where your heart breaks ...

My heart breaks right where I desire to have a bit of attention, to be valued, to be adored, to be loved. I don't need a stage with a huge spotlight. I am a shrinking violet type. No, I rather have a bit of starlight and pixie dust. And before you think I am off my rocker. Everyone's heart breaks for a bit of attention.

I have described this danger before as my tipping point and that still stands. Right where that need and desire to be liked is where I found myself tipping and finally falling off my place of faith. My biggest sin happens here. My biggest cry happens here. My biggest anger happens here. My biggest fear happens here. My biggest melancholy happens here. My biggest angst happens here. My biggest heartbreak happens here. My biggest torment happens here. And before you think you never, you too tip and fall here in this pit of attention aspiration.

My sin will look different than yours and you could go for years not thinking you will ever tip in your faith. It is important to explore attention needs and figure out what will make you tip and fortify yourself in filling up your love tank in the faith ways. There will be great times of lack. Desert times where living water will be scarce. You never want your desert time to be a wondering in the wilderness. Wondering in the wilderness comes because you lack faith. Desert times comes when God is strength training you. Know the difference. Are you plugged into the Living Water? Are you ready for when the heat comes?

This is what the Lord says: 'Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the Stream. It does not fear when the heat comes; it leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.'
Jeremiah 17:5-8

I wish that I would have been stronger and not tipped. I had a little bit of weight but I should have lifted more. As the years come and go from the fall, my wounds have healed and I have found to my greatest surprise is that I have fallen in love with God and I want to fall deeper. I used to feel dried up. I don't anymore. Where the heart breaks is still there and I am very aware of it. Yet, I don't feel so driven. I am more relaxed. Lonliness still perches heavily at times. When I droop and yellow, I go to the Stream of Living Waters. I talk back the Truths to the negatives and boost my faith by turning my face to my Knight on the White Horse (Psalms 18). Fairytales are true. Happy endings are authentic. Beauty can come from ashes.

My heart break will always be with me. It is my best teacher in being human and being God's beloved. It is also deep and I have more learning to go...

Hurricane Noel ...

She perked at this name when it was just a little storm two weeks ago. She used to know the silent he who lives downunder. He has never left her thoughts and she doesn't need another reminder.

Noel wreaked and brouhgt a lot of woes in his path down in the tropics before he became a hurricane and when up the East coast of the US. She doesn't like precious names used in storm naming. She remember her own named used in a cyclone touching his land and wondered if he thought of her. At that time she hoped it was good thoughts. Now that his name became a storm, she acknowledges he fizzled out and spun off into the unknown deep ...

wounded ...

She is there clutching her chest. Pain is sharp and dull at the same time. Breath short. Skin overheated. Cries overflow the soul. Teeth grit. Sometimes there is a void. She feels the dull steal over her. No matter. Her heart is broken in bits. She knows the steal will pour in and she doesn't want it. She rather have her heart fleshy and raw but does it ever hurt.

She is solid. She is tancious. She is strong willed. She is stubborn. She is a misfit. She is a half wondering if that is all there is. She is home. She is always here. He was always saying 'I'm back'. His son echos these same words. She shakes her head and the tears steal down her cheek every time a song hits home and there is a lot of that in country and enrique. She growls and tries to right herself... She gives in and goes to the Healer.

He has strong hands as He leads her into His office. It is a soothing sky blue and white clouds. She feels a slight numb as she floats into a conscious sleep. Here His whispers reminds her of her purpose and the dreams created for her to give. The Joy comes back and through the fog she feels the tingle begin to stream through her. It feels like strength. Her heart begins to throb. All too soon He begins to wake her.

Her hand reaches for her heart. It is there beating normal. No jagged bits. She looks into the Healer's eyes. Warmth and delight oozed over the brim of inner being. A smile popped and her eyes beamed. Wow!

"You will feel tender places in your heart. A wound healed doesn't mean you won't feel old pains again. It is a reminder of where you have been and where you want to go. It reasures you to go for the best and not settle for less. You just might break your heart again and don't be afraid of that. I made your heart soft and piable. Keep it that way. I made it so that your heart can break so that you will know love and joy that are both real and hard work. I am a Heart Healer. I mend and tend to your every care and need. I know how much you can handle and when you are overwhelmed, I sustain you. I am your God, your El Shaddai."

He heals the broken hearted & binds up their wounds. Psalms 147:30

longsuffering and kind ...

If you have read the previous entries, you would think I am having a break down. Not! I am exploring my dark feelings yet feeling pretty sunny. This week a radio speaker was talking about love being an action. (my soapbox scraps along the wooden floor, I jump on and yell here, here!) He lingered on love being longsuffering and kind (I Cor 13). It is like a reminder to me that even as I was left and he high tailed it out of my life most likely to lick his life-wounds, that I must be patient and kind if I truly love him like I think I do.

When I hear patient, I go to James 1:4 where it says 'let patience have its perfect work'. Often reading James you think of temptation - the bad kind like one of the obvious sins not the sin of going in head long without regard. I picture a horse on edge breaking through at the starting line before all the other horses. Ok yes, he isn't here for me to get all impatient with but it is a reminder to be patient as I pray to God for him and about him. If I love him no matter if he returns or not, I must love in my action with longsuffing and kindness. Embracing him with the Joy of the Lord - my strength - 'rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer ... (Romans 12:12)

Hmm, I wonder what this 'perfect work' will look like... mysteries!!!! what an adventure!!!

Martian Child ...

A 10! and bring kleenxs if you are a misfit. It rips your heart right open.

Don't you get tired of all the good byes? Doesn't your heart rip away more and more everytime someone leaves because for whatever reason they didn't give, it adds up in your own heart that you weren't good enough for them to stay? How do you cope? Imaginations are a more sure friend than earthlings any day! But when love is action it begins to melt the heart you have fortified with ice blocks to keep what is left of your heart from getting burned by absence and take aways that others seem to do to you.

Being a Martian Adult I see from both sides. I see wanting to go away into the imagination but the yearning to connect and the yearning to be accepted especially by at least one male outside family, keeps me trying to connect. So there you have it, me who is running away and running into head long, all the while standing in one place ... invisable.

A real true for me is that I am most likely a self imposed misfit. I have a stuborn streak with a mile berth. I don't go with crowd. I never like the crowd. It isn't that I want to be difficult, it is because there is a place in me that says go this way. It is important to be me and stop trying to be someone else. It is a huge struggle to be unique and accepted.

The movie is gets down and dirty in this misfit world. You cheer this father and son in their attempt to balance out their world - being themselves and connecting...

bye bye downunder ...

I had some not so happy feelings whisper to my soul this evening. Seems like everything Australian in my life is fading and fading fast. It has been a decline but again another phase seems to be coming apparent. 'Precious Gift' left me 3 years ago and I am still getting over it. I had my violent tear stage which was just horrid frustration and sadness. I had my reality phase when I allowed myself to really hear what he didn't say. That allowed the anger to be real yet that still did not get me over this habit. I began to heal even though I felt I would never get over him. He was a 'precious gift' and the returns of learning where still there. I would cherish that. I have to admit how long I would still continue to learn from the memories we made together. Would it come to an end without coming back to each other and make more memories?

Tonight a new phase silently came into my heart. A new sadness. I believe I am at the beginning of going on and living my life - just me. I have gleaned all I can from my time knowing him. I still have this yearning to pray for Joy to envade his life and for salvation for his kids. This was a gift given to me by God to shore up his life and his dreams in this way in the last phase. I will continue to do so in this phase. My heart and soul feel the life. It beats that you go on living and learning for myself. It isn't about what we shared together in our wishes anymore. How sad. It is wanting to be connected to someone and can't. I am just connected to myself. I don't feel that inner depth anymore. I desperately want that.

All lessons I have learned from someone, I make my own or I did not truly learn. I have brought some Australian things into my life for me and not to bring an essance of another person or place closer. I loved pumpkins and I tried to grow Australian blue pumpkins. I succeeded but they were diseased and I no longer can enjoy pumpkins because I discovered an allergy to them. I moved on to my love of citrus. I love lemons, limes, and oranges. So I am trying my hand at some indoor citrus. The Lime happens to be the Australian Lime Finger. It has showed some major signs of distress. I throw up my hands. Is everything Australian being taken from my life?

two leaves left ...

Neglect! Yikes, one of the days I returned to my apartment for a brief zip in and out while pup sitting, I was horrified as I looked over at my three citrus trees sitting in the perch of the west window. My AUSTRALIAN LIME FINGER drooped all its leaves! My Meyer lemon who always is quick to swoon for water wasn't showing any signs of distress. What!!!! Giving them all a drink of water, I figured all would be well again. Mine you, I gave them a drink about two days before. They are in clay pots so there is ample breathing room for them roots which I read that is what they prefer.

Next day on my quick trip in and out, I was beside myself over the major loss of leaves!!!! NOOOOOO, it can't happen to my Mate. I want this plant!!!! I want him to be happy, healthy, and fruitful!!!!! I am trying everything.

Third day in more dropped leaves. Two are left. I had expected them to fall of today too. They are holding on. I was trying to find info on this precious tree online. I guess he needs more shade than full sun. I moved it. I think the soil was too dry and that was a stress it could not handle. There where some leaves that yellowed so I feed it some food that contained iron. I guess citrus needs it to have green healthy leaves. I hope that didn't cause a problem... I still think it was lack of water.... No more absent minded, living in two houses, loving on pups, and forgetting to love on my citrus trees!

Oh by the way, don't turn me in to the citrus police. I am a newbie but I am very passionate about them...

write drought ...

Man! It has been ages since I've been here. Here is where my bf lives and I just can't neglect it. For me to put my thought out allows me to breathe mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Everyday I try to stop by but life gets in the way! Ok ok! Yes, I admit it my blog is my bf! It is an extension of myself and who better to be a best friend than yourself?

Like last Wednesday I worked late to do some catching up from the week off and when I got in my jeep, it would not start. The battery was deader than a door nail. Believe it or not it was a good time to die on me. Dad was close by and I only had to wait about 20 minutes. It took all night and I was left without time here. Then I had to do some pupsitting at my parents and I couldn't steal away for some pen time. Argh.

I do think and talk aloud. I jots notes down but it does nothing like here in llj land! I am glad to be back. While I am at it, I am figuring out how to scrape out more time to really put pen to the paper more. Yes, I've said that before and no results. What is habit making unless you keep trying until you find a habit that sticks? I will succeed. I must.

I wish for a writing space. I wish for writing time. I wish to write that book. I wish to make an account of the God-lessions I don't want to forget. I wish to write for me. I wish to write for someone like me. I wish to know if I am a one of a kind crazy or if there are others like me! I just wish to write well...

.:note:.
How do you spend your time when you are waiting for someone to come to rescue you?
Dig out the New Testament that you stuffed into your bag. Just start reading it. Time goes faster and you are not biting at the bit to be somewhere else! It is peaceful and guess what? You don't need batteries! I love the ipod but God's Word eases all your anxieties =)

Psalms 94:19 In the multitude of my anxietes within me, Your Comforts delight my soul.

my dearest Comfort,
Thank you for allowing my jeep to die on me at a perfect time. It happened on a night that my dad was closer than being at home. He was able to help and I got to eat supper out with my parents. If it would have been on the weekend, they would have been gone and I would have been stuck without help close by. Thank You for Your Ultimate Wisdom. You knew the perfect time. Huge huggers!

Perfect timing... I place my hope in Your perfect timing for my painting, my writing, and that huge and scary dream of that condo...
always your daughter

split beans & broken glass ...

A farm. The beans were harvested but two holding silos tops where gone. Not sure how much of his crop he was able to save. The house was gone right down to the basement. There was a red curtain still in one of the basement window and was blowing in the wind. Glass was all blown out. All of the huge farm buildings where gone. Not sure how many he had. There was a row of farm equipment where the one building stood. All that was left standing were two very small red shed like buildings.

She had a rock garden but it looked very weather beaten. It must have been lovely as you could see the care of the stones she had placed. The trees where standing but the tops where snaped looking like a monster had ripped the tops in jagged hunger. Pansies where blooming but holding to their roots as they tilted to one side in the wind today. Her kitchen table and chairs stood on some cement - lonely. Next month is Thinkgiving here. I wonder what they will rejoice over.

Pieces scattered every where. Roofing in pieces. Glass in pieces. Metal twisted in pieces. Plastic in pieces. Wood in pieces. Paper in pieces. Insolation in pieces. Pieces from lives lived but still living. No loss of life.

I think I saw the older couple that lived there. Most likely old order Mennonite by the looks of their dress. They had raised there family and were living there alone. So I am guessing that they were 50 or over. Will they rebuild? Will they trust God? What new things will come to their story? What will they tell others?

f3 tornado hits small town ...

Reports during the week was that there would be severe weather Thursday. October should be a relatively quiet month weather wise but we have had some tornados hit in this month in years past. It was a warm windy day so danger is likely. That evening the major tv channels were a buzz with reds, oranges, yellows, and those rotations on the maps.

Then there was a small hit in the county below ours. No bad reports. Then a tornado hit in a small town just to our south. Bad enough that the town was on national news! Our town in this path. Sirens wailed. The need to watch the western sky drew me to the window. The rain drops looked wild and weird as it pounded up and over my jeep. Then all was quiet. Things settled down. Telephone rang. Bro called to make sure we were ok. Except he is calling at the time the reports were saying we were getting hit. He is a worrier. That is ok. I could reassure him that things are quiet here.

I am a quiet worrier. It is all inside my head. Then I try to talk back to it with God's Word. Then it is seems like a vicious cycle of worry and God's Word. My thoughts were 'God is the Master of Storms. He can still them or He will hold us as the storms go wild and rage about us. He is there in the aftermath of clean up.' I wonder if I could withstand a hit. I still wonder ...

Today is clean up day. My thoughts are merky. I don't know what I will be doing today. I don't know if I will become emotional or not. I don't know how I will feel physically today. I don't know what I will do about food today - need it to do a good job and keep the mind of me - taking my own. I think I think to much. Today will be a training day to keep my mind stayed upon God who keeps us in perfect peace. It will be an experiment of making love complete.

agony of the right fit ...

It was a bust. ARgh! Why is it so hard to find pants? I need them for work. The old ones are bad. I wanted to find at the very least 4 not just the two that I got but have a bit of length problem. Why is it that I can find jeans but not pants?

can't wait ...

Today is the day I've been waiting for all summer and fall. I hope to achieve a big change. I don't want to share too much right now. Seems frivolous to me yet not. Seems even worse on paper than real life. I also don't want to come home disappointed!

I heard that sometimes a girl of my age wants to really change up things in a big way. I really don't know how that can be done but by small steps. But today I hope to make a giant step in an area of my life that needs it without causing to much angst in the wallet.

No, it isn't getting that condo. Much smaller. Maybe sillier. Keep guessing!

Off I go!

complete love ...

How can you have love complete and full in your life?
Love others then His lives in you and your love is complete.

Funny how things are so simple but veiled...

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 1 John 4:11-16 NIV

What about marriage? If I am a believer and he is a believer and we love each other but he has the doubts, isn't he doubting the ability of God's love to overflow in each of our lives thus overflowing the marriage in His Perfect and Complete Love?

{sadly shakes head}

move away from the 'table' ...

I made a break through earlier this year in the relationship department. Picture the relationship as a table and all you have in that relationship is what they bring to the table and nothing more. That means nothing hidden behind their back or under the table or what they left at home. ONLY WHAT IS ON THE TABLE. Yes, you will have to be creative but I decided that I could handle this and this concept has worked perfectly for me. When I know the other person really has nothing to bring, I pack everything I can. My catch phrase for that is 'pack the sunshine.' I believe this so much I litter my conversations with this 'table epiphany'. Now I must add to this!

Last week I felt I had a problem actually two to bring to HR. The one I should have kept to myself since I did have a conversation with God to leave a certain issue in His capable hands. I failed and brought it up with this other problem that alllllll I wanted was info NOT TELLING ME HOW TO FEEL OR ACT. One rule that every one breaks. ARgh. Anyway I became quite emotional after the 'kind telling me how to feel and how to act' REPEATEDLY I might add. I wanted to push her out the door and add a few choice words to her retreating backside. I didn't rather I was a weeping fool. Then after picking myself up, I realized that I knew what I would get if I came to her table! So hince my attachment to the table concept.

Do not eat at a toxic table!
Whoa! It is easy to not sit up to a table like this but what about when you are seated and you begin to chow down on acid! You are suppose to behave with lovingkindness. Pushing away from the table in heated discuss can only make more poison. Maybe a start is saying 'I need some time to think this over or I can't handle all this at one time - let me get back to you on this. or Hey, look at the time - gotta go.' Well, a thinker on how to handle it in the midst, but if you can detect the toxens before you enter into the fellowship - run!

a distress damsel psalm ...

I've hinted to the fact that I am in the backyard of my 30's. I guess I am freaking out a bit emotionally too - not at my age (suppose that will happen soon) but at these rollercoaster feelings and the knowledge of the craziness my mother felt. {screams} I just want to move through this phase of my life with all the good lessons I've learned so far like the joy and continue through with more joy, tranquility, and gentleness. I don't want anger to rule my life...

I connected few dots yesturday and I am on the point of breaking through to something huge for myself. It makes me quite excited and I hope that by weeks end when my vacation is ending that I have 'my own best friend habits' set in place. Meaning a way to fight back and save me from the 'internal social pressures' that run amuck in women my age... I am enough and loved.. Now lets take a look a woman's fairytale of a psalms!

One of the major connecting of the dots for me was reading Psalms 18 through the eyes of a woman instead of a soldier or through King David. Put on your female eyes and try it with all the muck that is going on in your life and include your fairytale story and see how this psalm changes your life...


Psalms 18: 1-6 speaks of your love for God and His Mighty ways in your life. Then you call out to be saved from your enemies. What is your enemy? Death - when you just want to live. Death for the woman is feeling like no one cares that your nose is the only thing that is staying above the torent waters. You are treading water but nothing is keeping you afloat. You are tired. You are doing everything and being everybody to family, work etc. Quite simply, you are trying to be the best you and the emotions and feelings are telling you 'not enough, you are just not enough!' So you cry out to God who has been there and has shown Himself to you before but you just not feeling it now and that makes you feel bad even worse.

Now this is the exciting part! Check out Psalms 18: 8-19! How many of us has dreamed of that prince on a white horse coming to our rescue? Why can't there be that rescue for this poor damsel in distress? HERE IT IS!!!! DRINK IT IN!!! See how our woes and distresses anger our God? He is enraged that the enemy is stealing our Joy and our strength. Here in these verses I am floored at the description of His Anger! {dances the happiest jig ever} Read that over and over until you feel it real in your life. Then watch Him swoop down and feel yourself swing through the air coming to rest behind God on His mighty white work stallion. Wrap your arms around Him and don't let go!

Psalms 18:20-24 is where you tell God what you have done in the right ways. It is an honesty check but when you have down the right ways and talk that out to God, you know by keeping His Ways there is blessing there. You are reminding yourself not God because He already knows. It is time for you to get into your path and see through. It is understanding that even when you do everything right and it feels like failure, that is the enemy talking. You talk back with the God-Blessings that you receive by doing right ways.

Psalms 18:25-36 is declaring God Attributes in your life path. Again it is you talking back or aloud about how your Prince has rescued you and has fought the battle for you. It is a self reminder not to get stuck in not being enough. That is death. Stay away from it. God is your Source. He is your Everything from Alpha to Omega. He is your Commander. He has your orders and the way to do them. He is your Husbandman and Keeper. He is your Creator and He sure created us a bit more intricate and intimate that man. He understands all our nuances. He made us this way for a reason - for marriage and for man. He created us naturing and beautiful - two aspects of His Nature. Who else should we go to if we are feeling used up and ugly? The Source!!!! Fill up!!!

Psalms 18:37-42 is showing how God Attributes come through us. He arms us with strength / joy for the battle before us. Look how we crush our destroyers! We are not destroyed. We have the victory.

Psalms 18:42-50 is praise to God who rescued us. We are His chosen and that does not mean we lay down and die. We arise and claim victory over all that seek to crush us. The enemy hates our beauty. Satan will do anything to undermine us. By doing so he thinks he can bring down God. We know this yet our actions say we don't believe that God is our Salvation and Rescuer. Time to live this Psalm out moment by moment. Our story is a romance story and it has a happy ending. Time to make victory in our middles....

{wails beating my chest it is so powerful}

sea glass {n}

Humans are much like sea glass or beach glass. Broken pieces of bottles or glassware ruffed down by rough water and sand are to humans - life experiences. Smoothed and simple, all the rough edges gone.

As I have been reading about sea glass lately, there are genuine and artificial means of sea glass. I equated this to the human experience of God changing us or us trying to change ourselves. A genuine God-change has a much better smoothing out ability. An artificial me-change still leaves edges and toxins!

genuine vs artificial sea glass

attic window ...

My morning was spent on my Jeep and getting carted home the long way. I did find something interesting and delightful to record here. Homes. I like looking at them and wonder what it is like on the inside. And just having seen a beautiful palace over the weekend, I am quite sensitive to all things that make a dwelling a home - what goes with what, what colors will go with dark.. etc. Anyway back to the exterior!

I saw this house painted in a shade darker than barnyard red and trimmed in white. It is an older house with two stories stacked on top and an attic window on top of that. It sat there in there central with a pumpkin beaming from its place. It was cute and enjoyable for a traveler like me on my long way home. Ahhhhhh to homes. Ahhhhh to inviting decorations. So simple and such a crazy gift to my eyes and being!

dreams vs REALITY ...

SWF seeks her own dream house - a skybox of sorts, a porch of sorts, a basement, and a garage.

I found it!

My living means today is a very small apartment. My passion of glass and painting makes my tiny kitchen part craftroom. I don't host or invite others over because eveything is like a bull in a babydoll china shop. If you want to feel tall or if you want to feel claustrophobic, come to my place. To me it is all about cozy. What I have is enough I know and I am learning to strip the excess off and try for having just the best. Being a semi-packrat, it can be hard at times but the right mood comes along I ride it for all I got and throw out. I am finding my creative engery a bit passive because I cannot spread out. I must clean as I go or I go a bit loony.

I look at my situation and I wonder why I am still here. I am an established adult single woman in the backyard of her 30's. Why am I still renting? I have an allergy to tobacco and where I live out of the 9 people I share the building with at least 4 of them smoke with all the smell coming into my apartment. Today I woke to a smoke smell not from cigarettes but to someone burning something. Yikes! I long to have a garage! I long to have a porch for growing things and just enjoying. I have been dreaming of my dream house for a long time now. I don't know for sure how long proabably since I was playing house as a wee girl.

Being single my search for a house that will not require mowing or much structure help. I don't want to have to pull Dad away from his own home and yard or depend on bros who have entirely different lives and directions. That means the house or condo is going to be more expensive than a fixer uper. I don't plan to do much searching because as I will later tell you is how the dreaming makes for me being very messed up. So there are these nice condos near by me and the parents. Something that tweaked my interest. So I braved up and went to check it out allllll by my lonesome. Now that is brave for me!

WOW! I loved it and that has been the only thing I can think about. Very disastrous since this is my vacation week and I really need to focus all my energies on painting. I doubt I got much sleep. But I really need to put my feet on the ground and focus on spacorizing my place and be ok.

Let me tell you all the good stuff! You open the front door to stairs. There is a door to the garage and if you go to the back of the garage (I found the exact place to put my beloved bicycle!) there is the door to the basement. It is not finished but all that space I would have a great place to plan out a glass shop and storage!! Oh wow! with an ikea mag, I could definately design a storage area (add to get list) to die for! Back to the entrace there is a nice window that looks out to rosebushes. I would put a nice pew bench (add to get list)so it would be easy for taking shoes off and maybe a nice coat rack. Sorry, definitely no shoes in this palace! You climb these stairs and it comes to a nice size livingroom with a sliding glass door with a small porch area. A small lovely wire table with two small chairs (add to get list) would be just right for breakfast and watching the sunrise! To the left of the stairs is a small kitchen. It is all done in black. I forgot to check out the sink. I would love a stainless steal. Wished I would have spent more time thinking about that kitchen. No stove or frig! bummer! (add to get list) It had an area with barstools. Not sure my oak colored table and hutch would look alright in the darkstuff. But it would have to! It had a west window. Good for the evening meal. I like to watch the skies. Being able to watch the sunset ranks very high on my list and I wasn't sure this place would cut it because there are a lot of trees. I was pleasantly surprised as this place being entirely on the second floor and the windows have great views east and west. I wouldn't have a south view and I might miss that having it now but having the east and west just might make up for that. It has two bedrooms with the master bedroom having a small walk-in closet and a nice bath too. Nice! It has a washroom for washer and dryer (add to get list) There are to areas on either side of the livingroom that one side would make an area where I could have bookshelves (add to get list) for a library and writing area!!!! The other side I could have my computers and craft area. Ideas and the get list are just piling up! Besides the huge price tag is the $95 a month for maintaince fees. No lawn mowing or snow sholving!

My biggest question is if the market is for the buyer and I see on the tv that sellers are adding nice incentives to the buyer's package, why can't I ask them to add a washer, dryer, stove, and frig of my choice without add to the cost? If I could I ask for a finished basement too or at the very least a nice storage unit from ikea. Ahhhhhh dreams!

I really need to rip the flyer to shreds and muck out all these dreams and plans I have. I have a week of vacation to enjoy and make the most of. No pining away for a skybox of dreams. I have my skybox right here and now. I don't have to worry about utilities and maintainance fees. I don't have to worry about the inflated property taxes that are ever skyrocketing. I don't have to worry the cost of fixing anything that is broken. I don't have to bear the burden of something soooo big on these wee shoulders of mine.

As I was climbing out of my jeep that will cost me $1,300 dollars when I take it in tomorrow to fix a stearing rack problem, I asked God what the purpose of teaching me independence of others instead of dependence.

I've been reminding myself that Jehovah Jireh, the Lord provided. I am ok where I am at in a wee home without worry vs a really nice home and not being able to enjoy because I am slaving away at bills that threaten to take me out.

hated & favored

There seems to be a paradox of sorts... well, honestly there seems to be quite a few in the Bible, but I thought I would work one out. {sighs} well, maybe!

You will be hated in this world vs God's favor/ man's favor

I've been thinking about favor for a bit now and I think it is safe to say that it is very normal to feel a bit alien here and yes, hated! So when I am feeling God's favor and yes, man's favor, I know that isn't coming from man but rather God. (Cursed is the one who trusts in man- Jeremiah 17:5-8) So whether I am hated or walking in favor, God is ultimately in control not man and I find comfort in that. Wow, do I sound confusing or what?

I've been thinking about Joseph's story. Thrown away by his brothers, falsely accused of rape, and thrown into prison, Joseph still had God's favor and even man's favor. He is sitting in the midst of this paradox! What is meant for bad, God makes it good. I think you can go futher and say that when you feel hated, God will make it good in your soul's path...

The favor given Joseph overflowed and he was able to save the entire chosen race. Amazing. Keep the FAITH. Always mediate on these great Bible stories. I may not answer this paradox to my statisfaction but hey, a mystery is always unfolding, always giving... more for me to discover...

Moody October!

October finally arrived today swooshing out summer with its huge blue comforter blanketing the sky and winds bringing in cool temps to scurry us into fall coats. I loved October moody ways because the earth is still clothed in gold from the crops the farmer is harvesting. Then there will be days when the sun will be out in full but that will be another day. Time for stew! mmmm

Oops, have to share .. On the way home a young black cow was skipping around. What a delight!!

control emotions by thought ...

From the book 'Quiet Leadership' there is a model of how we make our habits. Picture a big rock half in the ground and half out. What the rock is resting on is thinking. From the bottom of the rock to earth level is our feelings. From the earth to half way to the top is our behavior. Then the peak is our habit. Ok, now enters a girl who is resting heavily in her late thirties remembering this was the age her mom's emotions were sort of wacking out much like her own wierd ups and outs.

I am looking at this model thinking 'so there is a way to control my emotions?' It is about what I am thinking? I am soooooo trying to 'whatever is true, noble, just, pure, lovely, good report, virteous, praiseworthy - think on these things (phil 4:8). And that verse that spoke to me as I was entering my workplace - 'Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee.' I must keep the faith and toe the line with my thoughts.

One draw back... You gotta have a good word of validation in there somewhere. I am finding it hard to come by. God covers it all the bases, but having family and friends give you a pat feels good to. Sometimes you just what God with some skin on.

Try thanking, appreciation, validation, recognition, affirmation, confirmation on some people today... it softens their behavior... and sure could use some today...

wacky October ...

I cannot believe we are seven days into October. It has been reaching high 80's this past week and the promise of 90 today! It has been wild to still be wearing shorts and tees and sweating to boot! October is usually about long pants and long sleeves but not this year. I like my four seasons and as I say that I have been relishing this summer like weather. I have been taking my Saturdays walks and thanking God for this opportunity to get out and enjoy His Creation. The clouds were out in hosts and pretty fierce like. I totally loved the blues and whites. Pure Heaven.

By the end of the week the real October sounds like it will show up. Jeans, long sleeve shirts, jackets, and blankets just might come out. Our bodies might go in shock! {smirks} Right now our visuals seems a bit wacked out with some of the leaves turning and Summer hanging on for dear life.

The Fall leaves are said to be less brilliant this year because of the summer weather. Bummer. But that is ok. I will enjoy whatever the day will bring.

darkside of friendships ...

Today I am going there. Where? To the dark side of friendships. I love quotes. You know that big Barlett's quote book? I found the page that had friendships and photocopied them. I starred them my favorites and kept them in a notebook. I think I did that way back in college. Since then when I worked in a bookstore I was able to purchase my own weighted copy of Barlett's quote book! Last night I happened upon my photocopied quotes... What I was drawn to where the ones NOT starred - the ones that I absolutely felt are way off based and not worthy of notice... until now after decades of friendships come and gone have colored my views. Lets see a few!

'The first tempation, upon meeting an old friend after many years, is always to - look the other way.' UGO BETTI
Old friend after many years apart? Yikes. My young soul would not have had many years in between {sighs}. Well, I do believe tis true that you want to look away. More for me I would be beating down his chest for a reason why the space between us. Yet, I would want to look deeply into his soul and find the old him, find the fresh scars and old wounds, and delight in his dreams accomplished and new breaths he wants to take. It is rediscovery that is the best choice...

'Friendship [n] a ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.'AMBROSE BIERCE
I don't like this one but I live in a world that most feel this true. I cannot believe how many people out there HIDE! They never ever truly share! I could never figure this out and don't want to. I still share way to much and still have people reject me. Friendship is for the bad weather! ARgh! I am so glad I have a FOREVER FRIEND!

'Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.' SAMUEL BUTLER
I understand the how insane it is to keep friends. The amount in my empty wallet equals the amount of friends. I don't seek friends. I let them come to me. I believe friendship is like money in the fact that it is hard to make and keep.

'It's no good trying to keep up old friendships. It's painful for both sides. The fact is, one grows out of people , and the only thing is to face it.W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM
Whoa! I agree to this statement only in the fact of those 'friends' that you create in the workplace or whatever place you find yourself in, you just might move on and outgrow. But deep friendships are simply 'throw-aways'? Wow! Hate this one. Not my view but again I live a world full of this.

/// the kicker ///:
'We need new friends; some of us are cannibals who have eaten their old friends up; others must have ever-renewed audiences before whom to re-enact the ideal version of their lives.'LOGAN PEARALL SMITH
Remind me never to be friends with this logan guy. I know this is a view of people. Very sad indeed and because of this pain people feel is spewed outwardly on the rest of us.

So all of this uck is very dark and my young soul would not have withstood such a lurking place. I am stronger now. Will always hate the darkside of friendships but maybe my new outlook will bring more light and a better soft place to land. Knowing what you are up against, helps you see others with the veil pulled back. Counterdictory to say, but easier to love them...

clarifying ...

What a difference a day makes! I love coming here to put down my thoughts. It clarifies. I have used this space to empty out and become more at peace with who I am. I never thought I had a lot of words but I am realizing that I do! My problem is there are very few who listen so I just get tired. Being quiet around others is much easier. Here I let the words tumble out. I also get to listen to other bloggers where maybe a topic is interesting but mostly it is what the writer pens that makes the topic interesting. Sometimes I realize that maybe how I pen isn't up to standard. So I keep trying to write better. It is two fold - therapy for my heart and soul and practise for my writing. Sometimes I get jealous when I see the encouraging comments on every entry! I toil on. My time isn't yet.

I really need to hunker down, take a whiff of fresh paper and ink, and begin to get serious! Here I thought I was earnest! I know growing pains! These feelings are growing pains telling me to make some good habits on my writing passions.

messed up ...

Depression.

Wheeeee, I have been having some really funky emotions lately. I can't pinpoint the reason. My happy should be up with all the fish and fish oil I consume. My Joy should be up because I am more in love with God than ever before and ever thought possible. So what is up? Ragweed? The pre-M word?

Once again someone had to jump to the conclusion about the d-word.

Proverbs 12:25 says "Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad."

I must admit I am starving for a good word. My main love tank has been on empty for a long time. People are really getting on my nerves because they cannot follow through on their word! Oh, how we can change the world with good word. I saw it with my own father. I saw the anxiety starting to mount and I gathered family to say some good words. It worked! Not everyone partook of this experiment, but for those of us that did, it was good to see!

Proverbs 20: 3 says "It is honorable for a man to stop striving since any fool can start a quarrel."

Hmmmm, I was striving to get an answer to a question about work today. I felt the angst and quarrel begin to turn my insides out. No, I was not seeking to fight. I am just having a hard time trying to understand how the system works. I know I was having difficulty trying to phrase the question right, but I most definitely wasn't getting the answer I needed or thought I needed. I dropped the conversation and walked away with tears in my heart. What is wrong with me? Oh, I was striving and way too hard. The striving causes the angst and sparks a quarrel! Wow! I wondered at this proverb... Striving doesn't seem like a bad word... but it is very dangereous!

No wonder I am having deflated thoughts! NOOOOO it is not depression but if I don't get some of my love tanks filled...

Time to water.

Proverbs 11: 25 says "The generous soul will be made rich, and he who waters will also be watered."

.: formulas :.
depression = anxiety
interference = striving

performance = potential - interference/striving

good word ÷'s anxiety = glad heart

change or not?

When is it good to change?
When I ask the question like this, I am also saying that there are going to be times when change is bad. I am all for learning and learning by all means is a force of change in your life because of the excitement you get over new stuff. But when someone begins to label you by asking you if you are part of the change or if you are part of the problem, there is something wrong... Are you allowed to question change? YES!

I have a huge pet peeve. IF SOMETHING CAN BE DONE BETTER AND MORE EFFICIENTLY, CHANGE! MAKE A NEW HABIT!!!!! and this is the only time change is good. Why must we bang our heads against the same wall before we realize that we could save precious brain cells?

No, I am not perfect. But I do try to always do better than before. If something is too hard, I am always trying to find an easier friendlier way. Life is hard enough so why would I want to make it harder!!! People bump into each other daily if not every moment. Be careful. Change is only good when you are doing in your own life and performance. Change is bad if you are trying to make it happen in someone else or if you bulldoze over another's feelings and life experience!

I do believe I got my soapbox out!!!

waste not ...

God does NOT waste my sorrow, nor my pain. Rather He redeems my tradegies with His Glory.

I have been thinking about 'waste not' a lot lately. I am finding it in the little rebutals I retort out loud in the quiet spaces of my home when I am trying to figure out who I want to be. I am trying to stand firm with what I say to what I feel deeply inside. I have high values and desires yet when it comes to my mouth, I am not as confident sounding. I blame my ever sweet shy side. I hate sounding closed down. See, I also like to known as a good listener. Oh, the excuses I am coming up with!!!!

I have desided that 'waste not' is a good way for me to really align my words with what I really want to do with my life. Here are a few marching orders:

* I will not waste my relationship with God on impure actions. I don't have time for curious about the things of the flesh or the things of human nature. I am bought with a price. (1 Cor 6:20 & 7:23)

* I will not waste my time over the future state of me like wondering if I will finally own my home (yikes .. stomach just bottomed out!) or if I will finally find some poor chap who can stand me enough to stick with me in marriage (puppy eyes). God only promised me today. So why waste my time? Daydreaming is fine but only if it is productive in the creative department! So it is what is on my plate today and that it enough! No more borrowing trouble of what might not be.

Joseph-Moment ...

I have been listening to Joseph's story again especially the part where his brothers who discarded him and now where before him asking for food during the famine. I began to wonder if I would have a Joseph-moment like this one. Would I get to meet a once precious gift again? See I know his face and his voice. He only knows my voice. It could happen.

I would embrace him. I would also drink him in so to speak. I understand the picking-up-where-you-left-off but I have embraced learning everyday and I have changed each day even though it seems a slooooooooow process to the outside world. It has been 3 years. I have changed a lot and it has much to do with being discarded. So if I should be entrusted with a moment like Joseph, I would really look and pick over his all his parts - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual - to take in his old scars to see if he still was that 8yo I fell for, to take in new scares to learn of his battles, and to take in new growth to learn more about the new him. I am picturing the monkeys picking over the furs of others and eating the grubbies!

Ah, wishes and dreams....

I pitch my tent in the land of hope. God works in amazing ways... In this moment God is Fathering him and that I fills me up with peace....

second hand suffering ...

Last year I heard about second hand stress and connected with it. Just this week listening to the story of Job's wife and how she suffered from second hand suffering. These types of suffers suffer more than the one who is sick or in pain! I believe it.

Often the Bibles gives bare facts needed for the reader's journey. That is where mediatation helps you slow down and discover more. I never really like Job's wife until now. Job was an upstanding man and father in the community that is until Satan came into God's court spouting out that Job only loved God because He poured out blessing and favor upon Job. ''Oh, really?'' God said. ''Let Me show you how much Job loves Me. I will do as you say. I will take his blessings and gifts.'' God knew that Job would not renouce Him.

Ok, look at Job. There he is sitting in the town trash heap covered in ashes because his skin was itchy and on fire. All his cattle and his sons and daughters are dead. Job once a rich and wise man now is hardly a breath. His wife comes to him and says to curse God. Why would she say that? What I thought was lame I see as how she really cared about his suffering. She knew that if she couldn't take much more of his suffering, he must be reaching his breaking point. If he cursed God and said enough, Job would break the cycle of tribulation that rested upon him. Job being patient said, ''don't talk like the foolish women. Rember God's Faithfulness.'' There is nothing more said here about Job's wife. The story ends where he is blessed again with sons and daughters. Job's wife stuck around! Interesting!

So did she see Job's remark piercing her spirit ever fierce and gentle at the same time? Did they hug after this tiny discussion? Did they cry tears of pain laced with joy as they recounted the blessings given to them in their days together? I believe so...

Yet as I see Job's direct precision on his wife's pain for him, he stilled had to have God's ever direct precision within his own life. God's directive was much longer and stronger! God spoke out of a storm! Job's story is still a mystery... When you read what Job said you marvel that he was wrong to say these things... just more to meditate on...

and how much more humble I need to be... We know not what is going on in God's courts but we shall see all the annuals of heaven. I can't wait...

Back to second hand suffering... I believe good help meets struggle with this. What a story to really take in and live out...

hide yourself away ...

My mind is still on the fleeing ... from sin.

"Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. ''Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. "I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty." Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.
II Cor 6:17 - II Cor 7:1

Proverbs 27
¹² The prudent see danger and take refuge,
but the simple keep going and suffer for it.

²⁰ Death and Destruction [a] are never satisfied,
and neither are the eyes of man.

²² Though you grind a fool in a mortar,
grinding him like grain with a pestle,
you will not remove his folly from him.

This is more for the strong. You never will believe that something so small can take you out. That soft spot, that yearning wish or need will take you out. HIDE!

no follow through ...

Emotions. Well, female emotions... I was going along having a pretty decent Saturday. Tidied the house - check. Took my weekly walk - check. Started to paint - bam. My emotions bottomed out. I had moments of tears. Come on! I am still taking my happy fish oil and been eating well. What could have triggered this? I living the single life don't have to deal with others bumping into me emotionally so it would seem that I was doing fairly well. Unfortunately these tears would drop me into a pit of aloneness. On Sunday good ol Mom was easy to confide in that my emotions had taken a turn for the worse. On Friday the me who was excited about the idea of finally doing the creme da la creme of craft shows could really happen this year just felt that the girl I had dropped seeds of hope would ultimately fail me like all the others. I was hoping she would do a table with me this year.

I want to do this craft show that is huge coming up the first weekend in December. I have already done two shows that went bust. I want a show that I can get rid of the glass that I live with every day in my small ever shrinking apartment. Mom can't because she has to work. I have dropped hints to my sister-in-laws and no bites. I can't do this show by myself, it is tooooo huge. I have prayed about it and really thought that on Friday, my belief and hope was coming true.

Now I just don't care. Funny thing too my mood lifted yesturday but it doesn't mean I am feeling alright about my passion. I do have a lot on my paint table right now. Now I got to dig deep for some gumption. Funny how I can say I am ok but when I go to write it out, I still get that twinge of grr slipping out everywhere...

Why is it that my biggest pet peeve is people who say stuff and never follow through? I know I am anal...

my love story to Him ...

I had a troubling 'bump' with a chatter so much so that I could not wait to come here and figure out my words. I guess what is sad that if you say you are a Christian and don't do certain things and their response is that they are Christian too. I believe that there are certain values that all believers should hold to. I shruggled from not sounding like I was judging to trying to keep it about what I want in my life to knowing what I should say to wondering if I should state no without giving reasons for him to counter. I needed time to think and 'talk back' with what God's Word had to say. Now is this time to spout out!

Often in church I find my mind racing with talking to God and seeking God's Word for answers. This morning I was not disappointed. I found myself 'talking back' the words of comfort I needed. I want my no to be no and my yes to be yes. That means I want to be confident in my walk without waffling. Grrr to wanting to be nice. I guess what I want to be able to do is walk away with being frustrated and angered. Very hard indeed but I must remember the enemy is a thief. To rob my house would mean the thief would have to steal my joy and leaving me frustrated and angered. Jesus said 'how can anyone enter a strong man's house and carry off his possessions unless he first ties up the strong man? Then he can rob his house. He who is not with Me is against Me, and he who does not gather with Me scatters.' (matt 12:29-30) I need to send Jesus to the door.

Well, back to my 'bump'... If someone wants to talk, I try to listen and chatter back. I guess I should have just said no not available. I did state no many times but in many ways. Then I thought it was a traveler trying to figure out a curiousity so I tried to drop the hint that it was dangereous to have a curiosity like that. Then stating that I was a Christian brought on that he was a christian. Yikes. He wanted to know if I had this curiousity. I stated that I was too old and weathered meaning that I've been on this life path long enough to know what I want and need in my life. I won't be messing up. I asked his age. 33 going on 34. Well, I could understand that curiousity. I was still hungering for attention and value. Still do at my age now but now devoted to living my love story cleanly and purely.

That is the whole point of this ramble. If I love God, I must show my love to God ACTIVELY. My love for God will pale compared to His Love for me. He laid down His Life so that I could have everlasting life. What greater love has no man than this to lay down his life for another?

"Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"
"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:28-31

I am a co-author in my love story with God. I want it to be very good and extremely special. I want God to feel and see my love. I want my love to be real. No coasting for me! I view strength in that verse as physical meaning body. I want my heart, soul, mind and body to be pure. I want to love God with all four parts of me. God is sees it all even here online. I like God-boundaries because that means He loves me so much that He wants me to enjoy this life path He has given me with out being in bondage to the thief.

If I strongly abhor telling others what to do, feel, or act... how do plant God-Seeds? {Thunk my own head} ASK QUESTIONS!
What is the greatest commandment? mark 12:28-31What should we think about? phil 4:8 What part of you should you guard fiercely? proverbs 4:23 How do you guard your life? luke 21:19 What should you stand firm too? back to Mark 12:28-31!

No, I doubt whether I would hear the answers I was hoping for but my asking him questions, sets him up to start seeking. And when you start seeking, God will open your eyes.

Whew, I feel better now... I know what questions to ask now... in the moment the questions don't come easily.... wished that it did...

Dearest Great Lover,
I want You to find pleasure in my love. I want to stand firm in my love for You. I don't want to deny You but it is the easiest thing to fall down when it comes to matters of acceptance and value. It is ok for others to deny me. I don't need them for You are all I need. I am reacting stronger now but I want it to be a constant. If I claim to have such tenacity then I must share it all with You.

I do ask for guidance and love for a soul that claims to be a christian. Help me ask the right questions. If he is truly Yours, You will deal with him. If he should not come back to pester me, I hope maybe with what I said in a feable way will still stir him to ask his own questions....

Thank You for Authoring me and designing my life path. I love You. Thank You for loving me first and always.
~ your little girl

.:note to self:.
~new words~ I am a born again believer of Jesus Christ who paid with His life to love me. What more can I do but love Him back will all of my body, mind, heart, and soul and to do so purely. I have high standards for myself. My no means no. end of conversation.

If I was a strong willed child (did not conform to peer pressure), I certainly need to retain my strong willed tactics in my adult years!

enduring love ...

Love endures. Love has faith. Love has hope. When single one says of course my love for him will last forever. Ok, I believe you because I feel that and want that too. Then I look at my love life with my God. Is my love for Him enduring? faithful? hopeful? Or do I go into fits of sadness and questioning?

When some of 'Job's trials' visit me, my love for God canNOT falter. It must endure. It must keep the faith. It must hope. I need to meet God's Love with all of my love. His out does mine by far. He knows that but I want Him to delight in my love that I give to Him. Love is work but work that I will delight in.

Storms and tragedies reveal who you are. I want God-love to be what you see. Satan was bending God's ear telling him that Job only loved God because He poured out favor upon him. What happened when God stripped Job of every earthly treasure and on top of that took his health? Job still loved God. Hmmm... when you look at it like this, can your love endure? When the Lord giveth good gifts and taketh good gifts, can your love remain faithful? When you are bare and clothed in ashes, can your love still soar in hope?

time to pump joy - increase your stregth...

2 f's ...

Two favorite words at the moment that stop me in my tracks when I read the Bible are: flee and favor. It is like a treasure map. It is fun to because I am not really seeking them out. I know it to be God meeting me at my seeking to better understand how to flee and to understand favor of men in relation to having God's favor...

You probably have noticed the tread already in my writings... {smiles}

stranger danger ...

I was listening to a radio speaker talk about the Good Shephard using Psalms 23 and John 10. This would be a butterfly effect {winks @ my precious gift} - where something from the OT matches to something in the NT like one wing of a butterfly mirrors the other. I jotted down the reference to John so I could read it later in the quiet of night time. I discovered that my Heavenly Father very much wants us to understand stranger danger. In fact has instilled in His sheep the instinct to FLEE.

a stranger will they not follow, but will flee from him: for they know not the voice of strangers. ~ John 10:5

If you read this passage and start to ask questions from it you will see that the voice of strangers = thieves. And He isn't telling His sheep to flee but they don't know the voice of strangers that they flee meaning the flee instinct is already woven in the heart of His sheep.

Oh how often do I allow my heart to get numb to the voices much like little children are tempted by the candy man even after parents have instilled the fear of strangers. Just because I have become an adult doesn't mean I am immune and don't have to protect myself. It is difficult to flee unless you begin each day and each relationship with God-Alone. Thieves don't hang about when the Shephard is around. It is when you are in midst of a relationship when you realize that the person is really a stranger to you desire to live in God's Way that it is most difficult to flee.

John 10:5 is cleaning out my ears to better hear my Shephard's Voice.

relationships ...

Looking back over my path, I have noticed that it all focuses on one thing - relationships. For an outsider, my biggest flaw would be too much 'hanging on'. For an insider, it is saying 'I am always here' to the ones who say 'I'm back'. This year I can finally say I am at peace with others. I like to make lists. It clears up and puts to order what I have discovered. This is my Relationship list:

1) You CANNOT tell others what to do.
I've have always felt on edge when I had others tell me what to do especially my bosses. I used to feel bad but not any more. I am proactive with solutions. I do not wait for reviews nor do I set myself up by asking for a solution. I prevent others quietly and respectfully from telling me what to do. Now if I don't like it when others tell me what to do then I cannot tell others what to do even unconsciously by giving them advise. I know try to be on my toes and make them think and find their own solutions. I plant 'seeds' by asking questions. Never why questions.
2) You CANNOT save others nor fix them.
I stumbled into this one having a discussion about not telling others what to do. I had to stop because unconsciously I do this. It is ok for others to make mistakes. Their solutions or their path is not going to look like mine. My path is uniquely God-Designed for me. I like different.
3) You can only work with what others bring to the table.
What did they bring to the table? Don't worry about what they didn't bring or what they have hidden under the table. Maybe they didn't bring much. You don't know why. Don't get stuck there. This is where you get to be creative!!! My pet words are 'pack the sunshine.' I am bringing the party. I am determined to have a good time for all. The enemy is a thief and I am keeping the joy.
4) Be choosy with those you keep around you but be friendly to all.
Whoa! If you wanted to be my friend, I was going to try to keep you. Not a good idea. I can be choosy with who gets close to my heart and soul. I am learning to 'flee' from the voices that I do not know. John 10 talks about 'stranger danger' and it isn't for just little kids. If it is not the Shephards voice, you do not follow! I can also say no. Saying no doesn't mean I lost my nice girl. Saying no means I am protecting my wellspring of life. Being alone for my entire life made me accept behavior from others that I didn't need to. I just wanted a tiny bit of attention. Not any more. If I have been alone for this long, I can go more miles alone. I am keeping my hand in God-Alone.
5) Trust is earned. Respect is given.
When I searched my blog for a piece I did on respect, I was shocked at how many times I have talked about respect! It is one of my many soapboxes! [r-e-s-p-e-c-t]

Well, this is what I am living by these days. I am must more at peace with my world. No more wasting time with worrying about what wasn't brought to the table. More time to see into the eyes. More time investing...

food, sails, craft ideas...

1. I found a nice eggplant at a farmer's market. I enjoy eggplant and I hope to make a good dish or two from it. I also got pear butter made without sugar. It is better than my own pear jam that I made last year from our bounty of pears. (no pears at all this year!) I will be making corn cakes soon and smearing my new pear butter on it!

2. I enjoyed watching some sail boats on Lake Winona back in my college town. I enjoyed the sights of the place. Very cottage-esk making me wish to have a summer home here.

3. I nosed around crafts today getting ideas for my own painting and ideas or wishes for my home. Oh, to have my shop of glass!!!!!

*Final destination was to sit with my baby niece. First few hours were good but she is stuffy and having her first bit with a cold. She got cranky and cried a lot the last hours with her. When Momma held her, she went to sleep. Grrr.... I wonder how we will bond as she grows.... It is all about what attracts us and what we are willing to bring to the table...

I got one pix of Tink the dog. He was having his nap and was looking very cute but I got no pix of my baby niece. {sniffles}. I was hoping to get a few and a possilbe video clip... another time....

choosy and proud...

Low and behold God has restrains on making friends. Be friendly yes but be choosy with friends!!!

The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray. Proverbs 12:26

I have been so focused on being a good friend and trying to be stedfast as I wonder why friends walk away from me that I guess I never really thought about choosing friends carefully. I never was the one to make the friendship. I always let the other make the first move. Hmmm, I am finding it is quite alright to say no to those who pose a friendship yet harbor unpure motives or selfish gains. It does not mean that I am unfriendly or mean. It just means I am being a good friend to myself. Who else will be there when all others have faded? ME!

& God-Alone...

treasured loot ...

The black squirrel was all over that oak tree's branches. I kept hearing pings and clunks as this furry creature scampered to the very ends of the twigs and popping acorns off their perches. Watch out below! Explain an flying acorn injury to your doc! He was fast too and very verrrry daring. Many times I was catching my breath as I expected him to go tooooo far and belly smack on the pavement or nosedive into the pool below the tree. He used the white picket fence to make a flying leap into another tree. His mouth always was carrying his loot. Its fall. Not my best time as hayfever kicks in and mozzys are thick and carry a death disease. Much better to say inside but by a big window to watch the earth a busy in harvest.

Tuesday 911

It is Tuesday the same day of the week six years ago.  The morning skies are moody today not yet the cornflower blue like then.  Upon the coming of this day I wondered if the day would feel the same as it did then.  Memories of who I was and where I was in my life adventure have been washing over me.  I am different.  Better.  Improved.  My professional world changed from a deflating atmosphere to one where I can be new.  Some of my friends that I thought dear are lost.  I long for one of them yet thinking back to that time, he was off and unavailable.  The biggest feeling was to connect with all my loved ones.  It is a feeling that nags at you when you have witnessed raw pain.

Daddy is NYC today for a security convention. I didn't want him there but if worry says God isn't big enough, I won't go there because my God is BIG ENOUGH. I read a few words of comfort today. God doesn't waste our sorrow. He redeems our tragedies with His Glory. I like that. I KNOW that.

You have been a Refuge for the poor,
a Refuge for the needy in his distress,
a Shelter from the storm
a Shade from the heat.
Isaiah 25: 4

Be Thou my Vision

Sept 11: '06 more secure?

3:10 to Yuma

This movie is alllll MALE and a modern western. Rated R for the out right shooting. Why would you see me there in a movie seat to see this one? Before the movie was because of the two main characters who are good with their craft. After the movie was because I could experience what men are afraid to let women in on - their constant striving to protect their own. Oh btw, I would rate this movie a 9.

This movie is all about watching the eyes. It is very raw. You have two sides. Evil and cunning vs fairly good and desperate. These two sides are attracted to each other in a very odd friendship of sorts. I kept cheering for the father to stand his ground and not break. The outlaw's words were soooo enticing. You felt yourself fall into that uneasy friendship. You felt for the outlaw as well as the desperate father. It would be so easy to give in and take the money - money that would keep his ranch and his family for many years to come. I kept wondering through out if good was going to come through. Was the father going to do the right thing? I won't tell you what happens. You can go and see for yourself.

For the woman wathing the movie you got to experience the life of every man. Every true man wants to live in honor. Every true man that is married and has family to keep, honor is making sure the family is protected. It is an every moment struggle. The wolf at the door never sleeps and man must not either. NOTE TO WOMEN: Never let shame of or doubt in or dishonor your man ever reach your eyes. You kill his spirit and he is of no use when broken. Honor him. Never question his actions. Know he is thinking of you and works for you. You are his precious princess worth a great deal. He is the gallant warrior ever protecting. Be a help meet. Meet him at his dreams and goal. Sweat along with him. Never stand aloof and lording over.

I enjoy movies that let you become a part of it. This movie draws you into its story. In the end as the credits are rolling you are left with some of the story left for your own imagination. What happens for the future of the Evans family? What happens to the outlaw man? Does he pay his dues and lives clean? When he is done paying his crime will he come back and search the Evans? Most important to you the movie goer - What is your story? What role are you playing? Is money your god? If you are a believer and do good will God carry you through the rough times? Or is it all a joke?

What will you do when you are at 3:10 to Yuma?

3 clay pots ...

I waited a week!!!!!! I transplanted my three citrus trees into their clay pots. The instructions said that clay pots are best so that the water can evaporate and to allow the roots to dry out and breathe. Over the past week it looks like the littlest, Myrtle, has grown an inch. As I write that it seems like a lot but I honest feel that she has! Good sign! The Meyer tends to need more water. He wilts quicker than the other two. I want to watch the watering; too much causes root rot. So it is still me getting to know their habits. Matie is Matie. Solid and constant.

I have kept them in the south window right up against the window. I am worried about the winter months. I can't have them that close to the windows because I live in a place that gets coooooold winters and the winds beat on that window. I will have to move them to the kitchen table... only thing not enough sun there. I have a couple of months yet to figure out warmth and sun issues...

Matie, Myrtle, & Meyer's day one

soldier and Christian?

I was talking or rather listening to a father talk about his son going off to train to be a 'Green Beret' and about a couple other boys that are either in the war or coming home. He is a bit long winded but I do enjoy listening to him. Today he affirmed without knowing it what I feel a Christian solder has over one who isn't a believer.

Can a Christian soldier come home from horrific battle unscared mentally? Can a Christian soldier come home to his family and return to being a great dad and a loving husband without this 'retreat' side affects? Can a Christian be a soldier and conduct himself peaceably as the NT commands? When a Christian young man has this strong desire to serve in the military, is it God's purpose for him? Is a Christian soldier better than a soldier who isn't a believer?

I know the New Testament has we are to be peaceable and being a soldier that would seemingly go against peace. Because I my favorite Bible character is King David, I really do believe that a Christian young man can serve God on the front lines of any war. I strongly believe that a Christian who feels he is 'called' to be a soldier really needs to go into 'Spiritual Boot Camp'. A Christian already has come to terms with his on mortality. Jesus took the sting out of death. No fear. So with that taken care of there are a couple other things a Christian should tackle.

First things first, a Christian soldier must always seek God in every move he makes especially in the heat of battle and always find time to get quiet with God. After seeking God the next thing he must do is hide God's Word in his heart like passages about battle. God had battle plans required of the Israelites and it always included getting your life cleaned up or making sure there was purity within the ranks. When they lost it was because someone did wrong and hid it. Other passages and I think most important of especially for war and for men in general is the issue of anger. Anger happens. A buddy gets maimed or killed. What happens? Sorry, but too often anger sets in and then there the boys go off on a killing rampaged. A Christian is NOT slave to anger. Yes, that means a Christian is free from anger. Again you have to seek God in this area. He will meet you and show you how to have freedom from anger. Lastly, a Christian soldier should 'talk back' to any attacking disbelief. I am not saying you have to 'talk back' aloud. I don't rather I am in my prayers or mentally. It is a must or you find your faith wavering.

So the Christian soldier goes off to war and sees some horrific battles and/or is wounded, do I believe he can come home spiritually whole and without nightmares and without retreating into a shell of a man? YES I DO. God said He has gone ahead and will go with you. He says not to be afraid (deut 31:8). I know there are going to be mistakes in battle, but God is a loving God and He is a Forgiver. Man is lousy in the forgiveness dept. Not God. Again this is not an over night transformation. No! This is a daily walk. Each moment is to be shared with God. In battle and out. And who said a Christian is off duty?

It was nice to hear this father be on the same wave length as me. A great God-Affirmation. I thought it but never ventured to say it aloud. I didn't even have to... this father just started talking about this and I was jumping on the inside!!!!

Some passages that I find comfort in when it comes to war:
Psalms 83 & Psalms 37: 12&13 - this one is for the president of Iran.
Psalms 91
Ephesians 6:10-18 <-- hmm, good for spiritual boot camp!

The Armor of God
¹⁰Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ¹⁸And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

over shoot...

The scientists said women were aware of the importance of their own attractiveness to men, and adjusted their expectations to select the more desirable guys.

"Women made offers to men who had overall qualities that were on a par with the women's self-rated attractiveness. They didn't greatly overshoot their attractiveness," Todd said, "because part of the goal for women is to choose men who would stay with them."
fr: cnn

Oh really? I have had it up to here {hand way above my head} !!! How can we do it? Obsessing over if we are attractive enough to snag a really good catch and obsessing over what our beauty will get us? Can't you understand by doing so we are destroying the naturalness of our beauty. I have struggled and at times still do over if I have what it takes in the pretty dept. I look at what I find attractive and I feel who I pick secretly of course out weighs what I really can get. Why care anymore? I am quite past it... until I get in that oodle stage...

Happy September ...

It happens to me every year. I have noticed to my surprise the first turn of leaves!!!! I was saying it is still August! After seeing one tree begin its turn to orange and yellow, I've notice many other trees young and old have a sunkissed touch on a branch or two. Summer is leaving and so are the shorts and tanks. I will miss my Saturday walks for sure where I could sweat out my thoughts as well as tan a bit. I have truly enjoyed my summer. I will hate to see it go but I love having the four seasons. Fall is coming and so is my hayfever allergy .. bummer.. but so are the deep bright blue skies with white puffy clouds and golden fields. Pretty sight, nasty airborne allergins.... tsk tsk.

Meyer, Myrtle, Matie ...

Yes, I went ahead a ordered a small citrus grove!!! They arrived today as I was coming home from work!!! My Australian Lime Finger, Meyer Lemon, and Myrtle Leaf Orange tree-bushes are sitting all in a row in a west window for some good ol' sunbathing. I went out and got some 4in clay pots like they recommended for good drying out and root growth. I must wait a week before I transplant them so they are getting use to their surroundings. I haven't found the dirt yet that is recommended but I have a few days. I am like a new mom fussing over her new babies. It is just because I have no green thumb. Shhhh, please keep it between you and me. I don't want Meyer, Myrtle, or Matie getting wind of this. I want them to be happy, healthy, and fruitful! Gotta do everything by the book and yet remain cool. I don't want to them to see me sweat!!! Who knows maybe in a year or two I can report that I have lemons, oranges, and limes!!!!!

Another adventure for me and God. You know how Jesus is the Vine and we are the branches.... well, we have to be grafted to the vine. Citrus are a lot like that. To get a good citrus tree it is best to graft instead of using seed..... Interesting!!!

barren tears ...

Dearest Heavenly Father,
I know you have my best interest at heart but it is so hard to keep back my tears when I hear the speaker speak so highly of dating life and how to keep it pure. He speaks so well of how a girl is made to be the encourager and how the boy is to protect. I know in the deepest part of my heart that I am a great helpmate and encourager. I just have no one who thinks me special and beautiful enough (I know not the best words to use) to have in his life. I didn't mean to tear up but I did. It is down right painful to hear. I am reaching the twilight of my 30's and some speaker bring me to tears over his dating 101 for young adults. Argh!

Ok, I will admit there where a few tidbits that I ate up. Being barren for so long it is easy to forget how to conduct oneself. Like I never knew how to let a guy down if he should take a rare move and risk it all to ask me out and I just knew I needed to say no. The speaker said to just say NO THANK YOU. Nothing more. A guy is going to move around any excuse. GIVE NO EXCUSES!!! I have experience that one. The speaker said that the guy will even try to get around those three words and the girl is to keep saying those words. Another thing was that if a girl says yes to a date, she is saying that she approves of his character!!!!! Whoa! That is a keeper.

Even through my tears, I have some nuggets to keep. It is hard to not want but I keep up using Your Words to keep me warm on cold barren treks. You are my Shephard I shalllllllll NOT want!!!
always your little girl

worry {v}

= 'I don't believe God is BIG enough to handle my problems!'

crushed glass beaches!

So they are finally making sand out of glass! What a great way to recycle! Why didn't I think of that???

Some are critical about it saying that there are probably an unknown environmental hazard like the tire dump off the state of Florida. Come on! Glass is one product I have a lot of trust in and is one step away from nature. In fact God probably made the first glass by lighting striking sand!

crushed glass beach

The Model Wife

by Oswald J Smith

She was like a clinging vine,
He was bold and brave;
She was happy in his love
For herself she gave.

She was not a suffragette,
Self-sufficient? No!
She had found him all her world
For she loved him so.

Never empty were his arms,
She was always there;
When he needed her the most
He was then her care.

All she had she freely gave
For she was his own;
Love had come and made them one,
They were not alone.

She completely filled his world
For she was his wife;
No one else could steal his love,
She became his life.

Other pleasures had she none,
He was more than all;
Nothing ever interfered,
She was at his call.

When children came, her love
Still remained the same;
They could never take his place
Though they bore his name.

He was with her night and day
For he held her dear;
She was never satisfied
Unless he was near.

He was gentle, kind, and true,
She had won his heart;
Never had she cause to fear
For she did her part.

Arguments she did not use
Stronger where her charms;
He could never disagree
Lying in her arms.

What a welcome she bestowed
When he'd been away!
Tender were the words she spoke,
Nothing to dismay.

Such a marriage could not fail,
God had shown her how;
Without her he could not live,
She had kept her vow.

Down the path of life they'll go,
Walking hand in hand;
Guided by a Father's love
To the better land.

Eugene, 1952

Hmmmm, lately I've been thinking of how to be if a marriage went all quiet and distant. How would I respond? Would I become desprate and depressed? Would the self-growth I have now become withered and dried up? Would all my dreams of a great marriage and a great love vanish? Or could there still be a way for me to florish because God is MY First Love, MY Husbandman, and MY Great Lover of my soul? Could I be a great partner and lover?

I know I could never knowing enter into a partnership with a distant man, but if the marriage got onto this path, I would be sad but I feel with God-Alone He could guide to be the best lover possible yet remain intact and ever-growing in Him. I must always remind myself that I am not defined by other's bad moods or even their good ones. I am defined by my seeking and response to God's love. Am I falling deeper in love with God? That is where it all wrapped up...

citrus austraica!!!

Should I or shouldn't I? I've been wanting a lemon tree to grow indoors for a verrrrrrry loooooong time. I have recently discovered a place that has trees but more an indoor bush style. Logee's has a Meyer Lemon, an Myrtle Leaf Orange, and most interesting to me an Australian Finger Lime tree - well more like bushes. There is a small sale on the Finger Lime and I would have to get all three because it would make a better deal shipping wise. My apartment is small and I am not sure where to put them. I want them so I shall make room! The biggest draw back is that I lack a green thumb especially if the plant is needy! But then again it might not be the plant because I can't seem to grow herbs. I have no porch or outdoor area to call my own and garden in so it has to be able to make it indoors. If I fail in keeping these plants alive, I am out $40 bucks. OOOOOOO that would anger me. I would have to say after loosing precious trees like these, I would never touch a plant again! Hmmm, if I could be successful, I have a wish list already going! a grapefruit and a cherry bush!!!!!

What is it about me that even though I have proven to lack skills in plants, I still have this drive to try it! ??? CRAZY!

never lose by loving...

Funny how you go through different stages when you loose someone special. One of the stages was coming to the realization that I had loved. I truly loved and I will not be ashamed <-- said with strong conviction. Within the relationship I came to an understanding that I was willing to love this guy and love to me was work at it for the rest of my life. I totally kept this to myself. I was proud to recognize 'him' and was waiting for his pursuit. Never happened but I didn't loose.

Within me I have found a more relaxed and yet a tenacious spirit like always. I feel full. I more like a woman than a silly little girl. Don't get me wrong, the little 8 year old girl is still there {wink}. I am not sure that I will ever make a couple but I still wish. It is amazing how God has taken and molded me. I like the new shapes and I am far from being done...

I can't wait ....

'You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.' ~ barbara de angelia

paper, babycakes, home

* I hate allllllllll the plastic bags I accumulate. So I finally got the nerve up and asked for paper at one of my local grocery stores. Don' know why I feel like I am bucking the system. Anyhow, I just noticed on the paper bag, I can get 3¢ off on my next bill if I reuse the bags! Deal!

* I just got my first NYC Babycakes newsletter. She is writing a cookbook for all of us food allergy peeps!!! I am excited.

* I have to report that being home is the best place. My nerve endings can heal. No one belly aching about this or that. No complaints. Just me and myself - hanging out, being peaceful, and smiling by watching a funny movie. A bonus? Finding the driver to make my scanner work on my newer iMac version.

I needed to have good reports. Anger crept into me today. I get so tired of others especially ones you like comments that hinder the work atmosphere instead of encourage it. Some of the comments that come out of her about others are somethings she actually does. I don't like thinking like this about her yet I don't want to fall down into this either. Whatever is of good report .. think on these things....

a hooded raincoat ...

Rain pouring on the roof, windows, and walls makes for a great day to curl up under the covers. Wrong! It is Monday! I pull out my trusty raincoat where the inner lining is frayed. I must find a new one. I don't care for umbrellas but I sure love a raincoat with a hood. In my book it is not a raincoat without one! I haven't seen a good one this spring or summer season... I wonder what the fall season will hold...

Dwelling Place ...

There are 31 listings of 'Dwelling Place' in the Bible. 29 found in the OT and 2 in the NT. Last reference is in Revelations. All are speaking of God. I like this Name of God. I have found myself reciting Psalms 91:1 lately to battle my restless aching heart when I find myself wanting things that God knows I don't need at this time. I found that I am talking back and taking back my dwelling place as worldly vices and evils knock on my door. I just didn't call it a Dwelling Place. After chewing on a verse I found and the small amount of research, I declare my Dwelling Place is in the Shadow of the Almighty... my Fortress, my Refuge, God Alone Whom I trust...

Psalm 91:1&2
He who dwells in the Shelter of the Most High
will rest in the Shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LORD, "He is my Refuge and my Fortress,
my God, in Whom I trust."

Psalm 84:1
How lovely is Your Dwelling Place, O LORD Almighty!


Psalm 90:1
Lord, you have been our Dwelling Place throughout all generations.

milk silver sliver ...

I was snuggled in my sofa watching a favorite movie. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a fingernail sliver of the moon. I kept watching it move through the dark night sky. It seemed to get bigger and bigger and the color seemed to change from a milk silver color to a pale peach. Bed time was calling but I continued to watch as the moon slipped west and down into the trees. A smile spread across my face and a little sigh fluttered in my heart... Night moon.... Thank Heavenly Creator! What beauty! What a bedtime vision! Night God...

first cork & first agave ...

I have tried wines in my past but have been very tentative. Then last Christmas and New Years, I thought I would try a glass of Riesling. Ok honestly here, I chose it because it came in 4 tiny cute BLUE bottles, but my massive headaches came back! Wines do not list their contents and I've had many wine people say there is no sugar in them. Well, something was in it!

I happened down the juice isle last Friday (8/10) for some reason. A bottle stood out with its sale ticket. I picked it up. It was a bottle of wine that was 'dewined'. Sauder has this 'fre' line of wine. They have a way to take the alcohol out! This bottle had a listing of ingredients. No sugar! I debated a bit but the bottle ended up in the cart.

When I got it home, I realized it had a cork! Oh no! I never got a cork out of a bottle before. I had visions of breaking the bottle or the corking taking flight (not good with a house full of glass) or cutting myself with glass shards. All I had was a cork screw on a pocket knife and the strength of a very light weight girl. I tried. It wasn't moving. I took the cork screw out and put it back in. I tried again. No movement. Argh. Is it getting hot in here? Hmm, got an idea. Should I try it? What if I flip backwards on my backside with the bottle tipping over and breaking? I am imagining the dweller below me ducking for cover with the noisy thud from upstairs! Oh, I am going to try. I take the bottle over to a rug and tucked my feet around the bottle. I then pulled as hard as I could and as easy as I could. SUCCESS! Cork came out easy. Bottle did not budge with my nibble feet holding them in place. I remained upright. No loud crashes.

I got a cork screw that helps in easing out the cork. I still might use the level of the floor to help.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I have been searching for agave (8/3). I call it 'cactus honey'. The GI content is less then honey. It would be a great substitute for my sugar allergy. I know I could find it in a health food store but hadn't found the time or made the time to go to one. Through word of mouth, a local store had it. I went and got it. It is a very light taste compared to the heavier taste of honey. I really haven't made anything with it. To warm here to bake at the moment. I have put it the chilly smoothies. I will use it sparingly. It is about twice as much as honey. Bummer...

So send I you

So send I you to labor unrewarded,
To serve unpaid, unloved, unsought, unknown,
To bear rebuke, to suffer scorn and scoffing,
So send I you to toil for Me alone.

So send I you - to loneliness and longing,
With heart a-hungering for the loved and known;
Forsaking home and kindred, friend and dear one,
So send I you - to know My Love alone.

So send I you - to leave your life’s ambitions,
To die to dear desire, self-will resign,
To labor long and love where men revile you,
So send I you - to lose your life in Mine.

by Margeret Clarkson

Whew! This hit me this morning as I drove into work. A very lonely hymn...

picture ≠ imagination

I got poor marks in reading comprehension and I LOVE BOOKS! Go figure!!! Over the years books have been more source of excape, education, and self-evolution. So why was it hard for me to grasp what I read? Do I still have the problem today?

Do you know I do not dream in picture? Yeah, strange! I dream in thought. I think that weird but I can't tell how others dream and I've asked. I would think most people dream in color and in picture. I just realized that my imagination isn't in picture either! Ok, I really think that is very bizarre!!!! Guess what? I am a highly visual learner!!!! Plus, I have a real creative rut about me. What a crazy coconutter {wink}!!! Hey, I guess that is why I love reading the books and watching the movies together.

So after all that crazy, I've connected the dots to why I can be creative and also have a good imagination. Another wierd fact about me is that I cannot do math in my head; it must come out on paper. So it is no surprise to me that I must bring my imagination and my comprehension out in picture form somehow whether through drawing or photos etc. Nifty!!!

Sorry, I just had to share my 'connect the dot moment'. I love brains and how they work especially my own.

mystic burrow ...

The green grass was weighted down with sparkling dew drops. The dark trees stood in masses as the white mist tried to hide them in its hazy vapor. Seeing a far off was a dark tunnel like hole where the trees parted back to allow for the road I was traveling on to make its way through. Surrounding this mystic burrow, the atmosphere was aglow in a pink and peach radiance that the sage like orange round sun. A fine beginning to a heavy handed day that promises of heat, humidity, and possible rain.

depression {n}

We cease loving ourselves if no one loves us.
~madame de stael

Be honest... how true it this?

Hmmm, question...
What if you cease loving yourself when others do love you and continuously 'try' to love you?

This life is all about teamwork but most go about living unto themselves and doing it their own way and being in the spotlight. So why should it shock and miff me when others cease to love themselves because they refuse to allow love in. I am afraid this is the definition of full blown depression.