gifting single...

Is being single a 'good gift'?

An interesting question! I am going to have to compare 'being single' to a gift that someone gives you that you just don't understand why you received it or what you are going to do with it. Take the shirt you get when your parents went off on some really hot vacation. You know the shirt. The one that says 'My parents went to Hawaii and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.' Ok, you got this t-shirt as a gift, now what?

I have to say that 'being single' is one of those types of off-the-wall gifts you really don't know what to do with it especially when you feel the need and want to be on a team because it really what you are good at. Being in this position after loving but not being loved back - in fact just walked away from - I feel strongly that I need to practice my faith and really look at this 'being single' as truly a gift.

When I call it a gift, I put high value on it. It is not received and forgotten about after an hour of playtime. I really make sure I cherish the giver of the gift by wearing when they are around or displaying or appreciating it. So with 'being single' I must choose to wear it with pride. I can still love passionately. I can still enjoy life fully. I can be focused on being a beloved. I can be open and attentive. I don't need a husband rather the Great Husbandman fills in. I can make mistakes and yet be allowed to grow. I can be tender and vulnerable without any risk of be shunned. I can be as tenacious as I am without fear of disgust. Through it all I know the Great Hands will temper my love and my passion. All I have to care about is the Smile on His Face. In Him I have a worthy Team Player who wants to stick with me more than my stickiness. {smiles} No more of this unwanted feeling. Ahh, well worth it.

Asking for vs. using what is on the table

I can't get the conversation I had with my little brother this past Sunday. He is getting his master's in psychology. His teacher has encourage him to ask for what he needs in relationships. Little bro conveyed his struggle. He has asked and has gotten not much back. To me there was no success in his asking. Quite frankly, I believe it to only promote more discontent with in him. Funny too but I kept my mouth shut on this one - no more honestly, I didn't think about it until later ... our own relationship changed more than I wanted it to when he got married. Asking would have started a fight. I was forced to use what was brought to the table.

I am way to tired to ask any more. I have done that and won't go there. I am on to something new and has better success. I am less disatisfied with my life and who I am. I want solutions. Good ones. What is more successful is working with what is brought the table of a relationship. Like I keep stressing is that you cannot change someone so stop wishing it so. Just work with what you have.

It is about what you can control, right? You cannot control people! But look at what is on the table and be an artist and create something magical from it.

So with little bro, I am going to use questions (psychology!) to edge him closer to coming up with his own answer. (Your answers are within you, right?)

I am curious too to see if one idea is more right than another. I just have never seen the asking to work well. I cannot go there. It isn't my answer. But for theory sake, I will keep tabs on his success rate with asking...

a date with God...

Swindoll has been talking about developing decipline in devotion to God. Quite fitting after I realized that I didn't make a theme this year and the last couple weeks I have realized that this year is about seeking God. Rule #1 - You cannot change people. So you work on yourself, right? But looking more intently at time in my life where depression had been a label put on me. I realized then as I realize now that telling someone in a deflated state to be happy find that they cannot. I believe that the only change that comes to you is when you begin to seek God. He begins to take you on a path and when you look back, you only see the former self. You have changed though seeking!

You start by asking for something deep - something for the soul. God hears. Then begin to listen for His Voice. He has always been speaking through His Word and it is always filling. Now once upon a time in the near past, I felt that the Bible wasn't exciting to me like it should be and I am a word person to boot. Today I am blown away by how excited I am about how the Word has touched so deep that now I understand how it is Forever! Everything shall pass away but not the Word (Luke 21:19). This all started when I started putting verses that touched me on 3x5 cards. I carry these cards with me everywhere in attempts to hide His Word in my heart.

Swindoll has 4 guidelines in decipling your heart in an intimate relationship with God. They are simplicity, silence, solitude, and surrender. The core is being alone with God. Just you and Him and of course, you better be seeking. He meets you and embraces you. You have nothing to fear.

I look at myself and I need to up my ante. I do spend a lot of time talking to Him. I do think I spend a lot of time on my gratitude for what He has done for me and in me. I declare God-Victory and declare His Attributes. All good but I do need to put some structure into a set Quiet Time with Him. A date so to speak!

the anger game ...

Contrasts. Something about them that makes me stand back and listen up. There is always something of a mystery to play out and learn from. I was watching a man who has taken on 'Evil' as a name and a woman trying to do be good yet playing a game not so well. I sat there amazed that between these two seemed to be a pull in a confrontational way. I believe 'Evil' is drawn to her to bring her down. He twists everything she says by bull dozing and plowing down what words she says even when she tries to defend herself. It was so hopeless.

I then proceeded to go mental and try to figure out how I would handle what is put onto the table by someone like 'Evil'. I know I cannot deal or handle anger in any way. The slightest raised tone sends me over board. But I want to play this out and figure out how to handle an 'angry Evil'. How do take the anger out of the confrontation? How do I give him a bit of control yet take myself out of the fray? Do I share anything with him that he will soften or keep sacred things away? If he felt I was keeping anything away from him, he would turn so then what could be the 'meat' to throw him off devouring me? I was searching.

Love my searching mode because God always give me a Word to pull back the mystery. On the way to work this morning the radio guy was giving a verse that talked about anger so I quickly joted down the words .. the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God (nkjv) .. . Yup, that was all I got. So I knew I had to do some searching for it online. Found it!!!!!!!

¹⁹ My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰ for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. ²¹ Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the Word planted in you,
which can save you.
²² Do not merely listen to the Word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.
~James 1niv

Last night I was visioning the table with 'Evil' presenting me a cup full of his brand of fire water. Instead of jumping in I wanted to hold back and remember to 'see' everything. In the moment it is hard to remember to hold back when the anger inside is boiling up my thoat. In the moment it hard to hear God's Words echo from my soul to my mind. If I could just stand back and begin to picture what is under the table so to speak. For me that is how I can be quick to see-listen. Maybe that will enable me to be slow to speak and slow to anger up. It isn't about the little fish bowl you find yourself in but rather the life free like on eagle's wings...

Who said life isn't about games? Isn't 'Evil' trying to pull you into his game? Isn't he trying to pull you under and take the 'righteous life' from you?

I love words and I love how His Word is planted inside and yes, it does save you... if you do what it says!

Thank You, Heavenly Father. You will not let me be consumed! Huge huggers. I am safe within Your Almighty Arms.

tapioca pudding!!!! mmmmmm

Not having chocolate is a real bummer. No sweets either - ok but man, I like to have some dessert please! Blueberry pie or blueberry crisp. I can handle it but even having a controlled cheat that brings on a slight headache is too much. Well, I finally made a dessert that will cover some of my grumble!

I made tapioca pudding with 2 T of fructose instead of the sugar the recipe called for. Fructose is natural. I refuse to use artifical sweetners. Not putting chemicals into this body. No after taste either unlike stavia.

I even used my rice cooker, too. I am allergic to rice and the rice cooker has to find new uses. It has a special memory attached to it and I wasn't fond of getting rid of it.

I love tapioca pudding and haven't had it in a million years. I tried in a pan I think and without sugar. I didn't make it again. Something happened or it was gross. Can't remember. Oh, maybe I tried it in the microwave!

definitely toe tappin now that I have a huge bowl of tapioca pudding all for myself!

3 REFUSALS ...

I heard this list from Steven Davies and wrote them down. He stated that there are 3 refusals for a believer's life and they are: MEDIOCRITY (poorness), LETHARGY (sluggish), and APATHY (indifference).

I say this list is great for all areas of your life. One must guard from these 3 monsters in the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual parts of your life. 'Movement is medicine.' One must keep active. What areas need to be focused on?

One should take the test at a personal level and then take it a social level. Friendships and relationships of all kinds need to take these monsters by the neck and choke them. I am sorry but I see way to many people just give up.

I had a discussion with my little bro about his relationship with a significant family member and his friendships or the 'it is too hard to be your friend' comment he was told. Argh! Good conversation. I know and have travelled that path. But I also tried to steer him onto my new findings. - You have only what the person brings to the table to work with ... and no more. - You cannot have more even though you think significant family member should be able to bring it - it is in their job title. Not easy.

Friendships are still important to me. Ok, I am obsessive in this area and still am. My approach is better. I know who I am and the person I strive to be. I have made absolutes that I follow. When I have a relationship, I work with what I am given - no more, no less. If I see hurt or pain or the lack of joy, dreams, or passion and this person is significant to me, I bring the 'sunshine.' I will not tire.

I doubt highly that I made an impact with little bro. But after another 10 years under his belt and welts on his forehead from beat his head against this wall, he will finally give in to this new concept. He is where I was at 10 years ago if not 10 weeks ago. It may sound like giving in (hate that!) but it isn't because I am still attacking every significant relationship with all I got but it more about what I am giving and what is there to work with. It is softer.

Anyways giving up is giving in to mediocrity, lathargy, and apathy! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

built to share

Tears are suppose to mean something. On the way to church all along downtown people were setting up chairs in prep of the big parade to begin the largest fair in the land. My radio was wailing out country tunes all the while my eyes are streaming. On the way home again the same thing happened. I am not a big fan of the fair probably because it makes me feel unattached. I am built to share. In fact all humans are built to share. When you can't or are denied, it is a slow death in your heart. Adding to that country tunes just compounded the emotion.

soft ...

* is the thud from a very young unripe green apple falling from the tree.
* is the flutter of two white butterflies in a lover's dance among the neighbor's flower garden.
* is the sudden breeze whispering through your slightly curled hair on a cool summer saturday.

schools supplies ...

Yes, I have a weakness for school supplies! Why? Well, this year with my new office space at work, I am going for organizational tools. It has spread to my home too. This past week my frig front got a make over! The top essential this year is the dry erase board because I can paint on it making fit into the room. I found a simple $1 erase board framed in wood. I painted my purple flowers that has become a favorite motif of mine. Then I proceeded to clean up the disarray of magnetics gracing my frig front. I spent an evening cleaning up and realized what a great place a frig front can be. It is looking good and it is useful.

I was lucking to find another erase board for my parents frig. I painted grapes on theirs and got the colored markers. They were impressed. Hopefully, they put it to good use.

I am already scheming. I think my front door which is magnetic is the next victim!

Auslan ...

I love language and I have dabbled in sign language. I have worked with severe needs high school aged kids and used some signs so they could communicate. I also feel it is important to use baby sign and if I taught ESL (English as a Second Language), I would be using some signs to teach with too. I feel signing is a great learning tool for all and not just for the deaf.

Like any language there are going to be different dialects, accents, and words used that aren't used in other places. I just discovered Auslan - the Aussie version of sign. I see there is a bit of controversy and the schools are switching to Auslan from signed English. I am not sure what it means but I kinda think parents must teach what they want their children to know and not just depend on the school system. I know my own opinion and hard to do with such busy schedules....

wheat among the weeds ...

Matthew 13:24-30 & 36-43

24 He set another parable before them, saying, “The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a man who sowed good seed in his field, 25 but while men were sleeping his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat and went away. 26 But when the stalks of wheat sprouted and produced grain, then the weeds also appeared. 27 Then after the slaves of the master of the house came, they said to him, “Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Then where have the weeds come from?” 28 So he said to them, “An enemy has done this.” Therefore the slaves said to him, “Then, do you wish that we go and pick them?” 29 But he said, “No, lest while you are picking the weeds, you uproot the wheat together with them. 30 Permit them both to grow together until the harvest; and when it is the time of harvest I will tell the harvesters, ‘First gather up the weeds and tie them into bundles to burn them up, and then gather the wheat into my barn.’ ”

36 Then when he left the crowds, he went into the house. And his disciples came to him, saying, “Explain to us the parable of the weeds of the field.” 37 So answering, he said, “The one who sowed the good seed is the Son of Man; 38 and the field is the world; now the good seed, these are the sons of the kingdom; but the weeds are the sons of the evil one, 39 and the enemy who sowed them is the devil; now the harvest is the end of the age, and the harvesters are angels. 40 Therefore, just as the weeds are gathered up and burned with fire, so will it be at the end of the age. 41 The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will gather out of his kingdom all that causes sin and those who commit lawlessness, 42 and they will cast them into the furnace of fire; in that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. 43 Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father. He who has ears, let him hear.

Wow, I have missed this parable. I know some of the others but this one is like brand new to me. I heard it today from Ravi. He put it in such a way that I really connected to but wanting to reread and go over it. I want it to sink deeper. Ravi said God wants us to be seeds and DIE - meaning break our lives open and die to self. As a seed grows, we too are to spiritually grow and not to worry as we will grow along side the weeds. To me it sounds like another way for believers to redeem the time... Plus, not to worry.

Argh, how I worry over such stupid stuff like evil and I just don't have to! What a paradox too. Try dying to stuff. Before you take that step, it is the hardest thing to do. Then take that step and the next. Then you begin to ask yourself why you are so joyful! Could it be? It just is. Simply put - seek God with all you have - yes, even as a believer you don't stop seeking. As you continue to walk closer and closer to God, you cannot help but feel a deep seated joy....

You have taken account of my wonderings;
put my tears in Your bottle.
Ps 56:8

I read this the night of a good day. As I curled up for a sound sleep, I thought of God's vault of tears. Bottles and bottles of tears - one labeled with all my sad, painful, and lonely tears, another with my joyful praise tears, another with God-Stirrings.... sleep settled in, but I loved the thought of how such a Supreme God would take in account of little old me. It is amazing wonder that God takes notice of my footprints, my questions, and my tears. He notices. I am recorded and valued. I am LOVED.

web distraction...

Everyday this week Lady Spider has spun her web between my jeep window and the left side mirror. At least I am not walking into it as I opened my to crawl inside my jeep. I hate getting a mouth full of web. Yuck!

I did watch the web a bit to much this morning seeing how much wind it would take for it to come apart. I almost missed seeing a car in my blind spot because of the distraction. It really wasn't a pretty web like the ones captured in those wet photo shots. But it is interest piece of work to see how strong and yet how flexible a tiny web is.

I must get my booty up and out the door earlier. Then just maybe I can take a few more minutes to find Lady Spider. Well, no biggy. I could just be late to work... I've worked over time.... now time to cash in on some God-Beauty.

Be Still, my soul

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

~Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

~Words: Katharina A. von Schlegel,
translated from German to English by Jane L. Borthwick

Don't make me

Girl when I look at you,
you look through me like I'm not even there
I'm trying not to give up, to be strong
but I'm afraid to say I'm scared
I can't find the place your heart is hiding
I'm no quitter but I'm tired of fighting.

Baby, I love you, don't wanna lose you
Don't make me let you go
Took such a long time for me to find you
Don't make me let you go
Baby, I'm begging please
and I'm down here on my knees
I don't wanna have to set you free
Don't make me.

What if when I'm long gone it dawns on you
You just might want me back
Let me make myself clear if I leave here
It's done, I'm gone, that's that
You carried my love around like it's a heavy burden
Well, I'm about to take it back
Are you sure it's worth it?

Baby, I love you, don't wanna lose you
Don't make me let you go
Took such a long time for me to find you
Don't make me let you go
Baby, I'm begging please
and I'm down here on my knees
I don't wanna have to set you free
Don't make me
Don't make me.

Baby, I'm begging please
and I'm down here on my knees
I don't wanna have to set you free
Don't make me
Don't make me.

Stop loving you
Stop needing you...

~ sung by Blake Shelton

Whoa! I feel like that but the ears I feel like shouting this to has shut down. Probably permenantly. What do you do when you want to leave but feel that something is there to hold to? What do you do when you know he isn't coming back but a tiny hope that he isn't that callous since he showed no signs of it before? All I can do and have been doing is slowing letting go. With each letting go, the goodbye is becoming more and more final... Please don't make me!

coal burning love...

Young love is a flame, very pretty, often very hot & fierce, but still only light & flickering. The love of the older & disciplined heart is as coals, deep burning, unquenchable.
~ Henry beecher

Hmmmmm, I used to feel sad that I would never get to experience the young love of a twenty something and now the thirtysomething kind of love. I used to think it was important to experience all the ages of love. Would it all add to the vintage of an older love? Being on an isolated journey maybe there is too much pain in the ages of love. Maybe not having allows one to love deeper and stronger when one gets to have love? Maybe too I will never know.

I was reading about loniness by one of my favorite authors - Ron Mehl. He suggested loniness was the time to have undivided time with God. One question. What happens if one has 30 something years of loniness? Am I missing something? Or maybe I am a real slow learner. I love to learn and I have some good lessons that I would never have had with another. I have had some amazing alone time with God. I would like to share though...

Lately, trust and obedience to God has been tickling my heart. It seems so simple and quite possibly freeing. I don't ask God why. A big no-no. It hinders your growth and makes you stuck. I just would allow the mystery to keep going. Now it seems the answer to the God-whys is TRUST ME and obey. Blessing follow. Interesting! So everytime that God-why creeps into my mind. I shout back - TRUST GOD. HE IS SEUPREME. I WILL OBEY. I will be still and let HIM work His magic...

lightening, fireflies, & fireworks...

It was three way fireworks for me! The sun had gone down but the last lights where bouncing off the thundercloud sitting in the southern sky. Within that thundercloud was God's lightening spreading wide and high. The usual lightening comes from the west and comes east in a random order. Not tonight. It stayed within the mean looking white cloud. Purely spectacular! In the grasses was the fireworks that happen from lightening bugs/fireflies. Soft yellow glows softly coming on and off. A gentle peace. And lastly all over the southern and western skies just above the tree lines where amateur fireworks poping and wizzing in sparks of colors and whites. Patriotic music playing softly as the tv was making their own fireworks. How I enjoyed the view.

Happy 231st birthday!

a salt piller or salt? which are you?

I wept so much I couldn't sing the patriotic hymns this past Sunday. I wept during the fireworks that night. I wept when I saw people waiting to become US citizens especially the Austrailian guy who was sporting the Australian light heartedness and accent. I know that I will weep some more before I lay me down to sleep tonight. I will weep for the soldiers fighting and for the families waiting. I will weep when I hear the President. I will weep when I watch more fireworks. I will weep when I hear the National Anthem as my mind recreates the scene where Francis Scott Key sees that the tattered FLAG was still there.

Tears mean something. Have you ever been in church and see someone there quietly weeping and you see not what is moving in their heart? There are no loud sobs just a glistening tear making a slow track down a soft cheek. A wonder stirs your soul. What is happening? Sadness, longing, joy, pain, burden, delight, peace, God-Whispering? Could be anything...

So what has me in a soggy mess? I think it is love, burden, and Joy in my God that has been moving me to tears. I love the good ol' USA. I err on being overly patriotic. I express it in the colors I surround myself. I remember the cost and I remember the forefather's intent every time I sing the National Anthem. I know God's Blessing that is spelled out in the Old Testiment where He will be near the nations who God is the Lord. And yes, the Blessing that comes when you are a friend of Isreal. I don't want my America to be the biggest and the best of the world. I just what her to give and to be good.

I had a discussion in 2004 that has stayed with me. Someone from another country was questioning my passionate choice of President and even my loyality to a country as a believer. I just remember the question of sort and nothing else. It is 2007 and I still think about it so much that it has become a debate of sorts for me over country vs. Kingdom.

I will always have a very soft spot for my America. I will always strive to make her a better place by living peacefully as Paul told us in Romans. I want her to continue to be a gracious and good country. I want her to remain that way until He comes. I have a picture prayer from the Old Testiment. Remember Abraham pleading with the Angel of the Lord? He was asking for God to spare Sodom and Gamorrah if there was a certain number of those who feared the Lord. Abraham kept begging until he got down to 10. He thought he have covered the bases well to keep his nephew alive. As you know the there wasn't enough of those who feared God. The Almighty did allow Lot, his wife, and daughters a way out while He burned the two towns for their moral rot. Focus in on what happened to Lot's wife. She turned around to watch the towns burn. I am sure Lot pleaded and begged his family to keep looking straight ahead and obey God. No, it was too much. She turned and looked in that instant she was frozen into a pillar of salt.

Salt. I find it quite interesting. God's purpose for the believer is to live peacefully and to redeem the time. Short orders but hard ones to carry out. Redeeming the time was visually described as salt and light by Jesus in the New Testiment. A believer's life should be conducted in such a way that it brings flavor, trust, and preservation as well as limunation, sight, and clarity to those around him. Salt. I am intrigued. I wrap all my wondering thoughts around these two pictures ... the piller of salt looking back onto smoldering rumble of two sin-fest cities or salt preserving cities and countries around the world. What type of salt are you?

Shhhhhhhh, listen. Hear it .... giving freedom to others is huge and America loves an underdog but what is supreme over that is the giving of Salvation. A believer's country comes second to the higher calling of the Kingdom. Redeem the time. Make way for His Glory to shine... He is here to save and to love. He waits for all His lost sheep to come home.

For you brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. ~ Gal 5:13

Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. ~Phil 4:5

Col 4:5 & 6; Romans 13

Joy {n}

A mood goes away by kicking!!!!
~oswald chambers

What is JOY?
* It is trusting God and doing good.
In a plain word - OBEDIENCE! Just do it!

* It is dwelling in the Lord and feeding on His Faithfulness.
Verbally express your gratitude and declare His Attributes.
How big is your God?

* It is delighting in the Lord.
Be aware and claim God's Victories in your life.

By following these simple steps, you will find God takes care of your heart. JOY WIPES OUT THE SAD TEARS. Death comes to melancholy and depression. You will begin to FEEL YOUR FAITH.

It does not stop. You will have flare ups. You must do this every moment.

My Joy Journey started in 2003 and it continues. My name is 'from the dark valley blooms Joyful one'.

"Trust the Lord & do good. Dwell in the Lord & feed on His Faithfulness.
Delight yourself also in the Lord & He will take care of your heart." Ps 37:3-4