A couple years ago I was confiding in my good friend how frustrated I was with a friendship that bit the dust. He had a ditty about friendship seasons. I was not happy about it then especially sense he has disappeared and I am not happy about it now nor will I ever be.
Why am I so vehemently against friendships lasting a season? Aren’t we setting up every friendship we make to failing when we say ‘oh well, season has ended’? I am not so stupid to think all friends will stay in my life for ever. I have lived long enough to understand that people will move away physically or take a different job etc.
I believe we should see friends as ‘friendlies’ that will move in and out of our lives and that there is great potential for you to continue to have them as your friends for the long haul. The only time you should discard friendships is if they are doing you harm whether it is physical abuse or mental abuse or emotional abuse or sabotaging your faith.
Friendships have a flow and a pace much like the four seasons which by the way are continual year after year. Life does not stop. Spring holds that right in my face. The tree right out side my bedroom window has buds - proof that leaves are coming. The crocus and daffodils have popped up from the ground. Everything once ‘dead’ – really are just sleeping and resting up – is alive! So too should our notion of friendship like seasons be a continual. Hmmm, holding on instead of letting go….???
Yes, friendships have problems like pet peeves, slow times, boredom, stress, frustrations, telling others how to act or think, disrespect, different views … ok the list could go on and on. Too often when trying to fix the problem, we ask ‘why did this happen?’ Then we go through it and through it and over it and over it repeatedly. I say my beef and then you say why it happened and then say your beef and I say why it happened and I say my beef …. Over and over. Then the apologies begin. We repeat our apologies with each new beef especially if we are really trying to be good believers. This is all past and regurgitated so many times that no wonder friendships end. It is not about fixing the problem rather it is time to go forward.
Mapping it forward begins with what we first loved in each other and then to a solution. What has your friendship-on-the-rocks contributed in your life? Here are some focused questions: What is their story? What do you enjoy about them and their story? What are the ‘sames’ that hold you two together? I know without a doubt that differences make us unique and often make a relationship richer and stronger, but in a time of difficulty focusing on what makes us different will only keep us in the past and damage the connections further.
Answering these questions for yourself takes you out of the past hurt and moves you to present day. Now is the time to map it forward. Here are some thinking questions: How motivated are you to resolving this? Do you have a plan for making another attempt? What do you want to achieve? What are you noticing about your thinking? Would it be worth turning your insights into habits? Do you know what to do to turn this into a habit? Are you clear about what to do next?
I have been understanding that my strong friendship feeling had been sabotaged by some important break ups recently. I have had it. If a pattern develops, maybe I should just let go and go a different route. What I love about God is that He will keep nudging me, helping me to think this through even when I don’t want to.
I love my brain. I love thinking. I love insights. I love making new habits to do better in my life. I love how I feel strongly about things like the power of forever and deep relationships. I hate fighting. I hate debate. I hate others telling me what to do and I hate it immensely when others call me bossy. Yes, bossy means that I slipped up and was giving advice somewhere. Sometimes it is sooooo easy to do especially when someone is complaining or frustrated over some problem. I tend to make suggestions only to give support when it really is giving them unwanted advice.
God in His Wisdom had this book on the library shelf. I saw it there before and this time I decided I should try it. It is called “Quiet Leadership” - ‘Help people think better – don’t tell them what to do!’ by David Rock. This book has been speaking my language. It has proven my own theory that brains think in ‘maps’. It shows you how to think, how to listen, how to speak, how to allow insights, and how to make habits. It shows you how focusing on the problem is really staying in the past. It shows you how to think solutions and mapping forward to keep yourself in the present and on into the future!!! Hip Hip Horray! I knew it all along in my gut but had no real proof or direction to stand tall in this area. There is so much info here I am about ready to explode! I am super excited as I have mentally exercised some problem solving. I am ready to be strong and believe in depth. I am ready to focus on the present with a broken friendship. I am even going to learn to say what I really mean instead of beating around the bush in order not offend others. It is not about changing others. It is about nurturing my thoughts, my listening, my speech, and my habits to make them pleasing to God and to be more at peace with myself and others.
I feel as though I came back to the place in my heart where relationships are powerful and deep. It is affirming what I had once believed. No more missteps. I am ready to begin again. I know the future will test me with inattention and seek to devalue the depth. The enemy is a thief but he will no longer steal what is precious to me – authentic potent relationships. My focus is on their story and what I enjoy about them. I am excited!!!
Disclaimer: I am making strong statements and I have work to do on this area. But I am strengthening my thoughts and hope to get a better grasp of my friends and this friend path I am on. I have an action plan that I want to bring and offer to a friendship once ended ...
No comments:
Post a Comment