friendship rules we make ...

I had this quest to find my best friend when I was a little girl. I blame it on 'Anne of Green Gables'! Anne the orphan found her best friend and so could I. Oh, I think I was caught up so in that magical book world. I found out that it is a mystical beast. I became an adult and my childhood ended when my so called best friend decided that she didn't need me because now she was all about her new family. With broken pieces in my hands, I made my formula and it goes something like this:

my friendship scale est. 1992?
LEVEL 3 :: favorite or great friends :: strong ties
LEVEL 2 :: good friends :: minimal ties
LEVEL 1 :: peers & aquaintances
0 :: people I don't trust
Always treat everyone with warmth, poise, and respect . Everyone deserves respect, but trust is earned. No force or persuasion! Friendship just happens.

I know I probably shouldn't think so hard on this, but it is something of a mystery I would love to crack open. So it is a favorite question to ask. Here is what a deep friend of mine has as his friend formula:

LONG TERM... I decide whether it's in my interest, or has a higher purpose, if I work toward getting on with this person... either yes or no is fine. And my behavior... while ALWAYS curteous... is guided by that decision.

SHORT TERM... by this I mean the individual periods of interaction... I draw a line in my mind and decide what's the least I want out of these interactions, to walk away feeling good.  If you like, it's like a bottom line in accounting terms, where by it's the least amount of progress you want to achieve from that little bit of interaction.  The line will always be different each time I speak with or interact with that person.
~ PreciousGift \ fr: Nov 28, 2003 email

I have to admit I raised my eyebrows at his short term guidelines! That is scary! Just maybe we have taken it too far or maybe we have been hurt a bit too much. { hurt is more like it }

So where do I stand today? Have my wounds healed up? Can I make an attempt to reach out with out care of the response in return? Meaning can I reach out and the reaching out is enough?

I still feel the need to label so that I know where I stand and how I want be with others. However, as of now there are no levels. Just different areas friends and everyday people fall into and how my outflow and connection will be.

My favorite type of friendship is a deep friend. I crave living in the deep so being able to dive into the stuff that makes us tick is like immercing oneself into a vat of dark chocolate. Divine! What makes it deep? Being intimate with someone in at least one or more of these areas: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Note of caution: This type of friendship is NOT one where you can go away and come back and go on like there was no break. To take from PreciousGift this is a long term friend. If you are going through something, this friend is going to journey with you. No, they can't get into your HolyMud for you, but they can take off their shoes, and kneal on this SacredGround. Guarantee that both will come through this experience in the same place. Hand holding hand.

What types of people should fall into this place? You better make sure your significant other is a deep friend. In fact they had better be deep with you in all areas of your life! Or major guarantee that your relationship won't have longevity. The other people that should fall into this place are those who push you towards God and towards being a fuller you. Oh, don't forget that your relationship with God should be deep and it should be deep physically, mentally, emotionally and not just sectioned off in the soul. He is your Keeper so you better keep Him.

Another type of friendship is the great friends. During my college years was the time I gleaned many a great friend. These are long term friends too. You may share deep stuff and you will have a shared time in this life. Yet, there is a natural coming together and going on. My college girlfriends are scattered all over yet when we come back to each other, we can talk and carry on like old times.

Here I think sharing our lives is key but the glue that holds is the staying power. These friends are much easier to lose if you don't keep each other close not just in your thoughts but you must cultivate connection. You must reach out and double insurance if they reach back. (Mental note: with gas prices cutting into my savings, I still must stop pinching pennies long enough to at least call or write. Emails are too slow. I am the only one who is actively on the web a ton. ) You must keep their backs. You must be dependable. You are on call if trouble should arise and they have need of you.

Next comes good friends. You have shared time together and you get along great. But when life moves you, you know that this friend can't go with you. You may meet up again and say hi and do some catch up. But life moves way to fast to actively hold on to them. It is a natural short term connection. You still cherish these friends for you need them. They are your allies.

While my good friends tend to be the ones I make at work, there is need of a professional behavior. Think boss or those you work with. Work is what funds your life, but on the broader scale, work is a teamsport. Now there are those who treat it like a dog fight so this comes in real handy. Basically, behaving professionally is being respectful and helpful. Doing your best work. No backstabbing or undermining someone else to get ahead.

Finally and the most surprise to me, is the what I call sunshine. I am huge on keeping a balance. I realized I was way to far into my deep side. No wonder I was mislabeled as being someone I wasn't. Something had to change so I divided my life in half. One side was depth and I quite mastered that. The other side was my surface. I wanted my surface to match who I was deep down. I could never be outgoing just not in me, but I am 'bubbly shy'. There is power in greeting people. It opens up doors of communication and they carry away with them the smile I give them. It is my goal to make sunshine to all.

Now you must be thinking that I have totally lossed all my marbles! That's ok cuz I am in a much better place.

Before I go there are still friendships that go belly up. There are many times you give out your best sunshine only to get harsh storm clouds back. There are times when endings are violent to your very being and heated anger takes hold of you. There are some that leave without warning. No goodbyes or reasons. There are some that change before our very lives and what was real wasn't and you wonder at your own truth. It is a wonder that with all the bumping and chaffing people do to each other that we could ever hold onto a friend. Labels don't carry the same definition from one person to the next. And no label can defend you against those who harm you. I am finding that the friendship journey is refining your outflow and with this struggle I am realizing to be a good friend to myself. I'm not going anywhere and if I claim to be tenacious, then I need to tenaciously treat myself with love. If I cannot love and enjoy the person I am becoming, then what will flow up from my deepest parts will not be well received....

I still have to believe in friendship. It isn't good for man to live alone...