living a lie ...

Why write? To record personal lessons? What about fleshing out choices we don't make or cannot make in our lives?

I am a writer who tends to write out my lessons which are many. So what if I fleshed out a character to take on the choices I cannot seem to make in my own life to see what journeys and paths this character would have to take on even if it got ugly. Who knows maybe this character ends up making the correct choice for her but not for me the writer.

I was watching a show where a girl got to ream out a boy for not showing how much he cared for her. I was going to be really miffed if she kept him on because she was intensely attracted to him. I was pleasantly surprised. I having been in a place where I had kept my mouth shut and had a broken heart looked on feeling old (was hoping for wise) all the while cheering was going on in my heart. About time for a girl victory in the broken heart department. Don't get me wrong. The girl was broken hearted. Her chilling statement was what if she won't ever get to have the happy ever after. She really loved this guy but she wanted to be loved back. She was brutally honest. And she hurt anyway. But to have the ability to be honest can cut like a knife and it will cut your own heart if used. I want to be honest but I fear. I don't know how to balance kindness and honesty.

So my shower thought this morning was be a little-god and direct out a path not taken for myself in a 'throw away' character! Would I be able to grow some honesty? Or should develop a self portrait character and create a noble tale...? Maybe this is all a rouse to help me find my way back to an honest 8 yo and then I can do what I do best - record personal lessons...

I do think what is quite interesting is that whether a girl keeps quiet or is brutally honest, she ends up with a broken heart. However, in one scenario the hardship rest totally on the girl but the other the hardship rests on both if not more so on the guy. Just maybe the guy will be haunted enough to do something about his inability to love. I had thought so all along in my own choice and to see it played out in this way allows me to try baby steps to honesty.

PS: The opposite of honesty is a lie. I have to say that I am not going around and telling lies verbally. And I am not going around and fibbing with my actions. Rather, I live quietly and hide my actions if I don't feel safe. So by omission I live a lie! Yikes. How is that for BRUTAL HONESTY!