wonder ...

Ravi notes:

Are you seeing with your eyes or through your eyes?
In this day of visuals you better be seeing through your eyes instead of just with. You need to be using your thoughts do you are not duped.

In reality beauty is most pure and delightful. In imagination evil is most alluring!
Wow! Very true. No wonder Proverbs and the NT letters is always reminding us to stay pure. It is hugely noticeable in this day in age! Watch for it!

The older you get takes more and more to fill your heart of WONDER and God is the only One Who is big enough to fill it.
Super true. I lost my wonder and I finally have it back. Yet, as I know this truth, I look forward and know I must always cling to God. I do not want to ever lose this wonder...

Young Bucks ...

This is a book about making child millionaires. I happened to hear the author give three points to promote his book.

1. No allowance
2. Give the child the 'gift of want'
3. Find the child's passion

My initial thought was this is good. I am at a point in my life where I cannot make my passion a go as my profession. If I had this as a child with no fear, I would be doing quite well in loving my work because my passion would be center stage. Then I got to thinking how to do you mix being a creative and making a millionaire with that. A parent must really keep the balance between the two in order not to squash either. A creative's dream can be easily mucked out and just maybe a creative won't ever achieve millionaire status but being successful is the bar to achieve.

I did not have the allowance. I know that I did have the gift of want and would save and save until I got my 10 speed bike. I know I had passions but being from a family of stifled creatives, we did not know how to make our creative ideas profitable. It was something you did on the side.

I wonder how to impart this equation upon my little nieces and nephew.... if I would have a chance to share this with their parents...

setting my mind on things above ...

When it comes to being alone, I just might have stumbled onto my next steps in this journey. By setting my mind on things above instead of setting my mind on the things of earth allows me to think more of the Kingdom and the King instead of striving to have my own castle and king here on earth. {Col 3:2}

I am to be a minister of God in patience and the behavior to do so is by longsuffering and sincere love. There are no restrictions but my own affections. Where are my affections? Ah, here is where I've been suffering. My affections have been here on earth instead of having a sincere love for God. I so want to be content with my journey as God has so designed. {II Cor 6:3-12}

Finally, my noel, my precious gift, farewell. Become complete. Be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in joy ; and the God of love and peace will be with you. {II Cor 13:11} As I send you good wishes, it too belongs to me.

I will continue to whisper these God-Truths every time weary, fear, and frustrations darken my door. This is calling my King to stand in the door. How can anyone enter at strong man's house and carry off his possessions unless he first ties up the strong man? Then he can rob his house. He who is not with Me is against Me, and he who does not gather with Me scatters. {Matthew 12:29-30} The enemy cannot stand against the Rock of Ages. I arrest my case.

Old Man Winter vs. Pixie Spring Girl

I was hoping for a nice sunny day for Friday and I got it! The weatherman had been off all week so there was a chance. Thursday evening ended with big juicy raindrops mixed with fat snowflakes then just fat snowflakes amounting to an inch covering the ground. Believe it or not there was thunder in this too.

I love the month of March mostly because I was born towards the end of it, so I have many memories of budding spring even though my parents tell me about the snow when I was born. Yet my adult years March is more the dance between Old Man Winter and a Pixie Spring Girl. One leads and then the other leads until finally Old Man Winter is totally exhausted and bows out, leaving Pixie Spring Girl have her time in the spotlight. My love for March has changed a bit and that is ok. I love this Winter Spring dance. It allows me to wear my winter clothes before I have to put them away. My hands aren't so cold - just cool to the touch! I can also lighten up on the layers. Always nice to let the skin breathe again. OOOO, can't wait for thongs (feet kind). Opps, getting ahead of myself!

Back to the Winter Spring dance - This time of year is the time of my favorite Winter Spring flower and second to my all time favorite Johnny Jump Up - the crocus!!!! Miss Crocus loves the touches of snow and sun. Totally crazy and I am totally smashed over it all!

can you give to much of yourself to someone?

expectant vs. expectations

My dearest daughter,
Am I not your Designer and Creator? Am I not your Protector and Provider? Didn't you come up with the table epiphany to handle yourself with your relationships? Don't you have a relationship with Me? What is your purpose in having expectations?

Shouldn't you sit up to My table and feel confident that I will provide only the best and finest for you? All you would have to do is show up and be willing to partake. Come to My table expectant that I will provide and care for your needs. Stop with all these little pesky expectations! These harm your journey and harm the character building I am doing within you. There is a difference. Expectant connects you to delight and joy. Expectations pull you under.

I am the Lord and I will not allow your soul to famish. I have assigned you your portion and your cup. The cup in My Word always refers to sorrow but remember I always make good from bad. I never waste your pain or sadness. The boundary lines I have placed around you fall in pleasant places. You have a delightful inheritance {aka: joy}. Use the joy! {Proverbs 10:3 & Psalms 16:5&6}

Number your days in God-Victories, God-Leanings, and God-Presence. Psalms 90 is about the Israelites stumbling around the wilderness. All they could do was mutter. Moses was asking for help in numbering the days the correct way. Don't doubt. Don't be wave tossed about. Your strength is in Me only if you let it. {James 1:6}

So how is your appetite?
~ always your Heavenly Father

what is worse?

Hmmm, an interesting question and one that really pumps up the faith...

What is worse than hardships?
What is worse than persecution?
What is worse than death?

answer: being lost !!!!

What a privilege to stand on the Rock and say 'LOST NO MORE'.

Where do you stand? to behold the Man of Sorrows

numbering my days ...

So teach us to number our days,
That we may gain a heart of wisdom.
~psalms 90:12

Today I will be 14,244.75 days old. I've been feeling pangs of a mid-life crisis coming on or rather just feeling very lethargic about my life. So as I am trying to flame up my life, I noticed Psalms 90 a psalm by Moses. It isn't really a fun passage rather it talks about the bad days. I am still trying to wrap my mind around it all for myself.

Dear Heavenly Father,
As I tackle each day whether it is a good one or a not so good one, I am learning to lean on You every moment. I want a heart of wisdom. To be sage like I think is a wonderful fulfillment of what is possible in me. I am in a haze and I am trying so hard to bring my passions center stage. I am entering days ahead that seem soooooo lonely but I have You. I number Your Presence on my life pages. Thank You for creating me and at times that seems hard to utter. Then I realized that I have let the enemy in. I need to keep You in the doorway. You are my Hiding Place. I am Your creation. I pray to be a vessel, a light, and salt ...
Huge Huggers to You, my Designer and Creator.
~always much love,
your daughter

to behold the Man of Sorrows ...

That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. ~Romans 10:9

What a wonderful day the first Easter morning was but what will complete the picture is when all the believers are resurrected from death to live forever more in the Kingdom. When we shall behold the Man of Sorrows and His wounds He bore for us, no words will express all of the emotions felt in that moment...

What a celebration!

never alone ... Easter's gift

never alone ... Easter's gift

All the radio guys have been talking about Jesus and His last week. I ate it up and my eyes watered at it all. Here are some thoughts that tugged at me.

*Jesus became our sins.
Have you wondered at Nazis and the killing of the Jews? Have you wondered at the rapist? or the child abuser? or wife beater? or murderers? What about the ones who got off and never paid for their sins? Has someone hurt you with their words or their hands? Have you done so to someone else? Jesus took every ugly sin and bore it. He drank the cup given by God the Father with His eyes WIDE OPEN. He became our disgusting sins. To see Jesus in this way is very disturbing! But He had to this for us so that we can live our eternal lives in a pure and holy kingdom.

*God the Father deserted His one and only beloved Son Jesus.
Jesus experienced for the first time God's exclusion. Jesus felt utter loneliness like no other so that we don't have to ever be lonely again! Wow!!! Hmmm, maybe I need to just hush up about my alone journey!!

*The Resurrection is God's AMEN to Jesus' Crucifixion.

not abandoned ... Easter's gift

all in the title ...

I always strongly felt that God made marriage as a gift unfolding for us. As a single girl in want of this gift and having God say no baffles my tiny heart. I could go on and on about my conviction ... but I will just give you some book titles that caught my eye and supports my little conviction. Now I have not read any of these books but just might when I am feeling strong again.

• Sacred Marriage: What if God made marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy.
  
• Sacred Influence: How God uses wives to shape the souls of their husbands.
  
• Sacred Parenting: How raising children shape our souls.
  
• Sacred Pathways: Discover your souls path to God. 
all written by Gary Thomas.

Often I see a title and I don't need to read the book. I start to answer them on my own. So I kinda hate to read the book - afraid that I just might be disappointed.

So are these titles stirring up anything for you?

isolation & selfishness

I have been seeking to be at peace with my alone journey and especially the future. I know that I won't always have my parents and that is a nightmare I don't even want to think about but it creeps in. I think I am trying to finally close the huge cranky door on a very intense and powerful relationship that went belly up. I have made slow and a very torturous progress. I just can't seem to shake this one. What will it take to get over x?

I always find it quite interesting that when I seek, I find little bits. God has that effect on His children when they seek. He keeps lining up finds in twos and threes. I abhor desertion. To my surprise God's Word has something to say about this and I just happened to read it on Tuesday. This is dot one:

A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he rages against all wise judgement. Proverbs 18:1

Whoa! He is wrong to isolate himself and the conversation before was about me being my 'nude' self instead of 'fattening' myself up to avoid hurt. Interesting to was that he was floored that someone thought he was an angry bloke. Look there in that verse. Rages against all wise judgement sounds like anger to me. Yet as I see his wrong, I also see his pain and his dreams unrealized. I cannot fault him and that makes way for my claw like fingers on his memories. There is warning here for me. I cannot escape. I have watched others take leave of my life. I am down to the bare bones. I am fine at the moment and don't want to develop any 'ships'. However, I cannot avoid the verse. I cannot isolate myself. I must reach out. It is just so tiring to reach out only to get burned for touching a hot stove.

The other dot was came from reading another's blog. 'Sometimes we outgrow people'. It seems to be a universal human experience my mother did not warn me about. Probably because we don't think like that or perhaps because my mother could never hold down a friendship either so it never came up. Wait!! Kudos for my parents for keeping a marriage strong for over 30+ years!!! So our dna is all about sticking to it for life; it NOT about outgrowing others.

I have never thought that my broken 'ships' where because I out grew them! I did have one that I was feeling that we wereN'T going in the same direction. I did have thoughts of relief when she finally dumped me on my birthday. I did have a conversation with x about friendships and he mentioned the outgrowing - that friends have certain life spans. I didn't like the conversation then nor now. What is wrong with growing together? What is wrong with experiencing their lives even if it on the sidelines cheering them through their 'holy mud'? I am not sure I am ready to bury my toughing it out to go along this line of thought.

Watching a program displaying the silent mode of relationships is where I found the third dot. 'As children we are thought to express ourselves. (use your words!!) As adults we just check out.' Why is it that a guy go through a life and death experience only to claim up around his loved ones because they can't possibly know what he went through? How is she ever going to understand and hold him up in this battle? Remember Moses had two men helping hold his rod up for the Israelites to win in battle. Well, beats me. x checked out. Why only makes one stay in the past.

So I have these three dots. They seem connected. I feel that dot one was the most important and that dot two and three were merely underlines drawing the eye back to the power of isolation and what it will do to your very soul! You became a raging selfish black hole.

seasons of friendship

Apple Classifieds ...

::: W A N T E D :::
an apple guru who can mentor an advance novice! with her iMac and downloading issues. All I have owned is Apple and I need to maximize my knowledge. I have struggled and thought I was on my way last night only to have an error -4960. I have broken my Appleworks. ITunes won't work because I can't update to 10.4.11. I have searched the web and have come up short. I am off to reload OS X and cleaning off system 9. I am afraid, very afraid. I don't want to lose everything! I need help!

the enemy companion ...

I decided to take a time out before bed to read God's Love Letter. Feeling desperate and tears coming, I needed to climb into God's Strong Arms to feel safe and loved. In Psalms 55 there is a feeling recorded there. There was no telling me what to do or how to feel. It was perfect to know that God hears and understands what I feel.

King David is describing the enemy and how he is trouble, how he hides, how he depends on God. Then in the middle of it David is describing a different kind of enemy. This new one was once a verrrrrry close friend! He feels betrayed. He can't seem to grasp it. But an enemy is an enemy and King David puts his trust in the One and Only - God.

companion enemy:
12) If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were raising himself against me,
I could hide from him.

13) But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,

14) with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

20) My companion attacks his friends;
he violates his covenant.

21) His speech is smooth as butter,
yet war is in his heart;
his words are more soothing than oil,
yet they are drawn swords.

the Ultimate Companion
17) Evening, morning and noon
I cry out in distress,
and He hears my voice.

18) He ransoms me unharmed
from the battle waged against me,
even though many oppose me.

22) Cast your cares on the LORD
and He will sustain you;
He will never let the righteous fall.

My enemy companion is a believer. He has deserted me. His voice captured in emails and memories is smooth. I believed we had sweet fellowship together and with our God. Yet the battle rages within me. God knows how I feel and He pulls me close. He knows that I feel like my feelings have been jerked around. Why come in and leave? Trust and faith have been questioned. But God will ransom me unharmed!!! He does not waste my tears, my frustrations, my pain, nor my sadness. He works all things for good even the ugly, He creates good. I still care about x. I don't think ill of him when I am strong (quirkysmirk!). What of that?

God is good to me. My feelings, my sweat, and tears - He heard them all and recorded them. He gently wipes my tears and hugs me close. AMEN!

a March beauty ...

Winter is going and Spring is coming. It is the middle march of seasons. There are still crusty snow piles in parking lots all over town. The one behind my jeep is still there so I am backing out of my parking space on edge so that I don't back into other cars. The sun has been out the last three days. The snow not lucky enough to be in a pile is gone and instead is the yellow brown grass. It doesn't seem usual if my memory serves me correctly. In the past it seems that there is a bit of green mixed in and not such a harsh dead color. Wednesday after fueling up (too numb to shed tears - might as well just stuff 50 dollar bills into the tank!), I had my jeep washed. Woo hoo, amazing to see the brillant Patriot blue shine through again! But to top that, when I parked for the day at my place last night, my eyes stopped in their tracks. I was captured by the pale purple white crocuses blooming along side the apartment house!!!! I looked to see if the black truck was parked. Shucks! The man neighbor is home. I can't take a pix of the endearing flower; they sit in front of his closed blinds.

Ahhhhhhh, crocuses - a March beauty!

to rid a clinger ...

Guess I will try to recreate a lost blog entry...

If you are a male in need of getting rid of some girl that has taken a shine to you and you have been NICE to her and seemed to have shared great a great friendship, DO NOT JUST VANISH! Be mean and make her hate you. It is the kindest thing you could ever do for her. By making her hate you, you have allowed her to get rid of you quicker and on to her life. But noooooo you think you are being nice by just pooof goooone. What you are really doing is allowing you to stay in her life. All those good memories put up a real hard fight against your disappearance. The girl makes all kinds of excuses for you. It does not matter even if she has finally stopped obsessing over you, there are those moments that she still gives you credit over herself. You probably think that is just fine that you still look good in character when you should be classified as a monster and a bounty on your head for being a deserter.

If you are a girl in need of ridding yourself from a guy who has deserted you for no obvious reason, GET MAD. Stop being nice to him and be kind to yourself. He has told you that you are not good enough for him by not being man enough to face you. Translate that to the real equation: He is not good enough for you! He is not what you want. You want someone to say hello and STAY!!!!!!!!! He is a toxic clinger not you! So you are all alone. Horizons look bleak. Purge the old. Now is the time to be who you want to be. Make a list and start seeking this out before God.

prayer gift ...

All I had to offer was prayer. It was your birthday but I have no access to your life. From what I can tell is that you have shut down all means of approach. Latest word is to stop blocking the blessing. I have gone quiet ... outwardly. Privately the battle still seems to rage on. Will I ever give up and get on?

If prayer is as powerful as what God's Word says it is then why am I waffling? Prayer moves mountains. Prayer comforts a sad soul. Prayer brings joy. Prayer is a moving strength of confidence. Am I doubting that my prayer can move accross lands and seas to reach someone I once knew? Am I doubting that x would feel prayer wrapping around him? Am I doubting that x would go about his day unfazed by a feeling that someone is praying for him? Am I doubting that I can pray without selfish motive? Am I doubting that prayer can change me?

I do struggle with prayer. I pray to God every day. To others I am talking to myself. I have no other who listens and no other who can see what I cannot see. I find prayer a great help with my work. But often in my dreams and passions, I struggle with prayer. Why do I cry when I am praying? Why do I find grief? Is it because I am seeking my own will even though I try sooooo hard to seek God's? It is alright to have tears over people but for myself?

Will I get to know if x had a day that he could not explain other than someone prayed for him?

as for me ...

Making God the apple of my eye via Psalms 17:8 made me go read the whole chapter. What really struck me was Psalms 17:14-15. It is a difficult read when you are reading through the NKJV so I went over to the NIV. At the beginning of verse 14 seems to be a hiccup that even trying to compare the versions didn't seem to iron out. However, I could not shake the feeling I had.

The underlying feeling is that you are looking at God's children whose bellys are full with His hidden treasure and to the point that this treasure overflows unto the children's children. But in the NIV verse 15 you see one who is on the outside looking in at those who are blessed with family. This one feels single and without the abudance of family and fullness.

O LORD, ... You still the hunger of those you cherish;
And whose belly You fill with Your hidden treasure.
They are satisfied with children,
And leave the rest of their possession for their babes.
As for me, I will see Your face in righteousness;
I shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness.
~Psalms 17:14-15 mostly NKJV with a tiny bit of NIV

I fell in love with verse 15 because that is where I am in my life. Stuck here forever it seems. I don't want to be happy with this because I want more. I want a teamship. I am afraid that if I settle in, I will be this way forever and there will be no companionship. The better part of me says to be content and take on verse 15 as my theme. It does not matter. Keep the faith! No doubts...

*swallows - lump still stuck in throat / heart & soul bent on singing verse 15* One way or the other the lump stays or will be pushed out...

tech bytes ...

Breathe......

I am just out of sorts and frustrated with dial up and trying to get the updated downloaded for my operating system. (Tiger, hear me roar!) It takes hours and just when it is almost finished, the connection drops and I am left with no download. I tried a different way thinking that I could download it bits at a time but noooooo, it will not be working out this way.

I have no iTunes and I managed to break my Appleworks to add to my mess. I am so tired of trying to keep connected so I can write and do some creative things online. I want so badly to make this work so I spend less time on the problems and get to being creative......

While I am having a splish splash in my pity pool, ticks me off to have made a blog entry last saturday as I pushed the publish button - poof Safari shut down. When I got back onto my little place, the entry did not save nor where there any drafts saved in my posts. What good is autosave if it doesn't work?

One last thing - I have made a notch on my virtual front steps in hopes to find a good, knowledgable, and very patient apple friend. No bytes there... bummer. Maybe I will have to break down and beg for some poor chap or chapette to help. Opps tooooooo neeeeedy. Crossing that off the list. I will mutter through and survive...

my heart is steadfast ...

To best way to describe the Psalms would be they are quite simply each a painting depicting a time in your life. I have gone on about Psalms 18. Now I am going to show you the art of Psalms 57.

It is your darkest night. Monsters and beasts are everywhere. In the midst of it you are sheltered by the Almighty Refuge. All you have to do is call and He is there. What I love about it is that in the that dark the author is humming a tune and it gets louder until he awakes the dawn with his passion and love of his Shelter! It is like an explosion of light!

When I was reading it I couldn't help but love verse 7 & 8:

My heart is steadfast, O God,
my heart is steadfast;
I will sing and make music.

Awake, my soul!
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.

Being in a place where I need to harness my thoughts and not trudge through memories, I need this song to sing. And to think about awakening the dawn? I am so not a morning person. Of late the dull headaches, an erge to upchuck, and cotton lodged in my throat, mornings just don't suit me. I am fighting the sickness around me so mornings are even more of the need to shut the world out by pulling covers over my head and snuggling in for more zzz's. Tired is a 'night'. Memories are a 'night'. My heart needs to remain strong. My heart needs God, my Refuge. So I will sing and I will grow louder to shut down the night.

my heart is steadfast!!!!

quickly, sweetly, completely ...

I was listening to a speaker talk about what he learned from McDonald's playland in disciplining children. He had a phrase that spoke to the adult in me! Do you obey quickly, sweetly, and completely? Oh, that is one thing we never outgrow! All through our lives, we have choices. Do we do it God's way or our way? But, it does not stop there... it is how we obey - how we do it God's way!

I feel a moving in my heart to make God smile. This is a best way to do so...

So what do I do when He asks me to wait? arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! I am sooooo lame. I trudge through muddled thoughts, cry myself to sleep only to wake with a cry-hangover, and devise self-plans that go awry. Why can't I just stop striving and let Him? A better question is what would happen if I stopped striving, stopped trudging through the past, stopped crying myself to sleep, and stop with the question and answers over what I cannot get back or change? What would happen if I started enjoying my alone journey and put my hand in His?

Not only would He be smiling, but so would I!

obedience

the table test ...

I have to admit that I am quite a misfit and carry a tad bit of anger about boys and the games they play on us girls. I would really like to get over this because I think it is the next thing I am to learn about the relationships between the sexes. I don't think I will get much of an audience or much of a conversation calling it boy games. Plus, it isn't the kind of language to use if I really want to get this.

I moved my mind back to what I believe relationships are and then maybe I can make a better map as I move out. I believe relationships are best pictured as tables. A relationship is whatever you bring to the table. Yes, you maybe hiding things under the table or you just might be hiding out on fancy chocolate in your cupboard and there is no way you will be sharing at the table, but you can only work with what is brought to the table. So they bring junk food or toxic food, it does not mean you sit down to eat it. You choose to get up and not partake.

I will not use aloof or running away when it comes to guys and their advances. I will say that you must test them on everything they say. Make them toe the line and do not let them get away with anything. If they say they are going to do something like call or txt or email etc, let them do it. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE pursue it. If they fail, they fail and you move on. If they engage, you can and should engage back especially if you like them. Always go about it as a test. You deserve to be treated as a beauty that God has made because you are. That means they should respect you and not play with your heart.

Being a beauty, you should be treated with pure thought and pure motive. That means you should never allow him to talk to you in a sexual matter. Be strict. Any little crass talk or even wanting a photo can lead you right through the mud. This is trash and you do not eat trash. Be as pure as you can be.

In my past I was criticized for being too aloof. I did not know how to change. I think it most helpful and would have kept me more safe and strong in my faith if someone could have discribed how to handle boys with a table picture. You cannot hold guys at arms length. You do have to some interaction and yes, there will be missteps and heartbreak. It might even take years and a ton to tests to find the him, but hey, I deserve the best after all this is a life time commitment for me. One. Not two or three. Not settling here.

A parting picture: He is the cook and the picnic packer. You are the invited. See what he has brought. This dinner you can be as picky as you like. Be very observant. He is telling you about himself with what he is offering to you or hiding from you. Is he looking out for your happiness, your health, and your passions/dreams? This is a table test. Test everything and hold to what is good... I Thessalonians 5:21

joy vs sad

Of late I have had a mental discussion with myself over which has top importance in a believer's life, love or joy. I know love is the first commandment but I think it fails when I put it into my life. To me Joy is key to my love. How can I love with out the energy of Joy that seems to give me to keep going?

Today listening to Ravi he made a statement that encouraged my thoughts. He said that Joy is fundamental in a believer's life as sadness is fundatental to an unbeliever's life. How true!!!!

In my teens and twenties I was a mess. I had sadness even though I was saved around the age of 5. I was not in love with God and I was struggling to have Joy. Until God reached down into my life and set me back, I would have never known how Joy can change my life. It is the one thing that really drawns out my concern in saved loved ones who struggle with their sadness.

See, when the world looks at a believer they should know them as being and having an unexplainable happiness. Being a believer and knowing you should be a happy lot and you just don't feel it makes it real difficult to grow.

Joy is a lesson between you and God and it is about enjoying as well. You will have to figure it out but when you do, your life will no longer be the same.

The first step is stop striving and letting God free in your life. Second step is letting go and enjoying God and His Handiwork whether it is His creations or His work in your life.... Next steps are His to write out in your story...