I was kindly diagnosed that maybe I was being tight fisted about a friendship. After some personal mental debate, the diagnosis is wrong. My problem is that I suffer from ‘objects-appear-closer-than-they-really-are’ vision. No, I am not taking about looking backwards but rather when I look at someone straight on in a committed friendship or a relationship, I invest more into them then they do into me. (In fact others befriend me first. I do not befriend because it has never worked before.) I am a deep person. I am a listener. I ask probing questions to understand the other person. I have empathy for others. I am a sensitive. I am stedfast and here in the moment. Long after an encounter my heart and soul are working double time going through all the feelings. I am beginning to realize that others do not think like this or maybe a more correct way is they don’t act this way proving that I am a real freak show.
So if I what do I do with ‘objects-appear-closer-than-they-really-are’ vision? Is there any corrective measures? Do I stop investing all together? Why is it that when I see inconsistancy and voice it KINDLY it spirals into devistating conflict? Do I only interact on the surface? So does that mean I should not expect depth and commitment in those ‘investable’ relationships? Maybe I should be fickle? Does this mean I change myself?
OOOPs! Won’t do that! This is where I began wearing my fat suit. Won't be packing those pounds again. I will not change being a deep person or a listener, or using probing questions, or being empathic, or being a sensitive, or being stedfast. This is who I am to be, a God’s workmanship. This is a piece of sand that festers in within my heart and someday will prove to be a most beautiful pearl in His time. I have had other pieces of sand that have been in opposition with others but after time had passed and great agitation, I have discovered a peaceful pearl ( like my Joy Epiphany).
I will continue to be hypersensitive about not being where I am not wanted. I will continue to be hypersensitive about keeping my hands off the wheel ( I will not be bossy. I will not control. I will not be tight fisted) I will continue to be hypersensitive about pursuing dreams (meaning I am tenacious about encouraging dreams). I will continue to be stedfast and here.
If I was to take the deep out of me, if I was to stop engaging others, if I was to stop being sympatric, if I stopped questioning, if I stopped my empathy, it would be killing me, the best parts of God’s design.
I have had to just give up and to someone who believes in tenacity and endurance, giving up is slow painful million little deaths. To cope I had to make visuals for myself. The pearl, the airport, and the chauffer’s limo are my corrective measures.
Take an airport, here is where I will put all the people I will come in contact with. I will love, hug, and give them best wishes. (a gorilla lover of sorts I guess) When I ‘see’ their backside, I will wrap them in a prayer, wave a goodbye, and hop on my plane – destination home. I believe investing is loving and I must not stop. I did not finally get how to engage others to now stop permanently. If I can empathize with others, then I should be able to read their leaving signs better and faster. About the tight fisted, hands on the wheel control, I will always take the back seat as I allow the Chauffer to take me to places like the ‘airport’. I will never ride shot gun and I refuse to be a back seat driver.
This is a very sad day but what I will take from this is that little piece of sand that lies at the bottom of my heart that believes that a journey is two sided, -a journey walked and the journeyer supported, a journey of togetherness, a deep journey, a journey where both end up in the same place, a journey treasured and God-Approved- will one day confirm its worth as a worthy treasured pearl. That day will show that I am not a crazy freak.
side trail
What I know for sure is that good gifts expire. One must always give their best to others. You never know how long you have. Death is different than leaving. Death is final and God-Appointed. Leaving is people-appointed and when left on bad terms, all worth is flush out leaving you feel like a big fat zero. Selfish is withholding yourself and your love. Self-full is knowing how to balance self love and the love you give out every moment of everyday. If you are taking huge amounts of timeouts with God, then you are badly out of balance and cannot fully love as God wants you to love. If you are so out of balance and need huge amounts of timeouts, then expressing with your support team regularly can cut the amount of time you need. Good-Conflict is painful but both parties are seeking to love and understand each other. Bad-Conflict is lashing out and proving others wrong in the sake of protecting self. And choosing words like ‘I need to protect my God-designed journey blah blah blah’… could really mean you are not using God-Love to shelter the other in this time. Ebb and flow is the give and take not the hellos and the goodbyes...
Dear Heavenly Husbandman,
‘in giving up' and rest You promise Your Salvation. I never understood this and it is hard to understand even now. I hate giving up. It is not in me. My heart is black and blue. My spirit is deflated and shaken. But You promised Salvation. I must place my whole being in that. Save this wretched little girl. I need YOU. Love YOU … Thank You for keeping me. And about that piece of sand, I still believe in tenacity and endurance and that You require it of us as lovers. How long? You will quiet me and what joy when You reach down within me and pull out the most perfect pearl ... I will remain expectant but always loving ...
~ always Your little girl
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