my personal journey '06

What do I say about this year now passing? Interesting. Major changes or maybe major shifts have happened in my path.

I gave into to talking a food allergy test. What could it hurt but make a dent in my wallet? The outcome was more than I could have guessed. Overhauling my kitchen and my life around 36 food allergies wasn't hard but in the same breath it still is hard. I don't want to be overly focused on food. I wonder if I will finally get to a place where it is second nature.

I gave into the loss of a major friendship. I got pass the yucky part where you are angry one minute to desperate the next. I now have feeling of best wishes and dreams for him. I still miss him. I still miss us. But having God as a Constant fills in the scary places.

I have given into letting go. If it isn't working, let go. It goes for things as well as for people (sadly). When it comes to people, I notice I get in the mix and paint up a storm only to find out that I was the paint hog and the other person wan't into it or walked away. I realize my rhythm is off when with others. I need to be more aware!

I let Grandma H go. I have memories that come and visit. When I used up the blueberries or used the blue canning jars or the wedding glasses, I think of her and my other grandparent memories.

With each letting go, a stage of life has passed. I know the earth moved but did not feel it. It sort of just is.

While I have let go of some baggage, I will keep some things as well. I will keep better eating habits. I will keep the precious memories of my loved ones. I will keep the valuable lessons of getting free of my fat suit and making sure that I bring myself as an equal partner to all my connections. I will keep my surface in balance with my depth. My surface used to be deformed and itty bitty, but not anymore. I will keep the most valuable lesson of engaging others. This has wowed my shyness! I can finally do it!

I hope that what is really seen in me from this last year is a leaner me .. more free...

Hark! the Herald Angels sing...

I have often wondered why they put the carol 'Hark! the Herald Angels Sing' in my favorite movie "It's a Wonderful Life". What was the connection? I believe it to be in how God can change our darkest night into a Christmas morning. What a transformation God's Saving Power can do to a life ...

Hark! The herald angels sing,
“Glory to the newborn King;
Peace on earth, and mercy mild,
God and sinners reconciled!”
Joyful, all ye nations rise,
Join the triumph of the skies;
With th’angelic host proclaim,
“Christ is born in Bethlehem!”

Hark! the herald angels sing,
“Glory to the newborn King!”

Christ, by highest Heav’n adored;
Christ the everlasting Lord;
Late in time, behold Him come,
Offspring of a virgin’s womb.
Veiled in flesh the Godhead see;
Hail th’incarnate Deity,
Pleased with us in flesh to dwell,
Jesus our Emmanuel.

Hark! the herald angels sing,
“Glory to the newborn King!”

Hail the heav’nly Prince of Peace!
Hail the Sun of Righteousness!
Light and life to all He brings,
Ris’n with healing in His wings.
Mild He lays His glory by,
Born that man no more may die.
Born to raise the sons of earth,
Born to give them second birth.

Hark! the herald angels sing,
“Glory to the newborn King!”

Come, Desire of nations, come,
Fix in us Thy humble home;
Rise, the woman’s conqu’ring Seed,
Bruise in us the serpent’s head.
Now display Thy saving power,
Ruined nature now restore;
Now in mystic union join
Thine to ours, and ours to Thine.

Hark! the herald angels sing,
“Glory to the newborn King!”

Adam’s likeness, Lord, efface,
Stamp Thine image in its place:
Second Adam from above,
Reinstate us in Thy love.
Let us Thee, though lost, regain,
Thee, the Life, the inner man:
O, to all Thyself impart,
Formed in each believing heart.

Hark! the herald angels sing,
“Glory to the newborn King!”
- by Charles Wesley 1739

wonderfully rich

my Navaho Christmas Card ...

I always enjoy getting Lolita's Christmas cards. They are always selected with her heritage in mind. I always want to put them into frames because they are so beautiful and I know carry such meaning.

It is a dark night. Father and son are coming home on their horse drawn wagon to their warm hut. Mother and dauther are waiting for them. Such a beautiful picture. I love it!

May beauty surround you,
Beauty before you and beauty behind you,
Beauty above you and about you,
and may your road home
be on a trail of peace.
Happily may you return.

Yaateeh Keshmish*
(Merry Christmas)
*Navajo Language


my Navaho Christmas card
WinterCount: American Indian Greetings

few fav movie of 2006

*** 'One Night with the King' ***
** 'the Lake House' **
* 'the Holiday' *
* 'Step Up'
* 'Take the Lead'
* 'Flicka'
* 'Firewall'
* 'the Guardian'
* 'the Prestige

sort of listed in order of my favorites ...

fav reads of 2006

Ron Mehl's books!!! I am a huge fan!!!
*'God Works the Night Shift' {huge wow!}
* 'the Tender Commandments'
* 'Meeting God at a Dead End' {on the list to read next}
* 'Surprise Endings'
* 'A Prayer that Moves Heaven' {better than jabez!}
* 'Love Found a Way' {best to read at Christmas}

I had to add Ron's books to my libray because after reading ''God Works the Night Shift'', I knew I needed and wanted to reread these books over and over. A great addition to your devotional and prayer life. Well, just plain good for your life journey!!! If you want a recommendation for just one of his books, I guess that would be 'God Works the Night Shift' because once you read that one, you will see why you will want all the books.

* ''The Blessing'' by Gary Smalley & John Trent
I read this and found a great way to bless a dear one in my life with the meaning of his name. I was struggling with a way and this book helped. Everyone should add 'Covenant Blessings' into their lives as a way to celebrate each person of great value. What a way to empower others.

* ''The Gift of Honor'' by Gary Smalley
Another great way to conduct your life whether you are single or have a family. If you really get into the depths of honor, it isn't as easy as it feels it should be.

* 'He's Just Not Into You' by Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo & 'Called a Breakup Because It's Broken' by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt
Ok, these books are a bit on the crass side. But when you are deep in your sad slumpy self, you need a huge wake up call. These books will do the trick. Expect to be angry. But anger helps you get over him and move on with YOU!

few fav tunes of 2006

* ''Saving Me'' - by Nichelback
* ''I Got You'' - by Craig Morgan
* ''Kill Me Now'' - by Rio Grande
* ''Why, Why, Why'' - by Billy Curlington
* ''Bring It on Home'' - by Little Big Town
* ''My Wish'' - by Rascal Flatts {great sequel to ''What Hurts the Most'' & my life now}

I was a bit frustrated because when blogger updated and I tried to transfer to their new stuff, I lost my profile which is where I was keeping track of my favorite tunes. I did find a slip of paper where I had been making notes. Boy, do I need to be more organized! I think I shall be with my usb port. Hmm, I think I better put that on my firsts for '06!.

few firsts in 2006

*life change – 36 food allergies 2/6/06 – zone
*1st basket 4/12/06
*1st child 3/06
*Aus Blue Pumpkins – baby bush & jarrahdales
*Knitted (loomed) 1st ‘christmas stocking
*Knitted (loomed) 1st purse
*Painted 1st teardrop flower
*Painted 1st humming bird
*Painted 1st sweet pea
*Painted 1st pumpkin ‘mice’

monthly thoughts from 2006

Jan: ''Build your life around your passion!''
Feb: ''Live romantically!''
Mar: Know and use your unique signature 'color' all over your world
Apr: Be the flame not the moth.
May: Your life is your ART!
Jun: Bright eyes gladden the heart! .......... prov 15:30
Jul: The heart that loves is always young. greek prov
Aug: To engage life cures a stagnant mood. ~k
Sep: Use words of faith & victory.
Oct: no fat suit - all rudie nudie!
Nov: make new wine
Dec: hold to what you have

'06 theme: the year of the Gift

2006 was the year I had name for learning and putting more beauty in my life. When I do this, I am asking God for His teachings. But to my surprise God had other plans. He did not have beauty in my teachings but rather teachings about Gifts, the kind of Gifts He gives and how I hold them with hands open but receiving.

I first learned about NOEL and how this name in modern translation means 'precious gift'. Even though I tried to express the importance of this beautiful name to a handsome person (no word back), this definition was really for me. This dear name is everywhere at Christmas and I even have a permanent reminder in my home, so I cannot get away from going directly to prayer of thanksgiving for the God-Given Gifts everywhere in my life and the missing Precious Gift.

Because of this Precious Gift handsome person touched my life by accusing me of not being 'rudie nudie', I learned a year later a gift of ridding myself of the 'fat suit'. So really a gift is good when it ends that the gift keeps giving good in your life!

Well, in honesty by learning about gifts and getting rid of my fat suite, I have allowed an invitation for Beauty to come into my soul...

passing the football ...

I see God and Gerald Ford on the Heaven's shores hundle up like two American footballers. I can't hear what God is telling him but Gerald is in rapt attention. They are in the Halls of History. I am sure God is showing him Heaven's side of the typastry of Time. Then I see God point out in the vastness. He pulls back the curtain and shows Saddam beeing jerked into his afterlife three days after Gerald was called Home.

Both God and Ford had tears in their eyes. God's tears were hot and sad. He had given His most Precious Gift. Again another had rejected... Ford's tears seemed to be awe of God and the humbleness felt...

Heavenly Father and Almighty King of kings,
I can't help feeling such amazement as history keeps unfolding... so fast before me as I sit here on the edge of time especially when men and women with great shadows whether good or bad enter Eternity. Diana and Mother Teresa. Shivo and Pope John Paul and Ronald Reagan. Now Gerald Ford and Saddam.

I am amazed of the contrasts. When these things happen, I feel you tapping me on my shoulder to pay attention. As I ponder, help me listen in with Your Wisdom...
~ always your little girl

history in His Story...

When Ronald Reagan died, I remember talking to him about Ronald and Nancy's love affair. We talked again about how letters can really make a relationship. Oh, I miss talking to him...

Tonight I watch another Presidental Funeral of Gerald Ford. I am learning a lot of history and learning of another great love affair. I was a little girl when Gerald Ford was President. I don't remember much. So tonight I have been pondering a great deal...

History has looked kindly on Ford. From the looks of it, he did not have much favor in that time even as he tried to heal a nation. I can only hope that history will look kindly on George W Bush. God is in charge of all of history. His ways are not ours. Even in our attempts, God uses it for His purposes... Good will triumph over evil in His Perfect time...

Betty and Gerald's marriage was not perfect but it was loving and enduring. Fifty some years? I can only hope.... but as I did some calculations I could have fifty some years of marriage even at the deep in of the 30's. I would be in the deep in end of the 80's. Oh, I certainly miss talking to him...

Rocky Balboa ...

I would rate this movie as a 9. I saw Stallone a couple times on Christian shows promoting his movie. I thought this interesting. I enjoy the Rocky series. I really enjoyed Adrian and Rocky's relationship. I didn't see Christian overtones. Rather, it is undertones and you have to connect the dots.

This movie is true to the first movie. Rocky continues to reach out to the underdogs of this world. In creating this movie, he never broke character. I like that. It has been quite a few years and making a new one it is easy to use new stuff and to forget what you learned from your history.

This movie is dirty. It takes place in the same dirty neighborhoods of PA. He still lives in there. You see that he did not take his fame inside. He stayed true to who he is. That is what makes him loveable.

Adrian is still a major part of his life in spirit... Yes, someone tried to keep that from me before I saw the movie, but I kinda knew...

Stallone wrote the movies. And he did admit that the first and this final movie are autobiographical. No wonder I like him... He is a gentle giant. He takes underdogs under his wings. To me that is pretty special. I remember that deep feeling I had as a little girl and that desire to see underdogs succeed....

bottomed out ...

I had the evening all set to spend with Mac. I had been nerveous and excited all in one. It has been a long couple of months with distence and shut downs. Tonight was suppose to open up a whole new world.

No, not talking boyfriends here. I am talking upgrading my old pal the iMac. I prepared to 'destatic'. I put the memory in and like the last time the white tabs that are suppose to match up with the notches on the memory don't. I push hard (being small I am not sure if I am using enough ufph). Well, it won't go in any further. I don't know how it will stay put. I flip Mac back in upright position and turn it on. Wooohooo, time to put in the disk.

The disk is a dvd. I open it up and read what I am suppose to read. Then I click on the installer. Up comes the big X screen with a button to restart. I click it. So Mac does his thing. What is suppose to come up is the installer screen. But that does not happen. I have a screen showing the installer button just like before. I restarted several times. Then I shut it down. Checked the memory again. Turned it on and restarted several times again. Then I went surfing google to get help on troubleshooting. What I find is not what happened to me.

What a mess. When things like this happen, I break down. God has been with me the hold time and I again come crying and tearing myself up. I know this is just a stupid human desire. This isn't eternal. Yet, I bring up all the things I could better use ...

I thank God that He doesn't need to be upgraded. He never slows down. He never just drops you for no reason. He is always there in every emergency. He is always working the NightShift and Weekends. It doesn't matter if it is a holiday. His manual is always included. He is always there. There are no lobby music blaring as you wait on the phone. You can take on life even without macgroups because God is in your group. You don't have to go the library to get five volumes of mac books to see if they have an answer to your problem....

My heart had that feeling again where the bottom drops out and it left scrape burns all down my insides... I was afraid that I would not sleep... I cried out ... He heard and granted me sleep .... I promised not to touch mac the next day...

waiting on memory ...

I know they told me 6 - 10 days and with Christmas in the mix, I figured at the earlist tomorrow and the lastest, next week. I am talking about my upgrade and memory for my iMac. I got my upgrade Wednesday but still have not seen the memory. I am biting at the bit! I have been trying to stay calm but a little impossible! I had them ship to the office but now with the weekend looming, probably not a good choice. I am also peeved because they didn't get the addresses down right nor the spelling of my first or last names! Good grief, where they listening????? So I am a nervous wreck!!!

cliff hanger ...

We have all seen the cliff hanger where there are two mountain climbers, one is desperately holding on to the other climber who slipped off the peak. The shot settles on the two hands holding but the grasp is getting weaker. The faces are twisted in agony. Fingers holding fingers. The holder swears he will never let go. The hanger's mood shifts from holding on to letting go. The viewer is screaming 'Nooooooo!'

I have seen many scences and I have often gotten mad at the climber who let go. 'Fight to stay,' I howl through gritted teeth. Why do they alway give up. Why do they always tell the other to let go. It is better, they say...

I finally understand. I was the one who slipped off the mountain. As I am dangling there without a firm stronghold, I look into the eyes of the holder and say, 'Let me go. If you continue, we both will go sailing over the cliff. I have had my fill. It is better for one of us to be saved, and today it is you. Today we go our separate ways. Let go of my hand ...'

Wow, I never thought I would let go. I am always the fighter. Tired doesn't mean old age rather a long and fierce journey... Not sure where this will lead me... I put hope on the Mystery God revealing slowly but surely in my steps... hiding my tattered and ripped spirit within His Saving Wings...

leaning opportunities ...

Twice over the weekend this fact tapped my heart. God give us opportunities to lean on Him. I swirled it around between my mind, heart, and spirit.

First, God takes away. Now that would wake any one from a deep slumber. Some run further from God and some lean in harder. For me I have to admit I get angry and I have my mad chatter with God. Then I give up and lean. With this new thought, I can walk more humbly and near God. Maybe I can save myself from the useless petty fits I throw.

Second, God gives. Some take it and run. Some drop in awe and give thanksgiving. I have made a habit of gratitude and it comes easy to give God credit. Not sure about the other side of the fence, but I bet there are a lot that just take in their grubby little fist without the slightest thought that God gave. I give credit to God for helping me find that 'we love macs' site. I had given up all hope on upgrading my computer. When a sunrise is especially brilliant alll are!, I give God credit for His Artist's touch. Every new thought or inspiration that comes out of the blue to me, I give God the credit.

So whether He giveth or taketh, God gives us opportunities to lean on Him. It is up to us to give in to His gentle and strong Arms as He holds in a sweet embrace...

notes & stickies ...

I was cleaning off the little pile of notes and stickies that had accumalated on my desk this past year. It was like checking my growth and thought process. I had questioned why people leave me. I had lists of why it was wrong. And that pesky little question I had about why good gifts had to expire. It is good to know that I have come to a peace with God about it. I can throw out all those pieces of paper.

I still don't understand. Sadly and with joy, I gave 'it' up. I still continue to give up. I resolve to be more of a free spirit even in the mist of my depth when it comes to relationships. I won't give up engaging others because that was of God .. I know that for sure.

Clearing out old notes and stickies, allows for a new year of lessons to unfold... I wonder where I will be next year at this time ... as I look back to where I was a year ago ...

desk rage (v)

OOOOh, they finally named it. We all know about road rage. Now we have desk rage.

signs
-frustrated
-trapped
-late
-lots of sick days
-moody
-steals office supplies
-can't get along with others


I am sure we all could add a few more to the list.

orange zest ...

I have 18 oranges to consume before they all rot! I think I can do it!

I love the smell of oranges. I love how you can bend the peel and watch the juice squirt. I love chocolate and oranges together but with my new eating habits I have discovered changing up some routine flavors with orange zest.

I have added it to my blueberries and cottege cheese. Nice! I have even added to my tuna patties. I have added it to baby oil for a nice refreshing scent. I add it to my candles to refresh the room... It is only the beginning!

love it!!!!

Noel (n)

Every good and perfect gift is from above,
coming down from the Father of the Heavenly Lights,
who does not change like shifting shadows.
~ James 1:17

Through this year the word 'gift' has toyed with my spirit. As I would try to capture it, off it would go for another spin around me. Quite a dizzy effect. I had a good gift and recognized it from day one. I was always keeping the Eternal in my sight of vision. I did not want to mess up. Well, this good gift expired and I did not quite understand.

I know that Noel means 'Birthday of our Lord' but recently discovered a modern version of the definition means 'Precious Gift'. How fitting! On the human level I tried to express to my gift the value of who he was. But on the Heavenly level I have a Precious Gift like no other.

I do understand that God knows me better than the future I could dream up. He understands my need for 'value' and that that good gift that only lasted four years could not give what he did not have. I can only hope that all I poured into this gift will continue to ripple and nourish my loved one.

Through all the ups and downs and prying my fingers off the gift, Friday past God whipered to prepare my heart and keep it prepared... for what? For the good gift to return... I think more importantly than questions, I need to keep my heart prepared for God Himself. I believe and know for sure that God is the Greatest Gift Giver. You a true gift giver is one who delights in finding that perfect gift that the receiver where the eyes light up and the heart skips a beat or two. Pretty awesome truth.

Christmas Eve this verse came to me. A Christmas Hope that my Heavenly Father and Husbandman does not shift like the shadows of the night. I can whole heartedly trust and lean into Him.

It matters not that good gifts expire because the Precious Gift of all good gifts does not expire. He will continue to bless me with good and perfect gifts. I am here in the moment... expectant...

I want snow!

Bummer, it is not a white Christmas, rather it is a green and muddy and rainy one. Not a happy camper about it. Had to 'baby' wipe the puppers feet everytime they came in from the outside. Where is my snow? It is a usual here but nooooo WA, TX, CO, WI got it and rather a bit naughty. I would settle for it to stay under freezing for a good while now with a couple of inches of that beautiful white stuff...

Why do I like snow? Because it is a wonderland of peace and beauty. Everything is transformed and clean. No nasty bugs or mesquitos of summer time heat. Oh, and one of my favorites is my winter clothes! I enjoy the layers and turtlenecks. I truly believe you have to have winter and you have to have summer to really enjoy the opposite season...

childhood wonder of Christmas

My nephew Ethen will be three in March and this Christmas was the best one for all of us to watch him as he opened each of his gifts with such glee and wonder. Each gift was a best gift. His eyes were non-stop twinkling and he was non-stop with chatter. All the lights could have gone out and his eyes would have lit the whole room. I think this a best Christmas...

late night painting gifts ...

I finished all my personal paint projects and have tucked them into the oven to bake tomorrow when I get up. I must bear gifts tomorrow and I am like always cutting it close. I need to wrap all my presents too. Mom wants me there before noon. Did you see what time it is? Late, late or early ... depending on your view. I need to go nite nite and dream sweet dreams .. if I don't I better go wrap my prezzies! I did have creative success. Everything I had invision in my pretty little head came out onto the pieces just right. Can't wait to give them.

As I bear my gifts I ponder the Great Gift Giver of all and how much He has given me this year ...

exploding...

I have been doing some downunder reading about those fires in the Victorian State of Australia. Very sad indeed for nature and the animals. Koalas' cannot run so they do the only they can do in the face of danger is climb their trees. What are their favorite trees? Eucalyptus trees. Do you know what happens to the Eucalyptus tree when on fire? They explode! because of the oil in the Eucalyptus tree... I did not know about exploding Eucalyptus!

the relationship squeeze ...

I am going to share some things I've been put to the flame on. Not sure how to share this but to list. I was going to talk about them in separate entries because I feel they really need some depth yet I feel the need to get it all out at once.

Things I've learned from my connections...
* Relationships are a piece of art.
Yes, a piece of art that takes two creators that share and compliment each others flare and color. Now have the artists step back. Take a look. Let it seep in. Now ask the artists what they put in and what they take away from it. I bit you will have two different answers.

When I think of relationships as a piece of art, I can step back from the relationship and notice the sames and differences. I also see the amount that each put into it. If it isn't balanced, I have realized that maybe I need to step up or step back.

With art an artist needs to be able to let the piece take on its life. After realizing this, I noticed why my art pieces are not in balance. I must stop getting so in the zone and see my co-artist pace. I must release and let the art happen...

* When it rains all you can do is let it rain.
I saw this quote and I stopped! Nothing you can do when it is pouring down rain. You cannot will those clouds away. You can mop in the bay window and let your tears fall with the rain or you can go curl up with a warm blanket and a good book. Same with relationships. You are going to have to except that you cannot change someone else only yourself. I know this one. But I like this quote and it is soothing in a strange way. Instead of my eyeballs always straining for any hands or knees on the wheel, I can relax and go to my best place, my creative soothing place - home.

* Can't squeeze wine out of a dried up grape.
Grapes and raisens are both good, but when you squeeze and crush raisens .. quite useless on your part. Why not stop it? Same with relationships. You got to be aware of your partner. For me I must me more on top of it. I must keep my sences sharper in an interpersonal way like understanding what someone can't give and understand what I need. If I get this quicker, my sences will be sharper and the art created together will be more balance.

* When you focus all on the differences, all the 'sames' are lost.
I am acutely aware of this. I love my name because it is unique. I love certains things about my personality because I tend to like things that are not the norm nor do I follow the crowd. However, I really like it when there are sames to enjoy with another. (believe me I am such a contradiction!) I guess I equate that with growing rooted and deep with another. I don't feel so lost or feel like a freak show. I feel accepted and even loved with sames. Differences in relationships are needed. The right differences compliment each other and together you can go further than if you went alone. Please hear this.. I welcome a healthy balance of differences and sames. What has really hit home is that when there is a bump in the road for a relationship, it is because of differences but with total focus on what makes you you and makes the other other, you lose sight of all the connections and intersections that brought you together in the first place and these 'sames' are what keep each other nurtured in the togetherness.

''thou art all fair''

Jeremiah 31:3
Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love.

Sometimes the Lord Jesus tells His Church His love thoughts. "He does not think it enough behind her back to tell it, but in her very presence He says, 'Thou art all fair, my love.' It is true, this is not His ordinary method; He is a wise lover, and knows when to keep back the intimation of love and when to let it out; but there are times when He will make no secret of it; times when He will put it beyond all dispute in the souls of His people" (R. Erskine's Sermons). The Holy Spirit is often pleased, in a most gracious manner, to witness with our spirits of the love of Jesus. He takes of the things of Christ and reveals them unto us. No voice is heard from the clouds, and no vision is seen in the night, but we have a testimony more sure than either of these.

Yes, beloved believer, you and I have had times of refreshing from the presence of the Lord, and then our faith has mounted to the topmost heights of assurance. We have had confidence to lean our heads upon the bosom of our Lord, and we have no more questioned our Master's affection to us than John did when in that blessed posture; nay, nor so much: for the dark question, "Lord, is it I that shall betray thee?" has been put far from us. He has kissed us with the kisses of His mouth, and killed our doubts by the closeness of His embrace. His love has been sweeter than wine to our souls.
~Spurgeon

When you really sit back and take in His Love, when you really take notice and see His Love, when you give Him the credit, His Love really changes you and you feel your heart expand...

Bethlehem (noun)

means 'house of bread'!!!

How fitting! The Bread of Life came that calm night for any who would partake. What food ... what love!!!

1. O little town of Bethlehem,
how still we see thee lie;
above thy deep and dreamless sleep
the silent stars go by.
Yet in thy dark streets shineth
the Everlasting Light;
the hopes and fears of all the years
are met in thee tonight.

2. For Christ is born of Mary,
and gathered all above,
while mortals sleep, the angels keep
their watch of Wondering Love.
O morning stars together,
proclaim the Holy Birth,
and praises sing to God the King,
and peace to all on earth!

3. How silently, how silently,
the Wondrous Gift is given;
so God imparts to human hearts
the blessings of His Heaven.
No ear may hear His coming,
but in this world of sin,
where meek souls will receive Him, still
the dear Christ enters in.

4. O holy Child of Bethlehem,
descend to us, we pray;
cast out our sin, and enter in,
be born in us today.
We hear the Christmas angels
the great glad tidings tell;
o come to us, abide with us,
our Lord Emmanuel!
Text: Phillips Brooks, 1835-1893
Music: Lewis H. Redner, 1830-1908
Tune: ST. LOUIS

Bread of Heaven, feed me till I want no more ...

broken window ... free flying

Whew!!! Feeling much better today. A few things looking up even though I busted the sliding window at my receptionist desk! No damage to me but a slight nick to the keyboard though. To bad I don't have a glass knife to cut the broken pieces down to a nice picture size to paint on!!!

Well, to the good news of the day...
... the computers are back. I saw them move in my old friends back to the back room. I just might be able to finish my Christmas letter yet or make that my New Year's letter during my hour lunch break.
... I stumbled upon a great website for us Mac lovers! Here I found the software since Apple was no help nor carries their old software I need and a number to call. I made my call today and found out that I can upgrade. I do not have to buy an whole new one. I am doing my happy dance. I just might have my upgrades by the first or second week of January.
... that transaction I made that I wasn't to keen on turned around and I feel better. I am not a sucker and I don't like to feel like it.
... I got to express somethings that had been piling up yesturday on my blog which when I woke, my 'sour' mood seemed to have dissapated.
... I also worked on a paint project for a girl at work. As I speak they are baking and I can hand them off. Now my time is freed for my own Christmas paint projects!

It is amazing when you can find a verse (Ps 25:17-18) to speak to God with and cry out. He hears. The struggle might still be there but He puts the bounce back in your step. I hope I can get back some of things that have fallen by the way side for this December. I like to make lists in prep for the New Year. I like to have a theme ready for my learnings. Compared to last year, I am really behind...

Thank You, Heavenly Father. You bring on the sunshine when all I have is the rain. Thank You.

enlarged troubles

Dearest Heavenly Father,
The troubles of my heart have enlarged; I am feeling irratated. It is not one problem but three! I have projects that needed to be completed and the weekend was not my own. I made a transaction for the sake of a gift that was given to me and I personally did not want to deal with this person. And add to that trying to make sence of break down. Bring me out of my distresses!Haven't I had enough? I can't take much more. I am in a sour mood. I hate this feeling. I just want peace. I can't seem to adjust. Look upon my affliction & my pain, My cherished joy is gone. I need peace. It is Christmas time and once again as I fight to go slow and be calm, chaos rules. & forgive all my sins. Oh, I would have thought it wierd to have that phrase within a cry out to You, but as I have been in this fowl mood, I have sinned. I have habored ill will towards that person I made a transaction with and still get heated at his lack of character. Then I wonder at my own for thinking such thoughts. I have been short with my words. I have scowled and snarled because things are not going my way. Pleae forgive all my sins! Please calm me. I want that childlike expectant glow. It is Christmas... and I want that glowing in my heart...
~always your child
(~Ps 25:17-18)

where are my ears?

He captures you with his warm brown eyes and his cutie shy grin. He is all verbal with some boy noises for his car but man, my ears where glowing red with alll his words! His favorite question? 'What ...?' What are you doing? What is that? exact words the pups know and Andy is up barking. He even would know the answer! No wonder my mom creates stories and words for little kids and for big kids too. I am going to have to get my stories sharpened to keep him mentally occupied with losing mine! When he wasn't getting his way, he would start in about 'where is his daddy?' Yikes! what do you say? I told the truth and hoped that he wouldn't go into full blown tears! He ripped my heart out by saying 'daddy left me.' No, my dear, he is coming to get you! He is one smart cookie too. He can tell the difference between Bobby and Andy, our toy fox terriers. He loved to help me with closet cleaning and doing laundery but oh, not to pick up his toys. I swear for being a boy he has full command of his words! I struggled with his language. I would repeat what I thought he was saying and no, I would get it wrong. You know Thomas the train? James is his favorite not Thomas! Everytime I would say Thomas ... no James! Oh, and he would tell me what he had at his house. I was eating an orange and he wanted some too. I loved how he would refer to the orange as wet. I would say 'juicy' and he looked at me with such eyes and say juicy with a giggle attached to it. Loved that moment. One last thing! It was potty weekend let me tell you. He is learning to do his thing in the potty and not the diaper. I did a lot of potty talk with letting the boys out and having him have his potty time. I did force the issue Friday night. Glad I did. I would not have liked taking care of that diaper. By the next day he was telling me he wanted to go. The draw was the red star and green christmas tree marshmellows Grammie had gotten for him. Let me introduce you to my 2 and half nephew!

another exclusion...

When I discovered my 36 food allergies, I had this sinking feeling that 'Great, another thing to keep me from others.' It played out today. The guys where cooking up a lunch for us girls at work. When I was asked if I was attending, I asked what they where cooking. The answer I got was 'its a surprise'. I declined. Good thing too. Lasagna and a salad. Stuff I could not eat. I would have been hungry and it isn't pretty when I am hungry.

But the 'missed yous' from the guys just kinda made me feel ... upset. The week was a bad one and to top it off with this...

It isn't the first nor will it be the last ...

glorious pink!

Being greeted by the eastern sky aflame in pink made me want to hit a high operatic (wow, a real word! I checked!) note of joy! This eye-popping pink burst and seeped across the sky and lit everything in it's pink. What a magnificant Painer God is! It wasn't a good week and to be caught up in this pink glow was a moment away from trouble brewing in my depths...

I did not care if I was going to be late I had to capture it in a picture. Good thing too, as I traveled to work this pink turned a faded gold...

dunstan baby language ...

'NEH' = hungry
'OWH' = sleepy (comes from a yawn)
'HEH' = discomfort
'EAIR' = lower gas (come from lower tummy)
'EH' = burp (comes from upper chest)

This info comes from once again Downunder! Priscilla Dunstan who is sensitive to noises people make found when she became a mother how to understand her new baby. The tag for this amazing ability is 'eidetic memory' - a rare photographic memory
for sound.

This language she discovered is universal for baby zero to 3mo no matter what country. Here this woman thought she was crazy!! but really it was a gift! I know she is coming out with a dvd soon if not already with real baby noises so you can begin to learn. What a wonderful gift to have...

meet Priscilla and get her dvd

hold to what you have ...

I have always gone back to 2003. It was a powerful year where being stripped of a job and sitting in my apartment, I felt a need to move towards the control I did have like gratitude, affirmation, appreciation, contentment, declaring His Attributes, claiming victory, delighting and savoring. Everytime I felt out of control that was my signal to move to what I could control. This movement was the opening to the Joy invasion upon my life.

I have a lot of mental battles with myself. It is a huge pain. I actually love my brain a lot but I get beside myself with issues or actions I need to take that it takes me down. I don't like that especially when God has done some painful surgery on my heart with Joy. I was juggling this thought hold to what you have on Friday as I was struggling with an experience that was happening. I began to take stock of what I did have and then in the mist God changed things. It proved peaceful.

Say you would like something like an iPod or maybe there seems to be another goodbye you have to deal with or maybe you would like to be in a different place with your professional work. All of these things are wishes, some are needs, and others are plain and simple wants. You feel the frustration and the anger mount. Start quieting yourself with taking stock with what you do have. As you do, you will see how God has blessed you already. A peace will come. Maybe the decision to get an iPod will be a no in the long run, but what you had was a weekend to decide whether the oportunity was a deal or not and that maybe it will turn out to be given to you! Maybe another goodbye is another void, but what you do have and had all along was a very hello family and supporter of who you are and dream to be and time to really focus on yourself and develope the home you believe you are. Maybe wanting to be in a different place with your professional work needs some tweaking, but what you do have is creativity and time to get it perfected.

The biggest HAVE is seeing how God came with you on all decisions will show you that He is the Satisfier...

winter wonderings ...

Heavenly Father, hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to You. It is cold here and my family and I are lost. I am searching because after nine days no one has found us. Only You see us. Lead me to find help. My family needs help. I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the Rock that is higher than I. This cold is taking my energy. The snow and rough earth is making my steps difficult. I really can't see. I need elevation. I need my family to make this outing. I long to have this Thanksgiving sightseeing trip make for a warm Christmas story. I long to gather my family close to me. I need YOU. For You have been my Refuge; a Strong Tower against the foe. I long to dwell in Your Tent forever and take refuge in the Shelter of Your Wings. Oh, I need Your Wings. I am stuck here in down in this earth. I long for Your Tent where You keep the fire burning always and hearty food to strengthen weak bodies. The bitter cold is a fierce foe. I don't know how long I have for my family. Nine days .. I had to find a way..
Ps 61:1-4

He reached down from on High and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep 'snow'. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from the 'bitter blinding cold', who was too strong for me. They comfronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my Support. He brought me out into a Spacious Place; He rescued me because He delighted in me. I've been rescued as well as my family. They are still on earth but see how my tears run down my face in Joy? All I wanted was my family to be safe, just as the Heavenly Father has for us. Wow!
Ps 18:16-19

I need a footnote here... What a great teammate you gave in my wife. We made great decisions together to keep our family safe. Guess what? She did not nag or yell at me about directions. We had the map. We both worked together. Respect is apart of Love... What a huge blessing...

I love You, O Lord, my Strength. The Lord is my Rock, my Fortress and my Deliverer; my God is my Rock, in whom I take Refuge. He is my Shild and the Horn of my Salvation, my Stronghold. I call to the Lord, Who is worthy of Praise and I am saved from my enemies.
Ps 18:1-3

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I wanted in some small way to honor those who take on a battle that is too huge for them. This is for all who wonder on their journey. This is for all who seek Him. It isn't alway as it seems with our feeble earthly eyes. Maybe with a tiny glimpse of eternal eyes, something so devastating can take on a Richness so Heavenly and Eternal...

I have to admire James Kim and I have to admire his family...
I have no clue what he was pondering in his mind and his heart. Like all of us touched by the Kims, I put my own ponderings within their story. I made it my own to ponder especially at Thanksgiving and at Christmas...

a thanksgiving sacrifice of precious gifts .....

lake effect...

Living with Lake Michigan above and over your shoulder, lake effect snow is very much apart of your snow experience. It is rare to have a snow storm come all the way from Washington State like it did over the weekend. It is more common to have the Canadian air sometimes labeled an Alberta Clipper sweep over Lake Michigan and bring us snow.

Two cities west of us always gets the lake effect but not this time!!! My county got it. I love it. Again I am a snowball! What I like is the beauty of white and the want to stay indoors to warm up with Christmas lights and music. I like the blankets and the painting. I like to cross stitch or maybe loom. Had to work though and driving isn't fun when there is that gloss on the snow, but it is soooo beautiful and each snow is different...

snow monster storm skipped me ...

I am a snowball I guess. Even though my hands are mostly cold and I begin wearing mittens way back in early fall, I totally love the snow. Anytime there is promise of a huge amount of snowflakes I get all excited. It is like a party to me.

So on the first, quite fitting for the first day of December I might add, I was looking forward to the huge snow storm that had marched from Washington state, through the plains and the midwest. No, not looking forward to power outages and no heat ... that was a bit too extreme for me. I just wanted some snow, gentle and calm snowglobe snow! Well, this scary snow monster of a storm hit all the midwest but skipped right over my state! I will not complain too much because I am grateful for the lights, internet service, and yes, the heat most of all because from last thursday to yesturday, it had dropped 52 degrees! It takes a lot for a body to adjust. Ok, I will admit I was wearing leg warmers and an undershirt for extra layers. Gotta when you already had one cold too many this fall.

I did have a snow fest Sunday night and a nice surprise this morning with a nice cold dusting of snow. It is a good start. It isn't sticking but it is a perfect snow that won't get dirty.

Happy snow! Happy hot blueberry tea! Happy warm winter made bed with flannel sheets and a wool blanket hidden to keep the toes warm! Happy Christmas lights glowing on the tree! Happy Christmas wreath with mittens! Happy time of year!

'objects-appear-closer-than-are' vision

I was kindly diagnosed that maybe I was being tight fisted about a friendship. After some personal mental debate, the diagnosis is wrong. My problem is that I suffer from ‘objects-appear-closer-than-they-really-are’ vision. No, I am not taking about looking backwards but rather when I look at someone straight on in a committed friendship or a relationship, I invest more into them then they do into me. (In fact others befriend me first. I do not befriend because it has never worked before.) I am a deep person. I am a listener. I ask probing questions to understand the other person. I have empathy for others. I am a sensitive. I am stedfast and here in the moment. Long after an encounter my heart and soul are working double time going through all the feelings. I am beginning to realize that others do not think like this or maybe a more correct way is they don’t act this way proving that I am a real freak show.

So if I what do I do with ‘objects-appear-closer-than-they-really-are’ vision? Is there any corrective measures? Do I stop investing all together? Why is it that when I see inconsistancy and voice it KINDLY it spirals into devistating conflict? Do I only interact on the surface? So does that mean I should not expect depth and commitment in those ‘investable’ relationships? Maybe I should be fickle? Does this mean I change myself?

OOOPs! Won’t do that! This is where I began wearing my fat suit. Won't be packing those pounds again. I will not change being a deep person or a listener, or using probing questions, or being empathic, or being a sensitive, or being stedfast. This is who I am to be, a God’s workmanship. This is a piece of sand that festers in within my heart and someday will prove to be a most beautiful pearl in His time. I have had other pieces of sand that have been in opposition with others but after time had passed and great agitation, I have discovered a peaceful pearl ( like my Joy Epiphany).

I will continue to be hypersensitive about not being where I am not wanted. I will continue to be hypersensitive about keeping my hands off the wheel ( I will not be bossy. I will not control. I will not be tight fisted) I will continue to be hypersensitive about pursuing dreams (meaning I am tenacious about encouraging dreams). I will continue to be stedfast and here.

If I was to take the deep out of me, if I was to stop engaging others, if I was to stop being sympatric, if I stopped questioning, if I stopped my empathy, it would be killing me, the best parts of God’s design.

I have had to just give up and to someone who believes in tenacity and endurance, giving up is slow painful million little deaths. To cope I had to make visuals for myself. The pearl, the airport, and the chauffer’s limo are my corrective measures.

Take an airport, here is where I will put all the people I will come in contact with. I will love, hug, and give them best wishes. (a gorilla lover of sorts I guess) When I ‘see’ their backside, I will wrap them in a prayer, wave a goodbye, and hop on my plane – destination home. I believe investing is loving and I must not stop. I did not finally get how to engage others to now stop permanently. If I can empathize with others, then I should be able to read their leaving signs better and faster. About the tight fisted, hands on the wheel control, I will always take the back seat as I allow the Chauffer to take me to places like the ‘airport’. I will never ride shot gun and I refuse to be a back seat driver.

This is a very sad day but what I will take from this is that little piece of sand that lies at the bottom of my heart that believes that a journey is two sided, -a journey walked and the journeyer supported, a journey of togetherness, a deep journey, a journey where both end up in the same place, a journey treasured and God-Approved- will one day confirm its worth as a worthy treasured pearl. That day will show that I am not a crazy freak.

side trail
What I know for sure is that good gifts expire. One must always give their best to others. You never know how long you have. Death is different than leaving. Death is final and God-Appointed. Leaving is people-appointed and when left on bad terms, all worth is flush out leaving you feel like a big fat zero. Selfish is withholding yourself and your love. Self-full is knowing how to balance self love and the love you give out every moment of everyday. If you are taking huge amounts of timeouts with God, then you are badly out of balance and cannot fully love as God wants you to love. If you are so out of balance and need huge amounts of timeouts, then expressing with your support team regularly can cut the amount of time you need. Good-Conflict is painful but both parties are seeking to love and understand each other. Bad-Conflict is lashing out and proving others wrong in the sake of protecting self. And choosing words like ‘I need to protect my God-designed journey blah blah blah’… could really mean you are not using God-Love to shelter the other in this time. Ebb and flow is the give and take not the hellos and the goodbyes...

Dear Heavenly Husbandman,
‘in giving up' and rest You promise Your Salvation. I never understood this and it is hard to understand even now. I hate giving up. It is not in me. My heart is black and blue. My spirit is deflated and shaken. But You promised Salvation. I must place my whole being in that. Save this wretched little girl. I need YOU. Love YOU … Thank You for keeping me. And about that piece of sand, I still believe in tenacity and endurance and that You require it of us as lovers. How long? You will quiet me and what joy when You reach down within me and pull out the most perfect pearl ... I will remain expectant but always loving ...
~ always Your little girl