diseased ...

part I
I've caught his disease and I am madder than mad. Even though we had a developing relationship, we talked about his distrust issues and the cause and inwardly knew he did not trust me. Would he ever? I thought it possible. But now that he took off with out verbal reasons, I am facing distrust issues in my own life. I am aware so I hope I don't turn fully into this dehumanizing disease.

I was a girl who never was picked for marriage and still waiting. He was a guy pushed into a marriage and it fell apart. Maybe we could figure this out. No matter how good the talks and feelings were, he always had the bottom line of him being single the rest of his days. He even talked about being in the nursing home age tormenting others with his thoughts. I would cringe. I would never tell him but I thought and had talked long talks with God that we were something together.

Now with three years under my belt of being turned out without a clue, I distrust probably my own thoughts and feelings a bit more than any guy who would even try to get close to this (points finger to self). I've had it. I still want someone but I don't want to go through it again...

part II
She is shy and many who look upon her thinks she is doe like and very skittish. That is probably very accurate. Her eyes are woeful brown and tell many of her secrets like fear. Many conclude it to be distrust. If you are patient and don't come at her full force, you are rewarded. She isn't half bad and is very loyal. She will talk and she is friendly.

In her post college days there was this boy four years her younger who seemed to take notice of her. He would stare at her. Her parents told her she was too aloof. She didn't know what to do. She tried not to run. He never made the attempt. Even after he got married, she would keep catching him looking her way. Frustration built up. She talked about this years later to a guy who might give her understanding. He just said that this boy wasn't strong enough for her. She desired and deserved someone strong enough to get past her shyness. Ok, she thought. Was that consolation? She wasn't sure.

Then something in her early thirties a guy from church who would be considered a high school classmate even though he was either a year or two ahead of her decided to ask her out. He first came up and said hi ignoring her little brother. Little bro wasn't too happy and neither was she. He later called and she declined and that was the end of that. To her defence she knew of him. He was a son to acquaintances of my parents. She was not in his circle of friends and their paths never crossed during those school years. So for him to come up to her basically a total stranger, he really messed up by not taking the stranger out of the equation.

By mere chance she stumbled upon a really cool guy in a chatroom and developed a relationship - a good 3 years worth. Might not seem like a lot but they cut to the bare bones and wern't afraid to be deep with each other. Then as quickly as it came he left. She has been trying to disintangle herself but finding it impossible.

Recently another guy from church has begun his greetings again. It started a bit before the online friend. When visiting the church her middle bro stated that this guy was a classmate of his which makes him two years younger than her. He was married at one time; he has two kids. He is good looking. She just doesn't want to care. However, he is calling out hi and attaching her name. She attempts to be friendly and goes on. He had to get her name from somewhere. They never made introductions. Most likely he got it from the yearbook like she had to, but she was trying to place his face and to try remember him and nope, don't remember. What is so wild is that discomfort is her main feeling whenever he says hi. You can see her mentally talking herself into putting him in the just friendly box. If only she could have had a repreave during the week! No, Friday comes along and she is off at Walmart getting lotion, no sugar added grape juice, and prune juice that she can't get at her favorite store. She is in one of the quicky lines at the exit. While she is waiting next in line, she looks up. He comes walking in with his daughter. If you could of seen her face, her countance dropped and looked away putting her items on the counter. Instead of walking over to the entrance lane, he comes walking right by her in the checkout lane, says hi and how are you doing. She was so frustrated and beside herself with nerves, she picked up her bag and tore out of the store. Only to realize later that only two items where in her bag instead of the three. Argh! After telling her tale to a co-worker, co-walker said he is just being friendly. She still distrusts and it is in the ugly stage. She isn't just shy any more. Trust isn't a strong suite anymore. Too much heart break and she has had enough of that.

part III
Final thoughts....
If he should ask you out and you don't feel right, just say no thank you. Do not back it up with a reason even if he should ask for one. Giving a reason or a defense for not going out with him, subconsciously says you are trying to either change him or yourself. Big NO-NO. You cannot save, fix, or change another human being.

If you don't want this, don't get sucked into being nice. Be friendly yes but do not try to make it work in your head or your heart. Girls hurt themselves more than any guy. So don't overthink this stuff. Keep it simple. You have known what you want and you will know him when he walks in. Remember where your heartbreak is. Protect it all cost. No matter if you never find that one guy that gives you special attention, just keep reading Psalms 18. God is your Knight on a white horse...