enbraceable you ...

I am not a hugger. Just wasn't something I needed ... in my growing up days. However, it has haunted me through out my existance. I sadly remember pulling away from my dad when I was a teenager. I don't like people in my space either. Argh! I jump or step back then I kick myself when I got myself alone. As my journey has mellowed me out ... well sort of!, I am more embraceable ... ! I hope!!!! =D

At church I have two wise women who would hug me instead of the usual shaking of hands. Inside my head I said, "Well now, from now on these two will never shake my hands again, only hugs from now on!" It was sort of a playful defiance that became a truly loving touch.

Don't think I am callous! I just wanted to hear how I was special to my parents or siblings. Hugs didn't satisfy and where sometimes awkward. Hugs where most inviting when I was extremely sad and hurt from the world. I remember a really rough trip away from home. I could not wait to return to the hugs from my Mom and Dad. Another time in college I had had it with my roommate. Only the hugs from Mom and Dad could give me strength to continue. So just the causal hug still seems foreign to me.....

However, these days I am employing hugs to reach out where I can't seem to connect where I would like. I love my Dad. I always look up to him. We fail each other because I don't like to have debates and he loves them. I just was feeling bit lost between us. This year subconsiously, I have been hugging Dad every time we are together. I just happened to realize my actions and now have made it a conscious one. I do think he started it ... but I am going to keep it up! If an enbrace can change the connection I have with my wise women, it can strengthen the connection I have with my dad with out the need to debate!

I do think my next step will be writing notes to Dad. While making my desk drawer a party to open everytime (cleaning and organizing), I happened to find a birthday note he had written to me back in my college days. I remember the cake, too! It was chocolate!!!!! I have a few of his notes tucked through out my house. What a beautiful embraceable way ... huggers and words!!!