and obey my boss no matter even if she says not to sneeze.  If I cannot honor her in the littlest of matters, how can I honor her in the big matters.  How can God give me a job that I would love much better if I cannot do my currant mundane job with God-given JoY.  {sign}

I still do not like this poem but I will carry it in my heart as I go back to work tomorrow a bit more wiser, a bit more quiet, a bit more focused on my Heavenly Father.  Spring is to be full of new life not death.  I need to make it to Spring.  I choose life not death.....

I must be the bird under His Wing not the frozen bird in a winter storm.

working for a 'huffer'

To serve with gladness has been taking a lot of trying to stand down & re-coat my back for extra ease of letting things roll off. I just cannot work in a constant state of trembling and huffing. If I wanted to work in such a place than I would be a police girl in a riot.

I had to take this job because it was offer from the same company that let me go from AP when the economy down turned. I didn't want this job but felt that God had something to this. I really want to be creative instead of being a bean counter and mastering excel sheets. I cried out to God last night on my way home and I promised that I would not think about w@(& during MY weekend.

Last week God brought me a rainbow to take the bend out of my back, this week it is a new favorite book that I happened to get on Monday when I took a day off to visit with a friend who is back from Germany. (this day off made me work 40hrs in 4 days to try to keep the boss happy with no luck.) The book is "Come Away My Beloved" by Frances J. Roberts. It is written as God talking to you. I am eating it up!

This is what I am dwelling on today:
Safety in God's Will
My Will is not a place, but a condition. Do not ask Me WHERE or WHEN, but ask Me HOW. You will discover blessing in every place, and any place, if thy spirit is in tune with Me. No place nor time is more hallow than another when ye are truly in love with Me.

I direct every motion in thy life, as the ocean bears a ship. Your will and intelligence may be at the helm, but divine providence and sovereignty are stronger forces. Ye can trust Me, knowing that any pressure that I bring to bear upon thy life is initiated by My Love, and I will not do this except as ye are willing and desire.

Many a ship has sailed from port to port with no interference by Me, because Strong Will has been at the wheel. Multitudes of pleasure cruises go merrily in their ways, untouched by the Power of My Hand.

But ye have put thy life into My Keeping, and because ye are depending on Me for guidance and direction, I shall give it. Move on steadily, and know that the waters that carry thee are the waters of My Love and My Kindness, and I shall keep thee on the right course.

Wow! I have found a new favorite book and author and want to get all of her books. What a blessing to dear broken and weary heart.

to respect your man ...

I DO NOT have a problem with respecting a man. It is a God-Command for a good union. Plus, to 'fear' God means to honor and respect. I understand the lordship of Sarah with her man, Abraham. Because of this, first on requirement on my 'man-list] is that I must be able to follow the man's leadership. If you can follow his leadership, all the more you will be able to respect him.

Here I went and read a book that explains the respect issue a bit. I agree you must respect your man's thoughts, his words, his judgements, and his actions. What was very new to me was the respecting his ''figuring it out for himself''. Uh oh! This could be a mine field! My experience has been with moody ones that quiet up or ditch you. How do you steer away from their 'figuring out' when in discussion over issues and problems? Not a clue! (BTW how do we get in trouble over suggestions when in our own issues that all we want is an ear and they are there with all kinds of suggestions......then if you get mad or don't take their advise you disrespect???? grrr.)

There was two examples of when the boys are in the figuring out stage. One was when they are out driving. They don't really want directions. They want to figure it so girls just enjoy the ride. It his adventure and he wants to share it with you. I get this. My father loves Sunday drives. We are amazed at all his know how when it comes to driving w/o maps. I have map skills and not afraid to tackle going to a new place. In fact I have travelled to a neighboring state allllll by myself w/ maps but I did it! The second example is of a man with all the entertainment components all over the floor and taking all day to hook things up. I am a tinkerer myself so there are few house projects I could do on my own so I really need to watch this. Can I ask to take up certain responsibilities w/o him getting his ego miffed? Say a wife wants the towel bar fixed in the bathroom and it goes days. The wife thinks and sees that she can fix it and gets the screw gun or the glue out and fixes it. Disrespect? Yikes. These examples are kind of on the lighter side but are very dangerous for man bashing.

But what about the super serious stuff like if the man is dealing with work issues that are beating him down? What if he turns melancholic and into a slow burn? These are issues. These need figuring out. It is sooooo hard to sit on the sidelines with a sock in the mouth in order to control the urge to burst forth with 'help'. I am so upset about this because I thought I had the respect issue down and here my whole world got messed up when I thought I had it neat and orderly.

A couple finishing thoughts....
'Anger is expressed when they are disrespected.' <-- a clue!
'Nagging and repeated requests is disrespect.' <-- a personal clue

Some personal rules I made for myself to follow:
1. Never put down - always build up.
2. Never ever tell them what to do! <-- general rule for all peeps
3. Woman is the man's helpmate - never ever the other way around.

I am so messed up because I thought a marriage union was all about the us but of late it seems it has to be all about him....

minimal ...

On Sunday I began to feel like a nothing. I have been under some major stress and feel that I have to knock out interferences in life in order for my potential to make a good performance. I have decided that when the little things at work or even at home come in my way that I will jump in and do what they ask with my game face on so they don't know it is bothering me and so that I don't let my bad attitude take hold. Now that I have done this I feel like I am taking everything with a whatever mode so that I don't behave badly.

What is really shaking me up is that I had a notion that I need to scrape out everything thing I do and start over. What? Yeah, I believe with all my heart that I cannot change the core of who I am. I tried it and it doesn't work so why is this coming to me now?

I feel isolated. Some of it is because of me. I do not go with the crowd. I am quiet. I don't force myself onto others. I hate it when others live outside their box and splatter their behavior all over me. I over think. I am tenacious. Dad calls me stubborn. I see things differently then others do. I abhor people telling me what to do. I loathe the disrespect shown when people tell you how to feel or what to think.

I feel isolated and this one thing I cannot control it. My food allergies make me more remote than I already feel. It can take on the ultimate form of not listening. It can even take on disrespect towards my feelings. I really have to watch this as this happens with those I love. Then there is work where I have to say yes or no to a luncheon. I have to ask about the food. I don't like doing that and because I was raised to eat everything on the plate -no complaints. Then I get an answer that didn't even go with my question! So, I am leaning towards just saying no rather then asking again. The last time I a guy co-worker wanted to know my answer. I asked what they were serving. He wouldn't tell me so I said no. I didn't give him the reason. It is a big tado over nothing every time I talk about all 36 food allergies. Why should everyone know when all they can say is I couldn't do it and then isolate me. Do you think this is fun? (I think I should develop a comic routine on my food allergies. Maybe a little humor will lighten me up!)

You know it just isn't working for me anymore. The payoff is lousy. So what can I do? Have a personality-change?

pressed on all sides ...

I have a bit to jaw on as I feel my world crumbling. So I have this math job when I am an English person who likes to write and read. I am a work horse and have made this job work since my like of patterns is in some sort math related. I have gotten this work nailed down with only a little that may goo out like mayo on a slightly smashed sandwich. I have a tiny office but it was just enough for me. In fact I got to choose the office and I chose it because it was small.

Work has consolidated another sister work into one making the work load a bit heavy. I have been going over the 40 hr limit to keep my head above water. I have nothing against the boss in fact I find that is the best boss so far but I have had some pretty ucky bosses. He has this idea though that I don't like. He has gotten me help but this person isn't a work horse but more of a show horse or a talking horse. You aren't going to get much help or team work out of someone like that. I hope this co-worker will prove me wrong but highly doubt it.

Then today the boss isn't wanting me to take my desk! At this place I have had some pretty lousy desks and work space but in those jobs I tolerated it. In this job I found and wanted a work space I could do my best work. It has a nice long flat area which is helpful with all the stacks of paper I deal with and it has a unique file drawer that is up high and files go from left to right in the drawer instead of back to front. This is great for the back when you are having to use these files constantly. I tried to explain why I wanted the desk so maybe I will get to keep it. I even want to have some say in the way it is position in the office. I believe designing a work space should enable you to work better. Let me tell you there are some offices that scream for a better space. Well, since they decided to do this move tomorrow and I am taking the day off, I won't have a say. I wonder if the other girl will have a say or if the boss has it in his head how it is going to be.

I just feel stupid and a cry baby about the whole thing yet I feel like I am not being heard or that I should just take it and hold it all in. I am finding that I can't and I don't know how to function. I hate looking bad and not taking something in stride is bad and unchristian like or so my feelings say.

I have been spiritually attacked on all sides. Because I feel so bad about my job, I am afraid of my attitude. I got to get it in shape. The economy is shaky and for the boat industry, it could be the survival of the fittest. Also, I know I would rather do a passion but creativity doesn't pay the bills. With all the changes at work, it is making my emotions really intense. Then I had a relationship from the past come back that I didn't want back. I did say no but I really hurt some one's feelings. It is not easy doing the right thing and I find myself second guessing how I did it. I had to say no but did I do it right without this person turning even further from God? All of this caused me to wish for a relationship from the past that was reallllllllly good to come back. I know it probably wouldn't be the same but I don't know why I was left and crazy me still misses the connection and the God talks. Today I saw him online. I said a simple hi just to keep the window open. Of course nothing. It was too much. I can't hold it together anymore. Tears was on the menu as I hurried to work. Then there is a guy that arrived at the same time I did who was there for a meeting so I got him settled. Guess what his name was? The same as the guy I wish would come back.... Talk about rub it in your face.

I did keep this relationship stuff to myself when a believer at work stopped by. She isn't a very good choice to talk about the matters of the heart. Any hint about guy stuff and she is off crushing my pearls! She is married too! ARgh. So it was a victory that I kept it to myself without incurring more pain upon my battered up heart. I did share my hurt about the changes and how purchasing is making it harder to do my job and that was ok too because I was able to keep it off her crushing me more and onto the Word. So there is a small victory here. She did suggest Psalms 139 and I did read and found comfort.

I can't wait to spend the day with my mom tomorrow. She is such a great friend and comfort. So tonight I am off to whisper a words to my Heavenly Father who will hold me in huge burly arms and rock me to sleep. I am hoping my tears are done and that He finds praise and thanksgiving bubbling up in my heart as He sings over me....

he knows ...

Brother and his family left Father's Day gathering yesterday and Tink started his typical barking because he hates being left and entering his plea was a cry. He knew he wasn't going home. Later, when he went inside he looked out the bay window with his ears flopped over looking, tears welded up and anger seethed in my heart. Tink has feelings. He is sad and he doesn't understand.

Tink, brother's dog, has been dumped upon my mother's conscious and she packed him and took him home a week ago Friday to live with the other two boys, Bobby and Andy. Tink is a mid size dark coat toy fox terrier. Tink is more of a challenge to train but being a last born brother was at odds at trying to train. Pretty much he was lazy and quite lousy with his training of Tink. Now with a daughter he wants Tink out. He says there is biting issues and waking up the baby issues. And to be fair with brother, there was a time I wouldn't have known what to do with Tink either. But Tink has found a place in my heart and being abandoned has tempered me and even slowed me down. I feel and love Tink as much as I love Bobby and Andy. I do worry because Bobby and Andy don't care for Tink. Andy is the Enforcer of rules and guards all cookie boxes or food bags. Andy is the pack leader. Bobby too curls his upper lip and gives sad eyes saying he isn't getting the rightful amount of attention. So Mom, Dad, and I try to give much love to all three. It looks like it is a forever deal especially of the off handed remarks made by brother about hating fox terriers and how it has been so great to get rid of Tink.

I am so livid. He knows better. Mother had better make it real clear to him as she said to me that he must swear never to get another dog until Tink dies. I am crying as I write. I know I said that I would be respectful of family but this hurts. The once twin 10 years apart is quickly becoming a stranger to me. In fact I am finding my middle brother much more in common with me.

One of my top pet peeves is abandonment. When you take on responsibility, you have got to see to it to the end. Abandonment is worse than death. It hurts and it is such a slow death. How do convey to a dog that he is better off in my parents home where he is loved unconditionally when humans don't even understand abandonment? He is in a tough situation where he is loved by humans but not really by the other dogs... How do you convey to all the dogs that you love each and every one equally?

After the bros and families had left, the boys got there wish of humans sitting with them. Tink laid down with his head nestled within his blanket and with ears durped, he fell asleep. I am left to wonder if he sad or tired... probably both.

Maggie unwanted

A righteous [man] regardeth the life of his beast: but the tender mercies of the wicked [are] cruel.
Proverbs 12:10

what is a scoffer?

scoff |skôf; skäf|

verb [ intrans. ]
speak to someone or about something in a scornfully derisive or mocking way : department officials scoffed at the allegations

noun
an expression of scornful derision.
• archaic an object of ridicule :

DERIVATIVES
scoffer -noun
scoffingly -adverb
ORIGIN Middle English (first used as a noun in the sense [mockery, scorn] ): perhaps of Scandinavian origin.

A scoffer according to the Bible is abomination to men! Proverbs 24:9 Abomination means atrocity, disgrace, horror, obscenity, outrage, evil, crime, monstrosity, anathema, bane, detestation, loathing, hatred, aversion, antipathy, revulsion, repugnance, abhorrence, odium, execration, disgust, horror, hostility. (antonym liking, love.)

In common terms a scoffer is anyone who speaks ill of another or is against the flow. It is extremely important to weed out of your life! How much more plain can the Word of God be? I know that I am sooooo worried about not rocking the boat that maybe I shouldn't be! The scoffers are the ones rocking about and making the mess. Toss them out and you will bail yourself out of danger! Take heart my feeble one!

cast out the scoffer!!

cast out the scoffers ...

Cast out the scoffers and contention will leave;
yes, strife and reproach will cease.
Proverbs 22:10

I love how God's word just burst forth in a new and deeper way. Yesterday I was fuming over scoffers at work. Oh, I was stamping my foot and throwing a temper inside. I just wanted to put them in their place. A co-worker was talking about another co-worker to me and while doing so was trying to 'teach' me the rules according to her. Her lousy mini-boss made a snide comment over a plan my mini-boss put on them. I was livid. I huge pet peeve for me is the lack of teamwork. Anyway knowing my thoughts where going to bring me down, I tried very hard not hash over the erks of the day. I tried filling my mind with song. Then I happened upon this verse.

I may not be able to kindly say a word to shut them up or it just might not be the right way to reflect Jesus. But I can cast out the scoffers by not allowing them to start in on their reproaching. I don't like walking away when people are talking but I just might have to make a rule for myself to walk away when they start to bad mouth others. I might not be able to escape the snide comments that seem to blurt out when I least except it but I can ignore it and mentally go to this verse or burst out into song inside my brain. Would it be wrong to answer a rude comment by saying ' O, I didn't just hear what you said' and walk out? Probably isn't being kind.

No matter. Just having this verse pop out at me today gave me the confidence that I was on the right track. Oh, if it where so easy to forget underhanded remarks.

stealing flowers ...

Back in the 70's when we lived in a trailer park, we had the run of the hood. Rules where important. We did not enter the other yards unless they were friends. We rode our bikes all over the place but on the roads only. One day a boy picked raspberries on from some one's bush. The neighbor contacted the mother and the boy was punished. The boy took the punishment and didn't do it again.

Today I live in low income housing apartment. The building I live in has no kids but most of the other buildings have kids. These kids have no respect of place and run wild. The bigger kids resort to nasty wrestling that looks painful. The littler kids are stealing and destroying the flowers along our building. This latter continual incident makes me livid. Then to top it off one of the bigger kids used disrespectful language towards a female adult.

I have reported the flower stealing to the manager but of course that isn't going very far. I have talked to a couple of the little ankle bitters but they have more little tots around that didn't get the message. There is one who has been told and has a look about her that whatever you say will not sink in.

I am not a leader and quite timid. I am one who does not have kids because early on I knew I could not deal with children in the way they should be. Plus, I was raised 2 generations behind the one I was in and I would end up raising my own children about 4 to 6 generations behind the generation they were in. There is no team to back me up either.

I feel very badly. I feel that I should begin some planting group for these pee wees. By teaching them the process of flowers then maybe they would have respect for other's. Maybe if their flowers where picked and destroyed, they would be more conscious of others. However, whatever I do will be throw back in my face. I much rather get that condo I fell in love with last fall. There I could be alone with my flowers and herbs but here I am quaking in anger over stolen flowers and the frustration I have over not being so good at leading...

Just this summer gang signs are gratified on the trash dumpster and on the brick of an apartment building. I know I am not in the best of places. Maybe it is time to move on...

Or maybe staying, I can use my questions and my joy as strength... Maybe by teaching flowers, the Creator could be seen ...

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:14-16

confrontation s.o.s ...

I admitted that one of my biggest weaknesses is CONFRONTATION and it just so happens that I heard a radio speaker talk about this issue. I of course was all ears to the point I was very excited and could not wait to hear the second installment the next day. The speaker is Tim Downs. (He is an author but when I went to google him there was another author Tim Downs whose books looked like novels. I don't think I found the right Tim Downs.) The bold print are Tim's thoughts...

You get into the most trouble in marriage in what is NOT said.
Wow! In most of my relationships I tread so carefully and keep things to myself. I don't say what I want to say. Often I find it good to be slow in speaking. Plus, it seems I get into more trouble when I finally do get the nerve up and say something. I even try to be good and kind. Doesn't matter. It is usually the deal breaker.

Man turns all emotions he doesn't understand into the one emotion he does know quite well -> ANGER!
Wow! Great insight! This makes it easier to understand man better. Being afraid of anger and knowing down deep about the need of outside help at times to tip the steam on the pressure cooker so that you don't explode all over others, I wonder how to make this work. I will tuck it back in my heart for later. I did have a conversation with x about anger and needing a mate to understand just will help tip the steam.... but never got to explore it with him. In fact the last thing I know about x was that he was dealing with anger....

God's Anger protests evil and protects Good.
Ooo, I like this picture! Simple and right on.

Divorce comes from the residue of the bitterness and resentment and anger.
I have residue buildup in my relationship with little bro because he forgot my birthday. It has already been a month. Sure, I know he is suppppppppppppppper busy but it sure makes me feel worthless. I have mulled it over and over wondering how to approach him on this. No matter how I try to it, I see him exploding all over. I hate high frequency pitches.

Depression can be the extreme form of anger.
I don't think it can be, I know it for sure. My melancholy came from not being able to use my voice and not being seen to have a brain. I had a joy epiphany and I had a relationship that I could really think aloud with another. But when that person got tired of my endless thoughts, I found a huge relief in writing in this little piece of space. I just don't look at the visitor count! I keep reminding myself that this is ultimately me sharing my God conversations and mental battles. God is paying attention whether or not any one else cares or not.

Ephs 4:15 = Loving confrontation - 'speaking truth in love'
Truth is the contents but love is the packaging. Become a packing expert.
I spent a lot of time trying to figure out this. I have a beef about little bro forgetting my birthday and wonder how to package this. I kept coming up with him ending up exploding. Not good. At this point I had to wait for the next day for the speaker to finish. Maybe I will have more tips to make a loving confrontation.

97% of conflict ends up as it started.
Hmmm, never noticed that. I will have to observe it. When you are in it, there is too much going on to catch it. I shall try to begin softly.

Men are more quick to run when they are angry.
Oh, just great!

list for before you begin:
1. check motivation - (is it love, understanding, repair?)
2. check attitude
3. check timing, pressure, place

Rules for during:
1. pray asking for wisdom - touch - pull up a third chair for God
2. focus on one thing/issue at a time
3. focus on the problem and behavior not the person or the character.
4. stick to specifics - never use never or always
5. men prefer words whereas women use the nonverbal for relationship clues
6. focus on understanding

End Game: apology and forgiveness
apology -> feel regret, take responsibility/own it, remedy
forgiveness ->humility, eagerness, grace
Picture the two as the apology as a box you put the issue in and forgiveness as the top you cover it with.

I did need to be reminded that men uses words and not what is going on around the words. Tim gave an excellent visual. He described it as a man coming home to his wife on the floor in the pool of blood asking what is wrong. She says 'I'm fine' in a sarcastic voice not believing the question! He wonders latter why she is so cold. He took her at her word.

Ahhh, I guess I am afraid of what I would say, how much I say, and if he could handle it all and still love and cherish me anyways. It seems there is such a disadvantage!

Funny how I owned up to my weakness of confrontation and help came my way. What you seek you shall find. Still a mystery but one I am willing to try. I am tired of losing out no matter what I do. It does seem I lose if I keep quiet or if I speak. So I will attack my how and make it better.

the fear elephant ...

From the "Gift of Fear" a statement has haunted me. 'What you don't bring to your conscious will turn into your fate.' This is talking about fear intuition. I had an example play out in my life.

I had someone in my life who would come and go. At the beginning it was ok but then it showed up as a habit. I had this fear that he would go away and never come back. We had a such a connection that I wanted to continue at full tilt. I wanted to be able to see him and connect and have him do so with me. This fear is greatly intensified because water and land keeps us apart but hey, we are in the gadget age where space is small. It can be done. I had no fear. I knew what I was willing to give.

But the fear that he would go away and never come back came true. No matter how much I tried to reconnect, no matter if I made apologies, no matter if I guessed what went wrong, no matter if I gave him the benefit of the doubt, good bye is forever. I saw him yesterday and I simply said hi. No response and a few minutes later he was gone.

I had the fear and I never pushed it because I was afraid that I would push him to leave early. So what do you gain if you bring that fear larking in the back forward? It is his choice to leave. I guess the only thing about confronting his leaving would be projecting it back on him so that I would be free. Maybe I might have gotten an understanding why he leaves so that I could close the door on him once and for all.

I get hung up on the spiritual connection we had. It was like being able to have a language in common in a world where your language is foreign. I have never had such a connection before and I am so weak to think that God is bigger and can give it back to me in an extreme that would blow me away.

So how do I do with these nagging fears into the conscious and not run from it? Can I be encouraging so to bypass the confrontation part and still bring the elephant into the room? I will have to fall back on 'Quiet Leadership' technique and ask the questions so that they do the thinking and hard labor. Isn't this their little issue? So why am I allowing their muck as a fear in my life?

hurt me ...

How do words sting! I am an adult with 3o some years to take the edge off the pain of a raised voice and angered filled words and I still am crushed every time. I was in a numbing pain quiet pain so I was keeping to myself and trying to do my best when sleeping in and reading a book with a warming liquid soothing out my frays. To my wildest shock a man ripped into me. It doesn't matter who was wrong, what matters to me most is playing as a team.

I am sick of others feeling it is alright to attack me and I am suppose to do the right thing and take it. Pretty much I am shocked stiff with eyes in a rage and my voice gone. I cry and talk myself right then my mind goes right back and my heart bleeds. Where can I go? I have no team player. I have no arms to hold me and have no words that soothe my being. Am I that loathsome? Or is the world that petty?

Don't get me wrong. I do have Arms and I do have Heavenly Words. I do have one Awesome Teammate but aren't believers called to love? Where are they?

Dear Heavenly Father,
Junk was brought to the table and again I find myself floundering with the right way to defuse the problem. All I could do was walk away. I probably will have to deal with some of it again tomorrow. I need YOU. How do I fly above it? How do I live exceedingly abundantly beyond? It is not eternal but it sure stings now...

I am glad to come home and sigh. I am glad that food awaits my hungry tummy. I finished an easter egg on my loom and even though I feel numb about it, I hope when I show my mom her excitement will encourage me. Right now I just want to hide me and all my creative things.

It is bedtime and as I close my eyes and myself from all the hurts, I ask for Your Words to cuddle me into Your Presence. You are the Great Shephard and You pull me close. I have only You to answer to and look to. You never fail. Your eyes are always friendly, Your voice always deep and calming...

I love You because You first loved me and pursued me. You called beautiful and beloved. Ahhhhhh, ' whom shall I fear?' Thank You. I knew You only could provide me with comfort. May I curl up in Your Arms and go to sleep ....
~always your fearful little girl

My Girl,
I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you to fear man? (Isaiah 51:12) You are a child of the King. You are the girl - your Bridegroom cometh. Keep being beautiful. Keep your smile about you.
~always the King, always the Bridegroom

hurt me no more!

interference ...

OOOO, had a family conversation about conflict over the Thanksgiving holiday!!!! I was actually shocked and had to pipe up. I have verrrrrrry strong feelings about conflict. Just so you understand how volatile this topic makes me lets do word association. These are the words that pop into my head when I hear the word 'conflict' = discussions, anger, out of hand, confrontation, distruction, melt down, raised voices, sweating, face flushed. All of these things I loathe. Why can't I have a discussion that uses soft words, where no one trying to be the winner or right, where there is new insights learned, and ultimately being able to walk away feeling good about yourself and about others?

I once was able to really have a happy discussion. Well, he was gone before I could figure it out but God in His wise ways brought a book into my life that changed my ways. 'Quiet Leadership' by David Rock is an excellent teacher. I have it all in my head and I use it on myself. I haven't mastered the discussion part because I really don't have a person I can practise on. I do try to phrase the questions but usually after a potential target has left the conversation.

In 'Quiet Leadership' there is an equation which goes like this performance = potential - interference. While learning a new and very difficult job this year, I saw this equation work out in my learning process. The interference was coming into play by the teacher's tone of voice as well as me striving too hard to learn everything like yesturday! The interference was hindering my ability to learn. I was breaking down in tears and frustration. I began to doubt myself and wonder if I made the wrong decision. So isn't conflict interference?

So I piped up and laid the question down. So you need conflict to change? I got a big yes from Dad. I didn't know where to go from there. It is just best to save it for here.

Dad is raising questions at work where he normally just would absorb it all. He is being confrontational and doesn't care anymore. He says he is retiring in the near future so what does he have to loose? If he can see how something can better a different way than what was always done, then he is going to say something. I must say that I have noticed his mood is more upbeat. He doesn't seem to be fighting that ever present depression. I have to say it is good for Dad to pack a bit of heat and not be afraid of conflict. Conflict is good for Dad's voice. I just see it a different way.

First I do need to have a disclaimer. If something isn't working, change it. However, I do not like conflict. I hate it. I don't do change well either unless it makes a job easier and more efficient. Ok, now on with my beef with conflict...

Take a hockey team. In order to make a goal, you must take out the interference. The defense cannot put the whole team in just to interfer with the goal making! That would be major penalty box time. Not into sports? Take the radio. You have to take out the static to hear the music. I cannot do conflict. I have interior melt down so bad that you can see it come through me with my blushed cheeks and sweat. I have massive urges to run. It does not serve me well to have conflict.

It is honorable for a man to stop striving,
since any fool can start a quarrel.
Prov 20:3

Make no friendship with an anger man,
and with a furious man do not go.
Lest you learn his ways
and set a snare for your soul.
Prov22:24-25

... do not associate with those given to change.
Prov 24:21

It all could be just the word conflict and what I associate with it. But my personal truth is to take out the interference and interference looks like striving, conflict, anger. To me taking out striving, conflict, and anger enables my best and that really means change for the better. I just want to do it without conflict.

pleasant words ...

I have such a hard time with my words when I feel that I am not being heard. I have this one person that I dread dealing with because no matter how hard I try to be pleasant and smile full, I get caught with my words being a bit more hard than I would want. Today I ended up with egg on my face and trying to figure out how to deal with being in a pinch. Help!!!

When I am scream help, I turn to God's word. I turn to Proverbs a lot when I need a simple guide to get through the daily dealings with people. I needed something about words. I hoped that I had something underlined and ready for a quick scan to calm my achy heart. Proverbs 16:26 came into view.

What are pleasant words?
- sweet and healthy

What parts of the body does pleasant words affect?
- It touches your very core with sweetness and travels to your very outer part with health. It washes over your whole being.

What if you find someone too hard for you to give pleasant words to?
- Do it for yourself! Use pleasant words so that you can benefit from it!

'Pleasant words are like a honeycomb,
sweetness to the soul
& health to the bones.'
-Prv 16:26

Will will find me talking back this verse, as well as trying on a whole of smiles and trying to be lighthearted. I am seeking God on this and I know He will find me...

a distress damsel psalm ...

I've hinted to the fact that I am in the backyard of my 30's. I guess I am freaking out a bit emotionally too - not at my age (suppose that will happen soon) but at these rollercoaster feelings and the knowledge of the craziness my mother felt. {screams} I just want to move through this phase of my life with all the good lessons I've learned so far like the joy and continue through with more joy, tranquility, and gentleness. I don't want anger to rule my life...

I connected few dots yesturday and I am on the point of breaking through to something huge for myself. It makes me quite excited and I hope that by weeks end when my vacation is ending that I have 'my own best friend habits' set in place. Meaning a way to fight back and save me from the 'internal social pressures' that run amuck in women my age... I am enough and loved.. Now lets take a look a woman's fairytale of a psalms!

One of the major connecting of the dots for me was reading Psalms 18 through the eyes of a woman instead of a soldier or through King David. Put on your female eyes and try it with all the muck that is going on in your life and include your fairytale story and see how this psalm changes your life...


Psalms 18: 1-6 speaks of your love for God and His Mighty ways in your life. Then you call out to be saved from your enemies. What is your enemy? Death - when you just want to live. Death for the woman is feeling like no one cares that your nose is the only thing that is staying above the torent waters. You are treading water but nothing is keeping you afloat. You are tired. You are doing everything and being everybody to family, work etc. Quite simply, you are trying to be the best you and the emotions and feelings are telling you 'not enough, you are just not enough!' So you cry out to God who has been there and has shown Himself to you before but you just not feeling it now and that makes you feel bad even worse.

Now this is the exciting part! Check out Psalms 18: 8-19! How many of us has dreamed of that prince on a white horse coming to our rescue? Why can't there be that rescue for this poor damsel in distress? HERE IT IS!!!! DRINK IT IN!!! See how our woes and distresses anger our God? He is enraged that the enemy is stealing our Joy and our strength. Here in these verses I am floored at the description of His Anger! {dances the happiest jig ever} Read that over and over until you feel it real in your life. Then watch Him swoop down and feel yourself swing through the air coming to rest behind God on His mighty white work stallion. Wrap your arms around Him and don't let go!

Psalms 18:20-24 is where you tell God what you have done in the right ways. It is an honesty check but when you have down the right ways and talk that out to God, you know by keeping His Ways there is blessing there. You are reminding yourself not God because He already knows. It is time for you to get into your path and see through. It is understanding that even when you do everything right and it feels like failure, that is the enemy talking. You talk back with the God-Blessings that you receive by doing right ways.

Psalms 18:25-36 is declaring God Attributes in your life path. Again it is you talking back or aloud about how your Prince has rescued you and has fought the battle for you. It is a self reminder not to get stuck in not being enough. That is death. Stay away from it. God is your Source. He is your Everything from Alpha to Omega. He is your Commander. He has your orders and the way to do them. He is your Husbandman and Keeper. He is your Creator and He sure created us a bit more intricate and intimate that man. He understands all our nuances. He made us this way for a reason - for marriage and for man. He created us naturing and beautiful - two aspects of His Nature. Who else should we go to if we are feeling used up and ugly? The Source!!!! Fill up!!!

Psalms 18:37-42 is showing how God Attributes come through us. He arms us with strength / joy for the battle before us. Look how we crush our destroyers! We are not destroyed. We have the victory.

Psalms 18:42-50 is praise to God who rescued us. We are His chosen and that does not mean we lay down and die. We arise and claim victory over all that seek to crush us. The enemy hates our beauty. Satan will do anything to undermine us. By doing so he thinks he can bring down God. We know this yet our actions say we don't believe that God is our Salvation and Rescuer. Time to live this Psalm out moment by moment. Our story is a romance story and it has a happy ending. Time to make victory in our middles....

{wails beating my chest it is so powerful}

no follow through ...

Emotions. Well, female emotions... I was going along having a pretty decent Saturday. Tidied the house - check. Took my weekly walk - check. Started to paint - bam. My emotions bottomed out. I had moments of tears. Come on! I am still taking my happy fish oil and been eating well. What could have triggered this? I living the single life don't have to deal with others bumping into me emotionally so it would seem that I was doing fairly well. Unfortunately these tears would drop me into a pit of aloneness. On Sunday good ol Mom was easy to confide in that my emotions had taken a turn for the worse. On Friday the me who was excited about the idea of finally doing the creme da la creme of craft shows could really happen this year just felt that the girl I had dropped seeds of hope would ultimately fail me like all the others. I was hoping she would do a table with me this year.

I want to do this craft show that is huge coming up the first weekend in December. I have already done two shows that went bust. I want a show that I can get rid of the glass that I live with every day in my small ever shrinking apartment. Mom can't because she has to work. I have dropped hints to my sister-in-laws and no bites. I can't do this show by myself, it is tooooo huge. I have prayed about it and really thought that on Friday, my belief and hope was coming true.

Now I just don't care. Funny thing too my mood lifted yesturday but it doesn't mean I am feeling alright about my passion. I do have a lot on my paint table right now. Now I got to dig deep for some gumption. Funny how I can say I am ok but when I go to write it out, I still get that twinge of grr slipping out everywhere...

Why is it that my biggest pet peeve is people who say stuff and never follow through? I know I am anal...

my love story to Him ...

I had a troubling 'bump' with a chatter so much so that I could not wait to come here and figure out my words. I guess what is sad that if you say you are a Christian and don't do certain things and their response is that they are Christian too. I believe that there are certain values that all believers should hold to. I shruggled from not sounding like I was judging to trying to keep it about what I want in my life to knowing what I should say to wondering if I should state no without giving reasons for him to counter. I needed time to think and 'talk back' with what God's Word had to say. Now is this time to spout out!

Often in church I find my mind racing with talking to God and seeking God's Word for answers. This morning I was not disappointed. I found myself 'talking back' the words of comfort I needed. I want my no to be no and my yes to be yes. That means I want to be confident in my walk without waffling. Grrr to wanting to be nice. I guess what I want to be able to do is walk away with being frustrated and angered. Very hard indeed but I must remember the enemy is a thief. To rob my house would mean the thief would have to steal my joy and leaving me frustrated and angered. Jesus said 'how can anyone enter a strong man's house and carry off his possessions unless he first ties up the strong man? Then he can rob his house. He who is not with Me is against Me, and he who does not gather with Me scatters.' (matt 12:29-30) I need to send Jesus to the door.

Well, back to my 'bump'... If someone wants to talk, I try to listen and chatter back. I guess I should have just said no not available. I did state no many times but in many ways. Then I thought it was a traveler trying to figure out a curiousity so I tried to drop the hint that it was dangereous to have a curiosity like that. Then stating that I was a Christian brought on that he was a christian. Yikes. He wanted to know if I had this curiousity. I stated that I was too old and weathered meaning that I've been on this life path long enough to know what I want and need in my life. I won't be messing up. I asked his age. 33 going on 34. Well, I could understand that curiousity. I was still hungering for attention and value. Still do at my age now but now devoted to living my love story cleanly and purely.

That is the whole point of this ramble. If I love God, I must show my love to God ACTIVELY. My love for God will pale compared to His Love for me. He laid down His Life so that I could have everlasting life. What greater love has no man than this to lay down his life for another?

"Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"
"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:28-31

I am a co-author in my love story with God. I want it to be very good and extremely special. I want God to feel and see my love. I want my love to be real. No coasting for me! I view strength in that verse as physical meaning body. I want my heart, soul, mind and body to be pure. I want to love God with all four parts of me. God is sees it all even here online. I like God-boundaries because that means He loves me so much that He wants me to enjoy this life path He has given me with out being in bondage to the thief.

If I strongly abhor telling others what to do, feel, or act... how do plant God-Seeds? {Thunk my own head} ASK QUESTIONS!
What is the greatest commandment? mark 12:28-31What should we think about? phil 4:8 What part of you should you guard fiercely? proverbs 4:23 How do you guard your life? luke 21:19 What should you stand firm too? back to Mark 12:28-31!

No, I doubt whether I would hear the answers I was hoping for but my asking him questions, sets him up to start seeking. And when you start seeking, God will open your eyes.

Whew, I feel better now... I know what questions to ask now... in the moment the questions don't come easily.... wished that it did...

Dearest Great Lover,
I want You to find pleasure in my love. I want to stand firm in my love for You. I don't want to deny You but it is the easiest thing to fall down when it comes to matters of acceptance and value. It is ok for others to deny me. I don't need them for You are all I need. I am reacting stronger now but I want it to be a constant. If I claim to have such tenacity then I must share it all with You.

I do ask for guidance and love for a soul that claims to be a christian. Help me ask the right questions. If he is truly Yours, You will deal with him. If he should not come back to pester me, I hope maybe with what I said in a feable way will still stir him to ask his own questions....

Thank You for Authoring me and designing my life path. I love You. Thank You for loving me first and always.
~ your little girl

.:note to self:.
~new words~ I am a born again believer of Jesus Christ who paid with His life to love me. What more can I do but love Him back will all of my body, mind, heart, and soul and to do so purely. I have high standards for myself. My no means no. end of conversation.

If I was a strong willed child (did not conform to peer pressure), I certainly need to retain my strong willed tactics in my adult years!

soldier and Christian?

I was talking or rather listening to a father talk about his son going off to train to be a 'Green Beret' and about a couple other boys that are either in the war or coming home. He is a bit long winded but I do enjoy listening to him. Today he affirmed without knowing it what I feel a Christian solder has over one who isn't a believer.

Can a Christian soldier come home from horrific battle unscared mentally? Can a Christian soldier come home to his family and return to being a great dad and a loving husband without this 'retreat' side affects? Can a Christian be a soldier and conduct himself peaceably as the NT commands? When a Christian young man has this strong desire to serve in the military, is it God's purpose for him? Is a Christian soldier better than a soldier who isn't a believer?

I know the New Testament has we are to be peaceable and being a soldier that would seemingly go against peace. Because I my favorite Bible character is King David, I really do believe that a Christian young man can serve God on the front lines of any war. I strongly believe that a Christian who feels he is 'called' to be a soldier really needs to go into 'Spiritual Boot Camp'. A Christian already has come to terms with his on mortality. Jesus took the sting out of death. No fear. So with that taken care of there are a couple other things a Christian should tackle.

First things first, a Christian soldier must always seek God in every move he makes especially in the heat of battle and always find time to get quiet with God. After seeking God the next thing he must do is hide God's Word in his heart like passages about battle. God had battle plans required of the Israelites and it always included getting your life cleaned up or making sure there was purity within the ranks. When they lost it was because someone did wrong and hid it. Other passages and I think most important of especially for war and for men in general is the issue of anger. Anger happens. A buddy gets maimed or killed. What happens? Sorry, but too often anger sets in and then there the boys go off on a killing rampaged. A Christian is NOT slave to anger. Yes, that means a Christian is free from anger. Again you have to seek God in this area. He will meet you and show you how to have freedom from anger. Lastly, a Christian soldier should 'talk back' to any attacking disbelief. I am not saying you have to 'talk back' aloud. I don't rather I am in my prayers or mentally. It is a must or you find your faith wavering.

So the Christian soldier goes off to war and sees some horrific battles and/or is wounded, do I believe he can come home spiritually whole and without nightmares and without retreating into a shell of a man? YES I DO. God said He has gone ahead and will go with you. He says not to be afraid (deut 31:8). I know there are going to be mistakes in battle, but God is a loving God and He is a Forgiver. Man is lousy in the forgiveness dept. Not God. Again this is not an over night transformation. No! This is a daily walk. Each moment is to be shared with God. In battle and out. And who said a Christian is off duty?

It was nice to hear this father be on the same wave length as me. A great God-Affirmation. I thought it but never ventured to say it aloud. I didn't even have to... this father just started talking about this and I was jumping on the inside!!!!

Some passages that I find comfort in when it comes to war:
Psalms 83 & Psalms 37: 12&13 - this one is for the president of Iran.
Psalms 91
Ephesians 6:10-18 <-- hmm, good for spiritual boot camp!

The Armor of God
¹⁰Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ¹⁸And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

paper, babycakes, home

* I hate allllllllll the plastic bags I accumulate. So I finally got the nerve up and asked for paper at one of my local grocery stores. Don' know why I feel like I am bucking the system. Anyhow, I just noticed on the paper bag, I can get 3¢ off on my next bill if I reuse the bags! Deal!

* I just got my first NYC Babycakes newsletter. She is writing a cookbook for all of us food allergy peeps!!! I am excited.

* I have to report that being home is the best place. My nerve endings can heal. No one belly aching about this or that. No complaints. Just me and myself - hanging out, being peaceful, and smiling by watching a funny movie. A bonus? Finding the driver to make my scanner work on my newer iMac version.

I needed to have good reports. Anger crept into me today. I get so tired of others especially ones you like comments that hinder the work atmosphere instead of encourage it. Some of the comments that come out of her about others are somethings she actually does. I don't like thinking like this about her yet I don't want to fall down into this either. Whatever is of good report .. think on these things....