It is sunny out. Birds are singing. The chill is still holding on and the only brave souls are the crosuses that brust forth in their bright yellow and purple blooms this time every year. But if you pull back the first layer of earth you will see her.
She is there with the huge hole the size of a dinner plate in chest. Her eyes are red and dark circles can be seen. Tears have left gullys down her cheeks. You don't see her in this condition in full sunshine. Mostly she has put away her sack cloth. Joy is her new name and she mostly walks in sunshine. It is the season that is gripping her in this vice. It is birthday season. More exact it was his birthday and she did not attempt a gift but a subject line to wish him well.
Even a woman child knows the value of someone's birthday. Pulling up old emails proved again the sadness she feels. He went on and described the homemade card he recieved in '03 and then really spoke of his feelings in great detail of the gift he recieved in '04. It wasn't the kudos she was looking for but rather the feelings of importance he felt that he didn't deserve.
Something happened somewhere along the '05 timeline. She has video tape running constantly looking for the glitch. She still hasn't found it. Personal things like his job was tearing him up again. Then he left small breadcrumbs of spiritual things till he pulled away entirely. Reruns of his dreams and nightmares have consume and plague her. The mystery continues.
In order not to obsess she took word from two songs God-Sent back in February. It was ok to put him in a niche and keep him in prayer, but to get on with life. But like dealing with death memories haunt her. She feels crazy. She knows what lies deep in her heart but to others he wasn't really there. Living oceans apart no one knew him the way she did.
My dear child,
I know ... I saw the two of you walking together for a spell. I know your pain. I am in your pain. I know you believe this worse than death. I know you want to see what is in store for the both of you. Remember that I want to be your Horizon. Remember I have gone before you and I walk with you. Yes, you loved him hard and deeply. You gave what your little heart could. I designed your meeting. I knew you had a lot to give him and he to you. Keep those close. Remember back to all those gifts and letters? Did you not move to what you thought I said to you to send? Did you not design all of them to be kept and read in times of trouble? No, I cannot reveal to you what is going on on the other side of the world. But you know I am there ... keeping him as I you. I love you and I love him. Wait on Me and be of good courage... for I make your heart strong.
~always your Heavenly Father
she:
pezzi:misses you
WALK THE LINE - sung by Johnny Cash
ReplyDeleteI keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line
I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line
As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line
You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line
I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line
AUSTIN - sung by Blake Shelton
She left without leaving a number
Said she needed to clear her mind
He figured she'd gone back to Austin
'Cause she talked about it all the time
It was almost a year
Before she called him up,
Three rings and an answering machine
Is what she got.
If you're calling 'bout the car, I sold it,
If this is Tuesday night, I'm bowling
If you got something to sell
You're wasting your time
I'm not buying
If it's anybody else
Wait for the tone
You know what to do
And P.S. if this is Austin
I still love you.
The telephone fell to the counter
She heard but she couldn't believe
What kinda man would hang on that long
What kinda love that must be
She waited three days
And then she tried again
She didn't know what she'd say
But she heard three rings and then.
If it's Friday night,
I'm at the ball game
And first thing Saturday, if it don't rain
I'm headed out to the lake
And I'll be gone all weekend long
But I'll call you back
When I get home
On Sunday afternoon,
And P.S. if this is Austin
I still love you.
This time she left her number
But not another word
Then she waited by the phone
On Sunday evening
And this is what he heard.
If you're calling 'bout my heart
It's still yours
I shoulda listened to it a little more
Then it wouldn't have
Taken me so long
To know where I belong
And by the way, boy
This is no machine you're talking to
Can't you tell this is Austin
And I still love you.
I still love you...
While working these two songs where played several hours apart. These songs are very familiar with me. But that day in February they came together in such a way I knew it was time to put him in his niche. Didn't mean I would forget him ... just means that if he should come back my arms would be open. I often wish I could real lay into him good only because it hurts like a 1000 thick and deep papercuts all over my heart. But somehow ... more like with God's Almighty help I will be meek and tender with him.