“When did you get bikes? She knew they were thinking about getting them for some recreation use.
“We used the ones in the garage (parent’s garage),” he said.
She thought a minute. “Did you take my bike?” She had been wanting to use her bike and even been trying to figure out how she could store it at her place.
“Yes, I took your bike. Its just sitting in there rusting.” Ooo, that really bites she thought.
She looked away and barely before she could process any thoughts one way or the other, he raised his voice to an intolerable screech. “Don’t get your angry face on.”
“I didn’t even say a word. You are the one all angry. My face is thinking. Don’t tell me what I am doing when I haven’t done a thing.” She let it drop because his wife was there and she didn’t need to see another outburst.
When the she got so alone time with her mother, she got more of the scoop. “It was a spur of the moment thing and he asked me if it was alright to take your bike. I said go ahead but make sure you tell her.”
“Mom, he had two chances to make it right. First, he could have asked before he took the bike and second, he had another chance to tell me that he took the bike and for what reason. We could have had a nice civil dialogue and most likely I would have been fine with it. Talk about respect. He messed up the third time by get all angry when I asked a simple question. It was like he was trying to quickly pull a fast one to make me look like the bad one.”
“I’m sorry I should not have let him have the bike,” mom said.
“You don’t need to be sorry. He is the one that was disrespectful and he should be the one to say sorry.”
Not having a chance to fix things up between herself and her brother. She sent off an email. He wasn’t paying attention and he seemed to have cared less for what was simply a matter of respect. She knew what words to use to get his attention. Boy, oh boy!!! What she didn’t realize!!
‘Bro, the twin ten years apart is broken. (blah blah blah) It is respect that I am most livid about. (blah blah blah) You just don’t take something without asking. (then she got into his anger) You are always so angry. You are always complaining about your dog or this or that. I don’t like to be near that. (blah blah blah) Don’t yell at me before I even have said a word.’
No response until a week later in a letter. Yup, she knew the words to break his heart, but she could tell that he still wasn’t listening. For some reason the issue of respect also turned into her not allowing him to be an adult.
“According to so&so personality test, I have heated discussions that often others see as anger. You need to let me be an adult. You have no idea what I am going through. Besides I took care of your bike. I cleaned it and put air in the tires. The one tire isn’t keeping its air. Don’t worry I am bringing it back.”
Where in the world did he get that she wasn’t allowing him to be an adult and that she wasn’t being a cheerleader for him? She had wanted to him to see that taking without asking is a matter of respect and that he really had no right to get all angry about it when he was the one who did it. How did he get off pushing the wrong on her? Anger is ok because it is your personality? Funny, that he can take care of the bike but he can’t even make sure he cared enough to respect the sister. There is no way she could be a cheerleader for anger…
In a later conversation with her mother the respect issue came up again. “Mom, I would never dream of taking something without asking first.”
“Stuff is taken without asking all the time. The boys are always taking the tools…”
“Mom, I ask before I take the cherry pitter. I am sure you thought us to that it is respectful to ask.”
“I know you ask. But this is family. You share.”
“Without asking?”
“Well, yes … “
This story really shocked me. The core issue for me is respect. I know there are two sides to this and quite taken aback at how the respect seemed not so important. The brother may have highly taken care of the bike, yet he mishandled how he treated his sister.
As with the parent’s idea of ‘what’s yours is mine within the family’, I know that with parents everything you own is not yours anymore. You will have to expect little accidents on your carpets and furniture. You will have your tools dented or taken and not returned. I say it should not be so. You need to be teaching your kids to respect the home and take responsibility with its care. It is not a free for all. Yes, you will have their back, but as they leave the home they need to realize that the level of care and respect doesn’t lower. Are you allowed to go to your neighbor and take without asking? I think not! In fact you will find the payment in a cell. Shouldn’t the level of respect for family should be higher than the ordinary person? Why is it ok to treat people within the family so cheaply?
her bike, her friend
A very honest post, Keeper. Thank you for giving your heart.
ReplyDeleteDid you find at the end of it that you maybe didn't respect your bro in your words and actions just as he hadn't shown you respect by his words and actions?
I find myself struggling at times in my relationships with certain members of my family where if it was someone else i would perhaps be more gracious, more merciful. Sometimes, for me at least i know i'm harder on my family bacause my expectations of them are greater but i agree so with what you said that 'the level of respect for family should be higher than the ordinary person'...
I wrote a post some months back (16th March) that reflected something God showed me in relationships i was struggling with and His way through it because the truth is that..
"Mercy triumphs over judgement." James 2:13
I wanted to really think about the situation before I responded. Right now I am at the point in this journey that it does take one to spin things out of control. And having said that God has gently reminded me that it takes one to be merciful and it takes one to forgive.
ReplyDeleteJames 2:13 (Mercy triumphs over judgment) is Him gently giving me counsel. However, I feel puzzle pieces are missing. It is becoming a fine line issue … if ‘she presses correcting the direction, more destruction to the relationship …. so doing nothing is the safest route.
Anger being a secondary emotion and getting the feeling that he is overwhelmed and searching his own path in the adult world and owning his personality strengths and weaknesses, she is stepping back. It allows her to keep her hands-off the wheel and allows him to grow. Unfortunately, he sees her as an enemy and she longs to correct it. However, being 10 years along in her journey, she has the ‘vision’ of what God can do when you are stuck in muck of our own personality. Great things come when God lets His Joy-Hounds of Heaven lose in your life. While she waits, she prays ‘sic ‘em’!!!