standing alone ...

When something happens a third time, I worry that I am not learning the lesson. I would much rather hear God on the Whisper and not the Roar!

I got a phone call from my good friend from high school. She is Vietnamese and she is always checking with me to see if she is getting her wires crossed between the Vietnamese, Asian, and American cultures. Her issue is that she stressed out over a 'friend' for not calling her when the 'friend' said she was to confirm plans. My friend felt that it was rude but wanted a second opinion. Maybe it was ok way to dodge not wanting to make a commitment to just say I'll call.

No, if you say you are going to do something, you better do it. You are only as good as your word is what I told her.

The real issue is here is how both of us stress over what others think of us. In trying to be nice to others, we fail to be nice to ourselves. She runs a bit hot and I run a bit cool. She stresses over the surface concerns and I stress more so over the deep stuff.

So maybe I shouldn't try to do things with others? I hated to admit this but it is true I told her. Give others a chance but if they fail to follow through, you next step is to go it alone! (ie: I refuse to miss a good movie if no one goes with me. I have been a big girl for a long time now. I am the one in the theatre sitting by herself.)

I guess what I am saying that I am not the only one feeling so alone. I thought maybe it was because I was single or maybe it is a family trait that needs to be broken. But my friend is married and feels alone when it comes to shopping or just hanging out. I look back at my mother as us kids where growing up and she had the same issues.

I am believing that the women circles you hear about (ya-ya-sisterhoods)is a total myth. If this is so, our world is missing out on a lot. If the women are becoming self absorbed without caring about the buddy system, no wonder our world is becoming more and more violent. The beauty is dying out.

So what am I worried about hearing on the Whisper and not the Roar? Three times my past has knocked on my door this weekend. Each time my past has presented me with someone else's perception. I know it isn't what I do in that moment but what I am taking from each knock. Is there something to learn? Or is this a test for me to work out my rudie nudie dash? Or maybe it is to reaffirm my stance on the fat suit problem?

Yup, having a personal menu drawn up and adhered to is very key in this present time. Time to refuse to be anything but solid in who you are and what you put into this world.

to keep / to throw out ...

I spent all day yesturday cleaning out Grandma's house keeping momentos and putting other things in either the trash pile, goodwill pile, or the auction pile. It is mentally tough. Going into this I didn't have the full story (which is a family communication problem). I thought it would be a few hours but no. So by the time 7pm came around I was tired and very hungry. I could bearing keep my eyes open but as my head hit the pillow, my eyes opened and my brain raced.

It was over thinking what to keep and what to let go in over drive. I even woke up early to these same thoughts. What is one to do when trying to keep things simple and yet hold on to keepers? I know I will need to have some major clean outs in my own home. And on the brain raced what to keep and what to throw out...

The auction is happening the weekend before Thanksgiving and as soon as the auction is through, my aunt will be heading out west to Arizona. She deserves a break and a new place to begin again. Yet, I can't help but feel weird. I really don't know how to explain it but like a dream happening to you and you wake up to find it is real. I do wish my Aunt well on this new journey. Yet, I wonder ...

I guess with the holidays fast approching, it really doesn't give the heart or the mind time to move through this at a simple pace.

gathering in Christmas ...

I was cruising through my favorite store and my heart moans happily as Christmas is stealing in the aisles. Glitz, glimmer, and shine come in pretty packages that tempt me with gathering...

My girlish heart at this time of year yearns to gather in loved ones around the hearth of home. While the weather promises a heap of snowflakes, I have dreams of smiling faces and warmth of love everywhere.

The notecards and gift bags with tall skinny man and woman in holiday fun of snowmen, packages, and wreaths just touched my holiday making spirit. Oh to really fill that one spot always left empty at the holidays has been and will always be my dreamwish ...

buddy system ...

I was viewing several scenarios where having a buddy makes life easier. They followed it up with 'you must be tied to someone to live.' Of course I am grabbing my soapbox and making mental notes. Come on! Am I the only one getting this? Am I the only one listening?

The buddy system is not for just for swimming or mountain climbing! It should be learned in kindergarten. Oh, wait! It is taught in kindergarten. I distinctly remembering holding hands in lines ups for the big things like fire drills and for not getting lost on a field trip! So why is it so hard for adults to adhere to the buddy rule?

The buddy system is made for the deep waters and the rough mountain climbs. Remember Life is a journey. No, not an easy one but it is adventeous. You are always to check in or check on your buddy just in case the water is too much or the terrain to steep. Life is deep waters and major tough terrain too. No, it is not made to go it alone! God has it built into our lives via family and marriage. Through out the Bible, there are countless 'be your brother's keeper' stories. It does make your life more bearable but it also keeps you from giving into temptation and from just plain giving up! Plus, connecting with a buddy during the lean times makes the relationship stronger and life more enjoyable!

You must be tied to a buddy to live!

thought of you the other day .. married?

"I thought that was you! How are you doing? Are you married yet?" An old male acquaintance from my days of working at a card and bookstore in the mall stopped me while I was making my Target run.

"Hi you. Doing well. No, not married. How are you doing?" Oh, good grief! Here we go again. What do you say about not being married?

"I was thinking about you the other day thinking you would have landed a man and be married with kids by now! Boyfriend?" He kept going!

"Nope."

"What is wrong with the guys out there?"

"Blind."

"Are you even out there looking?"

"Nope."

"Well, why not?"

"I don't know. Easier."

"Where are working?" The conversation moves to safer ground for me and we talk about work. But then it goes back to my the lack of a man in my life. So I asked ...

"How is your life?" No, not the exact wording here.

"I have an eight week old baby. A mid life crisis baby. I have a 15 year old girl and a 12 year old boy."

"Ahh, so the little one is the easiest for now."

"Yes!" (Ok, here it is... ) "Wow! I can't believe you aren't snatched up! If I was married, I would be all over you! Good to see you. Take care!"

What am I to feel after that conversation? Why is the past coming at me twice today? God? Am I suppose to be getting something here?

I have asked myself a million times why I don't have a man in my life. There is more to it than the boy friend and the husband part. No man has ever 'looked', pursued, and chose me. Meaning I have had no boyfriend or significant other in all my 30something years. So yeah, a big deal to sort out. So if I don't have a self-ward-shallow-hal syndrome ... then was it the fat suit...

WAIT .. I get it .. You, Heavenly Father, is testing my rudie nudie dash. No more thoughts about what I have done or haven't done to catch a mate. Just keep the focus on rudie nudie dash and know without a doubt that God has looked, pursued, and chose me!!!

busting invisible

busting invisible ...

I have the super human power of being invisible or so I thought. I just had another high school classmate come up to me and talk about the old days! Here I thought I was just a wallflower and no one took any notice. Wrong again! I am going to be checking the yearbook for this face. Being observant, I thought I was quite good at knowing a lot of the faces at school!

I know how to be invisible. So I am in unfamiliar territory when others me. Might be a good thing because I won't have many uncomfortable histories to own. Now I can work out of my new greeting surface and it is real. I am much more capable to engage others. Sure I was the shy girl but I have blossomed. Time for others to enjoy my bubbly.

Oh, I have to add here about my new surface. The girl who was covering my receptionist duties while I was on holiday said she had to be Keeper. She was making sure she was giving everyone who left for the day the salutation of 'have a good evening' and for Friday 'have a good weekend' like I do! To me that was a great compliment. I want those I greet to know that I take my salutations seriously. I truly have great joy in trying to make others smile...

hiding places ...

Dear Heavenly Hiding Place,
I have been listening to stories of King David. (love it!) Well, in reality the story is between the space of time where David was anointed to be king and when he actually became king. Here David is hiding out in caves for fear that King Saul would take his life.

You choose him. You anointed him. Your Presence was with him and no longer with King Saul. He was a great and proven warrior from killing the giant Goliath to slaying whole armies. In fact the women back home where singing of his might. But you wouldn’t know with him hiding out in the caves.

It can be argued that David was in hiding because He did not trust You to spare his life. But who would dare walk around the land if you where on every wanted poster? Did not David go into the inner chambers to soothe King Saul’s mind? Did not Saul even try to take his life while the music played? So I really wonder if You placed David (the king in waiting) in a hidden place.

This stuck me. My evening weeps are full of anguish and yes, doubts. I keep struggling to hold to Your Faithfulness. So if you put King David in hiding, have You placed me in a hiding place? I have sooooo much within my heart like love and joy yet I feel as if I am held back. I feel so small and useless. Everything that I once had at my disposal has been taken. What I do offer is discarded. My dreams and passions have my eyes focused on a bright place but darkness has covered my little flickering light beam. I am not wanting to hide in Your Sheltering Wings. I would rather get out there and do what my heart pants for. But all I am doing is whimpering in the dark.

I am encouraged by King David. I can look though his journal and see from the hiding places his despair to his longings and to the great words of his admiration of You. The hiding places taught him to dwell in You and feed on Your Faithfulness. His adventurous journey was surely full of mystery, but I can reflect upon this King David’s life and rejoice in You the King of kings and Your Divine Hiding Places.

Love You always,
me in a hiding place

first born + first born ...

I have often heard the wisdom of first borns and last borns making a good partnership in marriages. I see the balance in this and believe it true. My parents would be classic examples. So what if you choose a same birth order mate?

I have wondered about it but the thought was fleeting and on to the next reflection. After taking stock of a relationship I have had, I realized that for me a good match would be marrying a guy with similar birth order.

Why you ask? Well, I am a first born of two brothers and I have often longed to have an older brother. I get weary of always securing and protecting especially being on my own for so long. I know I will be the one called upon to keep the outer fringes of the family together. It has been asked of me already in some simple things and it is only natural for me to step up and serve. It is not a front and center type of job rather a more go-to girl. Another thing is that I am the last in line for family attention. There are always others with bigger and better dramas then me. Well, I rarely have any theatrics so I don’t even show up on the radar. Plus as the family has grown, the grandchildren have become the focal point. When I desire attention, it is just the simple and steady variety. No frills please. So there are my reasons I why a last born mate to always paying attention to and quell dramas would not be my first choice.

I feel for me that having a first born husband would be ideal. When I took stock of a relationship of mine, I saw how I enjoyed the older protection and lack of over dramatization. I felt that he too was tired of the dramas that his siblings had where he was called to be the shoulder. I think it is nice to be able to give another first born the attention and security they so long for but couldn't because they gave out and didn't receive it back. This is just some thoughts I have been having on first borns or maybe they are just thoughts about what type of person would provide the security I long for…

out of order / out of control

The computer/web world is spinning out of control. Right now is a stretch of time where web pages and sites are getting more elite and exclusive to higher operating systems. Today's battle cry is global warming. So what does this have to do with computer/web world becoming more exclusive? How many times do have you upgraded your mobile? Yup! I thought so. Consume, consume, consume. Throw out the old model get a new one. The computer/web world is the biggest offender to global warming and the consumption frenzy.

I would love to have iChat and iSight(or Skype)to make long distant phones calls obsolete. I would love to have my IM back. I would love to be able to visit sites without having my browser blank out on me. I would love to be able to just sit and blog with all the resources available to me to create well. But no ... can't have it simple.

I believe that the computers (add any other devices like mobiles and iPods) should have the capacity for growth with relatively low costs and less model/system change without being so exclusive. Stop with the beta stuff. Beta hadn't bothered me before because I understand the need to iron out the kinks. However, it just a way to limit. I believe taking your time and making it right for all is actually pride in your work. Play nice! Be responsible!

Or maybe I am just cranky because after finding an outlet for my writing, I am being limited because I don't have the latest and greatest. And after several years of having IM only to have it not work any more is causing me distress of over some friendships I kept maintained through it.

Or maybe I am cantankerous because I have had a small crisis with my music system for about 8 years now. I can't play my cd's but the radio works. Talk about throwing out while you still can get some good from it. I've thought about upgrading but one choice too many is making me nauseous. So add that to my list of inflated technology.

Or maybe I am punchy because I didn't get to bed on time because I was trying to figure out how to get my profile for this blog back while realizing to keep blogging I am going to have to use stupid firefox. Do I have some beef or what?

Then I am reminded to keep my life and home simple! Good Grief! This is going to be a challenge! (help!) Funny thing is that my brain (the best computer with a heart and God-Made)is working overtime coming up with avenues to remain connected and for keeping it effortless.

loss - a good thing ...

Power may be corrupting, but it is also addictive. But the truth is that sometimes a loss is just what is needed to regain a sense of purpose and energy.

Ahhh,the power struggle ... Always trying to keep the hands off the wheel yet move to what we can control...

Loss isn't our choice. Rather it is the Divine working in us. I know I cry out in pain and beat my chest in anger wondering why with my hard work and desire to love God more that I am discarded or placed in hiding. I need to see more clearly that the Divine is loving transforming my little ol heart and soul! Yes, it is all adventure and mystery. I must snuggle into His Chest and let His Everlasting Arms hold me as His Presence moves through my life...

keeper's menu ...

When given a restaurant’s menu, you discover what your experience at this place will be. From the appetizer to the main course to the drink that washes it down and oh yes, you cannot forget the dessert to top off great dining, you order up whatever you so wish to enjoy. You also will know if the restaurant requires shoes, a shirt or if they are a bit stuffier and require ‘the jacket’ in order to be served. I would like to purpose making a menu of sorts for your own personhood. By having a menu it allows you to bring yourself as equal partner into all your experiences no matter if they are professional or personal. It is making sure that your backbone is intact and able to be tenderly strong!

Coming out from my 600lb fat suit and all the other layers, I want to lay out my new wardrobe (rudie nudie) and diet (core values & personality). I no longer wish to live in the gray zone waffling between what my heart and soul says and what attention I wish for from others. No more secondhand stress overload. I want to see my real 8 year old girl-self. I don’t care if you like me because I must like me.

Here is Keeper’s Menu:

Appetizer – my surface
My surface needs to be in balance with my depth. If I am all shy, I will never be able to show my depth in all its richness. My surface is the warmth and joy that allows my depth to better empathize and connect with you. It allows you to see me the 8 year old.

Joy has been a huge epiphany for me. It has enabled me to move to what I can control instead of drowning in what I cannot. At the time JOY crashed into my world I was at a standstill and I desire to move. Joy became my positive action. I want to be a sunny face to others around me. It is like having a roaring fire in the hearth on a blistery cold day with a mug of blueberry tea warming my hands. It just makes me feel good. My monster smile is real and pleasurable.

Main Course – my depth
My depth needs to be in balance with my surface. If I am all bubbly, I would have no substance after all the bubbles burst. My depth is my core- full of strength and weaknesses but ever growing and passionate. It is my place of hunger and contentment. It is my energy field.

My heartbeat? ‘Be tender, be brave, and be me’. My standard? ‘Joyful, healthy, and strong wings’. Always embracing what is important. No more hiding out in my 600lb fat suit. Wanting to bring clarity to whom I strive to be, allowing expression of my fullness, a way to conduct myself with integrity.

Here I will hold to my core feelings and needs:
1)Joy completes me.
I will celebrating. I will Delight & Savor. I will trade in the chaos for the simple.
2)Balance / healthy
I will be full & be hungry. I will be content yet hungry to grow more Christlike.
Gives me enormous energy
3)Attention / Value (inflow)
I will be good to myself and myself will be good to others.
‘I will be were I am wanted & won’t be were I am not wanted’
No excuses. No grey. I will read only black & white.
True Love will not desert me.
4)Honor & Blessing (empathy)(outflow)
‘where my treasure is, there my heart will be’
I refuse to trade in the permanent for the immediate. Eternity is always my focus.
5)Engage Life (love)
I will not limit or isolate.
I will keep my hands off the wheel so as not to control my life but allow God to control.
I will move to what I can control like delighting, savoring, and declaring His Attributes.
6)Growth / Learning (invitation for God’s Touch on my life)
more not less, better not bitter
making my top 100 – no regrets plan
making yearly themes
7)Wings (inflow)
I will own my passions, my dreams, my gifts, my creativity, my painting, my writing
8)Want (outflow)
I will do what is important to me. I will hunger to be my fullest.
‘Movement is medicine.’
10)Tenacity
I am a fighter & nurturer for those people I love & their dreams.
I will be the flame not the moth.
come along side (enduring encourager)

This is the main course of where my feelings and needs lie. What I want for myself, I must be willing to give out. No more excuses for you or for me. I am bringing this to the table in all my professional and personal relationships. No more hiding my authentic me and no more simulating myself to others in hopes they see it differently. Making out my personal menu allows me to a space and confidence to make my rudie nudie dash.

Drink – my delight
My delight is the how I engage with God and with those around me. It hydrates my heart and soul to be the complete. It is the service of love. Delight surrounds my surface and my depth like a bubble.

Dessert – my fullness
My fullness is what I will enjoy. After working out the menu, I get to set back and enjoy the fullness of my being. Nothing is missing or fragmented. It is pure satisfaction.

So here is Keeper’s Menu.

If I fail to uphold these self-truths, my course of action is to peel off the 600lb fat suit by going back over the meal and ordering up the missing parts of my diet.

Note1: As I was writing this menu out, I kept having to backspace all the ‘I want you’s …’ and make this from what I want because (!!!!) it is not about you but about me! I must remember.

Note2: Gary Smalley suggests making a marriage constitution/ menu and a family constitution / menu to bring unity, clarity to what is important, and a standard for behavior. What a great idea! All the participants get involved in the making and even the discipline. (The discipline works so much better when the children are involved with how they should be disciplined because they are harder on themselves!)

From his suggestion I saw a great way to keep the fat suit off! I had to make this personal. I now have the right diet to make my rudie nudie dash.

from fat suit to rudie nudie

Flicka ...

I would rate this movie a 9.5. It is a great father and daughter must see. It is based on a the book ‘My Girl Flicka.’ (Flicka is a Swedish word for beautiful girl) Not sure why I didn’t read when I was a youngster. I would have related quite well with the conflict of spirits. I read Black Beauty and National Velvet so I love a good horse story. (I’ve been enjoying Barbaro’s real live story. Keep at it Barbaro!) Will have to make sure I read this book.

The best nugget from this story is mustang’s spirit. One of my favorite lines goes something like this ‘along side the cowboy’s footprint was a wild horses’ hoof print that won the west’. Just brilliant!

The story is wound around this wild spirit. (This ache of being fully your wild self without having to answer to a contrived standard.) The father couldn’t see that his own daughter was a wild spirit and would be the right one to carry on the horse farm. It took a wild mustang to carry this young wild girl into her fully wild womanhood. Having his daughter so near to death because she believed in a wild mustang, finally enabled him to take off his blinders so he could embrace his daughter’s force. He had so much love for her. It just was so hard for a young girl to see that love with such her own feistiness getting in the way. (Very typical for all daughters and fathers .. I know first hand { smiles })

I loved how they showed great parenting between mother and father. You could see the strong desire to make sure their children where secure and healthy in character. You don’t see great duo parenting in action much anymore.

It is truly a must see for those girls who are finding out who they are and for parents of young girls. Maybe there can be more of a connection made… and less broken spirits …

A shout out about the brother in the movie - an aussie.

Movie review : the guardian ...

can't see & walk by faith ...

'You cannot walk by faith and walk by sight. Just does not work that way. It has to be one or the other. ' To watch Jennifer Rothchild talk about her life and the book she wrote, you would not notice at all that she is blind. When she talked about this, it hit home with me.

All these times when I feel so blind, sure I quote the Word where He goes before me and walks with me and not to be discouraged (deut 31:8) but to finish off my doubt by settling in to my walk in faith is more light and strength. I can smile and be confident in God. He is my Sight... when I walk by faith...

gut beliefs ...

I have 'gut beliefs'. These beliefs I have questioned God on and amazingly He has proved them to me (only when I asked Him .. shoud have asked sooner!).

My conflict belief:
I don't like conflict but I feel that if you work it out together it helps make the relationship stronger. It is not a place where I want to win. What I want is a better connection. I've been reading Gary Smalley's book ''Making Love Lasts Forever'' and he confirms my belief that conflict opens the door to intimacy (ch 13). The key to making conflict work is getting to the core of the *feelings and *needs of both. With that in mind you both work towards a *win-win solution. (YES!! Perfect!)

ie: I had a student who I butted heads with but afterwards, the relationship worked out better. I was amazed at this young man's change of attitude! Looking back we both expressed feelings and needs. There was listening and reaching out. It was pretty cool feeling to make it work!

my fear of anger belief:
You can say that I am just a fraidycat. I hate anger. I hate it when someone raises their voice. I hate it when there is a fight especially when the physical get involved. See when it happens my insides melt and my mind shuts off and my tongue goes haywire. Why do I get so worked up? Plus, I have to admit that I have had my own angry moments. I know when anger gets me moving and when it can hurt me. But honestly there is a bigger issue here.

To look at my llj blog it seems that I am obsessed with anger of late. Yes, I admit it is true. Anger is the opposite of Love and of Joy. But the bigger truth is that anger is a killer of Love and of Joy. After seeing what anger can do to my journey and having such a life transforming Joy Epiphany, I am on my soapbox big time.

Again from Gary Smalley's ''Making Love Last Forever'' (ch 13), Gary has a very interesting study he refers to:

Studies of the family by Murray Straus have shown that individuals who vent their anger tend, over time, to produce more and more anger and to vent it more and more vigorously until they finally resort to physical violence... Venting anger almost invariably gets the other person angry too, and then you are going to need more and more anger to continue the fight.

Wow, just to vent? Wow, it really is important to get to the cause of anger...

no discipline feeds anger

personality vs privilege

apple bytes ...

More than depressed, I came out defeated! Instead of upgrading I have to buy a whole new system because if I want to update my system I have to scrounge through their refurbished items for memory etc. So I said what about adding a macmini? No, won't work with what I have.

While I was busy working and blogging and whatever else I do, the tech world has spun out of my own galaxy! I am at the point that if I want to expand, I must do something. All I can do at the moment is cry.

Cry because my ever expanding world has booted me right off the train. I have been working hard at engaging and taking on good stuff. Yes, I am not just taking about my apple now. Everywhere I turn I am booted right off...

on the red barn ...

Wooohooooo! The 'flag painter' made it ... It was his first actual red barn! What I got to see was great. I will share the link to the story but it doesn't have a good picture of it. the story

He has his own site as well. When there is a good picture I will share it.

painting flags

no more jarrahdale ...

I had to rescue the seeds from my one and only Jarrahdale. Sorry no pix. Moma in her hurray and oh so ear numbing cold was mowing the yard. Yup, ran over my only Jarrahdale! Yes, blue pumpkins are ORANGE on the insides much like their American cousins.

I went out to bring in the last two pumpkins and my heart sank when all that was left was a dirt patch were the Jarrahdale was resting. I looked and looked wondering where it was. See I was looking for a whole pumpkin not the pieces and guts. But then I saw parts and then the guts so there I was fishing through the cold and slimy grass for whole seeds. A lot of them are chewed up by nasty mower blades but I gathered up as many as I could. I do have some whole ones. So here's to next year .. may it be a better pumpkin growing season...

Love seeds .. they are want continues .. Thank You, Awesome Creator

note: the blueberry bushes came in the snailmail on Saturday!

mad chow : bad bad for us blue bumpkins

misses them ...

As the tree begins to terminate their own leaves, the wind catches the colored crispy fly aways and toss them about. They flutter, spin, dance, skip, twirl, and gather in piles...

It hit me thursday evening that I will be without my parents for a week. Sure I am a grown up or at least that is what the license in the wallet claims. But it doesn't say that I won't misssssss them ... ( a lot! ) You know? I am not the type that gets homesick! What is happening? tee hee... that is what happens when you grow up in singlehood...

I took the week off from work so that I can live out of two houses. I got yummy boys (pupinators) to love on and my parents kitchen has very little safe food for me. I started a list of things to take care of like getting my tonka toy serviced and take care of a little recall. I plan to get info on upgrading my apple which will depress me more. Hope I find a nice and patient apple-techie that will answer a ton of my questions. I probably won't be able to upgrade till the end of next year or maybe in '08! So be a nice Apple. Argh! Right now my IM isn't working because msn does not play nice with us apple geeks. (stomps my feet) I also hope to clean up my home here (llj blog). I am toying with upgrading it to beta. Just hope everything works. I must save my templete just incase. Parents pear tree has a ton of ready pears. Hope the freeze didn't ruin them. I want to try pear jam and a pear pie that is keeper friendly!!!! no flour or sugar!!!! So if there is a success, I hope you tap your wooden spoons and break into a culinary dance with me!!! Of course I will be painting up a storm of glass and hope to pen out a lot of my thoughts. A lot on my list! I better get moving ...

...the pupinators are probably quite hungry and worried with all the rush of bags and stuff... I hope they settle in with me and not worry over every noise. They have that internal time clock of when everything should happen. Oh, they shake and worry so!! I understand their worry 'but hey, come on your favorite sissi is here and you are warm and fed and loved ... muuahh muuahh'

snowflaking!

I had my first dusting of snow for the season today. Mr. Wind howled and howled quite ruthlessly. Sometimes it would snow fiercely but then the Sun would shine. Kinda early for this but I do welcome it to cleanse the air from bugs and pollen. I can't help but love snow. It isn't sticking around today but Winter has a month and a half yet. So until then I will enjoy today with my 'snow-dance' and a good snuggle with my warm blankets...

moment captured : blood orange draped in sleep

No discipline feeds anger ...

What if the violence we see in the schools or for that matter anywhere in the world is the lack of discipline or unloving punishment. When rules are thrown out the window, behavior begins to turn dark and ugly. Anger pushes out any love causing self-loathing. Selfish acts are committed from greed all the way to hateful violence. Remember anger is a secondary emotion and comes from loss. Our children have lost the self-discipline that teaches worth and builds their character. So when hurt and pain start attacking their soul, they have no way of climbing
out of this abyss.

Parents must honor loving boundaries in their home. And to supplement this self-discipline, parents need to be vigilant with their own anger as well as their child's. We are missing out on a great opportunity to develop in our child a way to get to the root cause of anger, release it, and hold onto LOVE..

where the anger is

from 'fat suit' to rudie nudie ...

(email from PreciousGift March ‘05)
Here's a word pic...

Keeper is an 8yo Keeper and is just out of the bath.
She realizes she hasn't got a towel... =0

What does she do???

She stands there, the hairs on the back of her neck prickling.
She looks at the door lock, and the door knob.
She hesitates.
She puts her ear to the door and listens... NO foot steps or voices... only her own breathing can she hear.
She looks at the door lock and the door knob again
She holds her breath.
She jams her leg and knee against the door.
She reaches up and grabs the door knob tightly... and .... turns it ever so slowly.
She unbolts the door quietly... not even a sound.
She hears the internal latch click to release the door.
She breathes again.
She listens... and removes her knee.
She pulls the door ajar to reveal the outside light of the hallway.
She peeks through the crack and looks for signs of movement.
She sees all is still and quiet.
She opens the door more... enough to push her head past the door.
She slowly moves her head around the corner of the door post.
She peeps and she peeks both left and right... quiet.. still.

She flings the door wide open and in a single motion dashes down the hall to the safety of her room.
She slams the door and feels the heaving of her chest as she realizes a victory!!!!!

A naked dash...
A rudie nudie dash... to safety!

(IM conversation over email just sent:)
pg: you ok? rudie girl
k: i didnt realize that i was hiding. You stated it and i see it. Have a ways to go but i am sooo much better than in those old days. i feel better at knowing and showing the real me .....
pg: I don't think you have a ways to go   i think you're there
k: ohhh coool!  i have done lots of growing .... and stretching .... letting the butterfly wings dry…
pg: i think by honoring your own thoughts you will empower yourself and become the woman Keeper was cut out to be ..

.. yes you have grown... but where have you grown?????  if you think about it... you are still the same girl you were at 8 years of age
k:  ahhh i see .....
pg:  you have just learnt to come out and expose yourself to the possible criticism of being someone you've always been. the ugly duckling story... we always try to fit into surroundings that are not our own.  they are other people's environments... we take them on because to us it seems safe...
k: yesssss .. i was more bold in my elementary years ... i saw myself go quiet ..... and now i am becoming more comfortable with the real me
pg: EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wooooooooooooooooooooo hoooooooooooooooooooooo!!! touch down! I love the little girl you were meant to be not the one you were told to be.
k: way cooool .... (speeeechlessssss)
pg:  i know i know, you want a hug now... good grief... women ((((((Keeper))))))
k: thank you .... I you have given me such praise ..

..did you ever see shallow hale?
pg: yep... loved it and hated it
k: here probably comes the 'fake me' ... i sometimes believe that i have self afflicted shallow hal belief
pg:  nope... I don't believe it .. from what you've told me of yourself... even if a guy were drop dead gorgeous... you get bored with him if he was self centered or dim... or withdraw from him if he had a critical nature.
k: true
pg: you ain’t shallow hal
k:  i mean that i look at myself .... seeing nothing wrong ..... yet .... nothing seems to come from it .... sooo i think maybe what i see is the 'thin ' me ... but I’m really the 'fat' me figuratively
pg: nope... again your thoughts betray the real you. the real you wonders why she hasn't been picked up by a guy... right?
k: your right
pg: so if i can't be how she looks... her mind says there must be something sinister or gross people see in me... right?
k: yup
pg:truth is that the sinister thing is created by Keeper... because people can see one Keeper... and the real Keeper is trying to shine trough. they get confused because they're not sure which Keeper to like
I know you're not really 600lb
   I know you are shy
   I know you have some wonderful thoughts
   I know you are a good person
   I know you are attractive to look at
   I know you are frightened to reveal the real you... because you've been criticized for a long time and it's my guess you've taken to self-criticism as a result
k: guilty
pg: but I wouldn't be here corresponding to a woman with no face for 4 years if I didn't think she was a genuinely, kind, thoughtful attractive woman
k: thank you for that
pg: now I'm getting all gooey
k: goooey looks goood on you!

I look back at that girl and realize she still didn’t get it! She got caught up with the nude word. She felt it meant that maybe she had been dishonest (holding back) with him and how could that be? She was the most honest with him than most relationships … No, it wasn’t about dishonestly rather it was how she had lost herself over the years.

What had happened with this girl was the vulnerable (nude part) was getting tired of being hurt. So to cope she would put on more layers. Once the turtleneck, gloves inside mittens, long sleeves, long pants, two pairs of wool socks made from Aussie sheep, high boots, and long thick winter coat, hat, and muffler stopped keeping her warm from the bite of the outside world, she resorted to putting on a ‘fat suit’. Yes, she put that ‘fat suit’ right on top of all the other layers!

In her twenties she had completely lost the 8 yo little girl she once was so she started fixing herself with self-help books which only added more fat in her fat suit. All those layers restricted her freedom and movement causing more fear and a whole lot of disappointment.

What caused this fear and wanting protection from hurt? It started out with her shy personality. Little words would add up that she just wasn’t good enough to be wanted or needed. Buck tooth beaver slander any chance of her to be beautiful to others. Even with teeth straightening didn’t work. Plus, add the thick glasses she now wore. The little girl felt so frightened around the boys that she feared looking or acting stupid in front of them. Never believed that she was smart, she had very average to below average grades to prove it. Nothing could knock this fear she had. It left her very mindful of just wanting some attention and safety from someone of the opposite sex.

Women in particular are caretakers and are to be beautiful. Little girls begin to lose themselves by trying so hard to be attractive to others. They like good attention. They want special attention. So they start trying to please everyone. That is when the layers begin. Through each decade loss mounts until all that is visible is this 600lb fat suit. There is no little girl. (men can lose themselves within fat suits too. But this girl is not qualified to answer in this area.

This email and IM conversation never left her mind. The dishonesty factor kept bothering her. Not until now after realizing her precious gift had disappeared (a year and a half later!) – again just another rejection and by her most favorite special person -, did she realize that again she had lost herself by wondering how he thought of her. Why is that she forgets that she is in a relationship with herself for life? Why is it that every time a new relationship comes along she steps down from herself? No more. This must stop. No more carrying around 600lbs of ‘fat suit’.

It is quite alright to be the joyful happy girl. What are girls made for but to be bubbly and sometimes a bit goofy? It is attractive! What does it matter that she shows her smarts especially to guys? Who cares if they think her stupid or smart? She has a title to her thoughts and her journey. Her questions are only for understanding. She only desires to live her best life to the fullest. What does it matter that she might dress up or wear some sparkle? She is a girly girl after all. What does it matter if there is a bit of tear leakage? She is a deep feeler. Then there is the fact that because she is a woman, her protective instincts kick in and like most women out in public on her own she averts her eyes.

From now on the fear will be confronted with this new epiphany. Is the fear coming from what others might think of her? Then so what! She will make her rudie nudie dash. Is the fear from rejection of her or her ability? Then so what! She will make her rudie nudie dash. Is the fear coming from ‘oh, it has never been done before’? Then so what! She will make her rudie nudie dash. Is the fear coming from her own desire to make her dreams come true? Then so what! She will make her rudie nudie dash. But if the fear is coming from her gut, then and only then will she put on a protective layer.

No longer will she hide under the 600lb fat suit. No longer will her spirit be restricted. If you don’t like her and you reject her, it will be painful but from now on her relationship with herself will be equal partners with her work life, with her dreams, with her family life, with her future mate, and with any other relationship along the way. If you don’t like it too bad!!! You will certainly miss out on her softness, her compassion, her empathy, her joy, her passions, her tenacity, her fight, her warm big brown eyes, her monster smile, her ‘alongsidedness’, her teamwork, her delight & savor, and her bigness wrapped in a small package.

rudie nudie / fat suit epiphany

bad bad for us blue bumpkins ...

They say it was a bad summer for the pumpkins (they are blaming global warming but our summer was uneventful). No wonder my blue pumpkins look like a motley crew! I left two on the vine. My poor lonely Jarrahdale won't be able to grow into a full size adult. Grrrr! I just hope I can get some seeds for both the Bush Babies and the Jarrahdale to try again next year.

Great news I just to share!!! Dad is getting some blueberry bushes!!! Woohoooo! I love blueberries!!! Most favorite food since I can't have chocolate anymore =0

mad chow : grape showers

I'm an aunt again!!!

She leaned over the pew. ''you still check your email?''

''yes''

''I left something there last night.'' Then there was a soft giggle from the family. Then she turned around again and said, ''I'm pregnant.''

The last time there was a baby announcement in our family was two summers ago .. The summer Grandfather H had passed away. I had some sadness because I wanted to see Great Grandfather with Great Grandson. What was really fascinating was how much like Great Grandfather Great Grandson looked. Little round head, big brown eyes, and a good amount of brown hair .. He had the definite good looking H qualities!! Yes, I am a proud aunt =)

With Grandma H passing away this summer, my thoughts wonder if there will be a Great Granddaughter looking much like Great Grandma. Again with a little sadness I would have wanted to see Great Grandmother with the newest bundle of joy coming to our family...

With Great Grandson looking so much like Great Grandfather it was like God calming our little hearts. He knows us deeply and He was simply saying He knitted our little form before our human family even thought of us ... and at the same time knitting us together in our family line.

One Niece, one Nephew, and a little 'niecornepharoo' coming!

Yippee*yea! (tee hee, I love making up new words!)

grandpa's oil can

spiritual exercise ...

Worship is a spiritual exercise not a physical exercise.
To incorporate all that I have been learning, I feel that in order to know if we are truly spiritually exercising we should ask ourselves if our worship has one or more of the five love languages expressed. Are our words affirming? Are we spending quality time in fellowship with God and others? Are we giving? Are we serving? Are we touching?

Thankfully it is not about how many times we raise our arms, shake our hips, how loud our stomps or our voice. It takes all that I have to focus my soul on Him and His Attributes that I don't have time for physical distractions.

Fellowship allows you to express yourself.
Yikes, I admit this is a struggle and because I struggle so much I have found peace and rest for my weary soul expressing here on my blog. This here has been my fellowship. Again I am still under construction...

Need to have personal worship and family worship.
If Worship is going to be a way of life, personal worship is what you do everyday. It is your walk and your talk....

Family worship guides your children and helps them to learn their expression of worship or rather their own love language and how they can love God.
my mental notes from listening to Robbie Zacheriah
transforming worship

In Jesus Name ...

I have often wondered about the end moments when death crashes into life. The violent death where you are looking straight into the killer's eyes. Where does the mind go? What comes from the heart? Does the Spirit kick in? I've known that there is power in the Name of Jesus. Prayers are often ended with this phrase. But take it from the mundame and put it to the flame.

I've heard the stories where it was uttered and the killer ran away believing there was another Person huge and protective with the 'victim'. So mind wonders to a little schoolroom where death crashed into life. A killer asking for prayers for him even with a heart so hate-filled and raging against God. No Protective Person or was there? Peace was in the room. No histeria.

In Jesus Name the human curtain reflective of the Light was pulled back. Taken so the Light fully could shine. Shine it has clear around the small corners of this world.

Some barbarians survive the night in the lion's den; others experience their darkest night and wake in eternity.

God would never choose for us safety at the cost of significance. God created you so that your life would count, not so you could count the days of your life.
~the Barbarian Way by Erwan Raphal Mcmanes

life, hope, & a dead relationship ...

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ..." (Ephesians 3: 17-18)

Are you in a relationship that you feel is over, a relationship that seems "dead?" Jesus would say to you that He has power over death. The love of God will bring life into that relationship and take it to an entirely new level. God's love can bring back to life what may seem dead to you.
~Joel Osteen

Dearest Great Lover,
Can my little old heart dare to hope for a dead relationship to be reborn? to live and blossom? to be better than before? It has been dead for a while now. No evidence of any green anywhere. Oh, to hope but not to get sad again for hoping... I believe I will take the dare. The wind has been full of Your Whispers. You make dead men live. Over and over again You have proven Your most Ultimate Grace. You reach out and touch and life begins to glow. It was not limited to just Jesus after the third day. It was given to us too. Oh, can my little old heart dare to hope for a dead dead dead relationship to live again? I will dare. My hand in Yours, I will dare. Wow! Thank You for the smile of hope etched in my heart.
~always your little girl

Kuyasa (sun rising) a symbol of hope ...

The language of drums, the native language of Xhosa (cosha), the English language with a thick accent was spoken tonight. Bright colors of green, purple, orange, and yellow against black dance upon the stage. I tried to grasp this culture wondering what these children where thinking of us, wondering what they were thinking of who they where and where their journey was taking them.

They beat their drums, stomped their feet, moved their arms, sang with gusto, and when they stopped, a couple of them smiled their biggest grin with white teeth beaming. They sang in their native tongue and shared in English. It was a very energic evening.

My mind still wonders .. always about their culture. These children have had one or both parents die of aids but they sang of their hope. I guess I wonder what my girl would say if we had a nice long talk about the stuff of life. I wonder what wisdom she would share with me.

trying to keep you ...
horizon international
kuyasa

where the anger is ...

Do you still feel hurt and cheated by how you were raised? Do you feel a little bit of anger for not getting what you so desperately needed and wanted from your parents? Does it pain you that you still long to have your parents approve of you though their touch? Do you shy away from having to visit with them? Do you feel hurt and let down when you do visit? Can you be honest that yes, there is still unresolved anger no matter how much you have tried to forget and move on?

Could it be that this bit of anger has held you back from the real love you wish to experience with a woman? Could it be possible that even though you love your children deeply there is still a part of you that could be there and love your children even more than you already do? Could it be that this unrest you have about your childhood and your parents could be the source of the underlying anger you have in your life? Could this be what your co-workers saw in you when they said you were an angry person?

I know you are not damaged from your divorce rather it felt like freedom. Can I switch it up a bit? Could it be that love is damaged in your eyes? Could this view of damaged love be the reason you see no hope of a good solid beautiful marriage in your future?

Could anger be the reason you feel unworthy of the fullness of God’s love that He has for you? Could it be the reason you don’t understand the Fatherly aspect of love? Could it be the reason you feel incapable of truly loving another with all of your being? Could it be that anger is the reason you pull yourself away from others? If you keep them at bay, you won’t feel angst or hurt?

I don’t see you as an angry person because you have shared your dreams, wishes, hopes, and laughter with me. To be fully naked you still carry the unrest you have shared with me from your childhood. I also see the greatness you can become. I see who you are as a fuller version of yourself. I see the calm and the assurance that is yours to possess. Anger is a secondary emotion. It comes from loss. What did you lose? You lost the approval and value that comes from a parent touching their young. Instead there is this hole of rejection. It feels like your parents recoiled from your mere presence. The only touch you receive was in a negative form. You deserve loving touch…

You are an angry person?
Yes, I am and I hope you don’t see it anymore. I was an angry person.

What caused your anger?
My anger came from the loneliness I have always felt from my childhood and into adulthood. It did not come from my parents. No, they are not perfect just like other parents and as you grow up, you see the strengths and weakness they had but the overriding gift they gave me was love. Where anger is love cannot be. Loneliness caused this ache inside to feel accepted and value among my peers. I longed for a childhood best friend like I read in my books (Little Women & Anne of Green Gables). I have a fiery passionate streak and I learned to hold it back so that I would not be laughed at. I had buck teeth and buck tooth beaver was a name they used to call me. It was like my own skin betrayed me. Even my shyness was looked at in a negative way and further isolated me. I struggle with my speech where my brain thinks faster than my tongue. I frustrate myself when what I truly mean is taken the wrong way. Anger comes to a boil even now when I am mistreated in the very way I would get into trouble if I acted out in that way.

Are you surprised that you are an angry person?
Yes, because I honest have no reason to be angry or at least that is how I felt and still feel. When I look back at the years where I was in a deflated state, I would never have guessed that loneliness was causing anger to eat away at my soul. I can honestly say I was actively working on myself. I felt like I was growing yet I did have this feeling of emptiness like there was something more and maybe I wasn’t as broken as everyone else claimed.

What was it that you had lost?
I lost the value others can provide you. I didn’t matter to anyone. What I did manage to get out of my mouth, wasn’t taken as intelligent. I am a major thinker and to have your thought process disregarded really stings. So what could I offer to others? The message was not much at all.

How did you release the anger?
Well, I didn’t make it happen rather God took away a job that was completely destroying my very heart and soul. I just didn’t know it at the time. I wanted to leave but you just don’t quit your bread and butter. I had to make the choice of looking into His Face or get caught up in the drowning seas.

I learned the process of actively turning my face into His. This was a physical process that I needed to go through so I could keep this lesson and never fall back. I wanted this Joy. It was a do or die situation. God is the only One who can make dead people live.

How did you get back what you lost?
In the deepest part of me I knew God valued me. I also had a deep sense that God created us to matter. He made man a helpmate because He did not want him to be alone. He placed us in family as His Ultimate plan. Jesus was made a baby to live and grow up in a family. Salvation is a rebirth into His Family. God is a Father and shows us Fatherly Love. Throughout Scripture (butterfly effect) we are told that we are our brother’s keeper. It began with Cain and Abel and on into the NT as loving our neighbors as well as our enemies.

Humans are so frail. They are going to disappoint me but God won’t. Sure He wants us to serve others with love, but He wants us to make sure that our love ultimately comes from Him. O Love that wilt not let me go! How amazing to find what I thought was taken from me.

If you aren’t an angry person, do you still get angry? If so how do you cope?
Oh yes, I still get angry. My words still fumble on my tongue. I still feel lonely, but God has been a Faithful Teacher and I am committed to not forgetting what I have learned. I still go through my Joy process (declaring His Attributes, declaring Victory, delighting & savoring) and I keep engaging my world. It soon passes because I am rich in God’s love. I matter enough for Him to die in my place so that I might live.

what is anger? what is depression

blood orange draped in sleep ...

The western sky was black with white lightening splintering the sky. Heavy torrents of rain pelted everything in its way. But the eastern sky continued on course for a beautiful sunrise upon the sleepy wet earth. Blood orange ball of fiery sun peeked over the horizon draped in a lazy heavy blue cloud much like waking from a deep slumber. It was a moment of both darkness and early light in full battle of who would keep the day. You aren't suppose to have a full sunrise and major rain in the same moment. It was a beautiful contrast. Who won the day? The dark rain, but the glimmer of sunrise won my heart. What beauty! What an Awesome Creator!

moment captured : twinkle rock

love languages of God ...

I read this book with tears welling up in my eyes. I was discovering for the first time how I could truly love God back! I have known my love language was Words of Affirmation for many years. Plus, I was overjoyed when I found out my favorite Bible character’s (King David) love language was the same as my own! It’s like discovering new respect for an old love.

I know of someone whose love language is touch and his favorite Bible character is Saul/Paul. I struggle with liking Paul so it was hard for me to understand until now. Paul’s love language is touch and it has given me more respect for Paul and for this person. Maybe it is awe of how God works our love language in our lives. More tears!

I have aggressively been working my words out here on my blog and even in my prayer life. I have used Scripture to help my soul rest. Amazing how I have fallen deeper and deeper in love with my God. My heart bubbles up a joy that can be seen on my face. It isn’t such a struggle anymore. I still have and will have major hurdles in my journey, but my feet feel light and my mind feels healthy. Much easier to love others when I am head over heels in love with the Great Shephard.

Why do some people claim to experience God’s love very deeply, while others feels so distant from God that they are unsure God even exists?

Love is not a solo experience. Love requires both a lover and a responder.

If God is a divine lover, why do not all of His creatures feel His love?

The tragedy is that people who choose not to love are never happy people. Their lack of love hurts not only the other person, but it atrophies their own souls. People who refuse to love live on the edge of desperation.

The craving for love is our deepest emotional need whether we are children or adults. If we feel loved by the significant people in our lives, the world looks bright, and we are free to develop our interests and make a positive contribution in the world. But if our love tank is empty and we do not feel loved by the significant people in our lives, then the world begins to look dark and this darkness will be reflected in our behavior.

The opposite of connection is abandonment. The opposite of acceptance is rejection, and the opposite of nurture is abuse – physical, verbal, mental.

It is my premise that the love languages observed in human relationships are a reflection of Divine Love. If man is indeed made in the image of God, then we would expect to find all 5 love languages express in the character and nature of God. It is also my premise that God speaks all 5 love languages fluently and that people tend to be attracted to God most deeply when they sense that God is speaking their primary love language.

I realized that not only does God speak our primary love language to show His Love to us, but we speak our primary love language in showing our love to God.

‘’I have learned that God is love, and love wants to be loved. That is why He made us with His Attributes, and so gave us the power to love and to hate, the power to choose between good and evil and say ‘I will or I will not.’ .. So He breathed into man the breath of life, and man became a living soul. I believe … that God wanted a creature so like Himself that He could always be in fellowship with man.’’ – R.G. LeTourneau

Words of Affirmation
*All of the Words from God affirm man’s worth
*From the beginning to end, the Bible pictures a loving God who declares His Love by speaking words of truth, comfort, and redemption.
*ie:
Martin Luther – ‘’A Mighty Fortress is Our God’’
King David – primary vehicle of expressing his love to God was words of praise, thanksgiving, and adoration. David saw all of God’s Words – law, ordinances, commandments, precepts, testimonies, statutes, and judgments – as being expression of who God is. He took them as ultimate truth, as certain as God Himself. He based his life on the words of God. As best we can determine, David wrote 73 of the Psalms found in the Bible. Many of them are expressions of praise and thanksgiving to God. His words are some of the most emotional literature in the Bible. David clearly expressed his devotion to God through words of affirmation.

Quality Time
*The idea that the Eternal God desires to spend quality time with His creatures is one of the unique aspects of the Christian faith. The gods who have been created by the ingenuity of man’s mind have always been gods who are far removed from man’s daily life.

*ie:
Jesus did not attempt to make His ministry as board as possible but rather as deep as possible. He wanted these 12 (disciples) to experience His Love at the deepest possible level.

*OT scriptures picture God as spending quality time with Adam and Eve. In the cool of the evening, they walked and talked together in the Garden of Eden. It was only after the Fall that Adam and Eve hid themselves from God, knowing they had violated His Love.

*George Mueller (should read his journals)
History is full of individuals whose primary love language was quality time and who expressed their love to God by spending what to others would have been inordinate amounts of time in prayer, Scripture reading, meditation, and undistracted attention on God.

For George, quality time with God was the center of his life. It was on these occasions that he sensed deeply the presence and peace of God without this quality time, he experienced a sense of distance between God and himself.

When one’s primary love language is quality time, uninterrupted times of communication with God are not difficult but joyous, not burdensome but burden lifting.

*C. Austin Miles – ‘I Come to the Garden Alone’

Gifts
*The theme of God as the Giver of Gifts run deeply through the channels of Hebrew and Christian history. To these individuals for whom gift-giving is the primary love language, this aspect of God’s nature has been extremely compelling.

*The message of Jesus is clear. One of the ways of expressing our love to God is by giving gifts to those who need them. – I never feel more joy than when I am giving to others. I feel like this is why God has given to me, and it is the way I can express my love to Him.

*John 3:16

*’’Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, Who does not change like shifting shadows.’’

*The word ‘gift’ come from the Greek word ‘charis,’ which means ‘unmerited favor.’ God’s gifts are never given because we deserve them; they are given as expressions of His Love for us. Thus, our gifts to others are not based upon the person’s performance or what the individual has done for us, but rather flow form our love for the person.

Acts of Service
*The perception of God as the One who acts was so central to Jewish thought that one of the names they attributed to God was Elohim, the All Powerful One.

*Mother Teresa – (for her, serving people was loving God)
‘’ … we should NOT serve the poor like they were Jesus; we should serve the poor because they ARE Jesus. … To me, Jesus is the Life I want to live, the Light I want to reflect, the Way to the Father, the Love I want to express, the Joy I want to share, the Peace I want to sow around me.’’

*Jesus
-died for us
-preparing a place for us
-used His acts of service as evidence of the truthfulness of His claims

*For all who examine the life of Jesus, He becomes a fork in the road of Life. To those who choose the path of submission – who will bow the knee, submit the heart, and arise to walk humbly as His servants, many will testify that what ultimately won their hearts was His Love expressed by miraculous acts of service and His sacrificial, voluntary death to pay the penalty for their sins.

Physical Touch
*relatively sure that those who wept had experienced the love of God most deeply by a conscious awareness of the presence of the Living God, He touched them and they felt His warm embrace. Feeling deeply loved by God, they reciprocated with … flowing tears.

*ie:
God wrestling with Jacob
Moses’ radiant face when God gave him the 10 Commandments
Jesus’ healing
Saul/Paul
-his conversion
-will see him beaten, and often threatened by death, nothing dampened the spirit of this man who had been touched by God

*they will work in hospitals, giving baths, and wiping fevered brows –in rescue missions, kneeling beside the homeless with an arm draped around the shoulder of a needy person –will serve as greeters.

Q’s
*The most natural way for you to experience and express love towards God is by speaking your primary language.
1) How do I most often express my love to God?
2) What do I most often complain to God about?
3) What do I request of God most often?

New Dialects of Love
*variety stimulates the mind .. It is easier to keep the mind active if you change the routine.

Ideas:
WORDS –
*thanksgiving *declare His Attributes *praise *giving blessing & honor *blogging *journaling *prayer

QT –
*Bible study *walking & praying

GIFTS –
*$$$ *supplying physical needs *giving encouraging words *repeating God’s words *prayer *food *giving of your craft

SERVICE –
*cooking *building *maintenance

TOUCH –
*prayer with touch *reading the Bible with touch *hugs (in Senior Centers, Homeless Shelters, Abuse Refuge, Hospitals, Orphan or Baby wards etc)

When Love Seems Distant
*1st, we are most likely to rebel against the discipline of God when our spiritual love tank is empty. If we do not feel God’s love, then His discipline may seem to be extremely harsh. 2nd, when God’s method of discipline relates directly to our primary love language, it strikes us as the deepest possible level.

*Righteousness & Peace must never be separated.

*Peace – ‘to be at one with’ is at the heart of man’s desire

*In Scripture, healing is never based on man’s power to believe but rest solidly in the hands of the Sovereign God who chooses to heal or not to heal, always choosing for our good and the good of others.

When Love Prevails
*Justice is love built into structures

*To love is to seek the well-being of another. Because man is mad in the image of God & God’s nature is characterized by love, something in the heart of a person will say, yes to love.

*We come to God as individuals, but once the God-Connection is made, He places us into His Family. For the rest of our lives and throughout eternity, we are never again alone. We belong to each other.

*Expressing love using your primary love language will come easy for you. Learning to speak the other four love languages may take time and effort. However, we must remember that we are simple channels of His Love. ‘’God has poured out His Love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.’’
fr: The Love Languages of God by Gary Chapman

I do feel more at one with God and with myself. I have a deep desire to learn other’s love languages and learn to speak them more fluently. Super excited here. It is like having a new pair of specs. Everything is more clear and bright.

transforming worship ...

Are you relevant to God or is God relevant to you?
A question that we get messed up every time. Of course you are relavant to God. You matter most to Him. But is God relevant to you? You must ask this every moment you breathe. When you do your life will begin to transform...

God is here to make dead men live.
Too often we mess it up with God is here to make good men of bad. This is wrong thinking. Our choice to be good, but God can only transform the dead into a living breathing life. With this new life the only way is good ...

Worship is a way of a transformed life.
my mental notes from listening to Robbie Zachariah
worship : thoughts of home