bury the seed, bloom the flower ...

Bury the seed ...
When you leave me and I haven't a clue why, I will bury the seed and will still be a friend to you when you have chosen not to be one back.

When I have nothing else to go on and my heart breaks with lonliness, I will bury the seed and pray for you.

When I would rather think the worse of you because it makes goodbye easier, I will bury the seed and remember your dreams and your hurts and hold them close to my heart.

When I feel like crying or falling apart, I will bury the seed and smile.

When I have empty days, nights, and weekends, I will bury the seed and fill up those moments by being creative.

When the weight seems to much to bear, I will bury the seed and sing or hum a hymn.

When I need the white knight to come on his white horse, I will bury the seed and read Psalms 18.

When I bury each seed here and there as I journey this life, it hurts. It is such a struggle because each time I do so, it is like I am dying bit by bit. So I keep burying the seed and dive into a God-Promise holding on for dear life. I have got to believe that with each seed being dropped into the earth and covered by dirt, it will begin to rumble with life. I want to come back out and see flowers blooming and popping up everywhere. I am an impatient child and the wait is harder than burying the seed! Bury the seed.... Wait .... Wait .... Wait .... look .. maybe.... hey!!!! Blooooooooom the flowers....

vain attention = boy games

She couldn't wait to tell me about her weekend. She is engaged and living with a guy but was getting hit on by another guy all weekend. She enjoyed the attention yet knows this guy is crossing the line with excessive phone and text messages. She is feeling the relationship that she is in is a bit dull and she feels a tad ugly and the tummy pudge is because she is cushioning herself from the comments that bf is telling her. All the while she is telling me her escapade, I am having a dual conversation with myself over where to draw the line and what would I say to a guy with a flattery tongue when I should be figuring out what to ask her to see if she is thinking clearly...

I believe you must ask yourself what do you want. Do you want attention or do you what a quality man and a quality relationship? I know I have been there where you are craving attention and you choose that over the quality. Until you get sick and tired of wondering if a man is into you and start making that list of the wants, you are going to continue to pick attention over a long lasting and enjoyable relationship. I'm sorry but if you are wondering if he is into you, you are allowing him to play with your emotions like a cat cornering a mouse. Stop it! Be strong. Always go through the list.

A woman wants to be his beauty. This means she wants him to keep her pure and the relationship pure. He does not allow others to use her nor does he use her. He is always filling her with clean and pure love. He does not hurt her with comments that undermine her beauty. He knows just what to say to bring out her best. When he treats her as his beauty, there is no way she is going to look elsewhere for attention.

Why does it feeeeeels sooooo gooooood for a guy to pay attention to you? Why does the heart pound a little quicker? Why does the smile flash more? Why do the butterflies come? Why do we dress a bit more snappier and wear more make-up? I know I feel more alive and hey, even beautiful. But it is fleeting. Has it ever lasted? Something in our heads shuts off and we forget to remember what we really want. Totally boy games. Must stop losing my wits.

I have been picturing myself ... future self ... if some boy decides to pay attention to me that I will be a stronger more a whatever girl - a girl that does not get swayed by a look or by flattery - a girl who is calm and friendly yet makes the guy work for me. How else will you know he is made of endurance or is of quality? No digits given out. No allowances what-so-ever. And if I see any character flaw, test him more. He must show to be true down to his core. (Oh, how I wish I was as strong as I was at 8!)

..if anyone cleanses himself from the latter, he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work. II Tim 2:21

I like that - being a vessel. I am not trying to mean to boys. I am just sooooo tired of it all. There is something about being a clean sleek vessel that is useful that is so appealing to me...

A prudent girl foresees evil in vain attention and hides herself; the simple girl passes on and is punished.
`keeper's version of proverbs 27:12.

The girl at work keeps asking if she is wrong. She knows the answer. We shall see if she can get this out of her system.

enjoying others ...

I had planned a day with Mom where I had a few stores I wanted to hit and pack in a movie. On past two outings there where things I wanted to achieve and failed which I allowed to ruin the day. Not on this day! Sure I had planned things I was looking for and I told God about them but that my main goal was to enjoy my Mom. I told her my plans even about enjoying her. I did it! Mom said she enjoyed the day!!! wooo hooo.

I was able to finish out my work pant swap out. Now I have a week's worth of decent pants. I hope to have confidence Monday when I where the blue. I know I am a crazy one. I did not find the loom or knit wit or the knitting board book but I did find the stitch counter and stitch keeper which helped me make and understand the heart pattern I made! My heart is finally looking like a heart!

A very good day indeed. Enjoying my Mom primo and the other little things where sprinkles!

40 vs 40 ...

Two competing thoughts have bumped into each other in my thinking world. First thought came from a study that people in their 40's in every part of the world are more depressed than at any other age. Uh oh! Does that mean that in a couple of years I will be in a more depressed state than when I was in my teens and twenties? The second thought came from a book by a Korean believer. He was describing a culture where the young ones could not wait until they where 45 because that meant everyone would then treat you with respect and honor. Wow! But then again 45 just might be the turning upward point for the 40's.

As the new year began and I saw my life ahead and not wanting to do or be someone that didn't make it to their dreams, I decided that I should start 'planning my mid-life crisis' as a way to be funny and maybe curb my upcoming downward spiral. I guess if I really put in the time to try to reach my goals than maybe I won't have time to get defeated...

hurt me ...

How do words sting! I am an adult with 3o some years to take the edge off the pain of a raised voice and angered filled words and I still am crushed every time. I was in a numbing pain quiet pain so I was keeping to myself and trying to do my best when sleeping in and reading a book with a warming liquid soothing out my frays. To my wildest shock a man ripped into me. It doesn't matter who was wrong, what matters to me most is playing as a team.

I am sick of others feeling it is alright to attack me and I am suppose to do the right thing and take it. Pretty much I am shocked stiff with eyes in a rage and my voice gone. I cry and talk myself right then my mind goes right back and my heart bleeds. Where can I go? I have no team player. I have no arms to hold me and have no words that soothe my being. Am I that loathsome? Or is the world that petty?

Don't get me wrong. I do have Arms and I do have Heavenly Words. I do have one Awesome Teammate but aren't believers called to love? Where are they?

Dear Heavenly Father,
Junk was brought to the table and again I find myself floundering with the right way to defuse the problem. All I could do was walk away. I probably will have to deal with some of it again tomorrow. I need YOU. How do I fly above it? How do I live exceedingly abundantly beyond? It is not eternal but it sure stings now...

I am glad to come home and sigh. I am glad that food awaits my hungry tummy. I finished an easter egg on my loom and even though I feel numb about it, I hope when I show my mom her excitement will encourage me. Right now I just want to hide me and all my creative things.

It is bedtime and as I close my eyes and myself from all the hurts, I ask for Your Words to cuddle me into Your Presence. You are the Great Shephard and You pull me close. I have only You to answer to and look to. You never fail. Your eyes are always friendly, Your voice always deep and calming...

I love You because You first loved me and pursued me. You called beautiful and beloved. Ahhhhhh, ' whom shall I fear?' Thank You. I knew You only could provide me with comfort. May I curl up in Your Arms and go to sleep ....
~always your fearful little girl

My Girl,
I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you to fear man? (Isaiah 51:12) You are a child of the King. You are the girl - your Bridegroom cometh. Keep being beautiful. Keep your smile about you.
~always the King, always the Bridegroom

hurt me no more!

Love never fails ...

These three words to a longer passage of love appeared by themselves above a devotional. I could not really read the devotional because the words were speaking very loudly. Love never fails. Wow! On this broken down earth, love is very hard to come by. Even though I know love is work and I am not afraid to give it my all, I have not found another that thinks like this pursuing me. Fortunately these where not my first thoughts. Rather these words gave me comfort because what God has done for me.

God so loved me! that He gave His Son Jesus to die/pay for all my sins. Jesus gave His life so that I could have a joyful everlasting life. I could finally rest in His Resting place. It is uncommon for another to give his life for even a friend, but MY God did. So when I get stuck in the heartbreaks of love and live, my focus needs to be put back on the love that never fails*...

Read Psalms 18!!!! This is the best love story and it is a real happy ending. Be the character in this story and kneel in awe of the Awesome God coming to your rescue.

*1 Cor 13 (8)

giving love a good name ...

Here are some statements ....

'You can choose your sin. You canNOT choose your consequence.'

'Do not marry someone you think you can live with. Marry someone you canNOT live without.'

'It is not what you can get away with but rather how pure you can be.'

A lot to think about when you start out on your love life. It only gets harder as you pack on the years. I keep looking at what life has brought to me and I get this mother instinct going to where I want to warn or impact a young person into deep thinking... I feel very strongly that you should have practice discussions on life issues with your family. And if you have no one to practice with surely blog! - just write out scenarios and have an answer.

Here is one. The web is a new frontier. It is a great place to learn new things and learn about cultures and maybe meet some decent and great human beings. Unfortuantely, there are a lot of peeps out there looking for trouble and looking to prey. It is always prudent to strengthen your resolve.

So to beef up I have put down some words to bolster my faith. However, from experience I doubt saying this to a hunter will make them go away. By experience if you say your a christian, they retort back they are christian too and see nothing wrong with 'such in such' (fill in the blank). But from what you think about comes feelings, from feelings comes behavior, from behavior comes habits. So by practicing you are getting your own thoughts in order. From there you can decide if you need to flee to God or be bold for Him.

Here is my snap back to hunters whating what they cannot have from me...

No. No discussion to what I hold in high esteem and desire to keep pure. I serve God not flesh. I am free to love Him fiercely and acutely. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am free to keep my image sacred and protect it at all costs.

If I was doing this with others, I would have them give their response and even have them challenge me. Having one response isn't wise. You must have several responses. Arrows will come at you from all sides. Again the best way to deal with hunters is to flee. But having practice drills with others will only help you should you find yourself not as strong as you thought you were...

a lot of fine dusting ...

I forgot to count how many snow storms we have had in the past two months - definitely over a hand full! Each snow fall is different. Sometimes it is big and fluffy. Sometimes it is small and light or it could be heavy. Sometimes it is just flakes and no ground cover which usually happens in December teasing us but not letting us have a white Christmas.

On Sunday this snow was super fine and there was a good amount of it. It was like a mini blizzard without the show stopping and keeping in that a real big blizzard will do to you. Plus, it was suppppppper cold - in the negative F*. Snow still amazes me with its variety.

I have a jeep and I love how it handles. I do not have anti lock brakes (scary) and I can pop it into 4-wheel. Deciding when to use it and when not to is a bit frustrating. However when there is a good amount of snow, I love putting it into gear and hearing or rather feeling the low crunch the tires make as they eat up the snow. Even though it has taken me a good while to have confidence, I love how my liberty baby tackles the snow.

Like I said before, I do love winter and I love my jeep but I am getting tired of winter roads. Probably because I fail to give myself enough to time to make it to work and I have been going through town because of bad roads (too much traffic, school buses, and school crossings). I do not like slippery or black ice. Had a wreak on black ice. Do not want to do have a death ride again. We also had two warm ups with a ton of rain and snow melt off causing 2 major floods here in town. It limits available roads. Then more snow and you begin to wonder if the water receded or if the ice is hiding underneath. I think they receded. Know so on my favorite back road.

Crazy though under all this snow that within a month, spring will show up. Then again we've had snow in April!

enjoying God ...

Ok, here is a corker! Do you ENJOY God? If so, what do you ENJOY about Him?

Not to long ago I would have to be honest that I did not enjoy God but today I can truly say that I do enjoy Him. I talk to Him like having a conversation with another human. If I am having trouble understanding something about my job, I ask Him to show me what I am missing. He does! It amazes me. I say thank you straight away too. I wish I was more so with my painting and looming. In those places I tend to zone out a bit on my life or thoughts but then again I am often talking to God about other things. I really have no one who listens to me and it is great to chatter away. I chatter so much that I worry that I am not spending enough hush time with Him.

Another thing I enjoy about God is His amazing Beauty. I can walk out of my building or on my drive to work and see something special in God-Artwork. I especially enjoy the sunsets and the winter sunrises. Going to work on a chilllllllly morning only to have a huge orange fireball kiss me on the cheek is such a great way to start my cold days. Who doesn't like looking up into the night sky and watch the stars sparkle!

I do. I do enjoy God...

What is up will come down?

I can't get on blogger? What is going on? Is anyone else having issues?

I have been preoccupied with getting more instruction on my looms and haven't been mentally ready to write. Bummer, too. I need to write to be sane. A lonely existence needs outlets as well as a creative.

I have been running into glictches. My iTunes needs my iMac updated and when I go to upgrade it takes alllllll day and even into the night then it gets a networking error - timed out (-1001) Before that I had to delete old systems to make room. Guess what? My currant Appleworks is messed up because of me! And the fourth break down is blogger not allowing me on and it smells of Safari not working with Blogger.

On the looming side of things, I have made progress on finding a great instructor. She creates small projects that really make for great impact! She labors over the instructions more than the actual creation. What dedication! I am too new at looming and have no back ground in knitting or crocheting. I doubt I will ever to create anything that far out. I can make some creations and maybe when I am over my frantic need to grasp everything, I will be able to really have some creative vision instead of relying on patterns.

At work the auditors have come. Grrr. I know that they are there to make sure we measure up yet it feels like 'big brother' breathing his grimy breath down my exposed neck.

All the while God still whispers that He is still there and reminds me what is important for the Eternal. Swindoll has been taking about 'living life exceedingly, abundantly, beyond'. It came at the right moment. It that amazing of God? It is flying over and seeing all the crazy chaos below and not being touched by them nor hindered. This learning sticks to my bones. I care very much about how I do things and the tools that I use but I don't get bogged down. Not necessary. Not eternal either.

Another thought came this week and I think it was Swindoll again. ''The struggle in coming around is as important as doing what God asks'. I so often get frustrated with others when they are struggling and just don't do it as well as getting frustrated with my ownself. I do come around to excepting it. Hmmm, a struggle isn't it. The struggle is 'holy mud'. It fashions us into being a better reflection of God.

What won't kill us makes us stronger. eh?

c word ...

A woman in my extended family found out she has cancer before Christmas. What do you say or do when you are shy and she isn't in your immediate family circle?

I always think about 'what would I do' in this situation or that situation. What would I do if I had cancer or lost a body function like my legs? Would I be able to shine with God's Light? Would it be a trial or tribulation or are these the same things? Would it be something God wanted to work in me or would it come because I did not take care of myself?

I think any one would want to travel through a hardship well and with joy abounding from with in. I also think anyone would rather take God working in us than being dealt a woe from doing something wrong. I do get beside the point.

This woman dove right in getting treatments and started blogging. She is even preparing for when she loses her hair. She walks with God and I think she will come through this saying that she was glad God touched with her this. She seems right on so what do you say?

I found a verse today and God's Word is always better than my own words.

.... Christ Jesus our Lord. In Whom we have boldness and access with confidence through faith in Him. Therefore I ask that you do not lose heart at any tribulations for you, which is your glory. For this reason I bow my knee to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. ~ Eph 3:11-14

I am picturing it... bowed knee to God's heavy hand with Joy. What seems to others as a dark black cloud weighting you down is really a bright cloud of glory resting over you. Your faith is bold and confident. Your face is radiant as you look into His Eyes with trust.... absolutely noting to lose. Why die every day? Got eternal life? Then you have every day to live exceedingly abundantly beyond....

muddled daydreams ...

Oh boy, I am obsessed with looming and finding patterns that work! On top of that I am trying to get my imac updated and getting a bunch of errors. I also am trying to put time into getting rid of stuff besides squirreling away time to come write! Don't forget to add in the photobooks that make great gifts as well as eat away time. I soooo desperately want to be creative but I must pigeon hole allotments of time for each creative bit I want to do as well as working an eight to five accounting job to feed my hungry tummy, clothe my bod, and provide sleep and shelter for my weary soul. What is a girl to do?

Besides that I am in such a mommy mode. Noooooo, I don't want kids but rather I am feeling such an urgency to impart hard fought wisdom to kids. What a mess this world is in and I hurt when I see such trouble. It isn't just the teenagers that seem in trouble but the twenty-somethings are really getting messed up. It is really scaring the daylights out of me. I pace and mutter. Yes, I know that might look a bit funny to an on-looker. I am not a mom but an aunt and I do wonder what influnence I can bring to my own nieces and nephew.... I have to answer my many questions with what I have learned in Quiet Leadership. Ask the questions...

Having my mind daydreaming on words, looms, and saving the world, I have to finish this crazy rant with a success, I completed a red and pink valentine hat for my niece. It has an interesting crazy knot on top but wanted to add some corkscrew fringe. Failing at this. I think the instructions are lousy! On an up note, I sewed an inside to my loom purse and stitched it in. Finally completed! Quite happy. Have some cool patterns! Some I am sure I can figure out and unfortunately some that I might not be able too...

loyality to me ...

A phone conversation. One sided. You are an intelligent and intuitive reader, you can come up with the other side of the conversation. However, this side of the conversation is the most important...

~ ` ~ ` ~
[x:]

[girl:] Hello! It has been a long long time! What have you been up to?

[x:]

[girl:] I am glad you are back but I have always been here. I have always prided myself in being loyal but I have failed in being loyal to myself. To be clear, I am glad you are back but I will be loyal to myself first. I have a set of rules for my watch. I am not saying you must jump hoops. They are just benchmarkers for me to know if I am getting the real deal or just taking in scraps. I am enough. I am valuable. I have finally figured out what real loyality and real friendships and real relationships are... I cannot go back if I have learned what I was to learn...