freedom {n}

He is man that has major tatoos on his arm and wears black. He has red splotches in his black hair reminding you of flames. He has metal in his ears and has a rocker feel to him. His looks don't bother me but when his mouth goes off, you cringe. He seeks out your weakness and exploits it to get inside your head and throw you off your game. He claims to be an atheist yet he seems to know the Bible forwards and backwards. If he sences your weakness is your faith, watch out because he slices you to the bone and there you lay flayed with no structure to hold your ground. I sat there in horror as I watched him skin his victim. I in the safety of my covers began to talk back. How would I deal with such mental gymnastics? Could I hold my temper? Could I be quiet and soft but with a way about me that kept him safe yet put him back a few paces? Could I be a light that was soft and tempered like a candle? Could I be the salt that flavored the pot? If you can get around his verbage, you can see soft moments in him. Sometimes he goes to his victim and asks if he can talk. I think he smart and has feelings. I think he can really get a person. Pretty sure there is a wall of some sort holding back the truth of who he is. I have yet to see someone respond in a gentle but firm way to expose him in a safe place. Instead he gets curse words and religious verbage slung at him; he goes off smugly because he just proved another 'fanatic' is the same as him and no better. He's right again...

If only in the heat of tirade, you could stop the film and see what he brings to the table and work with that. Don't change him but be free to fill the cracks with love. Don't react! If he gets a response from you that is soft, smart, asking, just maybe he would be speechless and actually see the Jesus instead of hearing religious-words-without-deed thrown at him...

A believer has to be very deciplined with their speech and their love. The only way to have decipline is to keep your eye in the Word and actually do what God has requested of us. Our speech meaning the choice of our words and the tone we put behind it needs to embrace honor. How else is our very being going to reflect God's Glory? Nooooooo, we get defensive and abrasive, devouring others as well as ourselves...

Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 3:15-18

You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.
Galatians 5:13-16

Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it--he will be blessed in what he does. James 1:23-25

Through out the NT there are many references to freedom. It hit me last night and again this morning. What is freedom? Will it change how I conduct my life?

free from what?
* Free from anger!
* Free from old ways
* Free from sin
* Free from death
* Free from desires
* Free from fear
* Free from rejection

What really got me was that I wrote down that I am free from anger. The surprise for me is that when someone comes at me with their loud voices and their accusations, I am free from that. I do not need to react. I do not need to have a whole body melt down. I do not need to start kicking myself or fight back. I do need to cut with my tongue. So what am I free to do?

free to what?
* Free to love
* Free to be kind
* Free to be impartial
* Free to learn without rejection
* Free to try without fear
* Free to become my purpose

I am free to refuel in God's Word when I feel the pressure of anger. I can love the angry person by being tenacious in my kindness realizing what they are bringing to the table. I can defuse them by knowing I am free and giving them back their dignity and a bit of control. I don't need their approval or disapproval. Ultimate Control is in God's Hands. My control is being soft.

Again having the picture of the table for me is very helpful. I know there could be underhanded things going on under the table, but all I have to work with is what they bring to the table and my own God-Given Bounty...

Free from the chains of anger and free to actively lavish love...

drip drip drip ...

t or f?
No one can continually ignore considerate, loving actions. If you make your mate feel special, you increase his or her desire to do the same for you. - From "It Takes Two to Tango" by Gary and Norma Smalley

I believe this to be true! I have seen it work in action when I have targeted a subject to hug on a regular basis. Our relationship changed. So I have decided to work on other subjects. I am tenacious and constant. So this should not be a hard feat only in the dark and low moments. By keeping this tucked close to my heart, I will remain encouraged to keep at it.

bourne ultimatum ...

I would rate this movie a 9.9 and 1 Excedrin preferably before seeing the movie. Oh my, a headache and an 'carsick' tummy! Yikes! Hey, no girl friend got popped!

Being serious now, it was good to see Jason find the truth about his beginning. In this movie he chooses not to get involved with a girl. It seems that boys take the adventure and leaves the girl behind. Girl too close to 'spy' makes for a dead girl. Always part of the story line of a man's adventure. In real life girl belongs in the adventure. How does a boy keep the girl and the adventue? An interesting question and of course a soap box of mine!

How do Navy Seals and Secret Agents keep their work secret and keep a marriage? Can it be done? I personally think it can be done. Just haven't found the right match that believes like I do...

power of a question ...

I have been learning the capacity of asking not only others but of yourself. "Quiet Leadership" by David Rock had a ton of questions to ask but I need questions that I can and would ask. Here is a small sample:

* Where is your source of pain?
* Suppose you get rid of it?
* How would that look or feel like?
* Who is your souce?
* What is true in your life? What is false?
* How do you make it true?

I am finding true or false questions and the suppose questions handy for me to ask. They seem real to who I am. What questions do you feel comfortable asking?

Q.T.

What should my quiet time look like?
I talk to God all the time. I've got the praying without ceasing down maybe way too much. If I am a listener like I think I am, I need to carve out more time being quiet before Him. For now I would like to take 15 minutes of total silence in each day. No music. No t.v. Only me and God's word. I have decided on a few tools to keep my focus only on God's Word and not my own internal verbage.

*ask a question (seek)
Make question from what I read. Beware because after one question more come. Isn't the answer aways within the right question asked. I really like this technique. It gets me deeper inside His Word and then I can apply it my life.

* make an equation
You simply take a word add or subtract or equal or not equal it to another word. It is simple which it what God's Word is all about. One I have now is 'good gifts ≠ shifting shadows' (james 1:17)

*song
Singing a hymn that relates to what I've read.

*word picture
I love word pictures. If you really think about it Jesus was great at word pictures.

*contrasts
When you put two things up against each other, there are matches and opposites to be had.

*connect the dots
Nothing just stands alone; it is woven through out the fabric of the Bible. It is about searching a topic through the pages of God's Word and connecting them.

*butterfly
This is seeing that 'one Bloke wrote this book and repeating Himself over and over.' It is seeing that one butterfly wing mirrors the other butterfly wing. What you see in the Old Testament is reflected in the New Testament.

This is what I am starting with and I can't wait to see how it will morph into bigger things.

a date with God

STAY!

My evening and weekend was winding down and I was not looking forward to the work week. I was looking for an excuse to sit on my duff. As I was flipping channels about ready to shut it off, I rested on a lady talking about Ps 91 in a new way for me. I would like to share it with you.

He who dwells in the Shelter of the Most High
will rest in the Shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD,
"He is my Refuge and my Fortress,
my God, in Whom I trust."
~Ps 9:1-2

I have always enjoyed this verse especially in times of war whether physical or spiritual, but I really never claimed it as my own because I saw it more for the actual foot solder in a real flesh and blood war. Now I see it for the every day crazy bustle.

What I notice is the big old fat verbs. Can you see it? He who forsakes all else and runs to God and stays - no running in and running out - STAYS, will rest in the shadow of the Almighy. Picture the sweltering heat (pretty easy in the states where high heat and humity makes muah pretty wore out and punchy). Now picture running into the cool house. Who wants to go outside in the heat? You stay!

I really like these verses as I see myself running God. He sees me coming and His Arms are out stretched just waiting for me. He pulls me in and I rest in His Shadow. Then it goes further. I stand my ground and use my biggest voice where I declare God is my Refuge and My Fortress. I stake my trust in God ALONE.

The lady went futher and what caught my ears was that she said that 'if we fear the news, stop watching it. No, I take that back - you should be talking back to the news!' I yulped but not enough to disturb the neighbors! I have been talking back to shows but when it came to the news, I often found myself worrying in prayer. Probably impossible to do cuz you can't do both. Ok, I would worry and weep. From now on, I will be talking back to the news, too. I will claim Ps 91 and Ps 37.

The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;
but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for He knows their day is coming.

Happy Ending...

No Reservations ...

I loved this movie and would rate it 10. It is a simple, cozy, romantic chick flick and clean too. It is a must for my movie library.

My eyes did water and that could have been because I was in a rush to get off work. I was miffed at a demand made upon me. I won't rehash but in my anger, I knew I needed to surrender to this demand. As I let the darkness envelope me, the tears most likely came from the leading man's character. He was not mopey or dark or detached. He was not afraid of the leading lady's superior aloof passion for her cooking. He got in the mix and stood his ground. She melted and I melted. Where is a man like that in my life? Unfortunately, I am attracted to those mopey, dark, detached guys. Not because I am looking to be rejected but because there was this chemistry of finding something you always knew you lost but wasn't sure what it was until I found it in the relationship with him.

I do have to say the leading man did leave. He decided after the blow out to leave NY and go clear to LA. He didn't make it but that is leaving in my book. Maybe I am a little to hard on that but when that special man walks into my life, I want no doubts of his sticking to this thing called a relationship.

No reservations, right?

deceived?

¹⁶Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. ¹⁷Every good and perfect gift is from Above, coming down from the Father of the Heavenly Lights, Who does not change like shifting shadows. ¹⁸He chose to give us birth through the word of Truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all He created.
~James 1

What are we being deceived by?
Could it be that we feel dejected because 'good gifts' turn sour, dry up, or vanish and we wonder if the 'good gift' was really good? Could it be that we feel foolish because we acted in good faith what we thought God was saying for us to do and yet the 'good gift' vaporized? Could it be that all the packing for our Eternal seems like dust in our hands? Could it be that the shifting shadows have the control and we are fooled?

What is a good gift?
Could it be that we forget to attach perfect to the good gift? I admit I am guiltly. =S Could it be that we forget that God has Fatherly instincts and ways? Could it be that we forget that He would never suffer us to go without? Could it be that we forget that His Gifts are Heavenly and intended for Light? Could it be we forget that Heavenly Light is warming, comforting, and shines casting away all shifting shadow? Could it be that we have forgotten that He DOES NOT CHANGE? Could it be that we have traded our adoptive rights for sackcloth and ashes away in a dark corner? (see James 1:7&8 That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.)

a good gift is:
... good, superb, excellent, designer
... perfect, flawless, matchless, exemplary, true
... light
... eternal

a good gift is NOT:
... shifting shadow

Who gives a good gift?
God, who is the Heavenly Father, gives good and perfect gifts to His sons and daughters. He gave us Eternal Life. He gave us His Word. Best gifts but He does not stop there. He gives us an abudance of good and perfect gifts designed and individual perfect for our designer purposes and journeys...

gifting single...

Is being single a 'good gift'?

An interesting question! I am going to have to compare 'being single' to a gift that someone gives you that you just don't understand why you received it or what you are going to do with it. Take the shirt you get when your parents went off on some really hot vacation. You know the shirt. The one that says 'My parents went to Hawaii and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.' Ok, you got this t-shirt as a gift, now what?

I have to say that 'being single' is one of those types of off-the-wall gifts you really don't know what to do with it especially when you feel the need and want to be on a team because it really what you are good at. Being in this position after loving but not being loved back - in fact just walked away from - I feel strongly that I need to practice my faith and really look at this 'being single' as truly a gift.

When I call it a gift, I put high value on it. It is not received and forgotten about after an hour of playtime. I really make sure I cherish the giver of the gift by wearing when they are around or displaying or appreciating it. So with 'being single' I must choose to wear it with pride. I can still love passionately. I can still enjoy life fully. I can be focused on being a beloved. I can be open and attentive. I don't need a husband rather the Great Husbandman fills in. I can make mistakes and yet be allowed to grow. I can be tender and vulnerable without any risk of be shunned. I can be as tenacious as I am without fear of disgust. Through it all I know the Great Hands will temper my love and my passion. All I have to care about is the Smile on His Face. In Him I have a worthy Team Player who wants to stick with me more than my stickiness. {smiles} No more of this unwanted feeling. Ahh, well worth it.

Asking for vs. using what is on the table

I can't get the conversation I had with my little brother this past Sunday. He is getting his master's in psychology. His teacher has encourage him to ask for what he needs in relationships. Little bro conveyed his struggle. He has asked and has gotten not much back. To me there was no success in his asking. Quite frankly, I believe it to only promote more discontent with in him. Funny too but I kept my mouth shut on this one - no more honestly, I didn't think about it until later ... our own relationship changed more than I wanted it to when he got married. Asking would have started a fight. I was forced to use what was brought to the table.

I am way to tired to ask any more. I have done that and won't go there. I am on to something new and has better success. I am less disatisfied with my life and who I am. I want solutions. Good ones. What is more successful is working with what is brought the table of a relationship. Like I keep stressing is that you cannot change someone so stop wishing it so. Just work with what you have.

It is about what you can control, right? You cannot control people! But look at what is on the table and be an artist and create something magical from it.

So with little bro, I am going to use questions (psychology!) to edge him closer to coming up with his own answer. (Your answers are within you, right?)

I am curious too to see if one idea is more right than another. I just have never seen the asking to work well. I cannot go there. It isn't my answer. But for theory sake, I will keep tabs on his success rate with asking...

a date with God...

Swindoll has been talking about developing decipline in devotion to God. Quite fitting after I realized that I didn't make a theme this year and the last couple weeks I have realized that this year is about seeking God. Rule #1 - You cannot change people. So you work on yourself, right? But looking more intently at time in my life where depression had been a label put on me. I realized then as I realize now that telling someone in a deflated state to be happy find that they cannot. I believe that the only change that comes to you is when you begin to seek God. He begins to take you on a path and when you look back, you only see the former self. You have changed though seeking!

You start by asking for something deep - something for the soul. God hears. Then begin to listen for His Voice. He has always been speaking through His Word and it is always filling. Now once upon a time in the near past, I felt that the Bible wasn't exciting to me like it should be and I am a word person to boot. Today I am blown away by how excited I am about how the Word has touched so deep that now I understand how it is Forever! Everything shall pass away but not the Word (Luke 21:19). This all started when I started putting verses that touched me on 3x5 cards. I carry these cards with me everywhere in attempts to hide His Word in my heart.

Swindoll has 4 guidelines in decipling your heart in an intimate relationship with God. They are simplicity, silence, solitude, and surrender. The core is being alone with God. Just you and Him and of course, you better be seeking. He meets you and embraces you. You have nothing to fear.

I look at myself and I need to up my ante. I do spend a lot of time talking to Him. I do think I spend a lot of time on my gratitude for what He has done for me and in me. I declare God-Victory and declare His Attributes. All good but I do need to put some structure into a set Quiet Time with Him. A date so to speak!

the anger game ...

Contrasts. Something about them that makes me stand back and listen up. There is always something of a mystery to play out and learn from. I was watching a man who has taken on 'Evil' as a name and a woman trying to do be good yet playing a game not so well. I sat there amazed that between these two seemed to be a pull in a confrontational way. I believe 'Evil' is drawn to her to bring her down. He twists everything she says by bull dozing and plowing down what words she says even when she tries to defend herself. It was so hopeless.

I then proceeded to go mental and try to figure out how I would handle what is put onto the table by someone like 'Evil'. I know I cannot deal or handle anger in any way. The slightest raised tone sends me over board. But I want to play this out and figure out how to handle an 'angry Evil'. How do take the anger out of the confrontation? How do I give him a bit of control yet take myself out of the fray? Do I share anything with him that he will soften or keep sacred things away? If he felt I was keeping anything away from him, he would turn so then what could be the 'meat' to throw him off devouring me? I was searching.

Love my searching mode because God always give me a Word to pull back the mystery. On the way to work this morning the radio guy was giving a verse that talked about anger so I quickly joted down the words .. the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God (nkjv) .. . Yup, that was all I got. So I knew I had to do some searching for it online. Found it!!!!!!!

¹⁹ My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰ for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. ²¹ Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the Word planted in you,
which can save you.
²² Do not merely listen to the Word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.
~James 1niv

Last night I was visioning the table with 'Evil' presenting me a cup full of his brand of fire water. Instead of jumping in I wanted to hold back and remember to 'see' everything. In the moment it is hard to remember to hold back when the anger inside is boiling up my thoat. In the moment it hard to hear God's Words echo from my soul to my mind. If I could just stand back and begin to picture what is under the table so to speak. For me that is how I can be quick to see-listen. Maybe that will enable me to be slow to speak and slow to anger up. It isn't about the little fish bowl you find yourself in but rather the life free like on eagle's wings...

Who said life isn't about games? Isn't 'Evil' trying to pull you into his game? Isn't he trying to pull you under and take the 'righteous life' from you?

I love words and I love how His Word is planted inside and yes, it does save you... if you do what it says!

Thank You, Heavenly Father. You will not let me be consumed! Huge huggers. I am safe within Your Almighty Arms.

tapioca pudding!!!! mmmmmm

Not having chocolate is a real bummer. No sweets either - ok but man, I like to have some dessert please! Blueberry pie or blueberry crisp. I can handle it but even having a controlled cheat that brings on a slight headache is too much. Well, I finally made a dessert that will cover some of my grumble!

I made tapioca pudding with 2 T of fructose instead of the sugar the recipe called for. Fructose is natural. I refuse to use artifical sweetners. Not putting chemicals into this body. No after taste either unlike stavia.

I even used my rice cooker, too. I am allergic to rice and the rice cooker has to find new uses. It has a special memory attached to it and I wasn't fond of getting rid of it.

I love tapioca pudding and haven't had it in a million years. I tried in a pan I think and without sugar. I didn't make it again. Something happened or it was gross. Can't remember. Oh, maybe I tried it in the microwave!

definitely toe tappin now that I have a huge bowl of tapioca pudding all for myself!

3 REFUSALS ...

I heard this list from Steven Davies and wrote them down. He stated that there are 3 refusals for a believer's life and they are: MEDIOCRITY (poorness), LETHARGY (sluggish), and APATHY (indifference).

I say this list is great for all areas of your life. One must guard from these 3 monsters in the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual parts of your life. 'Movement is medicine.' One must keep active. What areas need to be focused on?

One should take the test at a personal level and then take it a social level. Friendships and relationships of all kinds need to take these monsters by the neck and choke them. I am sorry but I see way to many people just give up.

I had a discussion with my little bro about his relationship with a significant family member and his friendships or the 'it is too hard to be your friend' comment he was told. Argh! Good conversation. I know and have travelled that path. But I also tried to steer him onto my new findings. - You have only what the person brings to the table to work with ... and no more. - You cannot have more even though you think significant family member should be able to bring it - it is in their job title. Not easy.

Friendships are still important to me. Ok, I am obsessive in this area and still am. My approach is better. I know who I am and the person I strive to be. I have made absolutes that I follow. When I have a relationship, I work with what I am given - no more, no less. If I see hurt or pain or the lack of joy, dreams, or passion and this person is significant to me, I bring the 'sunshine.' I will not tire.

I doubt highly that I made an impact with little bro. But after another 10 years under his belt and welts on his forehead from beat his head against this wall, he will finally give in to this new concept. He is where I was at 10 years ago if not 10 weeks ago. It may sound like giving in (hate that!) but it isn't because I am still attacking every significant relationship with all I got but it more about what I am giving and what is there to work with. It is softer.

Anyways giving up is giving in to mediocrity, lathargy, and apathy! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

built to share

Tears are suppose to mean something. On the way to church all along downtown people were setting up chairs in prep of the big parade to begin the largest fair in the land. My radio was wailing out country tunes all the while my eyes are streaming. On the way home again the same thing happened. I am not a big fan of the fair probably because it makes me feel unattached. I am built to share. In fact all humans are built to share. When you can't or are denied, it is a slow death in your heart. Adding to that country tunes just compounded the emotion.

soft ...

* is the thud from a very young unripe green apple falling from the tree.
* is the flutter of two white butterflies in a lover's dance among the neighbor's flower garden.
* is the sudden breeze whispering through your slightly curled hair on a cool summer saturday.

schools supplies ...

Yes, I have a weakness for school supplies! Why? Well, this year with my new office space at work, I am going for organizational tools. It has spread to my home too. This past week my frig front got a make over! The top essential this year is the dry erase board because I can paint on it making fit into the room. I found a simple $1 erase board framed in wood. I painted my purple flowers that has become a favorite motif of mine. Then I proceeded to clean up the disarray of magnetics gracing my frig front. I spent an evening cleaning up and realized what a great place a frig front can be. It is looking good and it is useful.

I was lucking to find another erase board for my parents frig. I painted grapes on theirs and got the colored markers. They were impressed. Hopefully, they put it to good use.

I am already scheming. I think my front door which is magnetic is the next victim!

Auslan ...

I love language and I have dabbled in sign language. I have worked with severe needs high school aged kids and used some signs so they could communicate. I also feel it is important to use baby sign and if I taught ESL (English as a Second Language), I would be using some signs to teach with too. I feel signing is a great learning tool for all and not just for the deaf.

Like any language there are going to be different dialects, accents, and words used that aren't used in other places. I just discovered Auslan - the Aussie version of sign. I see there is a bit of controversy and the schools are switching to Auslan from signed English. I am not sure what it means but I kinda think parents must teach what they want their children to know and not just depend on the school system. I know my own opinion and hard to do with such busy schedules....

wheat among the weeds ...

Matthew 13:24-30 & 36-43

24 He set another parable before them, saying, “The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a man who sowed good seed in his field, 25 but while men were sleeping his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat and went away. 26 But when the stalks of wheat sprouted and produced grain, then the weeds also appeared. 27 Then after the slaves of the master of the house came, they said to him, “Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Then where have the weeds come from?” 28 So he said to them, “An enemy has done this.” Therefore the slaves said to him, “Then, do you wish that we go and pick them?” 29 But he said, “No, lest while you are picking the weeds, you uproot the wheat together with them. 30 Permit them both to grow together until the harvest; and when it is the time of harvest I will tell the harvesters, ‘First gather up the weeds and tie them into bundles to burn them up, and then gather the wheat into my barn.’ ”

36 Then when he left the crowds, he went into the house. And his disciples came to him, saying, “Explain to us the parable of the weeds of the field.” 37 So answering, he said, “The one who sowed the good seed is the Son of Man; 38 and the field is the world; now the good seed, these are the sons of the kingdom; but the weeds are the sons of the evil one, 39 and the enemy who sowed them is the devil; now the harvest is the end of the age, and the harvesters are angels. 40 Therefore, just as the weeds are gathered up and burned with fire, so will it be at the end of the age. 41 The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will gather out of his kingdom all that causes sin and those who commit lawlessness, 42 and they will cast them into the furnace of fire; in that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. 43 Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father. He who has ears, let him hear.

Wow, I have missed this parable. I know some of the others but this one is like brand new to me. I heard it today from Ravi. He put it in such a way that I really connected to but wanting to reread and go over it. I want it to sink deeper. Ravi said God wants us to be seeds and DIE - meaning break our lives open and die to self. As a seed grows, we too are to spiritually grow and not to worry as we will grow along side the weeds. To me it sounds like another way for believers to redeem the time... Plus, not to worry.

Argh, how I worry over such stupid stuff like evil and I just don't have to! What a paradox too. Try dying to stuff. Before you take that step, it is the hardest thing to do. Then take that step and the next. Then you begin to ask yourself why you are so joyful! Could it be? It just is. Simply put - seek God with all you have - yes, even as a believer you don't stop seeking. As you continue to walk closer and closer to God, you cannot help but feel a deep seated joy....

You have taken account of my wonderings;
put my tears in Your bottle.
Ps 56:8

I read this the night of a good day. As I curled up for a sound sleep, I thought of God's vault of tears. Bottles and bottles of tears - one labeled with all my sad, painful, and lonely tears, another with my joyful praise tears, another with God-Stirrings.... sleep settled in, but I loved the thought of how such a Supreme God would take in account of little old me. It is amazing wonder that God takes notice of my footprints, my questions, and my tears. He notices. I am recorded and valued. I am LOVED.

web distraction...

Everyday this week Lady Spider has spun her web between my jeep window and the left side mirror. At least I am not walking into it as I opened my to crawl inside my jeep. I hate getting a mouth full of web. Yuck!

I did watch the web a bit to much this morning seeing how much wind it would take for it to come apart. I almost missed seeing a car in my blind spot because of the distraction. It really wasn't a pretty web like the ones captured in those wet photo shots. But it is interest piece of work to see how strong and yet how flexible a tiny web is.

I must get my booty up and out the door earlier. Then just maybe I can take a few more minutes to find Lady Spider. Well, no biggy. I could just be late to work... I've worked over time.... now time to cash in on some God-Beauty.

Be Still, my soul

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

~Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

~Words: Katharina A. von Schlegel,
translated from German to English by Jane L. Borthwick

Don't make me

Girl when I look at you,
you look through me like I'm not even there
I'm trying not to give up, to be strong
but I'm afraid to say I'm scared
I can't find the place your heart is hiding
I'm no quitter but I'm tired of fighting.

Baby, I love you, don't wanna lose you
Don't make me let you go
Took such a long time for me to find you
Don't make me let you go
Baby, I'm begging please
and I'm down here on my knees
I don't wanna have to set you free
Don't make me.

What if when I'm long gone it dawns on you
You just might want me back
Let me make myself clear if I leave here
It's done, I'm gone, that's that
You carried my love around like it's a heavy burden
Well, I'm about to take it back
Are you sure it's worth it?

Baby, I love you, don't wanna lose you
Don't make me let you go
Took such a long time for me to find you
Don't make me let you go
Baby, I'm begging please
and I'm down here on my knees
I don't wanna have to set you free
Don't make me
Don't make me.

Baby, I'm begging please
and I'm down here on my knees
I don't wanna have to set you free
Don't make me
Don't make me.

Stop loving you
Stop needing you...

~ sung by Blake Shelton

Whoa! I feel like that but the ears I feel like shouting this to has shut down. Probably permenantly. What do you do when you want to leave but feel that something is there to hold to? What do you do when you know he isn't coming back but a tiny hope that he isn't that callous since he showed no signs of it before? All I can do and have been doing is slowing letting go. With each letting go, the goodbye is becoming more and more final... Please don't make me!

coal burning love...

Young love is a flame, very pretty, often very hot & fierce, but still only light & flickering. The love of the older & disciplined heart is as coals, deep burning, unquenchable.
~ Henry beecher

Hmmmmm, I used to feel sad that I would never get to experience the young love of a twenty something and now the thirtysomething kind of love. I used to think it was important to experience all the ages of love. Would it all add to the vintage of an older love? Being on an isolated journey maybe there is too much pain in the ages of love. Maybe not having allows one to love deeper and stronger when one gets to have love? Maybe too I will never know.

I was reading about loniness by one of my favorite authors - Ron Mehl. He suggested loniness was the time to have undivided time with God. One question. What happens if one has 30 something years of loniness? Am I missing something? Or maybe I am a real slow learner. I love to learn and I have some good lessons that I would never have had with another. I have had some amazing alone time with God. I would like to share though...

Lately, trust and obedience to God has been tickling my heart. It seems so simple and quite possibly freeing. I don't ask God why. A big no-no. It hinders your growth and makes you stuck. I just would allow the mystery to keep going. Now it seems the answer to the God-whys is TRUST ME and obey. Blessing follow. Interesting! So everytime that God-why creeps into my mind. I shout back - TRUST GOD. HE IS SEUPREME. I WILL OBEY. I will be still and let HIM work His magic...

lightening, fireflies, & fireworks...

It was three way fireworks for me! The sun had gone down but the last lights where bouncing off the thundercloud sitting in the southern sky. Within that thundercloud was God's lightening spreading wide and high. The usual lightening comes from the west and comes east in a random order. Not tonight. It stayed within the mean looking white cloud. Purely spectacular! In the grasses was the fireworks that happen from lightening bugs/fireflies. Soft yellow glows softly coming on and off. A gentle peace. And lastly all over the southern and western skies just above the tree lines where amateur fireworks poping and wizzing in sparks of colors and whites. Patriotic music playing softly as the tv was making their own fireworks. How I enjoyed the view.

Happy 231st birthday!

a salt piller or salt? which are you?

I wept so much I couldn't sing the patriotic hymns this past Sunday. I wept during the fireworks that night. I wept when I saw people waiting to become US citizens especially the Austrailian guy who was sporting the Australian light heartedness and accent. I know that I will weep some more before I lay me down to sleep tonight. I will weep for the soldiers fighting and for the families waiting. I will weep when I hear the President. I will weep when I watch more fireworks. I will weep when I hear the National Anthem as my mind recreates the scene where Francis Scott Key sees that the tattered FLAG was still there.

Tears mean something. Have you ever been in church and see someone there quietly weeping and you see not what is moving in their heart? There are no loud sobs just a glistening tear making a slow track down a soft cheek. A wonder stirs your soul. What is happening? Sadness, longing, joy, pain, burden, delight, peace, God-Whispering? Could be anything...

So what has me in a soggy mess? I think it is love, burden, and Joy in my God that has been moving me to tears. I love the good ol' USA. I err on being overly patriotic. I express it in the colors I surround myself. I remember the cost and I remember the forefather's intent every time I sing the National Anthem. I know God's Blessing that is spelled out in the Old Testiment where He will be near the nations who God is the Lord. And yes, the Blessing that comes when you are a friend of Isreal. I don't want my America to be the biggest and the best of the world. I just what her to give and to be good.

I had a discussion in 2004 that has stayed with me. Someone from another country was questioning my passionate choice of President and even my loyality to a country as a believer. I just remember the question of sort and nothing else. It is 2007 and I still think about it so much that it has become a debate of sorts for me over country vs. Kingdom.

I will always have a very soft spot for my America. I will always strive to make her a better place by living peacefully as Paul told us in Romans. I want her to continue to be a gracious and good country. I want her to remain that way until He comes. I have a picture prayer from the Old Testiment. Remember Abraham pleading with the Angel of the Lord? He was asking for God to spare Sodom and Gamorrah if there was a certain number of those who feared the Lord. Abraham kept begging until he got down to 10. He thought he have covered the bases well to keep his nephew alive. As you know the there wasn't enough of those who feared God. The Almighty did allow Lot, his wife, and daughters a way out while He burned the two towns for their moral rot. Focus in on what happened to Lot's wife. She turned around to watch the towns burn. I am sure Lot pleaded and begged his family to keep looking straight ahead and obey God. No, it was too much. She turned and looked in that instant she was frozen into a pillar of salt.

Salt. I find it quite interesting. God's purpose for the believer is to live peacefully and to redeem the time. Short orders but hard ones to carry out. Redeeming the time was visually described as salt and light by Jesus in the New Testiment. A believer's life should be conducted in such a way that it brings flavor, trust, and preservation as well as limunation, sight, and clarity to those around him. Salt. I am intrigued. I wrap all my wondering thoughts around these two pictures ... the piller of salt looking back onto smoldering rumble of two sin-fest cities or salt preserving cities and countries around the world. What type of salt are you?

Shhhhhhhh, listen. Hear it .... giving freedom to others is huge and America loves an underdog but what is supreme over that is the giving of Salvation. A believer's country comes second to the higher calling of the Kingdom. Redeem the time. Make way for His Glory to shine... He is here to save and to love. He waits for all His lost sheep to come home.

For you brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. ~ Gal 5:13

Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. ~Phil 4:5

Col 4:5 & 6; Romans 13

Joy {n}

A mood goes away by kicking!!!!
~oswald chambers

What is JOY?
* It is trusting God and doing good.
In a plain word - OBEDIENCE! Just do it!

* It is dwelling in the Lord and feeding on His Faithfulness.
Verbally express your gratitude and declare His Attributes.
How big is your God?

* It is delighting in the Lord.
Be aware and claim God's Victories in your life.

By following these simple steps, you will find God takes care of your heart. JOY WIPES OUT THE SAD TEARS. Death comes to melancholy and depression. You will begin to FEEL YOUR FAITH.

It does not stop. You will have flare ups. You must do this every moment.

My Joy Journey started in 2003 and it continues. My name is 'from the dark valley blooms Joyful one'.

"Trust the Lord & do good. Dwell in the Lord & feed on His Faithfulness.
Delight yourself also in the Lord & He will take care of your heart." Ps 37:3-4

down with down ...

There are those who would love to be friends with others and then there are those who remove themselves from others. It seems that these two types follow the rule of opposites attract because it happens in families.

This girl is angry today. The days before have been in mental struggle to wrap my brain around it. Tears. Anguish. Fear. Sadness. I have had to be the adult and come to terms to my own melancholy. (In my label-book melancholy is a blue mood but not as severe as depression. And I do believe you have to label something in order to work it out) So I know the blues run in my family yet as I say this stubborness also runs in my family. See, I have had this word thrown at me and no, it did not feel good. Yet, I view stubborness as a friend especially when used for the good. So why can't a family member buck up and change? Why can't he follow God's nudge? Oh dear, don't tell me God will have to nudge harder! Why can't others see that bad health is God's way of saying to change some things? I can say this because I have to be very stubborn and eat a certain way. I could not be headache free without leaving 36 foods behind and especially when it comes to my dearly loved chocolate! I know God is in it. See we just had a family decusion about sugar. One brother and his son go into crazy mode after eating sugar. Believe me, the little nephew was spinning out of control after an adult size bowl of ice cream! YiKES! Where is the parental no? He is only 3@! The other brother was commenting how he was getting headaches from sugar. And then there is dad with diabetes! This is not random!!!!!!!!!!!!! (cane and beet sugar is one of my allergies)

Back to the blues...
No, I cannot say I conquered my melancholy by myself. I aggressively give credit to God for that. He was the One who turned my world upside down and tumbled me out on a journey of Joy. Every day since God and I have added more and more of a barrier to the blues like fish oil and figuring out my daily nauseous headaches (food allergies). I can still have my days. (I am still a woman! {smiles} ) I usually have tolerance for others and especially when it comes to loved ones but not today. In fact if you were here you would be hearing me mutter 'whatever. I am a big girl. I have the whole weekend to tend and mend my home. I don't care to be near those who don't want me around. etc'. And it is no big surprise that I was attracted to a guy who presently has removed himself from me with no verbal reason why.

I am pretty ticked off. I won't let it show tomorrow but oohwoosh....

It would delight me to no end to find a male who would dig me, who didn't disappear, who chased me, who thought holding hands while walking a slice of heaven, who beamed when I entered the room, who could sit gazing into my eyes.... then it would mean letting go of he who was so cool to be around but disappeared ... could I let go? I probably won't have to answer that because finding a male who digs, present, chases, holds my hand, beams, gazes is pretty much a lost cause in this age....

To think I wouldn't have let him make me so disenchanted...

KUUDUK & mad libs!

Over the weekend I purchased two more card games to add to my ever growing collection. I pulled out all my card games and was shocked to how many I do have. One card game called O'NO 99 by the makers of UNO takes me back. The cards are worn and weathered from all the games. I never liked the game because you had to count but dare not make it to 100. See, I just don't like counting and especially in my head. I asked mom if it was her favorite. She doesn't remember. I think I shall bring the game back out and make her play!!!

Comparing O'NO to the new game by UNO called KUUDUK, the card games changes their looks too. O"NO has a retro 70's feel while KUUDUK has a mod look about it. While musing over the games, I took time out to learn how to play the game .... of course by myself. Why a singleton like me loves card games with no one to play against ... beats me! I think I will continue to 'play' against myself every weekend so that I can introduce these games quickly and with ease especially now with the younger generation of my family. Maybe I can convert my entire family to card gamers this way!!!

As an adult I wished my elders had made card games apart of the 'home schooling'. It worked well but I guess if I was a parent, I would be weaving in social education and sportsmenship via card games. I would have an agenda and aggressive force it onto my unknowing offspring!!!!! Oh, don't start with me! They would never know what hit them!!! I would be crafty! And of course after all that education, fun would ultimately be at the heart as well as hard core card gamers for me to hone my own very lacking skills as I twiddle my thumbs now days - partnerless.

I like the how the game makers are putting their games in tins instead of the card board boxes. Saves them for years and years to come. I just happened to have an old hot chocolate tin in a nice size to pack away my collection of card games that came in card board boxes. Self preservation!!!

good ground...

Dearest EL, God Supreme,
I want to be soft and ready ground. I know the seeds fell. I think I understand more clearly then I did before that the seeds where nudges to try to write. I am limited with my words but You are eloquent. It matters not if the books become a reality. They are real inside. It is time to put words to these thoughts every day. My day job is numbers and I have litte time to let my mind wonder. I ask for Your water and Your manna. I am here soft and damp after Your Rain-Blessings. I am listening for Your words.... I want to write.
always weak but Yours by Your Stength alone

faith {v}

I have been thinking about faith. What does faith mean? How do I live by faith? How would I explain it if asked?

Simply, faith is to obey. No excuses. Just plainly active obedience! Almost no thought involved because you know how your thoughts can go bad when you just think. Only recalling God's Word. Absolutely no discussions in the face of one who does not believe in the faith you do. You have to obey. See that by your obedience to God, doubters then can see the Glory of God and not you. Are you picturing it?

Right now that is how I see faith. Just a small thing right now. A mustard seed. But what a might plant is grows to be...

no man's land ...

I have walked back and forth in this no man's land. The earth under my feet have rubbed the grass and pebbles away. All that is left is dusty dirt. In days of old I have yelled out listening to the echo return to my ears. My heart became rebellious because I wanted to hear his voice not my own. I wanted to see him come around the bend with arms wide and wanting for me to come running. But many days and years have come and gone. I keep pulling my eyes to God's horizon. I don't yell any more. Painfully, I have realized that it is not what I want them to give to me but what they can actually give. I sadly sit on 'look out rock' with my back to the caves. I know he has nothing to give nor does he believe that he needs me.

All the men in my life that I truly care and love hold me away from themselves. There is this veil and I cannot get beyond. I don't want to but I wish that all the strength I see inside their hearts would be unleash into this world. I see it but they don't. I have had many discussions with God. I am trying to still myself and listen. One day I will understand. Maybe one day a man will walk into my life with no veil. Or maybe he will come back from beyond and show me no veil because he took on the fight and God freed him. It remains a mystery and that is ok.

Because I have called out to God and have sought His Face and Heart, He comes and reveals Himself to me. I am allowed entrance into His Secret Place. I am His and He is mine. I am His Beloved and there are no doubts. He moves heaven and earth to be with me. He gives me great paintings and landscapes just for my enjoyment. He loves to see me smile. I strive to smile for Him... every moment ... of my days....

God in Iraq and at home...

The first Gulf War was closer to me then this war. Probably, because the men and women that went to fight were my age. This war is further away from until lately. Deaths are hitting closer and closer to home. Today when talking to a co-worker who keeps me updated with his soldier, I realized just how close it is getting.

The soldiers are now sons and daughters of my peers. It is a whole different set of emotions. Today I learned about Sam who got shot 3 times on Friday and was unconscious for three days. He is the boyfriend to a co-worker's daughter. I am adding Sam to my list.

I got an update on Joey. He is another soldier that I get updates on. He not so keen being in Iraq. I won't get into that - reasons will be kept private here. Joey is boyfriend to a daughter of the plant boss. The boss has taken Joey under his wing. Joey's home life is wasn't good. Monday the boss told me that Joey didn't take to the 4 anthrax shot and his arm and side is real stiff. This just might allow Joey to come early. Joey is excited.

I have been having some concerns for Joey because I know his mind isn't in it. Not good on the battlefield. I do ask the hard questions. So I asked the boss guy 'isn't it dangerous to feel that way?' Yes was his answer but what can you do but encourage his mindset.

This time I asked if Joey felt that being in battle was good for him. The boss guy said absolutely. God was a foreign concept to Joey. He was just something big. Now Joey bends the knee and asks God. Then the boss guy said 'I wish I could get my daughter into that for a time.' I said 'maybe it will rub off on her.'

Tears were falling in my eyes. God is works and when He does and I am fortunate enough to have my eyes wide open to it, I cannot help but have liquid emotions flow!!!

I was also moved to thought-
Guys need that battle and that adventure to hone his character. Daddy's often wish they could provide some honing to a wayward daughter. With my girl-eyes there is that honing in the waiting and often the worrying when left home. Perfect opportunity to show the girls that in the waiting they must get busy and become the prayer-warrior. Why not show them they are hearth-keepers and that it takes a warrior heart to do so. There is strength in that.... and pure beauty.

The battle is the Lord's. Iraq is the Lord's. So is America. We are to weak and so shanken by evil and terror. Don't forget Who is strong and will take any earthly defeat and make all thing beautiful in His Time...

top learning tool...

After going to college to study English Education, the real reason that I did not know then but know now is that I wanted to get how I learn as well as how others learn and I wanted to write. Funny how I learned what I really wanted to learn in the years following formal classroom time.

Let me sure one of biggest insights into learning. In my book it is the number one rule. Listen up. To give yourself the best environment for your brain to capture everything you are learning no matter your learning style, you must have a safe and positive feelings as a framework. Maybe encouragement is the word I am looking for.

I know you will not always be afforded good feedback. It has been something that has been a thorn in my side ever since my band teacher would humiliate me in front of others only because I would freeze up being shy and singled out. When I went boo hooing to Dad, he said that the band teacher thought I had talent and wanted me to live up to it. What Dad wanted me to do was get that moxie up 'I'll show you' bit on. Well, true as an adult I have done used 'I'll show you bit' but I really shine when I am fed good encouragement in safety.

I will always believe that the top rule in teaching or coaching or mentoring is keep the environment safe. Be a greenhouse. Then you can introduce the storms.

If you are a student and all you have are storms, know it is a part of life. However, teach yourself. Be kind and generous to yourself. When you do so, learning come quicker and deeper. Declare victory and celebrate.

for health's sake ...

"How are you doing?'

"If the stress doesn't go away soon, I'll have to think about what I am going to do,"

"You can't let the stress bother you. Leave it at work. Don't take it home."

"I am not trying to take it home. No matter what I have done to keep it here and be kind to myself, stress is following me. I could not shut my body down and didn't fall asleep til after 2AM Thursday. FRIDAY, I could not shut off my mind til way after 3AM. This cannot go on."

"You will hate yourself if you give up now due to stress."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, wait a minute! So you are telling me it is ok to let stress ruin my health? my sanity? Oh, I could use some choice words right now. I am one who fights till the last dog is howling. My name is tanacity! But there are limits. Too much stress after working myself silly to accomplish calm waters and drowning in it ... something has to give.

It was a down day. I had victories last week but that did not keep my tears in check. I am very weak and I will continue to call on God's strength... but too much stress? what for?

9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. 13 That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.
Ecclesiastes 3

The more I read Ecclesiastes the more I see that if work is stressing you out, something has to change. You must find satisfaction or you will lose yourself ...

daddy's girl

Happy Father's Day, my Heavenly Father,
Thank You for my own father. Thank You for moving my heart to see how to love him more by just being near him and making a point to hug him and tell him I love him. Very simple acts but strong and powerful ones. I am truly blessed. Thank You for You and for my father.
always Your little girl

flowers, victory, sleep

1. Finding a Matrix Lily so fire orange it holds your eyes and a Purply Queen Hollyhock to give my parents for their Anniversary coming up on Monday. 41 years!!! I am blessed to have parents still loving and holding to each other.

2. Finally getting a victory in understanding how to get my tape and the computer to match. This new job has been the hardest ever. But with my weakness, leaning on God's strength is the only way to go.

3. Being able fall asleep quickly after falling into bed after two nights in a row where my mind is a whirl or my body just won't shut down because of stress.

bring on the rains...

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.
Isaiah 55:10-12

I love this verse. Besides my own country, I have another favorite. It is a verrrrrry dry place. This land has endured a 10 year drought and just begun to experience rain that her people thought would never come back again. I know a small handful of people from this dry place. I have gotten to experience their stories as I have listened. What I thirst for I can get from within my country because our resources are there for the taking, but I wonder and am sad when I feel his thirst and he seems to find no relief. I have prayed for rain for this dry land and for his dry and thirsty being and wonder of God's plan to minster to the dry thirsty souls of these precious in His eye people.

I cherish this verse as I see the promise within it. My job is to plant seeds of love, generosity, and joy. It will not go out without coming back in full and overflowing. Those that hunger and eat too will find able to walk upright again.

Can you see it? A dry land drinking up the rains and the trees bud and flowers burst forth. Truly clapping is heard...

Dear Heavenly Rain Giver,
Oh, how You give me the perfect word to cheer my fainting heart. What pictures You paint for me. New eyes to see Your Great Wonders and to see more clearly Your Awesome Plans You designed for each of us. I am keeping this verse ever close to my prayers for a dear and precious friend and his family. I pray for the rains of Joy and Salvation on his house. Oh, may he reborn in Your Joy so mysterious and ever so strong. I love You!!
always Your little girl

Ruth Graham, faithful wife & servant ...

MONTREAT, North Carolina (AP) -- Ruth Graham, who surrendered dreams of missionary work in Tibet to marry a suitor who became the world's most renowned evangelist, died Thursday. She was 87.

Graham died at 5:05 p.m. at her home at Little Piney Cove, surrounded by her husband and all five of their children, according to a statement released by Larry Ross, Billy Graham's spokesman.

"Ruth was my life partner, and we were called by God as a team," Billy Graham said in a statement. "No one else could have borne the load that she carried. She was a vital and integral part of our ministry, and my work through the years would have been impossible without her encouragement and support. (Watch how Ruth Graham lived out her faith )

"I am so grateful to the Lord that He gave me Ruth, and especially for these last few years we've had in the mountains together. We've rekindled the romance of our youth, and my love for her continued to grow deeper every day. I will miss her terribly, and look forward even more to the day I can join her in Heaven."

"She would help my father prepare his messages, listening with an attentive ear, and if she saw something that wasn't right or heard something that she felt wasn't as strong as it could be, she was a voice to strengthen this or eliminate that," said her son, Franklin, who is now the head of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association.

"Every person needs that kind of input in their life and she was that to my father."

"What she witnessed in her family home, she practiced for herself -- dependence on God in every circumstance, love for his word, concern for others above self, and an indomitable spirit displayed with a smile," said the Grahams' youngest daughter, also named Ruth.

Despite her reluctance to be a public personality herself, Ruth Graham met many of the powerful and famous through her husband -- who was a spiritual adviser to presidents for decades. President Bush and first lady Laura Bush called her a "remarkable woman of faith" who "inspired people around the world with her humor, intelligence, elegance, and kindness."

She met Billy Graham at Wheaton College in Illinois. He recalled in 1997 memoirs, "If I had not been smitten with love at first sight of Ruth Bell I would certainly have been the exception. Many of the men at Wheaton thought she was stunning."

From that point onward she had to endure her husband's frequent absences, remarking, "I'd rather have a little of Bill than a lot of any other man."

Due to her husband's travels, she bore major responsibility for raising the couple's five children: Franklin (William Franklin III), Nelson, Virginia, Anne and Ruth.

Ruth Graham was the author or co-author of 14 books, including collections of poetry and the autobiographical scrapbook "Footprints of a Pilgrim."

Ruth Graham will be buried at the new Billy Graham Library in Charlotte -- a source of apparent discord within the family last year. This week, Billy Graham said he and Ruth had decided "after much prayer and discussion" they would be laid to rest at the foot of a cross-shaped walkway in the library's prayer garden.

from cnn.com

{sighs} This stirs my heart. I long to be a helpmate. Ruth Graham is such a perfect picture.

I know there is great rejoicing in Heaven for a servant coming home even as there is tears in her husband eyes and great love and joy in his heart. It is amazing to be a believer. There are great tears yet great rejoicing when an earthly travel is through because there is a great hope. Our story is NOT ending rather there is a HAPPY EVER AFTER!!!

chemistry in LDR?

If you can make a LDR work, then you can make a marriage work. I will go one step further... every girl should put there relationship to the test and have some LD in their relationship to see how well the two of you can manage the LD. I say girl because maybe girls are better at the LDR than a guy is.

I do think everyone should think about how to make a LDR work. It is not just a phenomenon that is occuring today because of the internet. It has occured with every war and with every man going off on some adventure leaving their woman at home. Today there are more things that pull us physically away from each other. But it still takes a MASSIVE AMOUNT of TENACITY, shear guts, and will power.

I know I can do it. No, it is not ideal. But it is ideal for me to start a relationship. Having LD in my relationship allows me to grow the relationship strong. Heaps of reward in the final union. However, I have not met one man who can stand the test...

LDR is about being able to describe to other on the other side of the world your day like the smells, tastes, sights, feelings, accents, sounds that you are experiencing. Then it is about listening to the foreign descriptions like one who has no senses. It is about two people experiencing two different worlds but doing so as one. It is learning to keep the other's presence with you in everything you do even when touch is unavailable to you.

It allows you to create a world where talking and listening are very important. Gentle discussions are very intense and inspiring. I say so with experience. I walked with happy and confidence in my back pocket in those precious moments. No, it didn't work out and having it happen again seems unlikely. So why do I believe in LDR? I was liked for a brief moment in time without worry if my outward appearence failed the chemistry test. I am not ugly nor am I drop dead gorgeous but to have physical chemisty is a must and it has been an unknown factor in my life. With LDR the chemistry was of the mind, heart, and the soul. It was enough until he disappeared...

depression in Rings movie?!

Ok, I told you I was watching 'The Lord of the Rings' movies again this summer... When I read and watched the movies that last time, my heart heard a lot of war things. This time around I am hearing tones of depression! This movie is echoing what issues that are before me. I am leaning in because God works in mysterious ways even through movies...

obedience ...

I didn't catch her name but she was talking about 'Pilgrim's Progress'. What really pricked my ears was her simple definition of obedience. I really wished I had learned this catch phrase when a wee girl but I got it now and I want to share with the wee generations. Obedience always brings blessing. Disobedience always brings destruction. Don't get me wrong I know this but this is wrapped up in a neat package and easy to recite and remember.

She was going further and breaking obedience down into three areas:
patient obedience - waiting on God and not on any one esle or thing! ie: If you were meant to fall in love, God would have given him to you. If there is no love, then you don't need it. Ok, that bites! She used the exact same sentence I have used on myself to passify my hurt feelings.
disciplined obedience - thought life - Phil 4:8 Whoa! Another verse I use to keep my thoughts on a higher level.
enduring obedience - faithful - Again, a question I ask myself ... Am I faithful?

I wonder if she will be speaking again tomorrow. I can't wait to hear more! She really reaffirmed the path I am on right now.

ducks swimming in the Cup!

Hip Hip Horrrrrrrrray!!!! The DUCKS!!!!!! I enjoy hockey and now that my favorite Gretzky has retired from the ice, I cheer for any American team that can stomp a Canadian team! {smiles} sorry!

warm hearts ...

She came at 5:55AM today all 7.3lbs and 19ins of her. My beautiful niece! Some babies just don't look so cute and cuddly. But she has beautiful skin. Her first name comes from the new mom and her middle name comes from her great grandma on her father's maternal side. A unique name, Lucia Irene. Light & Peace. {Good choice, you too.} I love the meanings of names. So teach her well and she will become all her name calls her to be.

I went up to see my new niece and there was no competition unlike when my nephew came. I got to hold the darling little obe for over an hour and a half. She laid there sleeping and every once in a while she would get a bit grumpy. She didn't open her eyes. Little bro says she has her mama's lips and can't see our side in her. No, she isn't like her nephew who looked like a spitting image of his great grandpa on his father's paternal side which was slightly eerie but like a whisper of one passing as the other came. I see a ridge right at the eyebrows. Her head tapers at the top leaving full cheeks. You could say that is normal with babies but just maybe she does and will carry the features of her great grandma on her father's paternal side. The great grandma that passed last summer. This grandma carries a heavy brow and strong jowls. Time will tell.

I put my finger in her curled fist and in sleep she would latch her cold litttttttle fingers around my cold hands. A kindred warm heart!!! A moment stilled and quiet. Babies. Mircles. Quiet. Peace. I wonder what her little path will take her. I wonder what our relationship will be like...

Shhhhh, did you hear Him pass?

to be more noble ...

Why is it that when I read or watch 'The Lord of the Rings' that I change? What changes? Well, I want more nobility, more adventure, more purpose, more passion... My speech and my thoughts rise to a higher plane. I begin to see life in split levels. I can see past the earth and into a heavenly realm. This is a profound nugget for me.

See, my job isn't what I was born to do. But at this time God has put it on my plate. It is what I must do. Splitting it open, the kingdom portion is how I perform my earthly work. I cannot go down in frustration and anger. I must see HOW I DO my work with nobility! If need be, I am the little warior-princess clothed with the Kingdom's armor and welding the 'doubled-edged sword' out to slay the mighty dragon.

~note to self~
Every summer: watch/read 'The Lord of the Rings' Movies

stormy new job ...

I was reading Ron Mehl's book called "Surprise Endings". In the chapter about storms I was reading that the best time for plants to grow in not the warm gentle rains or a nice summer day, rather it is when it is storming!

Botanists tell us that if you were to take a cross-section of the earth during a vicious storm, you could literally oberve the roots reaching further down into the soil.

Guess what? Last week I observed this with the corn fields and the tall grasses obscuring the view at country intersections! I almost missed the black cow chewing the cud in the farmer's overgrown grass field. I wonder if he loses track of all of his baby black cows!

Oh, how I hate to admit that I grow during the worst storms in my life. I am a learner by nature but when it hurts I tend to pour it on and figure out how to fix it and not let it happen again. Right now I am in the middle of a realllllllly scary storm. I feel like I am holding a greased bar on a red caboose on a runaway Japanese train. (Yes, I know I am mixing up two different trains but it is my picture!) The back of my neck stands up and I can feel my defience mode settling into my mind. I dislike that feeling. I want to be meek. I must let my spirit rule. {breathes} My new boss wanted to talk about something. Yikes. Doesn't help when the 'teacher' starts my day by saying, 'you are really behind. Better stay late and get caught up.' Goooooood grief! I've been working 9+hrs a day! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Here me roar!!!! Good thing I have some time to reboot...

affectionately...

I was able to thumb through Ronald Reagan's letters that was published this week. I greatly admire men who take the time to write letters and especially love letters. How you write and what you write reveals the inner man and not some paint and plaster. I have admired the love stories of men and women who have written to each other and have fallen in real love before even seeing each other. I wish I could remember the books I read those mail-order-bride stories as a young girl. -sighs-

My brain's inner dialogue has been experimenting with letter writing...

'Today is a warm one. High 80's and sunny. Its Saturday and it is all mine to do with as I please. I made roasted stove top potatoes for lunch to go with my tuna patty. I like to cook something up that I will not do during a weekday. Those potatoes were delish with a bit of salt, butter, and organo. MMMM. I tried a new flower to paint. The Iris. It came out ok. I like to get other's reaction before I will like it. Shame on me. I do enjoy the painting. I love how I feel inside. Finally getting the Iris to come out ok does allow me to take a piece and create for Mom's order. I did finally push myself outside to take a walk. I would rather have a walking buddy so I took God with me. I didn't talk. Hope that was ok. I did drink in the houses and the landscapes the owners have tried to do to their yards. Sure is hot for the beginning of summer. There where a lot of graduation parties that I walked by. Made me nostalgic remembering back to my own high school graduation. It was a beautiful walk and I was quite sweaty when I go home. After cooling down, I shaved ice and added grape juice, lemon juice and sparkling water. MMMM. I decided to write you. Hope my eyes took you away for a bit....'

Funny how writing tidbits of what you did or what happened to you is as important as your great thoughts, beliefs, and issues. It is your eyes to your world and it is conveyed through the paintbrush of your words... I just might have something here...

beauty of a life given ...

'Remember Me!'

This is a great YouTube movie! It will make you smile and your heart hurt a bit.

in God I trust ...

If I had my way, this war would never have been commenced. If I had been allowed my way, this war would have ended before this. But we find it still continues; and we must believe that He permits it for some wise purpose of His own, mysterious and unknown to us; and though with our limited understandings we may not be able to comprehend it, yet we cannot but believe, that He who made the world still governs it.

We are indeed going through a great trail - a fiery trial. In the very responsible position in which I happen to be placed, being a humble instrument in the hands of our Heavenly Father, as I am , and as we all are, to work out His great purposes, I have desired that all my works and acts may be according to His will, and that it might be so, I have sought His aid.
~ Abraham Lincoln, October 6, 1862

I do not doubt that our country will finally come through safe and undivided. But do not misunderstand me... I do not rely on the patriotism of our people... the bravery and devotion of the boys in blue... or the loyalty and skill of our generals...

... But the God of our fathers, Who raised up this country to be the refuge and asylum of the oprpressed and downtrodden of all nations, will not let it perish now, I may not live to see it ... I do not expect to see it, but God will bring us through safe.
~ Abraham Lincoln, June 1863 weeks before the Battle of Gettysburg

When everyone seemed panic-stricken... I went to my room ... and got down on my knees before Almighty God and prayed... Soon a sweet comfort crept into my soul that God Almighty had taken the whole business into His own hands...
~ Abraham Lincoln

Wow! I find huge comfort from a great President of old to the President today - a humble human prespective. Two men alone in their wars but standing in their faith of the Almighty. The human history books will surely pale in the light of the Kingdom's history books. I cannot wait to pour over those Heavenly volumes!

time too fast ...

time for speed
time for slow

time for work
time for rest

time for serious
time for playful

time for depth
time for surface

time for flurry
time for calm

time for balance !

Help! I am in over my head! I work best in a calm steady pace. Work has been break neck warp speed. I've been learning a new job under pressure from the 'teacher'. I've been trying my hardest to survive under the lack of reassurance that I need. I've got a plan to bring in plants and my paintings to combat the numbers. I do detest numbers. What have I got myself into? The stress is toooooo much. Depression is ever inching closer to bowl me over, but I see her out of the corner of my eye. I cannot let the enemy defeat me. Remember the talent story Jesus told? Arn't I suppose to invest the talent He gives me and give the returns back to Him? My talent is detail, hard work, the love of learning. But I must keep what I have learned like my surface, my greetings... I got to do my best and yet keep my playful happy side ever close...

light burden...

... as we travel through life ...
... what we begin the journey with ...
... and what we pick up along the way ...
... what we take with us ...
... is never more important than what weleave behind!
... as we've traveled along life's path, how grateful i am for your company and how grateful i am for your bringing along what I lack. ... but most of all, i'm grateful for what you've left behind when we had to part ... for those provisions sustain me on my journey and lighten my burden. ~ for Susan and all my beautiful fellow travelers in life. ~ T.W.
(Tom Wilson creator of the Ziggy comic strip)

I had saved this comic from 2002 and stumbled on it today. I feel this yet I am not always in the kind frame of mind as this quote. I have had a fellow traveler that left me behind without word to his reasons why. He left me with great memories and yes, these memories have been provisions for my journey. I still have that hunger ache in the pit of my stomach and the burden of this is heavy on my heart. I am grateful for this good gift and I weep in my gratitude to God. I will go forward. I will hold this good gift dear and walk with a light foot. God has promised in His time all things are made beautiful. This departure will be beautiful in His time...

hymn food for the soul...

I never liked Mom's job. She works at the hospital 12 hours daily and 2-3 consecutive days a week. When it is two days in a row it falls every third weekend. Holidays are every other. We are always having to work around her schedule. And trying to get someone to cover a requested day off is impossible. I wanted her support and presence for my glass show and but noooooo. Dad struggles the most on Sunday when Mom works. He doesn't like being alone on that day especially.

Tonight Mom just sat down and poured her heart out. It was a rough two days. She works on the cancer wing. Today a wife was told that her husband's (same age as me) time is now. Mom expressed how God always gives her just the right words to say. Like today she said, 'You cannot handle this alone. You need your support system. Your family is your support. Who can we call?' I don't think she realized God's touch until later. Then she said something profound, 'sometimes we need a support system.'

I made a note to self to let her know that I am glad she expressed herself. I want to be able to support her. Family is your support right? After the hug, she said she was sorry for letting it all out! Come on! No! Let me support! In fact that is my life's role or job.

I asked her if she found that her faith & relationship with God helped her with all the death that comes to her floor. She said definitely. Then she told me about how the Amish (we have a good size community of them here) come and surround their loved one and sing. It could be just young people or a group of family but they come and sing the hymns like how they did at my grandma's funeral last summer. It is parts with no instruments. Often other patients and families ask if the Amish will come by and sing or even just come sing in the hall. The Amish even in their grief and joy come out in the hall and sing. Amazing! Of course I had tears and then made mom cry.

I can't help but think how awesome it would be to make time with someone special or even your whole family up to her floor and sing the old and dear hymns. What a perfect crash op for a barbaric off-road trail.

'is good' ...

The usual means of selecting one's mate is no less dominated by appearances. Those seen as ordinary are NOT considered. But if the calves are a centimeter higher, if the eyes are a centimeter wider, if the clothes come from the right store, if the career gives the right impression, if the accent is from the right part of the country, if the age is less and the hair is more, then the individual is attractive and desirable and worthy of all-comsuming, single minded pursuit. No one would be so dumb as to pick a friend because he or she had good legs, and yet considerations such as that influnence the choice of one's life partner. What comfort is a complexion when you must come home and tell of a business failure? What tenderness and fun can the right height give to your newborn child? And in illness what compassion can come from net worth? Looks good or is good: that is the needed shiftin perception.
'Notes to Each Other" by Hugh & Gayle Prather

Yikes, one makes a list and then one throw it out and then only to have someone walk in one's life as a walking talking human list of exactly what you want then he walks out. Do you keep the list that you made notes on? or do you just live and if another walks in just take it in stide? What if height is in the small letters?

The list is about taking care of yourself and friend should be an important part of that list... keep the list if it has the right stuff on it!

red glass, white flowers to add in the blue...

A Russian proverb states "The darker the night, the brighter the stars." We appreciate so much in the world through contrast: warmth after we have been cold, coolness after sweating, rest after hard work, health after sickness, joy after sorrow. This accounts for our spring thrill. It is only because many of us bave been color deprived that we feel so ecsttic as pinks, reds, yellows, lavenders, oranges, and periwinkles pop from the ground and effusively decorate trees.
taken from a beautiful and a visual vacation magazine called La Vie Claire

I do love winter and this spring I have been enjoying the colors spilling out. I love to make flowers with my paint. Today it was red glass that I choose white flowers with green blue leaves and swirls to adorn it. I know where I am putting it. There is a shelf in my living den where it will dazzle along with all the red, white, and blue things I find so comforting...

petal companions...

Before I could get outside, the rain began to drizzle. No matter, I put on a rain coat and slipped outside with scissors to cut some flowers for myself this three day weekend. I clipped a white-pink peony, a pink peony, and a purple iris. The rain drops was an added bonus. I scared off the big black ants. I know they love peonies with a passion but I was not willing to share my house with them. I pulled down a vase, added cold water and salt, and arranged the flowers. I looked with intensity at how God arranged and formed each intricate petal and leaf. WooWhee, I forgot how fragrant peonies are! I was busy puttering in the kitchen/craftroom whether I was eating or painting and I was never alone! I would get a whiff and just beam. A pure and simple companionship!!!

green rows, red winged, mr & mrs chip

1. Dark earth combed in rows have green corn sprouts growing about an inch stretch out as far as the nearest horizon.

2. Fence post over grown with twigs and green leaves have a red winged black bird sitting sentry looking ... for what I haven't clue. I wouldn't mind sitting there just looking myself especially in the chaos I call my life right now. I work best in calm. go ducks! Sorry, just because I like red wing black birds doesn't mean I will root for them in my favorite sport of hockey!!

3. Giggles that envelopes my heart when I walk out to find mr and mrs chip running around. I can't help but greet them - 'Peek-a-boo, I see you!!'

two yeses ...

I would never parade my pursuit of love with a bunch of other girls after one guy upon the world stage. Watching hearts break and human misery flaunted, gets my gut in a twist. How do you get your heart broken gracefully? Is it even possible? Well, I am going to attempt it.

I feel that you have to have self rules to follow. Of course, you realize this after hurting to many times, yet it seems it is a mistake you will keep making.

If you are going to give everything you got, shouldn't you receive it back? or it isn't love. If you are focused on him and no other, should he have undivided attention for you? or it isn't love. If he deserves a happy ending, shouldn't you deserve a happy ending? Why does the girl go boo-hooing about about what she did wrong or that she was the best or that he doesn't know what he is missing? Shouldn't it be 'love is a choice of two people and not just one.' If my answer is yes but his answer is no, doesn't it mean no, this is not love and get on with my life?

Oh, if it were that easy and hearts did not break...

thinking vs debate

I cannot stand to argue or debate of any kind. I melt in total anger not to mention that my tongue becomes paralyzed. I was intrigued when in one of our four hour phone conversations, he showed me how he brings one into a discussion. It added to his keeper qualities. When our emails and phone conversations became a thing of the past, I had cried out to God. I wanted to know more about this better way to discuss. He had the key and know I would never know.

God being a Wise and Ultimate teacher, sent a book my way. I ate up! Through discovering how the brain works, making maps and supermaps, wanting to make order out of everything, and wanting to learn for self instead of being told what to do, I was being told by God how He designed me and my brain if not all peoples and their brains as well. I am not weird even though I am left with this weird need to think instead of debating without a go-to partner to perfect my thinking.

Thinking is all about asking the right questions with the first question being of permission to ask. I have to give up asking my favorite question - why! I came to that understand of not asking God why questions years back, but now I cannot ask it at all! I can do it especially when I realized that why is all about the past. What or how are questions about now and the future! It is amazing to watch how it works when tried!!!! It is me and myself with this new knowledge. I will succeed.

sea, sand, & shells ...

One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach -
waiting for a gift from the sea.
~ 'Gift from the Sea' by Anne Morrow Lindbergh

whose hurt worst?

Few people believe they have the right body, and yet they do not destroy it. Many think they did not get the children they deserve, and yet they would never desert them. Most people will not even abandon a dog. Why is it so impossible to say, "You are my friend. I will never leave you."

It is not. And I say this to you now:
You are my partner, the one I want to walk through life with, the one I want to grow old with, the one whose hand I want to hold as I die. I will never neglect you. I will never turn from you. Forever and forever, I will never leave you.
from 'Notes to Each Other' by Hugh & Gayle Prather

I stumbled upon this book as I was taking my Saturday slow and weeping over memories. I reread his 2 letters again. I wept over never being able to write that book together. I hope though that one day when I feel strong again to write MY OWN book. Not doing so good this weekend all alone with my miserable thoughts, then to open up this book and read the first page... and a couple of others ...

You and I have seen the shattered minds and shattered lives that can result from breakups. Often the one most affected is not the one who was left, bu the one who took the initiative. There are exceptions, just as there are exceptions to the wisdom of continuing to try, but society kids itself if it believes that people don't pay for their betrayals. The inner toll is so enormous that if a couple could guess at even a portion of the nightmare they are choosing to walk into, they would work a little harder; they would in fact toil. from 'Notes to Each Other' by Hugh & Gayle Prather

firstfruits

When I read about ‘firstfruits’ in the Bible, I thought it met that the farmer took the best of his crops - the top of all his crops. Listening to a Bible teacher recently, he stated that ‘firstfruits’ was the entire first crop that came in for the farmer. He would offer the entire crop to God without knowing if the next day a storm would wipe out the rest of his season of growing!

Around here the farmers grow corn and beans. Except this season I am sure I will see more corn because of the increase use of ethanol. Right now the little plants are just peeking up through the richly brown earth from last night’s rain storms. Driving past them on the way to work, I can see how the weather affects the corn. A farmer could have a very nice or a very small crop. Giving of his firstfruits means banking on your faith and confidence of God. He did promise that you have more value than the birds and see how they do NOT worry for food.

Take a crop like the cherries in June that will be ready to pick. I know that first picking is always the best of the fruit. Later pickings aren’t always so good because of the friendly birds. Would you be willing to give away that first batch in a pie or jam for someone in need over yourself? Ok, you could say that this is O.T and I am getting down to nit picking. Yes, it is up to you to try this out and what to try your faith on. God is into mystery and surprises. You just might be blown away!

Now take a ‘crop’ that is special to you. For me it would be my painting. Am I willing to take all that I make from my first ‘crop’ and give to God? Without knowing if the show will be a bust or a bright season? Am I willing to add this new knowledge of ‘firstfruits’ to my tithe practices?

Honor the Lord with your possessions and with the firstfruits of all your increase; So your barns will be filled with plenty, and your vats will overflow with new wine.
Prov. 3:9 &10

Your money:
tithe - 10% of what you have / O.T. 25%!!!
firstfruits - your first crop
love offering - what moves you

unexpected peace ...

I asked for some kind of relief. I just didn't know what to ask for. After having my passion to paint die a little this past weekend and coming to a downward trend of my mood and having a request turned down and having to train someone for my old job, I just didn't want to spin out of control. I want to be professional and peaceful. I just did not know if I could do it after having a huge anger bite your tongue moment!!! Come on, isn't there a warning in the Bible to bosses that provoke their employees? Isn't not following through a form of disrespect and prime real estate for provoking anger. ARgh!

God came through and I am glad I was paying attention to recognize His peace. The girl is very easy to train. She was eager and I felt at ease. She has no bad habits like past trainees. I was able to smile full force without faking it. I have to give God honor and a huge thank You for knowing exactly what I needed even when I didn't know myself. I declare today a gooooooooood day!!!

OOOO, my knees ache. On with the yummmy smelly muscle cream and off to sleep with gratitude in a smile on my face as I doze off to dreamland.

my 2nd glass show ...

Yesturday I had my second craft show where I took my painted glasswork to show and to see if anyone would be willing to part ways with their 'greenbacks' enough to take my artwork into their home and enjoy. In my first show I sold only 3 pieces and this show I sold 12. I guess on the bright side I sold four times what I did three years ago. I am still bummed. I packed four boxes and I am returning with four boxes. They are still stacked in the kitchen unopened. My apartment is a small one. I want to be able to live in it simply. My craftroom doubles as the kitchen and it is often a battle each Saturday when I want to paint and eat. It doesn't help that I am being my reflective sad mood again. Here is my best atempt to think well and balanced so read on.

~F~acts : (focus on what was done NOT wasn't)
I learned a lot about myself and my art. I learned that I could step outside my comfort colors and try other colors like orange and yellow. I learned that certain color combos can take a piece and elevate it to an elegant artwork like the purple velvet pansy with teal white leaves on a teal frosted Riesling wine bottle that curve and angled in with an breath of debonair. I learned that I can and have edged away from the teacher. I learned to look at pictures of the Master's creations and have tried my best to copy them even I will never be able too. I have learned that spring colors and flowers are a favorite of mine - it is right up there with landscapes. I learned more about God's romance for me through His beautiful landscapes and His detailed beauty of a flower as simple as a violet or as artisan as an orchid.

~E~motions : (focus on the positive feelings)
I had a lot of excitement going into this glass show even some good anxiety. I had some major good thoughts about presentation. I had found a cornflower blue tablecloth that all the glass I had painted would look their very best. I also used square and corner tiles with purple blue flowers to accent as price tags. I even transformed my neglected dry erase board with my purple blue flowers as well. I know that when I go to craft shows my shy side doesn't ask questions like I should so the dry erase board had info if they where shy and even could prompt questions. I was very excited as I keep hearing voices say I do well or 'I wish I could see all you do'. I love painting what I enjoy painting. It isn't much fun to paint what I don't want to. All that I was painting was what I wanted or what I say the glass says to me and even what others ooooed and ahhhhed over. I really thought my pansies would sell even thought it would sell out.

I wiggled in my skin when I finished what I call my show stopper. It was that teal bottle. I loved it and I couldn't wait to get others reaction. It didn't make it to the show. A lady at work bought it. I am now glad that it didn't make it to the show. It would have been a real downer to have no one buy it as it probably would have just stood their looking pretty just like a beautiful girl at a party where no one pays attention to. Oh yeah, the emotions are suppose to be good ones. Like I said before I am glad the teal pansy bottle didn't make it to the show.

~E~ncourage : short, simple, sweet acknowledgement. be generous!)
I must send a thank you to Mrs. Bennett. She made me feel very good about being there. She knew me in a life past but it was great that she remembered and was attentive. The event had a theme and a ton of detail was put into it all. I knew they really had to work hard at planning and advertising. They outdid themselves with the signs and the decor. They aimed to love with their details and it showed.

I must say thank yous to those I invited and who showed up. I had invited most of those who thought I did great work and wanted to see the whole of what I do, but the vast majority did not show. No family made it either. So to those who showed up and really encouraged me and I must encourage them back. Like mamma said, you do what is important to you...

~L~earning : (focus on NEW insights not the details
I learned to do what I love. Yes, I need to try to paint things that scare me to expand my work, but to get lost in color and flowers is quite intoxicating. At this point I could turn down a very dark path but from those four boxes of my glasswork, I need to celebrate them... I guess a new insight is to learn to celebrate the pieces... and figuring out how...

~I~mplications : (focus on new wiring, new maps)
My goal is to paint for myself. I have a few projects I wanted to complete. Now is the time. I won't be painting any more candles. It is not what I want to do - maybe for a gift but not to sell. I will not buy any more glass. I might even have to reject glass because I have no room nor outlet to sell. If and when I get an office of my own, I will bring in glass weekly like some of the women bring in flowers. Seems frivolous but if they can enjoy the whif of smelly flowers while crunching numbers, I can enjoy artwork like taking in a whif of sight that carries me away to someplace special.

~N~ew
~G~oal:
Well, I don't think I am doing well with thinking but I must get it out and start fresh. I plan to rearrange my studio aka. kitchen so that I can work better and not fight it every time I want to eat. I plan to enjoy my painted flowers at work since I kill plants on the side. My lasted victim? the pansies I bought for a buck. I need to be creative in cross stitching and looming so the painting will slow down dramatically over the summer months. I have gifts to make so I will doing those.

~current reality~
I have to much of my artwork in my over crowded living space.

~explore alternatives~
1. super stocked when it comes to gifts. Time to give them for all occasions and just because. Could unload on college friends that don't live near.
2. have a glass sale instead of a yard sale at my parent's place.
3. wait it out until September when the craft shows begin again.
4. take in a piece of glass each week to enjoy and possibly get rid of...
5. consignment
6.
7.

I need more alternatives. At this moment in time, I won't be doing any more shows. Especially since they begin in the fall for Christmas and all I have now is spring stuff. 1, 2 and 4 look ok to do.

~tap energy~
Uh, what energy? I have none! Maybe tomorrow or next week or next year ... I don't even have energy to clean my brushes and put them away! Oh well, I am in a mood. This too will past like my mother always says. ARRRgh! Blah!

{sticks fingers in my ears and blammbers and hides under the covers}

Ok, I will act grown up only because I should. I need to think on beauty. Focus my energy on the good facts and the good feelings. I am energizes by God Beauty. Maybe that is my calling ... to be energized by God's Beauty through my painting and vocally say it aloud when others ask what I do or why I paint...

Why do you paint? How did you know you could paint?
I love glass and I love God's flowers and colors. I like to express the Joy of God though my humble attempts to paint His Masterpieces. I like the joy I feel inside when I stand back and take it all in. I enjoy the figuring out how to make the strokes of the brush to create a flower. I express my gratitude often for His Beauty. It takes my breath away to imagine the Creator as He creates and the Joy He has when He stands back and marvels. I know He loves it much more than I could ever...

I loved glass and had a whisper of wanting to paint since I was a child. I searched to see if there was paint for glass and was pleasantly surprised to find it! I bought 3 different colors and daddled. The rest is history. The rest is the expression of my romance with God ...