little bird, big storm ...

Bravely the little bird clung there out in the storm;

torn by each blast that was flung there,

chirped to keep himself warm;

ruffled his feathers and clung there,

till frozen and stiff it hung there,

spring came and still it swung there,

    all that was left of the storm.

by Ruth Graham Bell's Collected Poems

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I do not like this poem because it is so sad.  It is not a pretty picture.  On a normal day I would turn the page in search of a happier place but today it is exactly the words I needed to hear.

I am that bird.  I clung to my little perch.  I chirped.  I ruffled my feathers.  That storm did not care.  It took me out.  It does not matter if the storm was wrong or petty.  It does not matter if the storm is full of it's own power.  It does not matter if the storm is controlling.  It does not matter if the storm is all-consuming. I am little.  Storm is big.  Blasted, frozen, dead stiff are all consequences for thinking this was a silly little matter.  

To ultimately honor my Heavenly Father I must honor and obey my boss no matter even if she says not to sneeze.  If I cannot honor her in the littlest of matters, how can I honor her in the big matters.  How can God give me a job that I would love much better if I cannot do my currant mundane job with God-given JoY.  {sign}

I still do not like this poem but I will carry it in my heart as I go back to work tomorrow a bit more wiser, a bit more quiet, a bit more focused on my Heavenly Father.  Spring is to be full of new life not death.  I need to make it to Spring.  I choose life not death.....

I must be the bird under His Wing not the frozen bird in a winter storm.

single period.

I have made a decision that I am going to be happy and content with my God-given gift of singlehood. However, I must warn you that if you ask and tears well up, it does NOT mean that I want you to set me up. What is worse than living a singular life is the dating. I absolutely hate it. I am the most unsure of myself like a new born horse. If I was to get married, it would have been from getting to know someone like from a friendship.

Please do not think you can rescue me. I am a hopeless cause when it comes to human intervention. God knows me and yes, I have to work on my 'comfort' and stability of little 'ol me. Last year I hit a milestone birthday and at Christmas I had to deal with someone who thought they could rescue me sent me into a deep end of emotional stress. I had enough. No more. Now if I can control my welling of my eyes and have the right words. So to the ladies that tried to rescue me today and to anyone else who thinks they are the best at matchmaking, I am not having it and I will become my worse nightmare. I would rather keep that under wraps. Thank you very much! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

My Anchor holds ...

The next day after the Thunder Snow with all it rain, I woke to a light dusting of snow already on the ground with more in the air. The radio is blaring to watch out for black ice which is a dreaded word for me. (had a bad wreak on it) I was not looking forward to the drive into work. I chose the back way since the local school thought it wise NOT to delay. Problem is that it is a bear to get through town with bad weather and no school delays. So in my head popped the hymn "My Anchor Holds''. Who would have know that the icy roads was not the worst of my day.

I got reamed out by a caller. My face was so red hot that you could have fried eggs on my cheeks. This happened mid-morning and the heat did not leave till evening. I've been working on my voice trying to keep my gentleness even though I know more than half the callers I connect to people end up in voicemail. Plus, having all those spam callers isn't a piece of cake either. Add to that those who choose to use their speaker phones which sounds like they are yelling across the room and jumping straight down your ear drum telling you to speak up! Then oh those yummy CELL phone users who are in and out and raising their voices upset at you no less for the bad connection. I am too fragile to deal with abusive callers and then to be nice on top of that. I had it coming, but what scared me alone in the lady's room was that I felt stuck. This is the same feeling I had before and not one that I want to be in ever again. Having the stuck feeling begins to eat away at you until you are a shell of what you are suppose to be. Never ever want to be in that place again.

I spent the rest of the day writing out the Living Words trying to get myself back ...

to slander no one, to be peaceable, to be full of courtesy, to walk humbly - titus 3:2 ... let your gentleness be know to all men ... he who hardens his heart falls into trouble - prov 28:14 ... bright eyes gladden the heart ...

no excuses, show gentleness to all, slow down, give options, submit, no exceptions, no limits, this is a friendly world, yielded, am I faithful? how do I show my faithfulness, create atmosphere..

My Anchor Holds Heb 6:19
Though the angry surges roll
On my tempest driven soul,
I am peaceful, for I know,
Wildly though the winds may blow,
I’ve an anchor safe and sure,
That can evermore endure.

(Refrain:)
And it holds, my anchor holds:
Blow your wildest, then, O gale,
On my bark so small and frail;
By His grace I shall not fail,
For my anchor holds, my anchor holds.

Mighty tides about me sweep,
Perils lurk within the deep,
Angry clouds o’ershade the sky,
And the tempest rises high;
Still I stand the tempest’s shock,
For my anchor grips the rock.

Refrain

I can feel the anchor fast
As I meet each sudden blast,
And the cable, though unseen,
Bears the heavy strain between;
Through the storm I safely ride,
Till the turning of the tide.

Refrain

Troubles almost ’whelm the soul;
Griefs like billows o’er me roll;
Tempters seek to lure astray;
Storms obscure the light of day:
But in Christ I can be bold,
I’ve an anchor that shall hold.

Refrain
`words written by William C Martin

I am glad I had emailed the words of this song to my work addy. It was helpful to my weary soul ...

Hey, I still have my snow! It is March no less! It is a season that will come to an end and my Jeep is ready for a cleaning inside and out .... Spring brings that and I will welcome her like I welcomed Winter ... just no more November rains please .. pretty please ...

Dear Anchor,
Tomorrow is Monday. A new day. I will try again to dip from Your Gentleness. I need YOU. Can't do it alone...
~always Yours

enlarged troubles

Dearest Heavenly Father,
The troubles of my heart have enlarged; I am feeling irratated. It is not one problem but three! I have projects that needed to be completed and the weekend was not my own. I made a transaction for the sake of a gift that was given to me and I personally did not want to deal with this person. And add to that trying to make sence of break down. Bring me out of my distresses!Haven't I had enough? I can't take much more. I am in a sour mood. I hate this feeling. I just want peace. I can't seem to adjust. Look upon my affliction & my pain, My cherished joy is gone. I need peace. It is Christmas time and once again as I fight to go slow and be calm, chaos rules. & forgive all my sins. Oh, I would have thought it wierd to have that phrase within a cry out to You, but as I have been in this fowl mood, I have sinned. I have habored ill will towards that person I made a transaction with and still get heated at his lack of character. Then I wonder at my own for thinking such thoughts. I have been short with my words. I have scowled and snarled because things are not going my way. Pleae forgive all my sins! Please calm me. I want that childlike expectant glow. It is Christmas... and I want that glowing in my heart...
~always your child
(~Ps 25:17-18)

make new wine ...

Have you found yourself stuck on things you want to change whether in your personal life or your family life and it just seems to be passed down from one generation to the next? It could be the consequence of the sins of a father or maybe it is simple as a trait that seemingly holds you back.

I have a trait that I will share and some secret ones I am still working on but this is the month it all coming at me at once so now it the time to buckle down. Our family has problems communicating. Plans are made on half the info and then we wonder how things could go so wrong. I have thought about this and still have no easy solution. Breaking bad habits is not the way to change rather making good habits is.

A good habit that I started last year was having a Barbarian Night in August. Some things happened that I was not in the right frame of mind to make it happen this year. So I am going to try something at Thanksgiving. After Daddy prays I am going to have every one volunteer a sentence of what they are especially thankful for this year. This is good communication and insight into each person's life journey. What better way to enable us to have empathy for our family members' dreams? Then at Christmas ask everyone to share a Christmas wish for the up coming year. Or maybe mix it up a bit...

I am still thinking. Games are not well loved by all in my household so that is an out. But I am still thinking so maybe I can come up with some ideas for good communication without it feeling like medicine.