interference ...

OOOO, had a family conversation about conflict over the Thanksgiving holiday!!!! I was actually shocked and had to pipe up. I have verrrrrrry strong feelings about conflict. Just so you understand how volatile this topic makes me lets do word association. These are the words that pop into my head when I hear the word 'conflict' = discussions, anger, out of hand, confrontation, distruction, melt down, raised voices, sweating, face flushed. All of these things I loathe. Why can't I have a discussion that uses soft words, where no one trying to be the winner or right, where there is new insights learned, and ultimately being able to walk away feeling good about yourself and about others?

I once was able to really have a happy discussion. Well, he was gone before I could figure it out but God in His wise ways brought a book into my life that changed my ways. 'Quiet Leadership' by David Rock is an excellent teacher. I have it all in my head and I use it on myself. I haven't mastered the discussion part because I really don't have a person I can practise on. I do try to phrase the questions but usually after a potential target has left the conversation.

In 'Quiet Leadership' there is an equation which goes like this performance = potential - interference. While learning a new and very difficult job this year, I saw this equation work out in my learning process. The interference was coming into play by the teacher's tone of voice as well as me striving too hard to learn everything like yesturday! The interference was hindering my ability to learn. I was breaking down in tears and frustration. I began to doubt myself and wonder if I made the wrong decision. So isn't conflict interference?

So I piped up and laid the question down. So you need conflict to change? I got a big yes from Dad. I didn't know where to go from there. It is just best to save it for here.

Dad is raising questions at work where he normally just would absorb it all. He is being confrontational and doesn't care anymore. He says he is retiring in the near future so what does he have to loose? If he can see how something can better a different way than what was always done, then he is going to say something. I must say that I have noticed his mood is more upbeat. He doesn't seem to be fighting that ever present depression. I have to say it is good for Dad to pack a bit of heat and not be afraid of conflict. Conflict is good for Dad's voice. I just see it a different way.

First I do need to have a disclaimer. If something isn't working, change it. However, I do not like conflict. I hate it. I don't do change well either unless it makes a job easier and more efficient. Ok, now on with my beef with conflict...

Take a hockey team. In order to make a goal, you must take out the interference. The defense cannot put the whole team in just to interfer with the goal making! That would be major penalty box time. Not into sports? Take the radio. You have to take out the static to hear the music. I cannot do conflict. I have interior melt down so bad that you can see it come through me with my blushed cheeks and sweat. I have massive urges to run. It does not serve me well to have conflict.

It is honorable for a man to stop striving,
since any fool can start a quarrel.
Prov 20:3

Make no friendship with an anger man,
and with a furious man do not go.
Lest you learn his ways
and set a snare for your soul.
Prov22:24-25

... do not associate with those given to change.
Prov 24:21

It all could be just the word conflict and what I associate with it. But my personal truth is to take out the interference and interference looks like striving, conflict, anger. To me taking out striving, conflict, and anger enables my best and that really means change for the better. I just want to do it without conflict.