end times ...

I had a conversation today where she said felt like the 'end times' where upon us. I mentioned too was feeling it and that I was reading Daniel with Swindoll and that I was trying to read Revelations. I was very moved by the conversation so much so that I was shaking! When that feeling comes on, it means you touched something really deep and possibly divine. She was able to walk into the boss's office and pray with him before he had to let everyone know about the 8% pay cut. Another thing that really moved me was I keep referring to the Word by partially quoting the promises given by God. She said she got to start memorizing! I told her I don't have it memorized but I attempt by going over and over the Word and then talking back the promises to whatever is offending me. It just moved me so much that I started crying and shaking as I prayed to God on my way home tonight. God has given us sooooo much in the Word that when tough times come that we sin by becoming depressed by it all. Never in the Word does He say to be discouraged but rather be of Good Courage or do NOT be afraid!!!

Well, I am just eating up Swindoll's teaching on Daniel. The following are not my words. I need to put it down in writing so as not to forget. Hmm, more like being encouraged.

1. Democracy will and is declining.
OOO, tough one to swallow! But as I look inward and the battle of the people doing it or being taken care by the government is really hard core. The freedom of people doing it there own is in decline and even being traded in for dependence on government. In defense for America there are other little one rule 'kingdoms' and democracy 'kingdoms' fighting over which is better. We are all just setting up the way for global one leader rule.

2. People will WANT ONE leader rule. The anti-christ will NOT need to use force.
Hard times are here. We will never be rid of terrorists. Once all the salt and light are called home, major chaos! There will be one waiting in the wings ready to take Christ's place - to fill the void!

3. Anti-christ will be winsome and appealing. He is not the opposite of Christ but 'instead' of Christ.
I had never thought of that! It makes a lot of sense. Hmm, this anti-christ is going to be the ultimate wolf in sheep's clothing. The sheep's clothing is going to be so good and will fool every one except those that come to Christ after the Call up Yonder.

4. Anti-christ will be superb in all areas needed to be a genius leader.
He will be able to speak better than the best speaker. He will have all the wisdom of King Soloman. Swindoll had a big list but what I took away from this is that any leader or leadership qualities out there this anti-christ will have. Swindoll also said this anti-christ won't be revealed until after Christ has taken up His believers. So any so called anti-christ isn't here yet. I take comfort in that. I even have gone as far as saying aloud who isn't anti-christ. ie: Martha Steward can't be the anti-christ even because even though the anti-christ may be will organized this anti-christ won't be ____. I then fill in the blank with something that isn't winsome about the chosen 'leader'. Oprah, Donald Trump, etc - pick a leader and try it out.

5. Anti-christ will be a gentile not a jew.


I found Swindoll's words encouraging and I am finding that the end times isn't as scary as I once thought. I remind myself that there is a blessing at the beginning of Revelations for those who read and KEEP what is written. The last chapter of Revelation is God saying I am not kidding...

global bail out plan ...

I miss an old friend that I had once upon a time. During our conversations I gave him an observation: 'I love God's creation of marriage because it pictures what God is and His Ultimate love plan for us. You love the end times stuff and Revelation because you feel God's love plan most in His Return.' He said, 'True'. He has made a choice to move on and leave me in the dust but I have started getting into Daniel and Revelation and would love to talk to him again...

Radio speakers are touching on the end times stuff so I have been digging into to Revelation and Swindoll is in Daniel. Several years ago I stumbled onto end time stuff in Luke 21 and took comfort in Luke 21:33 ''Heaven & earth will pass away but My Words will never pass away.'' It brought much comfort because my love language is WORDS. (bet you couldn't tell!) That was that. Now I am beginning to open up to it...

First in Revelation there is a blessing for all who read Revelations! ''Blessed is he who reads and those who hear the words of this prophecy, and keeps those things which are written in it, for the time is near.'' Rev 1:3 I sure what to be blessed instead of cowering or avoiding. I have stayed away from Revelations probably because as a child there was a whole series of end times movies that scared me and as being a big sis my bro didn't take the movies very well and they made him question his salvation. It was just to much for me to take in and understand. I tend to stand in what I know best and that is that I am going to Heaven because I choose the The Way which is narrow. I also stayed away from Revelations I say because I am a girl and Revelations is so unsafe and I do not and will not get into discussions over what Revelations means because I do not confrontation. If you know the way, then that is final.

Second piece of comfort comes from Daniel 7:15, ''I, Daniel, was troubled in spirit, and the visions that passed through my mind disturbed me.'' I was thinking why should he be troubled because this vision was of things to come and he personally wasn't in them or he personally was not condemned and it has the Ancient of Days setting up His Kingdom by tearing down the earthly and Godless governments. But it speaks of his love for the people he worked for and for the hardships to come. So my feelings of terror finds common ground in Daniel and it isn't a girl thing.

For the third bit, take note that Daniel was in government and politics - I find it very interesting that God choose Daniel to deliver the message that all governments no matter how great or good they might be will fall before the Kingdom! In these days of global unrest I definitely find that a comfort. This old friend of my came is from the land down under and at times I felt stress from our conversation. I seemed to feel that he thought that America thought it was a superpower. I never had that notion and it would make me upset. I do not believe America is a superpower. I think and hope that we are a good influence but anyways onto the real point. Go back to Nebuchadnezzar's dream of the large statue in Daniel 2. Before noticing that my study Bible had the kingdoms listed out according to the gold, silver, bronze, iron, I saw the feet of iron and clay or the 10 kingdoms as the what is actually going on today! What is present now is all these little kingdoms trying to get along with each and hating each other all the same. Iron and clay meaning partly strong and brittle - 'so the people will be a mixture and will not remain united, any more than iron mixes with clay.' Dan 2:43. What follows is that rock that knocks the statue down. This ROCK is the Kingdom of God. For me that finally, it is done and over with! My God reigns! See, America isn't a superpower. It is all the nations of the world that will fall...

.:note!:. As I left these words to rest a bit and went to read the Daniel visions again, I don't know for sure if my notion is true so don't debate me on this. Daniel isn't written in chronological order and Revelations isn't written in complete sentences. Revelations is written in bursts like John was trying to write down everything as not to forget. If I would read prophecy like I knew the answer, it would be wrong of me. The more you read the more you begin to question when this or that is going to happen when and where. That is God's way of saying to us that isn't important. So what is important? What is important is that all these power hungry miserable earthly governments can not stand against the Rock - the Kingdom that is to come. God established the Kingdom by sending His Son and He has been welcoming and waiting through the centuries for those who choose to become citizens of Heaven.

So my final point comes back to Revelations - No, I haven't finished my study and it make take me a while so there may be more to say or not and I just might get confused. But as Psalm 18 is my damsel in distress psalm where my white knight comes and rescues me from my daily pain and anguish, Revelations isn't just the revealing of Jesus Christ but it is God's global BAIL OUT or rescue plan! He is the Almighty One who will rescue all of us if we choose. It is for the mainstream ... ''Let him who thirsts COME. Whoever desires, let him take the Water of Life freely.'' Revelations 22:17

AMEN!

the sparrow promise ...

I just can't seem to get going on much today. I really should accomplish so much since weekends I can spend as I so feel like doing with work at a distance. But I find myself zoned out and going slow.

So hmm about work... if you have been reading my twitter tweets, you know something is up at work. Heard the company crack for the first time Thursday as we are repo-ing boats and dealers are requesting us not to send them boats. Being the one who is paying the bills and being overloaded with work, I have been wondering at our death defying speed. I have been sending God many a s.o.s with a ps. not to slow down the workload by leaving company and me without jobs. I have had a notion that if God takes the job that I have been there before and if need be I can do it again. But I think that sounds very arrogant because I now it will be hard. With company wide cut on wages, one wonders if it will work and what things need to be in order to hunker down for a while - kind of like hibernating for the winter.

I also have two things on my list to do before that should happen and it is the two bookcases and iWorks. I want to be able to have word processing part for my iMac since I broke Appleworks and can't get it back. I need to get serious about writing! I am hoping that iWorks will get me organized and creative. The bookcases are for a bit of what I call 'home makeover'. A couple of months ago I got a bookcase for a spot that was dead space. I had been wanting to do it for a long time but I didn't know if it would work with my home being a very small space. It worked better than I thought! Now I am ready to get two more 3 shelf bookcases is to go in the other place where I have 2 two shelf bookcases. Then I will move the 2 two shelf bookcases to another corner of my living room. I have a dream of being very orderly and organized. So what should a modern day library living space look like? I got the idea from Ikea. The living rooms were lined with walls of bookcases! So with that notion I then made a list of what my library will contain. The list is books of course but I add music, movies, craft books, school books, games, and photo albums. My hope is to clean up my space and to be able to see what I have and to better use what I have.

I cannot get mad at George W nor can I get mad at the economy. It is the people's fault. We all were riding high. There always have to be a balance. If we cannot keep the balance then God will provide the balance. I am not worried about the money. I have been very safe with the money. No, I don't have a home and it is a dream, but I am glad that I don't have that worry. I am frustrated and have been under too much pressure at work and all the changes. Sure I have the office with the window but I have to share it. I have a new boss who I am concerned that she will make unnecessary changes when I have worked hard at making this job as tight and as fast as I can because math isn't my strong suite I know what to do to keep me successful and able to handle the job. I don't want someone to come in and upset the boat trailer. Plus, I don't like someone telling me what to do. So when she voiced a change, I decided to make the move first. I worked it and then told her when she voiced the change she wanted to make that I would do it but it would be different. I told her I already did it this week and what changes I would need to make to make successful for me. But I am still leery because she probably still want to observe. They did things quite different at the other place...

Through it all that window has been perfect at reminding me that God has me in the palm of His Almighty Hand. Sparrows come to my window and my eyes take in their actions. I smile and remember that God cares for these small ordinary birds and aren't of more value than these?

my needs ...

I need a companionship with another. I like the dynamics of two. It is much easier to feel like a team. Forget groups. The bigger the mass the more I blend in with the walls.

I need approval and praise in what I sweat hard at like my dreams and passion and any kind of work I do. I feed off this kind of energy and end up bend over backwards to give more and be better. When days go by with no appreciation coming my way, it is very easy to give up. I said days when in many areas of my life it has been years of drought.

I need people to be patient with my speech. My mind goes faster then the connection between my head and mouth or my brain goes into picture mode and I find it difficult to speak in picture when I need to draw out visuals. Try giving map directions over the phone. I bet it is hilarious to watch me!

I need to be allowed to be deep. I do over think but there is a lot of creative process going on. I never thought I was smart until recently when someone said I was! I was shocked. My grades never proved it. I do need to learn to have fun with my depth. I really need to have a companion who will allow me to learn the art of conversation and I hate to say this but a safe confrontation. I seriously don't know how to do it and come out of it still intact. Usually I am broken and beaten up. I hate competition and I need a feeling of true teamwork.

I need balance and I find that I really need to have my creative side blossom so that I can handle the mundane and ordinary days. I need a zing of excitement or learning because if I get to bored, I can become quite grouchy and nasty.

I wonder how God's list of my needs compare to my list...
!

Stroke of Insight ...

I was listening to Jill Bolte Taylor, a brain doc, describe her experience of a stroke and I was hooked the minute she explained the going ons of her brain! When you ask me what my favorite body part in general, it would be the brain! I love how I learn and how you learn. I am a big believer on doing your passions and dreams. I know without a doubt that our strength can be found in the passions and dreams we harbor in our little red hearts. What do you get excited about? Yup, you will answer with your passions and dreams. So that is why I am so intrigued by the brain. Plus, it doesn't help that I live too deeply within my own!

Back to Dr. Jill and her stroke ...
What fascinated me the most was when she told about how the stroke was shutting down the left side of her brain where all the math and language was located. It took her four hours to get help and she told each long and drawn out detail of how her brain was attempting to perceive the world. Then after she made it the hospital, she took you through what her right brain was picking up and it was ENERGY people where giving off around her. She wanted the good energy because she knew it was safe and that even if she couldn't understand their language, she still knew that good energy/tones meant they cared about her. The other huge insight for me was that because of the energy she was picking up, she had a choice. She could come out or she could retreat to the inside where she was experience bliss. Because her left brain was in a puddle of blood and out of the loop, no agenda's or outside world things were pressing in on her. The to-do list was no longer functioning. She could just be happy in this state of being. Wow! This really has got me thinking... so when dealing with elevated anxiety within, can I shut down the left brain to-do and must do lists? Can I begin to focus on just being in the moment? Well, as I deal with a very stressful time at work these days, I found myself trying to relax my frazzled self as I am trying to get this huge work load passed through to payment. I slowed down making sure to focus on getting my fingers into a rhythm instead of speed. I know it effects the accuracy and that is more important key to to save precious time. There is something here that I must keep!

(Dr. Jill also said of her stroke as a wound and that she wasn't stupid. Hmm! I like this! I couldn't help but think of traumatic brain injuries!)

Dr. Jill wrote a book that I must find and read. --> ''The Stroke of Insight''
*

unfriendly world ...

I never have found the world a friendly place. So when it was said to take the world as friendly, my history prevents it. I understand the no exceptions because often I feel on the outskirts and being friendly with no exceptions speak of harboring love just like God has asked His children to do.

So what is it about my history that makes me timid and protective? I have always felt like an oddity. I couldn't make friends as a child so I found solace in my bike and my books. I have always hoped to find the world friendly and reading 'Anne of Green Gables' fed my hopes that oddities could have companionship. As friends came, they seem to go. Some I understand and but most I don't.

After many reflections on relationship interactions and failures, I find that maybe I am really messed up - like I need to change everything about me. I think as I hit my middle years, I have developed many layers of protection - actually I just don't deal. I am a shy little girl and have not found a safe place to exhale without quaking inside or without being forced to implode all over myself or without splattering over others. It is like playing my favorite childhood of concentration where you match up pairs but this pair has no match. I am not talking male match rather just that inner core matches. They say those are hard to come by but is it true that some people have no matches? How can this be true? God has designed the whole world on relationships...

I tried to change shy and in my twenties realized that I cannot change my personality. Yet as the years go by the more this shy has taken root within my inner being. From being born timid with a strong dose of stubborn to being buck tooth beaver to being a wall flower at high school (or so I thought) to making some small steps in college to living on my own to 36 food allergies to well on my way to being an old maid - isolation seems like it is closing in even though I have tried to reach out. Every time my hand gets slapped, the more I keep my hands and every other part of me tucked in so not to encourage more battering on my sensitive heart.

There are good things about personalities so aren't you suppose to accentuate the good bits? I keep trying but here I am at my wits end to dealing with silent walls and this quaking aching heart of mine. I am soooo tired. Tired of wailing with fists clinched at God when I should just shut up and go to bed ... Tired of failing God .. Tired of wondering how the dots will connect ... Tired of trying fix myself ... Tired of dead ends... yet as tired as I say I am, I keep renewing my mind and heart with God's Word. It is NOT about me being tired but rather if I am open enough for God to keep working His Mysterious Ways within me. It is NOT about me fixing myself but about God being able to mold me His Way. God never tires or gets weary about my failings. He is ever Constant and His Love never fails me...

Here is to a shy girl taking on a 'friendly' world...
*

turning fall ...

Last Saturday as I was walking, I thought that not very many trees had turned yet. What a difference a week makes. It has turned cool from the 80* I enjoyed last weekend. Fall rains too have tugged on the leaves making them fall in pools around their former home. Now more trees have turned into their golden hues. It is finally October. The sky is a very bright blue and the fields are a dry golden color. When the sun shines every thing takes on very rich tones.

Long sleeves and jeans are welcomed as the brisk air promises frost to kill the pollens and pesky bugs. However, yesterday morning I saw a woman in short shorts and flip flops picking out silk fall flower arrangements outside the local craft store. I thought oddly funny as I was wishing for a heavy coat than the light jean jacket I had thought would be just enough. Ahh, how some cannot let go of summer and lean into fall...

filling up the child ...

I was listening to this woman on the radio speak about children and some things she said made me say Amen aloud because it spoke of me yet I am no longer a child but still need this!

paraphrase:
'If your child is an artist, she will need praise.'
'If your child is sitting in front of the tv, you are wasting his talent and talent is what makes him happy.'
'If your child is sensitive, -something about giving time and order
'If your child is melancholy, -something about allowing creative depth

I should have made some notes because it really moved and now I can't remember fully the last two points. I was sitting there seeing me now in need of what a child needs and I am an adult. It is just the place I am in. I am probably hitting my midlife crises or maybe just feeling neglected or maybe it is the stress buildup. It is time for me the 'parent' to allow the 'child' to be successful in my life.

cookin!

I have to give a shout out to Chocolate & Zucchini! I have this passion about how people learn. I love to sit at people's feet and find out what their dreams are. Within those dreams are strengths. Whatever you are strong at is the desire to learn and grow. So go over and check out how a blind man cooks!

unscathed & unmarred ...

''I just don't understand why you would say no to my friendship and say yes to a silent telephone and quiet evenings all by yourself with no one to talk to. I just don't understand.''

''I am sorry but my no is a solid no. I cannot defend myself before you in this matter. If my fate is to spend the rest of my days and evenings alone, the God I serve will defend and will commune with me. He will rescue me from myself and from loneliness. But even if He doesn't me from aloneness, I will not compromise the way that I live. I desire to live truthfully so that what I think, I can say and what I say, I do. No secrets. I will not worship my desires but will worship the One True God. I am a free woman! Why be bound to my lusts? Yes, I may live in my head too much but like the days of old when Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were thrown into the furnace, there was the Son of God walking about with them. Not hair was singed. I too can throw out my fears and doubts that lick like flames around my tortured mind and heart. I too can walk about hand in hand with the Son of God in this furnace call loneliness and come out unscathed. I am precious in His sight and will always be unmarred...''

here's to a modern day Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego story ... Daniel 3

celebrating sparrows & flowers ...

Dear Heavenly Father,
I have decided to celebrate sparrows and flowers. I have been so stressed and out of sorts lately. I have called upon You for You are my only HELP. I haven't felt much relief and my core has felt very jittery of late. I must let go.

I got really ticked when the resounding opinion about my move was hey, at least you have a window. But through that window You have brought the HELP in the form of sparrows whether they where playing in water puddles or eating worms or flitting about. As my desk has me facing the window with my back to door, my eyes goes to Your Creation. You love the sparrows and You love me even when I feel most insignificant and little.

So I vow to make my weekend a place to recoup and celebrate the simple things. I know You love me and nothing will get in the way of You loving me. That feels good. The stress is still lingering but hopefully soon my spirit will be chipper.

Thank You for my office sparrows and my fall flowers. I love You.

~always Your little girl

But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows. ~:Luke 12:7

...neither be ye of doubtful mind. ~:Luke 12:29

*

to have, to hold, to give a witness ...

I was listening to Gary Smalley on the radio and he made a very interesting comment that I had to share.

No culture has ever survived with out good marriages.

Wow!

Not to long ago I heard another say that in the last days marriage will not be allowed. I did go find the verse to confirm. Again another whoa.

I told Mom that marriage is the last frontier of witnessing. I think I confused her because I knew what I was thinking on the inside but it wasn't coming out right. That always happens with me. Not a good speaker off the cuff.

Sighs... what to do with all this head knowledge ...

dead ends ...

I stumbled upon a really good book at the library that came to me at a really good time - 'God Works the Nightshift' by Ron Mehl. I loved this book as well as the 'Tender Commandments' that I went on a buying spree two years ago and got all his books.

Ron is a pastor who has leukemia. He knows the tender and dark side of living this life for God. Need some simple TLC? Read his books and maybe you will want to have him in your library. I feel that I can go back to his books over and over again. It is like a 'book soul mate'! Can that be? =)

I recently reread his book 'Surprise Endings' and now reading the last of his books I haven't read -'Dead Ends'. I am there feeling like I have been on a dead end for some time now but really has intensified in September. Tonight's chapter was about waiting rooms. Ahh, he really gave a good visual. Imagine that in your waiting room there is 'Noah reading a boating mag waiting for rain' etc. In my waiting room Noah is checking out my company's boat brochure as I am waiting to break out of a numbers job and into a writing books. {smiles} Oh, Ruth's in that waiting room too! She is waiting on a husband and Redeemer so I guess I am with good company.

God never ever said to be discouraged! Go ahead try to find it in His Word. Nope, it is always DON'T be afraid. DON'T be discouraged. Take heart. Be of Good Courage.

So here is to dead ends, nightshifts, and surprise endings...
*

minimal ...

On Sunday I began to feel like a nothing. I have been under some major stress and feel that I have to knock out interferences in life in order for my potential to make a good performance. I have decided that when the little things at work or even at home come in my way that I will jump in and do what they ask with my game face on so they don't know it is bothering me and so that I don't let my bad attitude take hold. Now that I have done this I feel like I am taking everything with a whatever mode so that I don't behave badly.

What is really shaking me up is that I had a notion that I need to scrape out everything thing I do and start over. What? Yeah, I believe with all my heart that I cannot change the core of who I am. I tried it and it doesn't work so why is this coming to me now?

I feel isolated. Some of it is because of me. I do not go with the crowd. I am quiet. I don't force myself onto others. I hate it when others live outside their box and splatter their behavior all over me. I over think. I am tenacious. Dad calls me stubborn. I see things differently then others do. I abhor people telling me what to do. I loathe the disrespect shown when people tell you how to feel or what to think.

I feel isolated and this one thing I cannot control it. My food allergies make me more remote than I already feel. It can take on the ultimate form of not listening. It can even take on disrespect towards my feelings. I really have to watch this as this happens with those I love. Then there is work where I have to say yes or no to a luncheon. I have to ask about the food. I don't like doing that and because I was raised to eat everything on the plate -no complaints. Then I get an answer that didn't even go with my question! So, I am leaning towards just saying no rather then asking again. The last time I a guy co-worker wanted to know my answer. I asked what they were serving. He wouldn't tell me so I said no. I didn't give him the reason. It is a big tado over nothing every time I talk about all 36 food allergies. Why should everyone know when all they can say is I couldn't do it and then isolate me. Do you think this is fun? (I think I should develop a comic routine on my food allergies. Maybe a little humor will lighten me up!)

You know it just isn't working for me anymore. The payoff is lousy. So what can I do? Have a personality-change?

'Aged Love' {v}

While talking to a co-worker, our conversation was about how a marriage relationship becomes real good when it goes through the different seasons.

There are different things and issues that happen in the teenage years compare to the 20's, 30's, 40's and so on it goes. You can't just give up when it gets rough and redo an age. You lose out on the deep and wide of love and stay in the shallow end forever. It is sad to see so many marriages lose out when there is divorce.

I being still single am afraid that I missed out on the good stuff of the ages. I've been told that you still feel the giddy teenage stuff of every new love and this from a widower who now on her third. Not sure I believe it. There is a lot of things packed into each season.

At other times I just don't think I was made for marriage in the 20's & 30's. How sad is that? But this new age I am entering might be ok. It is more about the two of you and not about the kids. However, I do not have much to work with as the guys out there in my age bracket still have kids and there is no way I want to jump in that kind of soup. It is not fair to the kids with so many pot stirrers. However, I thought I was ready in my 30's and that didn't happen. At moments I wonder if it will ever happen. So why do I have this want? I have prayed to for my future mate and I have prayed for this want to just up and die! Argh.

Oh well, I will still believe in marriage as it should be - as God designed it to be. I will still believe in the aged love with all its depth and flavor. I will continue to discover it even if it isn't mine ...