from 'fat suit' to rudie nudie ...

(email from PreciousGift March ‘05)
Here's a word pic...

Keeper is an 8yo Keeper and is just out of the bath.
She realizes she hasn't got a towel... =0

What does she do???

She stands there, the hairs on the back of her neck prickling.
She looks at the door lock, and the door knob.
She hesitates.
She puts her ear to the door and listens... NO foot steps or voices... only her own breathing can she hear.
She looks at the door lock and the door knob again
She holds her breath.
She jams her leg and knee against the door.
She reaches up and grabs the door knob tightly... and .... turns it ever so slowly.
She unbolts the door quietly... not even a sound.
She hears the internal latch click to release the door.
She breathes again.
She listens... and removes her knee.
She pulls the door ajar to reveal the outside light of the hallway.
She peeks through the crack and looks for signs of movement.
She sees all is still and quiet.
She opens the door more... enough to push her head past the door.
She slowly moves her head around the corner of the door post.
She peeps and she peeks both left and right... quiet.. still.

She flings the door wide open and in a single motion dashes down the hall to the safety of her room.
She slams the door and feels the heaving of her chest as she realizes a victory!!!!!

A naked dash...
A rudie nudie dash... to safety!

(IM conversation over email just sent:)
pg: you ok? rudie girl
k: i didnt realize that i was hiding. You stated it and i see it. Have a ways to go but i am sooo much better than in those old days. i feel better at knowing and showing the real me .....
pg: I don't think you have a ways to go   i think you're there
k: ohhh coool!  i have done lots of growing .... and stretching .... letting the butterfly wings dry…
pg: i think by honoring your own thoughts you will empower yourself and become the woman Keeper was cut out to be ..

.. yes you have grown... but where have you grown?????  if you think about it... you are still the same girl you were at 8 years of age
k:  ahhh i see .....
pg:  you have just learnt to come out and expose yourself to the possible criticism of being someone you've always been. the ugly duckling story... we always try to fit into surroundings that are not our own.  they are other people's environments... we take them on because to us it seems safe...
k: yesssss .. i was more bold in my elementary years ... i saw myself go quiet ..... and now i am becoming more comfortable with the real me
pg: EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wooooooooooooooooooooo hoooooooooooooooooooooo!!! touch down! I love the little girl you were meant to be not the one you were told to be.
k: way cooool .... (speeeechlessssss)
pg:  i know i know, you want a hug now... good grief... women ((((((Keeper))))))
k: thank you .... I you have given me such praise ..

..did you ever see shallow hale?
pg: yep... loved it and hated it
k: here probably comes the 'fake me' ... i sometimes believe that i have self afflicted shallow hal belief
pg:  nope... I don't believe it .. from what you've told me of yourself... even if a guy were drop dead gorgeous... you get bored with him if he was self centered or dim... or withdraw from him if he had a critical nature.
k: true
pg: you ain’t shallow hal
k:  i mean that i look at myself .... seeing nothing wrong ..... yet .... nothing seems to come from it .... sooo i think maybe what i see is the 'thin ' me ... but I’m really the 'fat' me figuratively
pg: nope... again your thoughts betray the real you. the real you wonders why she hasn't been picked up by a guy... right?
k: your right
pg: so if i can't be how she looks... her mind says there must be something sinister or gross people see in me... right?
k: yup
pg:truth is that the sinister thing is created by Keeper... because people can see one Keeper... and the real Keeper is trying to shine trough. they get confused because they're not sure which Keeper to like
I know you're not really 600lb
   I know you are shy
   I know you have some wonderful thoughts
   I know you are a good person
   I know you are attractive to look at
   I know you are frightened to reveal the real you... because you've been criticized for a long time and it's my guess you've taken to self-criticism as a result
k: guilty
pg: but I wouldn't be here corresponding to a woman with no face for 4 years if I didn't think she was a genuinely, kind, thoughtful attractive woman
k: thank you for that
pg: now I'm getting all gooey
k: goooey looks goood on you!

I look back at that girl and realize she still didn’t get it! She got caught up with the nude word. She felt it meant that maybe she had been dishonest (holding back) with him and how could that be? She was the most honest with him than most relationships … No, it wasn’t about dishonestly rather it was how she had lost herself over the years.

What had happened with this girl was the vulnerable (nude part) was getting tired of being hurt. So to cope she would put on more layers. Once the turtleneck, gloves inside mittens, long sleeves, long pants, two pairs of wool socks made from Aussie sheep, high boots, and long thick winter coat, hat, and muffler stopped keeping her warm from the bite of the outside world, she resorted to putting on a ‘fat suit’. Yes, she put that ‘fat suit’ right on top of all the other layers!

In her twenties she had completely lost the 8 yo little girl she once was so she started fixing herself with self-help books which only added more fat in her fat suit. All those layers restricted her freedom and movement causing more fear and a whole lot of disappointment.

What caused this fear and wanting protection from hurt? It started out with her shy personality. Little words would add up that she just wasn’t good enough to be wanted or needed. Buck tooth beaver slander any chance of her to be beautiful to others. Even with teeth straightening didn’t work. Plus, add the thick glasses she now wore. The little girl felt so frightened around the boys that she feared looking or acting stupid in front of them. Never believed that she was smart, she had very average to below average grades to prove it. Nothing could knock this fear she had. It left her very mindful of just wanting some attention and safety from someone of the opposite sex.

Women in particular are caretakers and are to be beautiful. Little girls begin to lose themselves by trying so hard to be attractive to others. They like good attention. They want special attention. So they start trying to please everyone. That is when the layers begin. Through each decade loss mounts until all that is visible is this 600lb fat suit. There is no little girl. (men can lose themselves within fat suits too. But this girl is not qualified to answer in this area.

This email and IM conversation never left her mind. The dishonesty factor kept bothering her. Not until now after realizing her precious gift had disappeared (a year and a half later!) – again just another rejection and by her most favorite special person -, did she realize that again she had lost herself by wondering how he thought of her. Why is that she forgets that she is in a relationship with herself for life? Why is it that every time a new relationship comes along she steps down from herself? No more. This must stop. No more carrying around 600lbs of ‘fat suit’.

It is quite alright to be the joyful happy girl. What are girls made for but to be bubbly and sometimes a bit goofy? It is attractive! What does it matter that she shows her smarts especially to guys? Who cares if they think her stupid or smart? She has a title to her thoughts and her journey. Her questions are only for understanding. She only desires to live her best life to the fullest. What does it matter that she might dress up or wear some sparkle? She is a girly girl after all. What does it matter if there is a bit of tear leakage? She is a deep feeler. Then there is the fact that because she is a woman, her protective instincts kick in and like most women out in public on her own she averts her eyes.

From now on the fear will be confronted with this new epiphany. Is the fear coming from what others might think of her? Then so what! She will make her rudie nudie dash. Is the fear from rejection of her or her ability? Then so what! She will make her rudie nudie dash. Is the fear coming from ‘oh, it has never been done before’? Then so what! She will make her rudie nudie dash. Is the fear coming from her own desire to make her dreams come true? Then so what! She will make her rudie nudie dash. But if the fear is coming from her gut, then and only then will she put on a protective layer.

No longer will she hide under the 600lb fat suit. No longer will her spirit be restricted. If you don’t like her and you reject her, it will be painful but from now on her relationship with herself will be equal partners with her work life, with her dreams, with her family life, with her future mate, and with any other relationship along the way. If you don’t like it too bad!!! You will certainly miss out on her softness, her compassion, her empathy, her joy, her passions, her tenacity, her fight, her warm big brown eyes, her monster smile, her ‘alongsidedness’, her teamwork, her delight & savor, and her bigness wrapped in a small package.

rudie nudie / fat suit epiphany