I always find it quite interesting that when I seek, I find little bits. God has that effect on His children when they seek. He keeps lining up finds in twos and threes. I abhor desertion. To my surprise God's Word has something to say about this and I just happened to read it on Tuesday. This is dot one:
A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he rages against all wise judgement. Proverbs 18:1
Whoa! He is wrong to isolate himself and the conversation before was about me being my 'nude' self instead of 'fattening' myself up to avoid hurt. Interesting to was that he was floored that someone thought he was an angry bloke. Look there in that verse. Rages against all wise judgement sounds like anger to me. Yet as I see his wrong, I also see his pain and his dreams unrealized. I cannot fault him and that makes way for my claw like fingers on his memories. There is warning here for me. I cannot escape. I have watched others take leave of my life. I am down to the bare bones. I am fine at the moment and don't want to develop any 'ships'. However, I cannot avoid the verse. I cannot isolate myself. I must reach out. It is just so tiring to reach out only to get burned for touching a hot stove.
The other dot was came from reading another's blog. 'Sometimes we outgrow people'. It seems to be a universal human experience my mother did not warn me about. Probably because we don't think like that or perhaps because my mother could never hold down a friendship either so it never came up. Wait!! Kudos for my parents for keeping a marriage strong for over 30+ years!!! So our dna is all about sticking to it for life; it NOT about outgrowing others.
I have never thought that my broken 'ships' where because I out grew them! I did have one that I was feeling that we wereN'T going in the same direction. I did have thoughts of relief when she finally dumped me on my birthday. I did have a conversation with x about friendships and he mentioned the outgrowing - that friends have certain life spans. I didn't like the conversation then nor now. What is wrong with growing together? What is wrong with experiencing their lives even if it on the sidelines cheering them through their 'holy mud'? I am not sure I am ready to bury my toughing it out to go along this line of thought.
Watching a program displaying the silent mode of relationships is where I found the third dot. 'As children we are thought to express ourselves. (use your words!!) As adults we just check out.' Why is it that a guy go through a life and death experience only to claim up around his loved ones because they can't possibly know what he went through? How is she ever going to understand and hold him up in this battle? Remember Moses had two men helping hold his rod up for the Israelites to win in battle. Well, beats me. x checked out. Why only makes one stay in the past.
So I have these three dots. They seem connected. I feel that dot one was the most important and that dot two and three were merely underlines drawing the eye back to the power of isolation and what it will do to your very soul! You became a raging selfish black hole.
seasons of friendship
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