my thank yous '08

* sparrows * My work life has been in much turmoil and there has been a lot of changes. I had a very small windowless office where I could work quietly and listen to BBN. Here I could feed my soul on God and do a good job. Now I share a bigger office with a window. I hated the commits of how do I rate and wow, you are lucky to have a window. Those things are not important. Rather a quiet and team spirit work space is what I want. Then the sparrows began to gather in the afternoons reminding me that God cares for me. * pears * Dad has one pear tree that gave a ton of fruit this year. I have been making pear sauce and pear butter. Love it because this is something I can eat. * God's Word * I have fallen more in love with His Word. Whenever I am struggling or even in good times, there is such comfort in His Words. * the boys * The fury boys! My PUPINATORS! Tink has joined Bobby and Andy and even though he is the one boy out, it has been successful for him to be at home with my parents and the boys. Tink knows he is loved and even with his barking when someone leaves, he is a joy. * Friday shopping w/ my Mom * I cherish these times with my Mom. I could not do without. She is a great Mom and a great friend. * my parents * I love them both and this year I have seen my Dad blossom with enjoying what he has done. This turns into respect for guys and it has been great fun to see it in him. Dad has gone Fireproof with Mom and I. I totally dig it. We might even go see Australia w/ Dad in tow. I love spending time with them both. * my bros & their fams * I am an Aunt thanks to my bros. It is fun to see them as fathers and it is cool to see myself/ family traits in their children. I love it when my bros talk about God. It is encouragement to know they are on a God-Journey. * my job * Even though this job is about numbers and I am about words, I have used my patterns and organization to really take on my job. There are changes that are suggested to come to past. Not happy that my hard work to make my job fast and efficient will be overlooked - I made my job easier once and I can do it again. I am trying to take what I have learned from making my job work for me and translate it to my creative home and dream job. * God * He has proven Himself over and over again. I am precious (Isa 43) to Him. Love that...

Ps 147:1
Praise the Lord!
For it is good to sing praises to our God;
for it is pleasant,
and praise is beautiful.

2 bros ...

I learned a good thing about one bro and a worrisome thing about the other. We had a birthday celebration going on last Sunday and while the others where in the back with the grandchildren, I started a conversation with little bro. I am so hungry for depth and meaningful conversation and in the past little bro has been a good ally. Not so much these days as his life has taken off in other directions and there is no need for a big sis butting into his biz. The conversation did get a bit heated because it got into politics and he was all up in this book by John Grisham and CONSPIRACY THEORIES. He probably thinks I am heated over the fact that he didn't vote but I can't do anything about that. What really makes me livid is that he let some CONSPIRACY THEORY effect his decision or lack of decision making skills. I spent the last 8 years in prayer and turmoil over negative media reports to know that if I give into that negative depressive mostly wrong garbage that I have let the enemy in. I have the control to shut out this trash. I have been on this kick this year that God has never ever stated in His Love Letter to us that we should be depressed, discouraged, deflated, indecisive, afraid, or timid. Instead He has repeated over and over in word and story that we are NOT to be afraid but to be encouraged or of good courage or not to be afraid. Sunday night listening to Joyce Meyer, I got the verse to top this line of thought. II Timothy 1:7 states ''for God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power, love, and SOUND MIND.'' WooooWeeeee, I spent the next two days on my little soap box a shouting!!! Just need some amens... I wanted to restart this discussion with little bro. He made mention that he had asked for direction from God and didn't get it. This is worrisome because what was he listening for? Did he want his gut pacified? And where was he listening for God? Did he read the Bible until he found the encouragement he needed?

Middle bro walked into the conversation and little bro had left the room. Middle bro began to share that his preacher was talking about the power of prayer and the need for it to surround the President. I told bro that GWB probably had the biggest prayer support than any other president. Bro said yes, but when the war and all the negative media began, the prayer warriors got fickle and stopped and so did the help surrounding GWB. We don't pay attention to the powers of darkness because our eyes are veiled. Wait till we get to Heaven and God shows us the prayer (light) and the powers of darkness. We will be filled with shame and sadness that we where not stronger. God wants us to pray and He uses our prayer to destroy the evil. We have more 'prayerpower' then we know.

I was disappointed and standing on a soap box for one bro while the other bro encouraged me by his disclosure about prayer. He says he prays on his way to work every day and that he was convicted to change his praying from his want list to prayers that effect his world.

Q's
How much time do you spend praying? Isn't our relationship with God a relationship? Doesn't a relationship require two people talking? Doesn't prayer mean our talking to God? Doesn't reading the Bible mean it is God talking to us? Does your prayer time out weigh your Bible reading? At the very least shouldn't your Bible reading equal time with your prayer? Are you listening for God to speak to you? Shouldn't you be listening to God's voice via the WORD?

Are You not ...?

I always love a good outline for a letter. Letters are important way to communicate. You are alone with your thoughts and you are forming thought into words and trying to reach out. Prayer is like letter. Ravi pointed out that Johoshaphat's prayer took on a form and questioned what we would put into our letter/prayer to God.

~II Chronicles 20:1-30 for your own read~

Dear God,
Are You not _____________?
Did You not _____________?
Will You not _____________?
from me.

I love having something to chew on and this really makes you think and seek out God in His Word. It makes you look at the Great Stories of Promise and Blessing and pull them into your life. It is 'talking back' the Word. It is putting your faith on the line and then seeing God work His way in your life.

love's experience ...

There she is going through the motions of her day with old cds playing in the background of love found and love lost. Questions start piling up. Do boys really fall in love where they can't live without their girl? Do boys get messed up over love lost? She watches a tv show only for the relationship of the boy and the girl who are married. They have such a lovely relationship. This week showed more intensely the boy's side of love. Tears where streaming down the girl's face as she watched the pain the boy was going through and how he didn't want to leave his girl. Can boys really feel this way? Then there are those love lost songs that boys sing. Her favorite singers are boys. She loves the male voice. And when they belt out a song that is ripping their hearts out over some girl, she wonders if this is really true for them to feel this way. Guys write this stuff, don't they? They sing it and if they are convincing wouldn't they feel it deeply? Can boys really feel this way?

Sadly, this girl's heart has been broken a long bit ago and clearly hasn't found a way to believe again. She is angered by this yet she can't let go of what was. There was no reason, no closure, no understanding. Over and over again she has asked for Ultimate Wisdom and still feels the need to hold on ... for a return or for closure.

She has a lot of good memories and none bad except the vanishing. She can't enjoy the good memories but rejection hurts so badly. Funny thing is that she holds on the experience because it is her way of relating to connection and marriage in her way. She feels that longing and desire and the only way for her to have and to hold is to use this a little bit of experience and live it. She isn't living in the past but using the experience to relate to her now. What would she do in this situation? See, she is empathic - always living in other's shoes. She is a feeler. Having this experience of once upon a time, she lives singles and married of sorts. It is that caring for a man bit that she harbors. If a boy won't let her, she will still do it...

So maybe that is why closure hasn't come to her and maybe in her little heart of hers, closure would be shutting the door leaving her to fend for herself in the single world again where she really feels like a fish without a bowl.

{sighs}

stuffed cabbage ...

Feeling under the weather and not liking it a bit, I am trying anything natural to get over this. I so do not want to make a trip into the doc for this. It would be the second time this year if I do. What really makes me mad is that I don't get sick very often and this blows my very good record. I swear it is the bosses at work that get this powerful bug and pass it along to me.

My colds effect my throat because for some reason it goes down the back of my mouth instead of draining through the nose. However, it both ways this time. I lost my voice in May and I am well on my this time. I went into the ugly cough today. It is a cough that I can't stop and then it goes into the upchucking mode. It isn't good when I go to church with this. Last May I am trying to stifle the cough and I pulled a muscle on my right side and it is still there because it gets uncomfortable to lay on that side. Oh well!

I heard Bonnie Hunt say something about onions or onion soup - I think it was her and I think it was onions! It is suppose to help with the cold. Well, I have dumped a ton of them on my food tonight. I do feel much better than last night.

I got home early today and decided to make stuffed cabbage since I can't have stuffed peppers. It took a bit of time to make them but they are in the crock pot for tomorrow. I hope they turn out well. I did add pear to the meat mixture and barley instead of the forbidden rice. Martha said to use a granny smith apple but I have pears and more pears so what would be the difference? It just adds a bit of sweetness to it.

I am trying to take care of me! I want to feel better this weekend because I have pears and washing to do among other things like writing!

like protecting...

The Protector

You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.
Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.
You are an excellent listener with almost infinite patience.
You have complex feelings, and you take great care to express them.

In love, you see relationships as an opportunity to connect and grow.
You enjoy relationships when they are improving and changing. You can't stand stagnation.

At work, you stay motivated and happy... as long as you are working toward a dream you support.
You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

How you see yourself: Hardworking, ethical, and helpful

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Manipulative, weak, and unstable

Hmm, interesting. I see this as true about me but the shocker is the last statement! I could see people having the notion that I might be stuck up so I have resorted to telling them that I am thinking when I am quiet and the eyes take on an intensity that looks like anger but is only way deep in thought. Manipulative? I go my own way and think my own thoughts so much so that stubborn is more descriptive. Unstable? Wow! I have begin to say that I need time to think but unstable? I am emotional and a feeler. So maybe then but I am pretty much set in my thoughts even though I might weigh other thoughts.... oops, maybe that is showing instability! lol

Pretty interesting test!

family taboo ...

I have been having some debate with myself about my personality and what I should do about this alone existence that I seem to have but I am finding that it runs in the family. It is just me though that has to deal with it alone while other members of my family have mates and families of their own.

Going to the funeral of my Dad's cousin helped shed some light onto this sentry-on-the-out-skirts of type of feeling my mother and I have voiced aloud to each other. My Dad and his cousin have some Kenny Roger looks so you know they are related but our families never got together unless it is a funeral. I remember my mother telling me when I was going to junior high that I would be meeting a girl my age with the same last name as mine. (My last name is uniquely spelled and not common.). Mom said there was some taboo in the family and that our families didn't get together to do things. She never said that I couldn't be friends either. However, this girl ran a bit hard and was in the popular group. I was always aware of her but she never seemed to be aware of me until standing beside each other in line practicing our graduation walk where she remarked that it was funny that we didn't meet until then. A year latter I got an obituary of her death from my mom while I was at college. She was an only child and when I got back home to see her grave site, you could tell her parents where not taking it well. I have always felt bad around them that she was gone while I was still here. In recent years as my grandpa, grandma, and grandpa's brothers including my Dad's cousin's father died, the mom would always make feel ok though we never spoke about her girl.

Mom called and told me that Dad's cousin had died of stomach cancer on Tuesday. I knew I needed to go. Mom warned me that she felt left out at the visitation. When we went to the funeral, it felt weird to hear about the cousin's faith. The burial was super short and even though we were invited back for the meal, Dad asked Mom if it was right to skip it! I was very surprised at his struggle to go or not. We didn't go and I ventured to ask questions about the past. Dad opened up and explained why there has been so much taboo.

Back when my grandparents were first married, my grandpa had to serve in WWII even though he was a conscientious objector. He worked for the government in the states so while he was away, his brother which would be the cousin's father would tell my grandma what to do and would write letters to my grandpa telling of her misdeeds. While Dad is telling us this, I am thinking that my grandma was very stubborn that I am surprised that she didn't tell him off but our family does not speak out loud much rather they keep it in and deal with in more quiet ways. Anyways Dad said because of this, it was like Dad's family was ostracized from the rest. He remembers his grandfather always talking about the other grandsons but his grandfather never took any interest in him. He does remember going to his grandparents for Easter because he could remember his grandmother making lamb cookies with raisin eyes but never ever went to his grandparents for his birthday. My Dad remembers that his dad would go to see his mom but my grandma would not go. Just thinking about this makes me livid and sad.

Wow, no wonder why my family feels so isolated. We just don't fit in with the games people play. We can't win so why deal with it? If you like us and want to be a friend, we have open arms but we won't demand friendship or loyalty. We want to feel safe just like the rest. We want to contribute just like the rest. We want to be valued just like the rest. We want a little attention just like the rest - well, maybe a smidge less but a bit all the same. We are friendly just not game players. We are quiet and more one on one and we do feel a bit out of water when in loud and group situations. We definitely do not bite.

So if I get to see the wife of the cousin out and about alone, I will do just like she said and go up to her and say that I appreciated her and her husband that they were so very tight together and it hard to find marriages these days that stick together... I have worried about how she would handle his going home and I continue to worry. At the very least I have prayer. I will continue to be the sentry - keeper of moments and to bear witness...

Godly meditation vs earthly meditation

Again on the radio (bnn), a contrast was given on meditation. It was clear and precise. Now I won't be timid in my admitting to meditation! So here it goes:

earthly meditation = emptying the mind.

Godly Meditation = filling the mind.

Need proof?
What to fill the mind with?

Jos 1:8
This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.

Ps 1:2
But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.

Ps 63:6
When I remember Thee upon my bed, and meditate on Thee in the night watches.

Ps 77:12
I will meditate also of all Thy work, and talk of Thy doings.

Ps 119:15
I will meditate in Thy precepts, and have respect unto Thy ways.

Ps 143:5
I remember the days of old; I meditate on all Thy works; I muse on the work of Thy hands.

Fireproof

Finally, I am going to jot down a few notes about this movie which I would rate a 10. However, when it first started I was a little worried about the acting. It might come off as an act and not real but that soon disappeared as the movie began to take you in. I must say it was well written. There was moments of sitting on the edge of your seat. I could have done without the yelling but it was needed and real in most marriages but there was some comic relief. I totally dug the salt and pepper theme. *wink* Sorry, not telling you any more about salt and pepper. Go see and find out. Oh, there where some twists and turns where you were thinking one thing and the movie took a turn like the who paid for the equipment and who actually did the love dare on who! Love that!

I love reading and I love movies. Being an English major, I like themes or motifs because it connects the movie or book together making it flow well and it can take us English nuts deeper. The movie did it and it was flowed well.

I appreciated how this was written because this isn't just a movie for Christians but a movie for the world. I have been saying that marriage is the last frontier - a place to bear witness to Jesus Christ making a difference in your life that the outside world might just start asking you how you do it.

A little side note:
I get so mad at the 'world' for wanting to marry same sex partners. I think why do they even want this concept especially because it was created by God. They are already slapping God in the face so why even want marriage. I probably lost you here but I know what I mean just having trouble putting in words.. Then I was listening to this radio guy who said that God didn't create marriage for the believers but for mankind! He gave the example that John the Baptist lost his head because accused the king of misusing marriage. I was taken aback a bit. I had not thought it like that. It kind of messes up my thoughts. But I guess defiling marriage is just one more way of defiling God and the beauty He created.

Back to the movie-
The one chew toy I took with me was that the heart is easily deceived and that you must lead the heart. Isn't it a Bible verse? But seeing it, hit home with me.

My favorite character was Cameron's father! I think it was the soothing voice and the weathered christian who had been there and done that. He was someone who had this quiet strength...

A funny thing my mother commented on was it was interesting to see Kirk grown up! I said Mom, he is about my age! I didn't think he aged any. He looks like Kirk - not a kid but a young guy. Some middle aged peeps look their age and some of us don't! Oh dear!

Anyways, excellent movie and there is the 'Love Dare' book out there if you want to spice up the marriage God's way...

my HOPE ...

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

Refrain

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

Refrain

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

Refrain

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

Refrain

Isaiah 51:12
I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you to be afraid of mortal man?

Jer 17:5-8
This is what the Lord says: Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands, he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where there no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out roots by the stream. It does not fear when the heat comes, its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.

Ps 105:4-5
Look to the Lord and His Strength;
Seek His Face always.
Remember the Wonders He has done,
His Miracles and the judgements He pronounced,

1 Peter 3:13-16
Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. 'Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened.' But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the HOPE that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.

reading vs praying

In my growing faith I find that reading the Bible has given me more peace and strength than praying has ever done. Even talking back the Word against oppression and depression or whatever the evil one starts chucking my way has given me a quiet courage that praying never could do for me. Now don't start wagging the finger at me just yet. Prayer is very important but the question to why prayer might not be bringing me to the peace and joy is key to understanding what is wrong and making changes.

My prayers especially at night bring me to tears and I am so tired of crying. It is the requests that I am bringing and probably my personality isn't helping matters. When I am doing what I think is right but the results are showing that I am wrong, I crumble. I am one of those types that no response is a negative response and negative responses defeat me where a good word or affirmation will make me bend over backwards to do more and to be better. My personality trait is highly melancholy and even though I have had a JOY breakthrough, it is hard work to keep going. I must say though that tenacity that runs deep in me and tends to out weigh melancholy's hold on me. Nevertheless, I am so tired of crying.

I have started to change the way I pray and I hope to make it a very deep habit. I have prayed the Word. When I have one of those no responses that come in the form of people not sharing, I use whatever passage I am chewing on and pray that for the person. When I have one of those no responses that come in the form of a God-Mystery where I know He is never silent but rather I can't see or hear because of the veil, I search out solace from the Word and then in turn pray it. I think this is the key to praying.

I still have a long way to turning to this kind of praying first instead of crying pray. Again, God never calls us to be discouraged or afraid! He has repeatedly said to NOT BE AFRAID and to BE OF GOOD COURAGE. His Word is full of pictures and stories of how to live this day and age out with our heads held high. "My eyes are ever on the Lord, for He shall pluck my feet out of the net.'' Ps 25:15

election consolation ...

More notes I jotted down from Steven Davies:

1. Be a good citizen.
2. The church can still thrive under bad or evil government. ie: Church in China
3. The church can still influence the world under limited to no freedoms.
4. We are not commanded to change immoral behavior but to shine.
ie: A lighthouse never calmed a storm!

I find great comfort in these words but especially about the concept of the lighthouse. It totally floored me but with it came peace and comfort. There are also two passages that I have discovered tonight in my search for God in all of this. Try I Timothy 2 and Romans 13 on for size. I found it a bit uncomfortable because there is a certain government official in my home state that has been really a burr in my side. I am not thankful for him and when I tried to pray I really had to keep focus... I a lot of work to do to be a better prayer warrior.

war in Iraq, ok?

Hmmmm, check this out! the right thing to do?

Be very leery of the media and the agendas they are pushing! They are as bad and maybe worst than hollywood!

redeem vs reform ...

I have been listening to Steven Davies and he is talking about our allegiance. Here is my notes:

1. Believers are not suppose to reform government but to redeem it.
2. Our hope is in the city of God not the city of man.
3. God's Purpose = be ambassadors of God.
4. We are not to save America but Americans.
5. ''I will build my church and the gates of hell cannot prevail against her.''
6. Glorify God & advance the Gospel of Christ.

We do have the liberties to vote, pay taxes, & to take the census.

I do love my country for what the founding fathers have given to us and strived to achieve. America was created to as a safe haven for worship of the One True God as well as allowing others to choose their choices and to self govern. It saddens me as I see the decline and my heart has been lead of God to have a strong allegiance to the Kingdom than here. It doesn't mean that I will give up on America.

I really like the word 'redeem'. One verse that brings me great comfort is 'Redeem the time for the end is near.' Now to the meaning of redeem, I always ask myself or question God for the meaning. So here is what I got - redeem is basically putting good out there. Take the fruit of the Spirit as a great place to start we all need more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

A personal way for me to redeem is to encourage. There is way too many negative words and especially in the season negative ads. 'Scoffers have set the city aflame, but wise men turn away wrath.' Proverbs 29:8 As I wrote this haunting verse down, I was making it singular in my mind but it is plural! I will be doing my bit on encouraging (got to get my 'be encouraged' letter to GWB written) but will you? Is there someone in the Family that is oppressed and needs a pleasant word? What about the others without the Peace we know? Is our actions showing them that we are restless and lacking courage? Are we in the Word and feasting on God's Promises? I know that when I am 'talking back the Word', I feel much better. When I forget and get overwhelmed, I am not redeeming.

Redeeming is expressing our allegiance to the God we serve and the Kingdom.

end times ...

I had a conversation today where she said felt like the 'end times' where upon us. I mentioned too was feeling it and that I was reading Daniel with Swindoll and that I was trying to read Revelations. I was very moved by the conversation so much so that I was shaking! When that feeling comes on, it means you touched something really deep and possibly divine. She was able to walk into the boss's office and pray with him before he had to let everyone know about the 8% pay cut. Another thing that really moved me was I keep referring to the Word by partially quoting the promises given by God. She said she got to start memorizing! I told her I don't have it memorized but I attempt by going over and over the Word and then talking back the promises to whatever is offending me. It just moved me so much that I started crying and shaking as I prayed to God on my way home tonight. God has given us sooooo much in the Word that when tough times come that we sin by becoming depressed by it all. Never in the Word does He say to be discouraged but rather be of Good Courage or do NOT be afraid!!!

Well, I am just eating up Swindoll's teaching on Daniel. The following are not my words. I need to put it down in writing so as not to forget. Hmm, more like being encouraged.

1. Democracy will and is declining.
OOO, tough one to swallow! But as I look inward and the battle of the people doing it or being taken care by the government is really hard core. The freedom of people doing it there own is in decline and even being traded in for dependence on government. In defense for America there are other little one rule 'kingdoms' and democracy 'kingdoms' fighting over which is better. We are all just setting up the way for global one leader rule.

2. People will WANT ONE leader rule. The anti-christ will NOT need to use force.
Hard times are here. We will never be rid of terrorists. Once all the salt and light are called home, major chaos! There will be one waiting in the wings ready to take Christ's place - to fill the void!

3. Anti-christ will be winsome and appealing. He is not the opposite of Christ but 'instead' of Christ.
I had never thought of that! It makes a lot of sense. Hmm, this anti-christ is going to be the ultimate wolf in sheep's clothing. The sheep's clothing is going to be so good and will fool every one except those that come to Christ after the Call up Yonder.

4. Anti-christ will be superb in all areas needed to be a genius leader.
He will be able to speak better than the best speaker. He will have all the wisdom of King Soloman. Swindoll had a big list but what I took away from this is that any leader or leadership qualities out there this anti-christ will have. Swindoll also said this anti-christ won't be revealed until after Christ has taken up His believers. So any so called anti-christ isn't here yet. I take comfort in that. I even have gone as far as saying aloud who isn't anti-christ. ie: Martha Steward can't be the anti-christ even because even though the anti-christ may be will organized this anti-christ won't be ____. I then fill in the blank with something that isn't winsome about the chosen 'leader'. Oprah, Donald Trump, etc - pick a leader and try it out.

5. Anti-christ will be a gentile not a jew.


I found Swindoll's words encouraging and I am finding that the end times isn't as scary as I once thought. I remind myself that there is a blessing at the beginning of Revelations for those who read and KEEP what is written. The last chapter of Revelation is God saying I am not kidding...

global bail out plan ...

I miss an old friend that I had once upon a time. During our conversations I gave him an observation: 'I love God's creation of marriage because it pictures what God is and His Ultimate love plan for us. You love the end times stuff and Revelation because you feel God's love plan most in His Return.' He said, 'True'. He has made a choice to move on and leave me in the dust but I have started getting into Daniel and Revelation and would love to talk to him again...

Radio speakers are touching on the end times stuff so I have been digging into to Revelation and Swindoll is in Daniel. Several years ago I stumbled onto end time stuff in Luke 21 and took comfort in Luke 21:33 ''Heaven & earth will pass away but My Words will never pass away.'' It brought much comfort because my love language is WORDS. (bet you couldn't tell!) That was that. Now I am beginning to open up to it...

First in Revelation there is a blessing for all who read Revelations! ''Blessed is he who reads and those who hear the words of this prophecy, and keeps those things which are written in it, for the time is near.'' Rev 1:3 I sure what to be blessed instead of cowering or avoiding. I have stayed away from Revelations probably because as a child there was a whole series of end times movies that scared me and as being a big sis my bro didn't take the movies very well and they made him question his salvation. It was just to much for me to take in and understand. I tend to stand in what I know best and that is that I am going to Heaven because I choose the The Way which is narrow. I also stayed away from Revelations I say because I am a girl and Revelations is so unsafe and I do not and will not get into discussions over what Revelations means because I do not confrontation. If you know the way, then that is final.

Second piece of comfort comes from Daniel 7:15, ''I, Daniel, was troubled in spirit, and the visions that passed through my mind disturbed me.'' I was thinking why should he be troubled because this vision was of things to come and he personally wasn't in them or he personally was not condemned and it has the Ancient of Days setting up His Kingdom by tearing down the earthly and Godless governments. But it speaks of his love for the people he worked for and for the hardships to come. So my feelings of terror finds common ground in Daniel and it isn't a girl thing.

For the third bit, take note that Daniel was in government and politics - I find it very interesting that God choose Daniel to deliver the message that all governments no matter how great or good they might be will fall before the Kingdom! In these days of global unrest I definitely find that a comfort. This old friend of my came is from the land down under and at times I felt stress from our conversation. I seemed to feel that he thought that America thought it was a superpower. I never had that notion and it would make me upset. I do not believe America is a superpower. I think and hope that we are a good influence but anyways onto the real point. Go back to Nebuchadnezzar's dream of the large statue in Daniel 2. Before noticing that my study Bible had the kingdoms listed out according to the gold, silver, bronze, iron, I saw the feet of iron and clay or the 10 kingdoms as the what is actually going on today! What is present now is all these little kingdoms trying to get along with each and hating each other all the same. Iron and clay meaning partly strong and brittle - 'so the people will be a mixture and will not remain united, any more than iron mixes with clay.' Dan 2:43. What follows is that rock that knocks the statue down. This ROCK is the Kingdom of God. For me that finally, it is done and over with! My God reigns! See, America isn't a superpower. It is all the nations of the world that will fall...

.:note!:. As I left these words to rest a bit and went to read the Daniel visions again, I don't know for sure if my notion is true so don't debate me on this. Daniel isn't written in chronological order and Revelations isn't written in complete sentences. Revelations is written in bursts like John was trying to write down everything as not to forget. If I would read prophecy like I knew the answer, it would be wrong of me. The more you read the more you begin to question when this or that is going to happen when and where. That is God's way of saying to us that isn't important. So what is important? What is important is that all these power hungry miserable earthly governments can not stand against the Rock - the Kingdom that is to come. God established the Kingdom by sending His Son and He has been welcoming and waiting through the centuries for those who choose to become citizens of Heaven.

So my final point comes back to Revelations - No, I haven't finished my study and it make take me a while so there may be more to say or not and I just might get confused. But as Psalm 18 is my damsel in distress psalm where my white knight comes and rescues me from my daily pain and anguish, Revelations isn't just the revealing of Jesus Christ but it is God's global BAIL OUT or rescue plan! He is the Almighty One who will rescue all of us if we choose. It is for the mainstream ... ''Let him who thirsts COME. Whoever desires, let him take the Water of Life freely.'' Revelations 22:17

AMEN!

the sparrow promise ...

I just can't seem to get going on much today. I really should accomplish so much since weekends I can spend as I so feel like doing with work at a distance. But I find myself zoned out and going slow.

So hmm about work... if you have been reading my twitter tweets, you know something is up at work. Heard the company crack for the first time Thursday as we are repo-ing boats and dealers are requesting us not to send them boats. Being the one who is paying the bills and being overloaded with work, I have been wondering at our death defying speed. I have been sending God many a s.o.s with a ps. not to slow down the workload by leaving company and me without jobs. I have had a notion that if God takes the job that I have been there before and if need be I can do it again. But I think that sounds very arrogant because I now it will be hard. With company wide cut on wages, one wonders if it will work and what things need to be in order to hunker down for a while - kind of like hibernating for the winter.

I also have two things on my list to do before that should happen and it is the two bookcases and iWorks. I want to be able to have word processing part for my iMac since I broke Appleworks and can't get it back. I need to get serious about writing! I am hoping that iWorks will get me organized and creative. The bookcases are for a bit of what I call 'home makeover'. A couple of months ago I got a bookcase for a spot that was dead space. I had been wanting to do it for a long time but I didn't know if it would work with my home being a very small space. It worked better than I thought! Now I am ready to get two more 3 shelf bookcases is to go in the other place where I have 2 two shelf bookcases. Then I will move the 2 two shelf bookcases to another corner of my living room. I have a dream of being very orderly and organized. So what should a modern day library living space look like? I got the idea from Ikea. The living rooms were lined with walls of bookcases! So with that notion I then made a list of what my library will contain. The list is books of course but I add music, movies, craft books, school books, games, and photo albums. My hope is to clean up my space and to be able to see what I have and to better use what I have.

I cannot get mad at George W nor can I get mad at the economy. It is the people's fault. We all were riding high. There always have to be a balance. If we cannot keep the balance then God will provide the balance. I am not worried about the money. I have been very safe with the money. No, I don't have a home and it is a dream, but I am glad that I don't have that worry. I am frustrated and have been under too much pressure at work and all the changes. Sure I have the office with the window but I have to share it. I have a new boss who I am concerned that she will make unnecessary changes when I have worked hard at making this job as tight and as fast as I can because math isn't my strong suite I know what to do to keep me successful and able to handle the job. I don't want someone to come in and upset the boat trailer. Plus, I don't like someone telling me what to do. So when she voiced a change, I decided to make the move first. I worked it and then told her when she voiced the change she wanted to make that I would do it but it would be different. I told her I already did it this week and what changes I would need to make to make successful for me. But I am still leery because she probably still want to observe. They did things quite different at the other place...

Through it all that window has been perfect at reminding me that God has me in the palm of His Almighty Hand. Sparrows come to my window and my eyes take in their actions. I smile and remember that God cares for these small ordinary birds and aren't of more value than these?

my needs ...

I need a companionship with another. I like the dynamics of two. It is much easier to feel like a team. Forget groups. The bigger the mass the more I blend in with the walls.

I need approval and praise in what I sweat hard at like my dreams and passion and any kind of work I do. I feed off this kind of energy and end up bend over backwards to give more and be better. When days go by with no appreciation coming my way, it is very easy to give up. I said days when in many areas of my life it has been years of drought.

I need people to be patient with my speech. My mind goes faster then the connection between my head and mouth or my brain goes into picture mode and I find it difficult to speak in picture when I need to draw out visuals. Try giving map directions over the phone. I bet it is hilarious to watch me!

I need to be allowed to be deep. I do over think but there is a lot of creative process going on. I never thought I was smart until recently when someone said I was! I was shocked. My grades never proved it. I do need to learn to have fun with my depth. I really need to have a companion who will allow me to learn the art of conversation and I hate to say this but a safe confrontation. I seriously don't know how to do it and come out of it still intact. Usually I am broken and beaten up. I hate competition and I need a feeling of true teamwork.

I need balance and I find that I really need to have my creative side blossom so that I can handle the mundane and ordinary days. I need a zing of excitement or learning because if I get to bored, I can become quite grouchy and nasty.

I wonder how God's list of my needs compare to my list...
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Stroke of Insight ...

I was listening to Jill Bolte Taylor, a brain doc, describe her experience of a stroke and I was hooked the minute she explained the going ons of her brain! When you ask me what my favorite body part in general, it would be the brain! I love how I learn and how you learn. I am a big believer on doing your passions and dreams. I know without a doubt that our strength can be found in the passions and dreams we harbor in our little red hearts. What do you get excited about? Yup, you will answer with your passions and dreams. So that is why I am so intrigued by the brain. Plus, it doesn't help that I live too deeply within my own!

Back to Dr. Jill and her stroke ...
What fascinated me the most was when she told about how the stroke was shutting down the left side of her brain where all the math and language was located. It took her four hours to get help and she told each long and drawn out detail of how her brain was attempting to perceive the world. Then after she made it the hospital, she took you through what her right brain was picking up and it was ENERGY people where giving off around her. She wanted the good energy because she knew it was safe and that even if she couldn't understand their language, she still knew that good energy/tones meant they cared about her. The other huge insight for me was that because of the energy she was picking up, she had a choice. She could come out or she could retreat to the inside where she was experience bliss. Because her left brain was in a puddle of blood and out of the loop, no agenda's or outside world things were pressing in on her. The to-do list was no longer functioning. She could just be happy in this state of being. Wow! This really has got me thinking... so when dealing with elevated anxiety within, can I shut down the left brain to-do and must do lists? Can I begin to focus on just being in the moment? Well, as I deal with a very stressful time at work these days, I found myself trying to relax my frazzled self as I am trying to get this huge work load passed through to payment. I slowed down making sure to focus on getting my fingers into a rhythm instead of speed. I know it effects the accuracy and that is more important key to to save precious time. There is something here that I must keep!

(Dr. Jill also said of her stroke as a wound and that she wasn't stupid. Hmm! I like this! I couldn't help but think of traumatic brain injuries!)

Dr. Jill wrote a book that I must find and read. --> ''The Stroke of Insight''
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unfriendly world ...

I never have found the world a friendly place. So when it was said to take the world as friendly, my history prevents it. I understand the no exceptions because often I feel on the outskirts and being friendly with no exceptions speak of harboring love just like God has asked His children to do.

So what is it about my history that makes me timid and protective? I have always felt like an oddity. I couldn't make friends as a child so I found solace in my bike and my books. I have always hoped to find the world friendly and reading 'Anne of Green Gables' fed my hopes that oddities could have companionship. As friends came, they seem to go. Some I understand and but most I don't.

After many reflections on relationship interactions and failures, I find that maybe I am really messed up - like I need to change everything about me. I think as I hit my middle years, I have developed many layers of protection - actually I just don't deal. I am a shy little girl and have not found a safe place to exhale without quaking inside or without being forced to implode all over myself or without splattering over others. It is like playing my favorite childhood of concentration where you match up pairs but this pair has no match. I am not talking male match rather just that inner core matches. They say those are hard to come by but is it true that some people have no matches? How can this be true? God has designed the whole world on relationships...

I tried to change shy and in my twenties realized that I cannot change my personality. Yet as the years go by the more this shy has taken root within my inner being. From being born timid with a strong dose of stubborn to being buck tooth beaver to being a wall flower at high school (or so I thought) to making some small steps in college to living on my own to 36 food allergies to well on my way to being an old maid - isolation seems like it is closing in even though I have tried to reach out. Every time my hand gets slapped, the more I keep my hands and every other part of me tucked in so not to encourage more battering on my sensitive heart.

There are good things about personalities so aren't you suppose to accentuate the good bits? I keep trying but here I am at my wits end to dealing with silent walls and this quaking aching heart of mine. I am soooo tired. Tired of wailing with fists clinched at God when I should just shut up and go to bed ... Tired of failing God .. Tired of wondering how the dots will connect ... Tired of trying fix myself ... Tired of dead ends... yet as tired as I say I am, I keep renewing my mind and heart with God's Word. It is NOT about me being tired but rather if I am open enough for God to keep working His Mysterious Ways within me. It is NOT about me fixing myself but about God being able to mold me His Way. God never tires or gets weary about my failings. He is ever Constant and His Love never fails me...

Here is to a shy girl taking on a 'friendly' world...
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