down with down ...

There are those who would love to be friends with others and then there are those who remove themselves from others. It seems that these two types follow the rule of opposites attract because it happens in families.

This girl is angry today. The days before have been in mental struggle to wrap my brain around it. Tears. Anguish. Fear. Sadness. I have had to be the adult and come to terms to my own melancholy. (In my label-book melancholy is a blue mood but not as severe as depression. And I do believe you have to label something in order to work it out) So I know the blues run in my family yet as I say this stubborness also runs in my family. See, I have had this word thrown at me and no, it did not feel good. Yet, I view stubborness as a friend especially when used for the good. So why can't a family member buck up and change? Why can't he follow God's nudge? Oh dear, don't tell me God will have to nudge harder! Why can't others see that bad health is God's way of saying to change some things? I can say this because I have to be very stubborn and eat a certain way. I could not be headache free without leaving 36 foods behind and especially when it comes to my dearly loved chocolate! I know God is in it. See we just had a family decusion about sugar. One brother and his son go into crazy mode after eating sugar. Believe me, the little nephew was spinning out of control after an adult size bowl of ice cream! YiKES! Where is the parental no? He is only 3@! The other brother was commenting how he was getting headaches from sugar. And then there is dad with diabetes! This is not random!!!!!!!!!!!!! (cane and beet sugar is one of my allergies)

Back to the blues...
No, I cannot say I conquered my melancholy by myself. I aggressively give credit to God for that. He was the One who turned my world upside down and tumbled me out on a journey of Joy. Every day since God and I have added more and more of a barrier to the blues like fish oil and figuring out my daily nauseous headaches (food allergies). I can still have my days. (I am still a woman! {smiles} ) I usually have tolerance for others and especially when it comes to loved ones but not today. In fact if you were here you would be hearing me mutter 'whatever. I am a big girl. I have the whole weekend to tend and mend my home. I don't care to be near those who don't want me around. etc'. And it is no big surprise that I was attracted to a guy who presently has removed himself from me with no verbal reason why.

I am pretty ticked off. I won't let it show tomorrow but oohwoosh....

It would delight me to no end to find a male who would dig me, who didn't disappear, who chased me, who thought holding hands while walking a slice of heaven, who beamed when I entered the room, who could sit gazing into my eyes.... then it would mean letting go of he who was so cool to be around but disappeared ... could I let go? I probably won't have to answer that because finding a male who digs, present, chases, holds my hand, beams, gazes is pretty much a lost cause in this age....

To think I wouldn't have let him make me so disenchanted...

KUUDUK & mad libs!

Over the weekend I purchased two more card games to add to my ever growing collection. I pulled out all my card games and was shocked to how many I do have. One card game called O'NO 99 by the makers of UNO takes me back. The cards are worn and weathered from all the games. I never liked the game because you had to count but dare not make it to 100. See, I just don't like counting and especially in my head. I asked mom if it was her favorite. She doesn't remember. I think I shall bring the game back out and make her play!!!

Comparing O'NO to the new game by UNO called KUUDUK, the card games changes their looks too. O"NO has a retro 70's feel while KUUDUK has a mod look about it. While musing over the games, I took time out to learn how to play the game .... of course by myself. Why a singleton like me loves card games with no one to play against ... beats me! I think I will continue to 'play' against myself every weekend so that I can introduce these games quickly and with ease especially now with the younger generation of my family. Maybe I can convert my entire family to card gamers this way!!!

As an adult I wished my elders had made card games apart of the 'home schooling'. It worked well but I guess if I was a parent, I would be weaving in social education and sportsmenship via card games. I would have an agenda and aggressive force it onto my unknowing offspring!!!!! Oh, don't start with me! They would never know what hit them!!! I would be crafty! And of course after all that education, fun would ultimately be at the heart as well as hard core card gamers for me to hone my own very lacking skills as I twiddle my thumbs now days - partnerless.

I like the how the game makers are putting their games in tins instead of the card board boxes. Saves them for years and years to come. I just happened to have an old hot chocolate tin in a nice size to pack away my collection of card games that came in card board boxes. Self preservation!!!

good ground...

Dearest EL, God Supreme,
I want to be soft and ready ground. I know the seeds fell. I think I understand more clearly then I did before that the seeds where nudges to try to write. I am limited with my words but You are eloquent. It matters not if the books become a reality. They are real inside. It is time to put words to these thoughts every day. My day job is numbers and I have litte time to let my mind wonder. I ask for Your water and Your manna. I am here soft and damp after Your Rain-Blessings. I am listening for Your words.... I want to write.
always weak but Yours by Your Stength alone

faith {v}

I have been thinking about faith. What does faith mean? How do I live by faith? How would I explain it if asked?

Simply, faith is to obey. No excuses. Just plainly active obedience! Almost no thought involved because you know how your thoughts can go bad when you just think. Only recalling God's Word. Absolutely no discussions in the face of one who does not believe in the faith you do. You have to obey. See that by your obedience to God, doubters then can see the Glory of God and not you. Are you picturing it?

Right now that is how I see faith. Just a small thing right now. A mustard seed. But what a might plant is grows to be...

no man's land ...

I have walked back and forth in this no man's land. The earth under my feet have rubbed the grass and pebbles away. All that is left is dusty dirt. In days of old I have yelled out listening to the echo return to my ears. My heart became rebellious because I wanted to hear his voice not my own. I wanted to see him come around the bend with arms wide and wanting for me to come running. But many days and years have come and gone. I keep pulling my eyes to God's horizon. I don't yell any more. Painfully, I have realized that it is not what I want them to give to me but what they can actually give. I sadly sit on 'look out rock' with my back to the caves. I know he has nothing to give nor does he believe that he needs me.

All the men in my life that I truly care and love hold me away from themselves. There is this veil and I cannot get beyond. I don't want to but I wish that all the strength I see inside their hearts would be unleash into this world. I see it but they don't. I have had many discussions with God. I am trying to still myself and listen. One day I will understand. Maybe one day a man will walk into my life with no veil. Or maybe he will come back from beyond and show me no veil because he took on the fight and God freed him. It remains a mystery and that is ok.

Because I have called out to God and have sought His Face and Heart, He comes and reveals Himself to me. I am allowed entrance into His Secret Place. I am His and He is mine. I am His Beloved and there are no doubts. He moves heaven and earth to be with me. He gives me great paintings and landscapes just for my enjoyment. He loves to see me smile. I strive to smile for Him... every moment ... of my days....

God in Iraq and at home...

The first Gulf War was closer to me then this war. Probably, because the men and women that went to fight were my age. This war is further away from until lately. Deaths are hitting closer and closer to home. Today when talking to a co-worker who keeps me updated with his soldier, I realized just how close it is getting.

The soldiers are now sons and daughters of my peers. It is a whole different set of emotions. Today I learned about Sam who got shot 3 times on Friday and was unconscious for three days. He is the boyfriend to a co-worker's daughter. I am adding Sam to my list.

I got an update on Joey. He is another soldier that I get updates on. He not so keen being in Iraq. I won't get into that - reasons will be kept private here. Joey is boyfriend to a daughter of the plant boss. The boss has taken Joey under his wing. Joey's home life is wasn't good. Monday the boss told me that Joey didn't take to the 4 anthrax shot and his arm and side is real stiff. This just might allow Joey to come early. Joey is excited.

I have been having some concerns for Joey because I know his mind isn't in it. Not good on the battlefield. I do ask the hard questions. So I asked the boss guy 'isn't it dangerous to feel that way?' Yes was his answer but what can you do but encourage his mindset.

This time I asked if Joey felt that being in battle was good for him. The boss guy said absolutely. God was a foreign concept to Joey. He was just something big. Now Joey bends the knee and asks God. Then the boss guy said 'I wish I could get my daughter into that for a time.' I said 'maybe it will rub off on her.'

Tears were falling in my eyes. God is works and when He does and I am fortunate enough to have my eyes wide open to it, I cannot help but have liquid emotions flow!!!

I was also moved to thought-
Guys need that battle and that adventure to hone his character. Daddy's often wish they could provide some honing to a wayward daughter. With my girl-eyes there is that honing in the waiting and often the worrying when left home. Perfect opportunity to show the girls that in the waiting they must get busy and become the prayer-warrior. Why not show them they are hearth-keepers and that it takes a warrior heart to do so. There is strength in that.... and pure beauty.

The battle is the Lord's. Iraq is the Lord's. So is America. We are to weak and so shanken by evil and terror. Don't forget Who is strong and will take any earthly defeat and make all thing beautiful in His Time...

top learning tool...

After going to college to study English Education, the real reason that I did not know then but know now is that I wanted to get how I learn as well as how others learn and I wanted to write. Funny how I learned what I really wanted to learn in the years following formal classroom time.

Let me sure one of biggest insights into learning. In my book it is the number one rule. Listen up. To give yourself the best environment for your brain to capture everything you are learning no matter your learning style, you must have a safe and positive feelings as a framework. Maybe encouragement is the word I am looking for.

I know you will not always be afforded good feedback. It has been something that has been a thorn in my side ever since my band teacher would humiliate me in front of others only because I would freeze up being shy and singled out. When I went boo hooing to Dad, he said that the band teacher thought I had talent and wanted me to live up to it. What Dad wanted me to do was get that moxie up 'I'll show you' bit on. Well, true as an adult I have done used 'I'll show you bit' but I really shine when I am fed good encouragement in safety.

I will always believe that the top rule in teaching or coaching or mentoring is keep the environment safe. Be a greenhouse. Then you can introduce the storms.

If you are a student and all you have are storms, know it is a part of life. However, teach yourself. Be kind and generous to yourself. When you do so, learning come quicker and deeper. Declare victory and celebrate.

for health's sake ...

"How are you doing?'

"If the stress doesn't go away soon, I'll have to think about what I am going to do,"

"You can't let the stress bother you. Leave it at work. Don't take it home."

"I am not trying to take it home. No matter what I have done to keep it here and be kind to myself, stress is following me. I could not shut my body down and didn't fall asleep til after 2AM Thursday. FRIDAY, I could not shut off my mind til way after 3AM. This cannot go on."

"You will hate yourself if you give up now due to stress."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, wait a minute! So you are telling me it is ok to let stress ruin my health? my sanity? Oh, I could use some choice words right now. I am one who fights till the last dog is howling. My name is tanacity! But there are limits. Too much stress after working myself silly to accomplish calm waters and drowning in it ... something has to give.

It was a down day. I had victories last week but that did not keep my tears in check. I am very weak and I will continue to call on God's strength... but too much stress? what for?

9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. 13 That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.
Ecclesiastes 3

The more I read Ecclesiastes the more I see that if work is stressing you out, something has to change. You must find satisfaction or you will lose yourself ...

daddy's girl

Happy Father's Day, my Heavenly Father,
Thank You for my own father. Thank You for moving my heart to see how to love him more by just being near him and making a point to hug him and tell him I love him. Very simple acts but strong and powerful ones. I am truly blessed. Thank You for You and for my father.
always Your little girl

flowers, victory, sleep

1. Finding a Matrix Lily so fire orange it holds your eyes and a Purply Queen Hollyhock to give my parents for their Anniversary coming up on Monday. 41 years!!! I am blessed to have parents still loving and holding to each other.

2. Finally getting a victory in understanding how to get my tape and the computer to match. This new job has been the hardest ever. But with my weakness, leaning on God's strength is the only way to go.

3. Being able fall asleep quickly after falling into bed after two nights in a row where my mind is a whirl or my body just won't shut down because of stress.

bring on the rains...

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.
Isaiah 55:10-12

I love this verse. Besides my own country, I have another favorite. It is a verrrrrry dry place. This land has endured a 10 year drought and just begun to experience rain that her people thought would never come back again. I know a small handful of people from this dry place. I have gotten to experience their stories as I have listened. What I thirst for I can get from within my country because our resources are there for the taking, but I wonder and am sad when I feel his thirst and he seems to find no relief. I have prayed for rain for this dry land and for his dry and thirsty being and wonder of God's plan to minster to the dry thirsty souls of these precious in His eye people.

I cherish this verse as I see the promise within it. My job is to plant seeds of love, generosity, and joy. It will not go out without coming back in full and overflowing. Those that hunger and eat too will find able to walk upright again.

Can you see it? A dry land drinking up the rains and the trees bud and flowers burst forth. Truly clapping is heard...

Dear Heavenly Rain Giver,
Oh, how You give me the perfect word to cheer my fainting heart. What pictures You paint for me. New eyes to see Your Great Wonders and to see more clearly Your Awesome Plans You designed for each of us. I am keeping this verse ever close to my prayers for a dear and precious friend and his family. I pray for the rains of Joy and Salvation on his house. Oh, may he reborn in Your Joy so mysterious and ever so strong. I love You!!
always Your little girl

Ruth Graham, faithful wife & servant ...

MONTREAT, North Carolina (AP) -- Ruth Graham, who surrendered dreams of missionary work in Tibet to marry a suitor who became the world's most renowned evangelist, died Thursday. She was 87.

Graham died at 5:05 p.m. at her home at Little Piney Cove, surrounded by her husband and all five of their children, according to a statement released by Larry Ross, Billy Graham's spokesman.

"Ruth was my life partner, and we were called by God as a team," Billy Graham said in a statement. "No one else could have borne the load that she carried. She was a vital and integral part of our ministry, and my work through the years would have been impossible without her encouragement and support. (Watch how Ruth Graham lived out her faith )

"I am so grateful to the Lord that He gave me Ruth, and especially for these last few years we've had in the mountains together. We've rekindled the romance of our youth, and my love for her continued to grow deeper every day. I will miss her terribly, and look forward even more to the day I can join her in Heaven."

"She would help my father prepare his messages, listening with an attentive ear, and if she saw something that wasn't right or heard something that she felt wasn't as strong as it could be, she was a voice to strengthen this or eliminate that," said her son, Franklin, who is now the head of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association.

"Every person needs that kind of input in their life and she was that to my father."

"What she witnessed in her family home, she practiced for herself -- dependence on God in every circumstance, love for his word, concern for others above self, and an indomitable spirit displayed with a smile," said the Grahams' youngest daughter, also named Ruth.

Despite her reluctance to be a public personality herself, Ruth Graham met many of the powerful and famous through her husband -- who was a spiritual adviser to presidents for decades. President Bush and first lady Laura Bush called her a "remarkable woman of faith" who "inspired people around the world with her humor, intelligence, elegance, and kindness."

She met Billy Graham at Wheaton College in Illinois. He recalled in 1997 memoirs, "If I had not been smitten with love at first sight of Ruth Bell I would certainly have been the exception. Many of the men at Wheaton thought she was stunning."

From that point onward she had to endure her husband's frequent absences, remarking, "I'd rather have a little of Bill than a lot of any other man."

Due to her husband's travels, she bore major responsibility for raising the couple's five children: Franklin (William Franklin III), Nelson, Virginia, Anne and Ruth.

Ruth Graham was the author or co-author of 14 books, including collections of poetry and the autobiographical scrapbook "Footprints of a Pilgrim."

Ruth Graham will be buried at the new Billy Graham Library in Charlotte -- a source of apparent discord within the family last year. This week, Billy Graham said he and Ruth had decided "after much prayer and discussion" they would be laid to rest at the foot of a cross-shaped walkway in the library's prayer garden.

from cnn.com

{sighs} This stirs my heart. I long to be a helpmate. Ruth Graham is such a perfect picture.

I know there is great rejoicing in Heaven for a servant coming home even as there is tears in her husband eyes and great love and joy in his heart. It is amazing to be a believer. There are great tears yet great rejoicing when an earthly travel is through because there is a great hope. Our story is NOT ending rather there is a HAPPY EVER AFTER!!!

chemistry in LDR?

If you can make a LDR work, then you can make a marriage work. I will go one step further... every girl should put there relationship to the test and have some LD in their relationship to see how well the two of you can manage the LD. I say girl because maybe girls are better at the LDR than a guy is.

I do think everyone should think about how to make a LDR work. It is not just a phenomenon that is occuring today because of the internet. It has occured with every war and with every man going off on some adventure leaving their woman at home. Today there are more things that pull us physically away from each other. But it still takes a MASSIVE AMOUNT of TENACITY, shear guts, and will power.

I know I can do it. No, it is not ideal. But it is ideal for me to start a relationship. Having LD in my relationship allows me to grow the relationship strong. Heaps of reward in the final union. However, I have not met one man who can stand the test...

LDR is about being able to describe to other on the other side of the world your day like the smells, tastes, sights, feelings, accents, sounds that you are experiencing. Then it is about listening to the foreign descriptions like one who has no senses. It is about two people experiencing two different worlds but doing so as one. It is learning to keep the other's presence with you in everything you do even when touch is unavailable to you.

It allows you to create a world where talking and listening are very important. Gentle discussions are very intense and inspiring. I say so with experience. I walked with happy and confidence in my back pocket in those precious moments. No, it didn't work out and having it happen again seems unlikely. So why do I believe in LDR? I was liked for a brief moment in time without worry if my outward appearence failed the chemistry test. I am not ugly nor am I drop dead gorgeous but to have physical chemisty is a must and it has been an unknown factor in my life. With LDR the chemistry was of the mind, heart, and the soul. It was enough until he disappeared...

depression in Rings movie?!

Ok, I told you I was watching 'The Lord of the Rings' movies again this summer... When I read and watched the movies that last time, my heart heard a lot of war things. This time around I am hearing tones of depression! This movie is echoing what issues that are before me. I am leaning in because God works in mysterious ways even through movies...

obedience ...

I didn't catch her name but she was talking about 'Pilgrim's Progress'. What really pricked my ears was her simple definition of obedience. I really wished I had learned this catch phrase when a wee girl but I got it now and I want to share with the wee generations. Obedience always brings blessing. Disobedience always brings destruction. Don't get me wrong I know this but this is wrapped up in a neat package and easy to recite and remember.

She was going further and breaking obedience down into three areas:
patient obedience - waiting on God and not on any one esle or thing! ie: If you were meant to fall in love, God would have given him to you. If there is no love, then you don't need it. Ok, that bites! She used the exact same sentence I have used on myself to passify my hurt feelings.
disciplined obedience - thought life - Phil 4:8 Whoa! Another verse I use to keep my thoughts on a higher level.
enduring obedience - faithful - Again, a question I ask myself ... Am I faithful?

I wonder if she will be speaking again tomorrow. I can't wait to hear more! She really reaffirmed the path I am on right now.

ducks swimming in the Cup!

Hip Hip Horrrrrrrrray!!!! The DUCKS!!!!!! I enjoy hockey and now that my favorite Gretzky has retired from the ice, I cheer for any American team that can stomp a Canadian team! {smiles} sorry!

warm hearts ...

She came at 5:55AM today all 7.3lbs and 19ins of her. My beautiful niece! Some babies just don't look so cute and cuddly. But she has beautiful skin. Her first name comes from the new mom and her middle name comes from her great grandma on her father's maternal side. A unique name, Lucia Irene. Light & Peace. {Good choice, you too.} I love the meanings of names. So teach her well and she will become all her name calls her to be.

I went up to see my new niece and there was no competition unlike when my nephew came. I got to hold the darling little obe for over an hour and a half. She laid there sleeping and every once in a while she would get a bit grumpy. She didn't open her eyes. Little bro says she has her mama's lips and can't see our side in her. No, she isn't like her nephew who looked like a spitting image of his great grandpa on his father's paternal side which was slightly eerie but like a whisper of one passing as the other came. I see a ridge right at the eyebrows. Her head tapers at the top leaving full cheeks. You could say that is normal with babies but just maybe she does and will carry the features of her great grandma on her father's paternal side. The great grandma that passed last summer. This grandma carries a heavy brow and strong jowls. Time will tell.

I put my finger in her curled fist and in sleep she would latch her cold litttttttle fingers around my cold hands. A kindred warm heart!!! A moment stilled and quiet. Babies. Mircles. Quiet. Peace. I wonder what her little path will take her. I wonder what our relationship will be like...

Shhhhh, did you hear Him pass?

to be more noble ...

Why is it that when I read or watch 'The Lord of the Rings' that I change? What changes? Well, I want more nobility, more adventure, more purpose, more passion... My speech and my thoughts rise to a higher plane. I begin to see life in split levels. I can see past the earth and into a heavenly realm. This is a profound nugget for me.

See, my job isn't what I was born to do. But at this time God has put it on my plate. It is what I must do. Splitting it open, the kingdom portion is how I perform my earthly work. I cannot go down in frustration and anger. I must see HOW I DO my work with nobility! If need be, I am the little warior-princess clothed with the Kingdom's armor and welding the 'doubled-edged sword' out to slay the mighty dragon.

~note to self~
Every summer: watch/read 'The Lord of the Rings' Movies

stormy new job ...

I was reading Ron Mehl's book called "Surprise Endings". In the chapter about storms I was reading that the best time for plants to grow in not the warm gentle rains or a nice summer day, rather it is when it is storming!

Botanists tell us that if you were to take a cross-section of the earth during a vicious storm, you could literally oberve the roots reaching further down into the soil.

Guess what? Last week I observed this with the corn fields and the tall grasses obscuring the view at country intersections! I almost missed the black cow chewing the cud in the farmer's overgrown grass field. I wonder if he loses track of all of his baby black cows!

Oh, how I hate to admit that I grow during the worst storms in my life. I am a learner by nature but when it hurts I tend to pour it on and figure out how to fix it and not let it happen again. Right now I am in the middle of a realllllllly scary storm. I feel like I am holding a greased bar on a red caboose on a runaway Japanese train. (Yes, I know I am mixing up two different trains but it is my picture!) The back of my neck stands up and I can feel my defience mode settling into my mind. I dislike that feeling. I want to be meek. I must let my spirit rule. {breathes} My new boss wanted to talk about something. Yikes. Doesn't help when the 'teacher' starts my day by saying, 'you are really behind. Better stay late and get caught up.' Goooooood grief! I've been working 9+hrs a day! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Here me roar!!!! Good thing I have some time to reboot...

affectionately...

I was able to thumb through Ronald Reagan's letters that was published this week. I greatly admire men who take the time to write letters and especially love letters. How you write and what you write reveals the inner man and not some paint and plaster. I have admired the love stories of men and women who have written to each other and have fallen in real love before even seeing each other. I wish I could remember the books I read those mail-order-bride stories as a young girl. -sighs-

My brain's inner dialogue has been experimenting with letter writing...

'Today is a warm one. High 80's and sunny. Its Saturday and it is all mine to do with as I please. I made roasted stove top potatoes for lunch to go with my tuna patty. I like to cook something up that I will not do during a weekday. Those potatoes were delish with a bit of salt, butter, and organo. MMMM. I tried a new flower to paint. The Iris. It came out ok. I like to get other's reaction before I will like it. Shame on me. I do enjoy the painting. I love how I feel inside. Finally getting the Iris to come out ok does allow me to take a piece and create for Mom's order. I did finally push myself outside to take a walk. I would rather have a walking buddy so I took God with me. I didn't talk. Hope that was ok. I did drink in the houses and the landscapes the owners have tried to do to their yards. Sure is hot for the beginning of summer. There where a lot of graduation parties that I walked by. Made me nostalgic remembering back to my own high school graduation. It was a beautiful walk and I was quite sweaty when I go home. After cooling down, I shaved ice and added grape juice, lemon juice and sparkling water. MMMM. I decided to write you. Hope my eyes took you away for a bit....'

Funny how writing tidbits of what you did or what happened to you is as important as your great thoughts, beliefs, and issues. It is your eyes to your world and it is conveyed through the paintbrush of your words... I just might have something here...