turning fall ...

Last Saturday as I was walking, I thought that not very many trees had turned yet. What a difference a week makes. It has turned cool from the 80* I enjoyed last weekend. Fall rains too have tugged on the leaves making them fall in pools around their former home. Now more trees have turned into their golden hues. It is finally October. The sky is a very bright blue and the fields are a dry golden color. When the sun shines every thing takes on very rich tones.

Long sleeves and jeans are welcomed as the brisk air promises frost to kill the pollens and pesky bugs. However, yesterday morning I saw a woman in short shorts and flip flops picking out silk fall flower arrangements outside the local craft store. I thought oddly funny as I was wishing for a heavy coat than the light jean jacket I had thought would be just enough. Ahh, how some cannot let go of summer and lean into fall...

filling up the child ...

I was listening to this woman on the radio speak about children and some things she said made me say Amen aloud because it spoke of me yet I am no longer a child but still need this!

paraphrase:
'If your child is an artist, she will need praise.'
'If your child is sitting in front of the tv, you are wasting his talent and talent is what makes him happy.'
'If your child is sensitive, -something about giving time and order
'If your child is melancholy, -something about allowing creative depth

I should have made some notes because it really moved and now I can't remember fully the last two points. I was sitting there seeing me now in need of what a child needs and I am an adult. It is just the place I am in. I am probably hitting my midlife crises or maybe just feeling neglected or maybe it is the stress buildup. It is time for me the 'parent' to allow the 'child' to be successful in my life.

cookin!

I have to give a shout out to Chocolate & Zucchini! I have this passion about how people learn. I love to sit at people's feet and find out what their dreams are. Within those dreams are strengths. Whatever you are strong at is the desire to learn and grow. So go over and check out how a blind man cooks!

unscathed & unmarred ...

''I just don't understand why you would say no to my friendship and say yes to a silent telephone and quiet evenings all by yourself with no one to talk to. I just don't understand.''

''I am sorry but my no is a solid no. I cannot defend myself before you in this matter. If my fate is to spend the rest of my days and evenings alone, the God I serve will defend and will commune with me. He will rescue me from myself and from loneliness. But even if He doesn't me from aloneness, I will not compromise the way that I live. I desire to live truthfully so that what I think, I can say and what I say, I do. No secrets. I will not worship my desires but will worship the One True God. I am a free woman! Why be bound to my lusts? Yes, I may live in my head too much but like the days of old when Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were thrown into the furnace, there was the Son of God walking about with them. Not hair was singed. I too can throw out my fears and doubts that lick like flames around my tortured mind and heart. I too can walk about hand in hand with the Son of God in this furnace call loneliness and come out unscathed. I am precious in His sight and will always be unmarred...''

here's to a modern day Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego story ... Daniel 3

celebrating sparrows & flowers ...

Dear Heavenly Father,
I have decided to celebrate sparrows and flowers. I have been so stressed and out of sorts lately. I have called upon You for You are my only HELP. I haven't felt much relief and my core has felt very jittery of late. I must let go.

I got really ticked when the resounding opinion about my move was hey, at least you have a window. But through that window You have brought the HELP in the form of sparrows whether they where playing in water puddles or eating worms or flitting about. As my desk has me facing the window with my back to door, my eyes goes to Your Creation. You love the sparrows and You love me even when I feel most insignificant and little.

So I vow to make my weekend a place to recoup and celebrate the simple things. I know You love me and nothing will get in the way of You loving me. That feels good. The stress is still lingering but hopefully soon my spirit will be chipper.

Thank You for my office sparrows and my fall flowers. I love You.

~always Your little girl

But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows. ~:Luke 12:7

...neither be ye of doubtful mind. ~:Luke 12:29

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to have, to hold, to give a witness ...

I was listening to Gary Smalley on the radio and he made a very interesting comment that I had to share.

No culture has ever survived with out good marriages.

Wow!

Not to long ago I heard another say that in the last days marriage will not be allowed. I did go find the verse to confirm. Again another whoa.

I told Mom that marriage is the last frontier of witnessing. I think I confused her because I knew what I was thinking on the inside but it wasn't coming out right. That always happens with me. Not a good speaker off the cuff.

Sighs... what to do with all this head knowledge ...

dead ends ...

I stumbled upon a really good book at the library that came to me at a really good time - 'God Works the Nightshift' by Ron Mehl. I loved this book as well as the 'Tender Commandments' that I went on a buying spree two years ago and got all his books.

Ron is a pastor who has leukemia. He knows the tender and dark side of living this life for God. Need some simple TLC? Read his books and maybe you will want to have him in your library. I feel that I can go back to his books over and over again. It is like a 'book soul mate'! Can that be? =)

I recently reread his book 'Surprise Endings' and now reading the last of his books I haven't read -'Dead Ends'. I am there feeling like I have been on a dead end for some time now but really has intensified in September. Tonight's chapter was about waiting rooms. Ahh, he really gave a good visual. Imagine that in your waiting room there is 'Noah reading a boating mag waiting for rain' etc. In my waiting room Noah is checking out my company's boat brochure as I am waiting to break out of a numbers job and into a writing books. {smiles} Oh, Ruth's in that waiting room too! She is waiting on a husband and Redeemer so I guess I am with good company.

God never ever said to be discouraged! Go ahead try to find it in His Word. Nope, it is always DON'T be afraid. DON'T be discouraged. Take heart. Be of Good Courage.

So here is to dead ends, nightshifts, and surprise endings...
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minimal ...

On Sunday I began to feel like a nothing. I have been under some major stress and feel that I have to knock out interferences in life in order for my potential to make a good performance. I have decided that when the little things at work or even at home come in my way that I will jump in and do what they ask with my game face on so they don't know it is bothering me and so that I don't let my bad attitude take hold. Now that I have done this I feel like I am taking everything with a whatever mode so that I don't behave badly.

What is really shaking me up is that I had a notion that I need to scrape out everything thing I do and start over. What? Yeah, I believe with all my heart that I cannot change the core of who I am. I tried it and it doesn't work so why is this coming to me now?

I feel isolated. Some of it is because of me. I do not go with the crowd. I am quiet. I don't force myself onto others. I hate it when others live outside their box and splatter their behavior all over me. I over think. I am tenacious. Dad calls me stubborn. I see things differently then others do. I abhor people telling me what to do. I loathe the disrespect shown when people tell you how to feel or what to think.

I feel isolated and this one thing I cannot control it. My food allergies make me more remote than I already feel. It can take on the ultimate form of not listening. It can even take on disrespect towards my feelings. I really have to watch this as this happens with those I love. Then there is work where I have to say yes or no to a luncheon. I have to ask about the food. I don't like doing that and because I was raised to eat everything on the plate -no complaints. Then I get an answer that didn't even go with my question! So, I am leaning towards just saying no rather then asking again. The last time I a guy co-worker wanted to know my answer. I asked what they were serving. He wouldn't tell me so I said no. I didn't give him the reason. It is a big tado over nothing every time I talk about all 36 food allergies. Why should everyone know when all they can say is I couldn't do it and then isolate me. Do you think this is fun? (I think I should develop a comic routine on my food allergies. Maybe a little humor will lighten me up!)

You know it just isn't working for me anymore. The payoff is lousy. So what can I do? Have a personality-change?

'Aged Love' {v}

While talking to a co-worker, our conversation was about how a marriage relationship becomes real good when it goes through the different seasons.

There are different things and issues that happen in the teenage years compare to the 20's, 30's, 40's and so on it goes. You can't just give up when it gets rough and redo an age. You lose out on the deep and wide of love and stay in the shallow end forever. It is sad to see so many marriages lose out when there is divorce.

I being still single am afraid that I missed out on the good stuff of the ages. I've been told that you still feel the giddy teenage stuff of every new love and this from a widower who now on her third. Not sure I believe it. There is a lot of things packed into each season.

At other times I just don't think I was made for marriage in the 20's & 30's. How sad is that? But this new age I am entering might be ok. It is more about the two of you and not about the kids. However, I do not have much to work with as the guys out there in my age bracket still have kids and there is no way I want to jump in that kind of soup. It is not fair to the kids with so many pot stirrers. However, I thought I was ready in my 30's and that didn't happen. At moments I wonder if it will ever happen. So why do I have this want? I have prayed to for my future mate and I have prayed for this want to just up and die! Argh.

Oh well, I will still believe in marriage as it should be - as God designed it to be. I will still believe in the aged love with all its depth and flavor. I will continue to discover it even if it isn't mine ...

war paint & crazy!

I am putting on war paint and wanting do something a little crazy. It is the best way I know to start a new beginning that I really don't want to do when the old seems to best fit. My attitude was sinking fast and tears where my food. I am suppose to be better than that! I am God's child! Am I not more than a conqueror through HIM who loves me? Than why am I not living it? Why am I crumbling up in a corner with red eyes? Not I, I roar as I look to Monday. I am going in with the Sword flashing on the inside as I have a brave smile and happy eyes on the outside. I will not be defeated and I will not let the thief steal my God-Confidence, my God-Peace, and my Joy.

I've been fortifying all weekend and banishing all bad thoughts with Scripture and Hymn 'talk backs'. I have this giddy smile when I talk back to bad thoughts. I guess because as a child I wasn't allowed to talk back to my parents. To take something so wrong and turn it into something good like talking back to the thief is super satisfying and mischievous!

I read somewhere that anger is a weakness! Not going there. Also that not looking into someone's eyes is showing weakness? Hmm, gotta work on that. Eyes focused on Jesus Christ is strength!!!

So here is to war paint and the happy fight that threatens my purpose and value. I am a conqueror through HIM that love me. He is my Strong Man and no one gets into my house to steal!

pressed on all sides ...

I have a bit to jaw on as I feel my world crumbling. So I have this math job when I am an English person who likes to write and read. I am a work horse and have made this job work since my like of patterns is in some sort math related. I have gotten this work nailed down with only a little that may goo out like mayo on a slightly smashed sandwich. I have a tiny office but it was just enough for me. In fact I got to choose the office and I chose it because it was small.

Work has consolidated another sister work into one making the work load a bit heavy. I have been going over the 40 hr limit to keep my head above water. I have nothing against the boss in fact I find that is the best boss so far but I have had some pretty ucky bosses. He has this idea though that I don't like. He has gotten me help but this person isn't a work horse but more of a show horse or a talking horse. You aren't going to get much help or team work out of someone like that. I hope this co-worker will prove me wrong but highly doubt it.

Then today the boss isn't wanting me to take my desk! At this place I have had some pretty lousy desks and work space but in those jobs I tolerated it. In this job I found and wanted a work space I could do my best work. It has a nice long flat area which is helpful with all the stacks of paper I deal with and it has a unique file drawer that is up high and files go from left to right in the drawer instead of back to front. This is great for the back when you are having to use these files constantly. I tried to explain why I wanted the desk so maybe I will get to keep it. I even want to have some say in the way it is position in the office. I believe designing a work space should enable you to work better. Let me tell you there are some offices that scream for a better space. Well, since they decided to do this move tomorrow and I am taking the day off, I won't have a say. I wonder if the other girl will have a say or if the boss has it in his head how it is going to be.

I just feel stupid and a cry baby about the whole thing yet I feel like I am not being heard or that I should just take it and hold it all in. I am finding that I can't and I don't know how to function. I hate looking bad and not taking something in stride is bad and unchristian like or so my feelings say.

I have been spiritually attacked on all sides. Because I feel so bad about my job, I am afraid of my attitude. I got to get it in shape. The economy is shaky and for the boat industry, it could be the survival of the fittest. Also, I know I would rather do a passion but creativity doesn't pay the bills. With all the changes at work, it is making my emotions really intense. Then I had a relationship from the past come back that I didn't want back. I did say no but I really hurt some one's feelings. It is not easy doing the right thing and I find myself second guessing how I did it. I had to say no but did I do it right without this person turning even further from God? All of this caused me to wish for a relationship from the past that was reallllllllly good to come back. I know it probably wouldn't be the same but I don't know why I was left and crazy me still misses the connection and the God talks. Today I saw him online. I said a simple hi just to keep the window open. Of course nothing. It was too much. I can't hold it together anymore. Tears was on the menu as I hurried to work. Then there is a guy that arrived at the same time I did who was there for a meeting so I got him settled. Guess what his name was? The same as the guy I wish would come back.... Talk about rub it in your face.

I did keep this relationship stuff to myself when a believer at work stopped by. She isn't a very good choice to talk about the matters of the heart. Any hint about guy stuff and she is off crushing my pearls! She is married too! ARgh. So it was a victory that I kept it to myself without incurring more pain upon my battered up heart. I did share my hurt about the changes and how purchasing is making it harder to do my job and that was ok too because I was able to keep it off her crushing me more and onto the Word. So there is a small victory here. She did suggest Psalms 139 and I did read and found comfort.

I can't wait to spend the day with my mom tomorrow. She is such a great friend and comfort. So tonight I am off to whisper a words to my Heavenly Father who will hold me in huge burly arms and rock me to sleep. I am hoping my tears are done and that He finds praise and thanksgiving bubbling up in my heart as He sings over me....

how are you? ...

"Why do you ask people how they are doing? Don't you know they will tell you there life story?'' This is the response my mom gets when she asks people how are you doing?

My mom works at the hospital and she is great at making sick people feel comfortable, at getting into elders who tell stories of the past without making them live in the now, and at listening to what ails her co-workers. She is great at getting a laugh

It is frustrating to hear the type of people that work with Mom. She has a huge ministry and yet the thief is always there to takeaway. Dad and I keep encouraging her to keep at her gift and we both are amazed at her spunk and her shouldering the woes that weigh people down.

She found out a co-worker has Crownes disease and allergic to wheat. (Mom didn't know that there is a difference between wheat and glutton - I don't know much but that glutton can be found in a lot of stuff not just wheat.) This poor girl had tears come when she told Mom she could not eat peanut butter. Mom tried to comfort her with that fact that she has to deal with my allergies and how difficult it is but there is help out there - groups to join and find help. It is a huge weight to bare when you find out about an allergy or a disease because you have this label and yes, it is great to know what is wrong but there you are left with no help! That is why people will reach out when they are asked what they are doing! They are drowning in some pain and need a human touch and a life line to keep going...

Here's to my Mom and her special gifts!!!

feelings {?}

Dear me,
Feelings are a bi-product from our thoughts, our actions, and our struggles, from interior influences and exterior influences, from what others say about us and do to us etc. The list could go and on. Feelings are fumes and life cannot run soundly on vapor. Life must run on gas like actions and character...

When it comes to hurting someone's feelings, you always must go softly and gently but you must always go on the side of character building. Feelings will get hurt and that is life. Life hurts!
~always keeper

~~~~~

Dear keeper,
I have a life choice and at this present time, I am having to enforce it. It is causing hurt feelings even on my side. I cannot let it interfere with this life choice because it is about protecting my character which is important because I must give an account to God.

I am not heartless because I am sad and feel bad but my relationship with Jesus Christ is too important for me to let human feelings get in my way. This believer's life is hard work! But True Love is not feelings but rather hard work that I am willing to be tenacious about!
~always me

you go girl!!
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interferences & winning performances ...

As I watched the American girl beach volleyball game at the Olympics where it was raining hard, I couldn't help but think that if you really want to win this you have to train not just the game rules and basics but you got to go beyond and train in wacky elements like rain.  I also heard that Phelps' coach had messed with his goggles in training to get Phelps to go beyond the safe stuff.  Then in one of his matches, Phelps' goggles began to fill up with water!  Did he let that stop him?  Nope, just another gold metal.  

I came across a formula in the Quiet Leadership book that goes like this: 'performance=potential-interference'.  When I took on this present job that was basically an unknown world to me, I did a lot of leaning into or a better word is striving.  I went for all I was worth trying to learn hard and fast which caused more pain and more frustration.  When I read a verse in Proverbs where God has striving was wrong did I begin to understand interference!  I was causing myself to fall apart and my learning was hindered.  See, I was over compensating as a way to not let interference into my approach.  This was my first learning.

My second learning of interference is that when things begin to mess me up, I need to label it quick as interference and get to training!  If a winner trains in all kinds of elements, then shouldn't I?  Why should I let interferences get in my way?  I use to look at that equation as interferences had no part in performance or in giving your best.  But I could not get away from problems, hurdles, and challenges.  All I could come up with is within a football (American) picture where you have a football guy tackling the other football guy to keep the QB safe.  Like my girl description?  No matter what there will always be interferences.  It is what you do with them that will determine your performance whether it be winning or losing.  

Training for interferences is the first mindset and then removing them to finish up makes for your potential to shine as well as your character.  All that you are left with is a winning performance!  I like that.

My Rest ...

My dearest beloved,
Come to Me, you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. I will give you Peace not as the world gives you but My Peace is good and a perfect gift. Let this overflow your cup because My good and perfect gift is of shine not shadow.

I know your arms are tired but you used the shield of faith to withstand the fiery darts and used the sword of the Spirit to protect your wellspring of life. You know to be gentle to all men and to let your home be inviting, but you also proved faithful to Me by protecting your home from the thief who seeks to tie up the strong man and scatter you. You let Me surround your weakness and stood with the belt of truth and the breastplate of right ways. I gather you in My Arms. Stay here and you will be safe.

Now sleep in green pastures beside still waters. I alone give you REST.
~always your Heavenly Father, Shepherd, Great Lover, & Husbandman.

I have this against you ...

I had to come here, my safe place, and say a few words when I should be making my breakfast. I don't know what to say really...

I have been in a spiritual battle since Labor Day when the past came back. I don't know why this came back - maybe God is showing me that 'no' is my weakness and that He alone is my Strength. Maybe He is showing me that on the human level, no is hard and painful but on the Eternal realm, it is the most freeing. I highly doubt I am done learning this lesson... All I know is I am very spiritually tired and drained...

So here is to the Words that comfort ...

''Nevertheless, I have this against you, that you have left your First Love.''
~Rev 2:4

''Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.''
~James 1:12 (check out James 1:14-15)

''For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against... the rulers of the darkness of this age...''
~Eph 6:12

''For you were brought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your character, which are God's.''
~ I Cor 6:20

''Whoever is a partner with a thief hates his own life''
~Prov 29:24

standing firm vs standing down

And Moses said to the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will accomplish for you today.
~ Exodus 14:13

This verse started my day. No wavering. No exceptions. Just stand firm with feet solid on the Rock. I went over the Sarah and Abraham story about the baby they were going to have. I was going over it for myself as well as trying to see if I could say it aloud as part of a possible conversation.

And the servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will.
~ II Tim 2:24-26

Reject a divisive man after the first and second admonition, knowing such a man is warped and sinning, being self-condemned.
~Titus 3:10-11

Hmm, I saw these two passages and felt a bit confused. When should I decide to end my giving my answer? In Timothy it seems you continue to give the answer to one who is trying to figure out the faith whereas in Titus you shut down a man who is out to make quarrels. This is something I will be bringing to God and ask for His Divine wisdom in this 'continuing conversation' that keeps going and going ...

mrs spider ...

Ok - here is my second go around! Cutting and pasting then poof - all that I wrote was gone. grrrr...

Last week ago Saturday a spider moved into my second story window. She isn't pretty. There are two white 'eyes' on her underbelly that stare at me whenever I take a peek at her.

Last weekend she had prey. It had to be a big black ant. First, it was gooey wet and then she covered it in white web. Then it was gone. Did she drop it? Dad said she was making babies with a packed lunch to go. Ugh!

Yesterday the rains had some winds that bounced her around but she was tucked in wasn't about to fall. Yet, as the world turned green, she was gone. Did she fall? Or did she drop to safety? I have to admit I was glad that she had moved on.

Today when I peeked to see the rains outside, there she was with PREY! It seemed to be a moth. It had better not be a butterfly! No, I am sticking with a moth. The bottom portion was in white webbing but the top was wet. I took some film to capture this event, hoping to see what she did with it when she was done.

I left for about two hours and when I came back, the spider was still here but the prey was gone. What did she do with it?

Hurricane Ike is scheduled to hit here in the North this afternoon. It feels like it is here already. It is rain hard. I thought there was going to be winds. I don't think we will know for sure when Ike is here unless I pay attention to the weatherpeeps. There is a front that has been dumping rains and Ike is going to piggy back it as it moves through the armpit of the US. It will be interesting to see how Mrs. Spider stays during this.

There be four [things which are] little upon the earth, but they [are] exceeding wise:
The spider taketh hold with her hands, and is in kings' palaces.
~proverbs 30:24&28 some versions say lizard!

black & white living {v}

Life is so full of varying shades of grey but a believer must live in black and white. This world likes to push the envelope believing that white lies as well as the hardened black ones are just fine. It is also what they don't know won't hurt them! It is like they are so blind! Look at all the secrets dragged out into the public stage! Look at all the hurt and pain from living out side the box!

I want to keep inside the box and toe the line. I want to be genuine and pure. I want to live in God's fence because it is so freeing and peaceful. There is no worry or looking over your shoulder.

Secrets tell. Why risk it?
*

closure ...

I believe closure helps in healing yet I wasn't allowed closure for a very very significant relationship so I know life doesn't always tie up everything in a neat bow. Life is a lot of clashing and banging into each other. It is one of the hardest part about being human. We need connection and yet there is so much conflict.

"you ought rather to forgive and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one be swallowed up with too much sorrow. Therefore confirm your love for him .." ~ II Cor 2:7

Whew! Hard to swallow this one when it is a relationship you are ending because how can it be love when you are putting the kibosh on it. In my very very significant relationship, I don't know what I did wrong and I don't know if I should even think like that. Anyways, in other relationships I know I have tried to mend them and language problems occurred even though the mother tongue was English. I probably put undo strain on it because I tend to hash and hash it out hoping for a happy ending to our struggle. I have been accused of too much hands on approach. Sooo, what to do - what to do...

This relationship learning curve has been very steep and torturous to the point that I want to give up and yet there I am in the middle of it wanting to have a clean closure for the other person so that they can go on with their life in a good way and leaving my own life intact and peaceful again. I hate fighting and I hate saying no. I hate hurting others feelings and yet I hate others not hearing my own cries and letting me be the real me and not some conjured up me. I need to be the real me and not let myself assimilate into someone else's enjoyments just to have a friend. Isn't care love but not love in the love love kinda of way?

Can't sorrow be a stiff neck like in Proverbs 29:1? Can't sorrow be a hardened heart like in Proverbs 28:14? I just can't have this. Unbelievers need Jesus Christ. I know it is in the how.
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