I have a bit to jaw on as I feel my world crumbling. So I have this math job when I am an English person who likes to write and read. I am a work horse and have made this job work since my like of patterns is in some sort math related. I have gotten this work nailed down with only a little that may goo out like mayo on a slightly smashed sandwich. I have a tiny office but it was just enough for me. In fact I got to choose the office and I chose it because it was small.
Work has consolidated another sister work into one making the work load a bit heavy. I have been going over the 40 hr limit to keep my head above water. I have nothing against the boss in fact I find that is the best boss so far but I have had some pretty ucky bosses. He has this idea though that I don't like. He has gotten me help but this person isn't a work horse but more of a show horse or a talking horse. You aren't going to get much help or team work out of someone like that. I hope this co-worker will prove me wrong but highly doubt it.
Then today the boss isn't wanting me to take my desk! At this place I have had some pretty lousy desks and work space but in those jobs I tolerated it. In this job I found and wanted a work space I could do my best work. It has a nice long flat area which is helpful with all the stacks of paper I deal with and it has a unique file drawer that is up high and files go from left to right in the drawer instead of back to front. This is great for the back when you are having to use these files constantly. I tried to explain why I wanted the desk so maybe I will get to keep it. I even want to have some say in the way it is position in the office. I believe designing a work space should enable you to work better. Let me tell you there are some offices that scream for a better space. Well, since they decided to do this move tomorrow and I am taking the day off, I won't have a say. I wonder if the other girl will have a say or if the boss has it in his head how it is going to be.
I just feel stupid and a cry baby about the whole thing yet I feel like I am not being heard or that I should just take it and hold it all in. I am finding that I can't and I don't know how to function. I hate looking bad and not taking something in stride is bad and unchristian like or so my feelings say.
I have been spiritually attacked on all sides. Because I feel so bad about my job, I am afraid of my attitude. I got to get it in shape. The economy is shaky and for the boat industry, it could be the survival of the fittest. Also, I know I would rather do a passion but creativity doesn't pay the bills. With all the changes at work, it is making my emotions really intense. Then I had a relationship from the past come back that I didn't want back. I did say no but I really hurt some one's feelings. It is not easy doing the right thing and I find myself second guessing how I did it. I had to say no but did I do it right without this person turning even further from God? All of this caused me to wish for a relationship from the past that was reallllllllly good to come back. I know it probably wouldn't be the same but I don't know why I was left and crazy me still misses the connection and the God talks. Today I saw him online. I said a simple hi just to keep the window open. Of course nothing. It was too much. I can't hold it together anymore. Tears was on the menu as I hurried to work. Then there is a guy that arrived at the same time I did who was there for a meeting so I got him settled. Guess what his name was? The same as the guy I wish would come back.... Talk about rub it in your face.
I did keep this relationship stuff to myself when a believer at work stopped by. She isn't a very good choice to talk about the matters of the heart. Any hint about guy stuff and she is off crushing my pearls! She is married too! ARgh. So it was a victory that I kept it to myself without incurring more pain upon my battered up heart. I did share my hurt about the changes and how purchasing is making it harder to do my job and that was ok too because I was able to keep it off her crushing me more and onto the Word. So there is a small victory here. She did suggest Psalms 139 and I did read and found comfort.
I can't wait to spend the day with my mom tomorrow. She is such a great friend and comfort. So tonight I am off to whisper a words to my Heavenly Father who will hold me in huge burly arms and rock me to sleep. I am hoping my tears are done and that He finds praise and thanksgiving bubbling up in my heart as He sings over me....
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