my thank yous '08

* sparrows * My work life has been in much turmoil and there has been a lot of changes. I had a very small windowless office where I could work quietly and listen to BBN. Here I could feed my soul on God and do a good job. Now I share a bigger office with a window. I hated the commits of how do I rate and wow, you are lucky to have a window. Those things are not important. Rather a quiet and team spirit work space is what I want. Then the sparrows began to gather in the afternoons reminding me that God cares for me. * pears * Dad has one pear tree that gave a ton of fruit this year. I have been making pear sauce and pear butter. Love it because this is something I can eat. * God's Word * I have fallen more in love with His Word. Whenever I am struggling or even in good times, there is such comfort in His Words. * the boys * The fury boys! My PUPINATORS! Tink has joined Bobby and Andy and even though he is the one boy out, it has been successful for him to be at home with my parents and the boys. Tink knows he is loved and even with his barking when someone leaves, he is a joy. * Friday shopping w/ my Mom * I cherish these times with my Mom. I could not do without. She is a great Mom and a great friend. * my parents * I love them both and this year I have seen my Dad blossom with enjoying what he has done. This turns into respect for guys and it has been great fun to see it in him. Dad has gone Fireproof with Mom and I. I totally dig it. We might even go see Australia w/ Dad in tow. I love spending time with them both. * my bros & their fams * I am an Aunt thanks to my bros. It is fun to see them as fathers and it is cool to see myself/ family traits in their children. I love it when my bros talk about God. It is encouragement to know they are on a God-Journey. * my job * Even though this job is about numbers and I am about words, I have used my patterns and organization to really take on my job. There are changes that are suggested to come to past. Not happy that my hard work to make my job fast and efficient will be overlooked - I made my job easier once and I can do it again. I am trying to take what I have learned from making my job work for me and translate it to my creative home and dream job. * God * He has proven Himself over and over again. I am precious (Isa 43) to Him. Love that...

Ps 147:1
Praise the Lord!
For it is good to sing praises to our God;
for it is pleasant,
and praise is beautiful.

2 bros ...

I learned a good thing about one bro and a worrisome thing about the other. We had a birthday celebration going on last Sunday and while the others where in the back with the grandchildren, I started a conversation with little bro. I am so hungry for depth and meaningful conversation and in the past little bro has been a good ally. Not so much these days as his life has taken off in other directions and there is no need for a big sis butting into his biz. The conversation did get a bit heated because it got into politics and he was all up in this book by John Grisham and CONSPIRACY THEORIES. He probably thinks I am heated over the fact that he didn't vote but I can't do anything about that. What really makes me livid is that he let some CONSPIRACY THEORY effect his decision or lack of decision making skills. I spent the last 8 years in prayer and turmoil over negative media reports to know that if I give into that negative depressive mostly wrong garbage that I have let the enemy in. I have the control to shut out this trash. I have been on this kick this year that God has never ever stated in His Love Letter to us that we should be depressed, discouraged, deflated, indecisive, afraid, or timid. Instead He has repeated over and over in word and story that we are NOT to be afraid but to be encouraged or of good courage or not to be afraid. Sunday night listening to Joyce Meyer, I got the verse to top this line of thought. II Timothy 1:7 states ''for God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power, love, and SOUND MIND.'' WooooWeeeee, I spent the next two days on my little soap box a shouting!!! Just need some amens... I wanted to restart this discussion with little bro. He made mention that he had asked for direction from God and didn't get it. This is worrisome because what was he listening for? Did he want his gut pacified? And where was he listening for God? Did he read the Bible until he found the encouragement he needed?

Middle bro walked into the conversation and little bro had left the room. Middle bro began to share that his preacher was talking about the power of prayer and the need for it to surround the President. I told bro that GWB probably had the biggest prayer support than any other president. Bro said yes, but when the war and all the negative media began, the prayer warriors got fickle and stopped and so did the help surrounding GWB. We don't pay attention to the powers of darkness because our eyes are veiled. Wait till we get to Heaven and God shows us the prayer (light) and the powers of darkness. We will be filled with shame and sadness that we where not stronger. God wants us to pray and He uses our prayer to destroy the evil. We have more 'prayerpower' then we know.

I was disappointed and standing on a soap box for one bro while the other bro encouraged me by his disclosure about prayer. He says he prays on his way to work every day and that he was convicted to change his praying from his want list to prayers that effect his world.

Q's
How much time do you spend praying? Isn't our relationship with God a relationship? Doesn't a relationship require two people talking? Doesn't prayer mean our talking to God? Doesn't reading the Bible mean it is God talking to us? Does your prayer time out weigh your Bible reading? At the very least shouldn't your Bible reading equal time with your prayer? Are you listening for God to speak to you? Shouldn't you be listening to God's voice via the WORD?

Are You not ...?

I always love a good outline for a letter. Letters are important way to communicate. You are alone with your thoughts and you are forming thought into words and trying to reach out. Prayer is like letter. Ravi pointed out that Johoshaphat's prayer took on a form and questioned what we would put into our letter/prayer to God.

~II Chronicles 20:1-30 for your own read~

Dear God,
Are You not _____________?
Did You not _____________?
Will You not _____________?
from me.

I love having something to chew on and this really makes you think and seek out God in His Word. It makes you look at the Great Stories of Promise and Blessing and pull them into your life. It is 'talking back' the Word. It is putting your faith on the line and then seeing God work His way in your life.

love's experience ...

There she is going through the motions of her day with old cds playing in the background of love found and love lost. Questions start piling up. Do boys really fall in love where they can't live without their girl? Do boys get messed up over love lost? She watches a tv show only for the relationship of the boy and the girl who are married. They have such a lovely relationship. This week showed more intensely the boy's side of love. Tears where streaming down the girl's face as she watched the pain the boy was going through and how he didn't want to leave his girl. Can boys really feel this way? Then there are those love lost songs that boys sing. Her favorite singers are boys. She loves the male voice. And when they belt out a song that is ripping their hearts out over some girl, she wonders if this is really true for them to feel this way. Guys write this stuff, don't they? They sing it and if they are convincing wouldn't they feel it deeply? Can boys really feel this way?

Sadly, this girl's heart has been broken a long bit ago and clearly hasn't found a way to believe again. She is angered by this yet she can't let go of what was. There was no reason, no closure, no understanding. Over and over again she has asked for Ultimate Wisdom and still feels the need to hold on ... for a return or for closure.

She has a lot of good memories and none bad except the vanishing. She can't enjoy the good memories but rejection hurts so badly. Funny thing is that she holds on the experience because it is her way of relating to connection and marriage in her way. She feels that longing and desire and the only way for her to have and to hold is to use this a little bit of experience and live it. She isn't living in the past but using the experience to relate to her now. What would she do in this situation? See, she is empathic - always living in other's shoes. She is a feeler. Having this experience of once upon a time, she lives singles and married of sorts. It is that caring for a man bit that she harbors. If a boy won't let her, she will still do it...

So maybe that is why closure hasn't come to her and maybe in her little heart of hers, closure would be shutting the door leaving her to fend for herself in the single world again where she really feels like a fish without a bowl.

{sighs}

stuffed cabbage ...

Feeling under the weather and not liking it a bit, I am trying anything natural to get over this. I so do not want to make a trip into the doc for this. It would be the second time this year if I do. What really makes me mad is that I don't get sick very often and this blows my very good record. I swear it is the bosses at work that get this powerful bug and pass it along to me.

My colds effect my throat because for some reason it goes down the back of my mouth instead of draining through the nose. However, it both ways this time. I lost my voice in May and I am well on my this time. I went into the ugly cough today. It is a cough that I can't stop and then it goes into the upchucking mode. It isn't good when I go to church with this. Last May I am trying to stifle the cough and I pulled a muscle on my right side and it is still there because it gets uncomfortable to lay on that side. Oh well!

I heard Bonnie Hunt say something about onions or onion soup - I think it was her and I think it was onions! It is suppose to help with the cold. Well, I have dumped a ton of them on my food tonight. I do feel much better than last night.

I got home early today and decided to make stuffed cabbage since I can't have stuffed peppers. It took a bit of time to make them but they are in the crock pot for tomorrow. I hope they turn out well. I did add pear to the meat mixture and barley instead of the forbidden rice. Martha said to use a granny smith apple but I have pears and more pears so what would be the difference? It just adds a bit of sweetness to it.

I am trying to take care of me! I want to feel better this weekend because I have pears and washing to do among other things like writing!

like protecting...

The Protector

You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.
Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.
You are an excellent listener with almost infinite patience.
You have complex feelings, and you take great care to express them.

In love, you see relationships as an opportunity to connect and grow.
You enjoy relationships when they are improving and changing. You can't stand stagnation.

At work, you stay motivated and happy... as long as you are working toward a dream you support.
You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

How you see yourself: Hardworking, ethical, and helpful

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Manipulative, weak, and unstable

Hmm, interesting. I see this as true about me but the shocker is the last statement! I could see people having the notion that I might be stuck up so I have resorted to telling them that I am thinking when I am quiet and the eyes take on an intensity that looks like anger but is only way deep in thought. Manipulative? I go my own way and think my own thoughts so much so that stubborn is more descriptive. Unstable? Wow! I have begin to say that I need time to think but unstable? I am emotional and a feeler. So maybe then but I am pretty much set in my thoughts even though I might weigh other thoughts.... oops, maybe that is showing instability! lol

Pretty interesting test!

family taboo ...

I have been having some debate with myself about my personality and what I should do about this alone existence that I seem to have but I am finding that it runs in the family. It is just me though that has to deal with it alone while other members of my family have mates and families of their own.

Going to the funeral of my Dad's cousin helped shed some light onto this sentry-on-the-out-skirts of type of feeling my mother and I have voiced aloud to each other. My Dad and his cousin have some Kenny Roger looks so you know they are related but our families never got together unless it is a funeral. I remember my mother telling me when I was going to junior high that I would be meeting a girl my age with the same last name as mine. (My last name is uniquely spelled and not common.). Mom said there was some taboo in the family and that our families didn't get together to do things. She never said that I couldn't be friends either. However, this girl ran a bit hard and was in the popular group. I was always aware of her but she never seemed to be aware of me until standing beside each other in line practicing our graduation walk where she remarked that it was funny that we didn't meet until then. A year latter I got an obituary of her death from my mom while I was at college. She was an only child and when I got back home to see her grave site, you could tell her parents where not taking it well. I have always felt bad around them that she was gone while I was still here. In recent years as my grandpa, grandma, and grandpa's brothers including my Dad's cousin's father died, the mom would always make feel ok though we never spoke about her girl.

Mom called and told me that Dad's cousin had died of stomach cancer on Tuesday. I knew I needed to go. Mom warned me that she felt left out at the visitation. When we went to the funeral, it felt weird to hear about the cousin's faith. The burial was super short and even though we were invited back for the meal, Dad asked Mom if it was right to skip it! I was very surprised at his struggle to go or not. We didn't go and I ventured to ask questions about the past. Dad opened up and explained why there has been so much taboo.

Back when my grandparents were first married, my grandpa had to serve in WWII even though he was a conscientious objector. He worked for the government in the states so while he was away, his brother which would be the cousin's father would tell my grandma what to do and would write letters to my grandpa telling of her misdeeds. While Dad is telling us this, I am thinking that my grandma was very stubborn that I am surprised that she didn't tell him off but our family does not speak out loud much rather they keep it in and deal with in more quiet ways. Anyways Dad said because of this, it was like Dad's family was ostracized from the rest. He remembers his grandfather always talking about the other grandsons but his grandfather never took any interest in him. He does remember going to his grandparents for Easter because he could remember his grandmother making lamb cookies with raisin eyes but never ever went to his grandparents for his birthday. My Dad remembers that his dad would go to see his mom but my grandma would not go. Just thinking about this makes me livid and sad.

Wow, no wonder why my family feels so isolated. We just don't fit in with the games people play. We can't win so why deal with it? If you like us and want to be a friend, we have open arms but we won't demand friendship or loyalty. We want to feel safe just like the rest. We want to contribute just like the rest. We want to be valued just like the rest. We want a little attention just like the rest - well, maybe a smidge less but a bit all the same. We are friendly just not game players. We are quiet and more one on one and we do feel a bit out of water when in loud and group situations. We definitely do not bite.

So if I get to see the wife of the cousin out and about alone, I will do just like she said and go up to her and say that I appreciated her and her husband that they were so very tight together and it hard to find marriages these days that stick together... I have worried about how she would handle his going home and I continue to worry. At the very least I have prayer. I will continue to be the sentry - keeper of moments and to bear witness...

Godly meditation vs earthly meditation

Again on the radio (bnn), a contrast was given on meditation. It was clear and precise. Now I won't be timid in my admitting to meditation! So here it goes:

earthly meditation = emptying the mind.

Godly Meditation = filling the mind.

Need proof?
What to fill the mind with?

Jos 1:8
This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.

Ps 1:2
But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.

Ps 63:6
When I remember Thee upon my bed, and meditate on Thee in the night watches.

Ps 77:12
I will meditate also of all Thy work, and talk of Thy doings.

Ps 119:15
I will meditate in Thy precepts, and have respect unto Thy ways.

Ps 143:5
I remember the days of old; I meditate on all Thy works; I muse on the work of Thy hands.

Fireproof

Finally, I am going to jot down a few notes about this movie which I would rate a 10. However, when it first started I was a little worried about the acting. It might come off as an act and not real but that soon disappeared as the movie began to take you in. I must say it was well written. There was moments of sitting on the edge of your seat. I could have done without the yelling but it was needed and real in most marriages but there was some comic relief. I totally dug the salt and pepper theme. *wink* Sorry, not telling you any more about salt and pepper. Go see and find out. Oh, there where some twists and turns where you were thinking one thing and the movie took a turn like the who paid for the equipment and who actually did the love dare on who! Love that!

I love reading and I love movies. Being an English major, I like themes or motifs because it connects the movie or book together making it flow well and it can take us English nuts deeper. The movie did it and it was flowed well.

I appreciated how this was written because this isn't just a movie for Christians but a movie for the world. I have been saying that marriage is the last frontier - a place to bear witness to Jesus Christ making a difference in your life that the outside world might just start asking you how you do it.

A little side note:
I get so mad at the 'world' for wanting to marry same sex partners. I think why do they even want this concept especially because it was created by God. They are already slapping God in the face so why even want marriage. I probably lost you here but I know what I mean just having trouble putting in words.. Then I was listening to this radio guy who said that God didn't create marriage for the believers but for mankind! He gave the example that John the Baptist lost his head because accused the king of misusing marriage. I was taken aback a bit. I had not thought it like that. It kind of messes up my thoughts. But I guess defiling marriage is just one more way of defiling God and the beauty He created.

Back to the movie-
The one chew toy I took with me was that the heart is easily deceived and that you must lead the heart. Isn't it a Bible verse? But seeing it, hit home with me.

My favorite character was Cameron's father! I think it was the soothing voice and the weathered christian who had been there and done that. He was someone who had this quiet strength...

A funny thing my mother commented on was it was interesting to see Kirk grown up! I said Mom, he is about my age! I didn't think he aged any. He looks like Kirk - not a kid but a young guy. Some middle aged peeps look their age and some of us don't! Oh dear!

Anyways, excellent movie and there is the 'Love Dare' book out there if you want to spice up the marriage God's way...

my HOPE ...

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

Refrain

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

Refrain

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

Refrain

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

Refrain

Isaiah 51:12
I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you to be afraid of mortal man?

Jer 17:5-8
This is what the Lord says: Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands, he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where there no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out roots by the stream. It does not fear when the heat comes, its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.

Ps 105:4-5
Look to the Lord and His Strength;
Seek His Face always.
Remember the Wonders He has done,
His Miracles and the judgements He pronounced,

1 Peter 3:13-16
Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. 'Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened.' But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the HOPE that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.

reading vs praying

In my growing faith I find that reading the Bible has given me more peace and strength than praying has ever done. Even talking back the Word against oppression and depression or whatever the evil one starts chucking my way has given me a quiet courage that praying never could do for me. Now don't start wagging the finger at me just yet. Prayer is very important but the question to why prayer might not be bringing me to the peace and joy is key to understanding what is wrong and making changes.

My prayers especially at night bring me to tears and I am so tired of crying. It is the requests that I am bringing and probably my personality isn't helping matters. When I am doing what I think is right but the results are showing that I am wrong, I crumble. I am one of those types that no response is a negative response and negative responses defeat me where a good word or affirmation will make me bend over backwards to do more and to be better. My personality trait is highly melancholy and even though I have had a JOY breakthrough, it is hard work to keep going. I must say though that tenacity that runs deep in me and tends to out weigh melancholy's hold on me. Nevertheless, I am so tired of crying.

I have started to change the way I pray and I hope to make it a very deep habit. I have prayed the Word. When I have one of those no responses that come in the form of people not sharing, I use whatever passage I am chewing on and pray that for the person. When I have one of those no responses that come in the form of a God-Mystery where I know He is never silent but rather I can't see or hear because of the veil, I search out solace from the Word and then in turn pray it. I think this is the key to praying.

I still have a long way to turning to this kind of praying first instead of crying pray. Again, God never calls us to be discouraged or afraid! He has repeatedly said to NOT BE AFRAID and to BE OF GOOD COURAGE. His Word is full of pictures and stories of how to live this day and age out with our heads held high. "My eyes are ever on the Lord, for He shall pluck my feet out of the net.'' Ps 25:15

election consolation ...

More notes I jotted down from Steven Davies:

1. Be a good citizen.
2. The church can still thrive under bad or evil government. ie: Church in China
3. The church can still influence the world under limited to no freedoms.
4. We are not commanded to change immoral behavior but to shine.
ie: A lighthouse never calmed a storm!

I find great comfort in these words but especially about the concept of the lighthouse. It totally floored me but with it came peace and comfort. There are also two passages that I have discovered tonight in my search for God in all of this. Try I Timothy 2 and Romans 13 on for size. I found it a bit uncomfortable because there is a certain government official in my home state that has been really a burr in my side. I am not thankful for him and when I tried to pray I really had to keep focus... I a lot of work to do to be a better prayer warrior.

war in Iraq, ok?

Hmmmm, check this out! the right thing to do?

Be very leery of the media and the agendas they are pushing! They are as bad and maybe worst than hollywood!

redeem vs reform ...

I have been listening to Steven Davies and he is talking about our allegiance. Here is my notes:

1. Believers are not suppose to reform government but to redeem it.
2. Our hope is in the city of God not the city of man.
3. God's Purpose = be ambassadors of God.
4. We are not to save America but Americans.
5. ''I will build my church and the gates of hell cannot prevail against her.''
6. Glorify God & advance the Gospel of Christ.

We do have the liberties to vote, pay taxes, & to take the census.

I do love my country for what the founding fathers have given to us and strived to achieve. America was created to as a safe haven for worship of the One True God as well as allowing others to choose their choices and to self govern. It saddens me as I see the decline and my heart has been lead of God to have a strong allegiance to the Kingdom than here. It doesn't mean that I will give up on America.

I really like the word 'redeem'. One verse that brings me great comfort is 'Redeem the time for the end is near.' Now to the meaning of redeem, I always ask myself or question God for the meaning. So here is what I got - redeem is basically putting good out there. Take the fruit of the Spirit as a great place to start we all need more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

A personal way for me to redeem is to encourage. There is way too many negative words and especially in the season negative ads. 'Scoffers have set the city aflame, but wise men turn away wrath.' Proverbs 29:8 As I wrote this haunting verse down, I was making it singular in my mind but it is plural! I will be doing my bit on encouraging (got to get my 'be encouraged' letter to GWB written) but will you? Is there someone in the Family that is oppressed and needs a pleasant word? What about the others without the Peace we know? Is our actions showing them that we are restless and lacking courage? Are we in the Word and feasting on God's Promises? I know that when I am 'talking back the Word', I feel much better. When I forget and get overwhelmed, I am not redeeming.

Redeeming is expressing our allegiance to the God we serve and the Kingdom.