love's experience ...

There she is going through the motions of her day with old cds playing in the background of love found and love lost. Questions start piling up. Do boys really fall in love where they can't live without their girl? Do boys get messed up over love lost? She watches a tv show only for the relationship of the boy and the girl who are married. They have such a lovely relationship. This week showed more intensely the boy's side of love. Tears where streaming down the girl's face as she watched the pain the boy was going through and how he didn't want to leave his girl. Can boys really feel this way? Then there are those love lost songs that boys sing. Her favorite singers are boys. She loves the male voice. And when they belt out a song that is ripping their hearts out over some girl, she wonders if this is really true for them to feel this way. Guys write this stuff, don't they? They sing it and if they are convincing wouldn't they feel it deeply? Can boys really feel this way?

Sadly, this girl's heart has been broken a long bit ago and clearly hasn't found a way to believe again. She is angered by this yet she can't let go of what was. There was no reason, no closure, no understanding. Over and over again she has asked for Ultimate Wisdom and still feels the need to hold on ... for a return or for closure.

She has a lot of good memories and none bad except the vanishing. She can't enjoy the good memories but rejection hurts so badly. Funny thing is that she holds on the experience because it is her way of relating to connection and marriage in her way. She feels that longing and desire and the only way for her to have and to hold is to use this a little bit of experience and live it. She isn't living in the past but using the experience to relate to her now. What would she do in this situation? See, she is empathic - always living in other's shoes. She is a feeler. Having this experience of once upon a time, she lives singles and married of sorts. It is that caring for a man bit that she harbors. If a boy won't let her, she will still do it...

So maybe that is why closure hasn't come to her and maybe in her little heart of hers, closure would be shutting the door leaving her to fend for herself in the single world again where she really feels like a fish without a bowl.

{sighs}