unfriendly world ...

I never have found the world a friendly place. So when it was said to take the world as friendly, my history prevents it. I understand the no exceptions because often I feel on the outskirts and being friendly with no exceptions speak of harboring love just like God has asked His children to do.

So what is it about my history that makes me timid and protective? I have always felt like an oddity. I couldn't make friends as a child so I found solace in my bike and my books. I have always hoped to find the world friendly and reading 'Anne of Green Gables' fed my hopes that oddities could have companionship. As friends came, they seem to go. Some I understand and but most I don't.

After many reflections on relationship interactions and failures, I find that maybe I am really messed up - like I need to change everything about me. I think as I hit my middle years, I have developed many layers of protection - actually I just don't deal. I am a shy little girl and have not found a safe place to exhale without quaking inside or without being forced to implode all over myself or without splattering over others. It is like playing my favorite childhood of concentration where you match up pairs but this pair has no match. I am not talking male match rather just that inner core matches. They say those are hard to come by but is it true that some people have no matches? How can this be true? God has designed the whole world on relationships...

I tried to change shy and in my twenties realized that I cannot change my personality. Yet as the years go by the more this shy has taken root within my inner being. From being born timid with a strong dose of stubborn to being buck tooth beaver to being a wall flower at high school (or so I thought) to making some small steps in college to living on my own to 36 food allergies to well on my way to being an old maid - isolation seems like it is closing in even though I have tried to reach out. Every time my hand gets slapped, the more I keep my hands and every other part of me tucked in so not to encourage more battering on my sensitive heart.

There are good things about personalities so aren't you suppose to accentuate the good bits? I keep trying but here I am at my wits end to dealing with silent walls and this quaking aching heart of mine. I am soooo tired. Tired of wailing with fists clinched at God when I should just shut up and go to bed ... Tired of failing God .. Tired of wondering how the dots will connect ... Tired of trying fix myself ... Tired of dead ends... yet as tired as I say I am, I keep renewing my mind and heart with God's Word. It is NOT about me being tired but rather if I am open enough for God to keep working His Mysterious Ways within me. It is NOT about me fixing myself but about God being able to mold me His Way. God never tires or gets weary about my failings. He is ever Constant and His Love never fails me...

Here is to a shy girl taking on a 'friendly' world...
*