feelings vs Holy Spirit ...

God is teaching and I am listening. I don't have it yet. It is like it is a new flower to me never seen before and it is budding. I never really put a placement on my feelings. I feel them. Some come on in a surprise and some are just plain good. In my younger days most were dark and even violent. Yes, this quiet girl could have an inward heat of anger to a raging boil. I may have kept it inside but it was there. I am older and wiser. My feelings are mostly good. Anger isn't a major player. The dark brooding thoughts are sedated my God's Joy. I am in a good place so it is interesting that now is the time God is showing me something **NEW** about feelings. Maybe it is the finishing marks...

I don't know how the full bloom of this lesson flower will turn out, but the little bud has something to do with the choice of letting our feelings rage or forsaking the feelings for the Holy Spirit indwelling. It is an opposite. Do I live in my fleshly feelings or do I let the Holy Spirit take hold of me and produce the fruit of the Spirit in my life? Interesting thought!

Funny - I have a 3x5 white note card from about 5 years ago where I wrote down some scripture on feelings. So maybe I have been wanting God to speak to me on this and now is the time because I am ready to get it!!!! I tingle at the thought!!!! I love the learning but hate the fencing, the tempering ....!

.:3x5 white note card reads:.

Titus 3:2
'to slander no one; to be peaceable;
to be full of courtesy; to walk humbly.'

~walk in the Spirit - not in your emotions & feelings~

Gal 5:16-22
"Be controlled by the Holy Spirit.
The fruit will result in love, joy, peace,
patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness, self control."

Col 3:12
"As God chosen people, holy & dearly loved,
clothe yourself w/ compassion, kindness,
humility, gentleness & patience."

floating in my toy boat ...

I've been in a real funky place. I know who I am and I am ok with with where I am even though it is not the place of my dreams I'm not really sad even though it is ever so close. I'm not angry but frustration is ever near. It is hard to describe because I am for the most part happy.

I just thought of the best picture to describe this muck. Oh yeah, I am still using dial-up because of the cost of DSL and all the other high priced options. However, the speed is sooooooo slow! I have all these tabs open which of course doesn't help but I wait and wait for pages to open up so when one opens I read while I wait for others. I search a lot for my craft and I want to blog and then sites act up... so on and so on.... I don't work with my favorite picture sites because the time it takes is unreal! Now try searching for DSL and it laughable.

This is how I feel in my real life. I have this passionate creative side that is being pulled and slowed down my day job and by feelings of not having enough time to create and take care of my home. My mind thinks and daydreams at work of things to create and make or write about but when I get home the tick of the clock is loud and fast. I know I am doing much more with my time than I did before I learned to crochet but it doesn't smooth over this need for my creative side to shine.

I know it just isn't about my passion but about just little old me. I have these emotions that come from inside. I know this is normal because I am a woman but this isn't that emotion that comes in cycles. This emotion seems to have settle in now that the 40's are here. I'm just NOT having it! However, I know if I power through it than I will be having major issues. So I will not bark up that tree! I would rather get into a toy boat and just float down this patch of river with ease and style. I shall take this as a new adventure!

Last week I was really having a time of the blues. I took Matthew 12:29-30 to prayer. I sent Jesus Christ to answer the front door when the evil one's harsh and persistent knocking was too much for me. I stayed hidden away from view reading the passages of God's great care and design for me. Psalms 139 is a great place to start. I then pulled the covers up over my head and fell asleep instead of crying! Now that was a God-Victory!!!

depending on God vs depression ...

Hmmm, it seems I do have a very important choice. When the blues or grey clouds invade my mind like now, I can fall into despair & depression or I can depend on God. Yes, I know I need to renew the mind and I do but what a battle. I still walk in the dark for a while until the sun begins to appear. Yet at times, I feel I am just glossing over and it is just right under the surface only to rear up quicker.

I could try to figure out where the feelings are coming from but that is old hat. Food, loneliness, messed up plans .. I think all selfish motives if I am going to be really honest at the end of the day. I will keep going into training the brain and rereading God's Love Letter especially the tear stained ones about His Great Love for me. I will busy my hands at creating new things and give them away. I will train myself at reaching out ... instead of decompressing...

I could get my soapbox out but I am going to put it away. However, I will keep the soap out and suds away the dirty windows... I do have a lot of nice gifts in the form of family and pups. I have some neglected gifts that I need to bring out and put in the display like old friendships ... kinda scary because Mom says it is like tennis you have to put the ball in the other court so the other can volley... I do put that ball in the other court but I am always waiting for the return... Maybe I need a new picture to understand the game because I don't get it. Then I have some talent that I have no clue what I am suppose to do with it. I have an overflow of glass unwanted and maybe my amigurumi will begin to fall into the unwanted category as well. Ok, better turn the car around ... I also have some gifts like teaching and encouragement that I am not sure what to do with ...

Well, I better go get busy instead of mopping {{lopsided smile}}

Oh, I got fireworks tonight to enjoy! Must take my patriotic music to enjoy with!!! See, I do have great blessings in my life to count and delight in... offf I go to unwrap!

reading vs praying

In my growing faith I find that reading the Bible has given me more peace and strength than praying has ever done. Even talking back the Word against oppression and depression or whatever the evil one starts chucking my way has given me a quiet courage that praying never could do for me. Now don't start wagging the finger at me just yet. Prayer is very important but the question to why prayer might not be bringing me to the peace and joy is key to understanding what is wrong and making changes.

My prayers especially at night bring me to tears and I am so tired of crying. It is the requests that I am bringing and probably my personality isn't helping matters. When I am doing what I think is right but the results are showing that I am wrong, I crumble. I am one of those types that no response is a negative response and negative responses defeat me where a good word or affirmation will make me bend over backwards to do more and to be better. My personality trait is highly melancholy and even though I have had a JOY breakthrough, it is hard work to keep going. I must say though that tenacity that runs deep in me and tends to out weigh melancholy's hold on me. Nevertheless, I am so tired of crying.

I have started to change the way I pray and I hope to make it a very deep habit. I have prayed the Word. When I have one of those no responses that come in the form of people not sharing, I use whatever passage I am chewing on and pray that for the person. When I have one of those no responses that come in the form of a God-Mystery where I know He is never silent but rather I can't see or hear because of the veil, I search out solace from the Word and then in turn pray it. I think this is the key to praying.

I still have a long way to turning to this kind of praying first instead of crying pray. Again, God never calls us to be discouraged or afraid! He has repeatedly said to NOT BE AFRAID and to BE OF GOOD COURAGE. His Word is full of pictures and stories of how to live this day and age out with our heads held high. "My eyes are ever on the Lord, for He shall pluck my feet out of the net.'' Ps 25:15

minimal ...

On Sunday I began to feel like a nothing. I have been under some major stress and feel that I have to knock out interferences in life in order for my potential to make a good performance. I have decided that when the little things at work or even at home come in my way that I will jump in and do what they ask with my game face on so they don't know it is bothering me and so that I don't let my bad attitude take hold. Now that I have done this I feel like I am taking everything with a whatever mode so that I don't behave badly.

What is really shaking me up is that I had a notion that I need to scrape out everything thing I do and start over. What? Yeah, I believe with all my heart that I cannot change the core of who I am. I tried it and it doesn't work so why is this coming to me now?

I feel isolated. Some of it is because of me. I do not go with the crowd. I am quiet. I don't force myself onto others. I hate it when others live outside their box and splatter their behavior all over me. I over think. I am tenacious. Dad calls me stubborn. I see things differently then others do. I abhor people telling me what to do. I loathe the disrespect shown when people tell you how to feel or what to think.

I feel isolated and this one thing I cannot control it. My food allergies make me more remote than I already feel. It can take on the ultimate form of not listening. It can even take on disrespect towards my feelings. I really have to watch this as this happens with those I love. Then there is work where I have to say yes or no to a luncheon. I have to ask about the food. I don't like doing that and because I was raised to eat everything on the plate -no complaints. Then I get an answer that didn't even go with my question! So, I am leaning towards just saying no rather then asking again. The last time I a guy co-worker wanted to know my answer. I asked what they were serving. He wouldn't tell me so I said no. I didn't give him the reason. It is a big tado over nothing every time I talk about all 36 food allergies. Why should everyone know when all they can say is I couldn't do it and then isolate me. Do you think this is fun? (I think I should develop a comic routine on my food allergies. Maybe a little humor will lighten me up!)

You know it just isn't working for me anymore. The payoff is lousy. So what can I do? Have a personality-change?

to disturb a mind ...

I love the movies because I get to get inside a story visually. I love the nuances you can pick up on by the demeanor of the character as well as from his clothes or walk. I love certain actors who can get a character so well that you see the character and not the actor. I get chills when I hear how my favorite actors get into their characters. It is so down right scary how deep they go into and how hard it is to come out of it a.k.a. Joaquin Phoenix when he portrayed Johnny Cash in Walk the Line. I love deep but with deep comes the fine line of dark and keeping from falling into the dark dark blackness... I am deep and have had a very tiny piece of dark. I have grown up around men who are deep and have had a piece of dark- hopefully not as dark as dark can get....

As I have pondered over why actors take on very dark roles, I realized that they do so because we all are human and the tale we all tell is about the good and the dark. They take on these dark roles and we the listeners to these tales begin to feel for the characters. An actor can NOT do his character justice without being able to empathize. That hits very close to me. I feel that I empathize well with others around me and it can leave me in a very bad place where I become less of me and my nerve endings become exposed...

It is sooooo distressing and upsetting to hear the news about Heath Ledger. I loved the Patriot, the Knight's tale, and yes, the 10 Things I hate about you. I heared that he was doing the Joker in the next Batman where he really went to the dark side and to find out that he had been doing some really dark characters.... I get this panic fear inside.

I have had my spell of dark and it was only a little bit then God showed me great Joy. I have been scared straight and scared senseless when loved ones around me begin to tip... Our minds can travel at the speed of light and often in may different directions at once but when you begin to focus in on dark, you can go too far and either fall off by accident or so far out there you can't get back.

We have to condition the mind. Whatever is true, noble, just, pure, lovely, good report, virteous, praiseworthy - THINK ON THESE THINGS. (proverbs 4:8) We must say when.

I am soo sorry and sooo disturbed. My heart goes out to Heath and his family. Empathy is a great gift and a scary one too. Empathy is very much needed in a hurting and broken world. I feel empathy and know it is a gift but I don't know very much on how to use it... I am still learning.... Maybe the lesson here is that human life is fragile and only God can hold all of us together...

Heath, you were a great story teller and had a great smile that reached your eyes.

messed up ...

Depression.

Wheeeee, I have been having some really funky emotions lately. I can't pinpoint the reason. My happy should be up with all the fish and fish oil I consume. My Joy should be up because I am more in love with God than ever before and ever thought possible. So what is up? Ragweed? The pre-M word?

Once again someone had to jump to the conclusion about the d-word.

Proverbs 12:25 says "Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad."

I must admit I am starving for a good word. My main love tank has been on empty for a long time. People are really getting on my nerves because they cannot follow through on their word! Oh, how we can change the world with good word. I saw it with my own father. I saw the anxiety starting to mount and I gathered family to say some good words. It worked! Not everyone partook of this experiment, but for those of us that did, it was good to see!

Proverbs 20: 3 says "It is honorable for a man to stop striving since any fool can start a quarrel."

Hmmmm, I was striving to get an answer to a question about work today. I felt the angst and quarrel begin to turn my insides out. No, I was not seeking to fight. I am just having a hard time trying to understand how the system works. I know I was having difficulty trying to phrase the question right, but I most definitely wasn't getting the answer I needed or thought I needed. I dropped the conversation and walked away with tears in my heart. What is wrong with me? Oh, I was striving and way too hard. The striving causes the angst and sparks a quarrel! Wow! I wondered at this proverb... Striving doesn't seem like a bad word... but it is very dangereous!

No wonder I am having deflated thoughts! NOOOOO it is not depression but if I don't get some of my love tanks filled...

Time to water.

Proverbs 11: 25 says "The generous soul will be made rich, and he who waters will also be watered."

.: formulas :.
depression = anxiety
interference = striving

performance = potential - interference/striving

good word ÷'s anxiety = glad heart