anatomy of the dispute ...

She asked a very plain and simple question. He projected what he thought was a problem and raised his voice and disrespected her. She used some code words that would get his attention later in an email. All she wanted to do was to call attention to his disrespect and his anger that was uncalled for especially in the company of others. He laid into her for not treating him as an adult and for not being a cheerleader. Distance became the safe place to be.

Looking back he projected a lot of what he thought on how she would respond. The more he could project the more he made it out that she did wrong.

Anger is a secondary response. Everything in the relationship up to this point was ok. (not super fine but ok- no issues on the radar). So why did he respond in anger when she asked the question? The question was asked very innocently and no agenda. She was hurt by his disrespect and his refusal to allow her to say anything. This is the beginning point. So why was he so angry?

Was there something bothering him about her or was he feeling overwhelmed with his own personality and being an adult now with responsibilities? He is studying to be a licensed physiologist. Isn’t he going to need some skills in communicating without projecting your own fears and rational into the issue at hand?

She has been searching for the right way to mend fences. So with anger being a secondary emotion and getting the feeling that he is overwhelmed and searching his own path in the adult world and owning his personality strengths and weaknesses, she is stepping back. It allows her to keep her hands-off the wheel and allows him to grow. Unfortunately, he sees her as an enemy and she longs to correct it. However, being 10 years further along in her journey, she has the ‘vision’ of what God can do when you are stuck in muck of our own personality. Great things come when God lets His Joy-Hounds of Heaven lose in your life. While she waits, she prays ‘sic ‘em’!!!

quickie :
*anger = a secondary emotion to loss, grief, failure, no control
*Q’s 4self – approachable? feel safe? listening? nice?
*why not ask ‘if anger is a secondary emotion, what is your core feeling?’
(a soft approach – softens you as well as the angry party)

personality vs privilege