family taboo ...

I have been having some debate with myself about my personality and what I should do about this alone existence that I seem to have but I am finding that it runs in the family. It is just me though that has to deal with it alone while other members of my family have mates and families of their own.

Going to the funeral of my Dad's cousin helped shed some light onto this sentry-on-the-out-skirts of type of feeling my mother and I have voiced aloud to each other. My Dad and his cousin have some Kenny Roger looks so you know they are related but our families never got together unless it is a funeral. I remember my mother telling me when I was going to junior high that I would be meeting a girl my age with the same last name as mine. (My last name is uniquely spelled and not common.). Mom said there was some taboo in the family and that our families didn't get together to do things. She never said that I couldn't be friends either. However, this girl ran a bit hard and was in the popular group. I was always aware of her but she never seemed to be aware of me until standing beside each other in line practicing our graduation walk where she remarked that it was funny that we didn't meet until then. A year latter I got an obituary of her death from my mom while I was at college. She was an only child and when I got back home to see her grave site, you could tell her parents where not taking it well. I have always felt bad around them that she was gone while I was still here. In recent years as my grandpa, grandma, and grandpa's brothers including my Dad's cousin's father died, the mom would always make feel ok though we never spoke about her girl.

Mom called and told me that Dad's cousin had died of stomach cancer on Tuesday. I knew I needed to go. Mom warned me that she felt left out at the visitation. When we went to the funeral, it felt weird to hear about the cousin's faith. The burial was super short and even though we were invited back for the meal, Dad asked Mom if it was right to skip it! I was very surprised at his struggle to go or not. We didn't go and I ventured to ask questions about the past. Dad opened up and explained why there has been so much taboo.

Back when my grandparents were first married, my grandpa had to serve in WWII even though he was a conscientious objector. He worked for the government in the states so while he was away, his brother which would be the cousin's father would tell my grandma what to do and would write letters to my grandpa telling of her misdeeds. While Dad is telling us this, I am thinking that my grandma was very stubborn that I am surprised that she didn't tell him off but our family does not speak out loud much rather they keep it in and deal with in more quiet ways. Anyways Dad said because of this, it was like Dad's family was ostracized from the rest. He remembers his grandfather always talking about the other grandsons but his grandfather never took any interest in him. He does remember going to his grandparents for Easter because he could remember his grandmother making lamb cookies with raisin eyes but never ever went to his grandparents for his birthday. My Dad remembers that his dad would go to see his mom but my grandma would not go. Just thinking about this makes me livid and sad.

Wow, no wonder why my family feels so isolated. We just don't fit in with the games people play. We can't win so why deal with it? If you like us and want to be a friend, we have open arms but we won't demand friendship or loyalty. We want to feel safe just like the rest. We want to contribute just like the rest. We want to be valued just like the rest. We want a little attention just like the rest - well, maybe a smidge less but a bit all the same. We are friendly just not game players. We are quiet and more one on one and we do feel a bit out of water when in loud and group situations. We definitely do not bite.

So if I get to see the wife of the cousin out and about alone, I will do just like she said and go up to her and say that I appreciated her and her husband that they were so very tight together and it hard to find marriages these days that stick together... I have worried about how she would handle his going home and I continue to worry. At the very least I have prayer. I will continue to be the sentry - keeper of moments and to bear witness...