I admitted that one of my biggest weaknesses is CONFRONTATION and it just so happens that I heard a radio speaker talk about this issue. I of course was all ears to the point I was very excited and could not wait to hear the second installment the next day. The speaker is Tim Downs. (He is an author but when I went to google him there was another author Tim Downs whose books looked like novels. I don't think I found the right Tim Downs.) The bold print are Tim's thoughts...
You get into the most trouble in marriage in what is NOT said.
Wow! In most of my relationships I tread so carefully and keep things to myself. I don't say what I want to say. Often I find it good to be slow in speaking. Plus, it seems I get into more trouble when I finally do get the nerve up and say something. I even try to be good and kind. Doesn't matter. It is usually the deal breaker.
Man turns all emotions he doesn't understand into the one emotion he does know quite well -> ANGER!
Wow! Great insight! This makes it easier to understand man better. Being afraid of anger and knowing down deep about the need of outside help at times to tip the steam on the pressure cooker so that you don't explode all over others, I wonder how to make this work. I will tuck it back in my heart for later. I did have a conversation with x about anger and needing a mate to understand just will help tip the steam.... but never got to explore it with him. In fact the last thing I know about x was that he was dealing with anger....
God's Anger protests evil and protects Good.
Ooo, I like this picture! Simple and right on.
Divorce comes from the residue of the bitterness and resentment and anger.
I have residue buildup in my relationship with little bro because he forgot my birthday. It has already been a month. Sure, I know he is suppppppppppppppper busy but it sure makes me feel worthless. I have mulled it over and over wondering how to approach him on this. No matter how I try to it, I see him exploding all over. I hate high frequency pitches.
Depression can be the extreme form of anger.
I don't think it can be, I know it for sure. My melancholy came from not being able to use my voice and not being seen to have a brain. I had a joy epiphany and I had a relationship that I could really think aloud with another. But when that person got tired of my endless thoughts, I found a huge relief in writing in this little piece of space. I just don't look at the visitor count! I keep reminding myself that this is ultimately me sharing my God conversations and mental battles. God is paying attention whether or not any one else cares or not.
Ephs 4:15 = Loving confrontation - 'speaking truth in love'
Truth is the contents but love is the packaging. Become a packing expert.
I spent a lot of time trying to figure out this. I have a beef about little bro forgetting my birthday and wonder how to package this. I kept coming up with him ending up exploding. Not good. At this point I had to wait for the next day for the speaker to finish. Maybe I will have more tips to make a loving confrontation.
97% of conflict ends up as it started.
Hmmm, never noticed that. I will have to observe it. When you are in it, there is too much going on to catch it. I shall try to begin softly.
Men are more quick to run when they are angry.
Oh, just great!
list for before you begin:
1. check motivation - (is it love, understanding, repair?)
2. check attitude
3. check timing, pressure, place
Rules for during:
1. pray asking for wisdom - touch - pull up a third chair for God
2. focus on one thing/issue at a time
3. focus on the problem and behavior not the person or the character.
4. stick to specifics - never use never or always
5. men prefer words whereas women use the nonverbal for relationship clues
6. focus on understanding
End Game: apology and forgiveness
apology -> feel regret, take responsibility/own it, remedy
forgiveness ->humility, eagerness, grace
Picture the two as the apology as a box you put the issue in and forgiveness as the top you cover it with.
I did need to be reminded that men uses words and not what is going on around the words. Tim gave an excellent visual. He described it as a man coming home to his wife on the floor in the pool of blood asking what is wrong. She says 'I'm fine' in a sarcastic voice not believing the question! He wonders latter why she is so cold. He took her at her word.
Ahhh, I guess I am afraid of what I would say, how much I say, and if he could handle it all and still love and cherish me anyways. It seems there is such a disadvantage!
Funny how I owned up to my weakness of confrontation and help came my way. What you seek you shall find. Still a mystery but one I am willing to try. I am tired of losing out no matter what I do. It does seem I lose if I keep quiet or if I speak. So I will attack my how and make it better.
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