8 vital friends ...

Recently I have shut down all operations for understanding and making new friends. I have renewed efforts to maintain my old ones but just have throw up my hands and turned my back on present day trying …

Funny, how I still try to figure out this mystery of friendship. There in the 'new book' area at the library was a book called ‘Vital Friends’ by Tom Rath. So I thought I would pick it up and see what it said and if it would give me a different view point. This is a book more about a study done on having friends in the workplace and how it makes work a better place. Interesting concept and one I believe is true. I wonder how the author thinks this will go over with the bosses. I was quite surprised and taken aback out how some companies LIMIT the amount of contact you can have with other employees! I did NOT how bad it could be out there! Oh, one last point the author seemed to make is that you should have at least one friend covering each of the areas (small description below).

Ok, so I do have to share what I learned and also add my two cents. (sheepish smirk)

concepts from book :
A huge concept for me is that I focus too much on me. I have been always improving myself trying to be a better friend. Even though I thought I had detoxed from my addictive self help books and behavior, I had not cleared this out of my relational area. I don't think I've made the ‘rounding error’ of expecting my friends to be good at everything. Rather I think they should be just a tad more attentive something I think is very lacking in today's world. My wake up call is that I should be analyzing what is right with the relationship and what the other is bringing into the relationship.

The book breaks down into categories 8 traits of friendships:
Builder:
Motivators, pushing your strengths (coach)
Champion:
Stands up for you & what you believe in, your best advocates
Collaborator:
A friend w/ similar interests, familiar ground, foundation for lasting relationships (sames)
Companion:
Always there for you good or bad, can sense your thoughts, feelings, & actions (lifetime relationships)
Connector:
Bridge builder, networks, connecting others (hostess)
Energizer:
Fun friends, gives you the boost you need, lets you smile and laugh
Mind-Opener:
Expands your horizons & encourages you to embrace new ideas, opportunities, cultures, & people, knows how to ask good questions, & this makes you more receptive to ideas
Navigator:
Gives you advise & keeps you headed in the right direction, they help you know who you are & who you are not

my thoughts :
I like this list and have let my mind wonder through them. I have begun to look at people in my life and tagged them with one of the above. By doing so I know what they are bringing to me.

I believe there are opposites to each one like the ‘Builder’, I believe there is an Tear-down, ‘negatives’ would be my pet word. I have one in my life right know that I am at my wits end. So I working out in my mind how to build and possibly navigate him towards the positive. Well, this is all thoughts, don’t know if I am strong enough at the moment to withstand getting into the action with one so gloomy. No, he is not a friend but someone I have to put up with and would love to be able to keep my sunny side when he is around.

From this list I have the label of the friends I need in my life like a Collaborator Companion Builder Energizer. I am looking for someone who has a lot of sames because I am soooooo tired of feeling like a huge misfit. I want a team player who is playing for the team and not out for one because I really like doing things with someone and not by myself every moment of every day. I want someone to recognize my good stuff and love it and tell me about it. I want someone who knows how to refresh and revitalize all the good in me after a bad day.

Then to my surprise there are ones I do not care to have like the Mind-Opener. I am a Mind-Opener but I notice that others Mind-Openers tend to discredit my feelings or thoughts on the issue. They instead push their issues and beliefs. I am so tired of feeling inferior. I have jumped into life and had life lessons and am where I am today because I have been open to tasting life. I also like a healthy balance of limits or rules to keep me enjoying life to the fullest. I love to ask questions but here is where I get those Mind-Opener Mothers mothering me! Yikes! Get away from me! My feelings count and I would like to have some credit that I put the belly up to the table and pay attention. Not stupid here! I do have to give credit to a guy who was a great Mind-Opener for me. He listened and was able to steer me graciously by asking questions where I would answer all the while coming to another way of thinking. I felt secure and care for. I wasn’t discredited. Man, I miss him. I wanted to learn how he did that. I haven’t found another that could do it so well. Why do I tell you this? Because every one can be tagged by the list above but it takes someone pretty special to do it the right way or be tailored to suit the best in you. I know I want to be better ... opps there I go again focusing on self development

final thoughts :
This book is a guy writing out a theory and he is really on the right track. It is good for the reader to really work this out in their life. It is very important for all relationships to see the good the other brings to the table. There will be less break ups.