wilderness ... part IV

I have listened to one describe a dark period in his life as a wilderness. I felt a little afraid for the person even as I reminded him to see how far he has come. As I read in ''The Way of the Wild Heart'', no wonder there was some fear in my heart.

(The Isrealites) decision NOT to fight is what led to their wandering in the wilderness for 40 years. We often cite that part of the story, talking about our own wilderness experiences embracing the wilderness saga as if it were in inevitable. Rather, the wilderness was a punishment, the conseuence of refusing to trust God, and fight. We live in a world at war. We are suppose to fight back. ~John Eldredge

Whoa! That is real scary! I wonder if I have some wilderness lurking in my past or even in my present day...

part III

space (n)

When you are hanging over the cliff and you finally let go because you have nothing more to hold fast to, you fall into a space, empty and silent. It stretches out in time and you get use to it, like having your eyes adjust to the night after coming in from a sunny day...

1st crocus!!!

Could not have been better timing. As I sighed once again as I started my jeep, there before me where my first crocus sighting of the season. They are a pale purple. I love the crocus because they bloom half in winter and half in spring. I feel a kinship to them as they share my month.

But never mind that ... God was sending me flowers for the boo boo someone did to my jeep. 'If God cares so wonderfully for the crocus that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't He surely care for you? Oh you of little faith!' matt 6:30 I know that my jeep is just a thing to care for others and to use. I know I can draw on God's strength to add another errand to my lengthing list. I know I can draw on God's provisions as I write another check for the accomulating bills that pile in this month. When my thoughts stray, I pull them back and look upon my crocus and smile. Oh, how God loves me...

broken or back together ...

The rounded glass pitcher that contained the breakfast orange juice each morning slipped from her hands and shattered into a million sticky pieces all over the kitchen floor. It was not the spilt juice that moved her to tears. Rather it was the impossibility of putting back the pieces of this precious gift that had been given to her on her 16th birthday for her hope chest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A family heirloom of fine dishware lay in broken pieces on the front lawn in the tornado’s aftermath. The pieces, where gathered and stored in a shed, waiting until a new house could be built. A new beginning was mosaic together into a round table creating the same motif found on the plates but done so out of broken pieces, a brilliant creation for something old.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I remember going to an amusement park and having a ton of fun. As memories where gone over like a picture album, my heart whispered to enjoy it all because you can never recreate the experience again. I declined the second trip to the amusement park that summer because I did not want to mess up the fabulous time I had had. I had no regrets doing so.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When my first grand am got rear ended, you couldn't tell until you looked at the metal between the back window and rear window on both sides. They had to bend it back, but they could never get the trunk to stop leaking. They even went so far as to claim I was rear ended exactly like before. But from past experiences nothing happens the same way twice. Hince the reason they could not get the car back in its orginal state.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My path has moved from precious gift to masterpiece. With a masterpiece it is best to sit back and watch the creator make his magic or after it is hung finished and ready.

What is the treasure in the snapshots above? What action should be taken? Does it relate? Is it alright to leave it broken or should it be put back together? Putting it back together leaves some pieces never to fit in again, is that ok? Would leaving it broken be a bigger monument to what had happen, like many an ancient ruin smoothed over time? Where is the peace?

Dear Creator,
I am asking and seeking. You alone know the intricate bring ‘togethers’ and tearing ‘aparts’. Thank You, for these pictures. I have no clue yet of what I must do. I will remember to wait. I know You are teaching here. I was at peace now only to have the waters disturbed. I rest this in Your Care.
~always Yours

man phases ... part III

I've been reading "The Way of the Wild Heart" and the author gives 6 phases of a man's path. When I first read this, my thoughts went back to Psychology in high school where some guy thought up the different phases of man. That was depressing and very morbid as the man progress into his elder years. I like this new path. Very grounded and very true ... a catch though! Man must allow God to work these phases out in his life or the man will go though a morbid existance.

Ok here is the path:

Boyhood:- a time of wonder & exploration; time of being the Beloved Son, the apple of your father's eye; time of affirmation

Cowboy:- time of learning the lessons of the field; time of great adventures & testing; time for hard work; time of daring & danger; time of learning that he does have what it takes

Warrior:- realizes his mission & that it is crucial; he learns to battle the kingdom of darkness is even more crucial; to be a man he must learn to live with courage, take action, go into battle

Lover:- comes to offer his strength to a woman, not to get it from her; discovers the way of the heart; awakens to beauty, to life - becomes a romantic & it takes his spiritual life to a whole new level; Serviceof God is overshadowed by inimacy WITH God

King: - will be sorely tested to use his influence in humility for the benefits of others; time for ruling over a kingdom; draws around him a company of young warriors - for he is now a father to younger men

Sage: - mission now to counsel others; his influence ought to increase; the kingdom needs him as an elder at the gates; should spend time mentoring younger men; this should be the period of their greatest contribution
Ch 2 of "The Way of the Wild Heart by John Elderidge

See why I like this path? Exactly what a girl's heart hopes for in a man. Even a mother hopes her son can be raised like this!

I read this and I began to search for the path of a girl. I have some of the parts filled in but some are missing. My thought are a brewing. I am extremely excited. However, by the time I figure out the path for myself John will write it out with his wife! I hope they do come out with a book for us girls but I will beat my chest and figure it out for myself. Maybe I will share it here.... or it just might seep into my own book.

part II

what girls think about as much as boys think about sex...

I think it has been drilled into the girls head that boys tend to think about sex about every minute. Yes, we know that already. If we haven't been told, the boys' eyes have made us feel like objects. Nothing new here. I did have a heart to heart talk with a he and was shown the man's struggle. I understand how men are made and no, I am not going to go into male bashing.

I would like to turn on us girls. Do you know that girls think about 'something' as much as men think about sex? Yes, true. I was shocked but I have to admit to this. So can you guess what we obsess about with our thoughts? Ok, who said chocolate? No! not the answer. Well, chocolate probably does come in second place. Do you avoid the mirror or take a second look to make sure everything is just so? Do you change your clothes more than once a day? Do you take as much time picking out jewerly to match your outfit as much picking outfits? Do you like or hate your hair? Are you sucking in your tummy? Are you hiding or showing off your bum? Are you a shop-a-holic or are you hiding in baggy clothes? No matter if you like or hate your looks, admit it. You girls think about your appearance as much as guys think about sex!

Whoa! Scary isn't it. Might even feel shameful. But really it opens up needs that are basic to males and females. Males feel loved physically. Females feel loved when affirmed attractively. Just something to think about!

if I have to give up... part II

Good grief! Here I go again reading a book that makes me mad, sad, and a whole lot of other feelings. I should just stop reading books by John Eldredge but I am compelled to grasp the man’s world and mine as well.

I read ‘Wild at Heart’ and was so furious that man is a broken man prone to hiding out and to refusing to tackle their world. Down with ‘cave dwellers’ and ‘escape artists’! I had hot tears and outbursts for God. I wasn’t happy that the author told about man’s wound without giveing some kind of hope. I also read the book for women called ‘Captivating’. Again mad about the wound. Again mad that there was no hope for healing.

The new book called ‘Way of the Wild Heart’ seems to be promising. There seems to be hope. He isn’t offering a self help but gives a path for a man’s life. However, I am not sure very many men are going to find this nugget nestled in chapter two. Salvation is the hugest gift given by our Heavenly Father but next treasure is that we must give up all and dwell in God. HOME. “Coming home to the Father is the goal.”

‘Errrrrrrrrrrrrrk.’ Here comes my soapbox!
If I have to give up every hope of having a husband, a lover, some teamship, some attentive love and let God be my Husbandman, my Great Lover, my teammate, and my Attentive Love, then why can’t man give up this notion of trying to gain love from their earthly father who has wounded them with a big hole in their heart that must be filled and let the Heavenly God be their Perfect Father who will calls them Beloved Sons and who will never leave them, and who will be with them through any fire or any hell and fill the gapping hole in their heart?{gasps for a breath}

You can bet that I threw the book down and started pacing and muttering to God about this very crazed feeling I was feeling. I have always viewed my God as my Heavenly Father. I am quite lucky to have a really good dad who yes, has weaknesses and who has struggled with his own father’s lack of making my dad feel beloved and prized. But I have been taken aback by a guy who is precious to my heart who did not like thinking of God as a Heavenly Father. This hurts!!!!! I never could understand this … back with the discussion of the first book I tried to point out to him that he was a good dad to his son and his daughter and that those feelings that you get as a dad wanting to give good gifts to your children is exactly what the Heavenly Father feels towards him. I wanted to yell and scream ‘You have it. Take it. Go with it.’

But today I want my eyes to heat up and I want to say with strongest intensity and you bet I have that! ‘If I have to let go of my deepest dreams of a husbandman, then you must give up wanting love from your earthly dad. If I have to let God be my Husbandman, then surely you can let God be your Heavenly Father. Don’t get me wrong. Prying your hands off this wound is the hardest. I can list a million things I have had to let go of so I know deeply how hard this is. However, you will never intimately know the greatest Joy of being prized and beloved by the Perfect Heavenly Father until you let go. He will catch you.’

No wonder I talk so much about going for your dreams. I believe so strongly that God put them there before your parents even thought of you. He has plans for those dreams and those precious gifts only you can bring to this world and pour out for this world.

Good grief! What a soapbox! What heated feelings that bubble in my very heart!!! I feel burned… blazes!

part I

pain ...

Sunday night as I was returning to my home with bags in my hands, I slipped on the ice before I saw it. I went straight down with my right leg sliding out. I came straight back up but not before I felt a very tight pull in my ribs on the right side. It was painful, but not as painful as today. I can't cough or laugh without pain. Certain movements send me into moans.

The pain is spreading to my back with the most intense tenderness on my side. This is when I feel around to make sure my ribs are intact and poking out somewhere. Ok, I saw you smile at that. I will allow one smurk!

I've been wondering how to make muscles relax with out meds. Several years ago when I was getting down on my puppers level, good ol Bobby pushed his front feet smack dab on my chest bone. Now Bobby is a small dog - a toy fox terrier but man, do they pack a lot of power in them little bodies. The muscle had tighten up so bad it felt like knives. I finally went to the doctor and she prescribe something that later was jerked off the shelf. I plan on this time just letting it work itself out. I do have a chiropractic appointment next Tuesday. Maybe that will help.

My Anchor holds ...

The next day after the Thunder Snow with all it rain, I woke to a light dusting of snow already on the ground with more in the air. The radio is blaring to watch out for black ice which is a dreaded word for me. (had a bad wreak on it) I was not looking forward to the drive into work. I chose the back way since the local school thought it wise NOT to delay. Problem is that it is a bear to get through town with bad weather and no school delays. So in my head popped the hymn "My Anchor Holds''. Who would have know that the icy roads was not the worst of my day.

I got reamed out by a caller. My face was so red hot that you could have fried eggs on my cheeks. This happened mid-morning and the heat did not leave till evening. I've been working on my voice trying to keep my gentleness even though I know more than half the callers I connect to people end up in voicemail. Plus, having all those spam callers isn't a piece of cake either. Add to that those who choose to use their speaker phones which sounds like they are yelling across the room and jumping straight down your ear drum telling you to speak up! Then oh those yummy CELL phone users who are in and out and raising their voices upset at you no less for the bad connection. I am too fragile to deal with abusive callers and then to be nice on top of that. I had it coming, but what scared me alone in the lady's room was that I felt stuck. This is the same feeling I had before and not one that I want to be in ever again. Having the stuck feeling begins to eat away at you until you are a shell of what you are suppose to be. Never ever want to be in that place again.

I spent the rest of the day writing out the Living Words trying to get myself back ...

to slander no one, to be peaceable, to be full of courtesy, to walk humbly - titus 3:2 ... let your gentleness be know to all men ... he who hardens his heart falls into trouble - prov 28:14 ... bright eyes gladden the heart ...

no excuses, show gentleness to all, slow down, give options, submit, no exceptions, no limits, this is a friendly world, yielded, am I faithful? how do I show my faithfulness, create atmosphere..

My Anchor Holds Heb 6:19
Though the angry surges roll
On my tempest driven soul,
I am peaceful, for I know,
Wildly though the winds may blow,
I’ve an anchor safe and sure,
That can evermore endure.

(Refrain:)
And it holds, my anchor holds:
Blow your wildest, then, O gale,
On my bark so small and frail;
By His grace I shall not fail,
For my anchor holds, my anchor holds.

Mighty tides about me sweep,
Perils lurk within the deep,
Angry clouds o’ershade the sky,
And the tempest rises high;
Still I stand the tempest’s shock,
For my anchor grips the rock.

Refrain

I can feel the anchor fast
As I meet each sudden blast,
And the cable, though unseen,
Bears the heavy strain between;
Through the storm I safely ride,
Till the turning of the tide.

Refrain

Troubles almost ’whelm the soul;
Griefs like billows o’er me roll;
Tempters seek to lure astray;
Storms obscure the light of day:
But in Christ I can be bold,
I’ve an anchor that shall hold.

Refrain
`words written by William C Martin

I am glad I had emailed the words of this song to my work addy. It was helpful to my weary soul ...

Hey, I still have my snow! It is March no less! It is a season that will come to an end and my Jeep is ready for a cleaning inside and out .... Spring brings that and I will welcome her like I welcomed Winter ... just no more November rains please .. pretty please ...

Dear Anchor,
Tomorrow is Monday. A new day. I will try again to dip from Your Gentleness. I need YOU. Can't do it alone...
~always Yours

snow thunder ...

I had to stop and listen for the rumble to make sure it was thunder and not a passing train. There it was again, way off in the western sky. Rumble after rumble so low yet so strong to feel the earth move my second floor apartment. I should have stopped my morning rush and pull open the window and drink in the lightning. I did catch one blue flash that squeezed through the blind and bounced off the mirror and exploded upon the wall. Then a rumble so deep and close that I could feel it move my heart. The booms began to tumble over themselves and the rain broke loose. There is something electric something that draws me...

Way to go March! Definitely in like a lion!

I wonder if the snow will go today. The weather has been above freezing but with the huge amount that came in the past weeks, only the thin places are showing the soggy dark earth or the tuffs of grass. The deep snow has held on and has become crusty and fossilized. My heart is joyeous when I see the snow holding on so tenaciously! Wicked defiant joy would be the exact words. I had become so black when the November rains gush and poured through out the December. A childlike glee bubbled when old man winter came calling mid January and through out February. I like the fight the snow has made for me. I have found cold weather is great for my head. It feels the best in frigid cold ...

Thank You, Masterful Creator, for my snow! I hate to see it go but crocus are coming... What art You create just for my enjoyment. Thank You for romancing me.

preparing for His Abundance ...

Preparing for His Abudance must mean that you are lacking something. So lets say I am lacking a husband so in this area I should begin to prepare for His Abundance. Almost sounds like I should be cleaning out the house, doesn't it? As I have been picking up in another area of my life like oraganizing my home, I need to open up space so that I have room to welcome in. Out with the old and in with the new.

There is an excitement when you begin to prepare. Daydreams become more frequent and I love daydreams. I believe this is the best way to treat yourself. You begin to see what is really important to you. You lavish yourself with all the best so maybe you won't be so quick to settle for less.

So what if you are waiting and waiting? Say that husband area has been bare for 30 some years, do you still prepare for His Abudance? Sure, I say yet as I do, I know I find it difficult to be confident here. I have been 'laying down my Isaac' almost daily. I am finding though that it isn't as hard as it use to be. This is scary too. It is like I'm I am giving up and settling for less. I have to retrain the brain because it is really letting go. I suppose if you get 'nit picky' giving up and letting go are two different things. Letting go is freeing.

I've noticed my vision is clearer. My eyes are more on Him and not on him. No man can out do God in the love and romance department. It is seeing what I have and not what I don't have. It is being satisfied and content. I am beloved by God. His purpose for me is confirmed by the passions, dreams, and talents He tucked into my heart when He created me. Like a proud Father, He is delighted when I succeed. How enjoyable that is to me.

I just had a thought! Maybe I got it all wrong with the letting go.... or maybe I need another step to complete the formula.
Letting go is allowing yourself to fall into God's waiting Almighty Arms!

joy strength

Here are some of Swindoll’s quotes … they might be paraphrases but good to keep:

You can’t complain if you are praying.
You can’t worry if you are singing.
It is easier to be a witness if you are a joyful believer.
It is easier to release all if you have joy.

the Joy of the Lord is my strength! - neh 8:10

soft heart ...

My eye stopped at ‘he who hardens his heart falls into trouble’ because for some reason I have this ache to be soft and probably is why I get so upset when I am angered. I repeated this phrase over and over to keep it close as the day unfolded. But I remembered the first part about a how a good man fears the Lord and had to figure out the puzzle. If a harden heart is opposite of a man’s fear of the Lord then the fear of the Lord must mean you need a soft heart! Now I really liked that. It affirms this ache to keep a soft heart about me… ‘’ let your gentleness be known to all men ‘’

Blessed is the man who always fears the Lord,
but he who hardens his heart falls into trouble.
prov 28:14

song, blush, land ...

1. Birds singing as I am rushing out the door for work. Geese honking as I search for their v-formation coming over the top of my apartment building. Harmonizing with the beloved hymns playing in my jeep. Praise the Lord, oh my soul, & all that is within me, Praise His Holy Name

2. Cleaning the big blush brush and watching the pink swirl in the white sink draining away, leaving black bristles looking like a wet hairy dejected puppy after his bath. Finding the next morning the blush brush softly whispering across the cheek leaving a perfect wisp of color behind.

3. Remembering a conversation {’woman is like a territory or land’} from a dear but faded friend and still gleaning new thought and learnings. Knowing my book-dream is still there and that a long gone gift can still have good returns.

Wild Heart's way ... part I

Jeremiah 6:16 has become a treasure scripture of mine and when John Eldredge used it to begin chapter one of his book called, “The Way of the Wild Heart”, I was intrigued.

’’Stand at the crossroads & look
Ask for the ancient paths,
Ask where the good way is & walk in it
& you will find rest for your souls.’’

I have been watching for this book after the first one called ‘Wild at Heart’ came out. I have been wondering if John would give some kind of hope after showing how every man alive has this big old hole in their heart!

I must say that he has begun his book with telling men that this is not a formula but rather a path that every man must take to be whole. There are six markers:

*Boyhood
*Cowboy
*Warrior
*Lover
*King
*Sage

I am still reading the book and have had some really powerful moments and I am wondering how I am going to get it all out! I am also looking at this with my girl-eyes and wondering what her path should look like spelled out. I think I am having some pretty good thoughts.

My dear friend told me that 'you can tell that the Bible was written by one BLOKE telling the story over and over again'. He called it the 'butterfly effect'. What it means is that if you look at the old testiment you see the stories repeated in the new testiment. What is your pet name for God? One of mine as you probably have heard me say over and over again is Heavenly Father. While I am reading this book I am seeing God my Heavenly Father in every Bible story with new eyes. My love for His Father figure has deepened even more.

Just today I realized there was a reason for Joseph, Jesus' earthly father, to have passed away before Jesus begain His ministry. It is to show every man who feels fatherless or feels that their father has let them down that they have no excuse. They have a Father or a King to come to for guidance and for fathering. Pretty powerful shake up - no excuse to whimp out.

This time the author makes sure his readers have the tools to heal up the wound. You, a man, is a beloved son. You have what it takes. You have the strength to use for good.

Not finished yet ... verrrrrrry powerful ... go read for yourself and see what you think...

meaning of life

one lost ...

Heavenly Shepard,
You said You will go out and search for the one lost. You would leave the 99 in the fold or safe pasture just to go and find one who has lost his way.

I am lost. I've lost my way. I've lost my hope. I've lost my security. I've lost my joy. I'm a misfit. I've got sorrow in my bones. I've lost my sight. I've lost my hearing. Find me again.

I remember seeing You when I first started out on my own. There was just enough money and slowly over time the savings built up. Now my savings is slowing depleting. I am ok but I don't see You in the finances. Is it because I am ok or is it that I am just not seeing?

All week I have felt a great ... I can't even find a good word for this gloom... just a grey mass of some sort tugging down on my heart. I am always seeking You especially in Your sunrises or sunsets... I didn't feel You as much.

I haven't heard much from You ... I am reading a really powerful book. I've talked to You about it and I am seeking You but I haven't heard Your special Words here.

I probably did hear You but have so quickly forgotten. I probably did see You but have gotten so distracted. Find me. Catch me from falling into a dried up well.

To feel Your strong hand on the scruff on my neck... To feel Your Almighty Arms cradle me near to Your Heartbeat... To know the Great Husbandman loves me deeply ... To see Your nail pierced hands.... To be loved unconditionaly by You the Great Lover... To know that I am loved, valued, and important ... To feel Your undivided attention...

I want to feel all my sighs leave my sunken heart. I want to feel my soul puff up on Your warm love. I want to close my eyes and fall to sleep ...

Rest My lost sheep. I am here. Rest in My Words. Rest in Me... I love you, little one. I am here in your night. I watch over you. I am creating My Best in you. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Sleep, little one.
~Always Your Creator, Your Heavenly Father, Your Great Shephard, Your Great Husbandman & Lover

'But the Eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him,
on those whose hope is in His unfailing love,
to deliver them from death
& keep them alive in famine.
Ps 33:18-19

Ahh, I have misinterpreted! You said You will never ever leave me nor forsake me! Even if I feel lost or a misfit, You are right there quietly holding my hand and keeping me.... {sighs}

meaning of life ...

Ravi Zacharais (you can hear him via podcast!!) was answering the question on the meaning of life today on the broadcast. Ravi broke it down into 4 areas:
*wonder*
-as a child the world in new and big, their eyes light up and their little mouths are in the shape of an 'o'
*truth*
-teenagers are testing this world and what they have been taught, always searching for truth
*love*
-adults are wanting value, attention .. LoVe ... it seems to finish out who you are..
*security*
-as old age comes security is the roots that keep you

Ravi goes on to explain that all these needs are answered when you are saved by God. I believe this. But just now a question popped up. What about a believer who still questions one of these needs because they feel it intensely? Job lost his wonder and questioned God after his losses. God answered him with 64 questions ... all about the wonders of creation! I have question God on the third but I always reminded that humans fail, but not God. My heart settles down ... when I let go...

I wanted to share what Ravi had to say because I am reading a very interesting book on a path of a man. They relate... I will share the book here on llj soon ...

a slush day ...

There is an inch of slush out there but no ice accumulation on the trees. No church today. I was hoping for no church because I wanted to spend my morning seeking God on my own.. have my own church. It might get better later. I do hope I can get my 'pupinator fix' and be with family today =)

There is something special in having an unexpected morning all to yourself to spend as you please without any timetables set by others or society. Can't wait to set some dessert in the crockpot, read, and paint all the while praying without ceasing ...

Maybe I will have to declare more 'slush days' for myself ... it is like a mini vacation ....

giving away needs ...

. ¡Q? #99 .
How can you begin giving away what you need most in your life?

Well, I guess I would first have to start with my needs. Hmmm, I like to be loved and I know love has five aspects of action (words, quality time, service, gifts, touch) and a whole lot of presence (preparing, provision, proof, PRESENCE). Lately, I have been finding myself doing small stuff for my parents like cleaning up the kitchen or organizing a closet for them or even helping Dad move in the new family table. By coming up with ways to serve my parents, I have found contentment. I think it is really a happy way to love out and in turn feel loved by doing something special for others. Now I need to try it on others ... but always more like a hit and run ... with the only expectation of knowing that I loved and finding that as the only satisfaction I needed.

can you see Him?

*They moved and their old house is still on the market for over a year now. She was telling me that even though it feels like a heavy rock around her neck, she sees God in other areas of their life that this is just a timing issue and it will sell. Other marriages could not withstand something like this but in their marriage they encourage each other by putting the focus back on what God is doing in their lives. “If God is working in these areas of my life, then He is working in the house part of my life,” she said with confidence.

Yes! It is hard to know that we are God-Masterpieces and that He works quietly but efficiently and in the Best Time always working on the fine details of our lives.


*She was a mother of six children. She had a rough go with it but had finally gotten her life straight with God. Three of her kids were at the elementary school and one at the middle school while she was at home with two little ones. It has been extremely cold for several weeks and she depended on a space heater for some extra heat. Carbon dioxide got her as well as her two babies before the fire broke out. What is a comfort to her family is that she has Everlasting Life. What this young mother of 32 didn’t realize that by her quiet turn around that in her death she would touch others for God more than she could have ever dreamed her little life could. Truly a grand and bold living when we see with Heavenly eyes …


silver linings if you look!

8 vital friends ...

Recently I have shut down all operations for understanding and making new friends. I have renewed efforts to maintain my old ones but just have throw up my hands and turned my back on present day trying …

Funny, how I still try to figure out this mystery of friendship. There in the 'new book' area at the library was a book called ‘Vital Friends’ by Tom Rath. So I thought I would pick it up and see what it said and if it would give me a different view point. This is a book more about a study done on having friends in the workplace and how it makes work a better place. Interesting concept and one I believe is true. I wonder how the author thinks this will go over with the bosses. I was quite surprised and taken aback out how some companies LIMIT the amount of contact you can have with other employees! I did NOT how bad it could be out there! Oh, one last point the author seemed to make is that you should have at least one friend covering each of the areas (small description below).

Ok, so I do have to share what I learned and also add my two cents. (sheepish smirk)

concepts from book :
A huge concept for me is that I focus too much on me. I have been always improving myself trying to be a better friend. Even though I thought I had detoxed from my addictive self help books and behavior, I had not cleared this out of my relational area. I don't think I've made the ‘rounding error’ of expecting my friends to be good at everything. Rather I think they should be just a tad more attentive something I think is very lacking in today's world. My wake up call is that I should be analyzing what is right with the relationship and what the other is bringing into the relationship.

The book breaks down into categories 8 traits of friendships:
Builder:
Motivators, pushing your strengths (coach)
Champion:
Stands up for you & what you believe in, your best advocates
Collaborator:
A friend w/ similar interests, familiar ground, foundation for lasting relationships (sames)
Companion:
Always there for you good or bad, can sense your thoughts, feelings, & actions (lifetime relationships)
Connector:
Bridge builder, networks, connecting others (hostess)
Energizer:
Fun friends, gives you the boost you need, lets you smile and laugh
Mind-Opener:
Expands your horizons & encourages you to embrace new ideas, opportunities, cultures, & people, knows how to ask good questions, & this makes you more receptive to ideas
Navigator:
Gives you advise & keeps you headed in the right direction, they help you know who you are & who you are not

my thoughts :
I like this list and have let my mind wonder through them. I have begun to look at people in my life and tagged them with one of the above. By doing so I know what they are bringing to me.

I believe there are opposites to each one like the ‘Builder’, I believe there is an Tear-down, ‘negatives’ would be my pet word. I have one in my life right know that I am at my wits end. So I working out in my mind how to build and possibly navigate him towards the positive. Well, this is all thoughts, don’t know if I am strong enough at the moment to withstand getting into the action with one so gloomy. No, he is not a friend but someone I have to put up with and would love to be able to keep my sunny side when he is around.

From this list I have the label of the friends I need in my life like a Collaborator Companion Builder Energizer. I am looking for someone who has a lot of sames because I am soooooo tired of feeling like a huge misfit. I want a team player who is playing for the team and not out for one because I really like doing things with someone and not by myself every moment of every day. I want someone to recognize my good stuff and love it and tell me about it. I want someone who knows how to refresh and revitalize all the good in me after a bad day.

Then to my surprise there are ones I do not care to have like the Mind-Opener. I am a Mind-Opener but I notice that others Mind-Openers tend to discredit my feelings or thoughts on the issue. They instead push their issues and beliefs. I am so tired of feeling inferior. I have jumped into life and had life lessons and am where I am today because I have been open to tasting life. I also like a healthy balance of limits or rules to keep me enjoying life to the fullest. I love to ask questions but here is where I get those Mind-Opener Mothers mothering me! Yikes! Get away from me! My feelings count and I would like to have some credit that I put the belly up to the table and pay attention. Not stupid here! I do have to give credit to a guy who was a great Mind-Opener for me. He listened and was able to steer me graciously by asking questions where I would answer all the while coming to another way of thinking. I felt secure and care for. I wasn’t discredited. Man, I miss him. I wanted to learn how he did that. I haven’t found another that could do it so well. Why do I tell you this? Because every one can be tagged by the list above but it takes someone pretty special to do it the right way or be tailored to suit the best in you. I know I want to be better ... opps there I go again focusing on self development

final thoughts :
This book is a guy writing out a theory and he is really on the right track. It is good for the reader to really work this out in their life. It is very important for all relationships to see the good the other brings to the table. There will be less break ups.

corn flour ...

A week past I was googling for recipes involving corn meal. I stumbled upon 'corn flour'. In all of my years I never knew what this was. You could not find in the local grocery store until recently because of the large popluation of latinos that are here now.

I am very hesitant when anything says flour because the first thing you think is flour from wheat. But rest asured, corn flour is made from corn. Corn flour is starchy which is good for baking. So I will be trying to bake some of my old favorites. I did try my favorite lemon bread with corn flour and oat flour. It isn't as sweet as what regular people would like, but it is soft and rises like a bread or cake should. I will try again when I can find agave.

Anyway back to the original reason I found and bought the corn flour for...
I wanted to make my own corn torilla! Wednesday I tried but when I rolled it out, it wanted to crack. You are suppose to use plastic. I tried plastic wrap and to get it as thin as you are suppose to, it stuck and would not come off. Then I tried tinfoil. Nope, same problem. I even used the bottom of the bowl to press it out. Again, a mess. I used pressed out in my hands as far as it would with out cracking. I fried them. Nothing like what you get in the store. The recipe did talk about a torilla press. I didn't know where I was going to get one.

Today on my mac apple run, I found a torilla press right there at Martins (neighorhood grocery store)! I got it. I tried it this afternoon. It worked. It did not work because I had a press but it worked because there was a thick piece of plastic for you to use in the press. I had perfect round corn torilla's that came off the plastic just so. I am keeping that plastic as long as I can. Very hard to find plastic thick like that. I am one happy girl right now. Finally, some working out right with my food allergies. I had my egg mcmuffin wrapped in a corn torilla. Now when mom has to have her homemade pizza's, she can without excluding me!

A note about my food allergys:
Is it going ok? Well, no .. because there has been a year long focus on foods, I seemed to be obsessed with keeping my foods around me. I have a tummy that is mad at me and I have the munchies because I just do. Not good. Then my own family finds it difficult to cook for me. Dad made the family favorite, chilli. He changed the beans so I could eat it. What he forgot was not to use the chilli powder. I had a spinach salad when I went out with Mom and Dad and the next day Mom is making me a salad asking me what I can have and not have. Well, not the lettuse! They can't win! Mom is always wanting pizza whenever she needs a quick meal when all of us are home!

I keep trying to make this work. I think winter eating is hard because I go to food to keep me warm .... The munchies is there because I am bothered even though I am joyful. My middle is bloated and very fussy. I just need to relax and let go...

questions asked...

1. What are you most passionate about?
painting on glass, writing, my pups, my family, my home, joy, blue, journeys, adventures ...
2. What are the THREE things for which you are MOST thankful?
my faith, my family & pups, my deeeepest friendships

3. Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why?
It would have to be God. He has been with me through the thick of it and I have found great and many wonders in Him like Joy! I was once named 'dark valley' but He has given me the name 'from the dark valley blooms Joyful one'. Because He filled my heart with creativity, I can delight and savor His Creation through the eyes of an artist.
4. The four things your friends say about you are:
Creative, Loyal, Good Listener, Quiet

5. What are three of your BEST life-skills?
*Finding creative solutions to everyday problems
*Remaining calm yet resilient during a crisis
*Being a good friend and companion

6. What is the most important quality that you are looking for in another person?
Someone who is not afraid of working hard for the relationship .. a hard working team player. Someone who is strong in dwelling in possibility. Someone who shows up and is willing to share the good times as well as the bad times. Someone who knows without a doubt that the sharing makes the relationship richer.
7. Other than your appearance, what is the first thing that people notice about you?
quiet person! It takes time for me to warm up to you but when I do .. surprise!

8. What is the ONE thing that people DON'T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD?
I am not some lost puppy in need of mothering! Asking questions is a way to figure out the next step...

9. How do you typically spend your leisure time?
painting, writing, reading, walking

10. What are five things that you "can't live without?"
JOY of the Lord, paint & glass, pen, imagination, CALM

11. Describe the last book that you read and enjoyed. What was it about? What did you like most about it?
*Tolkien's The Lord of the Ring series (not a book I would have normally read and was surprised! I love it)
*Captivating (painful to read but to understand the war on a woman's soul is powerful)
*The Barbarian Way (sparks off-roading with God)
*the Zone 'Diet' books (teaches you the balance of food)
*The Love Languages of God (real insight into how God uses our love language to love us and how we in turn love Him back)
*God Works the Night Shift (very powerful eye opening way to look at our dark nights - now hooked on all the author's (Ron Mehl) writings)

12. Describe one thing about yourself that only your best friends know.
Even though I ask why and have deep thoughts, empathy is a special gift that tugs at my heart. Like with all gifts, one must stay in awe of its power.

13. Is there any additional information you would like others to know about you?
I am very tenacious. I have warm expressive eyes. I have a lot of fire when it comes to those people or things passionate about. "Bright eyes gladden the heart" prov. 15:30

must haves/can't stands ...

Note: I developed this from a long list and could only pick 10 for each. It was difficult ... and at times I saw duplicates. It is a process everyone should think about and do. It is a good selfish. It is riding yourself of the fat suit you have accumalated and facing your naked self in the mirror. You know it is working if it hurts a bit.

Must Haves:
*Spirituality...
I must have someone with a similar deep commitment to spirituality, who shares my beliefs.
*Emotionally Healthy...
I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy, and able to share a stable life with someone else.
*Industriousness...
I must have someone who is willing to work hard at whatever they do.
*Loyal...
I must have someone I can count on to always support me.
*Communicator...
I must have someone who is good at talking and listening.
*Responsible...
My partner must be financially responsible.
*Exciting...
I must have someone who isn't afraid to take a risk and who sees life as an adventure.
*Curiosity...
I must have a partner who is hungry for new information and knowledge and who strives to learn as much as possible.
*Affectionate...
I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.
*Conflict Resolver...
I must have a partner who will work to resolve rather than win arguments or conflicts within our relationship.

Can't Stand:
*Anger...
I can't stand someone who can't manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.
*Workaholic...
I can't stand someone who treats everything in life as secondary to their job.
*Rude...
I can't stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.
*Materialistic...
I can't stand someone who sees material items as a measure of success.
*Cynicism...
I can't stand someone who generally sees the world from a cynical perspective.
*Undependable...
I can't stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.
*Drugs...
I can't stand someone who uses illegal recreational drugs.
*Lazy...
I can't stand someone who likes to spend excessive time sleeping, resting or being a "couch potato."
*Depressed...
I can't stand someone who is constantly unhappy about their life.
*Infidelity...
I can't stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.

I cringe when I read this because really I am weak just like every other person. There are a few of these that I have fallen down and struggle to get back up. These are strong statements and come off as being very cemented. Not all bad because even as I am weak, I must know my life and where it has been. It is very right to want the best when looking for a relationship. By having a list I feel you are one step better in knowing what kind of relationship you want and will give to another.

if I could ask ...

1. When in a relationship, how much personal space do you generally find you need?
2. What is your opinion of committed long distance relationships?
3. How many years have you lived alone?
4. How trusting are you?
5. How would you assess your verbal intimacy skills?

Hmmmm, if I could ask only five questions to get to know the other gender, these are the ones I have picked. Funny to that these questions are really from really getting to know a 'him'.

I got to know this 'he' as a friend. It was finally finding someone who I could be safe with all my past childhood insecurities and finding that 'he' had the same insecurities too. We had a lot of sames and a bit of differences that would strengthen the us. He seemed to be able to socially interact and I think I could have brought the home that he was missing... I will never know how we would have mixed it up. He is gone. I believe the trusting me whether he knew it or not was his dent in his armor. He dismissed my presence ... not sure why ...

But these are my questions. They came from the best of us and the worst of us. Even in the friendship, I kept my growing love for him a secret. Even when he ask if I thought there would be a future for us! I almost slipped. But see I want a man who knows and goes after me. Do you know how I knew it was love? Because I knew that I would work for our love all my days and I wasn't going to give up because the work was to much...

unattended fires ...

I found this quote:

Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.

Wow, is this true just to husbands or men? Couldn't this be true of any relationship? Hmmm, yeah. This makes a better quote said like this:

Relationships are like fires. They go out when unattended.

I've tried to keep the fires going but with all I tried, they fizzled out. I've have been in the reverse situation where I have been unattended and I fizzled out.

I started reading a book about friendships and I am not read to share what I have discovered but what caught my eye was that it isn't about fixing yourself to be a good friend but what this friend offers to the relationship. It is taking a different look and I am at the bottom and ready to look at from another angle...

God with Emmanuel

Emmanuel has a picture of a girl and kept that picture for six years always in hope that he would see her one day. ( I have a picture of someone special and I have memories. I have let go ... do I dare to hope?) Emmanuel is a 'lost boy' from the Sudan. In a Kenyan camp he noticed this girl. He couldn't help but drink her in. He couldn't get enough. He saw someone with a camera and beg to have their picture taken.

Emmanuel carried that picture (his most valuable luggage) in his Bible with him all the way to America. He went to college and went to Canada one Christmas to meet up with friends when he went into church. There was Veronica! Can you imagine? (We often talked about the day we would meet. I still think about how that would play out in different scenarios.) They married last year and are expecting their first child. She has a visa thanks to Oprah.

Do I hope again to meet him on this side of Heaven? I think I will let go and let God handle him. I will remind God of the faith Emmanuel (God with us) had in meeting Veronica... I believe you can let go and still hope. God may seem invisible but He is ever-working out His beauty and His fierceness in us...

Emmanuel & Veronica's Story

powder, wisps, 4x4

1. Snow so fine ... finer than powdered sugar but strong as fine glass particles ... blew in and rested on the dash as I climbed into my jeep for my morning blizzard commute. Maybe the snow powder rushed in to keep warm.

2. Straight white smokey wisps like ribbons blowing in a frenzied rush to cross the road before I can run over them. When I am past, the ribbons twist upwards in circles like they are trying to nip at my tires.

3. Thick silky snow has had its way with the roads and the plows cannot keep up. Getting home means using the 4x4. This much and this soft means the tires cannot eat at the snow like it normally does. There is some slippage but I feel the control kick in and keep me from flying off in a snowdrift. Bummer that I have to go through town with other drivers but to arrive at home safe and sound is a sigh and a gratiful prayer that my Heavenly Father was at the wheel with me.

The blinds are open and the candles lit so I can enjoy the gusty wind and snow. A snow day for tomorrow dance in my dreams as I tuck in for a long winter's nap...

to capture a snowflake...

Woooo hoooo! I found out how to capture and keep a snowflake forever!!!!

step 1. Get two pieces of glass and when it is lightly snowing, go outside and let them fall on the piece of glass.

step 2. Then use Super Glue to encase the snowflakes. Then slap the two pieces of glass together.

step 3. Put in the freezer for a week. Then whala! Captured Snowflakes!

I will definitely have to try! And if you have a microscope, you could really get up close and personal!

I love snowflakes and would have loved to share this with ... sighs

anger snare...

Make no friendship with an angry man,
& with a furious man do not go,
Lest you learn his ways
& set a snare for your soul.
~prov 22:24 & 25

I find myself talking about anger a lot. I seem to be a calm person on the outside yet I know of this fire that can spring up very quickly and blistery. I hate arguing and raised voices. I would rather be calm, cool, and collected. Tone of voice, complaining, someone telling me 'speak up, I can't hear you' or 'what did you say?', having to repeat myself, and the obvious not listening or not getting what I am trying to say burns a white hot within my heart. I crave for peace and calm. I like myself best when composed.

I admire coaches who know how to direct their teams with quiet voice. Tony Dungy begins his season by saying to his football players that his voice will be no louder than this and look at the respect he gets. Both Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith are strong coaches that do not yell or throw their tempers about the place.

How do I master the anger when it comes? Does this anger that burns serve me? What is my vision for my heart and life?

Heavenly Father,
There has been movement again about anger within me this past week. Today I was convicted strongly and I have to confess that I am lacking in self control with my telephone skills. Please forgive me. With You I can conquer this area that I am failing at. Just like the break through with learning how to engage others, I know You can break through in this area bringing me through. Those around me see my sunshine and now my vision for my telephone peeps to see the sunshine.

I tried the engaging and apologitic skills this afternoon and saw some break through... now I need to keep it up. It will be hard and I need You every moment. My heart is ready to break free from the anger snare. Thank You for not giving up on me!
~always trying

embraced forever...

I think I am a lover and a romantic. Yes, give me the ooooooowy goooowy yummmy sticky hubba hubba. Even as I say this I know true love is hard work but give me that too!!! Not afraid.

Being a very visual learner, I have to share my excitement over a rather interesting picture. A man and a woman preserved love by their final moments on earth forever. Eyes locked on eyes and arms in tender touch and legs intertwined ... Cannot help but be encouraged! Yeah, call me wierd. I do not care!

things vs people

memo to self:
Remember that when THINGS break down NOT to get bogged down in the frustration but to remember the PEOPLE surrounding the things. Always question yourelf: Thing or person? Am I using the thing to promote God's love, joy, peace, security towards the person? Ultimately, you are either proving God or the little gods (idols).

Thinking like this allows me not to put limits on God and to keep my people connections open and free of debris from the wreakage of things...

things I

29 - 17 !!!

Woooohooooooo!!!! The colts did it and I am happy happy! Was a bit nerveous when da Bears made their touch down the very first grab of the football but like the Colts they started slow and sure and steady all the way through!!!! Way to go!!!

Again the credit was given to God not in the usual hollywood way but a real way. It was awesome to see two quiet coaches and friends conduct themselves with such a calm that garnish great respect. It made me want to renew my own efforts to control the fires that rage at times within.

One proud hometown fan here. {beaming}

a note ...
There have been some deaths of football players outside night clubs etc... I heard over the weekend that both teams had a lot of respect for their coaches, they were not going to put themselves in any kind of bad behavior. How cool is that?

colts vs bears

rumors of war ...

My spirit gets weak and weepy as war has filled up every page of every day. Through tears and prayers I view the world as I hide out for rest in my space. Then last night Billy Graham had an old 'classic' sermon on that really gave me a peace. I cannot say the words he said exactly so bear with my telling ...

Rumors of war and war will be an every day occurrence.
so no peace?
Peace comes on in Him.
what about peace on earth?
Peace on earth was Jesus born to us.
so no peaceful days?
You ask the wrong questions. Peace is only found by putting your life in God's. You are promised and given Everlasting Peace so you can live in the days of rumors of wars and war. Peace will rule in the end. Good will triumph over evil. And after the Final Battle, Peace as you wish now will be forever.

Dear Almighty Warrior & Prince of Peace,
I feel much better. I was out of focus a bit. I have Peace living in me every day. By keeping my eyes You, the Prince of Peace, I can live in war and rumors of war. No, it doesn't mean that I carry peace signs. I have a battle to fight and prepare for no matter if physical or spiritual. I always knew I had a fighter's spirit....
~always Yours

Colts vs Bears

I am not a football fan. I like soccer and love hockey but I do not just sit around watching them. I will keep a running knowledge of wins and loses of teams around me, but no, to really sitting down to them unless there is an important game like the two teams from your back yard playing tomorrow at the SuperBowl. I probably will watch {sleepish smile}

I can remember back when in the late '80's the Bears and their SuperBowl Shuffle Song and Dance they did. I remember paying attention those games and watching of few. Love Walter Paton and Refrigerater Perry. So having them win a bid to go to the SuperBowl was pretty cool.

I like Manning on the Colts side and Dungy the Coach. Manning and the Colts have been trying to get past them Patriots for a couple of years now. Very happy to see him succeed this time.

I like the fact that the Bear's coach and the Colt's coach are friends. Love the fact that Dungy is a Believer. And it is pretty cool to have teams from near you able to make it in the BigGime.

Well, to the Bears your biggest fans are going to be huddled in blankets watching it on big screens cuz it is snowing back here as you play in warm Florida. And to the Colts, woohooo for home town pride!

I have no favorites to win so the game better be a nail biter all the way through.....

Just think two weeks ago the Bears where fighting it in snow on their own terf and the Colts was in a nail bitter - I couldn't stand to watch... this week total enjoyment ... well, honestly I might be leaning for a Colts win.... hey, can both win? Both making it to the SuperBowl is a win win, right? well, I will settle if only it is a nail bitter....

blizzard warning ... !?

THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE ... HAS ISSUED A WINTER STORM WARNING... WHICH IS IN EFFECT FROM 9 AM THIS MORNING TO MIDNIGHT TONIGHT. A WIND CHILL ADVISORY HAS ALSO BEEN ISSUED. THIS WIND CHILL ADVISORY IS IN EFFECT FROM MIDNIGHT TONIGHT TO Noon MONDAY.

STRONG WEST WINDS WITH GUSTS TO NEAR 35 MPH WILL DEVELOP BY LATE MORNING AND CAUSE LAKE EFFECT SNOW AND SIGNIFICANT BLOWING AND DRIFTING SNOW. WITH A DEEP SNOW PACK ALREADY IN PLACE THE EFFECTS OF THE WIND WILL BE EXTREME... ESPECIALLY IN OPEN AREAS. NORTH SOUTH ROADS IN RURAL AREAS WILL BECOME NEARLY IMPASSABLE.
VISIBILITIES WILL BE REDUCED AT TIMES TO ZERO.

FURTHERMORE... WIND CHILL TEMPERATURES AROUND 15 BELOW ZERO WILL MAKE BECOMING STRANDED IN A DITCH A LIFE AND DEATH SITUATION. NOT ONLY FOR YOU BUT FOR RESCUE PERSONNEL.

PROLONGED EXTREMELY COLD WIND CHILL TEMPERATURES OF 15 TO 25 BELOW ZERO CAN BE EXPECTED TO CONTINUE UNTIL MIDDAY MONDAY.

WHILE THE SNOWFALL WILL BE NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO MEASURE DUE TO BLOWING... 2 TO 3 INCHES CAN BE EXPECTED BY LATE TONIGHT.

A WINTER STORM WARNING MEANS SIGNIFICANT AMOUNTS OF SNOW... SLEET... AND ICE ARE EXPECTED OR OCCURRING. STRONG WINDS ARE ALSO POSSIBLE. THIS WILL MAKE TRAVEL VERY HAZARDOUS OR IMPOSSIBLE.

A WIND CHILL ADVISORY MEANS THAT VERY COLD AIR AND STRONG WINDS WILL COMBINE TO GENERATE LOW WIND CHILLS. THIS WILL RESULT IN FROST BITE AND LEAD TO HYPOTHERMIA IF PRECAUTIONS ARE NOT TAKEN. IF YOU MUST VENTURE OUTDOORS... MAKE SURE YOU WEAR A HAT AND GLOVES.
` * ` * ` * ` * ` * The tv is declaring a blizzard warning but the National Weather service is tamed down.

I lived through the blizzard of '78 and have fond memories of it and the things we did as a family. So when I heard there is a blizzard warning, I was surprised because we aren't getting much snow but a whole lot of wind. The wind is making the snow that we do have look like a white winter sand storm with twirls of snow and wide whisps of blowing grains of snow. Pretty cool to take in. I will give you updates if we do get some snow with this and yipppeee for blizzard only if I can craft away (and keep warm) without going into work on Monday!!!!

Oh, I had to laugh with the bit of mother talk posted up there 'MAKE SURE YOU WEAR A HAT AND GLOVES'. Sorry, that won't do. Needs to be more gruff. MAKE SURE YOU DOUBLE UP ON YOUR CLOTHING. I'VE BEEN WEARING LONG JOHNS ALL WEEK AND DOUBLE MITTENS EXTRA. Well, a hat would do wonders or ear muffs. I haven't done that yet. I don't like messing up the hair!!!

For all you who complain about the winter, I smile. You must enjoy or you will freeze up like a icicle!!!

things ...

O, the accumulation of things! Of late I have had this mental banter if something is not useful then it is time for it to go. Why go through the headache of it. It has tormented me and kept me from the peace and calm I crave. Like my iMac slowing up, I updated (& is much better) but I was getting close to throwing out! Now it is my jeep that I am having some evil thoughts!

Then I heard about how these parents raised their kids with the best concept about things. They taught them to ask ‘if the THING was a tool or an idol?’ I liked that because it deepened my own thinking on how I should deal with my things. Am I using my things for the advancement of the kingdom or am I overwhelmed with technology or gadgets that takes my peace and my calm especially when they crash and burn? Am I using the gadgets to give love or touch others? Am I using things to bolster my passion for living a Godly life and being God-Confident? If not, then the item stays on the shelf or the item gets donated. It isn’t just about giving out but can give you means to keep yourself covered and cared for. It is about the clear vision of whether or not you are enslaved or free. This comforts me as I deal with my jeep problems. I feel my hand opening up and my heart calmer. It is God's gift and He sees fit to give or take according to my needs...

God is my Keeper. By His Hand will I be defended and secured. He takes care of the sparrow so much so that He is mindful of my needs. I need not get bogged in the mud as I baha in my jeep…

Orange jumbo, hair, little flakes

1. Taking one orange jumbo jelly bean and savoring the flavor burst in my mouth is purely a simple joy now that I cannot gorge myself on sugar. Having this food allergy now allows me the opportunity not to overwhelm my taste buds with overload of sugar rather it gives me a time out to enjoy the first taste of an old love.

2. My love hate relationship with my hair has calmed. I am more patient and relaxed with it. I am not always cutting it every time it doesn’t feel just right. I have always loved its softness and even now with the silver lining peaking through the soft browns, I can feel graceful with how I deal with my hair. I still do not like hearing comments on my hair because the psycho babble in my head goes crazy.

3. There was light snow this morning. After swishing off the windshield I stopped and noticed the tiniest snowflakes. So small and so detailed… so beautifully created. I smiled because I know intimately the Creator and His handiwork is the finest and the richest. Tonight when I went home for the day, the snow was coming down so slowly like a real live snowglobe. Catching snoflakes on my sleeve to soak in the fluffiest smallest detail made time stop.

stewart of your gifts

Being a good stewart of the Gifts God has designed and given to you means taking what you have and realize it is a gift. I have a job. It is not what I want to do when I grow up. It is not what I love to do, but it is a job that has helped me come outside my box and engage others. It also allows me to help others with their jobs. I don't mind copying or mailing or organizing. It is rather fun and makes me feel good that I can help others. I am not good with talking but my job requires to speak. This job has stretched me. This reception job is a good gift and I must be a good stewart of my job. It is not about what I don't have like my own craft shop or writing project even though I also believe that my art is a gift as well. So I must continue to be a good stewart of my painting and my writing. It is not about focusing on what I don't have or what I have not achieved. That is discouraging and not being a good stewart...

What is in your life? Isn't it a good gift? Are you a good stewart of these gifts? How do you be a good stewart?

good gifts? family, pets, your passion, job, health, home, money, college friends, your crafts .....

love my Barbaro ...

I had watched Barbaro win his Kentucky Derby and then I was watching Saturday late afternoon for the Preakness as Barbaro was frisky before the race. Then the race starts with Barbaro fracturing his rear right leg. It seemed so odd to me (a novice horse race watcher) that a horse could break his leg while beginning to run. Looking back at how he acted before the race, I wondered if his frisky was more of knowing something. Maybe he knew his leg wasn’t up for it. Maybe he sensed this energy inside but not knowing for sure what it was. Or maybe he just was ready to get the race over already. I had felt and still lean towards Barbaro knowing that his leg wasn’t up for it. But that is my sensitive side wishing that we could back in time.

I am very sad and upset that Barbaro just couldn’t make it through and win this fight for his life. I understand that it is best to put a horse down. It is a part of nature.

What I loved about Barbaro was his fighting spirit. All through this he was upbeat and maybe the word should be frisky. It seemed he hungered for life and for the run. He interacted so will with his rider and then with his doctors. I applaud this animal to human connection.

Call me crazy but I am a firm believer about the language spoken between pet and owner. I have two darling puppers who I feel very aware of their speech and their delight. It is hard for me to let go…

Dear Gentle Shepherd and Creator of all living – animals included,
Thank You for the connections humans have with animals. Thank You for their drive and their dreams. Barbaro taught us to keep up the fight. Live life fully. Go for it. I hate to say good bye. The world needs a good Barbaro. Watching his progress, there where a lot of us cheering him on to winning this battle. The lesson is still there. Again Thank You for horses and for dreams that can run wildly to the finish line. I long to hear … ‘Well, done Barbaro’.
~ always a little crazy

fire patches ...

I love winter sunsets and sunrises. The powder blue clouds are the main staple with brilliant splashes of fire burned into the edges of these clouds and into the patch of sky where the sun is rising and shining from her previous day duties.

My morning compute was snowy roads that was a crisp 5* F. The branches of trees had an inch of snow covering them making it a beautiful frozen wonderland. My starving eyes ate up the view. I was getting pretty mucked out with all the rain and mud.

snow perfection...

The promise of lake effect snow has been pretty lame this year. We were to get some heavy lake effect last night. It started about 3PM and it is still snowing this fine persistant snow! It is sooooo beautiful to watch. You open all your blinds to open up your world to a winter wonderland captured like in those snowglobes! At night time you turn down the lights or just use candles or if lucky your fireplace. Then cuddle up under blankets sipping hot honey and lemon water and listen to soft music. I call this perfection of winter. Now for those who enjoy getting out in it, I say still perfect. Everything is clean and white. Good tires just eat right into the snow and you can make your destination. If you are childlike, it is calling you to come out and make snowangels. I don't think you can make good snowballs for those snowfights. MMM, I think this weather calls for a good bundle up and a walk especially with a loved one. If no loved one handy, it makes a good walk and talk with your Heavenly Creator and Maker!

one blue, one brown...

I saw for the first time yesterday a man who had one blue eye and one brown. His eyes weren't the wide open type and later I asked my parents if they noticed his eyes, they hadn't. Both eyes were light, one a light blue and one a light brown. There were no smile inside those orbs. He was talking to my father and I was in listening mode with great visuals of his eyes. But him being a stranger I couldn't ask about his eyes. I had heard about people with two different color of eyes and my father said that he knew of a guy with violet colored eyes. Now mind you that was before colored contacts! Oh, I wish my parents could have caught this stranger's eyes so I could know for sure that my mind eyes weren't playing tricks!

heritage...

I went to the double furenral of my Grandpa's brothers. Roy H was 89 and passed 11ish PM on Monday. Elmer H was 92 and passed 10ish PM on Tuesday. Yes, they were close in there quiet way all their lives. Roy was a 'blue baby' and his heart was damaged. Roy never married and lived close or with Elmer all his life. They were the middle brothers.

I wanted to go to collect in my visual library and in my thoughts my history and my heritage. It is kind of like collecting the dots. There were black and white pictures of my Great Grandparents, Anna and Amos (I never met). Dad pointed out the fancy attire in there wedding picture and compared it to the plain attire at their 50th Anniversary photo. We wondered when this might have happened. They were of Mennonite faith and the clothes are plain. Their wedding picture reminded me of days depicted in Laura Ingals Wilder books. She wore the long skirt and the nice frilly white long sleeved top. He wore a dark suit with a tie. The Anniversary photo had him in a plain suit and her in a plain dress typical of what the Mennonites use to wear. In another picture I could pick out Great Grandpa Amos because he looked exactly like my Grandpa but with white hair. In another photo there is this big white house with some people that look like the time era of the civil war. Dad has another photo of that house but he isn't sure who the people are or the time era. He thinks the woman sitting is his Great Grandma. Then there is another photo of with the Silver Beach lighthouse in the background. Why do I tell you this? Just interesting because in my Grandmother H's photos there is one with the backdrop of the Silver Beach lighthouse. I find it cool to think that a place I visited was visited by my past family. Makes me wonder what they were feeling and thinking.

I also got to collect some memories of Elmer and especially of Roy from their families and friends. My Grandpa was a verrrrrrry quiet man and so where his brothers. Walter, the youngest, probably was the vocal out of all of them. Roy intrigued me today because he was a loner and never married. His friend would get calls from nursing home saying that Roy isn't coming the game night. His friend would say 'that isn't his thing. He has his own projects and is busy. He is a loner and that is alright.' (Hmmm! You know what? That is encouraging. I know that I need people and I have finally learned how to engage them but so often I still end up feeling alone. Often, I find that I don't want to follow the crowd. I would rather enjoy someone without the chaos of the group.) In the final years both Elmer and Roy where in the same nursing homes. Elmer would visit Roy when Roy couldn't get around and Roy would visit Elmer when Elmer couldn't get around. If you would see them visit you woud find them just there. Very little words spoken if any. Roy was hard of hearing and Elmer could hardly speak. It was just PRESENCE! Isn't that something? Just enjoying each other's presence. Elmer had already thought Roy had died when they took him to the hospital. Elmer had looked out for his brother all his life. They were the last two of the family. Elmer knew it was time. He was going HOME right behind his brother Roy.

One other thing about Roy... his way of Bible Study was like mining words. He would go through the Bible and count up how many times a word was repeated. He did it on scraps of paper but oh, if you could have bound that up in a notebook! I would have loved to have gone through it! Maybe along my journey I can try that...

There was one thing that I thought was interesting and I want to do for my own funeral. There was a reading of the obituaries. Dad said that the Mennonite faith does not believe in eulogies so they do obits instead. I like the reading of the obits because if you are not close to the family you can get a bigger picture of their history. Plus, each person is a book or a story and this fills in the blanks so to speak. I want to write one for myself to remind myself Who my Author is and the dream seeds He placed in my heart. It would be a way to give back to God and for me to keep growing in His plan for me...

most exciting...

'You're no fun! That is the most exciting part of any movie!' Well yeah, I guess if you want to have metal-rubbing-against-metal-when-it-comes-to-your-breaks kind of adventure! I know I am pretty sensitive to noise but honest ... THERE WAS NO NOISE COMING FROM MY BRAKES! I did not know! I took my baby in because of a pink leak I noticed not because of worn out brakes and a busted boot thing. Then add onto that a leak in the back besides the pink leak. Pink leak has something to do with the steering rack and the pink liquid is filling up the hoods and then leaking onto the ground. COME ON! GIVE ME A BREAK! MY JEEP IS ONLY 4 1/2 YEARS OLD! Just taking care of the breaks is $525.77 to do the whole thing goes up to $1650.

No, I wasn't taken for a ride since I am a girl. The service guy is a real advocate and checks out what the grease guys are saying. They cleaned it out and put a dye in there to really see what is leaking before a fix up and a bleeding hole in my money pocket. So yesturday was sort of a bust. I came home and did a bit of housekeep the rest of the day with some movie flick soundtracks that rocked out. Then I put on my BBN.

I know God will take care of this even though nothing was under warranty liked I had hoped. Last year I had several major purchases but this one tops any of those. Yikes. I hope this is the last for this year.

God-possible ...

Indiana Colts head coach Tony Dungy said something that nudged me and I had to say 'AMEN'!!! This game they just won was a hard battle. Those Patriots were not going to give. I didn't want to watch. You did not even hope until that final grab of the football by the Colts did you realize they were finally going to the SuperBowl.

I can't find the exact words Dungy used but he said to look at the game. It was 'impossible' to win but because they did come through it was 'of God'. It was possible because of God.

more about Dungy

majority in the wrong?

What if 71% of us are wrong? What if God picked this President because he did not waver no matter the heat or the cost? What if God is asking us to pay a high price and we are not willing? What happens to our credibility if we bicker and smear a plan that could work?

''The battle is the Lord's'' is what the warrior King David said when he was just a shephard boy going against the Giant Goliath. Who would have thought a small rock would land just right to knock down a mighty man? Exactly something so wildly far fetch can only be of God. Is not this time in history in God's hand? Isn't the Battle in God's Almighty Hand?

Why must I quake and tremble of these evil times? Why do I find it so hard to pray? I am so confused! Make me blind to man's vision .. only open my eyes to Yours. I know You have the 'King's heart'. Keep him strong of heart and of soul. So glad You Keep him... {sighs}

sharing tidbits with ...

Something I have realized over the years and thought I should put a voice to it is when you love or care deeply for someone, you want to share. As I go about my days and my nights, I find something I like or think important and then relate it to a loved or cherished one in my life that I want to share this wonderful bit of yummy tidbit. Oh, and I don't limit it just to my sames, if someone likes something a bit different and I find info, I pass it on. It is a joy to see them light up because you thought of them.

Memories have flooded me these past weeks. Will they always seem to swirl in my mind. I miss someone and have missed for a long time. I miss our deep and light talks. sighs This morning in the warm shower the thought that being able to share is a gooooood thing. It shows you are alive and engaging. Your eyes are on and focused. You are ready to grab life and soak it in... to share a smile... but then again when you miss someone... sharing doesn't seem so good...

In my work life a chapter has ended and a new chapter begins on Monday. A colleague (a writer & film director in waiting) last day was yesturday. We talked writing, movies, health, politics, God, Bible etc. I gave him a card to express how much he had encouraged my life. Our words faltered even when we love them so much. No worries. I know we both know what we had meant to each other and that it is only a chapter ending ... there is no period. I could tell this from him as he said that emails might be sparse but it is there. He needs to change things up. He feels good about his new job though not in the writing field. I cheered his dreams on as he did with mine.

But Monday morning when I found a tidbit from my weekend I cannot share, he won't be there. I hate that. God brings people in our lives. I try to focus on why they are in my life. So when they go, mystery steals in like fog. As God puts you into people's lives to share you with them, so God puts people in your life for them to share themselves with you... hmmm, now that is a wow thought ...!!!

Babycakes NYC!!!

I have been feeling that need for sweets like that yummy oatmeal coffee cake or that upside down pineapple cake that was sitting down in the break room today. I take a bite but to dive in and truly eat a whole square with some hot blueberry tea would be divine especially when winter has finally taken whole with chilly temps. My attempts at my favorite past time (baking) has not turned out the best. I do have a a couple of recipes but not really sweet ones. Great news though... I might find myself baking again... maybe....

I heard about a bakery in NYC called 'Babycakes' that specializes in baked goods that are SUGAR free. Now hear me on this ... they do not use any artifical types of sugar either {yes!!}! Ok, besides sugar free, they are gluton free, WHEAT free, and vegan. I am happy happy beside myself. She did two of her recipies on Martha.

The only grains I can use is barley and oats. But today I was inroduced to garbanzo and fava flour and some other techniques she uses to make the baked good rise. I knew about the agave nectar just that I can't find it in the regular grocery store. I probably won't find that garbanzo and fava bean flour but I know I can buy that on line at www.bobsredmill.com.

So if you find yourself allergic to sugar but in the need for sweets and in New York City, check out BABYCAKES NYC.

Babycakes NYC
248 Broome Street
(Btwn Orchard & Ludlow)
New York City, NY 10002
Telephone 212.677.5047

Tuesday-Thursday: 10am-10pm
Friday-Saturday: 10am-11pm
Sunday: 10am-8pm
Monday: Closed

Looks just darling!

If you can't visit, you can check out the menu and have it mailed!!!

Martha told her she should write a cookbook! I would buy!!!

the heavens declare His Glory ...

My morning drive begun in the hour of blue. The sun can't be seen but her shine was peeking out. As I head east straight into the sunrise, I saw ahead the mountains! Beautiful pale blue clouds carved out against the pale yellow. It feels like I will be headed for the dip and then headed up the rise. On either side of the road are inky black tree trucks holding up in their branches encrusted with glittering diamonds like waiters with huge platters. I am in awe of the beauty! I could not get enough!

After my appointment I was able to take my scenic route to work. Love this country side in the morning! Fury huge work horses eating breakfast and nuzzling tug at my heart. The pale yellow chased the blue away but oh how the encrusted diamonds shone! Then the moment passed ...

You, oh Majestic Lord,
How You paint and carve out each new day just for my enjoyment. Thank You for Riches that make my words so feeble in awe. I am so glad you can read my heart. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Huge Hugggggers!
~ always your speechless little girl

to speak or not to speak ...

In church you know you need to be quiet to hear God's Whisper. When someone is sharing their pain and hurt, you know you need to be quiet and listen. When you are walking by loud construction, you know you won't be heard so why talk. So why is it that when you are in the dentist chair with his hands and tools in your mouth, do they ask you a question expecting an answer? Or how about at the chiropractor when he is using the Pro-Adjuster which is loud punching noices, expects you to talk when that thing he is using is loud. Add to that he is wearing ear plugs!

I cannot talk when there is a ton of noise. In reality I just cannot think! So why speak? =)

resourceful believer's pack ...

I live where I have 3 Christian radio stations to listen to but I would not listen. They did not fill the void I had. This past summer another Christian radio station became the fourth! I fell in love immediately. I now have my Hymns! no commercials either! Nothing soothes my heart like the Hymns. Plus, it is an international language of believers like the story Ravi told:

A man was walking down the street and he heard someone hum a hymn. He started to speak to this believer and found he could not because they spoke different languages. But they hummed together and smile giving each other hugs. What power!


BBN has actual radio stations all over the Americas (North, Central, & South) but they do not have radio stations else where. However, you can listen online. They broadcast in the following languages: English, Espanol, Portuguese, German, Russian, Chinese Simplified, Chinese Traditional, Japanese, & Korean.

Another great resource is using iTunes and signing up for podcasts. I am in the process of downing loading my favorite speakers which I will often write about here like Charles Swindoll, Ravi Zacheriah, Joel Osteen, Stephen Davey etc. They are free and you don't have have an ipod. You can listen right from your computer. You can even get a podcast of the Spoken Word. I will have to check it out some more!

BBN also has a Bible Institute where you can take Bible courses in English or Chinese Simplified/Traditional.

criteria for love ...

Sunday discussion from little bro was about how he is one who has a certain criteria for love and if you do not love according to his ‘way’ then you are promptly written off. I guess they were discussing this in one of counseling or psychology classes. He went on to say that they have ‘couple friendship’ started by a fellow classmate who is alike when it comes to having a criteria for love. Little bro and his wife do not take people seriously on the ‘oh, lets get together and do stuff’. Most never get back to them. Well, this other couple has totally surprised them by following through.

Back to the having ‘certain criteria for love and being written off if you don’t follow the list’ –
This stuck me. I probably … well … most likely … ok honesty here … I am the same way. I should have asked if the ‘teacher or the class’ felt it was wrong. Maybe I don’t want an answer because I happen to have strong feelings about it.

I have been ‘fixing’ myself for so long that I don’t want anyone else doing so. No, I am not bull headed about it. I listen and I am soft towards my need to change. I, however, am quite leery of adding more fat to my fat suit. I, too, am a fighter and it is very hard to keep the hands off the wheel when I am trying to right myself. I give all I can and if you choose to not need me, I won’t be where I am not wanted. And if you can’t give what I need, I have been painfully learning to be more carefree in my love. So there is a bit of my criteria for love.

About promptly being written off-
This is not taken lightly! There is pain and anguish in what I have done wrong and what to do about it. After hurting so much, you just pick yourself and dust off and give in to letting go. When you do, the release is so great it feels right. You realize it is better to be more carefree when it comes to love. Never expect love to come your way but you sure better give it.

The Life Journey is so designed by God that I trust it more than I do from human opinions..

people you serve ...

'In this life you are measured by the amount of people who serve you.
In the next you will be measured by the amount of people you serve.'
~ Ravi Zacheriah paraphrased

Ravi has been speaking about taming your passions and gifts .. always keep a true humility which means that you are dependent on God. False humility is self bashing.

As I prepare for 2007's theme, I am leaning on LOVE .. more about the 'service of love'. Ravi's thoughts are an added boost to this new year's path.

Joseph, model of letting God ...

I was sitting there doing my work listening to Steven Davey on the radio speak of Joseph and how he dealt with being in prison and with the betrayal of his brothers. Now Joseph is placed in Egypt taking care of the food provisions during the 7 years of famine that he predicted in the dream God had given the Egyptian king, when his brothers come to seek food. Joseph knew them straight away. They did not know this him as a clean shaved Egyptian dressed official. He never came out and told them off. He was in the position of power. He could have made their lives pay triple for the things they had done to him. Rather he chose to be very gracious in his dealings. I am sure those brothers felt very uncomfortable with this ‘stranger’ knowing ways like when Joseph invited them to eat. The seating arrangement was in the birth order. Oh, how they must have squirmed! There were several times Joseph had tears consume him where he had to excuse himself. When he finally revealed who he was, he hugged them in a bear hug and wept over them. What an act of forgiveness!!

I felt God tap me. I had someone very dear – like family dear – decide to rid himself of me. I have had many feelings – some of frustration, some of pain, yes, some anger. I often wonder how I would react if I could just capture his attention...

This past year I have grappled with my anger. Through it all I have learned more about myself. I know mentally what I need to do. I know in my heart how I do feel about him. I still like him. I don’t think there is anger. Sadness is still there. Wonderings are still there. A couple of weeks ago, I felt God say ‘keep an expectant heart’. No, not that he will come back but of the workings God has for my path. Looking at His nudges, sure there is always a possibility of him coming back into my life. So what will I do about it?

I want to act like Joseph. Like my prayers during our 3.75 years, I always acknowledged God’s hand in us. The time in my ‘aloneness prison’ has God’s hand in it. It isn’t about my lack of value in another’s life. It isn’t about rejection. Rather it is about God’s hand on satisfying my needs and yes, his needs too in His perfect time. I must act like Joseph. I must walk as if on hollowed ground because IT IS!!

Heavenly Father of Joseph,
I again am awed by how Your master plan is working the best when all seems lost on our human level. Oh, how devalued (plutoed) Joseph must have felt when his own flesh and blood tore his coat and sold him as a slave! Oh, how Joseph must have felt when he chose to flee the boss’s wife and her advancements only to end up in prison. Oh, how Joseph must have felt when he asked his prison mates to remember him when they were freed after interpreting their dreams. All of these ‘dead ends’ was the act of You setting into motion a way to care for Your chosen people. Joseph was the keeper of Your Master Plan. To even grasp that honor, just blows me away!

I want to keep this forefront. ‘You are before all things’ even at human level dead ends. ‘And in You all things HOLD together.’ (col 1:17) When everything is wrong and I can’t help but thing that it can’t get any worse, I want to remember You work best in these moments. My hope is in You ALONE. (Ps 62:1-2)

I want to be a Joseph when I need to forgive. I need Your help as I figure out my depths, my service, my rhythm and how I begin and maintain interactions with others. How does this fit in? I am expectant …. Thank You for Joseph. Thank You for my path and the mystery You placed there…
~ always Your child chosen

plutoed (word of '06)

the WINNER is:
to pluto / be plutoed
~to demote or devalue someone or something,
as happened to the former planet Pluto
when the General Assembly of the International Astronomical Union
decided Pluto no longer met its definition of a planet.

Pluto-Related Words
DWARF PLANET: new International Astronomical Union designation for Pluto and other not- quite-planetary bodies in the solar system.
PLUTON: originally chosen by the General Assembly of the International Astronomical Union as a category for trans-Neptunian objects, like Pluto, that did not warrant designation as true planets. However, the term was already in use in geology to refer to a large mass of intrusive igneous rock believed to have solidified deep within the earth.
Another candidate name was PLUTONOID.
SMALL SOLOR SYSTEM BODY (SSSB): object in the solar system that is neither a planet nor a dwarf planet (e.g., a comet or small asteroid).


“Plutoed” Voted 2006 Word of the Year by American Dialect Society

Wow! This word really moved me. How often do we feel 'plutoed?' A ton. This year I think this is a good word. I think a lot of us seem small. Quite surprised that YouTube didn't get it. It is used more. '06 was the year of YOU. Hmm, quite interesting...

heating on God's time ...

My little bro’s heating went out on Friday where they had called promptly to get it fixed. They had called a company that was referred by trusted friends. They waited all day Friday but no one showed up.

Little bro wasn’t happy and was relaying his concerns to us over Sunday lunch. They planned on calling first thing Monday morning.

Mom could hardly wait to see if they had gotten their heat back so after a couple hours gone by, she called. Here what happened was the guy knew he had forgotten something but didn’t realize until Monday morning that he had forgotten to check on little bro’s heat. He apologized profusely and after realizing that the problem should have been caught with routine maintenance, he did not charge them for his own mistake.

After hearing this again I was reminded that often our time is NOT God’s time. He loves us so much that within His time, nice gifts come our way like not having to fork out money for heating when worries of classes and a baby in waiting are weighing heavily on your financial path. Isn’t He an Awesome Father?

I had planned to get my iMac all squared away and my blog updated today. My mood last night wasn't in a good placed but I had hoped with a night of sleep, I would be ready for a full day of nothing but apple stuff.

Well, wouldn't you know it! I woke to a foul mood. Getting an early wake up call from Mom had us going to our college town. It was in the works for today and I wanted to go to exchange the great sweatshirt I had gotten from my little bro for a smaller size.

The new bookstore is great. It has a fireplace and seating, a cafe, and pretty cool college gear. I made a mental note that we will have to get the new baby some college gear! I did get the sweatshirt exchanged but was a bit nerveous because I had no receipt (had tags tho!) You should have seen the M! I could have fit about 3 of me in it.

Well, nothing got done on my to do list. Opps, one thing got checked off and I must say this family outing put my mood straight.

widgets...

Wooohoooo!!! Love the Widgets, love the Dictionary, love the iCal, love the upgrades of the messengers. Much faster. More colorful. More, more, more to express! Safari works ok with my blog even though some things are missing. I did not like firefox but going to keep it on my system just in case. (bummer)

I have been so busy playing and trying to get everything updated and iSync I am feeling guilty because December has ended and I need to wrap up my thoughts for the month and the year. I have been making a list and checking it twice. Slowly but surely I will get caught up!!!

HK degree in memory ...

Suffering all weekend with a mental battle to why I couldn’t get that memory and Tigar installed on my iMac, I decided to once again try even with my food allergy headache clogging my thought process. I proved successful and can say I have a HK (hard knocks) degree when it comes to installing memory.

I hate to reveal this but I had gotten some memory some time ago. I installed it but the clips to hold at the notches on the memory just didn’t fit. For fear of breaking the memory bar or killing my iMac, I just let it go. There was no message that there was an increase of memory. Bummer.

But with my computer slowing down and knocking me off line because websites were becoming more advanced and to top it off, I was struggling with my favorite thing to do (blogging), it was a do or die situation. Plus, after being told that my machine could be upgraded and money invested, I was a horrible wreak.

So I tried again. I was putting the memory in straight and trying to push hard enough to get the clips to hold the notches. So this time I pushed the one side in and was able to get the clip to hold right at the notch! Could I hope for success? Then I pushed the other side in and what? Yes! I could clip the notch. Tipping the iMac back to his upright position, I was wiggling around with hope. Turning on and clicking system profile, I could hardly contain myself. YES!!!! The memory had taken hold. And when I put the Tigar upgrade everything worked beautifully. I am afraid of a long night tonight and I must go to work in the morning … grrrr

Thank You Heavenly Father,
For helping me even when I was throwing a temper. I am so sorry. I wish I could take these bumps more willing and with a soft grace. I needed these bumps because I needed to know more about my iMac. I needed to go to the library and find the books. I need to read up. I need the magic to work more efficiently and to make the iMac serve me instead of suffering because I was unwilling to risk.

Whew! These books are thick! There is a lot of stuff! I can’t wait to do new things. I am excited get past the beginnings and get to the writing. There is a new toy I can’t wait to explore. The Dictionary built right in? Excellent! No more running to get my favorite friends (dictionary & thesaurus).

You are All-Knowing and I must trust and lean into You more quickly. Thank You so much!!!
~ Your mac-crazed little girl