maybe I am planning my midlife crisis!!!

I still have joy and I still have my lows but I have this feeling of being void or numb. I am always close to tears and feeling like I am stuck on this mouse wheel going no where. I've been looking back over my very dull year and wondering where the real highs were. There is no romance, no stimulating mind convos, no healthy social stimuli, and my passions seemed grounded upable to fly.

There I am willing myself not to cry as I have my head buried in my bed looking over my past and wondering about the future. Today leaving work I was crying. I am glad to have my job and I know every job has it bad sides but I am on this wheel and I can't get off! I would rather be at home being creative. I have got to stop waiting for someone to do life with. I also got to do something or I will be knocking on death's door with a boring life attached to my backside. I want morrrrre.

So as I was searching through what I call my life, I stumbled upon this quote: Live the life you imagined. Maybe there is something to this. So as I close out this year, I will be seeking to really live in 2008.

What is do I imagine for me? Do you really want to jump into my dark mind?

Here is a list of beginnings that I really need to follow through...
*writer - get back to being a poet, practise my story telling, really begin that book
*painter - step beyond the HT books and find my own style
*a creative - allow this child to really play in every part of my life
*organizer - let lose and really hone my home to be sleek and cozy too
*walker, dancer, 'weighter' - to feel good inside my body
*crackfiller - to be generous with my love
*joyful - training every part of me to seek Joy and be Joyful above all else

notes on encouragement ...

Just want I needed! So here are the notes I jotted down from Steven Davies' message on Encouragement/Discouragement.

ENCOURAGE= put heart in
DISCOURAGE= take heart out

causes of discouragement:
-sickness
-relationship discord
-maintaining purity in a dirty world

loss of:
-strengh
-vision
-confidence
-security

thoughts:
'God has forgotten me'
'God hides His face from me'
'God does not have the answer'
'God is gone'

---> We then begin to plan our steps instead of allowing God. We forgot that God has designed and has determined the length of our trials.

courage builders:
*encourage one another
*courage comes from instruction (Old Testament, Bible) - obedience =practise what I learned)
*courage comes from waiting on God
--->twist yourself like a grape vine aroung God!!!

highlights of 2007

* getting Tiger for my iMac
* receiving my iPod
* learning how NOT to tell others what to do! *wink*
* figuring out relationships with the 'Table epiphany'
* new job in Accounts Payable
* welcoming a new niece to our world- Lucia Irene 'peaceful light'
* recycling weekly!
* summer saturday walks!!!
* paid off Jeep
* checked out a condo! loved it...
* a shocker - am I blocking a blessing?
* Tornado hitting a small neighboring town
* being allowed to know how x is doing
* tried a big craft show - won't do it again

firsts of 2007

*1st podcast – downloading & listening – jan 14
*painted 1st pansy!
*painted 1st ‘3’ star flower – my own
*painted 1st pea pod –my own
*1st taste of agave
*1st go on citrus trees (they are naked - not sure they will survive)
*loomed 1st baby hat for Lucia for her 1st Christmas
*1st time seeing tornado damage

fav tunes of 2007

* "A Feeling like that" by Gary Allen
* ''Fall'' by Gary Allen
* "Watching Airplanes by Gary Allen
* “Need a Hand to Hold on to" by Dierks Bentley
* ''Don't Make Me" by Blake Shelby
* "Winner at a Losing Game" by Rascal Flatts
* ''Take Me There'' by Rascal Flatts
* ''If you are reading this" by Tim McGraw
***** ''More than a Memory '' by Garth Brooks
* ''Stealing Cinderella'' by Chuck Whitt (newcomer) ??
* "Let the Wind Chase You" by Trisha Yearwood w/ Keith Urban

Flashback: Imcomplete CD by Backstreet Boys
- needing to feel this deep enough to get rid of the imcomplete feelings that haunt me... will it work?

basically give me heartbreak and I will love it.

fav reads of 2007

*Quiet Leadership by David Rock
--->Lovvvvvvve this book. I am soooo sick of others telling me what to do! This little read appealed to my mind and I turned it onto myself - teaching myself how to think and do better and I hope to master the art of conversation without straying to conflict!! Top book of the year.

*The Way of the Wild Heart by John Elderidge
--->This was way better than his Wild at Heart because he offered a way through a man's path. I found it very helful even in my own girl path. Wonder if he will have a sequal to Captiviting???

*P.S. I Love You by Cecelia Ahern
--->I do watch what I read and I wasn't sure if I should partake of this one. However, I am a weird place (more on this weirdness in an entry coming soon). I want to grieve and I want to experience someone else's grief and not my own. My grief isn't a real death but rather ridding myself of feelings and wishes that need to die. The best and the saddest part of the book was the Gerry. He was a husband who was funny and could make his wife smile. I am not sure how to put it to words other than he got his role right and completed his wife - not that he made her whole but they were just great. It just makes the ache in my own heart deeper. The book is much better than the movie but they did get Gerry spot on. One thing not good about the book was the language.

*True Believer by Nicholas Sparks
---> I like reading his books to get a guys insight on relationships. His other books I've enjoyed better.

*Psalms 18
---> Do you want the guy on the white horse coming to your rescue? Read this as a damsel and see how God is the Knight in Shiny Armor. I read it when especially low.

fav movies of 2007

*August Rush & Marian Child - best tear jerkers of the year!!!
*3:10 to Yuma - best western of the year & best intense eyes
*Bourne Ultimatum - best energy adrenaline of the year (will have soar eyes and a smidge of ha after)
*No Reservation - best romantic chick flick of the year!

monthly thoughts from 2007

Jan: Be a good stewart of His Gifts
Feb: Prepare for His Abundance
Mar: Value the person - value their dreams
Apr: Am I faithful?
May: Love is chosen
Jun: 'to hear Him pass'
Jul: trust & obey
Aug: seek God & He will find you
Sep: love= waste not
Oct: it is all about today
Nov: 365 Happy Days
Dec: your value is in your smile

death or rejection ...

Having a conversation about losing your significant other to death, I do believe that life is easier to go with if you lose your SO to death than losing him to rejection. See with death you know for sure that there is etneral life and you will see him. All the memories made will still be held in beauty and revisited often with a smile shining through the tears.

With a rejection the beautiful memories made tend to turn to ash in your hands on a windy day. Really there is nothing to hold onto. Even if the other is a believer, you are diffently not sure you really want to see him. Sure I might see things with my new eyes, but I don't think anything can make coward behavior good.

what woman want ...

A thought popped into to my head the other day and it goes like this ...

If I am wanting within a relationship with a man, he ain't the one!

... whew & wow! Pretty big thought for little ol' me! Then I started to list my wants and began to realize to fight back the 'he's just not into you' and all those guys who give off mix messages with my own 'he's just not want I want'. Two can play the game.

my want list
I want :
1. to be choosen/pursued by him
2. to follow his leadership.
3. to be filled by him & to receive from him.
4. to be his beauty and know his eyes light up when I walk in the room.
5. to be rescued by him.
6. to be protected by him & know I am safe.
7. to be kept by him.
8. to hear endearments & I love you's from him.
9. to be of value to him.
10. to be needed by him.

I feel these are basic needs all women need within the agreement of marriage. And if I find that I cannot function safely within these bonds, then he ain't the one! I WILL NOT accept motley and muddled inbred messages from boys who claim they arn't into you half the time and the other half of the time want you to pant after them. I am making boys sound bad but I have had grown men, a few who were suppose to be believers and even one I really looked up to mess around without regard to my heart and I am sick of it.

Truth be told I am sick of myself who broods over all the mixed messages trying to knit together something thick enough to keep me warm. Oh, to be safe .... NOT GOING THERE! Bye! I got to go read Psalms 18! The True Knight in Shining Armor on a white horse to boot....

not my plan!

She is a teenager with child. Engaged but not married. The child is not his. Honest, she is a good girl. If it was her plan she would not be with child without being married and the child would be his. She doesn't mess around. She knows the Bible stories passed down. She seeks to please her God. But ...

He is a few years older and is engaged but she is with baby that is not his. He knows the law. He could parade her through town and then have her stoned, but he is a gentle soul and will put her away quietly. He seeks to obey his God. But...

But God wanted Mary, a virgin, to carry and bring Jesus into the world. He knew there would be talk of His Son being born of a wayward woman but see His plans are not our own. Can you imagine the glares and the fingers pointing at Mary?

But God wanted Joseph to step up and protect Mary. God wanted Joseph to father the Son who was not his own. Can you imagine the whispers and the eyes avoiding you just because you went a married a woman who was with a child not your own?

It really went deep for me this year for some reason. We think obeying and loving God is a neatly wrapped plan of doing what is right and that it will be easy. Or at least it should be! Why do we think like this? Remember God says His Plans are not our plans so we shouldn't be so surprised when His Plan asks us to obey and love God when it is not so neatly wrapped. In fact our plan is way to easy and we think we should get a ton of favor (human) heaped upon us for doing the right things. Problem - that isn't a true obedience or a true love. We need to do His Messy Wild Plan with all our obedience and love. Now that is true - when you can do it when others laugh at you and think you lost it - true love for Him ... our gift back to a God who loved us first...

Merry Christmas!

Noel {n}

= birth.

As a young girl I remember this word intriguing me. It was night time and I was in the backseat of the family car watching the Christmas nights. This word was painted white on a dark wood plate hanging by a porch light. I still see it as it is engraved deeply in my mind. I thought the word interesting yet didn't understand it. It is not a native word of the English language. It seemed French and I don't like French because they make strange sounds from letters that seem crazy to me.

(Another young memory was when Dad was giving his name and address. Our last name usually has an the letter L in it, but our family line is the only one that does not have the L. So he states his first name with two N's and his last name with no L. The lady repeats it back 'So you live on Noel street?')

Not to long ago I have come to know a man named Noel. To my surprise it is not pronouced like the Christmas Noel but like 'No' with a light L touch. He didn't seem to have a good understanding of his name. That happens if peers make fun of your name or if family use it with distain. I was frustrated by that so I set out to figure out this name for myself. To the name book I went. It means 'Birthday of the Lord'. Ok, he sould be proud of the name! Later, I found another name book (see, I am addicted to name books because I lovvvvvve words and I look up my favorite names). This name book suggested a more modern take on Noel. It was perfect! Noel = precious gift! I took this and wrote a very long letter to encourage him.

Today Noel takes on a new meaning. It is not from the French. I can't remember for sure what country, but Noel = birth. I like that especially when everything is ending. An Ending means a new beginning is there for you to begin. New birth.....

But most of all Noel is about the BIRTH of the MOST PRECIOUS GIFT ever! Have you received the BIRTH of the MOST PRECIOUS GIFT ever? Seek and He will find you. Unwrap the GIFT and HE WILL TRANSFORM YOU AND YOUR LIFE!

fierce winds ...

Wow! I awoke yesturday morning at 3:30AM to winds. I usually don't minds winds but for some reason I could not fall back to a sound sleep. Or that could be because I didn't have enough activity in my day. Whatever the case I laid there listening as the winds fingered their way over roof tiles and eaves and pounded with anger against the window panes. These winds gusted 40+ mph through out the day and through last night! The winds meanly came through every crack in my livingroom wall being it has windows and the west wall. There was no way of keeping warm but to snuggle under my burgandy red fake fur blanket.

For some reason I was ready for these winds to stop. On my trek home after church I saw two verrrrrrrrrry tall evergreens uprooted. The one was old and a bit thin for an evergreen. The other across the street from the old was also tallll but he was full and vibrant. For me I was amazed - everything but the winds where a strange quiet and stillness. There were other felled trees and broken powerlines, but no one would tend to them. You just had to make your way through another way. It was eerie. I usually don't mind the winds especially when they are way up in the tree tops. It is like feeling God sweep by and it is a comfort. But not these winds. Finally, about 6AM today, the winds finally stopped. Whew!

Matthew 8:26-27 And He saith unto them, Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then He arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm. But the men marvelled, saying, What manner of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey Him!

MarK 13:27 And then shall He send His angels, and shall gather together His elect from the four winds, from the uttermost part of the earth to the uttermost part of heaven.

No matter how fiece the winds, I know the Master of them...

trying times ...

Is it much different then in 1776?

The American Crisis - December 23, 1776.
"These are the times that try men's souls... Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph... What we obtain too cheaply, we esteem too lightly... Heaven knows how to put a price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as freedom should not be highly rated... Let it be told to the future world, that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive, that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet and to repulse it... "show your faith by your works," that God may bless you."
~ signed "Common Sense" (Thomas Paine)

We have obtain too cheaply and have esteemed too lightly. We fail faith when our hope is in man or if we have let it die. Fan the flame of faith. Hope in the Eternal. Sure it is trying times for our souls but the greatest mircles happen when we surrender all to God. Then and only then can we sit back and see His Mighty Hands at work. Most often His Plans are the hardest to wrap our feeble minds around and the hardest to dive into with obedience. Our plans are often simple and good but anyone can do good in good times. God wants us to choose Him in every time whether even or trying but most importantly during extreme times. The light is brightest and the salt more preservative.

The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.

Trust the Lord and do good! Dwell in the Lord and feed on His Faithfulness. Delight in the Lord and He will take care of your heart. Psalms 37:3&4

I saw Santa Claus ...

... riding his motorbike on the highway that runs through our town. Wow! I thought I wouldn't see anything like that here. Maybe California or the movies but not here. Today our big snow from the previous weekend has melted away. The highs are in reaching for 50's but it is soggy and grey. Guess Santa thought that he should get his motorcycle out for another spin before Old Man Winter blows into town again. It was a great sight - red hat covering his long white hair and his white beard blowing in the wind. He had a brown leather coat keeping him snug and warm. He didn't forget his red pants and black boots! It is a bummer that I left my camera at home. Anyways I would have to be a quick shot and known ahead of time.

Now why would a girl who doesn't believe in the commercializm of this holiday get a kick over a man wearing a santa suit while motorbiking? 'Cause it ain't normal and I love it when I see someone enjoy life. Pretty great to see him all decked in red on such a grey, grey day! Hats off too to those who put wreaths on their vehicles and wear santa hats while shopping. I could not do it but you make me smile. thank you!

diserned ...

Days later and I have a some disclaimer for a previous blog entry.

... rebuke one who has understanding
and he will discern knowledge.
proverbs 17:25

I really was hurt when she gave me counsel without my asking and honestly, I have felt God not take away her statement but allowed His good courage and pleasant words soak in around the hurt. I weighed what she said and stripped away everything and changed it into a question. Making it a question allows my own heart to map out what is true. In doing so I will no longer share about x aloud. I may use x in a such a way you wouldn't even know. x has given me a lot of learnings. I will not deny.

It is about not taking everything in rather be strong enough to weigh things out for yourself. Know what is true to you. Not everything out there will work for you. It is best done between you and God. He is a custom designer. You are unique. What is an opinion of another will not work for you. Do you.

Enough said! {Can't you see me with my hands on my hips, eyes ablaze, and voice quiet and intense?}

snow day!

You get use to snow reports around here. A lot of times it just means snowflakes (no accumulation). And sometimes the report of heavy snow doesn't include us because it is lake effect and we are located just a bit more south of the heavy stuff. So I tend to dismiss it until it happens. I should have known since it wasn't lake effect.

It started to snow Saturday morning. I had one more errand and I was hoping to do it before the snow fall. By the time I got around it had stopped. I ventured out. It would be a quick stop for cottege cheese, carrots, and quarters. Gotta wash clothes! When I got home and got busy with house chores, I noticed the snow began again. It hasn't stopped! Last night the flakes where huge white blobs and very heavy. This morning the snow is fine and many. No church. County under snow emergency. They want you to stay off the roads so they can clear them. Christmas is coming!

I love the snow and I especially love a snow day. A snow day is better than a normal stay in. You can do what you want well, you do have to go outside and make paths because they expect you to get back to work (grr). But having a snow day is God's way of saying it is Winter and in some ways people are a lot like bears. He wants us to have down time and snow days are great down times. And it is what you make of it. If I had a family it would be game time. But I don't so I am going to spend some time with God today and then I have painting projects to do. I would rather do some writing (this space could use some tlc) and organize some pixs. But maybe I can hope for another snow day soon. Hooray for snow. It is so peaceful and beautiful. So silent!

Shhhhh, enjoy!

gotta go...

interference ...

OOOO, had a family conversation about conflict over the Thanksgiving holiday!!!! I was actually shocked and had to pipe up. I have verrrrrrry strong feelings about conflict. Just so you understand how volatile this topic makes me lets do word association. These are the words that pop into my head when I hear the word 'conflict' = discussions, anger, out of hand, confrontation, distruction, melt down, raised voices, sweating, face flushed. All of these things I loathe. Why can't I have a discussion that uses soft words, where no one trying to be the winner or right, where there is new insights learned, and ultimately being able to walk away feeling good about yourself and about others?

I once was able to really have a happy discussion. Well, he was gone before I could figure it out but God in His wise ways brought a book into my life that changed my ways. 'Quiet Leadership' by David Rock is an excellent teacher. I have it all in my head and I use it on myself. I haven't mastered the discussion part because I really don't have a person I can practise on. I do try to phrase the questions but usually after a potential target has left the conversation.

In 'Quiet Leadership' there is an equation which goes like this performance = potential - interference. While learning a new and very difficult job this year, I saw this equation work out in my learning process. The interference was coming into play by the teacher's tone of voice as well as me striving too hard to learn everything like yesturday! The interference was hindering my ability to learn. I was breaking down in tears and frustration. I began to doubt myself and wonder if I made the wrong decision. So isn't conflict interference?

So I piped up and laid the question down. So you need conflict to change? I got a big yes from Dad. I didn't know where to go from there. It is just best to save it for here.

Dad is raising questions at work where he normally just would absorb it all. He is being confrontational and doesn't care anymore. He says he is retiring in the near future so what does he have to loose? If he can see how something can better a different way than what was always done, then he is going to say something. I must say that I have noticed his mood is more upbeat. He doesn't seem to be fighting that ever present depression. I have to say it is good for Dad to pack a bit of heat and not be afraid of conflict. Conflict is good for Dad's voice. I just see it a different way.

First I do need to have a disclaimer. If something isn't working, change it. However, I do not like conflict. I hate it. I don't do change well either unless it makes a job easier and more efficient. Ok, now on with my beef with conflict...

Take a hockey team. In order to make a goal, you must take out the interference. The defense cannot put the whole team in just to interfer with the goal making! That would be major penalty box time. Not into sports? Take the radio. You have to take out the static to hear the music. I cannot do conflict. I have interior melt down so bad that you can see it come through me with my blushed cheeks and sweat. I have massive urges to run. It does not serve me well to have conflict.

It is honorable for a man to stop striving,
since any fool can start a quarrel.
Prov 20:3

Make no friendship with an anger man,
and with a furious man do not go.
Lest you learn his ways
and set a snare for your soul.
Prov22:24-25

... do not associate with those given to change.
Prov 24:21

It all could be just the word conflict and what I associate with it. But my personal truth is to take out the interference and interference looks like striving, conflict, anger. To me taking out striving, conflict, and anger enables my best and that really means change for the better. I just want to do it without conflict.

counselor of decit or of peace?

All I was doing was sharing God-Moments but in reality I was giving away pearls to pigs! I did not go to her for help so why did she interupt me with her own brand of wisdom? ARgh! This time the pearl was toooooo precious and I've made some ultimatums. Yes, making an ultimatum is very drastic but when it happens time and time again, I will protect heart because no one else will.

Even though she hurt me with her counsel, I can't help but wonder if God was trying to get my attention. However as I stood there listening to her go on and the hot tears building up in the back of my eyes, my heart was screaming that I have been paying very close attention to what God might have me do so how can this tidbit - DON'T BLOCK THE BLESSING- be what I was to hear and do in my life?

I had to get some help so I went to Proverbs. These words grabbed my attention - counselors of peace have joy. Hmmmm, this self-proclaimed counselor did not give me peace rather she jumped at me with her 'help' from her 'idea' of what was going on in my life. She didn't listen. I was not there to get help. Her kind of wisdom aways errs on caution and discouragement. Never ever has she erred on good courage or good words. I should know! Like when I was trying to decide weather or not to take the AP job, all she could do was discourage me. She is HR so you kind of have to get a feel of what is happening and she is the one to know. She is not a counselor of peace. She brings discord.

I happen to have a passion for words and with that I am sensitive to the tone wheather written or spoken. When I am distressed I often recall God's Word where it takes about being of good courage or where a good word will left an anxious heart. So why is it ok to bring caution and discouragement in your counsel? I know there is a place for rebuke but where? Shouldn't that be reserved for the wrong doer? Not for seeking counsel...

I only gave you part of the verse because I first didn't know what to do with the first half, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that hmmmm, I should take a deeper look. Proverbs has a lot of contrasts or opposites. Here is the opposite of the counselor of peace - deceit is in the heart of those who devise evil! Whoa! See why I didn't understand? If your counsel isn't taken from the place of joy then it isn't peaceful. In fact you have left desolation! If you don't give peace, you are giving decit! That is huge! But as I have been digesting what happened, I do see decit. She closed her ears to the full story. There was no questions only telling me from little she could interupt. Then she whammed me with her own verbage. I am a different story. She is not the author. She doesn't know the workings of God in my life. She didn't even listen for that and she is a fellow believer to boot. You really deceive others when you try to put your own learnings into someone else's life and it is evil! Scary!!!!

I just stood there with who knows what staring from my eyes. I could not say a word back to her. After the fact I so what to tell her to stop it. I have been practising the good words to use then I realized that if God told Moses he could speak because God would give him the words and I think it was Paul who says not to practise your speech but to let God speak through you, then why can't I speak out when someone is hurting me or possibly erring...?

Funny, I am trying to discern her judgement and see if I am blocking the blessing but since Wednesday I've heard two broadcasts on good words and critisim in the church. Maybe God is trying to negate her counsel or maybe He is trying to give me pictures of Wise and evil Counsel... all a Mystery .... unfolding...

Deceit is in the heart of those who devise evil, but counselors of peace have joy.
Proverbs 12:20

Yikes! I have put ultimatums in place and as I have, I feel like I am living a bad attitude! Is it ok to put my pearls away and live my life full and happy and yet save a soft place for x? Don't you wish you could know if you will be single for the rest of your life? Maybe if you know, you can let go of the baggage of not being chosen or maybe you would give up because you mattered to no one ...

Enough! I say, enough!!! (as this leaves a crazy smirk on my face. why? I haven't a clue! total nutter I guess)

harvest of blessing...

I stumbled upon the 10/10/05 email. It is his second rejection letter ... then back when I read it the first time, I thought I saw him coming back. Well, today I rediscovered it and felt his rejection of me all over again. With all this time since, I guess it made it more clear. I was too much and not enough wrapped up all in one. If he has hurt me, than so be it. He has to have anti-social behavior to recharge...

I promised myself that my free Friday would be spent getting birthday and christmas things done. I would not feel lonely or cry. ARgh! Why did I reread that email? Never the less, I was hear in a puddle of tears. What a sap I am! I cried my bitter tears to God - angered that I was ruining my day.

I love God so much because He always whispers to me enabling me to carry on. His whisper was Galations 6:9:

Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest of blessing.

Ok, I will keep my channel open to him and I will bathe him in prayer. I will keep doing the good ... It is still a mystery but God whispered and peace came into my heart... I wonder what God is up too...

pleasant words ...

I have such a hard time with my words when I feel that I am not being heard. I have this one person that I dread dealing with because no matter how hard I try to be pleasant and smile full, I get caught with my words being a bit more hard than I would want. Today I ended up with egg on my face and trying to figure out how to deal with being in a pinch. Help!!!

When I am scream help, I turn to God's word. I turn to Proverbs a lot when I need a simple guide to get through the daily dealings with people. I needed something about words. I hoped that I had something underlined and ready for a quick scan to calm my achy heart. Proverbs 16:26 came into view.

What are pleasant words?
- sweet and healthy

What parts of the body does pleasant words affect?
- It touches your very core with sweetness and travels to your very outer part with health. It washes over your whole being.

What if you find someone too hard for you to give pleasant words to?
- Do it for yourself! Use pleasant words so that you can benefit from it!

'Pleasant words are like a honeycomb,
sweetness to the soul
& health to the bones.'
-Prv 16:26

Will will find me talking back this verse, as well as trying on a whole of smiles and trying to be lighthearted. I am seeking God on this and I know He will find me...

mmmm snow!!!

The snow is falling so quietly and steady. It began about 7PM and it doesn't look like will stop anytime soon. Yeah!!!! It looks like it will tuck in the grass blades and it just might stick around for more than a day or two!!! Ahhh, this is the moment I would love to share it with someone special. I would turn out the lights and maybe have a candle or two instead. I would capture him and make him sit with me under the covers. He would have to hold my cold hands to keep me warm and toasted. We might share a few words to wind down our day or maybe we would fall silent in awe of God's smallest wonder in bulk! As my mind wondered away, my soul reminded me that it doesn't matter if I could not share it with someone so far but that God was sharing this first significant snowfall with me and I could enjoy it with Him. Ahhhhhhh! A sad happy smile envelopes my face...

no more craft shows ...

Zippo. El fin. No more, no more. I have done 3 'explicative' craft shows. All have broken my heart. This is the last straw. I will not waste my time, my passion, my love on these 'shows'. I paid $55 to this show that is well known christmas stop for unique gifts. I sold 5 items to the amount of $35 dollars. This is pennies compared to the show in the spring that was a new one and very few people showed up and where I sold 12 items for the tune of $155. Again I say no more.

I know I mentally hope for huge dreams and every time they burst like a broken ornament pieces so fine and dust like you know you can never clean up all the pieces. As I process this, I have a new and a better fitting goal. I hope that to my family and those who will ask how it went that I don't sound bitter but I am! They are the ones that keep saying that I should go into business and do this. Sorry, can't went it wouldn't even feed me let alone give me a roof over my head. I do hope I sound joyful and hopeful because that is still there. This desire to paint started when I was a child and those are the dreams to keep. However, I have other dreams that are getting crowded and I cannot let that happen.

Fact - What went right? Mom helping me this time. It is such a help to have someone to this with. I was able to this big show and now I know that it isn't any better than a small one. I needed to know. I tried and now it is time to regoal.

Emotions - What are the positive feelings? I love completing new things or trying new things like the 15 piggy banks and the Snowie ornaments I tried. Pretty fun.

Encouragement - Wellllll, I did get a lot of 'oh, how pretty. Who is the artist?' Still doesn't fix the boxes of unchoosen glass that is in my kitchen. What personal encouragement can I give myself? Painting was something I wanted to since childhood and I will keep painting because it feels good to me.

Learning - What have I learned? - I have learned that what I do is more art than craft and it doesn't do well in a craft show.

Implications - I am 'downsizing'. Meaning all glass will be spoken for and I will allow myself 5 new pieces that I must sell or gift before I can paint more.

New Goal - Downsizing will allow me to be even more push to give or present my art with more flare. As I am trying to be creative on getting rid of the boxes of glass, I see that I am going more on the details which is exciting. ie: I have two christmas vases done on blue glass. What if I took it into the floral shop and ask them to use the vase to make an arrangement to send to someone????

I know I have some bitter, some anger, some sadness going on in my heart. I don't want to be ungrateful but I have allllll kinds of emotions that I have felt Saturday. I don't think I am wrong because I felt these feelings. Plus, I am moving unto new goals and not staying stuck in bitter. Just because I am solid on no more shows doesn't mean I am saying no more painting. You should hear others when they respond to my answer to 'Did you have a good show?' I swear they do not listen and jump down my throat! Oh well, I say you do it. Stop telling me how to run my dream!!!! Yikes, I know settle down ol girl, settle down. I just need a hug! {smiles}