mud slogging ...

The bad feelings come from some internal trigger. There is no control and it comes right on schedule - a stretch of good mood days followed by a stretch of bad mood days. It comes on especially hard when things don’t go smoothly land in the stretch of sad feelings like the vehicle that seems to drain you of funds. The middle to mundane becomes unbelievable monsters. You feel crushed and attacked. It is like your energy field is hyper sensitive to all around you and there is no way to desensitize. If you have ever been around an autistic person and watched how sensitive they are to their surroundings yet seem so far away verbally, you can begin to picture how these sad emotions take root in a woman’s soul and her struggle to stay on top. You know those feelings where you need to explode but you hold it inside because you want to be a good girl.

Women are God-Created as beautiful creatures so He knows how His girls struggle with these not so beautiful feelings. No matter how I try to focus on the good, I feel like I am walking up a mountain in mud up to my knees. I am trying to surround these days with music and beautiful pictures. I hum a soothing hymn. I shout out His Attributes. I declare Victory. But I got to figure out if I can incorporate some good clean stress relieving humor into the mix. I need laughter and that is the hardest to accomplish. Oh, and more sleep too! Yesterday and two preceding days were bad, today is better. Opps, no the day got worse after I wrote these words. I am doing a bit of an edit now that I came back to my words. I will keep trying! I want to work with it and not against it. This will only happen for a little while more. Then I am told the mood stays good! Hurray for that!

Mom can't remember what it was like and her advise is 'and this too shall pass'. Ok, not the words I want to hear! May I will love thoses words someday just not now!! Just give me my blankie and my teddy bear. Hibernation sounds good for the soul ... no, claw marks left on others...


Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Refrain:
I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

Words: Ci vil la D. Mar tin, 1905.
Music: Charles H. Gabriel