monthly thoughts of 2009

Jan: Romanced by an Everlasting Love - Jer 31:3
Feb: Faithful & True - Rev 19:11
Mar: StrongMan - Matthew 12:29
Apr: Sovereign
May: Provider - JEHOVAH-JIREH = the Lord shall provide
Jun: Perfect Love - 1 John 4:18
Jul: my Shepherd - Ps 23
Aug: Shield & Defender
Sep: Love that will not let me go - ♫ O Love ♫
Oct: First & Last - Isa 44:6
Nov: Fullness of Joy - Ps 16:11
Dec: Gift Giver

This year's theme was about God's romance for me and I found that His Names are like pet names or love names. I was hoping to focus all my love desires on Jesus so I wouldn't be so mucked up with being single. I have spent about twenty five years studying how to be a good wife, have a good marriage, and figuring out the male species. I have come up empty handed. Now if I find myself still single at 80 and some little old man wants to sweep me off my feet and marry me, FORGET IT. Nada. Never. If you couldn't make me a honest woman when I was young and I spent all my days fending for myself, you don't get me. I know that is the future and I really don't know how I will feel but here at 40, I am feeling both. I want companionship but I am so sick of what I am finding that no I don't want to get married.

Why is it that I am a responsible woman cleaning up my life and working out my issues and GROWING when a man seems to think that he can be a couch potato in full out hibernation till hell freezes over when it comes to his relationships and his spiritual life? Look, I cannot nor will I try to change a man but to sit back and see that a man zonk out, run away, or shut out issues that bite him on the nose is ludicrous! Give it up to the Heavenly Father already! Man cannot change himself but to runaway isn't working. Seek God and He will always be there. I know, the soapbox is out and I am shouting away. A raving mad old maid here. Laugh away. Low point here. {sighs} Just a question that has boiled over and is burning the bottom of the pot.

I think I need to stay here and focus on my romance with my Heavenly Father as my heart is broken and scarred. It still needs the Hands of the Master Physician to heal up my wounds. I did not feel this way all year. Crochet amigurumies has insulated my heart but for some reason it is huge right now. Maybe because someone tried to set me up and my heart went into attack mode. They had my well being in mind but even so it messed up the seemingly calm waters. So because I am having issues, 2010 is following 2009 with a Elizabeth Elliott's quote "Our disappointments are God appointments." I am seeking to use my disappointments for God. When I seek Him, He always find me.... saving me from myself!

Happy New Year ... 2009

I was rereading a portion of 'Captivating' and realized that I need to let God romance me more. I have delighted in Him but when it comes to my aloneness and my heart, I fail to let Him heal and fill it up. No wonder I am often questioning what He is doing. So I think this year's theme will be about being Romanced by an Everlasting Love - Jer 31:3.

Funny, I think aloneness should be a word but every time I spell check, the dictionary questions it. Maybe I should substitute the oneness that it offers as it is what I am trying to do with my aloneness...

maybe I am planning my midlife crisis!!!

I still have joy and I still have my lows but I have this feeling of being void or numb. I am always close to tears and feeling like I am stuck on this mouse wheel going no where. I've been looking back over my very dull year and wondering where the real highs were. There is no romance, no stimulating mind convos, no healthy social stimuli, and my passions seemed grounded upable to fly.

There I am willing myself not to cry as I have my head buried in my bed looking over my past and wondering about the future. Today leaving work I was crying. I am glad to have my job and I know every job has it bad sides but I am on this wheel and I can't get off! I would rather be at home being creative. I have got to stop waiting for someone to do life with. I also got to do something or I will be knocking on death's door with a boring life attached to my backside. I want morrrrre.

So as I was searching through what I call my life, I stumbled upon this quote: Live the life you imagined. Maybe there is something to this. So as I close out this year, I will be seeking to really live in 2008.

What is do I imagine for me? Do you really want to jump into my dark mind?

Here is a list of beginnings that I really need to follow through...
*writer - get back to being a poet, practise my story telling, really begin that book
*painter - step beyond the HT books and find my own style
*a creative - allow this child to really play in every part of my life
*organizer - let lose and really hone my home to be sleek and cozy too
*walker, dancer, 'weighter' - to feel good inside my body
*crackfiller - to be generous with my love
*joyful - training every part of me to seek Joy and be Joyful above all else

a date with God...

Swindoll has been talking about developing decipline in devotion to God. Quite fitting after I realized that I didn't make a theme this year and the last couple weeks I have realized that this year is about seeking God. Rule #1 - You cannot change people. So you work on yourself, right? But looking more intently at time in my life where depression had been a label put on me. I realized then as I realize now that telling someone in a deflated state to be happy find that they cannot. I believe that the only change that comes to you is when you begin to seek God. He begins to take you on a path and when you look back, you only see the former self. You have changed though seeking!

You start by asking for something deep - something for the soul. God hears. Then begin to listen for His Voice. He has always been speaking through His Word and it is always filling. Now once upon a time in the near past, I felt that the Bible wasn't exciting to me like it should be and I am a word person to boot. Today I am blown away by how excited I am about how the Word has touched so deep that now I understand how it is Forever! Everything shall pass away but not the Word (Luke 21:19). This all started when I started putting verses that touched me on 3x5 cards. I carry these cards with me everywhere in attempts to hide His Word in my heart.

Swindoll has 4 guidelines in decipling your heart in an intimate relationship with God. They are simplicity, silence, solitude, and surrender. The core is being alone with God. Just you and Him and of course, you better be seeking. He meets you and embraces you. You have nothing to fear.

I look at myself and I need to up my ante. I do spend a lot of time talking to Him. I do think I spend a lot of time on my gratitude for what He has done for me and in me. I declare God-Victory and declare His Attributes. All good but I do need to put some structure into a set Quiet Time with Him. A date so to speak!

'06 theme: the year of the Gift

2006 was the year I had name for learning and putting more beauty in my life. When I do this, I am asking God for His teachings. But to my surprise God had other plans. He did not have beauty in my teachings but rather teachings about Gifts, the kind of Gifts He gives and how I hold them with hands open but receiving.

I first learned about NOEL and how this name in modern translation means 'precious gift'. Even though I tried to express the importance of this beautiful name to a handsome person (no word back), this definition was really for me. This dear name is everywhere at Christmas and I even have a permanent reminder in my home, so I cannot get away from going directly to prayer of thanksgiving for the God-Given Gifts everywhere in my life and the missing Precious Gift.

Because of this Precious Gift handsome person touched my life by accusing me of not being 'rudie nudie', I learned a year later a gift of ridding myself of the 'fat suit'. So really a gift is good when it ends that the gift keeps giving good in your life!

Well, in honesty by learning about gifts and getting rid of my fat suite, I have allowed an invitation for Beauty to come into my soul...