you want to report a missing person?

Who is he in relationship to you?
He was a really good friend. I felt the connection right off. We both marveled at the feeling of home we felt with each other.

Describe your relationship.
Our relationship from the start was one that I was very comfortable with. I could tell that I could talk about anything. It amazed me that I finally could talk to another person about spiritual things without any confusion. We were on the same wave length .. same language. Over the four years we kept getting closer where he asked if he could call me. Four hours plus chattering on the phone seemed so short because we felt we had finally mattered to someone.

Was he showing signs of leaving?
Oh yes, from day one he showed signs of leaving. He was trying to establish himself at the time. He had no real place of his own or computer. He relied on internet cafes. He did make connections with me. There was a conversation about how if I was still around enabled him to realize if I was a reliable friend. Then there was a time he was gone for 6 months. It was a long time for me to handle but it was ok because he was back. We just picked up where we had left off. To most people that is part of being a good friend. However, the last year we had made huge strides in taking our friendship deeper to the point where leaving and picking back up isn't an option for me. We were making plans on writing a book together. I felt that was a commitment. He sent be a leaving letter explaining that he was too busy and too tired. It really bothered me. He never left it open to him coming back.

Looking back I see that his leaving letter was a ‘rejection’ letter. I just couldn’t understand it. He did email me once every month after about where he was spiritually. I always felt the letters was not a personal letter to me rather to a group. He never spoke of how he was or how his kids where. Then somewhere in November I heard no peep from him. I personally felt he had a problem with flight whenever it got rough. I just never saw it as him leaving me rather his life was out of whack. I never saw the rejection as rejection till now. To me it was a disappearance. It still is.

What has this whole disappearance mean to you?
I was extremely angry about it. Disappearance is really about devaluing another and allowing the person to feel unworthy of your presence. I could not believe he would do this to me. I was conflicted if he was just that broken down or if I wasn’t worthy enough for his presence. Maybe I put too much into this disappearance. I tried to sweep it aside giving him allowances. I found that it only made me more mad at God than with him. I am finding out how deep it goes that valuing others and treatment is important. Your presence is extremely important. Withholding is abuse. No more excuses. I am not mad at God any more. I am not mad at him either. Disappointed? Yes.

My life has been a constant reminder that ‘I will not be where I am not wanted’, but there is another part to that equation to make it complete. ‘I will not be where I am not wanted so I will be where I want to be in my journey’ (~k). Love life. I refuse to give up on the Joy that has transformed my life. Part of Joy is enjoying God and all His creations. I am one of His creations. He delights in me. I cannot be forgotten because He has etched my name in His hands. I have pressed myself deeper into the side of Jesus. I can’t let go. I am more upright now and not so broken. It feels like I have come through it and into the sunshine.

I feel like I am more aware of the ‘wanting something bad enough you will do something about it’. It has always been there. I remember my mother at her wits in over my lack of pride in cleaning the sinks. Her final words have always stuck with me. ‘If it is important enough to you, you will move heaven and earth to do something about it.’ It might have been about pride in my cleaning but as this still haunts me as an adult, I must know what is important to me. I feel more certain that if I feel a disappearance coming on or a lack of enthusiasm, I will be putting the feet to the flame. I won’t be afraid so much to ask what is important to you. I will walk away more sure of who you are and with my head held high.

Disappearance and rejection is stuck and unable to let go. Giving excuses is also holding onto the wheel. Now that I recognize that I will be more carefree with my life. I refuse to hold the wheel. The best that has come my way has been because God was the only One driving. My most favorite and safe way to life my life is no hands. =)

quickie
hands-off off-roading=
* not trying to manipulate how you feel about me
* allowing you to disappear and not go crazy
* not being where I am not wanted but being where I want to be in my journey
* not making excuses for you but excusing myself gracefully to go out on the dance floor and love life joyfully (~k)

'so into you' letter