not making it into my future...

There comes a point in your life when you realize
            who matters,
            who never did,
            who won't anymore...
            and who always will.
            So, don't worry about people from your past,
            there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.


Wow, interesting that this came in a forward in one of my emails. I don't like the leaving parts of those that come into my life. Yet as I become stronger in learning to live my 'oneness' {aloneness isn't word and the dictionary offers oneness instead!}, I've become more at peace with the ones who have chosen to not be in my future... The little girl in me who likes to stick out her tongue says 'nah nah nah to bad so sad...' but the little kind sensitive quiet girl wiping a stray tear says 'its not wise to miss out on the good bits of life...'

generation to generation ...

Psalms 78 is a passage where it sums up the Great Works of God and the importance of sharing it with your children.

That they may set their HOPE in GOD,

and NOT forget the Works of God,

but KEEP His commandments.

Ps 78:8

Where is the celebration of God's Works? Where is the devotion and reverence for the 'workings together'? Why are we so ho-hum over the simple commandments asked of by God for our basic happiness? Why do we mutter and become so bitter over things not working out as we have planned? Why are we accusing God of being silent when it because our wishes aren't being fulfilled? Shouldn't we have great delight in God? Shouldn't we be rejoicing and celebrating the Almighty for His Hand protecting and preserving us?

Isn't a shame that we put so much celebration in an unproven fallible man and mutter and fret against the Omnipotent God?

man ≠ God

Man is man. Man is weak, mortal, dysfunctional, fragile, faulty, imperfect, and a real pain in the neck! So how can people equate themselves to God or as being little gods? I think I am going to start naming names and how unfortunate it that the two biggest culprits are women but in II Tim 3:5-7, we're warned of 'a form of godliness' that women get hoodwinked by. The names are Oprah and Joyce Myers. I was a little shocked over Joyce Myers but I haven't been paying to enough attention but now that I know, I won't be watching.

People can never think themselves into being gods nor can they ever create. The other thing that sets man from God is that they are mortal. Every day man is dying and death will over take us all. The only way to have Everlasting Life is to bow the knee to God and ask Him to be Lord and Master of your life.

Another huge danger that I see is the cult like, hollywood mega superstar status we Americans are putting on one man who is touting/peddling hope. Hope in who or what? Yes, we can? First fault is that man raises up 'leaders' and then tears them down. What is more dysfunctional than that? We have already blasted one President never giving him a chance and tore him to shreds so who is to say man won't do it again to a new one everyone seems to be enamored with? Again we only can with the bowed knee asking for God's Strength and Ever-Present Help

Hope is a very sacred word and it didn't come to me until the election and my heart began to sing 'My Hope is built in nothing less that Jesus' Blood and Righteous' that I fully realized why I was having a problem with the goings on of this cult like following. ''Rejoice in Christ Jesus, and have no confidence in the flesh'' Phil 3:3. This man is just a man who is imperfect. I do wish him the best and will pray for his leadership and for his soul. I also will pray for his stance on pro-choice because what nation is under God when the nation is killing babies? ''That they might set their hope in God, and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments'' Ps 78:7. Did we forget God's commandment ''Thou shalt not kill''? God fashions each person in womb! And man wants to destroy life? God says to choose life! (deut 30 &31)

Another thing about all the hype is what the media is throwing around that this is history in the making. Isn't it present day? Shouldn't we be living the day given for tomorrow isn't promised? Remember man is mortal? Besides what is going to interest me more than anything here on earth is roaming the Halls of Heaven where God keeps the 'His-story' books and see for myself with God's eyes and perceptive what is important for the Kingdom. Man's eyes are faulty and his desires are fickle.

My eyes are on Jesus and my HOPE is Jesus Christ...

hormones ...

I wonder what makes an imbalance of hormones in a woman when she begins her transition from child bearing and rearing to a woman of stature and sage. Is it the years of not taking care of your needs or is it the lack of proper eating and exercise? Is it working some job because it brings home the 'mula' but depletes the soul or is it the sour atmosphere that you keep or tolerate at work or at home? Is it plain and simply s-t-r-e-s-s? We all know what stress does to us so that is why I have been thinking this out..

I wonder if keeping my mind stayed upon Christ the Solid Rock and staying in the Word will keep my hormone levels balanced and keep stress at bay. I will be making this transition soon and have heard the horror stories and have question my own mother. I have become more and more anti-drugs for most things. For example, taking an aspirin for my food HA's only covers up the pain; it does not protect or prevent the blood cells from dying. I am not naive for there is a time for medication and a time for no medication and kicking the stress habit our lifestyle has created as a monster has got to be the key.

I have noticed some stress beaters for myself and the biggest stress reliever is my relationship with God. It has been a long time coming and I have a long way to go. I am a big time feeler and I will always feel but to rightly put them in God's hands by going the Word and laying hold of God's promises. I have got the praying without ceasing down as I rattle about alone at home but often before going to bed, I would cry as I battle out my frustrations. I hated it and myself. The last couple of years I have found solace in God's Word and now it has become an obsession to pray the Word. I don't cry over the frustrations before bed anymore. I am repeating the fear not messages.

This year's theme is allowing myself to be Romanced by God and to find my true beauty. Already I have come to terms with a certain desertion in my life. I have been getting over it only to find myself not over it. I think it is a growing experience and can't be learned at the drop of a heart. Hearts shatter and it takes time for them to heal because there are so many angles and edges to bring back together. God has been so very patient with me and has been very Masterful at gently healing my heart. I have soooooo many learnings that even through a fleshy experience God has worked it for my good and betterment. At this point in time I feel a satisfied heart beating in my chest because I am letting God romance me. I am so tired of being alone and learning everything I can about being a couple that I am finally going to embrace this single life. It was a dual life that began to eat me alive. God has said to choose life and I am making a life decision to choose a JOYFUL life.

So by embracing my relationship with God and embracing my single JOYFUL life, stress is on the run. So I wonder if by keeping a balanced and whole life, will it keep my hormones in balanced and I can enjoy the transition...? I kinda think so...

Fear NOT little one! Fearlessly walk with Me. I will keep you! Always your Heavenly Father and Keeper

a form of godliness

Why search for spirituality in books or so called guru's? Why search for spirituality on tv or some famous person? Why search for spirituality from someone peddling hope or from government hand-me-downs? Why search for spirituality any where but the Source? We live in dangerous times and seek after a false spirituality.

I have always believe you must go to the source. Never go on what someone else's word. God's Word is my Source for Right Ways and for keep watch over the dark and evil ways.

As I was reading II Tim 3:5-7, I was stopped in my tracks because here I saw something laid out in Scripture that was an actual description of a predominant tv female person who reaches homes all over the world. It was kind of frighting.

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days.
People .... having a form of godliness but denying its power.
Have nothing to do with them.

They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women,
who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires,
always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth.

This is very dangerous for women because we can be swayed. The only way to not get caught in this web is to feed on the Word as much as you pray and we are to pray w/o ceasing! Having a relationship with God is a two way street. Don't be the only one having a gab fest! Let God do some major talking.

All Scripture is God-breathed
and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,
so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
II Tim 3:16-17

So Whom is your Source for your spirituality?

fear vs faith ...

As my mind has been overloading on the 'fear not' message, I have decided that the opposite is faith.

But without faith
it is impossible to please Him,
for he who comes to God
must believe that He is,
and that He is a Rewarder
of those who diligently seek Him.
Heb 11:6

Shaking in fear is ugly and does not please the Maker but He knows that is very much apart of the flesh experience. So He is always quieting us with His Words if only we keep our hearts soft and open to Him. I love this verse as I really want my Heavenly Father to smile over me and be pleased at this little girl creation. I have been praying hard for my family and for me over the earthly fears. We will go through fire and flood (Isa 43:1-4) but He is my Keeper and He keeps us. By praying I keep my faith and trust focused on Him. I know by His Good Keeping, rewards of comfort and peace and ultimately Joy will overflow my heart...

flourish = Joy's verb ...

Joy is a state of being content & trusting in God. Flourish is Joy in verb form and it is beautiful!

flourish |ˈfləri sh |

verb

1 grow or develop in a healthy or vigorous way, esp. as the result of a particularly favorable environment 

• develop rapidly and successfully .

• [with adverbial ] (of a person) be working or at the height of one's career during a specified period 

When I think of flourish, my mind is overflowing with good things like beautiful, color popping flowers flourishing in a gentle breeze. Simply put, just winsome. I love how flourish is described in Psalms 92:12-15:

The righteous shall flourish like the palm tree
Those that be planted in the House of the LORD shall flourish in the courts of our God.
They shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be fat and flourishing;
To show that the LORD is upright: He is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in Him.

A palm tree is made stronger when it bends in horrific winds and on a beautiful day, a palm tree is so tall and flourishes against a blue sky. Do I bend under God's allowance of storms or do I fight against what He is doing in my life?

When I am planted in the House of the Lord, there will I be most joyful and flourishing. I see the House of the Lord anywhere I am in communion with God via His Word and my prayers, thanksgiving, and hymns. It is also my obedience (good fruit) as my love shared to Him. This is were I am most beautiful and the most flourishing. What is my return? a nice big fat, fruitful, and flourishing me! {beautiful}

basket of nerves ...

I called up little bro today. He is leaving for Chicago early in the morning to head down for Nicaragua (1wk) for his masters degree. He is always a basket of nerves but being far away from I didn't know if he was rattling around. At the holidays he seemed quite still and ok. Well, I am glad I called. He is concerned and he also feels that the 'planners' didn't really plan as well as he hopes. Plus, he had to sign a form saying that if he should die while on the trip that his family could not sue. That really bugs him. Of course it would, he is a husband and a new dad.

I took the 'fear not' verses that I had compiled together from our Christmas get together and emailed them to my family this week. He took it and emailed it to the group that is going on the trip. He says that he has some fears. But you know I believe strongly that believers will have fear feelings but it is what we do with those feelings. We need to dig ourselves deep into God's Word and lean hard into them - like palm trees in hurricane winds. They bend and don't break... I call it renewing of the mind... or my favorite 'talking back'!!!! I start 'talking back' God's Word straight into the face of fear. I even get out my little soap box {grins}.

I told him that I would take his fears and pray. Not only that but I am praying the 'fear not' verses for him. It is amazing at the power of God's Word! I also told little bro that when I am restless or nerveous that I take out my New Testament that I carry with me and read the Psalms. It is amazes me that every time I do so, I feel calm... maybe he will try it too.... Most of all I will be praying that he relaxes and finds God's beauty in the place and see God moving in the people and in him...

True Strength ...

You know the feeling when it is such a relief for a man to step in for you and carry some burden that you had been overloaded with? Or the feeling when a man spoke up for or stood as a shield when you felt paralyzed by the need to be nice but needed to be strong on your values? It is call STRENGTH and every beauty needs someone to be strong for you?

I have always enjoyed and thanked God for His Creations like when I am going to work on a winter day and the bright yellow sun is waking up and kissing me on the cheek. I thank God for this because it is His Kiss and His pat on my back saying 'go get 'em'. I also thanked God for the past two weeks off because I needed it so badly and under normal circumstances couldn't. I totally enjoyed every moment off. I got to take care of me and my space. But I realized that my thank you needs to be more specific so that I recognize for myself that it is God, my Great Lover, who stood up for me and my beauty and said 'It is time to rest and enjoy it.' Now that is True Strength and True Romance. Ahh, my Everlasting Love!

Q's:
Where has God been my Strength and stood up for me or shielded me when I couldn't? How has His Strength protected my beauty? Have I thanked God for His Everlasting Love and Strength? How does if feel to finally breath again without the burden God shouldered? Will I let His Strength nourish my beauty?

1st single crochet!

I DID IT! I finally figured out how to single crochet! I have been wanting to make Amigurumi for my niece and maybe for myself. I do like anything small. Now I am on my way.

Last week I found some instructions that had actual pictures instead of drawings. It makes a big difference when you are trying to 'SEE' what and where you need to go to make loops or stitches. My Grandma has long past away and I didn't want to learn when she was able plus, not sure I would have picked it up. I think I am learning that it is best if I learn on my own. Interesting - but from all my years studying on how to teach I figured out how I best learn. Now it is difficult for me to be taught by others because I know how I learn and others haven't figured that out. To be a good teacher you have to know how your student learns and teach it that way to them.

Anyways!!! I have been practicing and have figured out how to increase and decrease. I'm not sure if I have the slip stitch quite figured out and why it is needed. I am working on the rounds because that is what Amigurumi is based on. I am finding that the magic ring works best as just the regular ring isn't cutting it for me. I have made a long range goal of mastering the crochet in the round by the end of the month. I didn't think I gave myself enough time but now that I got the rows worked out, I might just make that goal. However, I reallllllly want to get with making my first Amigurumi!!!

Happy New Year ... 2009

I was rereading a portion of 'Captivating' and realized that I need to let God romance me more. I have delighted in Him but when it comes to my aloneness and my heart, I fail to let Him heal and fill it up. No wonder I am often questioning what He is doing. So I think this year's theme will be about being Romanced by an Everlasting Love - Jer 31:3.

Funny, I think aloneness should be a word but every time I spell check, the dictionary questions it. Maybe I should substitute the oneness that it offers as it is what I am trying to do with my aloneness...

FEAR NOT part II

I had a big message in my heart that I wanted to share with my family. I didn't want Christmas to go by without putting the focus on the real message. I had a 'sparrow message' for Thanksgiving that I put on white origami sparrows but did not speak aloud. I didn't want this to happen again because it was too big for my little heart to contain. This message was FEAR NOT. A couple of us with manufacturing jobs are wondering if or how long we will have a job. One bro is going to Central America for a week for his master's degree leaving wife and child home to fend for themselves. And all of us feel the uncertain times even though we have the HOPE. When every thing around you is quaking and moving, you still see it even when you are secure on the Solid Rock. So armed with my white origami Christmas trees with a different FEAR NOT verse on the back of each for each family member to read aloud, I was going to speak up.

I did speak up and a sister-in-law who's job was the most secure became a puddle just as the first verse was spoken. She was such a mess that she had to have my bro read Ethen's and her verse aloud. When all the verses where read, she said she had lost her job the previous Monday due to false accusations. My bro is on call back - five weeks or more of no work. We were beginning to wonder if she would have told us if I wouldn't have done this 'fear not' thing. It is amazing how God moves us. She said that everywhere she turns it is God telling her not to fear but to trust. I have been needing to put all the verses together and even some others and email them out so that everyone has the list of verses to fortify their life.

So here it goes:

Luke 2:10-11
''FEAR NOT for behold, I bring you good tidings of Great Joy which will be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.''

Luke 12:32-34
''FEAR NOT, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the Kingdom. ...a treasure in Heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.''

Luke 12:6-7 (sparrows)
''Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of them is forgotten before God. ... FEAR NOT therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.''

Isa 43:1-4
''FEAR NOT, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. ... since you are precious and honored in My sight, and because I love you.''

Ps 118:6-9
''The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
The Lord is with me; He is my Helper.
I will look triumph on my enemies.
It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in man.
It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in princes.
[
Ps 56:4
''In God, Whose Word I praise,
in God I trust; I will fear not.
What can mortal man do to me?
[
Heb 13:5-6
''God has said,
Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you. (deut 31:6)
So we say with confidence,
The Lord is my Helper; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?'' (ps 118:6-7)

Isa 44:8
''Do not tremble. FEAR NOT.
Did I not proclaim this and foretell it long ago?
You are My witnesses. Is there any God besides Me?
No, there is no other Rock; I know not one.''

Rom 8:15
''For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, Abba, Father.''

Isa 35:3-4
''Strengthen the feeble hands,steady the knees that give way;
say to those with fearful hearts,
'Be strong, FEAR NOT;
your God will come,
He will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
He will come to save you.''

I John 4:16-17
''God is Love. Whoever lives in love lives in God and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judegement ... There is NO FEAR in love. But perfect love drives out fear ...''

I Tim 1:7
''For God did not give us the spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of sound mind.''

Rev 1:17-18
''FEAR NOT. I am the First and the Last. I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades.''
[
Rev 15:4
''Great and marvelous are Your Deeds,
Lord God Almighty.
Just and true are Your Ways,
King of Ages.
Who will not fear You, O Lord,
and bring glory to Your Name?
For You alone are Holy.
All nations will come
and worship before You,
for Your Righteous Acts have been revealed.''

I ended here with Dad saying a prayer for us. It was amazing to see God move and move us together in trials.

I do have to say that once I get a roll on laying out verses, more and more come and fit up against each other... so here I go adding some more verses because it is fine and dandy to say that I will lean but I need some action or I become immobile.

Here is my action plan:

Deut 29:29
''The secret things belong to the Lord our God,
but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever,
that we may follow all the words of this law.''

Deut 30:15, 19-20
''See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in His Ways, and to keep His Commands, Decrees and Laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess.

... I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to His Voice, and hold fast to Him. For the Lord is your life ...

fear not part I

wishes for 2009

to be more creative
I have the old standbys and favorite loves of my life like cross stitching, painting, and looming. I am adding yo-yo's! because they are quite easy and just another way to embellish! I have been wanting to make some really cute amigurumi toys but crocheting has been a real nemesis of mine.

I am a self-teacher because I can't find anyone who will teach me. I am at it again being too focused on trying to find easy pictures and instruction for my learning. I have to come up for air and let me tell you, it is not going very well. So here is to taking my time and try, try, try again.

I like learning new things and I have to watch to not forget my first loves and real passions - painting & writing. I want to expand my painting imagination and ability on glass. However, I do want to be more handmade in my gifts and yo-yo's looks like it will help in the area of hair bows and embellished clothes for a little niece of mine and just maybe the big niece might like some too. I love things small and amigurumi is just perfect for this tiny fetish. I guess my biggest hope that I can be well rounded in the creativity but play up my favorite passion as well.

With that I wish to make my creativity my profession or maybe just to have some pocket change or at least get my kitchen back to a more kitchen instead of being overrun by glass. So I am checking out esty.com and making plans! Hmmmm ...

to move more
I already walk every Saturday in the summer if it is a nice day. I do on occasion lift weights for a toned arm but now that I have two dance dvds I really need to use them! An old quote that I love is 'movement is medicine.'

to write more
Now we are talking. I have always loved the written word whether it is a book or blog. I like to write and have found that writing gets out all the pent up emotion and thought that started to bog me down. Not that I have morbid thoughts even thought they are present at times but even the good thoughts need to be expressed and even taken in by others. It is a form of encouragement.

I have been using google docs but I really want to get iWorks so that I can really get into writing and be organized about it without having to be online and have that distraction! I am waiting to see what the job front is doing because it is hard to fork out the mula when it could go for groceries or some other important bill.

Besides online I really need to figure out how I can be successful with my writing and do it. Maybe I need a more organized writer space or maybe I need to really create some writer habits to do every day or maybe I need to really put the focus on words. I have been making white origami & putting God's Words as a why to encourage others as well as myself...

to be Romanced more by God
I have already fallen more and more in love with Him so much so that I really want to dig into His Word and keep my eyes open and receive His Love. Psalms 45:1 & Jer 31:3

to embrace my life & fear not the constant companion of aloneness
Kinda enough said! I am so tired of this duel emotion of this want of teamwork and having to be alone. I have got to make this work! I dig a duet but having to sing alone? help! Anyway my focus is on the above - Romanced by an Everlasting Love.

to have an neat & organized home to promote more creativity
I am well on my way but I would love more storage and more organization. Being tidy and having a space for everything allows you to see all and coordinate things together that you would not have thought of at first. I like a creative imagination and this allows for adult play! It is not just for kids. Problem is that I need some good furniture for the bedroom especially but furniture is pricey and quality isn't found at the local department store. If I am honest my 'craft room' isn't just in the kitchen but there are parts of it everywhere!

fav reads of 2008

* ''The Last Lecture'' by Randy Pausch
Do you need a boost to get your focus back on your dreams and the stuff of importance? This is a must read!

* ''Meeting God at a Dead End'' by Ron Mehl
This is a favorite author of mine. When I began to get lost in October with the job mess, I got into this book. Great renewing of the mind stuff.

* ''Chronicles of Narnia''
Started to read the series and must continue to finish. I am not a big fan of science fiction but with the movies it helps to see it in your imagination as you read. I fell in love with the Lord of the Rings & these authors where friends, maybe I could fall in love with Narnia. Well, I didn't fall for Narnia like I have with the Rings, but a good read none the less!

fav hymns for 2008

* ''You are My Hiding Place'' - sounds haunting like Phantom of the Opera ( a chorus)
* ''Jesus, I am Resting, Resting''
* My Hope is Built on Nothing Less - nov
* ''I heard the Bells on Christmas Day'' by Henry W Longfellow - dec

and a little chorus:

Jesus has come & my cup overruns.
Oh, say that I'm glad, I'm glad.
Oh, say that I'm glad.

firsts of 2008

*1st pizza!
*1st photobook
*1st played on the Wii
*1st twitter entry - jul 26th
*1st stuffed cabbage - yum
*1st pear sauce & butter!
*1st loomed Christmas bell
*1st loomed tiny stocking
*1st loom snowman treat bag

highlights of 2008

*making several cute hats for Lucia on the loom - jan
*had major probs with my mac & loosing appleworks grr - mar
*felt an earthquake - apr
*scoffer epiphany - prov 22:10
*major cold & cough enough to take me out - may
*Tink, bro's dog, adopted into our brood w/ Bobby & Andy - jun
-->What make's you (or ______) successful? epiphany
*Wii adventures w/ mom - love tennis!
*Erica & Mitch's wedding - jul
*loss of online time because I really messed up my mac - jul
*Summer Olympics! the opening, US swimming, & US beachball!! - aug
--> 'Don't put an age on your dreams' Dana Torres
*Getting back with my old friend, my bike - aug
*got a new iMac!!!!
*an old friend came back who didn't want to hear my no - sad to say no but was the best thing to do - sep
-->no on the human level hurts but no in the Eternal realm is freeing!!!
*two sister company's merged into 1 - means I had to move offices and now share. - sep
*rearranged my livingroom! Love it better! more organized
*sparrows epiphany - FEAR NOT epiphany!!!!
*working with a bumper crop of pears -making pear sauce & pear butter - oct & nov
*'my HOPE is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood & righteousness'
*got to have two weeks vacation right at Christmas!!!!
*wondering if I will have a job....

fav tunes of 2008

* ''Somebody's Me'' by EI
* ''Miss You'' by EI
* ''Don't Forget about Me.'' by EI
* ''Learning How to Bend'' by Gary Allen
* ''Shattered'' (turn this car around) by o.a.r.
* ''Addicted'' by ...
* ''Gotta be Somebody'' by Nickelback

Like always give me a song that is all about lonely or broken hearts and I will tend to like it. My heart is a big fat feeler and very sappy - a good thing for empathy but for my personal heart aguish and pain, it is purely a very dark eery place. It is my heart standing front and center exhaling. Funny thing though is that hymns really feed my soul and happy reigns..

I am a country fan but this year not so many on the list! Hmmm ...

monthly thoughts of 2008

Jan: Is this living life abundant?
Feb: Bury seeds - Bloom Flowers
Mar: exceedingly, abundantly, beyond
Apr: you - Me - travel!
May: Conquer your brick wall!
Jun:stop trying -starting training!
Jul: The battle is the Lord's
Aug: HABOR LOVE
Sep: Prove faithful.
Oct: in God's hands
Nov: more valued than sparrows
Dec: FEAR NOT!!

fav movies of 2008

*Nim's Island
*Batman: the Dark Night
*Fireproof
*Australia

my 14,525th day

1. The 3 monkeys made for my little niece, nephew, and tween niece seemed to be a hit. The nephew was really giving his train monkey a workout! I hope my workmanship holds up to the wear and tear!

2. Made white origami Christmas tree name cards with a different 'fear not' verse on the back of each for each of us to read aloud because I wanted to encourage each family member that we are not given the spirit of fear. Bravo! I didn't chicken out. However, a lot of tears as the sister-in-law whose job was the safest out of the lot was lost past Monday due to false accusations. She has been getting a lot of fear not and trust God messages. I had Dad follow up with prayer. It has been amazing to exhale as a family and see how God has been working in our lives.

3. Added 3 lip goo to my collection! Plus, a really simple patriotic stationary ... hmm, maybe I should start writing long hand!

great gain ...

God-ways + contentment = great gain
I Tim 6:6

I ran across this verse earlier in this Christmas season and was thinking how it was an important thought to teach the little ones. In the following verses it talks about be content with the food and clothing and at this time of pinching everything for all its worth, shouldn't the simple things instead of toys and gadgets make us content?

Last night I was reading God's Word for some mental renewing as I was feeling a bit frustrated. Aloneness has been a long time companion even as I try to make homey traditions that one usually does with a little brood of a family and I find my heart always a bit wanting at this time of year. I want contentment to be very deep seated in my life and I wonder if I will ever achieve it.

Why isn't shelter - shelter of family and friends - added here in this passage? It is simple and it is not a toy or gadget. I know this kind of shelter is important as other passages point to like being friendly in Proverbs 18:24 and like be courteous as we are heirs together in I Peter 3:7-8 and like being knitted together in Col 2:2. I know I failed terribly in the sheltering part last night and even as I saw being neglected by others, I didn't get it until I got into my cold jeep and made way to my small quiet home.

I have a mental picture of the man of the house coming home and the wife greeting him as a king coming home to his kingdom. That wife knows deeply in her heart that she wants him to feel welcomed and safe here so that it is a no brainer that when things are tough and heart wrenching out there that he chooses to home and her than work or another woman every time. So why aren't I developing another picture to work out for the knitted heirs? Shouldn't I treat each moment even when I am physically or emotionally hurting as royal moments?

Teamwork is extremely important to me but it involves two or more - again here I have couple thoughts and motives yet I have a lone life. {Sighs} Anyways as I seek contentment, a wish I have is teamwork in my life as I think it would give me the encouragement I long for .... hmmm, another wish!

Great gain ÷ by God-Ways = contentment
Is this a valid ? a thinker ...

God is not dead nor doth He sleep...

I was loom knitting my first Christmas bells earlier in the month and as I was amazed at how well they turned out, some of the words from a beloved Christmas Hymn came to mind. "God is not dead nor doth He sleep ... peace on earth, good-will to men''. I was trying to recall all the words from the hymn when from the back of the darken memory halls came the thought that this hymn was written in the time of war. Was it WWII? I would search for more info when I got online but it was dark and the Christmas lights were twinkling, bedtime was here, and my heart was very moved thinking how much hope is there was in hearing Christmas Bells. God is not dead to the quaking hearts of man even in war or financial darkness. I prayed with heavy heart for those of us facing turbulent times at work and possible no work in the near future and I prayed with a very light heart because of the HOPE in God who cares for little old me and for all those who SEEK Him.

When I did get online to find the words to this beloved hymn, I found out that it was a poem written by a beloved American poet. It wasn't WWII but the American Civil war on Christmas Day 1864. More info found that Henry had just received news that his son was injured in battle and he also had lost his wife to a fire accident two years prior. This man had so much darkness and despair in his heart and he let it bubble out onto the written page and with it his faith and hope in God poured out too. It still rings out today in any kind of pain or loss or desperation. Let the Christmas Bells ring out in the chambers of your heart today and year 'round!

Christmas Bells by Henry W Longfellow

I HEARD the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along
The unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Till ringing, singing on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime,
A chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Then from each black, accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
And with the sound
The carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

It was as if an earthquake rent
The hearth-stones of a continent,
And made forlorn
The households born
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And in despair I bowed my head;
"There is no peace on earth," I said;
"For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men."

FEAR NOT!!!

Instead of resolutions I choose a theme for each year as a way to seek God on something that I would like to enrich in my life. It isn't about change or self-help but rather seeking and having God-Help in my life. Some years I don't have a theme and what is cool is that God brings a theme into my life just like He did this year.

Towards the beginning of the year the whisper of ~fear not~ began. I saw it in that God never has told us to be discouraged or defeated. He is always saying to ~fear not and to take heart~! I just want to shout because it moved me so. Then September hit me like a freight train on a frantic mission of speed and evil - an old relationship tried to come back and the combining of two companies then with the $markets in a tailspin, I had feelings of sadness and wonderings. God sent in the sparrows so that I could hear His ~fear not~. My strength was renewed and I want to spread it to my family as each of us is affected since 3 of us have manufacturing jobs.

I am so thankful to have these two weeks off here in December even if it is because my place of work is teetering on the unknown. I have been on the go for so long and so fast, this calm is so welcomed and enjoyed. I do not know what January holds but I shout back that God took care of me with one job loss, He will take care of me in this one.

Who knows, maybe there will be a new beginning in work that I am passionate about! Last time God gave me the gift of JOY. So all I can be is excited and expectant for what He will bring!

I do feel frustrated when I see the men in my life get bogged down by the pressures of work and their loss of providing for their loved ones. I know this is crucial in a man's life so how does a girl reflect this ~fear not~ message into a man's life? I don't know but to quietly express it and convey to them how good they are in the providing. God will be showing me the way of encouraging because I seek ...

I am making a list of ~fear not passages from His Word. Try it! I using the Blue Letter Bible.com to do my study.

'The Lord Himself goes before you
& will be with you;
He will never leave you nor forsake you.
Do not be afraid;
Do not be discouraged.'
Deut 31:8

'For I the Lord thy God will hold your right hand,
saying unto thee, FEAR NOT;
I will help thee.'
Isa 41:13

'FEAR NOT for I have redeemed thee,
I have called thee by thy name;
thou art Mine.'
Isa 43:1

'Wait on the Lord,
Be of Good Courage
& He will strengthen thine heart ♡'
Ps 27:14

'I, even I, am He
Who comforts you.
Who are you to be afraid of mortal man?'
Isa 51:12

'The Lord will not allow the righteous soul to famish.'
Prov 10:3

'.. if God is for us, who can be against us?'
Rom 8:31

'The Lord gives strength to His people;
the Lord bless His people with peace.
Ps 29:11

'Look to the Lord
& His Strength;
Seek His Face always.
Remember the Wonders He has done,
His Miracles & the judgements He pronounced.'
Ps 105:4-5

'Rejoice in Christ Jesus
& have NO confidence in the flesh.'
Phil 3:3

'For God has NOT given us the spirit of fear,
but of POWER, and of LOVE, and of a SOUND MIND.'
II Tim 1:7

'And when I saw Him, I fell at His feet as dead.
And He laid His Right hand upon me, saying unto me,
FEAR NOT; I am the First and the Last.'
Rev 1:17

'Who shall not fear Thee, O Lord,
and glorify Thy Name?
For Thou only art Holy:
for all nations shall come and worship before Thee;
for Thy judgements are made manifest.'
Rev 15:4

So quake on earth, I SHALL NOT BE MOVED!

Merry Christmas & FEAR NOT!

FEAR NOT for behold,
I bring you Good Tidings of Great Joy
which will be to all people.
For there is born to you this day in the city of David
a SAVIOR, who is Christ the Lord.'
Luke 2:10-11

secret things vs. revealed things

I have been wanting closure then taking it back on a friendship with someone who was very important to me. There was no fight only long talks which have left me with a lot of good memories. This person left. I have spent 4 years trying to close the door. I would love to have a final conversation so I can get rid of him but honestly I would rather he come back. So I sorta want a closure but don't want to. I hate ugly and friendship endings are always ugly.

A warning: When you seek, you better be ready for an answer! God has given in Deut 29:29 my closure. I do not have to trust man's lame excuses. I can still pray for this person and still cherish him without getting mean and upset with him when and if I would get the chance. So I will take God's closure and know that He is at work and working out His Best for me and more importantly 'THROUGH' me. Just maybe this friendship I had wasn't His Best for me but rather maybe what I did or what we talked about helped and just maybe is continuing to echo His Word into this person's life. I did write a boat load of letters via snail mail and email. (Talking too much is probably the reason he vanished!)

The secret things belong to the Lord our God,
but things revealed belong to us
& to our children forever,
that me may follow all the words
of the law.
Deut 29:29

Ahhh, yes! The secret things belong to the Lord my God. This special person and his vanishing act belong to the Lord, never for me to understand or to know until God decides to reveal it to me even when my heart pipes up from the back and shouts out about Proverbs and the message there that understanding and wisdom are very important things to achieve in my life. I then have to calm my quaking heart with ''those who know God's Name will put their trust in God; for God the Lord have not forsaken those who SEEK HIM.'' (ps 9:10) By seeking God and His Word things revealed are before me to follow and obey. Obeying God is expressing my love to Him and in return obedience brings blessing - disobedience brings punishment.

I have enough revealed things to keep my heart and me very busy!

secret things:
*vanishing act by a very dear one

revealed things:
* a list of must haves so I will recognize the one
* a more God-confident me with more God-confidence to go
* I truly loved someone else - a work that I wanted to do forever
* fearing not a single hood future no matter what age... {hard swallow}
* if I have that 'fear' about something, I will speak up & not stuff it down
ie: his leaving - I knew he would leave but never told him this.
* Proverbs 18:1 & 24 - wrong to be insular - must show yourself friendly BUT if it doesn't work, if you love & love is denied in return there is SOMEONE WHO IS A FRIEND WHO STICKS CLOSER THAN A BROTHER. Jesus Christ loves me and will never forsake me! AMEN!

sugar plums!

I am offffff of work for two whole weeks! I did start a day early because of not paying certain vendors due to the lack of money flow out there so it took a ton of time to go through 3 weeks worth of invoices and then to delete the 'checks' from the check run. I also filed and received some nice and painful paper cuts as the files are full. We will go back to do inventory then it should get interesting. But as of these two weeks I will spend just how I like - being creative and festive! I have many projects that I want to get at and accomplish - probably too many! Some of those projects is to get Shutterfly to work w/ the transfer on the new iMac. Don't know why it won't work! Plus, getting logged into Shutterfly takes ages. Then I need to write here in llj and also need to write a some letters and update the resume. I got to look now for a new job. Maybe this is the time to go into something that really fuels my soul!!!

I have already spent many of my nights being festive with what things I have around the house. I have always loved the idea of having glass ornament bulbs in a bowl or tall glass cylinder. I don't have the regular sized bulbs so instead I used miniature sparkling water glass bottles I had. I liked so I fill some baskets with the tiny blue wine bottles I had. Yes, I have a ton of glass in my house! Good thing I don't have the huge quakes they have in Cali! Anyways, I would like to get into some glitter and Christmas origami too. I have an idea about 'fear not' that I need to collect 'fear not' verses. I want to somehow share it with my family.

Ahh, I have soooo many visions of sugar plums dancing in my head! ♬

Australia !

I would give this movie a rating of 10. Unfortunately, I am just getting around to writing about it since I did see this movie Thanksgiving Day where I did get both my mom and dad to go see it. (My own life has been weary and too fast. It is frustrating to be over loaded at work with layoffs and the fear of no job in the future. Mixed messages. So my thoughts go on whirling away without being able to jot them down and exhale through writing. I must remedy!)

This movie is full of tragedy and triumph. So it might be possible that you might need to bring a kleenx even though I did not shed a tear. I have decided that I did have tear leakage was because I have had enough crying over a man from down under. Why cry when here I could drink in all that this movie could give me and where I could delight in what Aussie knowledge I did know. See America is my home but Australia is a second most favorite place. You know you have places you would like to go see and then come home. You just want to experience it for a time. Then I believe there are places that you have love ones in where you want to experience a place because of them. You want to see what this place that has effected them even shaped them. This is what Australia is to me. I want to know and someday be able to experience this place as if I was there living. It would make me feel closer to him - to wear his shoes and travel his path a bit ... to understand.

I was most excited about knowing as much Australia as I did like the boab poison tree and Aussie words like digger (Aussie solder) etc. I even had heard about the Kimberly's before seeing the movie. I even knew where Darwin was on the Aussie map. I think I have always had an interest in Australia and it first began with words - I discovered an Aussie dictionary where I preceded to photocopy it so I could have a personal copy! Then I developed some friendships (even had a set up group date in college with the lone aussie there. Funny, I don't think we even talked to each other. However, now days I would know exactly what to say and he probably would run away thinking I was very much a crazy yank!) Now days I keep in touch with Australia or a certain place in Australia by a local paper there and by weather maps.

Here I am talking about everything but the movie! Well, the movie takes place in WWII. A British lady goes to Australia to bring her husband back home. She seems so prim and proper that you are surprised that she quickly feels the pain in others. Oh, how I love her grit! She is a fighter! Not the verbal kind but a fighter for what is right! Like our own history with the American Indians, Australia has history with the Aboriginal people. What I like most is that she fights for the underdog even if she is messy in her way. She throws out culture even though she is high bred. What is most important is the person. Well, through it all, she falls in love with Australia. Oh yes, there is a love story here! Got to have in an epic!

Baz Luhrnmanm - creator and director of Australia says, ''You cannot really possess anything; not land, not a person, not a child. All that you do possess at the end of your life is your story.'' There is truth here but there is more truth that is missing here. All that you possess at the end of your life is your story, but you have the choice to possess His Word and Everlasting Life. Having His Word keeps me going when I know I cannot keep a friendship with a fellow believer down under. Even when my story has an unraveling when he up and vanished is a big reminder that that stories do intertwine... and come undone. Own your story. Choose Everlasting Life. Own His Word. Because when you arrive on Heaven's Shore, God the Master Story Teller will show you your story and how it intertwined and affected other stories that you did not know like in "It's a Wonderful Life.''

sighs....

LIFE!

After having a very heated argument over pro-life or pro-choice, God has been bring life/death situations and His Word to my attention. Like the a father in England emailing his children in the States about his choosing the assisted suicide in Sweden and having it viewed on the web for all to see. A previous assisted suicide was either a soccer or ruby player also of England who was paralyzed at the neck down and decide it wasn't worth living anymore. Just sad. I have to give a disclaimer here. I am very empathic and what I mean is that I lean in and listen to people's life stories and passions. Then I try on their shoes and walk in their path. So life to me isn't a cheap and easy answer.

A co-worker told me about her husband's fast moving cancer that claimed his life in a matter of 11 months! I couldn't help but have some private and personal questions about how much I would do to save my life if I was facing a cancer monster. Would I go through all the 'treatments' to have it claim my life anyways? Then I felt very conflicted over these suicides..

Then God reminded me of His Blessing for us when we choose life. ''See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the LORD your God, to walk in His Ways, and to keep His commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the LORD your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess. But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed. You will not live long in the land you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess. This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to His Voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life, and He will give you many years in the land He swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. ~Duet 30:15-20 No it isn't easy but remember God has given us Joni who after a diving accident that broke her neck leaving her paralyzed to this day. It has not been easy yet she choose life! I will have to dig out her book but I do think she thought of ending it all. Not so anymore. Look at the blessing God has poured into her life!

Now if I can harbor this Word in my heart so that it flows out naturally when an old friend calls me, maybe she will see God and see how precious life truly is ....

A little side note that in a way fits here because choosing life is obeying .. I found a recent saying that I wish I had in my growing up years. 'Obedience brings blessing. Disobedience brings punishment.' Do you know that the best way to love God is to obey?

seek & you shall find ...

As I am wanting closure to a relationship and taking it back again and as I have taken stock of my own personal growth, could it be that instead of asking for understanding and getting none that I should be asking for wisdom? Proverbs is all about Wisdom but it is also about understanding. So I am a little confused at where I am going with this.

I want understanding about a relationship disappearance but I highly doubt I will ever get that understanding. So how is asking for wisdom any better? Maybe as being a single girl who is unique and whole, I should act like it and the wisdom might just fall into place with Psalms 9:10 ''.. those who know Your Name will put their trust in You; for You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.'' Seeking His Right Ways and doing them is doing God's Will. It is solid no second guessing. I think I have gotten distracted by asking what shall I do questions and going by what I felt... than actually stopping the questions and do what God requires of me. He made it sooooo plain and obvious! Then the stuff of earth won't confuse me and the stuff of emotions won't give way.

''I love those who love Me, and those who seek Me diligently will find Me,'' says Wisdom (prov 8:17) So how do you seek so that you will find overflowing treasure? God's Word! - the best Love Letter ever...

whole!

I was listening to a lady speaker on BNN who used the definition of single as separate, unique, & whole. This thought coupled with the thought of wondering if I could be 'confident' of who I am with no striving whatsoever if I would happen to be in a male relationship - have I learned to be happy with me and my God-Placement without wanting more or companionship?

Sighs. I think I am tainted because of a relationship that I had that was so good but is gone without closure. Right now I am so waffling between so many questions without any answers. All I have is talking back 'I shall not want' to 'forget what lies behind and lay hold to what lies ahead' but my heart keeps looking back ... I cannot be a Lot's wife.... God has too much good for me to want lest than the best....

{Shhh heart .. you don't know if what you had was the best....}

snowy calm ...

It is Saturday and the calendar says December. The snow is flying and the temp has dipped into the teens and twenties. This Christmas is promising to be calmer and more about the home as the work is rocketing downwards. I have the last two weeks off and I am lucky to have 7 days of holiday pay for it. Then back to work to finish inventory. After that I am not sure what will happen. It doesn't look good and the fear at work is beginning to show.

I am thankful for the time off this month and will take it to make things I have been wanting to make. I am also going to spend it organizing my personal life to make it more productive. I have Christmas gifts I attend to make and I really need to some creative brainstorming for the possible job loss ahead. I have really wanted to write and feel so lacking because it has been about work and surviving at such a fast pace. That is why I am so looking forward to slowing down.

Today has been so picture perfect every time I look outside. Snow flying, homes lit up, music playing, kids making snow angles - night falls and the snow still flies...

Thanksgiving Sparrows ...

I had this overwhelming need to Thank God for Sparrows and I wanted to share with the whole family. There are little ones around the table and not enough quiet to share. I am not one that feels comfortable leading and need someone to start. So after looking at my origami books, I folded a sparrow for each family member with their name on the front as a name card and then put Scripture references (II Tim 1:7, Isa 43, Luke 12) with a verse out of Luke 12 written out ' Do not FEAR therefore, you are of more value than many sparrows '. When the table was cleared I made sure I tucked the sparrows in their personal belongings just encase they might want to have it as a reminder for later...

Here is a letter I got from little bro:

Sis,
I have been meaning to get this email off to you...
With everything going on at the dinner table (Lucia and Ethen) I did not get a chance to express how special I think the sparrows you made are. I am not sure if each had a different verse, but mine seemed personalized. Thank you for the time and energy that you put into them and ultimately put into our family. Family is important. I know it may not always seem that I think that, but I do. It gets difficult juggling fatherhood, husbandhood, studenthood, child-of-Godhood, and brotherhood, and sonhood. I think hearing what you expereinced at Paul's viewing and then the ackwardness I felt at Wilma's viewing and then standing in the hospital hearing the doctor tell Grandma Erma the end of her life is near, has got me thinking about the importance of family.
I love you!
little bro

Yes!!!! So here was my opportunity to share more ...

Dear little bro,
Thank you for sharing with me about your thoughts on my thanksgiving sparrows.  I have so much to say and have no outlet to do these little creative things of bearing witness to God.  I am not a mom nor did I want to be but of recent I have been having 'mom' thoughts and been figuring out how I would bear witness of God to kids and others.  There is something to the reason of those thanksgiving sparrows...

In September my world began to change.  Consolidating two companies meant that I had to give up my very small windowless office where I felt very secure and at peace with my little world.  I could listen to BNN and get my fill of God's Word and hymns.  On the outside it was a numbers world but on the inside I  was just a growing in my sure Foundation, the Rock.  I got word that I would be moving to a bigger office with one whole wall of window and that I would be sharing it with another.  I didn't like this new info one bit.  I already had one experience with an office mate and I didn't want another.  I also was worried that BNN wouldn't come in or that it would offend the office mate.  My office is right by the water cooler and everybody would say 'how do you rate with a big office and a window to boot!'  I would get so mad because having a window isn't the most important thing on my mind!  Grrrrrr....

Then in the still of the afternoon sparrows would come and peck around by the window.  It was God telling me that I was important and special even when changes make you feel less important.  The day before the big news of the 8% pay cut, the sparrows were again at the window.  Again God was saying look at those sparrows and see that they do not worry about food or clothes.  I am more value than these special little birds and God will provide.  He has taken me through one job loss and He will take me through another. Today the news is even more bleaker but in Hebrews 10 & 11 it says: ' without FAITH it is impossible to please Him! ' & 'do not cast away your Confidence, which has great reward.'  It doesn't mean I don't feel scared but I am right back standing tall and talking back with God's Word, Promise, & Blessing to the enemy!  

I always try to have a yearly theme and sometimes I don't start the year with one in mind like this year.  God has given me one:  FEAR NOT! So I have begun to throw away the spirit of timidity and I am trying to be bold in speaking out with encouragement.    I think it is my gift even when I don't feel it is going anywhere.... like with the thanksgiving sparrows so HUGE HUG and thank you for giving me a vote of confidence with the birds.  (Do you know that God never tells us to fear anything but He Himself?  He is always saying to fear not and to take courage.)

What is amazing with God's Word that is so different with man's words is that it is given to all of us but it is personalized for each individual.  I can use His Word to pray for others and to encourage even when I don't know what someone else might be facing or going through.  So whenever you see sparrows or any bird for that matter and hear their songs, you the child of the King can sing for all your little heart can pump out!  Reading all of Hebrews 11 you will see that we are longing for a homeland not here, a heavenly country.  We are not alone.  We are surrounded by such a huge family - not just the ones written in the Bible but those of us here and loved ones far away and ones freshly on Heaven's shore.  We are all connected even when it feels like we are so alone...  Keep running the race with the sparrow's song fresh on your heart and mind and your soul will soar!

To Thanksgiving Sparrows!

always sis

lame duck ..

ARgh! This is a calmer more my style of dealing with a conversation with an old high school friend who is Vietnamese and doesn't believe that God should be in every part of your life. She wants to talk politics and faith yet will not listen so the talk gets very elevated so much so that I told her that she had better change the subject more than one time before she finally did so. I dread her calls because it is such a fight. The only time I truly enjoyed our talk was the last time she talked about Nicholas Sparks because she fell in love with his books... So here is my cathartic response if I could since I am such a lame duck when it comes to 'fighting'.

I am sorry but my vote is my vote and I have the right to keep it to myself as this is a basic right that the government has given me. I don't even have to share with you what party I favor. Voting is my choice not what I think people in general might think or choose. My vote is not limiting the general thinking; it is just a vote of my choice in the direction I think and want my country to follow. I do not care if the general thinking that a woman has a right to choose whether or not to kill her baby by calling it abortion. It is my choice to honor life because God created life and like a master creating a masterpiece that masterpiece had better reflect the master. That is how I see life. I will not go with the general thinking that about pro-choice. I will honor God and respect life. I tried very hard to show you all aspect of this issue. Funny how you agreed with me that abortion was a selfish choice yet you continue to your barrage of it is the general thinking. Thinking about this makes me think you were trying to make me feel bad about my choice. When I could get no where with you, I told you that you had better change the subject. I do not 'fight' well at all because I come from a 'feelers' place or maybe I should say empathic. I am all over with my points and cannot make it tight and convincing. After I had the holiday weekend to feel upset and bad about the conversation, a radio preacher repeated a point that we christians tend to fight the symptoms instead of pointing to the solution. I told God that I don't understand why I keep failing with this old friend. Why else is she always calling me? Isn't God waiting to bear witness of Him to her?

I wish I could tell her that I refuse to strive with her because it is wrong for me to be of quarrelsome manner. No fire. No wood! I don't know how to pack pleasant words because she is always high pitch and I cannot function at that level. I don't know how to steer the conversation in such a matter that it doesn't focus on worldly symptoms but focus on the God-Solution. I know that my vote is not a solution but rather a voice of how I would like my government to be run. Remember this is suppose to be the government by the people and for the people but my vote is and will be govern by what I feel will honor God the most. It must not honor man. The founding fathers gave us the right to vote and they based every part of this government on God and His Word! This whole thing about faith and founding fathers would be lost on her because she Vietnamese and they believe in god through honoring dead relatives. I know she asks me about my politics and my faith because she doesn't know and understand and wants to - like she is always asking me English grammar. She isn't afraid to try with English but when it comes to politics and faith, she wants to be like others in general and I feel and know that politics and especially faith is personal. I really just need to be a lighthouse...

I kind of have a running conversation with God about having someone to hone my 'fighting' skills with. See, I used to have a great someone in my life who really knew how to bring out my thinking without getting me in a meltdown contention. That someone left and then I found a great book called Quiet Leadership that really helped me with myself but turning toward others, I am finding it harder to switch on even though I love asking question which is the whole point of Quiet Leadership where you ask questions to honor their thinking yet you make them do all the work so that you don't tell them what to do which I loathe so others would loathe too. Anyways that someone I think would have been a good one to practice with because he already has it without reading the book!

Maybe I am to forget about honing my fighting skills and be the lighthouse. Lighthouse never saved the day. It only shines -warning of danger....

Still figuring it out....

my thank yous '08

* sparrows * My work life has been in much turmoil and there has been a lot of changes. I had a very small windowless office where I could work quietly and listen to BBN. Here I could feed my soul on God and do a good job. Now I share a bigger office with a window. I hated the commits of how do I rate and wow, you are lucky to have a window. Those things are not important. Rather a quiet and team spirit work space is what I want. Then the sparrows began to gather in the afternoons reminding me that God cares for me. * pears * Dad has one pear tree that gave a ton of fruit this year. I have been making pear sauce and pear butter. Love it because this is something I can eat. * God's Word * I have fallen more in love with His Word. Whenever I am struggling or even in good times, there is such comfort in His Words. * the boys * The fury boys! My PUPINATORS! Tink has joined Bobby and Andy and even though he is the one boy out, it has been successful for him to be at home with my parents and the boys. Tink knows he is loved and even with his barking when someone leaves, he is a joy. * Friday shopping w/ my Mom * I cherish these times with my Mom. I could not do without. She is a great Mom and a great friend. * my parents * I love them both and this year I have seen my Dad blossom with enjoying what he has done. This turns into respect for guys and it has been great fun to see it in him. Dad has gone Fireproof with Mom and I. I totally dig it. We might even go see Australia w/ Dad in tow. I love spending time with them both. * my bros & their fams * I am an Aunt thanks to my bros. It is fun to see them as fathers and it is cool to see myself/ family traits in their children. I love it when my bros talk about God. It is encouragement to know they are on a God-Journey. * my job * Even though this job is about numbers and I am about words, I have used my patterns and organization to really take on my job. There are changes that are suggested to come to past. Not happy that my hard work to make my job fast and efficient will be overlooked - I made my job easier once and I can do it again. I am trying to take what I have learned from making my job work for me and translate it to my creative home and dream job. * God * He has proven Himself over and over again. I am precious (Isa 43) to Him. Love that...

Ps 147:1
Praise the Lord!
For it is good to sing praises to our God;
for it is pleasant,
and praise is beautiful.

2 bros ...

I learned a good thing about one bro and a worrisome thing about the other. We had a birthday celebration going on last Sunday and while the others where in the back with the grandchildren, I started a conversation with little bro. I am so hungry for depth and meaningful conversation and in the past little bro has been a good ally. Not so much these days as his life has taken off in other directions and there is no need for a big sis butting into his biz. The conversation did get a bit heated because it got into politics and he was all up in this book by John Grisham and CONSPIRACY THEORIES. He probably thinks I am heated over the fact that he didn't vote but I can't do anything about that. What really makes me livid is that he let some CONSPIRACY THEORY effect his decision or lack of decision making skills. I spent the last 8 years in prayer and turmoil over negative media reports to know that if I give into that negative depressive mostly wrong garbage that I have let the enemy in. I have the control to shut out this trash. I have been on this kick this year that God has never ever stated in His Love Letter to us that we should be depressed, discouraged, deflated, indecisive, afraid, or timid. Instead He has repeated over and over in word and story that we are NOT to be afraid but to be encouraged or of good courage or not to be afraid. Sunday night listening to Joyce Meyer, I got the verse to top this line of thought. II Timothy 1:7 states ''for God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power, love, and SOUND MIND.'' WooooWeeeee, I spent the next two days on my little soap box a shouting!!! Just need some amens... I wanted to restart this discussion with little bro. He made mention that he had asked for direction from God and didn't get it. This is worrisome because what was he listening for? Did he want his gut pacified? And where was he listening for God? Did he read the Bible until he found the encouragement he needed?

Middle bro walked into the conversation and little bro had left the room. Middle bro began to share that his preacher was talking about the power of prayer and the need for it to surround the President. I told bro that GWB probably had the biggest prayer support than any other president. Bro said yes, but when the war and all the negative media began, the prayer warriors got fickle and stopped and so did the help surrounding GWB. We don't pay attention to the powers of darkness because our eyes are veiled. Wait till we get to Heaven and God shows us the prayer (light) and the powers of darkness. We will be filled with shame and sadness that we where not stronger. God wants us to pray and He uses our prayer to destroy the evil. We have more 'prayerpower' then we know.

I was disappointed and standing on a soap box for one bro while the other bro encouraged me by his disclosure about prayer. He says he prays on his way to work every day and that he was convicted to change his praying from his want list to prayers that effect his world.

Q's
How much time do you spend praying? Isn't our relationship with God a relationship? Doesn't a relationship require two people talking? Doesn't prayer mean our talking to God? Doesn't reading the Bible mean it is God talking to us? Does your prayer time out weigh your Bible reading? At the very least shouldn't your Bible reading equal time with your prayer? Are you listening for God to speak to you? Shouldn't you be listening to God's voice via the WORD?

Are You not ...?

I always love a good outline for a letter. Letters are important way to communicate. You are alone with your thoughts and you are forming thought into words and trying to reach out. Prayer is like letter. Ravi pointed out that Johoshaphat's prayer took on a form and questioned what we would put into our letter/prayer to God.

~II Chronicles 20:1-30 for your own read~

Dear God,
Are You not _____________?
Did You not _____________?
Will You not _____________?
from me.

I love having something to chew on and this really makes you think and seek out God in His Word. It makes you look at the Great Stories of Promise and Blessing and pull them into your life. It is 'talking back' the Word. It is putting your faith on the line and then seeing God work His way in your life.

love's experience ...

There she is going through the motions of her day with old cds playing in the background of love found and love lost. Questions start piling up. Do boys really fall in love where they can't live without their girl? Do boys get messed up over love lost? She watches a tv show only for the relationship of the boy and the girl who are married. They have such a lovely relationship. This week showed more intensely the boy's side of love. Tears where streaming down the girl's face as she watched the pain the boy was going through and how he didn't want to leave his girl. Can boys really feel this way? Then there are those love lost songs that boys sing. Her favorite singers are boys. She loves the male voice. And when they belt out a song that is ripping their hearts out over some girl, she wonders if this is really true for them to feel this way. Guys write this stuff, don't they? They sing it and if they are convincing wouldn't they feel it deeply? Can boys really feel this way?

Sadly, this girl's heart has been broken a long bit ago and clearly hasn't found a way to believe again. She is angered by this yet she can't let go of what was. There was no reason, no closure, no understanding. Over and over again she has asked for Ultimate Wisdom and still feels the need to hold on ... for a return or for closure.

She has a lot of good memories and none bad except the vanishing. She can't enjoy the good memories but rejection hurts so badly. Funny thing is that she holds on the experience because it is her way of relating to connection and marriage in her way. She feels that longing and desire and the only way for her to have and to hold is to use this a little bit of experience and live it. She isn't living in the past but using the experience to relate to her now. What would she do in this situation? See, she is empathic - always living in other's shoes. She is a feeler. Having this experience of once upon a time, she lives singles and married of sorts. It is that caring for a man bit that she harbors. If a boy won't let her, she will still do it...

So maybe that is why closure hasn't come to her and maybe in her little heart of hers, closure would be shutting the door leaving her to fend for herself in the single world again where she really feels like a fish without a bowl.

{sighs}

stuffed cabbage ...

Feeling under the weather and not liking it a bit, I am trying anything natural to get over this. I so do not want to make a trip into the doc for this. It would be the second time this year if I do. What really makes me mad is that I don't get sick very often and this blows my very good record. I swear it is the bosses at work that get this powerful bug and pass it along to me.

My colds effect my throat because for some reason it goes down the back of my mouth instead of draining through the nose. However, it both ways this time. I lost my voice in May and I am well on my this time. I went into the ugly cough today. It is a cough that I can't stop and then it goes into the upchucking mode. It isn't good when I go to church with this. Last May I am trying to stifle the cough and I pulled a muscle on my right side and it is still there because it gets uncomfortable to lay on that side. Oh well!

I heard Bonnie Hunt say something about onions or onion soup - I think it was her and I think it was onions! It is suppose to help with the cold. Well, I have dumped a ton of them on my food tonight. I do feel much better than last night.

I got home early today and decided to make stuffed cabbage since I can't have stuffed peppers. It took a bit of time to make them but they are in the crock pot for tomorrow. I hope they turn out well. I did add pear to the meat mixture and barley instead of the forbidden rice. Martha said to use a granny smith apple but I have pears and more pears so what would be the difference? It just adds a bit of sweetness to it.

I am trying to take care of me! I want to feel better this weekend because I have pears and washing to do among other things like writing!

like protecting...

The Protector

You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.
Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.
You are an excellent listener with almost infinite patience.
You have complex feelings, and you take great care to express them.

In love, you see relationships as an opportunity to connect and grow.
You enjoy relationships when they are improving and changing. You can't stand stagnation.

At work, you stay motivated and happy... as long as you are working toward a dream you support.
You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

How you see yourself: Hardworking, ethical, and helpful

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Manipulative, weak, and unstable

Hmm, interesting. I see this as true about me but the shocker is the last statement! I could see people having the notion that I might be stuck up so I have resorted to telling them that I am thinking when I am quiet and the eyes take on an intensity that looks like anger but is only way deep in thought. Manipulative? I go my own way and think my own thoughts so much so that stubborn is more descriptive. Unstable? Wow! I have begin to say that I need time to think but unstable? I am emotional and a feeler. So maybe then but I am pretty much set in my thoughts even though I might weigh other thoughts.... oops, maybe that is showing instability! lol

Pretty interesting test!

family taboo ...

I have been having some debate with myself about my personality and what I should do about this alone existence that I seem to have but I am finding that it runs in the family. It is just me though that has to deal with it alone while other members of my family have mates and families of their own.

Going to the funeral of my Dad's cousin helped shed some light onto this sentry-on-the-out-skirts of type of feeling my mother and I have voiced aloud to each other. My Dad and his cousin have some Kenny Roger looks so you know they are related but our families never got together unless it is a funeral. I remember my mother telling me when I was going to junior high that I would be meeting a girl my age with the same last name as mine. (My last name is uniquely spelled and not common.). Mom said there was some taboo in the family and that our families didn't get together to do things. She never said that I couldn't be friends either. However, this girl ran a bit hard and was in the popular group. I was always aware of her but she never seemed to be aware of me until standing beside each other in line practicing our graduation walk where she remarked that it was funny that we didn't meet until then. A year latter I got an obituary of her death from my mom while I was at college. She was an only child and when I got back home to see her grave site, you could tell her parents where not taking it well. I have always felt bad around them that she was gone while I was still here. In recent years as my grandpa, grandma, and grandpa's brothers including my Dad's cousin's father died, the mom would always make feel ok though we never spoke about her girl.

Mom called and told me that Dad's cousin had died of stomach cancer on Tuesday. I knew I needed to go. Mom warned me that she felt left out at the visitation. When we went to the funeral, it felt weird to hear about the cousin's faith. The burial was super short and even though we were invited back for the meal, Dad asked Mom if it was right to skip it! I was very surprised at his struggle to go or not. We didn't go and I ventured to ask questions about the past. Dad opened up and explained why there has been so much taboo.

Back when my grandparents were first married, my grandpa had to serve in WWII even though he was a conscientious objector. He worked for the government in the states so while he was away, his brother which would be the cousin's father would tell my grandma what to do and would write letters to my grandpa telling of her misdeeds. While Dad is telling us this, I am thinking that my grandma was very stubborn that I am surprised that she didn't tell him off but our family does not speak out loud much rather they keep it in and deal with in more quiet ways. Anyways Dad said because of this, it was like Dad's family was ostracized from the rest. He remembers his grandfather always talking about the other grandsons but his grandfather never took any interest in him. He does remember going to his grandparents for Easter because he could remember his grandmother making lamb cookies with raisin eyes but never ever went to his grandparents for his birthday. My Dad remembers that his dad would go to see his mom but my grandma would not go. Just thinking about this makes me livid and sad.

Wow, no wonder why my family feels so isolated. We just don't fit in with the games people play. We can't win so why deal with it? If you like us and want to be a friend, we have open arms but we won't demand friendship or loyalty. We want to feel safe just like the rest. We want to contribute just like the rest. We want to be valued just like the rest. We want a little attention just like the rest - well, maybe a smidge less but a bit all the same. We are friendly just not game players. We are quiet and more one on one and we do feel a bit out of water when in loud and group situations. We definitely do not bite.

So if I get to see the wife of the cousin out and about alone, I will do just like she said and go up to her and say that I appreciated her and her husband that they were so very tight together and it hard to find marriages these days that stick together... I have worried about how she would handle his going home and I continue to worry. At the very least I have prayer. I will continue to be the sentry - keeper of moments and to bear witness...

Godly meditation vs earthly meditation

Again on the radio (bnn), a contrast was given on meditation. It was clear and precise. Now I won't be timid in my admitting to meditation! So here it goes:

earthly meditation = emptying the mind.

Godly Meditation = filling the mind.

Need proof?
What to fill the mind with?

Jos 1:8
This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.

Ps 1:2
But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.

Ps 63:6
When I remember Thee upon my bed, and meditate on Thee in the night watches.

Ps 77:12
I will meditate also of all Thy work, and talk of Thy doings.

Ps 119:15
I will meditate in Thy precepts, and have respect unto Thy ways.

Ps 143:5
I remember the days of old; I meditate on all Thy works; I muse on the work of Thy hands.

Fireproof

Finally, I am going to jot down a few notes about this movie which I would rate a 10. However, when it first started I was a little worried about the acting. It might come off as an act and not real but that soon disappeared as the movie began to take you in. I must say it was well written. There was moments of sitting on the edge of your seat. I could have done without the yelling but it was needed and real in most marriages but there was some comic relief. I totally dug the salt and pepper theme. *wink* Sorry, not telling you any more about salt and pepper. Go see and find out. Oh, there where some twists and turns where you were thinking one thing and the movie took a turn like the who paid for the equipment and who actually did the love dare on who! Love that!

I love reading and I love movies. Being an English major, I like themes or motifs because it connects the movie or book together making it flow well and it can take us English nuts deeper. The movie did it and it was flowed well.

I appreciated how this was written because this isn't just a movie for Christians but a movie for the world. I have been saying that marriage is the last frontier - a place to bear witness to Jesus Christ making a difference in your life that the outside world might just start asking you how you do it.

A little side note:
I get so mad at the 'world' for wanting to marry same sex partners. I think why do they even want this concept especially because it was created by God. They are already slapping God in the face so why even want marriage. I probably lost you here but I know what I mean just having trouble putting in words.. Then I was listening to this radio guy who said that God didn't create marriage for the believers but for mankind! He gave the example that John the Baptist lost his head because accused the king of misusing marriage. I was taken aback a bit. I had not thought it like that. It kind of messes up my thoughts. But I guess defiling marriage is just one more way of defiling God and the beauty He created.

Back to the movie-
The one chew toy I took with me was that the heart is easily deceived and that you must lead the heart. Isn't it a Bible verse? But seeing it, hit home with me.

My favorite character was Cameron's father! I think it was the soothing voice and the weathered christian who had been there and done that. He was someone who had this quiet strength...

A funny thing my mother commented on was it was interesting to see Kirk grown up! I said Mom, he is about my age! I didn't think he aged any. He looks like Kirk - not a kid but a young guy. Some middle aged peeps look their age and some of us don't! Oh dear!

Anyways, excellent movie and there is the 'Love Dare' book out there if you want to spice up the marriage God's way...

my HOPE ...

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

Refrain

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

Refrain

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

Refrain

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

Refrain

Isaiah 51:12
I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you to be afraid of mortal man?

Jer 17:5-8
This is what the Lord says: Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands, he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where there no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out roots by the stream. It does not fear when the heat comes, its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.

Ps 105:4-5
Look to the Lord and His Strength;
Seek His Face always.
Remember the Wonders He has done,
His Miracles and the judgements He pronounced,

1 Peter 3:13-16
Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. 'Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened.' But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the HOPE that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.

reading vs praying

In my growing faith I find that reading the Bible has given me more peace and strength than praying has ever done. Even talking back the Word against oppression and depression or whatever the evil one starts chucking my way has given me a quiet courage that praying never could do for me. Now don't start wagging the finger at me just yet. Prayer is very important but the question to why prayer might not be bringing me to the peace and joy is key to understanding what is wrong and making changes.

My prayers especially at night bring me to tears and I am so tired of crying. It is the requests that I am bringing and probably my personality isn't helping matters. When I am doing what I think is right but the results are showing that I am wrong, I crumble. I am one of those types that no response is a negative response and negative responses defeat me where a good word or affirmation will make me bend over backwards to do more and to be better. My personality trait is highly melancholy and even though I have had a JOY breakthrough, it is hard work to keep going. I must say though that tenacity that runs deep in me and tends to out weigh melancholy's hold on me. Nevertheless, I am so tired of crying.

I have started to change the way I pray and I hope to make it a very deep habit. I have prayed the Word. When I have one of those no responses that come in the form of people not sharing, I use whatever passage I am chewing on and pray that for the person. When I have one of those no responses that come in the form of a God-Mystery where I know He is never silent but rather I can't see or hear because of the veil, I search out solace from the Word and then in turn pray it. I think this is the key to praying.

I still have a long way to turning to this kind of praying first instead of crying pray. Again, God never calls us to be discouraged or afraid! He has repeatedly said to NOT BE AFRAID and to BE OF GOOD COURAGE. His Word is full of pictures and stories of how to live this day and age out with our heads held high. "My eyes are ever on the Lord, for He shall pluck my feet out of the net.'' Ps 25:15

election consolation ...

More notes I jotted down from Steven Davies:

1. Be a good citizen.
2. The church can still thrive under bad or evil government. ie: Church in China
3. The church can still influence the world under limited to no freedoms.
4. We are not commanded to change immoral behavior but to shine.
ie: A lighthouse never calmed a storm!

I find great comfort in these words but especially about the concept of the lighthouse. It totally floored me but with it came peace and comfort. There are also two passages that I have discovered tonight in my search for God in all of this. Try I Timothy 2 and Romans 13 on for size. I found it a bit uncomfortable because there is a certain government official in my home state that has been really a burr in my side. I am not thankful for him and when I tried to pray I really had to keep focus... I a lot of work to do to be a better prayer warrior.

war in Iraq, ok?

Hmmmm, check this out! the right thing to do?

Be very leery of the media and the agendas they are pushing! They are as bad and maybe worst than hollywood!

redeem vs reform ...

I have been listening to Steven Davies and he is talking about our allegiance. Here is my notes:

1. Believers are not suppose to reform government but to redeem it.
2. Our hope is in the city of God not the city of man.
3. God's Purpose = be ambassadors of God.
4. We are not to save America but Americans.
5. ''I will build my church and the gates of hell cannot prevail against her.''
6. Glorify God & advance the Gospel of Christ.

We do have the liberties to vote, pay taxes, & to take the census.

I do love my country for what the founding fathers have given to us and strived to achieve. America was created to as a safe haven for worship of the One True God as well as allowing others to choose their choices and to self govern. It saddens me as I see the decline and my heart has been lead of God to have a strong allegiance to the Kingdom than here. It doesn't mean that I will give up on America.

I really like the word 'redeem'. One verse that brings me great comfort is 'Redeem the time for the end is near.' Now to the meaning of redeem, I always ask myself or question God for the meaning. So here is what I got - redeem is basically putting good out there. Take the fruit of the Spirit as a great place to start we all need more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

A personal way for me to redeem is to encourage. There is way too many negative words and especially in the season negative ads. 'Scoffers have set the city aflame, but wise men turn away wrath.' Proverbs 29:8 As I wrote this haunting verse down, I was making it singular in my mind but it is plural! I will be doing my bit on encouraging (got to get my 'be encouraged' letter to GWB written) but will you? Is there someone in the Family that is oppressed and needs a pleasant word? What about the others without the Peace we know? Is our actions showing them that we are restless and lacking courage? Are we in the Word and feasting on God's Promises? I know that when I am 'talking back the Word', I feel much better. When I forget and get overwhelmed, I am not redeeming.

Redeeming is expressing our allegiance to the God we serve and the Kingdom.